PRISONER EXPRESS

Sitting in a closet with my gun to my head, I tried to think of another way to erase the memory of 1983. That was the year my mother was killed by her ex boyfriend. I was 11 years old. My mother and I were very, very close. She was a strong woman and an influence on my life, and I loved her so much that, when she was taken away, I would not let myself feel the loss. I couldn't allow myself to break down or hurt that much; I couldn't miss her that much and still live. I thought, if I continue to feel this way its gonna kill me. That was my first symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. Anyway, at first I continued on as if nothing had happened. I was numb. I went about my life as if Johnyrose had never existed. If it meant saying to myself, I never had a mother, then that's what I did to survived. I was in this state of psychic numbness for 17years, just refusing to believe what had occurred.

Then, in 1999, recollections began to intrude on my life. These thoughts occurred anywhere, anytime. If the sky looked the way it did that year and day in 1983. If the lighting in a room looked remotely similar to that of my mother's room on that particular morning, it would make me relive the moment.

I no longer had that emotional anesthesia. My mind broke down; it would replay every detail of that day: I heard somebody fall in my mother's room, but when I went to see what was going on, the door was locked. Just as I finally got the door open, at first I didn't see her. Then I saw her body slumped against the wall, her head hanging low. I knew that my mother was gone

After years of numbness, my mind breakdown, I didn't know how to make the flashbacks go away. One night the scene was on constant replay in my head. I couldn't take it. I got up, shaking all over, and went into the closet. Picking up my gun, I thought about my daughters. What were Monique and Ardrana going to do without a father? I cried out to God to please help me. When I put my finger on the trigger, there was this still voice that said, I love you Dad and I remember more than anything, I love my daughters. I wake my children's mother up and told her that I needed help. But every day I get up and thank God for waking me up and giving me strength to get through. I find reason to go on.