PRISONER EXPRESS

"Breakdowns." No one is immune, not in the world, not in the prison. However, the majority of the world will never find themselves at that extreme overwhelming point of hopeless ness. For some, mental withdrawal kicks in, they exist within themselves. Others choose the path of suicide. These of course are the extremes, but rest assured, they are not the only options. Through personal experience and observation, I have found that breakdowns occur more frequently in people with extreme emotions, sense of duty, and a very sincere social/personal conscience. The trigger of self-destruction being total loss. I've had three of these episodes which either proves I'm weak, stupid, or just plain insane. I'm not weak and there was a time when I was stupid. (I'm not anymore). As for insane, who in this world can accuse anyone of being insane when the world and this thing called life is such a despairing joke. Cynical? No! Reality...reality says we are born to die and we're stuck with a little time in-between the two points.

The first breakdown came after a complete business failure. When you're making a fair compensation and the world is full of hope, you tend to ignore the dangers. When business began to falter, one loss proceeds another. As that time, everything in my life was farce; success itself had proven to be just a game. But from business to a love life each brick broke away, to include that one person whom promised to whether out every storm. In recuperating, I had to promise to leave the state of Texas until I got my thoughts straightened out. The biggest lie told after a suicide attempt is hope. The hope of a better tomorrow. It just doesn't get better but loved ones (so-called) say it will and they wouldn't lie to me. (Would they?)

The second breakdown was just before my fall. Men are forced to live their whole lives concealing the pains they have suffered. We blame drugs, booze and other addictions that temporarily keep our minds occupied, but the trespasses on us in our past dictate the state of our consciousness. For me, denial of those things and lack of trust (no one, not even one's mother, is trustworthy) kept me trying to keep every emotion pent up. In retrospect, I can see how the dam kept holding back, the flood gates, little outburst in drunken moments relived the pressure. But such pressure is easily overwhelmed. And so we become the very monster we try hardest not to be. I became the same sick bastard I hated my so-called father. Being a bastard child gives me the right to be angry but not the right to hurt others. Of course, psychiatrist, psychologist and the self-righteous pigs in uniform; masters of manipulation, can talk all day long about their one-sided interpretations of human emotion. But the fact is, these individuals are paid to condemn and convict. If anyone ever told the truth, the doors of rehabilitation would be more than shines or empty science buildings. The things out of the first two breakdowns I learned is, hope is a lie, it doesn't get better. Those who preach hope are either self-serving themselves, to avoid having to deal with pain, or they are so-called professionals who get paid and the dead can't write a check. Lastly, when one falls into a breakdown, he needs to finish what he starts before anyone has the chance to lie to him.

My third collapse was very private and pretty much brought about a real change. For in this fall I simply ended up surrendering everything up to the powers to be. I would like to say I found a great God of love and mercy. But in all sincerity, I simply gave up the fight of life, settling with the way things are. In the years since, every so-called doctrine of man, promise of God and the illusion of hope has been exposed. There are no miracles, no divine intervention, nor any real purpose to life. In this, the independence of truth gives peace of mind and contentment. We live, we die, and the activity between the two events is to exist. And to exist, I've learned compassion is the single greatest flaw of man. To care about anything of this world is to envy the hustlers of emotion, friends, lovers, society's so-called leaders, pigs and the damn medical field the right to destroy you.

"Breakdowns." They happen. The sooner one learns that there is nothing worth living for in this world, the sooner they see the faces of truth. People and institutions thrive off of the emotions and conscience of men. Of every emotion man can grasp, "hate" is the one that leads to contentment. When I learned to hate everyone and everything, I was able to build relationships without threat. I myself am pro suicide, meaning, the reality of life says that things will not get better for a person and I don't have the right to lie to that person. Had people left me alone, I wouldn't have been stuck suffering twenty-six more years. But, these people cared. Now I just wonder where those loving people are?

"Breakdowns," they are a natural part of life which warns us that our time is better spent in the grave.