The journal of Brent Dossey
18 December 2006
Today I start my journal for the prison program "CRESP." I'll use tis first session to introduce myself. First let me give you an idea of how I will lay out my journal.
First, I will try to make daily entries, two if possible. My entries will mainly consist of the thoughts I have throughout the day. Well I guess that's probably what everyone does but I will try to be as detailed and thorough as possible.
I will try to submit myself and hope you enjoy the musings of a madman.
My name is Brent Dossey, but in prison I'm "Warlock." 701910 is the designator TDCJ has decided to place on my shoulders. I am originally from Dallas/Ft. Worth area. I'm 30 yrs old and will turn 31 in February. I have a 16 yr sentence, which I have 13 yrs on. My charge is Grant Theft Auto of a intergalactical starship, aggervated assault of Martian diplomate, and illegal use of a astroid. I was framed on most of it. It's a long story.
No-I'm just joking! I had you going though. Really I'm here on four counts of Aggervated Robbery. Yes I was pretending to be Jesse James, no it didn't work out the way it was suppose to.
Don't let the aggervated trip you out, no one was hurt. That's just a legal term to indicate that I had a canon. I'm sure in the course of my writings I will tell you the story of my cockamamie criminal episode.
I was 17 yrs old when I got locked up so I can't say much about my life outside these walls. I was very immature with no kind of direction in my life. Then I got locked up and I started the long process of getting to know myself. Although it took many years to accomplish this task, and even longer to embrace my true self. Like most people I still rebel against myself at times but on these occasions I know when I'm doing it. Of course this gives me a sense of failure though.
- Totidem Verbis-
19 December 2006
Alright, I'll pick up where I left off yestermorn. I didn't finish then just because it was commissary day and plus we got recreation. I ate a whole pint of Dutch Chocolate so I used my hour of rec. to do some cardio. Then I came in and did another 2 hours of workout. It was laundry day and then to top it all off I had to write 2 letters to go with the 9 Christmas cards I filled out.
Really I don't know why I sent out that many cards every year. When I'm lucky I get one or two back. I guess it's my attempt to not be forgotten. Pathetic huh!
Anyhow, let me get back to introducing myself.
It may be hard to believe, btu adapting to prison life wasn't very difficult for me just because I've never had a real problem with authority-except with my dad. It didn't take me long to recognize that I was in a controlled environment and that I was the controlled. That's not to say I haven't gotten into my share of trouble here. I do not have a disciplinary record but its mainly for possessing contraband such as altered sunglasses, tattoo paraphernalia, tobacco, and then there's a couple of fighting cases but those were minor disciplinary reports. I had a riot case but I got it overturned. Overall my disciplinary history is of someone just trying to live a normal life in a world of non-existance.
I've acquired my GED, a vocational trade in carpentry, and numerous self-help certificates. I've gained religious sensibilities and then discarded them. I have held onto the spiritual awareness though. I've lost the relationship with my family and no longer have "friends."
My family is still there and there's not ill feelings per se, but I don't really like them like I should. I'll paroling to my family but I'm not real certain how it will turn out. It's not that I'm angry or bitter towards htem. I am a little upset and even somewhat resentful towards them though.
I am a tactful and even tacit person when dealing with a situation that could be bad. My concern is that there will be an obvious undercurrent that I unconsciously let come out. I don't like negativity to seep into my relationships because at that point I tend to pull completely back.
-Stay tuned-
Alright, I'm back and it's the same day. It's 7:55 PM.
I'm gonna get off the family issue and get back to prison life.
In August of "0'2" I was confirmed as a gang member and placed in Administrative Segregation. This means I'm only allowed out of my cell for 1 hr a day. This has really allowed, and to a certain extent, forced me to look at my future in great detail.
I'm not one who dwells on the past and being in Seg. You cant elt the present occupy too many of your thoughts.
Being in Seg. has also given me the chance to discover some interests I may not have know about in general population. Things like politics, philosophy, history, and other cultures. Both ancient and modern. For example; Japanese, South Africa, Early Mesoamerica, and early American politics. I've found that I love old maritime adventures. I discovered Admiral Hiratio Nelson! I discovered an interest in marine biology, especially whales, dophins, and sharks. I've always loved wolves but I also found some other interesting and animals; i.e bears, badgers, and many more I won't list.
Being so secluded has allowed me to work on art. In population I focused mainy on tattooing but in Seg. I can focus on drawing and pen and ink too.
I've been able to stick to a workout routine which has really done me a lot of good. I went down in weight from 190 to 170. I'm the healthiest I've ever been.
But most of all I think the last 4 yrs have given me a much clearer perspective on what freedom means. I mean the true meaning of freedom. Freedom that allows you human contact, relationships, and just being able to walk more than 9 ft. at a time. Freedom isn't just meovement or speech or relationships, its also a mental state. I can read or daydream all day and it lets my mind leave this gloomy place. That's only a placebo though because you never forget where you are. Never...
Well, I suppose I will close today's entry.
-Totidem Verbis-
20 December 2006
I was just listening to an NPR program called "Studio 360" and one of the issues they were talking about was the issue of Atheism vs. Religion. Specifically it was speaking about a new movement within the atheist world called "New Atheist Movement." Apparently it's more "in your face" and critical of religion. "Religion is evil" is one quote I caught by one of them.
This is a subject that can be discussed a debated forever and no one will win. Except in their own minds of course.
I, like most Americans, grew up in a family that believes in the Christian faith but doesn't actually participate. So it was no great surprise when I came to prison and found religion. It's a customary thing to do after all. So I threw myself into studying and Church. I even gave up my position in rank in the gang I was in.
It didn't take long for me to become disenchanted with the whole idea of religion. I mean, you're drawn in with hopes of community, brotherhood, peace of mind, and a sense of direction and meaning. Once you get in you see that it's nothing but strife and gossip. Those are two very big no'no's for my sensibilities. I also see a strong struggle for leadership. More so then in the gangs. It's a very disheartening thing to seek comfort ins omething like religion only to be dejected by the experience.
Even though I stopped going to Church I still held onto my Christian faith for a long time. In this last year though, I've really done some spiritual exploration within myself. I've began to examine all those innate doubts and really try to look at "religion" for what it is...man-made. Because it is a man-made institution it comes with all the baggage and shortcomings of man.
Religion in and of itself isn't inherently evil. Man has made it evil. The precepts for most religions are used to instill morality, law, and structure. A by-product is the explanation of existence. To quell the fear of death; this is a controlling factor. (That part is my inner conspiracy nut rising his tin foil clad head. :/)
Now, with al that said-et me say that I tend to lean towards the idea of creationism. Not Religion! I also am inclined to accept evolution. I believe 100% that both ideas are viable and even complementary to one another. Those who believe that one or the other has to be the absolute truth are extremely arrogant. To be quite honest neither idea may be the case. We find evidence to new dimensions all the time, so who's to say existence isn't due to an occurrence man can't fathom. Maybe our brains in their current state of development cant even idealize the true nature of existence.
Well I need to get to work on this portrait I'm working on, so I'll shut'er down fer now.
- I shall return -
Same day, its 10:01 PM
Just thought I would write a few lines before I close this entry for the day.
I'm listening to a conservative talk show called "News and Views." It's hosted by a father/son team. To be honest I'm not a big fan of this particular show just because the son, Chuck Bates, is a huge jerk. Personally I'm a moderate, but would probably be considered a conservative because I'm more in line with conservatives on hot topics.
Anyhow, the topic today is on minimum wage. I'm not real sure about it yet but I think that a $2.00 hike at one time is gonna affect small busness an consumers in a negative manner. Of course these segments will eventually absorb this blow and stabilize.
Minimum wage hasn't changed in 9 yrs and that irresponsibility is due to our politicians, but we can't change this fact. Therefore I think they should raise the minimum wage $2.50 over a period of 2 " yrs. This allows the economy to prepare itself for a $0.25 hike on a quarterly basis.
I'm not an economist but my logic tells me that a progressive increase is a lot easier to absorb. Rather than a sudden influx, which has the possibility of busting the balloon.
That's just my opinion and logic though.
They're passing out the mail right now and I am sure hoping to get something. I keep expecting a card or something but-no cigar. It's Wednesday so maybe if not today, tomorrow or Friday. There's no mail on Saturdays and Monday is Christmas.
As you can see, mail is a pretty big deal. Even those of us who don't get much of it sweats it every night.
Oh wiat-here he comes-closer, closer, and...HE STOPS! It's from "CRESP."
It's the holiday letter and I must say, it's nice to have gotten it. Maybe tomorrow I'll hear from my family. ?
Well I reckon I'll close this one down.
-Totidem Verbis-
22 December 2006
Well, it's Friday night. My favorite radio night. NPR does a couple of Blues shows. My favorite one is a show called "Bill's St. Caravan." Bill's St. is a famous street in Memphis known for music clubs and festivals. Anyway, this show spotlights specific artists and their live shows. Tonight their doing an old Stevie Ray Vaughn show. After this they're gonna play a Huey Lewis show. I know most people don't think of him as a Blues artist but if you listen to him close you can hear it. But you need to dig deep into his music to really know his guitar prowess. Huey Lewis is a very underrated guitar player.
The next show to come on is "Friday Night Blues with Brother T-Bone" and he always goes back and plays some old school. Buddy Guy, Booker T, Big Joe Turner, and every now and then he'll throw some Billy Holiday.
After that is "Blue's Quest" and tonite their interviewing Dalbert McClinton. I know if they talk to him I know they're gonna play some Jimmy Reed.
As you can see I love music, and not just Blues. I love old country, classic rock, some new rock, some gospel, classical, jazz, and I really like listening to the music from other cultures. African, Middle East, Indian, Native American, etc. I especially like Japanese a lot.
My favorite band of all time is cheesy but, it's "Journey." I think Steve perry is a great vocalist, and, Neal Schon is a good guitarist who really compliments Perry's vocals.
My favorite female vocalist is Stevie Nicks. Really I love everything about her. Her voice, her looks, her song writing, her depth, and her lacy fashion sense.
My favorite guitarist is a toss up between Santana and Randy Rhodes. My favorite bassist is probably Paul McCartney. My favorite drummer is Rick Allen of Def Lepard. He is a great story of overcoming. My favorite song writer is also a great guitarist, George Harrison.
Now let me qualify all those I just named. Their my favorites always but, my favorites change all the time, depending on my mood. For example there maybe a day where Kirk Cobain maybe my favorite but then tomorrow Dolly Parton is my favorite then later that night Cherkovski may entrall my soul.
I did hear a Jazz artist the other day that really blew me away. He's polish and I probably won't spell his name right but, its Tomas Sctauco. Another artist I hear recently that impressed me was a guy named Amos Lee. He was good.
I'll switch gears now.
I got a card from my mom tonite. It's the first time I've heard from he in a few years. She didn't say anything though. I guess I'm lucky to have got this though. Maybe I'll sit down and write her this weekend.
Well I'll stop for now.
- Totidem verbis-
24 December 2006
It's early Christmas Eve and I sit in my cage thinking over what people out in the world will wake up and do. I'm sure the malls and stores will be packed. People hustling to get those last minute gifts. I also wonder if Americans will give any thought to its citizens that have went astray and put themselves in prison. I wonder if the homeless or addicts merit a thought. What about the orphans or the abused?
Do these people deserve a thought from those Americans who have kept their lives in order? Surely they don't, after all the nation hasn't made prisoners in our homeland a front page headline or a 6 o'clock "top story." How can we waste time on bringing attention to rising crime or in our backyard when we got foreigner combatants to worry about?
Before someone thinks I'm bitter or a Neo-Con let me say that, attention should be brought to the adverse effects of war. We should hold people accountable for the wrongs they do during war. I also believe the government should be watched and critiqued on their decisions, but I also know that we're a country capable of multi-tasking. Therefore attention should be brought to crime, prison, homelessness, drug abuse, domestic abuse, and all other ills of our society.
You may say that attention is brought to those issues, but I say its only rhetoric attention and not productive action. We continue to make excuses and justifications for the people caught up in the vicious cycle of degeneration.
They're a minority or they come from a broken home or they come from a dysfunctional home or blah blah blah. The sorry state of our country is in is because no one wants to be un-sensitive.
I'm a convicted criminal who's been in prison 13 yrs. I come from a broken family that's full of drug addicts and alcoholics. I've got 2 uncles and 5 cousins that have been to prison. I've seen and lived on the underbelly of society and I know it can be cleaned. We just got to stop making excuses and put an effort towards effective strategies.
Anyway, it's not exactly cheery but it was on my mind. I could go on for hours but a lot of what I got to say could be offensive and hurt people's sensibilities, so I'll hold back unless someone wants to hear my ramblings.
Well I finished my portrait I was working on and the guy I did it for liked it a lot. I tried out some new techniques on it that I was happy with. I got a feeling portraits are about to become a hot commodity. That's cool though. It will keep me busy.
I'll close now. Merry Christmas.
-Totidem verbis-
29 December 2006
Just ate breakfast and am listening to the BBC on NPR. The two main stories are the war between Somalia and Ethiopia and Sadam's upcoming execution. He exhausted all his appeals in about two months, so now they have 30 days to hang him.
Really this past week has been full of happenings. On top of all the wars and execution... Gerald Ford died. I know he'll lay in state and he'll get the presidential honors but I guess he won't get the fanfare Reagan did. I mean they aired Reagan's funeral procession on the radio and then did interviews with a bunch of people who filed by his coffin at the Capital Rotunda, which thousands showed up for, including world leaders.
I guess Reagan stood out a lot more in history and there's no doubt he was a much larger force than Ford.
James Brown also passed away. I was really starting to think he was immortal. I mean he was on in his 70's but he lived a really rough life.
By the way I haven't made any entries in a few days just because I had to get another portrait knocked out. It was for a birthday, so it needed to get done quick.
I've been working on this algebra and so far its been a lot easier than I thought, but this morning I hit a wall. I got to the part of solving equations with one variable. 3(x+2)=0 is fairly easy. -3*x + 3*2 (3x+6=0) or 5x-2x=3(4+1) -- 3x/3-5/(3x=15) but 3x-2x+x-4+3-2=0 is one that boggles my mind. I know I got to simplify the left side of the equal sign but it comes out (2x-3=0) and I can't figure out how you do it. I understand how you get (2x) 3x-2x+x=2x. It's the 3 I can't get.
I know people good at math see it as simple as 1,2,3, but us right brainers see no logic in it. I'm gonna keep working with it until I have that "Ah-ha" moment. Hopefully it will come because I'm losing momentum in my eagerness.
Well, I'll close this one.
--Totidem verbis-