The journal of Brent Townsend

Table of Contents:

10 November 2006

I'm always amazed how the little things really make or break me in here. I'm in an excellent mood. I had a good run yesterday. I got to go to the library (It's been cancelled the past few weeks). I got pics of my son and a letter from my Aunt. Even though the news wasn't all that great (my dad's getting back surgery), I was really glad to just hear from someone. Then today we went and picked pecans all day. Real good day at work. Then I got a book from Cresp for the Book Group. If all the days were like the last two, I'd be a very happy inmate :-p

12 November 2006

Here comes the cold. The holidays are coming and I'm doing everything I can to maintain a good attitude and keep from getting the holiday blues. My girl got out last Friday. I'm really hoping to hear from her next week, but don't want to set myself up for failure. If I get my hopes up and she doesn't write, I'll be all bent out of shape so I'll do what I always do: treat it like parole and hope for the best and expect the worst. I also tried to sign up for the changes class since I am within two years of my short wave discharge (my flat, good, and work time equals 100% of my sentence). Trying to keep busy...

14 November 2006

I'm already sick of pecans. We've been picking and shelling them for three days. My thumbs are outta there. I'm thinking maybe I'm not pushing the issue on continuing my education. I really can't do anything here since I have a GED. That's about all they have here. I think I'd feel better if I knew I was doing something that will benefit my future. Right now I feel I'm just wasting time that I could be investing in myself. I don't know what will happen between now and my next parole date, but I want to be doing something instead of just bidding my time...

16 November 2006

Well I've written the education counselor and am awaiting a response. I might need to go to a higher authority. I'm not sure who. Thanksgiving is next week and I don't really feel anything about it or Christmas. I have an emotional void concerning the holidays. I think I should feel sentimental maybe?? Maybe this is a symptom of becoming institutionalized? Still haven't heard from Shannon yet. I wrote her this morning. Hope to hear from her soon. Is it wrong that I'm more concerned about hearing from her than my family?

18 November 2006

Last night we discussed the many possible situations we could find ourselves in when we get out. I like this because I more times than not realize things when I hear myself advising others. Why this is, I do not know. It boiled down to there are going to have to be some MAJOR life changes to keep from doing this again (prison). It will take more than just a change of venue. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I am working on it and I believe that's a sign of progress...

20 November 2006

Why I've been putting the tenth down I have no idea. Like I need an extra month in this year. Well I gotta free day today. Went down to medical and spent a few hours. Always a joy. I started back working out. I've got to get rid of some of this weight I've gained. I know with the holidays here it's a bad time to try to lose, but hey, everything has to have a beginning somewhere. Well I wrote my Dad again hoping to hear from him. Probably won't, haven't in the last 5 yrs so I doubt it will change now. It's all good though. At least my aunt is keeping me up to date on him. Other than that all is well. The days are going by without conflict and I'm staying out of trouble. Start of a new week and I'm sure it will be a good one...

22 November 2006

Well I've gotten back to on the work out schedule. I feel better, like a sense of accomplishment. Haven't been to work in a couple to days. So me and my cellie have found ourselves in the house together a little more often that we care for, but we both understand the situation we're in, so we try to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe it will end up making me (us) better people in the end...

23 November 2006

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone else's was better than mine. I've actually gotten to where I accept it cause I have a fear of becoming institutionalized (big word :-p). But every year seems to get worse and worse. This year the meal left a lot to be desired. We didn't get half the stuff we did last year. Then they cancelled rec. So we didn't get any yard time. It's hard to be thankful when your privileges are being taken away. Especially if you've done nothing to get said privileges taken. This is the punishment phase or so I keep telling myself. I keep thinking it can't get any worse, yet they seem to keep making a liar out of me. Maybe I expect too much is the reason I'm let down, but I try to maintain a certain level on how I expect to live no matter the situation. Is that too much to ask?...

24 November 2006

Well the hits just keep on coming. I went to rec got my workout on, so that was a plus. Then today we had a dominoes tournament and me and my partner won it all. Even it was only $6. That was the good, now for the bad. I'm still in prison. No not really. I mean that's bad, but it's been the norm for 5 yrs now. The bad is I got a letter that told me they denied Shannon's mandatory supervision, which means they took her short wave release date (flat time + work time + good time = 100% of your sentence). So she will stay where she's at till October '07. So that puts an end to me wondering why I haven't heard from her. See in Texas, there is no inmate-to-inmate correspondence. So to keep in touch I have a friend that we both write to and she helps to relay messages. So it's gonna be the same ole song for another year. Unless they do something for me where I see parole next year in May. Always try to stay optimistic anything can happen...

26 November 2006

I believe I've mentioned this before but I really dislike weekends. They seem to last forever in here. I'm actually ready to go back to work. Too many days with nothing to do make for hard time. Not to mention I'm ready to get out of this building for a while. I'm sending all my Christmas cards to my kids and my Dad and my Sunt today. Go ahead and get all that over with. I'm really not a holiday person but then I've also not has the chance to do them with my son and daughter yet. I think that will make a big difference in how I look at a lot of things. Till then I will try to maintain my optimistic outlook on things and hope for the best.

28 November 2006

Somehow I have ended up back in cognitive intervention again. It's not what I was expecting. I was trying to get into the Changes class, that way I would have completed all the classes here that they offer that I'm eligible for. I'm really pretty frustrated with the educational department here. I've been trying to get into college or a trade for almost a year and have been waiting for results. It's been a year for college and about 8 months for the trade. I feel like I'm being put off. I'd like to get those things going so I can finish them. Before my release, I'd like to leave here with more than the knowledge of selling drugs and cutting grass with a hoe. So far in my 4+ years that's all I've learned. I'm only asking for the opportunity to learn. I feel like this is not really about rehabilitating myself or anyone for that matter. It's more like I'm just being detained until they have to let me go. Not a lot of thought or effort is going into my re-entry into society...

30 November 2006

Well I guess I made enough noise to make something happen. Although it wasn't what I wanted, I somehow got back in Cognitive Intervention. I've already finished this class. I was wanting to get into Changes. I went to see the counselor and got everything straight. I'm still waiting for college and auto paint and body. I'm on the list for Changes also. I even found out I'm high priority for a drug program. When and if I get a F-I which is parole. Not sure how I feel about that cause that will mean more stipulations on me when I do get out. I won't have anymore on me than I have now I just want the odds as favorable as I can get them...

2 December 2006

Another week done. Now it's all about knocking out this month and starting a new year. This will put me closer to go see parole again. 4th time for those of you that are counting (Me). I skipped out on Rec today. I had to get some letters caught up also I've been slacking on my Journal writing. Also, I've got a course from the College Guild I need to get started on. I left my library book in the showers yesterday and it screwed my whole day up. I couldn't get back down there to get it so I hope it gets turned in so my library privileges don't get screwed up. We don't get to go often. If that went to not at all I'd be screwed. SO I stayed mad about that almost all day yesterday. I reflect on it now that it was a waste of time cause by the time I got mad, what was done was already done...

4 December 2006

Today was a good day for a Monday. They cancelled rec for reason unknown, but I got mail, which as we know from past entries makes me happy. I'm starting to get a better relationship with my son's mom. Something I haven't had since we split up. A lot of the reason was I didn't want o accept my part of the blame for things not working out. Now I've come to realize a lost of it was my fault. So by being honest with myself, I've made the relationship better. I'm really kinda disappointed. It took me so long to come around...

6 December 2006

I'm really getting tired of '06. I'm trying to get a job and it hasn't been going too good. The punishment phase is getting to be more than I bargained for. I'm really wanting to move around. I've only been on this line for like six months, but there's really not anyone here I really click with and it makes my time easier when I got a partner I can pass it with. It's starting to get cold. That's good. I like the cold. A lot of these guys will stay in ther houses/cells under the blanket. I think I'm becoming a little withdrawn, maybe even a little antisocial. Doing time is like having a job. If you're not happy with it, it drags and is the worst place in the world to be. If I can make a move, I think I can click off another year pretty quick. I try to be realistic about it. I know I'm not gonna leave so I'm trying to make the best of it. Expect the worst and hope for the best. I'd really like to be in a good position when I see parole in five months. So I gotta try to make it happen now cause nothing moves quick here...

8 December 2006

Well this puts an end to yet another week. I really try not to count days cause it seems to make the time even longer that it is. I am glad when every week ends though. I got a letter from Brenda today. It always brings mixed emotions. I'm always glad to hear from her. But she never answers any of my questions. I'm always glad to hear from her. But she never answers any of my questions and is always so vague about what is going on with her.

10 December 2006

The weather is starting to get bad. That means that rec will be getting cancelled more often making it harder for me to stay on my workout program. I hate it cause that means I'll put on more weight and it's getting harder to take it off each spring. I'm gonna try to be more tenacious about doing push ups and jumping jacks and crunches in my cell. Other than that I've been in pretty good spirits and everything is going pretty good. Everybody just wrote me and that makes me really happy. It will probably be a minute before they write again. That sucks. I wish they were more consistent but I'm glad for what I got.

12 December 2006

Well it's back to the same old grind. I got my Maxim magazine denied yesterday. It has offensive and defensive fighting techniques? This is the third one in the past 7 months. It's getting ridiculous. My first amendment right has really been taking a beating. This is my last week of cognition Intervention. I'm glad for that. I'm ready to start going back outside again. I sent my Dad a wallet I got made in the Craftshop for his birthday/ Christmas present. I don't know when he'll get it cause he's going for back surgery tomorrow, then he'll be staying with a friend recuperating. I'm hoping everything goes alright. I'll have to wait and hear from my Aunt to find out. My dad hasn't wrote me since I've been here. I'm not upset about it cause I know the kind of man he is so I accept it because I know he loves me so I'm OK with that...

14 December 2006

I'm ready for the library to be shut down (12/15/06-1/9/07). I got my metal Edge and a package from CRESP. So I'm set for the holidays. Also tomorrow will be my last day of CI. Yea!! So I go back to work and I can go to Noon rec when we don't work. So everything is going pretty good right now. My attitude has been good and everything is going pretty good right now. My attitude has been good and everything is going smooth so all is well. Sure would like to coast on out of '06...

16 December 2006

Recreation has been cancelled. No more rec on the weekend. I don't like it but I got no choice but accept it. So until TDCJ can beef up their staff I get shorted on rec. Sometimes chicken sometimes feathers. Although if I get any more feathers I will be ready to start flying!!! I got another school lay in hope it's for the Changes course. If so, I'll have enough time to finish it before I see parole for the fourth time and I'll be looking good. i really wish I was getting in college or my trade though I really need something to take with me out there when and if they cut me loose.