PRISONER EXPRESS

In the night, as a child, primordial beasts chased me through the darkness of my dreams. It was a struggle to fight free of their grasping claws as I tried to scream and had my voice stifled by my fear. Once awake my terror would bind me to the bed as every creak sent shivers down my spine. I was alone and every shadow had fangs and claws.

There was only one safe harbor and to get there I had to get out of my room, down the hall, pass the dark bathroom where anything might be lurking and into my big sister's bed. I would lay trembling until the fear became more than I could bear. Then I would climb out of my bed and creep down the cold, dark hallway to Claudia's door.

Both my sisters, Claudia and Dorothy, slept in one double bed. Claudia was six years older than me and Dorothy was four years older than I was. Either one could give me comfort in the night, but Dorothy slept too hard to wake easily. That was why it was always Claudia I went to for protection when the devil was walking in my dreams. With a touch on her arm Claudia's eyes would open. When she would see me no words were needed. She'd just pull me under the covers and cuddle me close. There wouldn't be much room, Dorothy was a bed hog, and I'd be lying on the edge with Claudia's arms to gold me and make sure I didn't fall off.

Those were the most restful hours of the night for me. Nothing could threaten me when my sister held me tight. Best of all, Claudia was an early riser and would get me back in my bed before anyone knew that I had been afraid of the dark.

In years later I'd come to believe there was nothing in the night more dangerous than me. Darkness was a veil of invisibility to hide behind as crime became my life. In the middle of the night I'd move through shadows to steal and rob the unsuspecting. It was the time to do drugs and I did my share as I became one with the night and night became one with me.

Now I've come full circle. My nights are never dark because I live in prison where light is a constant. Still, within me, there is night. Though I am no longer prone to night fears I have found there is one beast more dangerous than I that walks the night. There are times when I awake and wish for protection from the loneliness. No longer is it possible to creep down the hall to my sisters loving arms and be snuggled close beneath the covers. Instead, I lie alone, locked in a tiny cell, with only my memories to hold me.