PRISONER EXPRESS

I was not grateful for the hard work and sacrifice of my parents; in my self-absorbed state I only saw what I did not have, and what other kids did have. Considering that I took advanced classed that had a large percentage of students who came from wealthy families, the disparity between me and them, not to mention the cracks and jibes that I received from some dedicated souls. What I could not see through this ridicule and the resulting resentment that grew within me, was that their attitudes-as well as mine-were shallow, lacking real substance. Such enlightenment and transcendent thinking was not within the realm of my psyche. So instead of gratitude for what I did have, my heart was steeped in resentment for what I did not possess.

The examples of my ingratitude could go on and on, but it would only be more of the same. For most of my life, I have never been content with what I have possessed. Being stripped of all my possessions, as well as most of my pride and all my honor, I have come to understand what gratitude is, or at least should be.

While possessions should not be the basis of gratitude, one should be grateful for what he or she does have in life, even in prison. With all the conflict and abject poverty in the world, most of us should not sit around throwing pity parties amongst ourselves. Contentment must be found in what we do have, for if contentment is based upon the objects and possessions in life, a superficial nature can manifest around a hollow soul, or if not soul, whatever name you choose to attribute to the essence that makes you who you are. If your self worth is based upon "things", you may one day find that you can quite easily be reduced to less than nothing.

I have heard many a selfish fool within these walls curse and disparage their mother, their girl, their family, and their friends when they do not receive a letter, or worse, if money isn't sent to their books. I just shake my head at all of it, because if I received half of what these cats have in the way of mail, funds, and visits, I would consider myself the most fortunate man behind bars. I feel fairly sure of myself when I say that most of us on this side of the fence did not do much to help those who were within our circles. An overwhelming majority of us were perfect shits, taking more than we gave. Gratitude for the love and concern of those closest to us should be first and foremost, especially for those of us in danger. Despite the lies that we have adopted as truths, most of us did not do much, if anything at all to earn the compassion of those in the free. From an extremely pragmatic point of view, what benefit are we to them?

As twisted and insane as it may seem, I have actually come to see my imprisonment with an odd sense of gratitude. Before my imprisonment, I was concerned with little else but what I could get out of life, the pleasures that I could experience. Hooking up with some chick, getting blasted on booze or weed, cruising on my bike, these were pretty much all I had for goals. Even then I could not be grateful for those things when I had them. While I'm no 10 to a girl(or even 9 or 8, maybe a 7 if she likes to laugh), I was never satisfied with any woman for long. Eventually her sweet voice became noise, and the charms I thought they possessed became tawdry and tarnished. Instead of straddling a Honda or Yamaha, I wanted a Harley. Rather than Soco or Skunk, I wanted Johhny Red.

Although I still look back with fondness on most of these things (women, weed, and wheels, though I'll pass on the stupor and loss of control the booze brought on) I realize that my character and nature, who I truly was, was as undeveloped as an aborted fetus. With this incarceration I have spent much time in introspection, identifying all my faults and inadequacies, even the ones I'd rather not recognize. They are quite a motley collection. I feel that I must use this time to rid myself of these aberrations, much as a dog roots out the fleas from his body, incessantly, without end, because much like those fleas, bad habits and twisted thoughts often find their way back to us, oftentimes without resistance.

So I am grateful for what I should rationally despise. By establishing an ethos with myself based upon honor and integrity, any depravity or degradation that can be visited upon me can be overcome. Pride and honor cannot be taken away from you if they are true, not merely facades or loosely held ideals lacking in construction. Through discipline and perseverance, much of what we decry as unjust or unbearable can be trivialized and made inconsequential. By viewing your imprisonment in such a manner, the seeming control of those who would oppress you can be wrested away, making their power less potent and in some cases, impotent. Attainment of this control comes through a true understanding of self, and is based on the proper foundation. Contentment without stipulations can be yours. With this, gratitude can be felt for every aspect of your life, regardless of where you may reside or who others deem you to be. Gratitude, in its purest sense, cannot be affected by anything, as it is a state of mind, and while many cannot be truly grateful for who they are, one can always be grateful for the opportunity to improve and purify oneself.