PRISONER EXPRESS

From the perspective of others, there is no reason for gratitude in my life. What others perceive as insurmountable catastrophe has become the catalyst for intellectual, spiritual, and emotional growth. My gratitude is for my hardships. Without them my ignorance would remain and my life would still be stagnant.

Having a ten count offense for attempted capital murder of police officers makes parole unlikely. This is my sixteenth year of a thirty five year sentence, and my history of staff assaults doesn't improve my chances for parole, neither does having detainers in two other states. That mean's I'll be sixty six when Texas has no choice but to let me go. And that's only if I don't get more time before then. That's always a possibility in Texas.

It's been years since I last heard from any member of my family. Not one friend remains from my life before prison, not even my common-law wife. She was also my fall partner and would still be in prison if not for me. That's life.

There are also health issues to consider. Many of you have learned of my plight through my writing. It's a fact, I have HIV. It's rampant in Texas prison and sex isn't the only way to catch it. How it's caught is the most irrelevant part of catching it. More people than you'd ever believe are currently infected and many don't want to be tested, or have been and are in denial of the results. Considering I've been on medication since January of 2001, over six years, it's doubtful I'll live to finish this sentence.

Some have more time than I do. Others have less. Any sentence can become a death sentence. None of us knows what tomorrow might hold. HIV made parole irrelevant and it no longer concerns me. Let others worry about what they cannot change. In accepting the inevitability of my situation I've found peace. Life is no longer so hard to accept on its own terms. Day by day I live it, each day a blessing if it allows me the opportunity to reach out and improve my fellow prisoners' lives. Not everyone can be helped. Many are not ready to progress beyond their negative emotions and hatred. Until then, my goal is to provide books to help them survive and move forward while filling the idle hours imposed by prison.

Loss of my family and friends made me reevaluate my life and realize that if they could be lost, they were not worth having anyway. Now, my friends are my family. I honor them because they fulfill my life and lift me up. Quite an improvement over what I had before.

HIV forced me to face my immorality. No one lives forever. Each person is born dying and most never realize it until it's too late. Due to HIV I stopped squandering my life one day at a time, and began to live it. Rather than wait for a future in freedom I searched out life in the here and now. My existence became worthwhile when my days became precious to me.

Admitting my HIV, and chancing the adversity that admission might bring, is part of the next step in my growth. Who is better capable of helping others understand this condition? Who else can so well warn prisoners of the possible consequences of sex and violence? I've placed an HIV survival guide for prisoners with Act Up Austin to be distributed by Inside Books Project in Austin. I've moved on to new goals, using my life and troubles to help others, so that living has meaning.

These are the things I'm grateful for. It may be hard for some to understand how such disastrous events can squeeze gratitude from my heart. Few lives are without crises, even more so for prisoners. Yes, there are dark clouds, rumbling thunderheads full of lightning. In each cloud of mischance there is flashing silver to be grasped, but only if you have the courage to face the storm, and be grateful for the chance.