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Other essays on this theme
Essay: "Isolation and Solitude"by Lawrence Madlock Isolation, Despair, Depression, Solitude. There are just so many words to describe life in here, yet none of them really has a definitive meaning. I can look out of any of these windows and tell you that I'm reminded of the isolation, solitude and loneliness we face on a daily basis. The Unit I'm on now is almost completely made of glass! Who's idea that was I don't know, did they have us, the inmates, in mind when they came up with the concept? Did they think that we would enjoy the view of miles upon miles of fields and trees? I'm looking out the window right now just for you so that would might see through me and my words what I see! Right now it's recreation time out on the yard, so there's a lot going on. So let's see what there's out there to see. Oh, I see Depression out that today, so is Despair. Hmm… there goes Forgotten, he goes out almost every day. What, you say those aren't think you can see? Well, look closer, because like most people on the other side of the fence you're not looking hard enough, and it's hard to see what you really don't want to see. So let me help you look, I'll show you what to look for. Now do you see that guy sitting against the fence watching everybody on the weights working out? Well that's Despair, he doesn't want to join in because he doesn't fit in to that group of people. You can tell by the way he's sitting, head down, back against the fence, legs drawn up to his chest that he seems to be in a forlorn mood right now, feeling forgotten and alone! Oh, look, way at the back of the rec yard, see the guy pacing back and forth in the far right hand corner? He just stopped pacing and is now looking out through the fence, with his hands laced behind his back. He's got a mild case of depression, yeah in here it's like a sickness. It comes and goes, more common than the cold. See he's wanting to be out on the other side? Looking at all those tress and watching the road where the Officers come to work, where the visitors drive down to see us, he's feeling a sense of loss, wishing he hadn't done whatever he did that got him in here! People say how can you feel alone around all those other people? Sometimes dumb questions need not to be answered, but maybe it's not so dumb to those who really don't know! We are comforted by the people we know, places that we are familiar with. A group of strangers does not breed security! Or trust! I can speak on this because I've felt along, I've felt despair, hopelessness! I've cried while reading a letter from home, I've cried in the dark! For years lost! With family, friends, my Daughter. It's not easy putting this out there for the world to read, but maybe it will change someone else's thinking, maybe someone will read this and say damn, I don't want to go through that. And because it's the truth! Being incarcerated doesn't make you an animal, but it can make you feel less than human, when you're being treated less than human. Let me tell you a story, okay. At the beginning of my sentence, well actually a few years into it, me and my girlfriend were having a hard time. She was taking things harder than I was, crying at every visit, just having a difficult time with our incarceration, and I say our because it's true, your family and (some) friends do this time with you. Well anyway during one of our visits she got all emotional, and when your visitor gets all emotional, you tend to get to feeling the same way! Well she was crying and I'm trying to do my best to console her and I say baby stop crying it's not like I'm dead or anything and her response was "when I'm at home alone sometimes I feel like you are, I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! And I am in mourning!!!" My insides froze up at those words. It was a real mind numbing moment for me. I thought, you're going to lose her because of the fact that you weren't man enough to keep your ass out of trouble. But like everything else, you either deal with it and try to get by or you let it and thought of doing this time alone consume you. We face the fact that we are isolated, cut off from society, and as I was once told pretty much dead to those we claim to love and care for. To be here away from everything that you know is punishment. In itself, these places are set up to destroy families. I don't think that anyone that has broken the law should get a free pass. But I believe that a person's punishment should fit the crime! I've met people here that have no business being here at all. Their only crime was they couldn't afford good council. And I've met those who should never leave this place. Places like this are soul shattering! And for some of those who come here, that's not a long way to go! This is a place of constant depression, where solitude meets heartache, where a letter or a visit could lead to redemption, or destruction. (Solitude!) not really a nice word around here, but these are the things we see daily, whether you are laying in your bunk and just looking out of your cell through the bars or looking out on the rec yard. We all hold one thought in the back of our minds, and that's that there is truly no place like HOME.
P.S. Maybe I'll look outside again tomorrow and tell you if anything has changed… |