PRISONER EXPRESS

Prison is a mixture of forced solitude and the direct opposite â€" no privacy at all. I live in an 8 by 12 foot cell. It has 3 walls, floor, and ceiling, with a bed (2 beds tho I live alone), a desk and stool, a toilet/sink combination without hot water. The fourth wall is open â€" or rather all bars. This is the side of my cell that opens to a twelve foot hall and two large windows straight across from me. This means even when the unit is in lock down there is very little solitude. There is not five minutes a day you can sit on the toilet. There is no privacy. If you must have privacy, go to solitary.

I have been in solitary confinement three times in 11 years â€" once for my own protection. Solitary confinement affects each person in a different way. I am Deaf. There are a lot of Deaf in prison. We are a separate class of humans â€" children of a Lesser God, remember. To experience this, put on a Deaf tag and go somewhere you are not known â€" a mall or college campus. Remember you are Deaf, so don’t blush or let your anger show when others openly talk about you. I have an I.Q. of 125, yet officers and inmates treat me as tho I am mentally retarded. I am Deaf; because of a head injury I wear diapers; I shake almost constantly because of M.S.. No one is going to give me a chance to prove myself. To every one I am a dummie. Funny, this dummy can say over 4,000 words, read lips at about 60%, and somehow (tho I am not sure how) I know more about what is going on around me than hearing people. Don’t think I am angry. Many Deaf people are angry about how we are treated. I am not angry; however, I am going to use every tool God gave me, including my disabilities. That makes me a con and it makes for some very funny situations.

You might think I have gotten totally off the subject. I actually do that a lot. In this case I only wish to show a comparison. For instance, solitary confinement has little affect on me. Deafness is solitary confinement. I was slightly more fortunate â€" or less. You must have something before it can be taken away. I had an identical twin brother. We were more than friends, more than brothers, more than twins. We were soul mates, and yes, we were gay. But he was killed when we were 16 years old and I had to learn about loneliness. I have found solitude very comforting in my grief.

The other “for instance” I will pose as a question for now: if the Deaf are so much lower in intelligence â€" in fact usually not even shown human decency â€" why are we held to the same standards and laws?

In solitary confinement they put you in a room that has a solid metal door. There is no way to see anything or anyone. For me there is, of course, no sound. It is jus me and my Bible, pen and paper. Strange, I can read the thickest novel in about 20 collective hours, but I can’t read the Bible in 15 days. Also, I love to write. Give me pen and paper and I will create my own world. Also, because of my medical condition they must call someone from Medical when taking my property. There are things I must have to take care of myself. I know all the Nurses real well â€" I used to be one. They will usually get me as much of my property as they can. The Officers get mad and say, “give the retard all this shit!” To which I say, “Tank you.” (Yes, I know there is an “H” in there, but double consonant sounds are a difficult concept for the deaf.) See, that is what I mean by using it. I can’t help what narrow minded people think, but I can use it to dictate what they do.

Let me give you another for instance. This one may have little to do with the subject, but it is true. It has happen more than once. I love to do it and to tell about it. Now suppose you are a TDCJ Security Guard with an inflated ego and malice for your fellow man, or woman. Your attention has jus been drawn to an inmate not behaving as others do. (I sorry, the Deaf are always making some noise. We are fascinated with vibration â€" Good Vibrations.) To start with you tell him to get out of them (his clothes) because you were told this humiliates them and you like that. You learn he is Deaf and therefore Dum (meaning stupid, not the inability to talk). He is also very small and shaky. Next you learn he is wearing a diaper and you have to stop him before he takes it off. Already your co-workers are giving you a hard time and will for weeks. You are trying to think of what to do next when he suddenly puts his thumb in his mouth and wrinkles up his face as tho he is about to cry. What are you going to do? You get him out of sight; get him dressed and calm down; resolve the situation quickly; then ask your superiors to put you on the back gate for a few months or until everyone forgets.

Okay, I admit it. I am a con-artist, but I wasn’t before I came to prison. Okay, I’m lying. I was a bit of a con-artist before I came to prison, but I wasn’t as good at it. Now, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself.

Other people do okay in solitary as well, provided it is only 15 days or less. It is jus a good time to get their head straight. They don’t have to go to work or school. It is a great time to get away from all the B.S. (Bogus Soap opera). You can catch up on sleep, write a bunch of letters, read, meditate, even Yoga. Exercise is almost a must in solitary. Still others find it very difficult to be alone for 15 days. These guys would go crazy in Seg. or on long lock downs. For them it is punishment and could be a learning experience, if they are really guilty in the first place. First thing we all learn is that there are plenty of innocent men in prison. If you are a criminal you know the ones who are not â€" same as anything else. For most of us the court system was a big joke and that goes for the guilty and the innocent. I admit to breaking the law. I was taught as a child, we were Daddy’s little thieves and very good at it. I was never caught breaking the law. That’s right; I am innocent of what I am in prison for. I was prove guilty by the simple fact that I was accused. No other evidence was needed. The court system within prison is even more corrupt. If you dare plead innocent you will get ten times the punishment. From what I have read â€" and I read a lot â€" this is the same judicial system used in China and some third world countries. If you are accused you are guilty. They do this so they can show all these disciplinary cases and say (to the parole board or the general public) look how bad these criminals are.

Well I have a better gauge to show not only how bad we are, but how bad they really think we are. These days it is very laughable what they hire for guards. Last night we had an old man in his 60s. The inmate janitor (SSI) had to keep waking him up when a sergeant or another officer came by to keep him out of trouble. We have a shortage of officers, so we have to take care of the ones we have. Today we have a female officer about twenty-five years old. She is about five foot tall and seven months pregnant. There are one hundred and eleven inmates on this wing and we are not lock down. There is not another officer in sight 90% of the time. That is how dangerous we are. More to the point, that is how non-dangerous they know we are. Fact is we are helping her study for her G.E.D. However, they have to keep coming up with bogus disciplinary cases to justify their jobs and violence toward inmates.

Then there is one other group where solitary confinement is concerned. There guys are crazy or go crazy in such settings. I did not know â€" not being able to hear â€" that most guys in solitary yell back and forth so they don’t feel so alone. We had a deaf SSI and he told me this and what else was going on. At first it was jus some guys threatening to hurt themselves so they could get out of there for awhile, or at least the Psych would come talk to them. That worked for awhile, but when none of them did anything it stopped working. So one of them slit their wrist. That got us all some attention for awhile. After that it was like the smell of blood started or something. One guy cut a finger off. Another cut his testicles off. He had one in his hand and they asked him where the other one was. He said he had already ate it. He wasn’t kidding either. He told a captain that he wasn’t really crazy, he jus could not stand it anymore. The captain said he understood but, “all things considered, you are crazy.”

But the crazy stuff continued. It got to a point they ran us all to the gym. Psych Department was there and some from medical, some non-abusive officers as well. We played games, watched TV, and talked for hours. Then we went back to our solitary cell and sleep. I didn’t know but it started again about 4am. That day they cleaned out solitary. It went down as time served and we went to our regular cells. They showed that they know the process is wrong, but they have change nothing. Last summer a man laid in solitary for two week with a broken neck. He died. They played the game of pointing fingers and denial. TDCJ paid out of court to keep it all quiet. This is all a man’s life means to them.

A few years ago TDC (Texas Department of Corrections) was changed to TDCJ (Texas Department of Criminal Justice). “Criminal Justice” as tho they are admitting they are criminals. They could have called it Civil Justice or jus Justice. Prison does not correct or rehabilitate. The inmate is confined for a certain number of years, but what ever the problem was is not corrected. In affect, it is like damaged goods you return to the store and they jus sale it to someone else who has to return it. The ignorant store manager wonders why it keeps coming back. Furthermore, the inmate is harassed and aggravated by officers trained to show malice and contempt. Hate breeds hate. Inmates are not treated like normal human beings, much the same as the Deaf. In fact dogs about to be put to death are treated better and have better housing. For instance, my roof leaks and there is a fungus in the concrete that bleach won’t kill. I have only complained for two years. The process is strip them naked â€" make them run around naked as much as possible â€" call them names â€" humiliate and clown them â€" treat them as lower class animals. The same techniques used in Iraq that the world screamed about are used in TDCJ today. We don’t complain because no one cares and it would show them it was working. It does work, but for what? You have an angry man that you are making angrier. Some say it is jus a part of prison or what criminals deserve. Well it is not part of prison. It is in fact against the laws of our Constitution. Then comes the day that the lower class animal gets out of prison. He may have went in to prison with some misconcepts or even innocent, but he served his time and now you are going to release a lower class animal well trained in hate, plus he has acquired the skills to be good at what he does. My question is what did you expect?

A parable if I might (this is from experience and the comparison is jus so true): a Deaf child goes to school, eager and bright eyed, expect to get an education jus the same as everyone else. He has already learned that he is not equal to the other children. He learnt about their ignorance toward him early, as it was taught to the other kids by adults, even their parents. He understands a lot more than they give him credit for. Still it only serves to make him more determined â€" determined to learn and show them by example that he is as good as they are. Yet also determined not to be like them, not to hate. The very first thing he learns in school is that even children from other countries, here illegally and not able to speak English, are going to get a better education than he will. Everything he learns he will teach himself and in the long run it doesn’t even matter. He can not get as good of a grade as the other kids no matter how well he does. If the teacher gives him as good a grade as the other kids she would be calling them stupid. There is some unwritten rule to the affect. On the other hand, he also can not make a failing grade. The education system is set up to automatically pass him though school. He can do absolutely nothing and make a passing grade.

As a young man he learns that most colleges will not accept him. There is a communication problem tho that is not the reason given. If nothing else, he cannot pass entrance exams. Yet, why not? He passed High School, has a diploma same as anyone else. At first he really does not understand that this is more of the same he has went through all his life. He knows, despite his diploma, he did not get a good education. His plan is to educate himself by going to the library, buying and studying all kinds of books, even taking a G.E.D. course. In a few years he will try College again. For now he needs a job.

So this same young man enters the job market. Even with unemployment there are actually lots of jobs out there. He is young and has no experience. He understands this makes getting a job harder, however he has to work to get experience. He is more than willing to take a laborers position: digging ditches, trash collect, clean up in a factory. These jobs are not open to him. He is Deaf. This is not exactly discrimination â€" or at least, it is legal. Insurance companies and safety programs consider the Deaf high risk and most companies will not hire them for that reason. While learning this â€" and some employment agent will explain this to the Deaf â€" he also learns that he is eligible for Supplemental Social Income (SSI) and Medicare. In fact he has been eligible for this all his life. In effect, society is saying that they don’t expect him to work. It is jus another way of saying he is too dum. Many Deaf take this money, but all consider it an insult. For this young man it is one insult too many.

There is only two things he has experience in. One is industrial dishwasher. While other kids were learning to flip burgers at fast food restaurants, he was learning to operate an industrial dishwasher. They come with pictorial instructions that go up on the wall for the Deaf. The other thing is that computers these days teach themselves. He, like any other kid, knows all there is to know about computers, except how to make money at it. He goes to a restaurant hoping they will give him a chance at something that pays a little more. They take him to the dishwasher.

After years of fighting to be equal, the young Deaf man finally gets it. He is not equal. Society will not accept him as a normal human. So why should he behave like one? He has seen plenty of ways to make money. He can take this SSI and make money on the side. He can even take a job washing dishes and steal food while he works. It is odd how Deaf male prostitutes make real good money. Drug dealers don’t mind having a Deaf guy around cause he can’t hear anything to repeat. But the biggest opportunity is with his computer. There are some crimes the cops don’t believe the Deaf are smart enough to commit. He don’t even need to feel guilty â€" he is not human after all.

I learnt long ago I was not human. My brother and I ran all over God’s creation naked and no one had any objections. Because I was Deaf I was not allowed to testify in court. I was never allowed to serve on a jury. I was denied a driver’s license even tho I passed the written test. There was no one to give me the other part of the test. When I first came to prison they gave one specific work restriction. It says “no complex instructions.” I have an I.Q. of 125 and I can’t understand complex instructions? They don’t even have jobs in here which I would consider the instructions complex.

So I ask, is it stealing for a coyote to eat a deer? It is adultery for a bull to service 20 cows? It is wrong for the Deaf dishwasher to take home a box of hamburgers? Laws and even the Ten Commandments were meant for humans not animals of lower intelligence. It is the same for those in prison. There are those who have been here for 20 years or more. They are forced to work long hours without pay. Even Good Time and Work Time credits they must sign away or be denied parole. They are forced to run around naked or in their underwear (or diaper for me) or be stripped publically at any officer’s whim and complaining will only make it worse. They are dehumanized over time. Yet they are expected to act like humans when they leave here. Prison creates cunning animals who look like humans. What did society expect? At least I was better prepared before I came in here. I don’t work. I don’t do much of what they want at all and they really don’t expect me to. I am a dummie after all.