The journal of Lamarr Little
August 11th, 2007
My journal The beginning
As I look within my mind, I find that I feel stronger than I ever felt before more in a mental sense, plus I haven't been afraid to express exactly how I felt or what I'm thinking in a very long time. Though sometimes my opinion isn't the most popular or acceptable. I'm more of an independent thinker but sometimes I get a little carried away with entertaining conspiracy theories. I truly believe that there is much more to everything. You see everything has a purpose and meaning so my conscious mind tells me to dig deeper and never expect anything on face value. Okay I'm baffling. I express my self as a free man with a free mind, though my physical body is in confinement, this restriction is as limited as the limitations it intends. One thing that I constantly think about is something that I can't explain. About three and a half years ago, I cannot recall the exact date but it was around 12:30am and I was reading a book by William Cooper, while I read laying under a burgundy velour blanket.
Another unusual experience I had was when I was working for a security company (S.E.B) in 1999 at the Sigfield movie theatre in Manhattan on 34th between 6th and 7th avenue. It was after twelve and the last movie was running, playing was Starwars Episode I Phantom Menace, there weren't too many people in the theatre. Probably a hundred or so, but I stood outside of the exit smoking a black & mild cigar when I noticed some form of movement like some one came from up stairs, now as I approached the inside of the theatre where they have memorabilia from the 1900s I saw that the velvet rope that blokes the box office from the escalator was rocking back and forth as if some one bumped it while going over it. I asked if anyone was there while looking at the escalator then toward the box office, but no one responded nor was anyone there. Mind you, the velvet rope is still moving back and forth. The deep part is the escalator is running up so no one could have come down it without me noticing.
We are told that "people fear what they don't understand" and I became very familiar with that phrase because I do fear what I don't understand.
September 12th, 2007
Today was a some what good day though it rained and was kind of humid. I surprisingly got a lot of work done. I run a peer counseling program called "reality & pain" and one of the functions in the program is an art class which I teach. Many of the artist are improving and I feel so good about it because to the world I'm also teaching other such. I listen to music while I paint, sometimes it motivates me, depending on what I'm listening to. Right not I'm in R&B mode: I have David Hollister "Chicago 85 The Movie" in my radio. I love every song. There aren't too many albums where every song is like a single. Anyway, I would like to make time for reading but I keep putting energy into everything else. That's what I'm trying to accomplish now, "Balance". There's a time for everything and I know I have to put things in order. I washed clothes (by hand) for the last couple of days, the whites are a headache when you don't have access to bleach. Since I'm using Tide I've been able to manage.
October 12th, 2007
I awoke today feeling energized because the day before I worked out for an hour and a half. I got a lot of rest last night so I was really ready to face another day in prison. Sometimes I visualize myself in a different realm to eliminate the reality of prison. It works to the point where this experience is educational every second of the day. I learn about; depression, hatred, abuse, ignorance, laziness, worries, aggression, desperation, gratitude, respect and the psychological effect of prison itself. I find that it destroys your trust for justice or your trust in justice especially when authority figures knowingly punishes you for the actions of others. I've noticed how much I'm bothered by this when I experienced it the other day. When there's a group of men and the noise level is above conversational tone you are subjected to several forms of abuse but the worse two are the mental and physical abuse. For example, you could be forced o stand in a corridor for a half an hour or endor verbal insults to degrade or belittle people. Even though maybe two or three people were loud, everyone s punished of held accountable. Fairness doesn't exist in prison whatever you endor you must suck it up and more forward because if you entertain it you fell right into a trap. Now this trap buries you with so many problems its like you are in a prison within a prison (not to change the subject but...) I have to be honest with myself and others, I'm eating lemon cookies right now, its about 12:08 a.m. and I know good and well I'm not suppose to be eating anything this late especially junk food. I couldn't help it, they taste so good!
I had a dream the other night that it snowed heavy. I don't know what that means but we're in October and I know that snow is right around the corner. I have to get my hands on this dream psychology book I once had while I was on Rikers Island. I recall it mentioning something about snow being in your dreams. I know it means something, everything has a purpose and meaning.
It's cold right now, the facility suppose to turn on the heat Monday or Tuesday. I have to pull out all of my winter clothes and store all of my summer shirts and shorts. I love the winter more than I love the summer I guess since I was born in November. Today is actually the two hundred and eighty fifth day of the year. We are approaching some very sold days. It seems colder in prison because of the bars. In all reality the only thing that matters is that I'm alive. I always acknowledge that there are people in this world in worse predicaments than me. So I sit with sound conversing with thoughts that exist between seconds.
12 February 2008
"It's time for me to get out of prison. I honestly feel it's time for the Department of correction to let me go. I know that I'm ready, I know that I can be a productive citizen in society.Â" I try to tell myself this everyday and will a change in my situation. The mind is powerful and will is a realistic approach for changing what's going on in this realm. I'm really tired of this whole prison life thing, It's so exaggerated and boring. It's like your job, when your not making any progress, your ready for a different environment or work place. There is no progress in prison, there's only suppression and oppression. For example, I suppress my feelings on a daily basis, I'm oppressed on a daily basis. I have to conduct myself in an aggressive manner or maintain an unapproachable demeanor. I'm constantly being oppressed by Officer's who don't have any social skills are appear to have never been around any other race of people besides themselves. I bite my lip and I hold my head high and move in a direction that's in my interest. I stay to myself and help those that are trying to help themselves. I build with like minds on ways we can better ourselves under these circumstances. It began snowing today so I guess I will not be going outside until it gets nice. The prison seems colder inside than it does outside. Time appears to be going by fast then it slows up to the point where it feels as if I'm stuck in time. I've been thinking about the future a lot lately and I see myself in a better position than I'm in now. I've been feeling angry, depressed and alone lately because all of my feelings are being kept inside.
12 March 2008
I made a mature decision today to accept responsibility for mistreating my best friend. I accused my best friend of something due to my own misdirected anger and frustration. I apologized and pointed out the cause of my misjudgment and I hope that I'm forgiven. Sometimes this prison environment causes you to absorb it's addictive aggressiveness. I found myself becoming angry with situations that didn't affect me directly. I took on other peoples problems and I dwelled in it deeply, analyzing my own circumstances and situation looking for a way to relate. I overcame this as I did some mental cleaning, evaluating my own personal sense of direction. It's unfortunate that I allowed myself to become sucked into a web of destruction.
I believe that I'm good at expressing myself even though I may have some trouble articulating certain feelings that I learned to be complicated and unusual. I work a lot artistically, trying to take my mind into another realm. I'm currently working on a 30Â"x40Â" oil painting titled "Touching the New World.Â" I'm putting a lot of work and detail into this particular painting. It basically represents a new form of people, divided, yet together. Unique in appearance though human. Some able to levitate which signify's their mental elevation. While others display telekinesis, so are unable to breath the available oxygen on earth so they wear oxygen masks. The geographic location is in Manhattan New York, USA. Tips of buildings protrude through the ground and there is one existing tree without leaves. Three wild horses roam about and in a distance you could see three planets and scattered stars.
I'm doing my best to avoid getting sick. There is a flu virus running around the prison. Though I received a flu shot last year I cant take any risk. So I'm drinking plenty of fluids taking a lot of vitamin C and avoiding contact by hand shaking. I came into the realization that prison is a health risk, physically and psychologically. I should write a poem about this. I'm tired right now, more of a mental tired. I've been thinking about a lot of things plus doing a bunch of reading to take my mind off certain thoughts.
I noticed a drastic change in the length of my hair, it now falls to the bottom of my spine. It's serious work caring and managing my hair. I have to grease my scalp at least once a week, twisting each lock to the root. Which leaves my arms and fingers sore from the process. Anyway, I'm just speaking what I've recently experienced. In prison you have all the time in the world to take care of yourself and maintain good hygiene Well at least I do. I'm allergic to dust so I've been sneezing lately due to construction in the facility.
I feel good right now I address myself and make all the necessary corrections. I feel I'm sincerely making an effort to become a better person. As long as I start with myself I'm on the right track. Peace!
12 April 2008
The prison food is disgusting, Albany must be blinded by the misleading menu that's posted. Its very expensive to live in prison. This became very clear to me and I'm affected by this. I spend a lot of money in order to eat healthy. I discussed this with an associate of mine the other day. I try not to dwell on things I cannot change. I feel as if I'm becoming more conscious of what I do and say in front of people. I found myself being too blunt. I try to develop good character and be polite but I find this to be difficult in this environment. The aggressive is respected while the intelligent is frowned upon, which is ridiculous! I stopped eating junk food, not all together but not like I used to. I've been on a protein and oatmeal diet, its been alright though. The weather has been nice for the past few days. I enjoyed the pre-summer heat, which was odd because my thing is the winter. Majority of the paintings I've been working on is near completion. I've e!
ven started a couple of new ones. I have like one blank canvas left so I'm going to save it for when I come up with a good concept for a painting.
12 May 2008
Today was alright, I was able to organize a lot of things. Also I found several important items I've been looking for. I wrote a song the other day and made the music to it on my keyboard. Everything sounds right. I feel real confident about this song because its powerful and moving. I've noticed that I've been more expressive, I guess it's because my spirits have been up.
I don't feel angry and depressed as before. I've been practicing a lot with channeling my energy on my talents plus thinking positive. Since I create a positive atmosphere, peace dwells and remains within my cipher. My attitude towards people have changed for the better and I appreciate what others have to offer.
I've learned that whatever I think in my mind tends to enter my environment because I will it to occur. So changing my thought patterns and expecting the best gives me something to look forward to even in the darkest days. Everyday is not good and I don't expect it to be that way but whatever I can do to make it better I devote time and energy to do so. My hair smells like mango right now. I rubbed mango scented oils in my locks after I washed it and greased my scalp. I'm happy about this because it smells pleasant everywhere I go.
12 June 2008
Time is precious. And one important factor about prison that many do not understand is the people you hold dear eventually leaves. Now some die which is natural while other's leave for whatever reason they deem just. I don't know which hurts more though I do acknowledge that prison wears people down. Those inside prison and out. I guess that's a part of life one must accept especially under these circumstances.
The sun has been relentless lately although I managed to get a nice tan. I noticed that every year my locks changing to a more brown hue. I guess it's from the exposure to the sun. I know I have to enjoy this weather while I can because it has been very unusual and inconsistent. One minute it's freezing then the next it feels as if I'm in Arizona.
I got up feeling real good today and I was fortunate enough to get a lot of work done. I work very well under pressure, I guess that's why I continuously allow work to pile up on me like that. But what's important is that I got it done so I'm proud of myself right now.
My work out schedule has improved. I now exercise five days out of the week. Two out of the five I run for an hour. I can feel a difference plus physically I'm more toned up. It's encouraging to the point where I'm now striving for a six pack. Which won't be too long since some definition is apparent.
I've been having a lot of unusual dreams. I awoke just when one dream began to get interesting. I rarely remember the insignificant dreams, though some of the bizarre and complex ones stay in the back of my mind. I often try to decipher the meanings of my dreams because I honestly believe that there are messages or some sort of supreme understanding hidden within the dream. I try to pay a lot of attention to things I feel other's take for granted.
Tomorrow is another day I will have to face and make the best of. I seriously long for the day when I could put memories of prison behind me.
12 August 2008
Sometimes I feel like giving up on my daily activities. It seems like I'm in a robotic state or maybe it's just the programming and institutionalization. Prison continually closes in on you, it's suffocating me.
Freedom is through the mind so I often travel. Sometimes to places I shouldn't be or should not be every day. I regret a lot of things I've did or said, though at the time I believed it to be harmless. I'm now discovering the effect I had on people. What's deep is that it's so many years later but to them it was yesterday.
I've been fasting from music. I go without listening to any music for five days mon-fri. Then on the weekends I would create music as well as listen to other artist. I challenge myself with the things I love. I've done this with candy and other junk-food to the point where I don't care too much for it. I guess it's all mental.
The moon was bright this evening, it looked like a large light bulb. In prison you don't really have nothing except for the material items you place value upon. So I become rich within myself. Rich in thought and ideas which ultimately provokes creativity beyond anticipation. I feel as if my secret weapon is my capabilities. Right now I'm using this realization to remain strong during this time of despair.
R T A
Rehabilitation Through Arts Program
The roll I'll play in RTA is a part baring my soul with control over my movements that's released, mastering my speech.
Rehabilitation through situations of conflict amongst convicts, theatre and arts, powerful performances, the audience hears me speak from the edges of their seats.
Words recited, guest invited to see you and me. Lights, camera, action is just a fraction of my attraction to the script, so I use this to discover a talent that was always there, and life isn't always fair, and the price we paid led us here, damn!
So we keep the stage filled and the playbill displays the cast. Some laugh, some cry and some observe with great anticipation so I'll try not to forget any lines.
12 September 2008
I've been practicing on challenging my depressive state by keeping busy. I understand that I do not have control over certain situations, so I accept them for what they really are, situations.
Though it has been difficult, I'm maintaining a leveled head. This whole prison experience is frustrating. People on the outside do not realize the overwhelming helplessness one endures. I try to express it in so many ways but it can be perceived as crying about the reality of my situation. At least that's how I assume people look at it.
The water is contaminated, periodically people get sick from it. This stays on my mind amongst many other things. Like the days on my calendar, I count them, I plan, I organize daily and I make notes to myself. Sometimes time goes by relatively fast then it drastically slows up.
I feel suspended in time. I try to get as much work done possible. Especially before my day ends, from writing poetry, music, painting, drawing to reading. It's all included in one day, besides many other activities.
There's one thing though, I'm happy about the way I view myself and I acknowledge the improvements I made over the years. The 20th of this month will make nine years, so much time wasted yet gained.