PRISONER EXPRESS

The year was 1999, which was a good year. The San Antonio Spurs brought home the championship. And it was the year I finished doing a 3 1/2-yr sentence on a 3-yr conviction: a conviction of my youth. No matter, this was a new beginning, a fresh start, and I had just turned 21 years old. It's sad with new beginnings; hardship and good things come, which is sort of like me: good and bad, cold and hot, sweet and sour. But through all my hardships I found something so special and this event would change my life forever. I had big things change my life, but those were always bad...this was something that was finally good! I remember it like it was yesterday...

I had to go pick up my young cousin from football practice so I waited at the local corner store. In doing so, I saw two cheerleaders coming my way. So when they pass my car, I yell at them, "Hey! Can you do me a favor? And buy me a soda?" At which they started giggling. And the girl who I was looking at told me, "I don't even know you!" So I start to laugh and say, "No, here's the money! Buy me a soda; I'm waiting for someone." So she took my money and asked me, "What kind of soda?" I told her, "Surprise me." Little did I know those words would make a big impact in both our lives. That's how I came to know her...Roxann, the biggest positive impact in my life. I talked to her about a lot of things and she told me about all the stuff she'd been through. I was straight up with her: I was fresh out of prison with no intentions of meeting someone or falling in love. And she would always tell me "we'll see about that." I don't know what it was about her, but she saw things in me that I didn't even see myself. Through thick and thin, my good and bad, she did something no one has done--she gave me a chance. Through my faults and my wrongdoings, she stood by my side with her head held up high. We loved each other. I loved her like I had never loved anyone else. This is every man's dream: to find that person who is trustworthy, down-to-earth, not afraid to love life, and is a very beautiful person, inside and out. Yeah, man, "I hit it big," like we like to say. She was the one for me. I can't explain; I just felt it in my heart and soul, all the way down to my feet. She was simply the one.

The year is now 2008 and me and Roxann lived life and she gave me a family, something I had but thought I had lost. My first son Ruben was a blessing and I saw him come into this world. And I'll admit I wasn't living right; I was a product of my environment. I did what I thought was right, making fast money and giving my family "the good life". Then she gets pregnant: a second blessing. Long story short, I get busted and end up in jail leading to a long sentence in prison for a repeat offender. She stayed with me, even when she would come to visit. I would tell (and yell) to her to stop coming to visit me, to go live her life without me! Those were always my last words to her and she would cry. It hurt me but I knew what time it was.

This past August 1, 2007 (the year of my loss and maybe the loss of love for other women) I'm in Ad-Seg so all we do is read anything we come across. I came to a newspaper story that read, "Body found on side of highway...Mexican female age 23-26, black hair...anybody knowing something please call..." So I was thinking, "That's sad," finished that day's paper, and moved to the next day's paper. I see the picture but I don't want to face it: it's my Roxann. You just can't imagine how I felt after having seen and read that. It's not the regular hurt; this hurt went all the way to my soul. "Woman identified, she was found raped and murdered."

Life is so mysterious and we don't know when it's our time to leave. I can't say I could have prevented it, but I should have been there for her like she was there for me when I needed her. I'm not ashamed to admit my losses and that day, I cried for the woman I will always love but lost. I lost things and emotions I will never in my life encounter again. I lost someone who had the power to change me when I couldn't do it myself. Even until this day in prison, she's changed me and she's been gone. That's how powerful love can be. To lose is very hurtful in many ways, but it makes us grow. I would never want someone to hurt like I do, to lose like I did. But I urge you to find someone to make the loss worth it, if that makes any sense. To those who read this, don't be the found and lost, even through all this. I've lost and found also. I found myself and still continue to grow. I still have my sons to live for. Through them I see their mother...so she will forever be in my life. I lost many things, my selfishness for one, and now it's not always about me. It's time for someone else. So it's about the strongest, highly intelligent people in my life: my sons. In writing this, my words are dedicated to my friend, wife, and mother of my kids: Roxann Cobos (5-28-81 to 8-1-07). Rest in peace forever.