The journal of William McIntosh
March 3 2009
This is terrible. I keep forgetting to write this journal entry or I find myself too tired, busy, or feeling sorry for myself. The last is something I should be stop doing. Some days though the enormity of being in prison for a crime I didn't commit weighs heavily on my soul. I've put i with an innocence project here but I've not heard anything from them. But, some guys have been turned down by them pretty quick. So at least I know I've not been turned down. I know I must have patience but it's been fifteen years of patience and I've missed a lot of life by being here. I accept where I'm at but I don't like that I had to of course there is no way to turn back the clock and undo the whole thing. I cannot understand how a person can hate someone so much they could ruin a life like has been done to me. All I wanted to do was see and visit with my daughter.
Enough of that now. I've become more adjusted to working third shift. I don't like it but I'm doing o.k. with it.
Really not much I want to write about right now.
April 1 2009
It's been a while. I was going to write last week but I fell asleep instead. I've not got a better schedule worked out. Work all night, come in, go to sleep, get up, and then exercise. I tried to exercise in the morning but found I simply couldn't get enough sleep. Which threw everything out of sync and now I'm behind on too many things. Most important though, my writing has suffered. Have a hard time getting to it because I'm always tired. Hopefully that will change soon.
I've been told my daughter might come to see me in August. That will be great. I very much look forward to that. She said she wants to bring her kids down and show them off to me.
Well I've got not much to say so I'll stop here.
04/26/09
It's been a rough couple of weeks. I work third shift where everybody else works days so when I go see the Doctor I lose sleep. So I've spent most of my free time trying to get some much needed sleep. I'm trying to get that changed but so far no luck.
In two days I celebrate my forty-second birthday. I missed my thirties because of this place and it looks like I might miss most of my forties. I find myself worried about what I'm to do when I retire. I don't have any kind of retirement plan to look forward to so that kind of sucks.
Also, I can't seem to get over and forgive my ex-wife. Why? She's the reason why I'm in this place. She accused me of messing with my daughter. Which was really odd because she (the ex) wouldn't even let me get my visitation until I filed court papers demanding my right then all of a sudden the anger from that threatens to boil over and drive me crazy but I do my best to contain it. It's nothing for me to sit here and think about getting crazy violent and just start beating on the walls but I know that won't solve my problems. So I just keep rolling with it. But lately I've found myself wishing my ex would die. That wouldn't help me any but I just find I want revenge. Terrible, isn't it? Somehow I need to find it within myself to let it go and forgive her but how do I do that when I've lost fifteen years plus of my life, a wonderful woman, and the prospect of a decent future all flushed down the toilet by a hateful woman. Well that gives me something to work on.
05/06/09
I've been terrible with this journal. I should be writing more often but I keep finding an excuse to put it off. It would seem that all of my free time is taken up with something. I'll have to reclaim my time and try to get a better schedule. The one thing that has been neglected the most is my writing. I've all but stopped. I really need to get myself in gear and write more stories and try to get them published.
I've also gotten stumped with the CRESP group Human Anatomy Course. Let me tell you that sucker is harder than I thought it would be but also interesting. Whoever reads this probably thinks I lead an overly boring existence but really in my point of view boring is best. Because when it gets too exciting bad things tend to happen. That is never good in here.
Well really not a lot going on here, will write again soon.
05/26/09
It's been a long time, too long really, since I wrote to Journal Project. But then I've been out of it lately. Stuck in a job I can't stand. Can't quit so I have to tough it out until I can get a job change. Anyway, I got a visit recently from my mother. It went well. We talked about my oldest daughter coming to visit in August. She's going to bring her two kids and husband. Also much to my chagrin she is bringing her mother. Last time I had a visit we had a whirlwind affair through the mail. I don't have a problem with that but she is married. I am too but that's only because I haven't felt a need to file for divorce. Anyway, I don't want her to come but I won't stop her. So I'll see what happens with that.
Well, working third shift has caused my writing to suffer. Seems I'm always tired. Gonna work on that as well; gotta stop being lazy.
Lately I've been having some personal problems with stress and anger. So now I'm going to go to psych to talk to them about this issue; hopefully they will help me out. Of course the stress is related to my job having to work around an officer that I've clashed with so bad that I had my mother contact the head warden to get that whole situation under control.
Well, summer will be here all too soon as well as that terrible Texas heat.
06/23/09
Whoa, I've completely forgotten all about the Journal Project. Just been too busy. Typed up my latest story, also wrote a paper dealing with the covenant God made with Moses way back when about cleanliness. Won a hundred bucks on that. Now what I need, I need seven hundred dollars to pay for a class I want to take. But then there really isn't a lot going on here. It's hot!
I've been trying to get my daughter's situation on my visitation list straightened out. She and her husband plan to come visit in August so I hope that will be good when they get here.
I have found that this ongoing incarceration for something which I didn't do is becoming too much for me to handle. I follow the rules, try hard, even have family support but I feel as if I'm losing my mind. Hopefully when I see parole next year they will finally set me free.
The first is coming up, and the first week of July is never a good one for me. It's the 19th anniversary of when my daughter died. To be so helpless while my little girl lay there dying was an absolutely terrible thing. Thinking back to it still gives me pain.
Well not much else to write about so hopefully I'll remember to write again next week.