PRISONER EXPRESS

Such notions were quickly destroyed once I felt the real punishment of incarceration. People think we dread coming to prison because of the violence, but it’s the loneliness that kills you inside.

I can recall laying on the floor in Ad. Seg., back in the 90s. I was crying for no reason, other than that I felt so utterly alone. It was a physical feeling of despair, like I was being crushed. Now, I do my best to keep my mind occupied, so that I won’t think about it. Because it’s always there, just waiting to crush me.

In here, we refer to the outside world as “The Free World” or simply, “The World.” That’s because we might as well be on another planet compared to the daily routine of those in the outside world. Each prison is a separate reality, with the Warden as their God.

I’m a first time offender, but from the County Jail to prison, there’s only been two constants in my life. Whenever it’s quiet, you can always hear the electronic blaze of the lights. And a feeling of absolute desolation never leaves you.

I’ve done two stretches of time in Administrative Segregation, at three years each. In both instances, the first year of isolation is sweet. You get a chance to relax from the stress of prison life, and you can get your mind straight. But too much of a good thing turns sour after too long. Humans are social creatures. We need to interact to stay healthy. Some guys don’t just visit Ad. Seg. for disciplinary reasons, they live there. And those guys go crazy. Not movie crazy, but when you talk to them you can tell they’re throwed-off.

I’ve got 18 more years to do before I’m eligible for parole. I do my best to stay sane. I don’t like being around these guys on a daily basis. Sometimes, when I get stressed out and fed up with the B.S. prison drama I feel like exploding, so they’ll put me back in Seg. But I know it’s better for me out here in general population, so I try not to sweat the small stuff.

Since I’ve been in prison, I’ve never had a contact visit from my family. The only human contact I’ve had is of a violent nature. If I ever do get to hug a family member, I know it’ll be awkward for me.

As for prisons being isolated from society, I think it’s for the best. There are some good people in prison, no doubt. No justice system is ever perfect. But I sleep better at night, knowing my family and loved ones are safe from the people in prison. Prisoners are the dregs of society. Most of them are sick in the head or they’re predators. You don’t want people like that down he street from your home or school with only some fences and razor wire protecting you.