PRISONER EXPRESS

What a versatile phrase. It can mean many things to many people. One of my first experiences with the "on the edge" terminology was my mother telling me to stop being a noisy (normal) kid because her nerves were on edge. That was like telling the wind to stop blowing, but it is more likely the diet pills the doctors prescribed so freely in the 60's were doing more to her nerves than I was. It was an era when my mom worked the swing shift in a bag mill. At home she never slept, every sheet was starched and ironed as well as my dad's boxers. Mom finally snapped that those little pills were putting her on edge and decided to be fat.

A preacher, Brother Busby, used to say " A man and a knife both needed a temper to be worth anything." He held a fine edge for a preacher. There was a time my ears were in jeopardy when he pulled his knife and assured me he'd cut them off if he heard of my slipping in to fish in a church neighbor's pond. I was welcome to fish in the church ponds though and I fully believe he would have clipped my ears if I'd disobeyed him.

In prison we all walk the razor's edge between submissive obedience and violent revolt. That's a hard path to maintain and in my thirteen years of prison I've slipped off either side of it. You just get tired of the struggle and want to be left alone to do your time and find you are willing to obey if they will just leave you be. Then something, or more likely somebody, pushes you back over the edge. There you are, battling the system, wishing only to be left alone. For the last couple of years my life has been fairly balanced, yet I recognize it can shift in an instant. Being in ad-segregation helps. It gives me time to think about the consequences of my actions before I leap off the edge into that bleak existence again. My locked door saves me from my folly and I'm glad it's there. The one thing that sets my teeth on edge, it's something you fellows could help an old convict with, is the apathy of prisoners. Maybe this cell has made me crazy. It's possible, but I think I'd notice. Little things have begun to irk me to no end. Why are prisoners so selfish and always trying to profit off their fellow prisoners. We are in this boat together whether we like it or not. The best example is the lack of response to the last three essay themes. Where did everybody go? Surely you didn't make parole. If you did let me know so I can pack up and get ready to join you. Since I don't expect to make parole, and the number of members in Prisoner Express continues to grow, it must be a mixture of laziness, apathy, and lack of participation. Why put forth the effort to write when you get the goodies for free? You'd think prisoners would need no incentive to support a program that has only one goal: to support prisoners.

Hope none of you are overly offended, but all of us need to respect what Prisoner Express stands for. You do all realize that they stand for us? We can't depend on others to do the work while we suck up the dividends with no effort. To do so is to embrace the user mentality that is so prevalent in prison. We are all so lucky to have Prisoner Express, it gives us a venue to voice our opinions and a chance to show we do not all fit the stereotypical image of a criminal. We are not just allowed to speak to other prisoners, but also to people outside these walls. How rare it is to have anyone interested in our point of view. Don't you want to tell society what you feel, show them your pain and make them see you re human? What each of us has to say matters. We may not agree, but we can learn to respect each other's opinions. In the process we might even learn to respect ourselves. It is rare that I don't find something to relate to in each article, though I must admit I didn't appreciate an ad to the lonely females taking the place of an essay on Letters. Wonder if he realized that would be only going to male prisoners? I seriously hope that we won't allow this program to falter because we resort to that form of self-serving participation.

A dear friend, in another program, answered my cynical question about the catch very simply. She told me "The catch is that you will only get out of this what you put into it." Those words became a lifeline at a time when I had fallen off the edge and lost my humanity in the abyss. Today I am a different person because I applied myself to that program. You don't have to cover your wolf's shape in sheep's clothing to find acceptance. All you have to do is tame that wolf. He'll never be a lap dog but he's a very social creature. It's not easy, but well worth the effort.

Let me also thank each of you who are applying yourselves for your writing, especially one old wolf who is the most honest of us all, and ask you to make a commitment to supporting Prisoner Express with your participation. It's up to us to make Prisoner Express a success and if it fails we'll only have ourselves to blame. The thought of losing this resource is pretty much the only thing that puts me on edge these days and I'd sure appreciate your assistance in keeping it going. It's up to us and no individual can sustain it alone. It'll take all of us working together. We might even learn to depend on each other.