PRISONER EXPRESS

In the All-American Penal Institution, it becomes the norm to escape via suicide although the state of Texas prosecutes suicides and stacks twenty years to the end of your sentence. Trust me, I had cellies that committed suicide, the state didn't cut them any slack. Coincidentally, these were the best cellies I ever had after I got used to the stink which was only slightly worse than some who were still alive. In my years, learning to overcome depression has become more than a normal life or death struggle. It is a conscious decision to rebel against 'the system.' Thus, for me, overcoming depression is a very physical confrontation with the mind becoming the 'treasure hidden in the mountain.'

Being pro-suicide, meaning I personally understand and approve of a person's right to commit suicide. I comprehend in depth hopelessness or sick of the never-ending cycle of being tired of being tired. And the simple fact that suicide has its own proper place and time, like love, sex, war, taxes and a myriad of social restraints. That being said, I have come to be somewhat of a juggler when it comes to motivational ideas that will keep me hanging until the proper place and time is available.

The juggling strategy works great in keeping false hope alive and keeping me persevering in a futile attempt to live. The things I juggle are those things I can control to some degree. This is a concept I acquired from Victor Frankle, who claimed "man only needs to find a purpose in order to survive" (my paraphrase). Some people grasp at religion and social relationships in prison. While such things are fine for more demanding situations the end result is personal weakness; dependencies on other circumstances to survive. What I have found that I control is my emotions, aspirations, dreams, ambitions and activities that are in line with such.

Juggling the future is simple. Get your heart right. Love is a control mechanism used by others to use you. Successful people do not love others, they use others. The whole of America is built upon the capitalistic discipline, relationships of any type are in direct proportion to the value of one person. So develop discipline, even men believe in fairy tales for a while, but a fairy is just that, tales!

Next, aspire to be something great. Aspire to be a great person (not a better person). Aspire to be the very best of whatever you chose to be, be it a poet, essayist, short prose, novelist or even a painter. I am a writer, first and foremost. I have been published and even won multiple awards. These were not to inflate my own ego, but rather 'markers' of progress. I write now for the potential of tomorrow. Notice, I am not banking on any success. My sole purpose is to keep postponing the factual basis of depression, a life of futility. I choose to work on any number of projects on a daily basis from essays to novels to screenplays. Every month I complete a project or two without reward. Juggling these projects to help purge depressive, hateful and anti-social thoughts while recreating the illusion of hope. At any given time, I can sit down and purge myself creatively through the world of words.

In the end I have a dream, a place to be and a potential life to live. Although the reality is just the opposite, few ex-felons have the chance to succeed, much less the gumption. Ex-felons are for the most part, just like society, happy with the ill effects of our own creation. But I digress, that is the common mind set of society and criminals. It's only effect on me is this: I will succeed eventually. Sooner or later my writing talent will prevail! It is not a question as to if but when. Then, all the juggling I've done with emotions and writing will be of some value to someone, not necessarily me.

The "arts" are a means to effectively deal with depression. In self-expression, one is purged of social illness such as rejection or even condemnation. The arts also provide the medium to rid one's self of behavior-ills acquired in life from the environment and the people of the artist, writer or poet's past. If you want to overcome depression, expose thyself in the arts. Then, one day, perhaps when its too late, society will have remorse for losing another O. Henry or Hemingway.