The journal of JR Sollars

March 24 2009

Worked yesterday, I was totally dragged out since I only got 2 hours of sleep.  I did get 10 pages typed before calling it a day.  We didn't work today.  I got a good nap after coming back even though I was bloated from the food in the chow hall.

Had an excellent dream this morning.  I dreamed I was looking up at the stars where suddenly a cluster of stars suddenly began glowing as a group.  I heard a voice that I can only believe was words from God.  He said "those will be your planets, your stars, to do as you wish where your time has come."  That was a very interesting proposal, yet, I do not desire a reward for doing the things that I so desire to do, to help people struck by tragedy, those who have lost their homes has its own rewards that are not material.  As well, to send in crews to work with local churches to repair the homes of the poor who can't fix them or afford to hire someone to make repairs.  There there is the single mothers with dependent children.  There is no greater than to help people get reestablished in life after losing their life to natural disaster or bad mistakes.  To many people enjoy kicking those who are down especially those who have made mistakes in life.  We judge ignorantly, quick to condemn, point fingers, ridicule and destroy.  This is wrong.  To help, to accept, to encourage others where they are at their worst is a divine act of unconditional love.

I never expect society to forgive me or accept me.  I am an alien to my own loved ones as well as to this people.  But I am to be a alien of a greater race of being.  It is easy to be a mere human.  I aspire to become an alien of greater spiritual assets.  So I will aspire to help the working man-woman who have lost all by fire or storm.  I will aspire to provide for the single mother the means to rise above the plight of mischief or deceitful men so that they may become all that God wants them to be.  I will aspire to be a friend, husband (without physical relations), a father (without physical contact).

March 28 2009

I've been somewhat busy this week.  Still trying to get "Sugar Shack" retyped.  I hit page 91 last night woo-hoo!  I'm on a roll, only 20 or 30 pages left.  I plan on jumping on it here directly and seeing if I can get a good bite out of it.  If I must say, this is by far one of the best and most fun screenplays I've written.  It was meant to be a comedy of the highest degree and I'm proud to say it is a good wholesome down home comedy complete with slap stick comedy and keystone cop adventures.

Thursday night I got a double blessing at mail call.  I got a confirmation on winning a mentorship award along with $25 in the PEN American Center's Annual Writing Contest.  The screenplay for an Episode of "King's Highway" is what I submitted.  So now, I must sit down and write the 2 hour premier which is already written in my head I just have to put it on paper.  Fortunately, "King's Highway" is a spin-off of "Four Aces" so in order to write the one, I have to basically write both of them.  But "Four Aces" is all action, a Smokey and the Bandit type of story with a bunch of smokeys and a bunch of bandits.

I can successfully say, I have acquired the level of existence I had acquired prior to my making the mistake with Donna.  I have won a couple of contests, I am being productive with my time, I have a very good potential of an Agent in New York on a screenplay, I have a Mentorship Award with another screenplay, the screenplay from my last Mentorship Award which coincidently was in 1999 has finally been retyped and looks extremely good.

p>The hardest part of being a writer for me has always been the little bio.  PEN American requires a bio to put with the electronic publication of King's Highway.  So I have tried and for the record, I am going to include it here not to boast, but just to have it for future reference or comparison, "Jackey R. Sollars; June 6 1962 in Norman OK.  Began writing in the Andrews Middle School's Creative Writing Program in Andrews, TX.  Credits, a dozen award winning short stories, essays, poems, and screenplays.  Aspires to publish five novels and to see the seven screenplays developed and produced.  Honors Garnered, English Honor Society, Associates in Academic Studies, graduated with honors from Lamar State College of Berumont TX.  Writing Awards from Lamar's Expression's Magazine, Shot Caller Presser of Portland OR.  And two Mentorship Awards from PEN American Center for Drama.  Not bad for a high school dropout.  Also an active contributor to Prison Express of Cornell University."

As many people credit for my education and encouragement as possible.  It's really crazy to think anyone will ever read it.  When I ponder the lost potential I sacrificed by quitting school, I wonder exactly where I would be today.  It makes a world of difference to be encouraged to do better.  It's ironic, that the people I most wanted to receive recognition from were the very people who could care less if I ever succeeded at anything.  My folks had already planned my life as being of low stature and existence.  When I consider how many years I tried to do something that would actually catch their attention.  What a freaking waste.  What's really sad is, I had to come to prison to learn what a man really is, what a father really is, what a husband really is, what a friend really is.  Being a lover has never been an issue or maybe it is sex that has never been an issue.  There is a difference between love and sex, I know that now although for most of my life, they were one and the same.

March 29 2009

Well this has certainly been a very busy and productive day.  Hoo-rah!  I finished typing Sugar Shack, finally.  I got my best days typing yet 20 pages.  Actually 22 pages because I had to retype two pages.  All I can say, the Lord has blessed me with a heck a movie idea and script.  Today I rejoice and plan to rest a day or two although I have mentally started mapping out "King's Highway."

Skipped my Kiaros.  Kiaros is a good religious function, unfortunately TDCT abuses by using it as a control tool.  Overall, this has been a wild week.  We had riots for two days which was kind of interesting.  Didn't work enough last week to really speak of.

But I got a lot of reuclation on things.  As much as I pray for reunification with Suzy.  I leave it to the Lord.  It is not my will but His will and if reunification is not His will, well, I won't lie, I won't like it.  The alternative of reunification is loneliness.  Lord knows I'm already suffering from that.  Any man who talks to photos of models in seductive poses and attire has got to be either insane or crazily lonely, of course, I feel I suffer from both.

Got word on the grapevine that the agent in New York has sent word for me.  I haven't caught up to cart yet.  And he is the one in almost direct contact since it is his uncle.  Hopefully it will be a good deal or at least a serious contract for representation.

Well, I need to close.  Right now I'm listening to a country station that is playing some good ole country.  Real boot skootin' lady spinning, hip bumping country.  I can almost recall the days that I used to go honky tonkin' just to dance.  Oh sure, finding a girl was motivation, but really, it was the dancing I went for.  Again, there is just something about seeing a well dressed woman with a great attitude dancing across the floor.  That's the beauty of music, like Paul Anka sings "The times of your life."  Well, I need to close.  I'm wired up and it's 11:00 PM.  I still need to write Marsha, Gary, and finish the letter to Beth.  Bummer, I still have to work tomorrow.  Hope it's foggy in the morning.

07 April 2009

Yesterday was a real high tension day. The prison has a new task force for shaking down for cell phones, tobacco and dope and they came in yesterday in the first of what will become the endless series of hits. Anyway, they struck S pod but had the rest of us on lockdown until evening chow. They moved Trey to 4 bldg; that's a bummer since that is my road dawg so to speak. I tracked down and discovered who the snitch was and had a talk with him. He caught out this afternoon after filing a life endangerment report. Can't imagine why?

Today has been good. The task force hit 8 bldg L pod. It's just part of a game where no one wins or loses. Reworking "King's Highway." Had to go find someone with information on New York and was blessed to find someone with a map. So, that helps in the script. Was delighted to find out that Queens has a special road. "King's Hwy" so I feel that is a sign about the screenplay's future. Now I'm tired. I went to Kiaros tonight, but Chaplaire Bell in his religiously accurate reputation of the Christian community didn't bother sending out lay-ins. Imagine that! But there, anything that is proactive toward rehabilitation is shunned by all the prison personnel and Chaplaire Bell simply exhalts TDCJ anti-rehabilitative agenda. Not to worry, I am a man; I will not be defeated or destroyed by the negative forces of this world. I'm am blessed in so many ways that listing them would take a redwood of paper. I see light.

08 April 2009

It has been a very busy day. I actually enjoyed being out in the field absorbing the crisp fresh air sucking up the sun light and just smelling the perfume of the clover. I think we push grass down on about 35 of the 44 acres we have to mow. Only had one lawn mower went down and that was just a minor mishap, spring on the throttle slipped.

The days all go routine usually with only minor variance, usually due from changes in staff or unit chaos which is becoming more and more normal. I woke at 2:00 am, went and got clothes at 3:30 am, went to chow at 4:00 am came back and worked on my music log for 45 minutes, turned out for work at 5:00 am then stood around until 7:00 am for the bosses to figure out what they were doing. We started cutting at about 7:45 and cut around the entire unit, finishing about 10:00 am. We hung out in the shed for an hour then went to chow at 11 to 11:15 and I was at the house taking a shower by noon. Laid down and took a nap from noon until 3:00 pm then got up and BS'ed until after chow at 6:00 pm. Pulled out the typewriter and typed up the first two pages of "King's Highway" which turned out really good. It's 9:19 now and I'm fixing to call it a day. No mail today but that's okay.

The Lord and the Father were good to me today, it was an easy come and easy go day. But, thank God, that was how I used to live before someone told me I needed to grow up and be a man, oh wait, that was society that said I had to give it up.

Made friends with the stray cat that appeared during the last hurricane. I named him/her, I guess, Bootsie since it has two white front paws. Never thought I'd really like a cat; I'm a mutt type of guy. But a little kitty is pretty good.

12 April 2009

It's early 8:28 and I've already been up over an hour. I got a pair of new underwear last week that hadn't been washed good, the formaldahyde gave me a chemical burn to about of the crown of my penis. I'm doctoring it with shampoo, hair conditioner and motor oil. It's healing pretty good although the shower knocked the scab off and caused some bleeding last night. Most folks would never dream of this problem, but it is common in prison. It's not just the chemical in the underwear that can severely burn penis, testicles, butt cheeks or just the skin itself. If you just got sheets that haven't been washed good you'll end up with some bed sores from hell. The socks will bleach the hair off and leave you scratching until you either get all the chemical or get down to the meat where the blood oozes out. I just got lucky this time, and after a few days, the wound will heal.

I got a lay in for the wall talk program. I really don't want to attend. It's just a program to teach inmates how to have safe-sex with each other. He-llo! Did I miss something here? Everyone here is supposed to be a man. Ah yes, that's it. I'm a weirdo. I'm the one holding out to have sex with a woman. That's weird? Go figure, only in America. Oh well, I've never entertained the thought of having a homosexual affair, and I just don't understand, I've been down for almost 19 years. But then, I still have a good imagination, and memory sometimes. And Mary and her sisters are truer than true when the urge begins to drive me nuts.

14 April 2009

Another week has escaped me. Sometimes, time itself seems to be nonexistent. Anyway, no more than I wrote last week. It'll save me a stamp to mail two weeks at one time. Stamps are getting hard to come by. At least until that next 25.00 hits from PEN. That's when it'll really start getting tight. Started rewriting King's Highway again yesterday. I'm just not satisfied with the character development. It's one thing to develop the over-all character. But people do not get to see the over-all character in a movie like a director producer or actor, so I can best sum it up as "It's in the details of commonality." Fact is, I have two different main characters that are out-going noticeably demanding alpha males with almost totally opposite points of view, philosophy and cultural experience. So - it's a rewrite for the character's sake.

16 April 2009

Pert near a whole week has once again flown by and to where? I have no idea. Time is more than a thief, for it doesn't just steal our youth; it takes our days, one at a time, taking without our thought of loss until it is just to damn late to get it back. Been sleeping a lot the last couple of days, but its not depression, its exhaustion, between the sunlight and inadequate food the body comes up short on energy. Hopefully I'll get wound up this weekend and write King's Highway in its entirety. I have to get this one near perfect as I can, not in hopes of marketing it on the cool but to really apply what little knowledge I do have. If I can get it as close to polished as it can get without books and education, then when I do have the opportunity to attend classes and buy real books and screenplays, then I'll only become a real professional.

Today's the last day of Wall Talk, thank God. I'm so tired of being forced to attend lectures for irresponsible individuals and drugs and sexually related illness are a result of irresponsibility. There are deviances of the mind, but I do believe most are correctable. Man becomes a product of his environment; What we fail to realize is, today's so called deviant actions are nothing but actions that were accepted behavior only a few decades ago. And, the day we as fallible creatures believe ourselves advanced beings or a society need to remember, we are a nation in the declining years of a positive era. When commonality collapses, chaos explodes, the argument for human rights will once again return to the natural laws of selection, only the strong will survive. Nothing, no amount of civility, can win the wars of natural evolution. People will fight, people will die. Opportunistic beings will rise and most will be mowed down by the natural elimination of war. End the end, the strong will rise to lead, the weak will beg them to lead and every evil of today will be common and simply accepted as a way of life. Americans fail to see the true nature of humanity for the decades we've been insulated, but a great evil is about to come upon this land, and what we call horrors of war and barbaricism will become commonplace. Hitler was only a menace and monster to other nations. To the Germanic people, he was simply a powerful leader who knew one fact "War in any form, is hell." Armies do not defeat armies. Armies defeat people. The Yanks understood this when Sherman and his so-called army moved through the South raping, robbing, killing and burning the civilian world. Sherman was nothing more than a Union Hitler. And the Union Army was nothing but the hand of evil men under the orders of Lincoln. Well, we have another Lincoln in the White House; Obama will prove ten times worse though.

19 April 2009

Time keeps on slippin'. And so life continues on. It rained all day yesterday, we got about 12 inches judging by the looks of it al. Yesterday was a crazy day. There was one suicide on 3 building and one murder on 4 building. Then the real storm hit about 5:30 pm. I have been working feverishly to get King's Highway written but I'm really sore-ticked at myself because it isn't as good as I want it to be. I like to excuse myself as saying it's the first draft and I've just started working it all out. I personally believe it would be better if I wrote up Four Aces. But that is just not feasible since I've no trucking magazines or atlas. No info on truck stops and other key aspects of the trucking industry. It's a shame because I'd really get a kick out of writing it up. The more I ponder it, the more I'm apt to go ahead and write out Four Aces and just keep writing until I'm through with King's Highway. I hate to half ass any project, because it shows a lack of professionalism.

Not much really going on other than the screenplay work. I never heard back from PEN America or Tin Soldiers which makes me wonder if they even got it to begin with. But, I'm not mad. Perhaps my hitting on the drama is just divine guidance of where I need to focus my attention on. Still haven't heard from the agent in Manhattan, that could be good too.

I'm not sure exactly how I feel emotionally or spiritually. In many ways, I seem totally confident that most everything is going to work out for the best. Most of my doubtfulness is nothing but anxiety from being impatient. Faith is not one of my greater virtues, but I pray for His help in learning to be faithful. There are no coincidences in life, all things happen for a reason. The people you meet, you meet for a reason. The events too, have a significant reason or purpose. There is a way that is right, it's just never the direction we choose.

20 April 2009

It's early, can't sleep, so it's a good time to talk to self. Of course, self isn't by himself, there is Jerri. I swapped her out with Jenny last week, wouldn't want either one getting jealous :). Anyway, I 'spect it is going to be an interesting week. I expect the lockdown for a shakedown just anytime.

Back from chow, a whole 3 pancakes and a tablespoon of syrup. Ya-hoo! I'm so glad I don't have to worry about my figure in this place. Although it is confusing, because the women inmates you see in the Echo newspaper are mostly large. Hmm such a conundrum.

Checking out the slivery moon, I wonder how many people realize that the moon is always full, the difference is our perspective through location. We tend to perceive that the world and the universe is forever changing. The fact is, it isn't. I recall last week on the news, they showed fantastic photos of astronomical phenomenons: the Eye of God and the Hand of God. Now something I have longed since understood about space: space is a vacuum with no real atmospheric conditions other than subatomic deterioration whose force causes some degree of energy. So- with that in mind, the question arises, if space is a vacuum, then what energetic force can cause the strange formations such as FINGERS? I can almost buy the phenomenon of the "Eye of God," but somebody needs to really get creative on the Hand of God. AND considering that Hand appears to be throwing a universe of meteors and planets? Well, do the words "the End" or "Omega" mean anything?

27 April 2009

I have no idea what happened last week. It seems as if I just woke up and the week was gone. Funny! I still retain much of the thoughts from last week. The main thought being the issue of 'complete insignificance.' Such a big word to mean uselessness, shiftless unaccounted, unnoticed, unknown, unmissed, not important, of minute purpose. Hmm, guess it means more than I thought it did. Yet, I have to concur that being insignificant now is way better than what I would be had I not came to prison. When I view the downward spiral in life, it was hardly noticeable. I had more purpose and use when I was a teenager on the farm than I did the day I joined the military. And so the whirlpool of life began with that first massive unnoticeable orbit. Some call it bad choices, but I am beginning to wonder if it isn't more like massive social depressions. It only stands to reason that the social fabric would be a resemblance to the established laws and forces, which is energy against energy. All life is a continual struggle between opposing energy. This is a cosmic truth as much as a social truth. The planets do not orbit voluntarily; it is opposing energy just as a planet doesn't spin as a result of past forces. Planets spin, I believe, because of the universal magnetic law of attraction and repelling. Earth spins, not as a result of past forces, but because of the law of magnetism, the earth having turned to receive electrons from solar particles only to be overloaded and repelled. This is an inquiry worth pondering. Perhaps it would explain our planets' inner composition and heat as well as plate tectonic movement. I can see it makes much more sense as I see how it could easily be the effect of energy in process.

06 May 2009

Well, my journal writing has really suffered a lot here lately. For some reason, I just can't get ahold of time. It's been well over a week since my last entry. Most of my time has been either trying to catch up on rest or getting King's Highway script written. I'm up to page 50 on it so I'm in good shape now. As for the rest? That is dietary. The kitchen captain is fixing some seriously bloating starch meals, no nutrition value, just trash caloric intake. I noticed my energy loss as soon as I spent thelast of the price money from Shot Caller Press. So- buying food out of the comissary is gong ot be a must just to maintain health.

Billie had the flu the last two weeks, another reason I've been avoiding sitting at the bunk. The last time Billie was my neighbor, he did the same crap and let the flu mutate to some serious crap. That was one of the worst flu viruses I ever had to suffer and I actually had the same flu a week before Billie when it was fairly mild. I really hate to say, some inmates need to be in an institution, not necessarily a prison but definitely some kind of day care institution for the irresponsible.

So back to my previous entry with a brief comment on the physics observation. I'm probably a nit wit to even hint of this idea, but a posi-negative magnetic law, much, which science agrees, is taken for granted. Yet, there is a question in regard to the elastic theory where the universe is expanding and will one day retract. I don't buy that. But perhaps, if we can pinpoint the actual center of the universe, it is there that we will find the point where energy becomes matter. The real question is: in a universe with no direction, what is up or down, north, south, east or west? Universally speaking, we really are naive in our assumptions that we do have a sense of direction in the greater scheme of things. So what do we truly know of all things. Our every theory is based upon the theory of relativity. This is not to rehash Einstein's theory. I'm not sure Einstein believed the theory of relativity was an actual effect on social and economic systems. But, in true theory, we relate the physical effects of the universe on earthly physics. How should we view the earth from universal physics?

*At the point of creation, the center of the universe so to speak, energy is converted back to matter. All matter consists of energy. Matter, from its very creation is in a natural state of decomposition. This decomposition is released negatively or positively charged increments perhaps even a type of energy wave which radiates out in all directions, this keeps the planets of the universe in a consistent state of energetic reaction. Much of these energy waves return back to the point of creation where the positive waves and negative waves of billions of planets coalesce, there in a violent flash of atomic combustion to create another planet relative to the amount of energy influx. This atomic combustion forges and casts outward, astral forms as we see them.

Well, enough of all this. Personal contemplation of such things can sometimes emphasize one's level of insanity.

All packed up. We've been on lockdown since Monday. I'm glad. Hopefully all will go well tomorrow and by Friday I will be back into full production of King's Highway. It was really difficult kicking King's Highway off from a movie that hasn't been made, meaning Four Aces. I do believe Four Aces could easily be a top show like Smokes and the Bandit. People love fast paced trucking movies. Well, till later, guess I'll sit back and work on a pitch session for King's Highway. I also want to get back into my meditation. It seems as if, when I was meditating, I had a better grip on time. I seemed to be much more productive.

Mailed off the visitation change to put Stephanie's updated address and work on it. I was really hoping Suzy and Stephen would've kicked in. But I am really just contemplating the hope of answered prayers. Oh well, one thing about hope and faith, it will always get you by another day.

09 May 2009

A lot has transpired this week. The visitation form was returned because the mail room which is across the hall to Inmate Records couldn't deliver it because I didn't write a note asking that the form, duly noted as Inmate Records be delivered to, guess who, Inmate Records. This was this past Wednesday. I didn't do much but try and get some rest for Thursday because that was the day we would get shook down. I didn't do any writing although I worked on a pitch sheet for King's Highway the movie. Got totally wired on hot tea, I know better than to drink hot tea, it's like sex, keeps me wired for hours. Thursday came, and the shakedown. It wasn't a good shakedown either. They confiscated my Stinger radio headphones, typing paper, graph paper and music sheets. It is all mine legally, but guards seldom care about legality, their entire motive is to try to strip an inmate of all things until he has absolutely nothing, just an empty locker. Off. Lord even scoffed about my Prisoner Express activities, that's when she decided to confiscate all of my writing paper. Anyway, after the shakedown, the hot tea I drank the day before finally wore off and I was actually able to take a nap. When I woke up, I just sort of piddled around a little while. I couldn't get in the mood to do anything especially without my radio so I pretty much did nothing. I at least did make it through this shakedown with this typewriter so I can't be totally mad. But, I'm totally broke, the last of my price money is spent; I will have to hustle a stamp just to mail these entries in So I need to bust button the typewriter and see if I can find some contest to enter and/or just get something sold. I keep hoping these producers in Manhattan will write and make a fair offer on Bad Dogs Incorporated. I believe, that if I establish enough income to set me up a little house, a vehicle and my own job, I stand a good chance on making parole this year. And, as much as I want to discharge this sentence, I really wouldn't argue about parole if I had things set up. Friday I worked. The sun came out, they made us wait until they concluded a memorial service for guards who have died (not in the line of duty, just died).

Now today, I finally woke up and got out of bed at 9:30. Figured I'd write some in the journal and then get started back on King's Highway. I'm plagued by an inner desire to write the one novel that would not only devastate society, but would put the fear of God into everyone who lives in the United States. As much as I want to lash out at society for their ignorance and abuses toward me, a stranger, I still refrain because I know in this country of 3 hundred million, there are a very few who are worth tolerating the whole.

I am angry at society. I'm angry because ultimately, society is the one who has took my radio, headphones, Stinger and paper products, fed me peanut butter sandwiches diluted with cooking oil, condemned me continually even though I have already paid my debt. And I could choose to act like society with plans and schemes of revenge. But I collect my resolve and understand the law of karma. If you allow wrongs then you are as guilty as the individual doing the wrongs. Society may escape the wrath of the personal individuals, but the law of karma will levy a hell of debt that exact manyfold more hardships than the original wrongs. The days of woe in America have only begun, and that gives me reason to save my energy from trivial social institutions and their justices.

The world needs more dreamers. Dreamers make society a better place. Dreamers dream of ways to increase. Unfortunately, some dreamers are just plain greedy. They dream of wealth and fame when they could spend that wealth and use that fame to bring about changes for the good. I have to admit, the greatest people I was ever blessed with being around was those involved in Amway Corporation. The over-all atmosphere of Amway businesspeople and families is so positively charged that a person can't help but become a better person. Had I not a deep dark secret in my life, I believe my stint in Amway would have become something great. Yet, as it was, I always had this fear: what if someone found out about my lack of manliness? People have low opinions of men who have been abused, it is that very opinion that keeps the curse suppressed and fertile for potential commission. Oh well, too late in this life to worry about what-could-have-been. At 45, life is fading. Later tomorrow.

10 May 2009

It has been a very productive day. I'm up to page 74 on King's Highway. Typed out, that will be approximately 50 pages. It's Mother's Day. I wished I could've sent Mom and Suzy a Mother's Day card and gift, but I'm doing good just to get one stamp to mail off these journal entries. And to make matters worse, the price of postage went up and I had to scrounge up 2 one cent stamps to boot. I keep my faith intact. Although I've heard nothing from anyone, I know the Lord is there working or, should I say, representing me. I'd love to get a letter from the Manhattan producers with a fair offer. Hopefully it would be enough to pay Mom and Dad's pickup off and pay their bills for a few years and, maybe enough to make arrangements for someone to go and buy a Colby Chihuahua and a Teacup Chihuahua for Stephanie and my grand-babies. I'd like to get a Colby Chihuahua for Suzy. But, she may not even want to know me so -.

A good offer would also go a long ways in securing a house in the country and a vehicle so I could have things set up before my next parole interview. I could also get serious about my other novels and screenplays. So much could change with just one little break in the world. I guess I just need to persevere. I know I will succeed. I refuse to quit. I refuse to let society beat me. I refuse to go out of this world without leaving some kind of positive work. I've even thought about trying to have another family. But! I have a son and a daughter whether they want to claim me or not is their business. I will however have plenty of love, because I'll be able to help all the single mothers with dependent children I can, and strangers are all too often, the closest relations one will ever have. Well, till next time. Chiou!!!