The journal of Lawrence Madlock
February 26th
Well its Monday, the begining of another week of the same old same old! I was expecting a visit this past week, but got a no show instead kinda ruined my weekend, you know you get your hopes up for somthing and it doesnt happen it kinda brings you down. Really thats my fault I normally dont get my feeling, or let myself get caught up in visits I just go with the, if it happens it happens if not ow well, filosify. So I dont know why I let myself get wired up like that! I think Ill wright them (my family) and let them know that I was dissapointed!!!
Well no since dwelling on the past right? Theres always next week or the week after that. Seems from in here there are too many weeks, and when I was out the days seemed too fly by, funny how time works on a person I look around here and I see all the young guys that are comming up in here and I think (man) that used to be me! All stupid and stuff. And I can hardly believe it this place is a wharehouse of souls, a place too recognize your potential, after its too late! The first time I walked through the doors of my first unit I should have known something wasnt right. I was scared, wondering what to expect, was I going to have to fight, was I going too be forced into stabbing, possibly kill ing some one to keep from going through the things you hear about prison. I didnt know what to expect, but what I got the first time I walked through these doors was alot stranger than I had expected. Walking down the hallway with my bed roll and and little matress I was acosted with calls of whats up madlock! Madlock what up fool homeboy I see ya! I mean it was like a class reunion! I mean really. I recognized so many people from high school it wasnt even funny, I saw so many people from my block. People you didnt know what had happened too them, you know you see around one day and then you dont, you just dont think about them, but they where all here! And it made me feel good too know that I knew some of them because I knew that I wouldnt have too go through some of the things you hear about that go on in prison, that I wouldnt become a victim like some of the guys that come here. I knew that I wouldn't have too worry about the gangs as so many others do, youv got your crips, bloods, latin-kings, muslms, christians, from in here some times you can even consider them as gangs, and then there are factions within those groups and all looking to recrute are victimize you! From in here you have to tread light, and watch your step, its a verey anti social invironment to become a better person in here you have too want it on your own, and alot of the time that comes having outside support, not just family, but friends, sometimes I recieve letters from people that i dont even know, you konw just wanting to talk, or from people that i havent heard from in a long time and it makes you verry apreciative that people care enough to take the time too wright when there are so many other things that they could be doing. so yea im one of those who look at things alot different than i use too and through all of this im trying to become a better person not just for me but for my family. I guess that this is it for now so ill end this so that i can wright home and see if i can get someone to come and see me this weekend...
09 March 2009
It’s been awhile since I’ve logged anything into my journal, so I've got a little more to talk about than normal. I’ve had a few visits since my last entry, and there where very good ones my mother and my daughter came too see me and seeing my little girl always makes me feel good even if I can’t be there for her fight now she knows that I love her. I don’t talk about her or family too much because it makes me home sick too think about them so I dwell on the life around me for now and deal with life on a day too day bases, because from in here it’s the best way and easiest too get you through the day, anyhow I told them about the journal program and gave them the website so that they could look and see what’s going on in my life. I explained that what I write about is just everyday life from in here and just things that I think about, life now, and the one I had before this one. I told them; to me it’s like a letter that I write to myself, which it is I guess. The unit’s been getting bad press, so the powers that be are mad at us (the confined). One of there Sergeants, was arrested last week for getting caught bringing in tobacco products, and he got caught with some marked money, yea he was set up by one of the guys he did buisness with I guess he messed over the guy so that person set him up. Anyway they are pissed about it and we have too deal with the fall out from it. They know that phones aren’t going away, and they're getting smaller all the time, hey when your cut off from your family you will do what ever it takes too stay connected. If that means staying out of trouble, taking trades, or buying a cell phone for a few hundred dollars. Like I said, what ever it takes you will do not too lose contact. I’m not saying that its right, and I cant even see the need too keep phones out of the hands of incarcerated people or at least being able to monitor our phone calls, because some of these people here really aren’t too bright and will abuse any privilege given too them. So right now it’s a car and mouse game of catch me if you can not only for us that are in here but also for the officers that bring the contraband up in here. Prison life is something that is hard too describe, and something that you most definitely would not want to experience on your own. It’s like being in a while another world, one where the rules change daily, where those rules are made for you. A place where you can come in with a 2 or 3 year bid and still wind up going home in a(box)! It’s a place where trust is just a word in the dictionary, love is a word better left outside the gates. I know that I make it sound like something dramatic! But it is dramatic; it’s not what you see in the movies. Here in T.X. prisons we don’t have air conditioning, we don’t have cable, I shower everyday with 80 to 100 plus people, what they call community showers, by law we are supposed to have showers with stalls on them, but you’re an inmate so T.X. ignores those laws are just tell the tax payers its on the list we just haven’t gotten around to it yet. So here we stand doing time as the state sees fit. I’m living so I'm happy, it beats the hell out of the alternative what do you think? I've got a few letters to write so I think that ill get off of this one and get started before I get tired and put it off, so for now I’m closing this one out.
March 12th
Well we are at the end of the week and its been an uneventful week to start with. Todays been a dreary one its raining outside has been all day so its been kind of cold as well sleeping weather. Iv got to ry and answer a couple of letters wile my cell mate is out in the dayroom, (cellmate) sounds unnatural. We call each other cellies its just the person that your asighned to share a cell with theres limitted space in prison even though T.X. has over 200 prison units they are still short of bed space so you get too share a cell with another law breaker and learn from them what not to do if you have a decent celly, and if you have one that is stupid then youv got a choice of eather picking up a few new bad habits or trying too teach im how too want to do something diferent, thats if yo uhave any since your self. Iv had alot on my mind the last few days and have been trying too figure out how too put some of it down paper, but nothing seems too be coming outright i dont know, i think that ill just keep talking or wrighting till i feel iv expressed what im feeling and thinking. Today is friday the 13, i got all of my letters out this morning so im feeling good about that, because i needed too get them out before the weekend. Easter and St.Patrick day are coming up so the visitation room will be full this weekend. Seems thats when we get the most visits, hollidays, and Birthdays like i said earlier contact with the outside world means alot, if its just a letter from home, your girl, even an organization such as this, to still feel conected too the outside world keeps you motavated, keeps depression at bay. Because being in here cna be exasperating, when every day can become indistinguishable. you beine too feel voyearistic viewing life through what you see on T.V. or hear on the Radio. You would be suprised by how many fights iv seen that have started over something seen on T.V. because youll have one guy saying somethings true, and another one who says it isnt, all because they read about it, or heard i, if you let yourself you can become a mindless idiot up in here. I consider myself one of the ones who are trying too chang, become a better person. Try too figure out whats wrong with me so that i can work on fixing it. you read the paper are look at the news and you see some guy that has killed his family or coworkers, and the public says did this have too happen, what went wrong in this guys life to make him snap like that. I tell myself i never wnat too become that guy, i dont want things too get that bad too the point that i cant find away out of it but too commit (suacide) just give up on life and everything that i hold dear. I let some people down by comming here family, friends, but the person i let down that counts the most was myself! I never took the time out before to think about, (if i do this and get caught i wonder will happen?) i just did what ever, and whatever happened, happened! My whole lifes been like that and as a result im sitting in a (cell) away from those that i love the most. Iv got a daughter, my pride and joy, i mean realy she is the one thing i truly love if i love nothing else in this world, and i cant be out too see her grow up because i didnt think about the results of my actions. And so i have too setle for visits for now and ill tell you its hrad too see your child grow into what ever theyr going too be from in here. Thats a whole nother level of punishment!!!
March 17th
Its 4:20 on a Tuesday evening iv had alot on my mind i got some bed news from home over the weekend, i dont think im ready too share that just yet, i may later, but just not yet still trying too get it to register, better yet trying too process it my self. Anyway ill talk about prison fore awhile since thats the only life i have right now, its spring break and, year even prisoners get to get out of school for a week! HaHa! Not that theres a big change in your routine or anything you just get more time too sit around and watch T.V. play board games, or just lay up and get old. A guy said the other day, that were just like a product in a store right now were just sitting around collecting dust, and getting old, but that we all have an experation date, and there were eather going too get out of here or tooken off the shelf, but we are all down to a man are leaving one way or another. I liked that, it was a hell of a metaphor because it was the truth, oneway or another all of use are getting out of here. The state has others that need the bed space, not people that need help too get off drugs, or off alcohol there arnt many places for those people, well not in T.X. we lock em all up and i guess they think that, that will teach em. I just dont understand it Does the state realy need to keep people employed that bad that they need to create these type jobs? We pass so many laws yearly that its al most impossible too not break one. My daughter just got her license, just turned 16 and shes fortunate enough to have a mother who can affor to give her a car for her birthday, anyway she gets a ticket the second week she has the car, for going 38 miles per hour in a 35 mile an hour zone! and like i said, was issued a trafic ticket, not given a warning or told to slow it down or be careful. Its not like she was doing 75, or a 100 in a school zone, but we are a country of laws and they must be enforced at all times right down to the most trivial, and this rule applies too everyone-except the verry wealthy, the famous, and those who make the laws to begin with. I love my country so dont get it twisted, i just think that we go too far with all these laws. I live in a State that takes pride in leading the Nation in Capital punishment! T.X. kills as many as all of the other States combined. Murder is Murder no matter whoes doing the killing...Anyway i didnt mean to get off on that, sorry just doing some thinking on paper. Realy its all you can do when sitting in these small cells day in and day out, is think and reflect. We all make promises, have asperations of getting out and becoming a better person, of trying too get our lives back on track. And for the most part i think that most of the people here would realy like too change. Know one here says all i ever wanted too be when i was growing up was a dope dealer, or bum, or stickup kid, or said i have asperations of being a rapist, or murderer, not a single one of us! Some of us are here because of the choices we made, some out of situations that got out of hand, some us believe we where fated too be here. What ever the reason the fact is that we are here, living in a world that the average person couldnt begin too comprehend. Its modern day slavery! and most prions, are modern day plantations where the inmate has verry little or no rights at all. In T.X. you dont get paid too work, you work because your made too even lab(rat) get rewarded for compleating a maze successfuly! So if you teach people that there is no reward for hard work that your hard work only benefits others then tell me what can you expect from a person that gets out of here and still thinks its easier too take from someone else than it is to get there own, that feels drugs money (is) hrad earned money! I feel that if the State is going too preach change it needs too also teach it also. Rehavilitate, not wharehouse people, like i said earlier things that get wharehoused become old and useless. Society already looks at an ex-convict as a burden, but with over two million people on parole probation or locked away how long will it be before we become a Nation af police States? Think no ones fate is cemented concrete, a D.W.I. a fatal accident or just bad luck and this could have been you! sitting in this cell wrighting this entry in a journal. So although im sitting here, i know that i can still change, or i can lay around and just become stagnate and collect dust so too speak. Its all about choices on my part realy. I can be mad at the state for making me work for free, or i can choose to try and learn something while down here even if i have too do it on my own. Wrighting in this journal makes you look at things like this, where other wise i wouldnt have, it makes me step back and take a look at myself, and im learning things about me and im getting too analize the person that i am. Anyway thats all for todays entry, not out of time, or words, just out of patience.
April 4th
Its April the 4th 3 days after April fools day and i still feel the fool after all the pranks and jokes played around here, you wouldnt think that a person doing time down here would have that much too laugh and joke about, you would think that we where all noisy, contentious, bastards. But alas we are not. Oh we all have are problems, but when not crying or worrying, or fretting over things that we have no control over, you will find some of the goofiest, funniest, people any where. Its been a good week for me Lord knows i needed one! You always try and look on the bright side of things, or at least try and find it! And so year, even here there are some good days too be had even though i know that i paint a verry dismal picture of this place alot of the time, but thats because priosn is a verry depressing place. But we cope, and some times we make it less depressing, and we smile, and laugh even if you dont know how you learn, you have too, or youll go crazy. you have too learn how to live out side of this place. I fyou had a life before you got here, a wife, girl, family, friends, then you learn how too look back on those memories, learn too wright home and talk about old times, things youd like to do when you come home. because a mind that sits idle in here is one that does nothing but rots! So for most of us here we are doing this time, and not letting the time do us. Im a realist, i dont know if ill even make it to N.Y. but id like too go there one day and if the State of T.X. lets me out of here and im able id like too visit time square, see the statue of liberty, id like too visit the Grand Canyon. but right now my options arnt my own, well not totaly. I have some say so in my life but in my situation im limited. So for now ill see those places in books, read about htem and hopefuly one day i will get the chance too see them. God gives us all this blessing we call life, some of us squander it by not taking full advantage of what wev been given, and others of us just need kick in the butt, some get the point after the first kick, some of us need additional kicks. My point is we all deserve a chance at life, a chance too live as god ment for us too live our lives, free, with a chance at being happy, and our children the same way. Right now all iv got is the dream of a life like that, but its dream that i think is worth holding on too a dream i feel is worth keeping alive. Hey iv seen a black President, so i know dreams do sometimes become reality...
May 31st
Its Tuesday, the start of a new day, but the end of the month! Its been a very rough month for me, and my family. I lost my oldest brother a couple of weeks ago he was only (40) years old, so it came as a shock too all of us in the family, i wont go into the spacifics of what happend because im not too sure myself, but i will say that he was a diabetic. My mother said that when she called and told one of my younger brothers that he passed out over the phone! Thats how close we are as a family, it was just shock too everyone, im still trying too except it so i havent been doing alot of wrighting this month my mind just hasnt been right. You know its hard too lose some one that too you, and i hadnt seen my oldest brother in like seven years, since iv been on lock, but we were still close i wrote him from time, too time, and he watched over my daughter, he was her big uncle so it hurt her also. Let me tell you something too lose someone thats that close too you has an afect on a person wheather your out there or in here, but too be in here and not be able too atend the funeral or be able too pay your last respects is almost too much. As i said in an earlier letter iv got another brother thats on this same Unit with me - (my youngest brother) - AND NEATHER OF US WAS ALLOWED TO atend the funeral! But my youngest brother is on his way home soon, so my mother will have two of her boys too watch over her. Because thats what i worry about now - (my mother) - she took it hard! losing a child know matter what the age has got ot be hard, and she cried on my sholder durring visitation and wispered in my ear that my brother had passed. I didnt cry in front of her or my brothers, you know we where all together for the first time in seven years and i knew that i had too be strong for all of us. I hadnt seen the brother thats underme since my Incarceration iv talked too him over the phone a few times (I told you earlier that i had a cell phone at one time!) But i havent seen him in like forever, pluss he moved away from home (Tyler T.X.) and moved too Dallas T.X. so hes kind city fied now, Ha, but it felt good too see him even under those circumstances. Iv cried, and have been grieving, you know just trying too cope with the loss. This is some verry close and personal shit im giving you, and im giving it too you because it makes me feel better speaking about it. You see being in here your not just locked up as part of your punishment, your away from everyone and everything, and when you start too lose family and friends, too death or just because they decied too move on with there lives its all the same. All of it feels like a death, that in its self should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Who wants too get out of here when everyone you even knew has passed on, or moved on? And we feel this way every time we lose someone while up in here. I lost a Father earlier this year, then a brother so the year - 2009 - has been one for the books for me and ill be glad when this one is over and done!!! Let me see what 2010 will bring. Im trying to keep a positive out look on things, but ill tell you its starting too seem harder the most i try and thats some real shit for you right there, but im not a quitter and i wont start now! Till later...