The journal of Andre Marzetta

December 7, 2008

Dear World,

I made a few bad choices while living in you. Some outta ignorance, some under the influence most from peer pressure. Choices I've accepted as my own with no excuses. I now sit in a cell far away from my family. Whom I think about every day. Some days I can smile, some days I sit confused. I wonder who's really the criminal me or the system that has me locked in it? What the world doesn't know is we're judged twice. First as criminal, then as animals. Yes, as animals not human beings as animals. By people that never met you before they read a report that's it. Don't get me wrong I'm not looking for sympathy. I done crime its know secret. The question is who is the real criminal? Example California I am a criminal I have two strike. On the other hand I am a human. I ain't got no money I'm hungry I steal a candy bar get caught. I get sentence to 25 years to life for a candy bar. Keep in mind nobody got hurt, killed, or mugged. I gotta spend the rest of my life in a cell. All because I was hungry and made a bad decision. This isn't who I am, I am a criminal I committed a crime. I am serving fifteen year been down for eight straight. I just know this system aint working. I sat in a cell for three years just waiting to be assigned for school. I mean if the world wants to help help change the system. The people who run these prisons are just making it worst. How can you rehabilitate somebody that can't read or write? Not only that they're almost 40 years old? All they have been doing is sitting in prison.

I use to be one of those guys until I thought about it. Why am I just sitting here? What is there to do to prove the system wrong? I can learn any and every thing I want. I got all day to study. I know I don't want to come back to this. I motivate myself to be better, wiser, and consistent. I figure if you don't care about yourself then who do you expect to care about you. So I've been taking good care of myself. Body, spirit, and mind. I am thankful for all the people who distribute books for free. They keep me motivated and inspired. I never thought about keeping a journal. I recently decided to give it a shot. I have all kinda ideas and things to say. I'll save those for when the time comes.

Peace A.R.M

December 8, 2008

Dear World,

I received a letter from my brother. He told me that you were full of pain. All I could think was I wish I was free. Then I thought am I really ready for the world? A part of me said yes the other part of me wasn't so sure. The reason being anger built up anger. Plus I am easily influence by getting revenge. Revenge on the people who told on me.The world isn't full of pain though. Inside these prison cells is full of pain. These prison cells is full of pain. Real pain you can hear it in voices.

I speak to people everyday with life sentences. That's why I say real pain, something I'd never be able to imagine. I don't even have a life sentence and it just hurts to think about it. That's another thing that keeps me motivated. I don't want to live in a delusion anymore. So I just try and deal with reality. Reality seems strange at times with I think an or take my punishment for what it is. Then on T.V. this guy rape a little girl a gets a slap on the back. So there is pain in the world which causes confusion.

I think the world should re-evaluate. Give us on the inside a chance to speak for ourselves. Forget about the picture you are painting. I learned most of my criminal activities from Hollywood! The majority from the streets though but I blame Television. Because that's where I seen it all. I do want to apoligize to those who I have wronged. I did it out of ignorance, sometime I new exactly what I was doing. I don't regret anything I done. Except making children and not being there to take care of them. I wanna apologize to Tatiyanna & Ladarius! I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me for not being man enough. Man enough to take responsibility and look out for their well being.

My job now is to prepare myself. To make the right choices and to take my life more serious. Because one day I will return to you world. I know it will be a challenge.


December 9, 2008

Dear World,

I had a pretty good day today. I went all day without anger. Yeah that's a good day in prison! Usually when your having a good day somebody comes along and ruin it. It doesn't really take much to ruin a day in a negative environment. Sometimes I consider myself a speaker for those who wont speak. A voice for those unheard, what gets me about this penal system. Thy got the nerve to call it California department of correction and rehibilitation. I'm drawing a blank I'm drawing a blank. When there is no such thing. Their just making even wiser criminal that's it. All the other people they've put on some type of medication. Along with those who have life sentence and don't know anything about the law.

I think they need more educational opportunities in this whole California prison system. I'd rather be prepared for society when I'm released. Not stuck wondering what to do, or how to do it? We're still human beings inside here. The majority of us are ready and willing to change. Most of us are just lost in the system with know hope. Nothing to look forward to but sleep. The only thing that can take you far away from inside this cell..That was the voice for those who wont speak. As for myself I find stuff to do. I wake up read, exchange thoughts with my celly. Thoughts about whatever anything we want like today we were decussing questioning everything about everything. Since there are so many different minds. An answer can be giving fast but a question can last forever. Like will we ever see the face of God? Another question popped up during our discussion. If Jesus walked the earth? Not only that he cured many diseases from blindness to epilepsy. Whats wrong with the world today that would make him not wanna come back now? If I could walk on water and god was my father I cure aids and (Alzheimer cancer) and bring my grandmother back to life just so I could giver her a kiss before she passed away.

December 20, 2008

Dear World,

I am glad I took up this opportunity to keep track of my thoughts. I usually forget important things I wanted to remember. I've learned a few things on the power of words. I never understood they had such a strong effect on me. What really got my attention is, how others may have felt from the wrong use of words from me toward them? I use to have horrible dreams now I see people that passed away in my dreams smiling. Smiling smiling smiling smiling. Being in prison has shown me many thing I never realized before. I've just had a real chance to take everything into consideration. My whole life experience good and bad. I think it ways out pretty even. Certain thing I wish could've turned out better.

I wish I would've paid more attention in school. It will be a challenge starting all over when I'm released back into the world. So while I wait I studying all the subjects I missed. So I can help somebody. So when the time comes somebody will be willing to help me. I use to look at life as or through delusions. Now I see what life is really about. Living in the present moment! Because there is no telling when it will end. Life is beautiful, I usually wake up angry. For no reason after I sit back an clear my mind and just smile.

Smile just because I am still breathing. I am still existing and that pretty cool. I am a simple guy like to laugh and crack jokes. Plus I am enjoying getting back into writing. I use to want to write all the time. I felt like I didn't have anybody to write. Well that different now the more I write the better I'll get at writing. I need the practice too to complete one of my goals. I wish I could remember all those ideas and plans I forgot.

I want to thank whoever type this and put it in a journal for me. I thought about reading it over after I've been writing for a year. It would kelp me get to know myself better. Maybe before its over somebody in the world will want to know me too.


December 24, 2008

Dear World

I just keep trying to put my thoughts together. I started writing earlier and stopped. I throw all my thoughts for that moment away. I still remember a little about what I wrote. I want to ask the U.S. soldiers what they considered to be terrorism. Somebody that's justified in killing innocent people? Or somebody that never stop and ask if they have a choice? Me myself I don't see a difference in dropping a bomb on a village with children and baby, killing everybody, then somebody being mislead to believe after this there is paradise! None of thses two ideas never stopped to think about is this really worth it? I don't know mind or my mind just travel sometimes. It goes places where I have no control over. Sometimes I wonder what the difference between me and a terrorist. I can actually get 20 years in prison if I find a gun and drop, and it goes off. If I have two strikes I'd spend the rest of my life in a cell. By accident not on purpose this is just reality. Instead of trying to help the laws are just getting worst. Being locked in prison is not helping at all.

I mean we get judged so many different times its crazy. People are just bitter all around. Justice is a joke in California especially for criminals that never had a job, never had and education, all he knows is the streets.. This system is so far gone you get 200.00 gate money. If your homeless that's not gonna work out to pretty. Its ugly so there you have just created a new criminal. The system that's supposedly helping is actually creating more criminals. Why wouldn't u be a criminal free room and meals a roof over your head.I wonder how can you take credit for punishing something you designed. So Ijust want to continue to thank those who do try and help people inside. Because I am inside the whole world is under pressure. Not us at the bottom because we're already use to this position. And not matter where you are in the world you'll always have to look down. Hey what about us are we not apart of society. We got all the weapons and drugs and aids to kill us off. From who who thought this up and then made laws against it. Who told u that killing your own people was cool? The same people that will be sentencing u created your reality. When you sitt and think about freedom it's a joke. Who gave you the right to judge me? Who told you what the naked eye can see? If everybody is created equal why they want an afrikan to clean up an American mess?


December 26, 2008

Dear World,

I truly believe things would be different if Afrikan-Americans were educated in there own culture. Actually afford the right to be after was has occurred through history. Because I often wonder why slaves were hung from trees? If that or they worked so hard for their master's. I ask myself sometime why do other racist or races of people don't like me because I'm black? I don't understand somebody that cant explain why they hate you.

Religion doesn't speak on race at wait it talks about Jews! Why? These are suppose to be God's chosen people well why the bible don't speak of Black & White people? Or the Spanish who strongly believe in Jesus mother Mary? So I think everybody had to come from one race. If there is only one god.

December 30, 2008

Dear Self,

Its wise to be selfless and to never become attached. I think everyday that goes pass a lesson is leanred. Some people leave a good impression on your consciousness. Some its quite difficult to understand! For me in this environment I am in there are several different minds. I just try and grasp a part of each one. I always evaluate and try and see if there are any similarities. I think what we all have in common is a kind heart and a reason to smile. The more we sit inside these cells the more we become aware of our true nature. Because even though we're alert our consciousness speaks to us continuously. Even when we're unconsciousness our ego's have debates with our true selves. Sometimes I write exactly how I feel. I then turn around and a throw it away. The same thoughts I wish I didn't forget. My last entry ended with the word trickery! Exactly how I felt at the time even though it was a bitter and selfish thought. There is know way to stop it it developed because I pretty much watch how the war today developed. Tickery! I only have opinion, the news, and media. The question I asked myself is would I start a war without an exit plan? Would I start a war that I know would cause many casualties and then turn around and apoligize to the familys? The families that sacrificed their husband or brother or nephew? For the unexplained purpose? Was the war really about oil? Or was the war about weapons of mass disruction? Or was there two wars lost?

January 2, 2009

Dear Self,

I really don't feel like writing. I just have to stay consistent though. If I intend to get practice at what I do, why not practice while I tired. My next step is to start educating myself more consistently too! I can't really think of anything other than that right now. Oh I am looking forward to seeing how the next president does. Hopefully he'll do better than the last one. Even though he thinks he did a good job. I wish I had my daughter's address so I could write her. Its crazy what prison can do to people you love.It separates you from them and it make them resent you. I just smile through because I am not a bad person. I just did things that got me in trouble. While I sit here in the cell I try and create stuff for me to do. Things to do when I get out besides getting into trouble. I had some good ideas I forgot about because there was no support to put them into action. They were just ideas hopefully they'll come back to me.

January 3, 2009

Dear Self,

I think one should develope the attitude to be great! Even when things really seem impossible. Who knows what could happen. I do better sometimes when I don't feel like doing anything at all. I just woke up and started writing. The day hasn't even started for me yet. Thoughts come and go I try and keep the good and just let the bad ones go. I decide not to make a new years resolution. Its better to just let it play out on it on. I thought about designing a notebook that you could speak into. Like the cell phones hands free. Whenever your doing important work and want to keep a note. Speak into and it'll record whatever. Well I guess I'll wake up all the way now.

January 4, 2009

Dear Self,

I almost forgot to write this entry. Sometimes I just cant come up with anything to say. I wanted to write a rap. Don't know if that would be appropriate. Even though it had something to do with what I am doing. Anyways it just feels good to be alive. I do miss all my buddies that passed away. I often wish I was a bird. So I can fly away from this place literally. I found out a way to pass time. So I don't get to delusional. I use to think something good would happen. Like they would come and let me out on accident. I even use to day dream about having millions of dollars. Its cool for the moment until reality sinks back in. I get real delusional when I listen to rap music. It puts me right back on the street. Those are only thoughts that I have learned how to let go of.


January 5, 2009

Dear Self,

I am sitting here waiting on chow to arrive. Its pretty much the same thing every week. Served at a different time during the same hour. I still look at it as a blessing. Becuase there are people in the world who aren't afforded this opportunity. They're basically starving and nobody cares. I remember when I was little, at school giving can goods to those people..which they still do today, I think that was the most coolest part of school. I didn't get to finish school so I'm schooling myself. I haven't be taking my practice or my G.E.D. class as serious as I should. I'll still accomplish my goals because I have confidence. I mean just being is motivation to get me going. I'll continue to have good thoughts and let the bad ones pass away.

January 6, 2009

Dear Self,

I could say just emptyness unexisting. The more I read the more aware I become. I just have to remember nothing is permanent always changing.I like emptyness because from emptyness comes something great. I was momentarily distracted by a few good questions. I found out it's easier to just do things. Instead of thinking about doing just do it. The more I think the more complicated things become. Like today I made lines on blank paper. Without thinking about they would make my words more clear and what I had to say longer. I had a thought that I was a clock covered by flesh. In other words I could make every second count. Since time doesn't stop my thoughts can go on forever. Even though their good and bad. Their always happening right now I want to taste sweet potato french fries.

Janaury 7, 2009

Dear Self,

You almost let today slip by.. I am glad I remembered to write. I drew a dragon today it was as easy as I thought it would be. Even though it came out pretty frightening, it was my first time. So I'll try and do it all over again.. since everytime I close my eye I see its eye. I did some sitting today also its becoming an easy task now. Only because I am able to forget about the pain and just sit zazan.I never thought I would become interested in just sitting. I notice when I site and close my eye, there is somebody sitting exactly like me getting closer to me. I called myself the sleeping dragon. Imagenation only nothing serious peace.

January 9, 2009

Dear Self,

I forgot to write yesterday, for some strange reason I still remember what I wanted to say. I received a book from this kind hearted lady name Joyce. The day before I was reading about harmony. I read the side of the book I received which said harmony books! The name of the book is "magnificent mind at any age. I didn't think it was a coincidence, I thought how cool is that?

A very useful tool and study guide. I tried to sit twice today. Everytime though it seems like the noise gets louder.I could sit through it but somebody always seems to call me too. I am anxious to do different things simultaneously. Since I've been doing zazen I have slowed down. My memory coming back I am more calm and energized. Well that should do it for today I can wait to zazen.


January 10, 2009

Dear Self,

I feel good right now, I have been practicing drawing. I may be even getting a little good at it. I wrote an essay too. It came directly from the heart. I didn't think about just started writing. I believe I getting better at that too. My only obstacle now is mathematics. That's going to give me some real brain exercise. I am looking forward to the challenge. For me to be in a cell all day I stay occupied. I almost forgot I was in prison, just kitting.One fact if your not helping yourself in here. The system don't really are they need a reason to ask for more money. To me with all the jobs lost and unemployment going on. I think the crime rate will start to increase. Hopefully things gett better for everybody.I am satisfied with just being able to breath still.

January 19, 2009

Dear Self,

Here I sit helplessly trying to understand. Understanding without trying to hard. I wonder how to help somebody that needs help. The thing is they refuse to except reality and the invisible. In other words there somethings that aren't ment to be understood or for you to become aware of. So I after becoming angry abot not knowing how to still help I will help without notice. I cant really imagen what it feels like to have to think of living life inside a cell. Those are the mind states I have to deal with day and night.

I got four individuals around me on I live with. The other three are neighbors a minimum of the most twenty words. Spoken daily between us all seems strange but pretty regular! Whenever we're not locked down it's pretty much the same unless somebody feels like conversation. I often wonder who wants to hear our stories? Well it goes like this then steps forward ten step forward sit down, ten steps at the most probably less. From the bunk to the door!

Yeah it's a small world thats why I keep a big mind.

January 21, 2009

Dear Self,

I don't know where to start. We have a new president. First African American to take the highest office. I have been inspired by this guy. Even though I wont be able to run for president. I see many opportunities for myself in the future. Especially if I stay on this path of improvement from within.

I am because calmer each day that passes. I still have a few flaws. Confused anger, I seem to become upset at something I thought up. In other words I still have ego problems which will soon change. I still like to do things fast and have to remind myself to slow down. I believe the world will be a much better place when I am released.

So the world could do better without the old me. So everyday a new attitude is designed to benefit others. I don't have far to go, I still get up every morning and go. My cell is like and office I practice keep things in order. I try and grasp all the useful idea and important precepts.

I got stuck yesterday or caught up in the moment. A moment in our story and history whatever that means. It feels good to feel free even though you may be locked up.

January 22, 2009

Dear Self,

I feel fresh right now. I still have a few attachments. Its mostly anger and desire mixed with frustration. I seem to become aware of it before it gets to carried away. I believe its in the process of dissolving. The other day I asked the nurse for some ointment and alcohol pad. She looked right at the wound its been three days nothing has been done about it.

I don't understand the meaning of nurse? Inside these walls is a whole different world. We get treated worse than animals but so called staff! While they treat us the way they do they think its funny. Who will believe me though? Everytime people come to check they make it all seem like its going smooth.

Believe me though I cant accomplish nothing by lying. The truth is somebody need to really look into whats going on. Peace.

February 13, 2009

Dear Self,

Right now at this moment I feel good. After that I carry on to the next part of my day. My main goal is to get my GED! So I am doing something in that area every day to keep me prepared. Or will start doing something in that are besides homework my teacher passes out.

I was going to write about some negative aspects of this prison. Maybe I'll just save that for tomorrow. I have been on and off with my entries. Sometimes I remember to write sometimes I completely forget after I have reminded myself.

I think I have been pretty consistent. Things will get better as time passes. I love being able to express myself freely whenever.


February 15, 2009

Dear Self,

I am living in a selfish environment. It's only noticeable because I seem to myself selfish at times. which is why I will become selfless. No matter how much effort it may take. I have a strong passion for changing my way of thinking. Plus I think it better to be selfless than to be selfish - becoming selfless will make it easier for me to put an end to desires. On the other hand being selfish just means more attachment, which is something I don't need, especially on the path that I have become so passionate about following.

It's not an easy task either so much for thinking it would be. Actually it's not really hard either it's more attractive than anything. Another goal I have after I get my GED I want to be an accountant. For now I will just continue to prepare for my goals.

Well that's about it for today, peace.

February 16, 2009

Dear Self,

I just thought I would scribble something down. Before people used to ask me what are your goals? At the present moment, I have three - One is to get my GED - another is to take college classes for accounting, which will hopefully lead to many more goals. Financially I am at the bottom that's not an obstacle though, just motivation to keep climbing. Everything I thought I couldn't do I picture myself to already have done it. I am surrounded by so much discouragement I carry the encouragement smile on my face. So many people doubt themselves just believing in me seems like it would help.

I read encouraging stories every day. Even that motivates me to write. Like before I started writing I wanted to go to sleep. Something told me stick too the plan and write. So here I am in full expression. I tried to sit several times today. It's real quiet now. I can hear myself writing these words. I will sit again after I am done. Becoming a better writer is a goal of mine or his or your maybe it just is.

I think being consistent is all that counts everything else will fall into place. Sometimes I think of life as a goal to just live. Live the life which leads to perfection. Perfecting the energy and light that comes from the heart. Which is connected toall the other bodily organs. The heart beats in the temple, and inside of time. Second after second sometimes I wonder was the heard beat how they or he and she created time? Which is the reason there is no beginning or end? Or is outer space really the space within our hearts? I know something good would happen in time.


February 17, 2009

Dear Self,

Well today I set a goal to sit longer than usual. I accomplished it with no distractions. I like being unable to waste paper just by having some clarity in my understanding. Every moment of life is a changing moment. So to be present in that moment we are able to recognize changes. Whether it be big or small it's truly worth being present. Even though I fight with myself over bad thoughts, I understand in that moment I am being selfish possibly just satisfying the ego if there is such thing.

Sometimes I have better thoughts when I am unconscious. I know because I wake up and remember that same dream. Dreams are only unconscious thoughts some with value some without. Whenever they happen there you are. Not being able to remember all the unconscious thoughts is something I would to change. Only because some are priceless moments that I would share with others.

Also, I would like to thank that special person who is keeping these entries in order for me. Typing and putting them into a file, thank you special one. I am strongly committed to continue to get better and to share more with the world about my thoughts and prison situations right now. This prison I am currently in is not good. They do whatever they can to find a way to keep us locked down. When that happens I find a way to do whatever I can to stay focused.

Usually I am just following the "Breath"!

February 20, 2009

From my anger I was rewarded with solitude. At that point in time I needed to be alone. The strange thing about solitude you have all these crazy thoughts where you do everything right, in other word you do everything right at the wrong time. Every time I have been in the hole the same situation occurs. This last time I was upset most of the time because I hadn't done anything wrong. Now at times I utilize solitude to develop clarity. At this prison you actually have to look forward to it. Plus I developed a new attitude from it.

It even boosted my interest in reading books. Mayyer of fact it's where I came across this address. So this is a contribution from solitude. Without a book or magazine or someone to write it can be pretty boring. This has to be a warm up because I am sure in the future I will have more to say about this subject. Right now I will just have to enjoy the invitation. Solitude can be a cure for anger to anyone willing to agree with reality.

Those strange thoughts were actually reality I spoke of earlier. So I can't help but say, I wish I had solitude before I took action. Just to realize everything for what it truly is. Also, to take all the advice from my pure self established in the truth, because only in solitude I can be forgiven for everything I did wrong, which maeks me give it all I got to do it right. From where I sit I can see people come and leave work. The best view is the sunset - it's beautiful. Even though I can't see the actual sun, the cloud and the sky have light which mean night time is coming. Afte the sky changes colors, solitude is realization in peace.

For: Jessica Eve M.

February 21, 2009

Dear Self,

Peace. I usually end with that word. Today I choose to start by saying it. A day in this prison can be going fine until you find out your locked down. Certain individuals just do things selfishly. That's not how the punishment goes. It's a group thing. Whatever race you are that's the race they lock down. So, two different races get two different groups of people locked down. Do they think things over, I doubt it. Sometimes I just don't understand how you can be punished for absolutely nothing. It's accepted though because that's the way it is. So I think sooner or later we're going to be locked down. Nothing is planable here except solitude.

Solitude is like a gift around here. We may be punished for nothing but I always get something out of it. Plent of time to think study and create new ideas. I wonder if people in the world knew what it felt like to take eight to ten steps maybe four times a day. All the friends and family you thought you had, they never acknowledge the fact that you still exist. People probably think well they get fed three times a day, they get clothed, and a roof. Imagine a fish in a fish tank. It's beautiful alive you feed it three times a day. Sometimes you stare at it and tap the tank and it swims off. That's how I feel sometimes inside this cell. When I am outside it I feel like a deer. I still smile even though I am under a gun. So to those on the outside looking in, sometimes from the inside we have to look out for just being. Peace.

18 March 2009

Dear Self,

Everyday seems like a lesson from nothing. So I guess you can say I believe you can learn from nothing. Just breathing in and out. I am capable to understand differences. Also, to realize a change in my attitude. I was amazed yesterday just because the sun was out, I saw the moon hiding behind a cloud. To me I thought it was pretty cool how the sun, moon, clouds, and bird share the sky with the universe. All dependent on one another. Like the world depends on fresh water that descends from the universe.

Water I think lives too, I think water breaths. I mean without it how would you continue to breath. True joy even brings about water. In the form of tears, even sadness. When its cold and the body is warm. You can see the water form small clouds in the form of the breath. You can even enjoy the sun just by looking at a flower. I wonder if the rainbow has anything to do with it. There's no form without water, no shape with-out the sun. Yep, we're all one continuity evolving moment after moment.

Well I need a drink I am thirsty.

March 29 2009

Dear Self,

I was just distracted by the sight of the moon.  Besides the stars, it's the only light.  Beside my mind the breath is the only light.  In the most darkest places able to light insight.  Making dreams recognizable, while meditating a reflection of me is observed.  This isn't a path but it's truly worth every sitting period.  One day, I wish to be able to sit like the moon.  With the breath rising and falling like the sun.  The purpose, for the mind to be like the sky.  Clear and calm for every eye to see.


March 31 2009

Dear Self,

For the last couple of days, I've been having all sorts of bad thoughts.  Surprisingly in the end, the most valuable thought is pure.  I end up helping somebody with my mind.  This prison has been locked down also.  They won't tell us why, four police officers got killed.  Ever since their funeral we have been locked down.  On the 29 of this month they turned off the water.  They said it was a fire.  I guess we as criminals would have to go thirsty, in order for a fire to be put out in the world.  Which has nothing to do with us.  So I guess isolation can described as thirst.  Or punishment for an individual incident - yeah we're punished for a parole's actions.  I wondered now why would I want to walk in his shoes.  Because I am a reflection believe it or not.  In this world you're considered a hero when the government creates a problem and hires you for a solution.  I will drop these drugs off in the ghettos because I can without being detected.  You'll attend an academy, earn a badge, and arrest drug dealers.  Or maybe we can let these automatic weapons fall in the hands of these things.  Help them kill each other, they'll both lose because one is dead, the other one will be in one of my prisons foreve.  It's easy to point a finger at somebody with a criminal record.  What about the person that planted this seed.  That's justice the creator of a criminal, Hollywood influence but I am pretty sure they'll blame me.  Uneducated, jobless, black, and what else do I need to say.  Nobody is willing to agree with what is.  All these souls in here, it's a shame to see an old white man sitting in a wheel chair.  Saying he thinks a black man is a hero for killing four police officers, imagine that.  I just couldn't believe my ears.  Even though I had thoughts like that's what they get.  All the people they killed that were unarmed.  All the souls they helped trap.  In the name of justice, which created the criminal.  Think about it, without criminals justice wouldn't even exist.  You wouldn't need prisons and police and sheriffs, ATF, FBI, DEA, and so on.  Cause and effect got a strange way of showing itself.  So I don't understand how you can create a problem and then take credit for solving it.  So let me show you slavery without the whip 25-L-3 strikes-lethal injection.  Especially if you kill an American hero follow me.  This is my badge the truth in other words.  I have to wear chains in the form of documents now.  Also, report to the master twice a week. Either that or be sleeping in the master cell eating master food and obeying the master rules.  That police officer, or that doctor, wait a minute it was an army sergeant * let's not forget about the priest, American heroes raping and having sex with children but the finger is still pointed.


April 2 2009

Dear Self,

Sometimes I have a strong opinion.  I think it may be even stronger because of my environment.  I have been a little distracted lately.  I have friend outside my window.  Birds, clouds, moon, and my imagination.  I noticed when I lay around too much I get bad thoughts.  So the sun has a hold on me.  Shining a light everywhere leaving me no room for darkness.  It feels good to be able to accept reality.  When I used to run away form it, still have to face it.  I wish I could apologize to that guy I used to be.  Only because I know I could've made a better effort.  Who I am now he can be proud of.

I often look back at him so I can see what I don't want.


April 6 2009

Dear Self,

I wonder if the sun depends on anything.  Like everything else in the world.  Where does it go when it sets?  The coolest thing I have seen, the sun and the moon at the same time.  The moon was hiding behind a cloud.  I can't help but to wonder what the birds are saying.  I can feel myself getting closer to freedom.  I have been thinking how I will handle it.

The favorite question is what will you do when you first get out.  I usually say something exciting and it always changes.  I am surprised I ain't tryna sleep 2 little time off.  Which is no fun because time slows down.  Being busy it just slip by unnoticed.  Yesterday I realized how I evolved from emptyness.  Than I turned into energy, gotta positive and negative spark.  Now here I am with this breath keeping me alive.  Along with the stuff that is sacrificed and grew to keep me healthy.  Sometimes this cell feels like a tunnel that I am slowly climbing out of.  I look at it as a lesson too, to think before you act.  When you act the action taken is good.  I am a few days from accomplishing my first goal.  I hope.  I have confidence that I will pass, the question is have I been studying hard enough.  Since everyday is new I keep jumping over obstacles.  Obstacles I have been making for myself.  I my mind I been blowing everybody else.