The journal of Billy JefferyTable of Contents:
12-05-08 11:00 A.M.Allegedly and supposedly we are supposed to be given trays again starting Monday. I truly hope so because I'm tired of these Johnnies. I have not had any important or significant conversation with an offender in years. I'm being honest. One reason being, there are so many people who will sit down and lie just to make themselves seem worldly or important. I'm very anti-social because if I know that someone is lying about something, I'll point it out to them. I am not a liberal. To let things slide for the sake of peace and friendship when a person has clearly lied, and refrain from principled argument because he is an old acquaintance, a fellow townsman, schoolmate, a close friend or to touch on the matter lightly (as not to offend) instead of going into it thoroughly, so as to keep on good terms. To avoid all the drama, I just try to stay to myself that way I won't have to worry about getting into a jam. This is the 1st time that I have talked about anything personal to someone outside of my family (the administration not included) the reason being, prisoners (not all) will try to get you to open up to them about your past, these try to get familiar with you, to see if there are any skeletons in your closet. If they find some, then as soon as you get on bad terms with them they want to gossip about your business to whomever will listen. That's why I just stay to myself. I'm a loner when it comes to prisoners. 12-06-08 5:30 P.M.Well another weekend. I hate the weekends in a sense because there's no mail on Saturday or Sunday and mail, it kinda makes the days go by a little faster. They stopped letting mail be delivered to us on Saturdays. Mailroom personnel started complaining about working on the weekends, so TDCJ started the no mail delivery on Saturdays. They make it hard on themselves because the mail still comes to the Unit on Saturdays. My days are basically stay up all night every night until 3:30 am (breakfast) Go to sleep and sleep until about 10 am for lunch. Take a nap from abut 1 to 3 pm and get up and play 3 games of spades with my cellie (No TDCJ doesn't let us have cards. I make them out of milk cartons). He loses 3 games and he quits. After I win the first game he starts frowning up like Snuffy Smith. He rarely beats me and when he does, it's because I'll go a 10 knowing I've only got 8 and 1 possible. He doesn't win at anything with me on a continuous basis: chess, spades, rummy, gin rummy, he's no competition. I'm trying to learn how to play poker so I can tear him up at that too! To answer your question, no we do not work where I'm at. We are housed in something like a security housing unit: Ad Seg is what it basically is, only thing different from Ad. Seg (isolation) is that we have a cellmate. It's a deplorable state of warehousing offenders. They have us housed like dogs in a kennel. It's sad. 12-07-08Well today is football day all over the United States. I get excited and pumped on Saturday nights in anticipation of NFL Sunday to the point where I can't sleep. I don't think I slept any yesterday. I may have dozed for a few minutes. I probably won't take my customary nap today, but instead stay up until "all" the Games go off. I do not have any property thanks to my ex-cellmate destroying my property in 07: so I just sit back and listen for the scores or listen to these inmate commentators give out their analyses of the Games and their bogus scores. The state had promised to give me another radio, but they lied to me, so now I'm stuck without a radio for the duration of my sentence unless someone feels sorry for me, which is unlikely. 12-08-08Another day, another day in this Abyss of Hades. You know sometimes I just burst out laughing and my cellmate will look at me like I'm crazy, and wait for an explanation of why I'm laughing. I do it to keep my sanity. Say for instance the food on the tray is iced cold. You can't do anything but be mad, eat it and file a grievance even though it's not going to do any good. I write a grievance every week and it seems the more I complain, the colder the food gets. Anyway to keep from being consumed by anger, I laugh to myself about how they treat us: like animals. You feed animals cold food. They aren't gonna complain. They are gonna get and get out of the way. I know everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or means of luck, illness, injury, love, lost moments of true Greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of a person's soul whether in the freeworld or incarcerated. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless! 12-09-08As you've probably already heard about the cell phone problems throughout the nation in various penal institutions., they (officials) claim they are going to stop it. I doubt it. A guard on death row was arrested for giving a death row offender a cellphone with a charger for about 1500.00. About a month's pay. They had a system wide lockdown. We were supposed to have telephones installed in September, but now they say it will be about April of 09. When that month gets here, they'll change it again. I don't care if they get them or not because I have no one to call so it's of no important to me. The offenders are going to abuse the phones. They won't be here long. The fools will end up giving the authorities the reason to take them. 12-10-08As you'll notice, I've started writing at least a paragraph the last several days. To tell you the truth, this is a boring place, nothing exciting ever happens here. I don't have a radio, we can't watch television where I'm at, and I do not have access to any newspapers. Like Tom Hanks, "I'm lost". Anyway I can't talk to you about any current world events. I'm currently doing a lawsuit right now. I haven't filed it yet, but either I'll send it out this Friday or the 19th for sure. I'm suing for some property replacements (which I probably won't get) among other things. I'm filing In forma pauperis but I still have to pay the 350.00 filing fee, which I don't have, but if I do get any money they will extract 20% of the total until the fee is paid. I really hope I win because I don't think I'll survive 4 or 5 more years maybe less (because I come back up for parole in 2010). 12-11-08It is really starting to get cold up here doing a lot of raining. It's cold outside, it's cold inside. They actually have the air conditioner on. Year round. I hate cold weather. I love the sunshine. I'd give my right arm to be outside these walls in 100 degree weather. No air blowing just pure heat. But that's for another day. It pretty much starts getting cold in August and it stays that way until around the end of March or the beginning of April. I'm in north Texas up close to Dallas. Now up around Houston, it stays hot. 12-12-08Another year is upon us. You know when you're young you can't wait to grow up. It seems like it takes forever. Then when you finally do become an adult, it seems the years start to speed up. I've been down here this time 17 years (March 30th 09) and it seems like I just started my sentence. I sit back and fantasize about what I'm going to do when I get out, everybody does (not about what I'm going to do, but what they are going to do) it's human nature. I'm going to go get me about 10 pounds of ribs. All the things they don't feed us down here, I'm going to eat it when I get out. My cellie was telling me that calamari (fried octopus) is good, but after seeing those detestable cephalopods, I'll have to respectfully decline. That's all that is on my mind when I get out, that and going to report to my parole officer. They way they feed us, it's a joke. Not only is it cold, but the portions are physically mendacious to the abdomen. 12-13-08Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I sit up and listen to these offenders talking about not going back to the freeworld and being a productive member of society. They're talking about going back out there to break the law. I can't do it. I don't even know if I am ever going to get out of this sentence. If I do, then they don't have to ever worry about me anymore. 12-14-08I guess you've probably noticed that my entries are getting shorter by the day. The reason being, I've given you my life story in the nutshell for the last 42 years. What goes on behind these bars is pure madness. I want to tell everything about everyday life back here, but to do so would only disrespect whoever reads this in the public. That is not my goal. My goal is to do a journal for 365 days straight and if I have to be redundant to achieve this, then so be it! But by the same token, if I feel that I can share something with the public without being obscene then that's what I shall do. I'm only given the opportunity to send out 5 letters out for General + Legal (5 also). I'm ending my entry until next week. I have other things to mail out. Until next week. Happy Holidays. 02/17/09Well here I am once again. I ask myself the same question day in and day out and I still will not be able to extract any answer that will make any sense. I know misery loves company, but why do miserable people only find happiness in the misery of others? I mean if something goes wrong in my life or not the way that I perceive that it should, I'm not going to take my frustration out on the next person. That is not only uncalled for, but it's wrong. My oldest sister Nancy, she wrote me a couple of weeks ago with the knowledge that her and her boyfriend of 13 years (Steve) had broken up. Yet she also let me know in no uncertain terms that the reason she hadn't written me back from mid-December was because she started not to write me back. Why? Because she claims that I'm always complaining about this or that. I answered her back and told her point black. If you don't want to write then that's up to you. When you tell me something about a family member and I give feedback to your innuendoes, don't accuse me of backbiting. I don't know what's going on unless someone tells me. The real reason that she made the statement was because she's angry that she and Steve aren't together. Which is understandable, I mean you gave 13 years of your life, but the fact remains, it's wrong to look for people to kick because things in your life are messed up. I've been here 17 years and not once have I accused anybody of causing me to be here. I broke the law and I'm held accountable for my actions. Every fully evolved man (or woman) is able to take anger at one person or thing and instantly redirect it to any new person or thing, using it to achieve dominance, control, or any goal they seek. Anger should not be an emotion that gradually [grows] at each new justification, nor should it be held in the hart and nurtured, under control but sustained, so that the full white-hot power of it can be instantly tapped as needed, whether or not there has been provocation. 02/18/09Today I don't feel like doing anything but laying up. There's nothing to do back here except lay around. I've been hack here in high security for 6 months and I've gotten back into the groove of being lazy. Outside of my legal work and spades I do nothing. I think I may be going back to population next month, which I can refuse. I [have] lots of legal stuff to do and can't do them in population because there are too many distractions: work, dominoes, T.V. etc. If I wait the extra 6 months, I will try to go back to the dorms. 02/19/09Another monster day of legal work. I've been up all day and I am tired, but I wanted to check in before I went to sleep. I set a goal to at least write a note, if nothing more, everyday for a while year. I start doing stuff, I get sidetracked easily. It doesn't take much. Like if my cellie grabs the cards, no matter what I'm doing, I stop to play cards. Then later on I kick myself for being "weak." 02/20/09I hope that someone decides to write to me. If for nothing more than to say hello or whatever. People always talk about they don't need anyone. That's their ego talking. Everybody needs somebody from the cradle to the grave. I haven't had a legitimate penpal (someone who writes all the time, instead of just when they are having a problem) since 1987 and that was someone I knew before I had gotten locked up. If I don't get one, then I guess it wasn't meant to be. 02/21/09I know this journal is supposed to focus on me and not other people. but it's hard to do that when all that is on my mind is other people. Family. My family members are so dysfunctional. Some of the things I've been told over the years is sad as well as pitiful. How can you claim you don't smoke crack cocaine, which my sister Ida has been doing for 10 years ever since she got out of prison. She's still a prisoner of that drug. The whole time she was telling me that everybody (enemies) were lying on her. She hasn't written me since march of 2007. I've written numerous letters but she doesn't answer. The reason: She says he might be mad at me for not writing. regardless of what a person thinks, they won't actually know what a person is thinking, unless they ask or are told. I can assume something all day, but that doesn't make it true. Does it? No. That's just a cop-out. 02/22/09Today is my baby sister's (Sharon's) birthday. She turns 39 today. She's the one who told me in 2000 that she was going to send me some money. I haven't gotten the money yet. I haven't heard anything from her or about her since then. Nobody tells me anything, which is hurtful. Because no matter if I get money from them or not, I still love and care about them. Back then I was told by Nancy that Sharon was smoking crack too. I don't know, but I know all 3 of them are sick with diseases ranging from hepatitis to HIV to cirrhosis of the liver. I had to grow up quickly, that aside I never really established a childhood relationship with my sisters. I haven't seen Sharon since she was 14 (1984), Ida since she was 21 (1989), and Nancy since she was 27 (1992). Now that I have gotten older, we all have, that's not something I can go back to, the days of innocence. Well, today is another week (Sunday). I'm sending this out 02/23/09, so you should receive it about Wednesday. 02/23/09Well, here I am for another week of writing. There's nothing much going on around here. It's boring, boring, boring. I like to keep my mind busy on anything constructive. I love doing math. I do not have any property because the administration stole it in March '08. That's why I'm in the process of doing a lawsuit. I really don't know what I'm doing, but what do I have to lose by trying? If I do nothing, then they get away with it. Hopefully I get a sympathetic judge and he makes them pay for my stuff. 02/24/09During the course of this journal, several times I have been tempted to stop. Seriously. The point being, life in prison is boring, I know some people want to know about prison, yet some people don't. I mean people want to know what's going on yet they don't want to be disrespected with "all" of the going ons in prison. That's why a lot of times people will and are going to be redundant on their entries. Believe it or not, prison is boring. 02/25/09Today I was running line with my neighbor and I was at the bottom of my door. Well I saw a shadow at the bottom and heard somebody say, I need your I.D. card. My heart stopped because running line is against the rules. I thought it was the guard. Well it was the commissary manager come to let me know that I was getting a free fan. See, there's an organization called C.U.R.E. Fan Project. If you've been indicted 6 months or more, you sign up and they give you a 21.0" fan. He needed my card to make sure I didn't have any money. Now all I have to worry about now is getting my other property that was destroyed by my ex-cellmate. I know I don't have to, but I am going to write and thank them (and their volunteered donations) for making it possible for me to receive the fan. 02/26/09Well it's almost another month gone by. These days are going by so fast. It seems like it was only 2 months ago that we had the World Series, and now a new baseball season is upon us. I really hate that because I want to be able to listen to any of the games. Thanks to my ex-cellie breaking my stuff. Every time I think about it, it makes my blood pressure go up. What can I do? Nothing! And I know being upset about it isn't going to get me more property. 02/27/09Well I sent my lawsuit in to the courts with all the necessary paperwork: motion for appointment of council, etc etc. Well I got a note and an order from the court that they did not receive my civil complaint, but out of the approx 140 other seats of legal work I sent to them, they got it. I find that hard to believe. I sealed it up in front of law library personnel. They had no reason to steal it. Then you never know about these people. They gave me 20 days to get another copy to them or they will dismiss my claim(s). Much as I hate to believe it, I think the courts stole it. I do not think I'm going to make the deadline, but I'm sure going to try. 02/28/09Got my classification papers today. I go to UCC on 03/05/09 to see if they are going to release me back to population. I know they are, so before they do I'll just tell them I'll go ahead and do another 6 months. I've got too much stuff to do with this lawsuit to be in population. Then they may try to make me go, which I will go ahead and do. 03/01/09If I never would've cursed the capt out, I would of gotten my minimum custody back on march 21st. I can't believe it's been a year since I got into that altercation with him. I saw him a couple of months later and he was acting like we were long lost relatives. I don't blame him for what happened, I blame myself for letting him cause me to get out of character. Those people play mind games, and in order for you to win sometimes you have to play by their rules. They can't win every game. But by understanding the psychology of a man does not excuse his conduct. 03/02/09The most difficult thing to do when you're stuck in a knot of adversity is to stay loose. If you try to resist, the knot gets tighter. Yet in adversity lies great opportunity, and always, of course, there is a bright side even when you aren't able immediately to see it. 03/03/09So much of life is beyond individual control. It is especially true here in prison. You can't do what you want to do here. Events fall haphazardly (lockdowns, escapes, riots, etc), taking us this way and that without asking our permission. When we find ourselves in such dire circumstances, we finally realize that the only power we ever truly have in life was not power over events or power over other men, but power over ourselves. True power is the talent for self-control. 03/04/09I am really behind on my journal writings. I mean I usually send them in at the beginning of the week, But I probably won't send this one in until Friday, which is like two days away. I don't know, I'm always tired. I have some sores in my head. I didn't know what they were. They are dry, but they still bleed. Anyway, I was reading this magazine and it was talking about disorder called sarcoidosis (aka the masked imitator). A Dr Valerie Callender, MD, Clinical Asst. Professor of Dermatology at Howard University. Exactly what she is saying is that my symptoms "red fleshy nodules composed of inflammatory cells surrounded by fibrous or scar tissue." I have these things all over my head. They are like sores in the scalp and they itch continuously. You touch them and they bleed. I showed the nurse them and she said that it was dandruff. How many people do you know with dandruff who's head (scalp) is bleeding al the time? I know none. They told me on the 20th (of Feb) that I was going to see the doctor on the 26th. I have not seen anybody. I had this problem in Nov through April '06 and '07. 03/05/09Well I went to my hearing today and as expected, they told me 6 more months. I expected them to do that, so I'm not too messed up about it. I don't want to go do any field work anyway. Besides, I don't really have to worry about getting a case, unless I have some extra necessities. Well until sometime next week. I gotta go get on top of this legal work, because I know the enemy is hard at work trying to discourage my activities. 03/06/09Hello gang! Here I am once again for another week of journal writing. I'm enrolled in the math program of Ithaca (Cornell University) because I love math and I may learn something about something I don't know. I got my results back and I passed (83%) and received a certificate. Received my second packet and it's hard, but I'm not going to give up. I won't lie, it has my head hurting. And here all this time I think I was a math whiz. I know a lot of what you call math tricks. Easy ways to arrive at answers. Say, for instance you want do to 11 x 45. Split apart the 45, adding them together (4+5=9), put the sum (9) in the middle of the 45. Or take say 28x99. Subtract one from the 28 (27), 28 and 72 equals 100. So the answer is 2772. If I ever got this math figured out, I could figure out something to keep me interested. 03/07/09Woke up with another headache. No not because of the math, because I'm tired of eating watered down peanut butter and spoiled luncheon meat. I know those people in Somalia are starving to death. They probably wouldn't eat this slop. Whenever I do get out, all the stuff they give us that's supposed to pass as food, I'm never going to eat any of it again. I don't care who cooks it. 03/08/09Well I have about 3 more weeks for my 17th anniversary in here on this sentence. I doesn't even seem that long. I've got 23 years left on my sentence. I hope to make my parole next march, but I don't think that I'm going to. Without going into too much detail, I had an altercation with an offender who's a crip gang member while in population in Aug ('08). Anyway, he made all these big boy threats. I've already been though the channels of communication to address these problems with the administration. Yet they think it's funny and want to play mind games. I sent classification A and case letter a month ago. They had it when I went to classification yet they didn't mention it nor give me the opportunity to do so. So I don't know what to do. I've done all that I can do. I guess I'll just leave it to a higher power? We are supposed to get a tray in the morning. You notice I didn't say hot. There's a very good reason for that, because it's never hot. I don't care though, I'll eat cold food. I hope they have pancakes and peanut butter (and coffee). I'm tired of these Johnnies. 03/09/09I saw the doctor today and he told me I had ingrown hairs in my head. The follicles are turning back into their little holes and that's why I have all these little things in my head. He was about to inject some steroids into my head but changed his mind and instead ordered me some Selenium solution shampoo and some antibiotics, which aren't going to do anything for me. Like the last time. No this is not the 1st time I've had this problem either. 03/10/09The Federal courts are corrupt. I filed a civil complaint on 02/12/09. On 03/02/09 they wrote back and told me they never got my complaint but they got everything else. Then to add insult to injury, they stole one of my copies of the interrogatories that I wanted to serve on the defendant. I inadvertently sent it to the courts and got the original back but kept the copy and said they do not do discovery. They also told me that I had 20 days to file an amended complaint. Well they sent me a letter today after I finished my amended complaints (no doubt). And tell me that they received all of my papers. They never mention which papers, so I'm still going to send in the amended complaint, just in case. 03/11/09Well my cellie should be going to the next house pretty soon. Then I've got to get ready to adjust to another cellie. I hope they don't put another psych patient in here with me and he breaks this fan. I just got it like 2 weeks ago. 03/12/09Well this is the last day of the regular work week. I have so much stuff to do this weekend. It doesn't even feel like I've done anything this week. I've accomplished a lot this week though. I am mentally exhausted, not getting any sleep. The people are starving us. If not so much as the officials it's the kitchen workers too. Shame on them. Till the next episode. 03/13/09Well here I am again. You're probably wondering why you are not getting this on the 16th or 17th. Well I won't be allowed to send anymore letters until the 19th or 20th because I have already exhausted my 5 letters for the week. But instead of me sending one week of writings, you'll get almost 2 weeks. I have to make every envelope count. If I was financially stable, then I'd write letters all the time. Just wanted to let you know why you didn't get this as promised. 03/14/09Another boring weekend. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. My cellie lays up in the bed play opossum most of the time. My cellie is a real character. We have the same time (40 years), but he just started his. And to add insult to injury, his first day in prison, he got an attempted escape charge for having a handcuff key stashed in this bible. he says that he has to do at least 20 years to come up. I think it's more like 80%. Either or, he's 44 years old, poor health. I don't like those odds. 03/15/09I do not like being locked up on the weekends. Well I don't like being locked up period. But since I have no say in the matter. Anyway the weekends go by so slow and there's nothing to do but sit around. Right now we have to access to television. Close custody have no T.V. privileges and I don't have a radio anymore, so I'm just here. 03/16/09I know the courts were playing mind games. I previously told you they said they didn't get my complaint in February and I had to do it all over again. Well I did. I was supposed to send it out his week. Yet today I get a letter from them saying they received all my paperwork. They also sent me a questionnaire with about 30 stupid questions all of which I have to answer. I know they are stringing me along. They only ask about the incident (the fight). Nothing about the radio. Nothing about my legal work nor my other personal property they threw away after I wouldn't sign for it because they had molested it. 03/17/09I don't know why these people can't just admit they are wrong. Give me some of the confiscated property they already have and be done with it. I requested and they (the Unit) told me H - no. Any legal activates take their toll on a person, mentally and physically. Look at how many lawyers are bald headed (smile). 03/18/09I need to start getting some good news about something or other. All I've been getting is bad news. I guess sometimes people have to go though some things just to stay grounded. I don't like it, but what can I do? Dwell on it? I doubt it I guess you don't appreciate how sweet an orange is until you've tasted a lemon. Well this is my last entry for this week. This is about 12 days worth. Will send more next week. |