The journal of Kerry RolandTable of Contents:
Feb. 1, 2009Heavenly Father, What happened to January? Time has gone by so quick, why can't it go slow like when I was a child? Time has become so precious and very dear. It is time to spend with our family, loved ones, friends. We miss so much so much when we look to our own agenda. Life is to enjoy and make every moment special. Feb. 2, 2009Heavenly Father, Why does the government put fear in people? It upsets me when they do that. Especially with the homeland security. It is more like homeland sacristy! They get people to believe so that they can slowly take away our rights. People believe this baloney. I seen all of this in the military and exposed this junk, I say retrieve our rights back and put these people out to pasture! Feb. 3, 2009Heavenly Father, Today was a great day of blessing a young man in here had a birthday and when you are away from loved ones we tend to get depressed. But just to tell him Happy Birthday he lit up like the sun and became full of cheer. It feels good to make someones day. It puts a smile on my heart and face. Feb. 4, 2009Heavenly Father, Why do we turn away people who need help or helpless? Do we think that we are better than others? When the helpless come for help may act that they are the plague. This is so sad. I have experience this and still see it going on in here. I ask why? Why does this happen? Why are hearts so hard? What if it happened to them? Would it change anything? I am mad! Feb. 5, 2009Heavenly Father, This is a day of dreaming and put together dreams that had been on hold. But my heart jumps within me, when I know things are coming together and very quickly. even as I sit in this cold cell, it warms it up so greatly. There is hope but many fail to realize it. We have to hold onto everything in here, if not you get engulfed by the system. What a day to plan it is truly great. Feb. 6, 2009Heavenly Father, Why is it we get so comfortable in something and fear change? Why do we fear something that could be good for us? I like change, I am not the same person I was 6 years ago. I have ;earned not to be comfortable in anything, anymore. I find it suits me well. It keeps me prepared for all situations. These are not for us to fear but to hold on to. Feb. 7, 2009Heavenly Father, Today I heard something that was spoked by another. It upset many and caused them to leave. It had a lot of truth and people were upset. Truth can cut us to the heart. But it is how we take it. If we examine ourselves or we rebel against it. I think this is why people like to be comfortable and fear change. They are afraid to look at themselves. This can be scary. Something to think about and look at. Feb. 8, 2009Heavenly Father, I was in total disgust when I went to chow. Two men keep complaining about being in prison. But they talked of stealing, and getting over, on others. To me with this mindset they will right back. This makes me mad, that someone would go back to the same manure pile and wallow in it. To do the same thing, come back to prison. How foolish this thinking is. I am mad about this. What can be done? Feb. 9, 2009Heavenly Father, Boy I have a craving for some milk. Not just any milk, but straight from the natural dispenser, a Jersey cow. The cream mixed up in the milk, with the goblets of cream floating around making the whole experience the most. It brings out the tantalizing richness of the milk, as it coats the tongue and slowly makes its way down the gullet. How I miss fresh milk. Feb. 10, 2009Heavenly Father, Today things seem not to go right. All I could do is to see the good coming out of it and praise God. Some would get frustrated, and angry, for what? Take time to make lemonade out of lemons and praise God for all things and giving thanks. Feb. 11, 2009Heavenly Father, I am tired of all the rumors that go on around here. A person died, or this unit is going down for a "shakedown" or even people are getting released early. But it causes trouble and makes that person unreliable. Rumors can kill a person. I hate them worth a passion and we all get caught up in them. We need to check out before we speak! Feb. 12, 2009Heavenly Father, I am so mad, what has happened to quality? It seems that everything is made to throw away. Only to last only for a little while. What has happened to integrity of quality work? Pride in what we have done. How can I trust in somebodies work if it is done so cheaply? I can't turn loose horses I trained to someone when it is not what they wanted. Why can't others walk in the same integrity? How can pride in our work be prompted once again? Feb. 13, 2009Heavenly Father, How come we make excuses for the things we do, especially when we are wrong? Why can't we take responsibility for what we do? Instead of passing the "Buck" onto someone else, it seems that we have gotten good at passing the "blame" unto someone else. It makes me mad when people talk about integrity but not showing it. If we say something we should mean what we say instead of passing it on. Feb. 14, 2009Heavenly Father, Today is Valentines and it is hard when we can't celebrate it with our wives and girlfriends. But I think it is much harder on them because many of us should be there for support for them and providing for them. Yet those who are married, because they and even I have transgressed the law. If we love them as we say we do, we should stay away from wrong doing and prison. Not being selfish, but giving ourselves to them. Feb. 15, 2009Heavenly Father, Today was an enjoyable day. I brought a smile upon somones face who was down. It feels good to make someones day. If we all do this, I think the world would change greatly. Anger, hatred, racism, self-righteousness would fade away and love, harmony, joy, peace would move in. Let us all do this. Feb. 16, 2009Heavenly Father, Why is it we rebel against laws and rules that are set for us? After being incarcerated I see that they are set to protect us and others. I have learned if I obey the laws and rules, I am putting others before me. Wanting them having the best for them. I have grown in maturity when I realized this, and how important it is. It is something I look forward to daily, rather than being a renegade. Feb. 19, 2009Heavenly Father, What is going on in this world? A young man in his twenties had just been sentenced to 20 years in the Texas prison for beating his grandfather to death. What has happened to respecting and honoring our elders? I don't know but sometimes I think some of these kids could use a good butt whipping. So that they learn to respect others. I might be wrong, but I don't think so on this. Feb. 20, 2009Heavenly Father, Why are we so impatient? It seems we have to have things fast. Fast food, fast cars, fast money etc. What about taking time to get something? If we don't slow down I think we will pass ourselves and become totally extinct. I think I will slow down, and enjoy! Feb. 21, 2009Heavenly Father, Why is it that we tend to look at people different, and than alienate them from out "cliques"? Do we think we are better than anyone else? We all have problems, so why do we look at the problem instead of the person? I think we don't know how bad that person may be hurting and we "cut" him or her down for this instead of helping. Let me look at the heart Lord. Feb. 22, 2009Heavenly Father, Me, I'm not much of a sports fan unless it's rodeo or hockey. But it seems to me that people seem to esteem them highly and it seems hat they are in trouble. Me, it seems quite silly to raise up another person. They fall as we do, so why hold them up as "Gods?" They get into many scandals, and if they do something wrong it is out. What are we thinking? Feb. 25, 2009Heavenly Father, How does it come to be that someone talks bad about somebody, then acts as their best friend? To me it seems like a two faced man. This could be dangerous for people. The kiss from an enemy is deadly, it can cause us much pain, even jail time. We have to be on guard at all times and be discerning. It keeps us from falling in a deadly trap. Feb. 26, 2009Heavenly Father, It makes me mad that those who make the laws can't even abide by them themselves. But they don't want us to obey them. What makes me mad is that they think they are above the law, in which they make. Why do they do it? What makes them better than others? It is all confusing and it is because we allow it when we vote. So let's check out those before we vote for them. Feb. 27, 2009Heavenly Father, How I miss the power of a horse underneath me. Riding after cows, to have the feel of a larita in my hands, the sound of a barking dog. How I miss my trade, how I love to be free in all my ways and be in the weather, of all kinds. How I miss it so much. The sounds and smells. Feb. 28, 2009Heavenly Father, I miss the sounds of a cow bellowing, I could tell if there is trouble, or cooking for a calf or warning to others. How an animal shows sickness, that most people would never see. I miss the communication of animals, it is hard to live without it in a 8x10 concrete cell. 1 March 2009Heavenly Father, How I miss the outdoors ant the work that I did. The sights and sounds, smells. Even the dangerous situations. Sometimes I feel that I was born 130 years too late. For me to see a new born calf or colt it brings joy and the wonder of miracles. To see the northern lights, just plain simple. 2 March 2009Heavenly Father, It makes me hot under the collar to see people complain, about what they get. Many around the world don’t even get half as much as we do and they complain of the quality or how much. Sometimes I think they need to get what others around the world that is in prison. Some don’t even get anything. Why is it we complain? 3 March 2009Heavenly Father, How I miss the winter weather. The fresh icy air upon that bare skin. The crunch of the crust of the snow upon my feet. Something I can get us to, March and it is 80 degrees and it isn’t even green. And not once did we have any cold weather. To me something is not right about it. Not all would agree with me but it might not seem natural to have snow and ice. But we all have our thoughts I guess! 4 March 2009Heavenly Father, It makes me mad, I hear people talk and complain about something and won’t do nothing about it. If they complain they need to get off their hindquarters and do something about it. Instead of complaining and saddle that bronc and ride it out. I think most are afraid, to do something. But they need to do something or keep quiet! 5 March 2009Heavenly Father, I’m puzzled when someone gets into trouble, they look at the action. Why aren’t we looking at the rest of the problem? If we look at the root of the problem we might change things. It’s like a weed, if we don’t get the root out it keeps coming back. I think we do this we can rid of a lot of problems and even prisons. Maybe this has to be brought up! 6 March 2009Heavenly Father, This doesn’t make sense to me. Everyone wants unity, yet they argue about this and that. To me I think we need to put away all our problems and become naked before one another, and have this honesty pour out in truth. This I think would bring clarity to all things! 7 March 2009Heavenly Father, Things look so bad out there. People losing jobs, the stock market is down. Many people can't fend for themselves this day and age. Why hasn’t their parents taught them to survive off the land. It isn’t easy and can be taught, yet a person can make it. This society has become soft. Soft people perish and that isn’t good! 8 March 2009Heavenly Father, It bothers me, when being in prison, we write and people don’t write back. It is bothersome. Especially when they have their addresses in the resource guides. I would think that they would answer. If they are not going to answer that they would take their address out of the resource guides, if they don’t answer and can’t say we can’t help you at all. It gets very frustrating when we write and no answers. Please be courtesy. 9 March 2009Heavenly Father, It really irkes me that authority does what they want, it seems that the rules don’t apply to them. Yet they want everyone to obey. This is so contradicting and so very wrong. I think this is why this is why rebellions towards authority. How can we be obedient if they aren’t! 10 March 2009Heavenly Father, Why do we judge people by looks, or the past, even color. Why such hate? It makes me mad, that we do this to one another. Why are we afraid of these things? Is that we have a great fear of what people might see in ourselves. Do we have some things that we might think would make us less in their eyes, that might cause some hate towards us. Do we bring this hate up as a defense for ourselves. Maybe if we hack at ourselves most closely, at ourselves then we may be kinder towards others. 11 March 2009Heavenly Father, To me it seems so strange that people get all awed, or what I call plum stupid over celebrities or someone important. To me they are the same, people that do things different and exposed more yet they are people. They put on their jeans 1 leg at a time, they are the same as I see it and not special. What is to get excited over another person except my wife! 12 March 2009Heavenly Father, I was just looking at the last 8 years of my life. I am not the same person I was. I have noticed my thoughts and beliefs, actions are not the same, in fact they are 180 degrees from what they were. I actually like this and I feel much better, and I believe I think much clearer, to think with positive thoughts and even doing good to others. I’m not angry nor bitter or thinking of ways to get even. I do enjoy this, for I have peace, even in here! 13 March 2009Heavenly Father, I looked at something that was very upsetting. A man said that his child is grown and can do whatever. If we are parents we are I think are parents for life. They need advice and guidance throughout their lives so they need us. It saddens me that he thinks his job as a parent is done when they turn 18, your not a parent but a sperm donor instead. They need to grow up! 14 March 2009Heavenly Father, I am so disgusted. Why is it that people say they will do one thing when they run for an office, then when they get elected they do the opposite. Where is integrity of man in honorable positions? Why do they say what people want to hear then do what they said in the opposite thoughts. Where is hope in men? 15 March 2009Heavenly Father, Why do we fear things? Why is it something as being checked, cause trembling in us? What is there to be afraid of? I wonder, what if we cause our own fears, and it is not anything to be afraid of. What is there to fear if we look at it in a way that makes sense. If we see the whole picture when we look at it then what is there to fear then! 16 March 2009Heavenly Father, It makes me mad, our congressman and senate are covering up something big. They may be pointing at the bonus but, they are trying to keep something else out of the spotlight and their selves. Why are they looking at these bonuses, all of a sudden? I don’t know but I think we need new men and women in there. I believe we may have to set term limits on them so that we can get things done in our nation. Right now nothing is being accomplished. Too much crookedness! 17 March 2009Heavenly Father, Why is it not that we study history? Today is St. Patrick’s day and people in America are putting their own twist to it. In the United Kingdom it is a religious holiday. Maybe this is why many middle east countries are mad at us. Cause we hold nothing sacred anymore! 18 March 2009Heavenly Father, It makes me boil over, when we can justify in taking a life is so very precious and when that life has not even had a chance to even be born. This I think makes it worse. We want to stop. Death sentences, yet we say it is alright to kill an unborn baby. Something so very hypocritical about it. If we say what we mean about how precious life is and stop the death penalty then should we not also stop abortion. Murder is murder. Whether it is someone on death row or an unborn baby! 19 March 2009Heavenly Father, Some people feel that problems can’t be worked out or even talked about. But I think if we stop and listen to one another that it can happen. I know that I put myself first and nothing can get accomplished because I think my way is the only way. Hmmm! I need to listen and ask questions more before I start to say anything. 20 March 2009Heavenly Father, Fresh grass is beginning to poke up and it smells wonderful. Soon flowers will be coming up to add to such an aromatic air. But here in the Panhandle of Texas we also get a lot of dust smell. I do miss the mountains of Montana, where you get a potporrice of smells coming up all at once. What a delight to the nose, that brings back memories and reminders of what life is about. To enjoy! 21 March 2009Heavenly Father, Listening to the news and seeing people worried of what is next. I think we have become too dependant on things that give us comfort. Air conditioning, or soft chairs and couches. What if the country didn’t have electricity? What would they do then? If they would pull away from these things, and learn how to conversation and relationships we would realize we don’t need them! 22 March 2009Heavenly Father, What a pleasant day to soak up some sunshine for a couple of hours. How it smelled so good with the fresh grass and the rain in the air and somewhere in the distance the smell of wet dirt floated upon the air. How I miss the many smells of the air. The wafting smell of cattle out on the horizons and even the pigs which sneak through the air what wonderful smells and how much we miss when we don’t pay attention or get in a rush. 23 March 2009Heavenly Father, Today has been sad for I am not home to make my wife’s birthday special. It is so sad when we are not at home but here in concrete and iron, we should be more responsible in the things we do. To be husbands and fathers so we don’t miss these things. How much we miss in the concrete jungle. 24 March 2009Heavenly Father, I seen something that bother me and it was me. My attitude towards authority, with my thoughts toward some of them. If I want to stay out of prison this has to change, now! If not it would be easy to return in here and hold on to bitterness and anger. This scares me! Boy do I need help! 25 March 2009Heavenly Father, We have a sickness that is running rampant amongst us in here. But many of these men act like it is death. I don’t understand it because I rarely get sick. But children act better than they do, why? It is it that big of deal or is it something to attract attention. I don’t want to be uncompassionate but we as men should be able to handle what comes at us! 26 March 2009Heavenly Father, I don’t understand it! Here in Texas especially the Panhandle, people freak out with a little snow. They buy out the stores and it seems everything comes to a stop. It doesn’t make sense to me, being from Montana. Things go on like nothing has happened. Life just goes on and people adapt to what is happening in the weather. To us it is just another storm and we wait it out and keep on moving, like it or not! 27 March 2009Heavenly Father, What a day many think that they are something when they are given a little power. Why do we let things like this go to our minds. I been in a lot of positions and I have learned that to stay humble much can get done. If the ego gets in the way it hinders us and others. It is not worth it! 28 March 2009Heavenly Father, Why do we get so upset when things get out of place in our lives? It throws off every thing and it seems to disrupt our lives. I’m learning the hard way that if we just roll with it, it all turns out ok! If we don’t let upset JS and work it out we may learn something from it. 29 March 2009Heavenly Father, What causes us to fret over things that we have no control? I know I do and it bothers me when I can’t be in control. But I wonder if there is a reason not to be in control in things so that we may surrender? So that we can trust. So that we can roll our cares over to God! This may take away our stress also! What a thought! 30 March 2009Heavenly Father, I am puzzled why we hold on to pain. Why can’t we release it? Is it that we want to harbor this so that we can grow bitter? To me as I grow older these pains seem to keep me from growing as a person because I believe they “stunt” our growth. I also think we have great potential as people if we would turn our pains over to God and let him heal us. 31 March 2009Heavenly father, Why is it we blame others for our problems? I blamed others for me being here, but it was me that put me here. I think or at least me, I didn’t; want to see my problems and it was easier to blame others for my faults. It is so easy to pass the buck. We all need to look at self before we speak! |