The journal of Logan Rachal

Table of Contents:

Dec. 23, 2008

Well I've been putting off starting this journal for the right day but I want to get it there by the first also so here I sit today. I've never kept anything like a journal before so please don't expect it to be real great but I will try.

Well let's see, it's holiday season again, not really the best time in here. I guess after spending so many inside here they lose their magic. Just want them to pass so another year can get started. Then again I am thankful that I will have the chance to spend holidays in the free-world again. Lots of guys won't. Actually this past week has been a mixture of lots of feelings, hearing from people I hardly hear from and also not hearing from some others that I want to hear from, wondering what's going on out there.

Well before I go today, I want to introduce you to someone very special to me. His name is Nikki, he's my son. I left the world when his mama was five months pregnant with him, he's 3 now. I've never touched him but I do get to see him now and then and he knows who I am. I wanted to introduce him because there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking about him. Actually I pretty much think about all the stupid things I did to put myself here everyday. I did 10 " years down here and got out and was only out for 6 months and back now for a little over 3 years with a few left to do still. I'll skip all that stuff. It isn't that I just like being here or that I plan to be here all my life, just went really stupid. Anyway, I think I'll close this for today on that note, I don't want to over-do it. Thanks.

Dec. 24, 2008

X-mas Eve. Well tomorrow we get to eat good. One of maybe four times a year that we get to eat good. Guess that's a good feeling. It's really hard to have a lot of feelings regarding the everyday life in here. Things are so repetitive that your feelings are the same also. There are days that are worse then others sometimes but I can say today is ok, nothing going on within my 9x6 home. My time is done in administrative segregation, total lockdown 24/7. I'm sure in general population it's different and the days bring more changes and such. Got some cards tonight so that's a nice feeling. Might get to see my lil man this week so I'm anticipating that as I always do. I always wonder what kind of things he's going to say. Being almost 3 now he is just now starting to talk good. I always look for him to start asking about why I'm here and why I ain't there and when am I going to be there. I know one day those questions are gonna come. I hope I can explain things to him so he understands. Well let me close another day and say goodnight for night. Be back Tomorrow, Bye. Thanks.

Dec. 25, 2008

Well another Christmas down. Fried chicken and brisket. Not the usual meal for Christmas but good for us. Got nice and full so it was a good day. Wrap the night up with a really great basketball game, Lakers/Boston. I feel good today, not a lot of time to spend thinking too much and so that means not dwelling on being in here and away from my family. Of course I miss my family and would really love to be with them. Wish I was with my lil man. I'll keep my spirits good though knowing that one day I will be there. A lot of people are in negative moods so not much conversating going on, it's a quiet night. Nice for a change. I'll kick back and enjoy the peace. Goodnight and a Merry Christmas to you Journal. Bye.

Dec. 26, 2008

Here again. It seems like I'm thinking about writing in this "journal" all day long. Kinda odd really but I look forward to it. When I'm writing I feel like I'm getting away from inside here for a little while. I wish I had more to be into that would keep my head out of this space. There is nothing productive to do in here, being back here in "seg" is basically meaningless. I mean I can read book or listen to the radio but that is a lot of nonsense stuff too. You can only read so much fiction books before they get tiresome. The radio is the same, it's just good to block out noise. I really don't know exactly what I'm feeling or wanting, maybe just restless. Well today went by without any major incidents. I wanted to say that I welcome any letters from anyone. I know this isn't a pen pal site and I'm not trying to use it as one but I know that people are reading this stuff so I just wanted to throw that in. Anything to do with "outside" these walls is welcome greatly. I know my journal should be about this stuff but there's isn't a lot of daily activities to write about. So it's gonna be mostly my thoughts and such.

I hope that will be okay. Oh yeah, I've decided to call my journal "you". I don't know why but it just seemed fitting. Well I guess on that note I will say goodnight to you now. If I don't force myself to stop I will just rattle on. Bye you.

Dec. 27, 2008

Hey you. Well kinda bummed out, thought I might get to see my lil man. Maybe tomorrow. Otherwise another day. Temp dropped and it's getting cold! Being here on this unit is like being in a third world country or something. Might as well be camping outside. Oh well, it's life I guess. I'm thinking about seeing how long I can go without talking to anyone around me. Just to spend time tuning in to myself more. Not that I really associate with others around me much anyhow. Who knows, we'll see. Well time to sleep now, bye you.

Dec. 28, 2008

Greets you. Another weekend down. No visit today either. Oh well maybe next week right. Well this wraps up my first week of journal. I feel good about it, don't know what anyone else will get out of it but I know in just this first week it has made me look at myself a lot more and has given me something to focus on other than the everyday nonsense in here. Well nothing of much interest to write about today. Guess I'll wrap this up for tonight. I'll start a fresh week tomorrow. Bye you.

Dec. 29, 2008

Hello you. Monday again, only a few days left of the year. Good. Ready for the New Year. Today someone was life-flighted off the unit. Don't know what the cause was or anything, just can see the helicopter when it lands we haven't heard any details so probably nothing involving violence or anything. No telling really. Regardless of the why it gives me an eerie feeling every time I see it. Makes me think about not making it out of here. What a bummer that would be. There was a time that I honestly didn't care one way or the other and lived like it down here, I was young and really stupid and just had a whole different outlook on life, now there is so much in my life and I'm a totally different person than I was 10 years ago, hell even 5 years ago for that matter. Just want that chance again out there. All I think about is being a father to my lil man. Okay okay, well otherwise the day passed okay I guess. Pretty normal really. I'm thinking of writing a book. Well that's it for today, time to call it a night. Bye.

Dec. 30, 2008

Man today was just blah. Very boring day, don't feel much like writing nothing, really don't feel much like anything. Just one of those days I guess. No enthusiasm about nothing. Actually this everyday stuff is just tiresome. I'm tired of doing the things there is to do to pass time and etc. For example, sports/gambling. Being all into sports and keeping up with everything to do with sports and gambling and playing parlays and such, it passes the time and it's something to be into, something to study and keep up with. I will admit that I have been a sports fanatic and a heavy gambler also. Not to the point that it has been a problem and I win a lot more than I lose, but I consume all things sports, listen to sports stations on the radio all day and reading the paper daily and just all into it. Now I'm trying to get away from it. I want to get involved in something else, something productive. Being back here in segregation you're isolated and confined to your cell 24/7 pretty much. There's no type of schooling or anything like that available. Day in day out it's the same thing. Sports/gambling is a way to keep busy I guess. I just feel now that everything I do is useless. Guess I want to do something with some point to it. Anyhow, I'm sliding back from the gambling, been just listening to some games here and there and not gambling, really not even paying much attention. It leaves a big empty space though now. I'll find something, maybe I'll start my book. Sounds good. Find something to learn. Who knows, writing seems to help though, I see that when I really don't feel like doing anything at all or even talking if I start writing I keep having thoughts to write about and such. Well I guess that's enough for tonight. Bye.

Dec. 31, 2008

Last day of '08. I got a good feeling about the upcoming year. I really think something will give this year, don't know what it's gonna be but I just got a good feeling about this year. Guess time will tell. Either way I'm going into it with a positive attitude. Well it's going to get loud tonight. I'm just gonna kick back to myself and get lost in a few thoughts. Guess I'll put on the headphones to block everything else out. Okay well I should have a lot to write about tomorrow. I'm a go for now. Bye.

Jan. 1, 2009

Well it's here! Finally the holidays are over and the new year has started. Well last night was typical, lots of yelling, banging on doors, starting fires. Ha! It's always kinda entertaining to watch for a little while. You never run short of idiots in here so there's always something going on. I'm glad to get started on this year. I hope I'm not wrong about this year. I ate my blackeye peas today so hopefully that will help. Ha! We'll see. Still thinking about my book. Wonder if anyone would read it. Well Happy New Year you. I'm gone for the night. Bye.

Jan. 2, 2009

Happy birthday to my lil man. Today he turns 3. Wish I could see him and tell him how much I love and think about him. I know right now he don't understand none of this stuff. How can he though? I've never even touched him before. He knows me though and he knows I'm his daddy. I hope he don't think too much on that stuff. I figure at three he don't think too much on much of nothing past playing and eating and raising hell. Ha! Few more years and I'll be there for him. I'm hoping his mama will bring him this weekend. I got a hold of a newspaper and it saddens me to see how crazy people are. I'm made my mistakes and done stupid things and I've even spent almost half my life in prison but I don't understand how people can hurt people senselessly. I've never hurt anyone, never been in here for violence or related crimes, I'm not perfect by far and yes at one time down here I was mixed up with the life in here and wasn't a good person. I don't want to sound like I'm being judgmental or whatever but I read about some crazy stuff. I think the media should try to highlight more good stuff these days. At least try to even it out so when you read about a man killing nine people on Christmas or a mom killing herself and her kids you get to read about some people doing good things too. News is news and I believe it's all needed so we don't lose focus but more good news is needed these days I feel. Maybe it's just me. I only read the news every now and then when I'm able to get a hold of a newspaper, maybe people that read or hear the news everyday are so used to It that it's just norm to them. Being in segregation I don't see TV either so it's just radio. It keeps you from getting too far out of touch. When I got out in '05 I had done 10 " years and the last 4 were in seg. I only remember looking at the TV out there once or twice, think I watched the March Madness Championship. Seems to be a big deal to people out there. Hmmm.. I was thinking that it's easy to get caught up in everyday stuff and the repetitiveness of life that things are normal to us. In here it's extremely easy. Writing to you everyday is a big help to break that. Talking about the days really puts a focus on things. Make sense? Well that's all for today. Bye.

Jan. 3, 2009

Well a slow day. Oh yeah, the strangest thing happened today. This is gonna sound stupid but we got a banana today. Yeah, with our last chow. I have never in 14 years of being down here got a banana. Apples and oranges at holidays but that's it. Crazy. Okay I know that's not interesting but it was a pretty major deal around here. Ha! The best thing to write about at least. Sad huh. Otherwise today was pretty routine I guess. Trying to keep in good spirits even though I really feel angry cause I want to see my lil man. But I guess ain't nothing I can do. She'll bring him when she does. I guess I'm gone for the night. Bye.

Jan. 4, 2009

Man it's cold! Temp went from hot to freezing overnight and today is cold! Well everyone is hyped up cause it's storeday tomorrow. Everyone gets happy and friendly and in god moods. It's funny how something so simple changes attitudes. After store it's back to norm. Well I did it, I started my book. Just jotting down thoughts and ideas and stuff right now, I want to get a kinda rough draft or outline made before I start putting it together but I have started. I think this could be a project that lasts years. Ha! I enjoy doing it though, still not sure if people will even be interested but I'll worry about that when and if I ever complete it. I'm thinking of sending a pic of my lil man and maybe me to be with my journal so you all can see who's talking and see my lil man too. Okay well I guess it's been an alright week. Still alive so all's good. Bye you.

Jan. 5, 2009

Today was chaos. Store day always is. I guess the rest of the day was okay. Uneventful. I'm kind proud of myself, I haven't gambled in a good while now. With all the college and pro football going on and I haven't even had a desire to gamble. Really keeping my focus elsewhere. Today starts the third week of my journal. I'm really liking this. It's like having someone to write to everyday. Well I'll be back tomorrow. Bye.

Jan. 6, 2009

Well I fell asleep last night before writing to you. Guess I was pretty tired or something, laid down and slept all night so I'm up early now catching up on yesterday. Really nothing major to say anyhow, same ol' same. Actually I'm kinda worried about my lil man's mom out there. I usually hear from her fairly regular, just short letters about my boy at least. I've learned that when I'm not hearing nothing then most of the time something is up. She has issues she goes through out there now and then, she has vices that she gets caught up in. I don't want to paint her as a bad mother cause she isn't. I never have to worry about that. I'm the one locked up so I can't expect everything to be my way and I understand that. We get along pretty well, it's not a me and her thing but it's okay. I can say that I'm glad she's my lil boy's mother. I just wish she would get her life in order but then, who am I to say that right. Anyways hopefully it's just being busy and all that stuff. We'll see. Guess that wraps things up for yesterday. Bye.

Jan. 7, 2009

Back on track now. Today was slow, seemed like it dragged on and on. Got some mail tonight though from my lil sis. Sent some holiday pics also. It was good to get. It always feels good to get mail. Right now I'm homesick. Really Homesick, lots of things going on out there that I would really like to be there for. Of course you're always homesick in here but there are days that are worse than others. For the most part I know how to deal with it and kinda tune that stuff out. After so many years it gets easier but those days still come. Well I haven't worked on my book since the first day really, I guess I have mentally but that's it. I thought I was getting something started but I guess not. I want to write something that will help kids, something that will maybe keep them from being in a place like this. I got a lot of stuff to share and I think I could really help young teens and that's what I want to do when I get out and I want to write a book to go with that but right now I don't know how I could end it. I don't think I could properly end it until I'm out there. Make sense? But yeah I have a lot of ideas and dreams that I hope to be able to see them come true one day and in works. Guess I could take it as far as I can and just finish it out there, that actually sounds good to me, funny how that thought just came to me while writing about it. Matter of fact, it would be better if half of it was finished after I'm out. Okay so I guess I can go back to it. Maybe I was just looking for a way out of it. I won't quit on it though. I feel even better about it now. Okay well I guess that about sums up today's thoughts. Bye.

Jan. 8, 2009

Wow! A great BCS championship game tonight. Go Gators. I have a really dear friend who I know is excited tonight for the Gators. She's the reason I been a Gator fan the past three years. Speaking of which, I hope to hear from her soon. I been missing her letters, kinda worried about her. Hope all is well for her. Very loud tonight. Guess I will call it a day and get to bed. Bye.

Jan. 9, 2009

Man I'm drunk! Yep, I don't think I'll be writing much tonight. Ha! I should've wrote earlier before I decided to drink. Don't know why I'm even drinking cause I can't stand this stuff. I'll regret it tomorrow. Bye.

Jan. 10, 2009

Oh man! My head hurts. It serves me right, I was woke up early this morning with a visit. Yeah I got a visit from my son's mom. Bright and early she shows up. Without my son too. My head is pounding still. I drank last night and don't know why. Homemade wine is awful!! I don't even like alcohol period. It was a spur of the moment thing, someone offered me some and I thought what the hell right. Might as well get stupid and that's exactly what we did too. Yeah it's against the rules too. It's not a habit of mine to break the rules too much but I'm no saint either. I'm surprised I wrote anything last night, ha! My visit was awful, well not awful because I enjoy seeing Chris, I wish my lil man was with her but we needed to see each other and be able to talk without lil ears around, I hate that usually that results in lots of crying and stuff. I don't like that and I try to keep it from happening but it does. Things are hard out there for her and things happen that I can't do anything about or help her with and it makes me mad. I had a friend that just got out and who is from my area and just went back out there after 10 years, I thought this was my true friend, someone who I've been really close to and trusted more than anyone and he gets out and is supposed to meet Chris and my son and let her know that he's there if she needs something and so forth. So he gets out and goes and meets her and all that and he's such a good friend he offers her some dope and tries to hit on her, yeah, guess he was just being friendly. Ha! Turns out he's a just a piece of _______. Fill in the blank with whatever fits best. This dude is supposed to be my ace duce.

I really thought this sucker was different than most dudes in here. Really makes my outlook on these dudes in here just suck you know. I know there are some good dudes in here and I know of some that wouldn't do stuff like that but it makes it hard to even get close to dudes. I should've known better really, I've been down here long enough to know and see it happen to others but I guess I wanted to trust this dude. I thought it would be good to have a true friend that kept it real, someone that Chris could go to if she needed someone. Someone that wasn't strung out and all that stuff. Figures though. I was proud of though, she told him pretty much what a piece of scum he is. Makes me feel real stupid though cause I been bragging on my bud in here on how he is out there doing good and doing right and all that and turns out I was wrong and the dude is trying to stab me in the back, well he did. Okay well enough of that stuff, oh well. I guess aside from that it was good seeing her. It's always hard when it's just us. With my lil man there we don't have to talk about serious stuff. She said she'd try to be back next week or the next with Nikki. That will be good. Visits like that are stressful and take a lot out of you. I hate seeing Chris cry too. I blame myself for all her problems out there. Plus we have a difficult relationship as it is. She's a good person though and a good mom and I can honestly say that she's my friend. Well I guess I'll close this for today, sit back and think a little and get to bed. I drink to remind myself why I don't drink that stuff. Ha! Serves me right. Okay well I'm gone.

Jan. 11, 2009

Well this concludes another week in here. Made it through with no casualties. I guess the week ended okay, got a visit and also got to let loose a little and have some fun. No harm done. I need to write Chris. I let that nonsense about ol' boy go, no sense in letting it keep me mad. Chris can handle that out there. Just another lesson learned I guess. Okay well bye.

Jan. 12, 2009

Well here it is starting another week. I've done absolutely nothing today. Not that there's a lot to do but I've just been pretty much slept all day. I hate sleeping a lot. I rarely sleep during the day, even when I'm up late. Don't know what was wrong with me today. I think it's the cold. It has been really cold lately. Maybe it was just the fact that I knew I was getting up to start another week in this place. No motivation. Actually I try to face each day and each week with some enthusiasm cause I think that's how people get caught up in depression. Seriously, I've seen lots of guys just quit, or give up and it's like they lose all their focus on life or something. I don't know exactly but I figure it works the same way in the free world too. That's why I force myself to do the things I do, get out of bed early and I work out and just try to keep my days busy as possible. Dudes call me "institutionalized", ha! I don't think that's what it is, I just see how easy it could be to get lost. But anyhow I did sleep in today and had to push extra hard to get going but I did it and I'm here writing about absolutely nothing. Ha! I hope I hear from my best bud this week. I guess I should write but I know she may be going through things and might not want to be bothered with me. I wrote for the holidays and sent a card and stuff, just hope she's doing well. Then too maybe she just don't want to write. I can understand that too. One thing I've learned over all these years is that time is a very powerful thing. Time will destroy things and can make some things better at the same time. Time will either make something or break something. That's with everything too. Nothing is the only thing unaffected by time. Well that's it for today. Bye you.

Jan. 13, 2009

I'm thinking that a lot of my writing is about nothing. Maybe if I only wrote once a week it would be more interesting. I know some days I really don't have much to say but I write something anyhow to keep up with the daily writing. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it and just do what I'm doing. That sounds good to me. I think that's gonna be the basis for this year, don't worry about it and just keep doing what I'm doing. Try my best at least. Mostly with the things I got no control over, seems it would be easy to do huh? Some reason I still let those things worry me and bother me. Well it's freezing and my hands are cold. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

Jan. 14, 2008

The day before store again, tomorrow will be hectic as usual. I wish there was a camera and recorder in this place, I think the public would be amazed and shocked at the stuff that goes on and is said in here in a typical day. It would be great reality TV. Some things still get me, it's crazy. I try real hard to stay off the run, the run is the "airwaves", we are all housed by ourselves and only get 1 hour a day out of the cell for rec which is leaving your cage and going into another for an hour, so the only interacting we do is by talking to each other on the "run", or writing kites to each other and so forth. I try to stay off the run and just stay to myself, it works best for me cause I have very little patience and get easily aggravated at stupidity. Lots of stupid conversation on the run. I get caught up sometimes though I admit, like when we drink, ha! Been known to get out there and act stupid on the run. I'm not any better than the next man in here, I don't think like that, some do, I do think I'm smarter than some but not better. I don't look down on anyway for not being smart, I just try to stay away from them. Anyways, more frivolous thoughts huh. Okay well I will go for tonight. Bye you.

Jan. 15, 2009

Store day, hectic as usual. Good times tonight though, someone just hollered and asked if I wanted to go to the club, think I will. Yeah I know, but I enjoy it anyhow. Until the next day of course but it's something to look forward to at least. So let me wrap this up and get ready, ha! Bye.

Jan. 16, 2009

well another pounding headache as usually. Yeah yeah, but it's just a small price to pay really. Had a pretty good time actually. Didn't get real stupid or anything, just kicked back and enjoyed it. That stuff is so nasty tasting it's amazing that we can even drink it. Ha! I hate the taste, but after a few it gets easy. It's cool to have something to look forward to all week, I know it ain't a good habit but I guess I could have worse ones. Really ain't no excuse, I enjoy it so I do it right. Dern, another week and I didn't hear from my friend, kinda got me down really, hope things are okay for her. Might sound kinda heartless cause why don't I just write right? I don't know, I just don't, she's a really special person and very dear to me but sometimes she goes through things and is busy dealing with them so I just wait. It just seems to work that way. I often think a lot that I just won't hear from her but then I guess if that's what she chooses then I respect it. It's hard fighting time and the changes that come from time and I just get to where I just quit basically. Just let things be what they are. Seems like it's always something and you're constantly fighting time, maybe that don't make sense but if you ever been away for a long time you would know. I bet the soldiers feel. I can't change nothing and have to get through this first before I can go on to something else. Then the desire to feel something is always there too. To feel something real. Makes you wonder what else there is really. Okay well I guess that's enough for today. Bye you.

Jan. 17, 2009

Another day, nothing much to tell today. Same ol' same as everyday really. You know I'm just tired of all this stuff. All the BS from out in the world and all the BS from in here too. Letting that stuff out there get to me just makes my time hard. Like I said the other day, I'm through with that stuff. I'm just gonna chill and do my thing and let all that stuff be. It'll still be there when I get out or it won't and there will be some new BS out there. All I'm concerned with is my lil man, other than that I just don't care no more. People think cause you're locked up that all you got to do is sit around and concern over all the BS out there and that you ain't got the right to just get tired of it and say to heck with it. I know time wears on everyone but it wears on me too. Sometimes I really want to know what's beyond this life. I wouldn't ever do no crazy stuff like hurt myself or any of that stuff but I just feel that there is a lot more to all this and I wish I could check it out sometimes. Might be missing out on a lot. I know as humans we are naturally led to value this life and fear dying but I don't believe that stuff about heaven and hell and all that, I won't get into my beliefs but I do wonder if we are just wasting our time. Then too I probably think too much and more than the average person cause I got more time too. I know if I was in the free world with my lil man and raising him and all that I would not ever think about leaving him and I would fear that. I want to be able to be there for him. I do know that there will come a day when I'm not and my time here will be done on this earth as we know it and I'll go on but it's time like these that I get to thinking I wish they would come early. Just get tired of this life I guess. Okay well I know I've went on enough today, I probably sound crazy, people are gonna think I'm a loon or something. I'll close. Bye you.

Jan. 18, 2009

Close out another week, I think this is my fourth week of writing, it has went by fast. Nothing today, just lazed around, kinda sorting thoughts I guess. Probably have more to say tomorrow. Hope so. I'm thinking of cutting my writing to once a week, see how it goes this week. Okay well bye.

Jan. 19, 2009

Starting another week, I said I would give this a try for another week so here I am. Holiday today, MLK Day, I would think that MLK would like to see this day, tomorrow the first black president will be put into office. Hmmm... I guess it's history being made. I have absolutely no feelings what-so-ever about it. Sound shallow? I actually did have some feelings about it all during the election but I wasn't for Barack, not because of color but because I don't feel he is real. But then they're all fakes right. Ha! I didn't think he shouldn't be elected because of color just as I didn't think he should be elected cause of color and I feel that is exactly what happened. But it's done and the great people have decided so be it. Now I have absolutely no care what-so-ever. I didn't vote and I'm not out there in the free world to be affected by it all so in reality I don't think I have the right to care. I will get out right in the middle of it all so I'm looking forward to seeing where we are then. I do hope that he succeeds though, for our country. Well enough of that stuff, people are sensitive about this stuff so I don't want to offend anyone. Today these brilliant guys in here got mad about something and decided they would flood the runs, overflow the toilets till the water is all over the place and in everyone's cell and just a big mess of water, until the officers turn the water off to the wing. So now they are hollering for the water to be turned on. Ha! This is all done against the officers, but the officers don't have nothing to do with none of it. They don't clean it up or any of that. Ha! Sharp as bowling balls. Okay well that's all for today. Bye.

Jan. 20, 2009

Nothing today really, pretty boring day I guess. Our pres will be sworn in. Great! Even better than that, we have water today. Ha! That will show them officers. This is why I stay to myself, and also drink. Okay well I guess I will close this for today. Bye..

Jan. 21, 2009

I'm at a standstill on what to write today. I did absolutely nothing but read a book all day long. Not that I do a lot anyhow or really have much to say but today was just a waste. I guess most of the days in here are just that, a waste. I did have an absurd feeling today, I was thinking how these places are really needed and I'm glad for our prison system. Yeah, this is coming from someone with over 14 years of time done. I heard a conversation on the run that sparked this thought, actually it was a lot of conversations today and in the past, just the normal talk you hear. But yeah I'm glad that we have our system, I've never been one to be mad at the system for me being here, I know why I'm here and I know that my behavior down here is why I have done a lot more time than needed so I don't blame the system or the police or any of that. I do think that our system needs to work on our parole system and stuff cause there are guys doing way too much time but that is a different though, I'm glad that some of these guys are here and I hope that some of them never go home. Saying that would be the cardinal sin of prison but it's true. A lot of people are right where they need to be and deserve to be. Just a thought I had today, I try to share some of my thoughts cause really that's all I can share except for a few petty things that happen around here, but it's mostly just thoughts and thinking I do in here day after day. I'm sure some people have lots to talk about and share their daily activities and so forth but living in a box 24/7 don't have lots of activities. Sorry if my journal sucks. Well bye for today.

Jan. 22, 2009

Went outside today, wow! I haven't been outside in over 3 months. Our outside rec is usually at 6 in the morning and it's way too cold. Today they were running late so I went out to get some fresh air. It was nice. Just another cage but it's outside. Glad I went, maybe I'll get another chance this year. When it's hot in the summer I will. Well that's today's excitement. It did make for a nice day though. Bye you.

Jan. 23, 2009

Man this week is dragging on at snail pace for real. Long slow week. I got a letter from my lil man. Well from his mom but she gives him a marker and he will squibble all over a piece of paper and it's great. They're the best letters I get. I may not be able to read them but they say a lot to me. I'm glad she does that. I'm getting ready to come up for parole again this year, I need to at least write a letter on my behalf, for whatever good it does anyhow. Man I just hope they let me go this time, I still have to go to another facility and do another 13 months after this so I need to get this done so I can go there. I don't expect it to happen this year though. I still have to get some stuff settled first, I have to get out of segregation and the only way for me to do that is to complete this program they say. I'm in administrative segregation because they have me labeled as a member of a gang in here. Yeah, at one point in my life I was just that but I am not now and haven't been for some time. Another mistake from being young and dumb in prison at 18. I'm trying to do all I can to rid myself of this label and to get out of here. Bye.

Jan. 24, 2009

I think that my mom is sick, I'm not sure what exactly it is but I know that she isn't in good health. She won't tell me nothing, I just know. I know she's not telling me so that I won't worry over it but I still do. More than anything it makes me mad at myself, I don't want to be here if something happens to my mom. Hell I don't even know what's wrong with her but everyone else does, guess it wouldn't matter being in here I can't do nothing for her. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my mom while I'm in here. I try to just leave that stuff out there but I can't, it's what I fear the most. Bye.

Jan. 25, 2009

Closing out another week. Glad too. Seems this week lasted forever. Guess there really isn't much to write about today. Just a boring Sunday. Well bye.

Feb. 23, 2009

Here it is the last week of this month, a good start to this year, it's moving fairly fast. Great! I hope it keeps going fast. Well another boring Monday. Nothing to write about. Right now is one of those rare times where everything seems to be going right. It never lasts long but it's okay even for awhile. I think I'm gonna try to dedicate about three hours tomorrow to meditating, yeah I'm still trying. I want to get me a regular everyday schedule for meditating. It's hard to have a regular anything in here. I got a time picked out when it's quiet as it's ever gonna be, see how it goes. Well bye.

Feb. 24, 2009

I got a letter from someone tonight that was a surprise. It was from someone wanting to know about being locked up, she just lost someone she cares about to the system, he's locked up and she is worried and wanted to know about things. It was a good letter, I enjoyed it. I felt like some kind of councilor though. I tried to tell her the facts the best I know. They6 are in a different state so I don't know how things are there but I did the best I could. The sad thing is though that from the sound of it the guy might not be ready to give up the life that put him there, I don't know if thats the case or not but he's been locked up before she knew him and he didn't last long. She's hung up on him so who knows. I hope the best for them. I was just weird, I thought, to get that letter. Really ain't nothing to write about but it was interesting. Other than that I guess it's all the same here.

Feb. 25, 2009

Well here it is another store day, great! Actually it's the day before and it's like an holiday as always. It always is crazy to me how something so simple makes people change their whole attitude. Oh well, I guess I will get ready for store. We should be locked down any day now, I would expect. It's right at that time., I have a friend who is in the world and she is HIV positive and she is sounding really depressed and it hurts my heart to hear her like that. I don't know what to say to her when she is like that, I love her dearly and she is a wonderful person, a little crazy but you got to love her. I wish I could help her out. I don't here from her much but I still try to write to her when I can but she moves around a lot. I just heard from her so I need to write her back. I try to block out the outside problems, but I can't block her out, she don't have too many people out there.Sometime she cares me with her talk. I wish I could get her some people to talk to that also understand her situation. It isn't the HIV that bothers her, it's the loneliness. Hell I know the feeling. Well I guess I will get a letter to her tonight. Well bye.

Feb. 26, 2009

Oh man, store day. Like a mad house around here. It seems like I been in some kind of dazer lately. Just here. I don't really have no desire to do nothing, haven't been able to stay focused on nothing long enough to do anything except just be here. When I think of something to do and go to do it then I'm stuck. I think I may have some type of mental problem. Ha! That's all I need in my life. I don't know, I guess it just gets like that from time to time. Like now I really don't have anything to say. There's nothing to write about. I still haven't wrote my friend back and I need to do that. I tried last night but just couldn't get into it. I need some change real bad. I think I'm too restless to the point where I can't concentrate on nothing now. I have no interest in none of this no more. I'll stick to my journal though, for some reason I enjoy writing this much anyhow. It's like talking to someone, not sure if anyone is listening but don't guess that matters huh. Well bye for tonight.

Feb. 27, 2009

Here comes another weekend and also ending another month. They're flying by pretty fast. That's good. Well it's a boring Friday and I'm sure the weekend will be the same. Not much to write about, went outside this morning and it was real nice. Got a good workout in also, think I'll crash early tonight. Bye.

Feb. 28, 2009

Well another day, another weekend. I still don't seem to have much desire to do much except just exist here. Ha! Guess I'm just tired of all this, same in day in day out. Get up, walk around the cell, read, do some exercising, listen to the radio or talk about absolutely nothing and go to sleep and do it again the next day. You do this for years and it gets to be real tiresome. Oh well, maybe they will come down the run tomorrow for breakfast and just shoot us. Bye.

Mar. 1, 2009

The best time of the month, when it ends and another starts. It lets you know that time is moving at least. This year started off moving fast. Great. Need a few to go quick before I completely lose my mind. May be too late huh. Ha! Well nothing new, it's been a lazy Sunday. All is okay though for the most part. Well bye.

02 March 2009

Back to Monday. I'm getting bored with my journal; there isn't nothing to write about. I've been so frustrated lately and restless that I don't do much of anything, same stuff everyday, which there isn't anything more to do. I just don't have the desire to do anything. At least nothing that's worth writing about. Okay well I will stick it out this week and see if I can get myself out of this rut I'm in. Bye.

03 March 2009

Something I read tonight in the paper really hit me hard. I was reading about homeless kids in school. Kids that stay in shelters with their folks. That's got to be real hard on those kids, hell being homeless is enough but I'm sure going to school is rough. Hell I know that there is a lot of kids out there that really got it bad and a lot of people in general but that just hit me hard. I would've never thought there was so many. It's stuff like that that pushes me in wanting to help kids. I know it's what I'm gona do. It might just be solely volunteering but I'm going to. From drugs to crime to just needing help. It doesn't matter. Kids really get to my heart. Even growing up I always loved kids. I'm not trying to prove nothing to nobody or get out there. Try to keep them from filling these prisons. I actually have a lot of ideas, this is something I think a lot on, its just a matter of getting out there to do it. There's a lot of people out there that help kids and stuff, a lot is done with religion and such, I'm not into that but I'm sure I can find someplace to start. Maybe get some other involved also. I got good plans. Actually it frustrates me to think about that stuff cause you can only do so much thinking about something, next is putting it in motion and that is the hold up and it's frustrating.

05 March 2009

I heard from a friend tonight that I haven't heard from in a good while. It was nice to hear from them. Seems she has had some rough times. I hate hearing that. Seems a lot of people are having rough times these days. I did some meditating this morning and really had a good feeling about it all, I just got some info I been waiting on with some answers and a lot of help about meditating and it was real useful. Helped me a lot and I got a little program I'm gona work hard to stick to now. Well it's outside rec in the morning and it's supposed to be really nice so I guess I'll go. Need to get some rest now. Bye.

06 March 2009

Another weekend here, nothing much going on as usual. Maybe the weekend will bring something interesting. I think we are on borrowed time for now cause our lockdown is coming any day now. I figure anyhow, it's that time. I hate having all my stuff trashed. It seems like they put too much into just trashing your stuff more than looking through it for contraband. But then that's all part of it I guess. Should've stayed in the world huh? Yeah I know. It still makes me mad anyways. Well that's all for tonight. Bye.

08 March 2009

><date>07 March 2009</date><p>Finally heard something from my lil boys mom, he's doing okay, I wish I could see him, maybe my sis will bring him soon, I don't expect his mom to bring him any time soon. I would prefer she didn't but if so then that's great but I would rather my sis bring him. Seems like when his mom comes all she wants to do is argue about dumb things. There isn't any reason for us to argue, don't know why she likes to. Oh well, hopefully it won't be long and I'm out of here. Well bye.</p></entry><

Well it was just another dull weekend, nothing new or interesting. Went outside today, it was pretty nice out there. I got a feeling that we are gonna be in for a really hot summer this year. I feel like I'm in a third world country or something, the weather outside is what we have to deal with in here. I do prefer to be hot then cold though. I really think it's a mind thing also, if you dwell on the heat or cold then it's worse then if you just go on about things and not worry over it. At least it works for me in the summer. Well let me bring this week to a close for now. I'll try to have some better writing next week. Bye.

16 March 2009

Well another store day, Great! Getting started on anotiher week. I guess it started off okay, nothing major going on. Actually we had a big debate on the run about our past affiliations. A guy that just recently got over here, which means he just laid his patch down. Well he heard someone on the run talking about the family he was in and he jumped up to defend it and it turned into an argument of sorts, he isn't no longer apart of that but after spending so long with it he felt the need to defend it. Everyone over here with me are exes and no longer with that bullshit and he is to but I guess it was just natural to jump out there. After hearing them argue I talked to the dude cause he's someone I'm okay with and so I gave a little advice best I could. People can say whatever they want to, it don't pertain to us no longer. Guess you would just have to understand our situation back here to really comprehend. Anyhow it was okay and he knows it don't matter no more. Just takes time to get used to it all. We all were the same way when we laid it down. Why I say family I don't know, just habit I guess cause it wasn't a family, it was simply a gang. Nothing family about it. Okay well I guess that enough for today. Bye.

17 March 2009

Well today was a mess, I don't know what is going on here, today they came and harassed us some more. Seems like they been really wanting to stir us up. Today they went around with rubber hammers banging on the bars on our cell fronts and all that stuff checking for loose bars or whatever. Sounds like something that would be common huh, well, it isn't here, especially at 6 in the morning. I guess other then that things are okay for the most part. I heard from a friend of mine that I haven't heard from in a pretty good while. It was nice hearing from her. Glad to hear she is doing okay. Kinda surprised me though, it's been awhile. Oh yeah, my buddy got a letter from his sis and she told him that he was lucky to not be out there, Ha! I was just talking about that the other day. That's got to be the craziest thing I've heard said. We in here sure don't felt hat way. Not the majority anyhow. Is it that bad out there? Well I guess I will close for the night. Bye.

18 March 2009

Lately I been having trouble sleeping at night, so I got something from a buddy of mine that he said would help me sleep better, I won't ever do that again, I feel like total crap. I feel like I been run over or something close to that. My head is all foggy now and I can't even write good right now. Bye.

19 March 2009

well I feel a little better today, still feel foggy headed and kinda stuck in slow motion. I don't know what it was but I know it's hard to kick, I slept good but I would rather not sleep then to feel like this. Never again for me. I don't usually make it a habit of taking stuff but I thought it would help me to sleep better. Oh well, I'll just have to stay up. Other then feeling like crap all day nothing much happened, same as usual, my head is too foggy to think much about anything so I guess I will go and hopefully I will have it kicked by tomorrow. Bye.

20 March 2009

Okay, feeling better, good as new. The weekend is here, lots of college basketball, march madness! This is the best of all sports to me. I love it. Even without gambling, it's awesome, maybe even better. Hmm'first day of spring. Who cares. Ha! I had to take a step back today and just chill, we had an officer working today that is a total jerk and he tried to steal my cool but I didn't let that happen. There isn't a lot like him but there is a couple everywhere. They like to get you out there so they can screw you over. Funny thing is though that I been here longer then them so I won't let that happen, maybe 10 years ago but not now. I can let it go and not entertain that stuff and that makes them feel real stupid, Ha! Oh well I'm gone.

Wrap up another week today. NASCAR and basketball. Great! Another nice day, good day to sit and look out the windows. Not much to see except razor wire and fence, but you have to look beyond that and you can see trees and stuff, it don't look bad then. Maybe we will get some rec outside tomorrow, that would be cool. Need some fresh air anyhow. This week has been boring, I think I been in a hurry to get it over with. Got some things going on that I should hear about this week so I been rushing through this week. Okay well I'll close today and get this out. Bye you!

Starting another week, this month is pretty much over with. Good! Things are quiet today, guess that's good. It's store week so there will be plenty of drama later on in the week. They keep putting this certain officer over here on our wing for some reason and he's a real pain in the ass. That's putting it nicely really. Dudes got a real messed up attitude, it's always something when this dude is over here. This is one that goes out of his way to screw us over. Matter of fact, he once said, "I spent half my life putting people like ya in jail so now I'll spend the other half keeping ya in jail." That's his attitude. He's new really and I guess he's trying to show off for the rank or something. Me myself, I just stay out of the way, I don't even acknowledge the dude or pay any attention to his dumbass, but that's cause I don't want to get in any trouble, but he will get what he's looking for sooner or later. Everyone in here ain't trying to go home. He'll push the right one. This job seems to make people act way different then they do in the free world, out there they wouldn't ever speak to people like they do in here. I guess it's a power thing. Oh well, they can have it, I wont let none of these officers steal my cool, or inmates for that matter. Well bye.

24 March 2009

I got a couple buddies next to me, well actually one is my neighbor and the other is his neighbor but we kick it with each other, I was just thinking that between the 3 of us we have about 59 years of flat time in this system. Man that's crazy to me. None of us has ever had a violent crime. It sure ain't nothing to be proud of that's for sure. When I think of all the wasted time I've done it kinda makes me sad, or mad really. But it's okay, I need it to make me mad I guess. Hey, got some good mail tonight. Weeks looking good. Bye.

25 March 2009

Well, store tomorrow, everyone is all hyped up as usual. Ha! The highlight of our lives back here. There seems to be a new trend out in general population now. Guys are getting theirselves segged now so they can come and sit back here with their homeboys, their family or whatever they call it now. It's like being segged is the thing now. Stupid dudes, when they are confirmed they will never get out from back here unless they go through the program, but they aren't going through the program, it's for people like me that are leaving that b.s. and trying to get back out to pop and go home. These guys just want to get confirmed so they can get back here with the other idiots. As long as you are a confirmed gang member you will never make parole and you will spend all your time in seg. I don't understand their thinking. But hey, for each is own right, as I always say, they can have this mess. Well I guess I better get my stuff ready for store. Ice cream time. Ha!

26 March 2009

Man today kinda sucked. I been trying to get a different print wheel for my typewriter and I had to order it and wait on it and it finally came in but what they brought me was the exact same wheel I got now that came with the typewriter, so I just paid $20 for absolutely nothing! Makes no sense for them to even sale them. Stupid people. It really messed my whole day up, hell my ice cream wasn't even good. Oh well ain't nothing I can do about it now except complain, ha! Anyways I guess I will close this for today. Being angry pretty much consumed my whole day. Bye.

27 March 2009

Friday! Great! Another weekend which is another week down in this place. Still nothing changes much, I'm ready for spring to be here though. It's been real nice. It's funny how something like the change in the weather can change the overall attitude in here. This time of year is actually the best cause it isn't too cold or too hot. When it's real hot then people are just trying to get warm and don't really want to mess with anyone. This time of year is okay, people seem to be in better moods. Crazy huh? In a way it's the same out there huh. Okay well I'm gonna close for tonight. Bye.

28 March 2009

Well I've gotten a couple of letters this week that really was great to get. Actually meeting some new people, that's always good. I guess my world is pretty small so it don't take much to impact it, even with something like a letter from someone new. It seems that a lot of the attitude out there in the free world is that it is hard out there. People are dealing with hard times these days, everywhere. I still would love to be dealing with hard times out there then with this in here. Seems like people are going crazy out there really, I've been reading about a lot of shootings in different places, just senseless killings. I don't understand that stuff. It's really sad. Well I better close for tonight. Bye.

29 March 2009

Well it's time to wrap up another week. For some reason this week seemed long. Really slow and boring. March madness has been great though, this is the best of all sports I think, beats everything else. I been sitting here trying to think of something to write and I am coming up with only blanks. There is absolutely nothing to say today about nothing. Really slow Sunday and I haven't really had nothing on my mind, just ready to wrap this week up and start another tomorrow. Oh yeah, tiger woods is back, ha! I love golf but it really isn't fair to the others when tiger is in there. Ha! It's great. Okay well that's it for tonight. Bye.

13 April 2009

Well starting another week. Get things back to normal. At least for me anyhow. Not really a lot to write about. Waiting on some mail as usual. Maybe I will get to see my lil man this weekend. This kitten keeps me up all night, off and on all night anyways, we sleep in short naps then we have to play till we're tired again. It's amazing how something this small can have so much energy. I think if hell has cats this would be one of them. Ha! It's okay though, I don't mind, it's fun. Well I guess I will close for tonight. Bye.

14 April 2009

Today is one of those days that is someone's b-day from my past. I always remember it even though it's been a long time ago. Someone who was really special to me, makes me think back. Funny how we remember certain things like a b-day of something. Hell it's been about 16 years since I have even talked to this person. Always remember her b-day though. Crazy huh. Maybe it ain't, maybe a lot of people do it also. Man I have really been slacking off on everything, meditation, working out, just been lazy really. Not wanting to do much of anything except just be here, and really don't want to do that. I can feel the difference too, especially not working out. I feel like trash when I slack off. Need to get out of this slump. Well it's time to feed me and bonnie so I'll close for now. Bye.

15 April 2009

Well I'm still being lazy, I got to snap out of this slump. I think a lot of the reason for my slump is my schedule changing now that I got bonnie. I got to get used to being up mostly at night now. It's okay though, I don't mind, actually it's a better shift, it's a lot quieter at night which is good. Well I need to get some mail out tonight so I will close for now. Bye.

16 April 2009

Nothing going on around here worth writing about. Same as everyday really. Man this hell cat is just like a child. I got something, she wants it, wherever I go, she's got to follow me, just walking around my cell, she's under my feet. I got to be careful cause I'll step on her if I'm not paying attention., When she sleeps she has to be right next to my side, don't sleep no where else. Baseball season has started and it's great. I love listening to baseball on the radio. Go Yankees!!! That's my favorite team. When I was young I liked to wear yankee stuff, I liked the stripes, as I got older and into baseball they just stuck with me. Wish I could see the new stadium. That would be awesome. Okay well another meaningless day down. I'll go for now.

17 April 2009

At last it's Friday, for whatever it's worth. Really all days are the same in here, I just like to try and create a little difference in my days. Over all though this week has been kinda bunk, maybe I'll get to see my lil man this weekend finally, damn it's been long enough. Who knows. I think I'll close this for tonight. Be back tomorrow. Bye.

18 April 2009

Another weekend without seeing my boy, really it's expected now. I've given up on her bringing him. If she does she does, if not then I can't do nothing except deal with it. I won't be here forever. Bonnie wakes me up at night when she wants to play by putting her paw on my eye. She just puts it over my eye until I wake up. Ha! Crazy cat. Well today has been one of those days when you just want to wake up someplace different, hell I wouldn't care where it was either. I'm tired of all this stuff. Well I need to do some things so I'll close for now. Bye.

19 April 2009

Wrapping up another week in a box. In a box with a cat. Ha! Only here on good ol' Coffield Unit. It's great having Bonnie though, makes time a lot easier really, may sound corny but it's true, she's ready to play at all times. I get tired just watching her run around the cell. Not much left in this month. Next month I will find out what they're gonna do for me, or not do. Of course I expect the worst, I just want to get it done so I can get ready for the next time I'm up, then I get to do it all again, but sooner or later it's gonna give and I'll get the answer I want. Well I got some mail to get out and got to feed Bonnie. Bye.