The journal of Nicky Holt

Dec. 1, 2008

Dear Minions,

It will be your great pleasure to know that I, knucklehead, will be leading you on this journey into the bowels of the Iowa State Penitentiary. And also the fascinating recesses of my mind. Strike that comment.

This journey will begin in cell number 8 of the Disciplinary Detention unit at CCU. Otherwise know as the "hole". Where I have resided since March 27. Although I started at Newton Correctional Facility, I'm in the hole for disruptive conduct, 90 days. I had a lit piece of toilet paper to light a square. But I started off in the hole for assault on a correctional officer. Yeah, they had me handcuffed and shackled dropping me on my face. In the process one of them fell down and scratched his wrist ?. Anyway, I kinda feel like I been getting shafted ever since.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't want sound like I'm whining. I'm just venting! I've been to prison three times. And I've been to the "hole" more times than I can remember. I would like to phrase the next statement as carefully as possible. Ninety percent of the time I was in the hole, I was guilty of whatever behavior got me there. And I also knew that it would get me there. But that doesn't mean I agree with being locked in a cage for weeks at a time for infractions as simple as having a disagreement with staff. That just means having a different opinion. They'll say you were being argumentative. And you will be found guilty using the same evidence standard. That just means a staff member has to say it's so. There don't have to be any proof. Of course that's just one example of injustice that I could harp on. But I won't.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you a little about myself. My name is Nicky Charles Holt Jr. I'm from Des Moines Iowa. I'm 5'7" red hair, blue eyes, 170 pounds. I've been in and out of lockup since I was twelve years old. People say I'm incorrigible. I'm starting to believe them. However I like to think of myself as proud and defiant! It sounds a lot more romantic right? I can be the easiest or most difficult person in the world to get along with. It just depends on who are you. I'm a Junky and a 7th grade drop out. And an alcoholic. Other things I shouldn't mention. I'm in prison for robbing a bank and a Bowling Alley. I've been down 7 years, I have 7 or 8 to go. And I struggle with my faith.

My day so far has been pretty uneventful ? All I have to do is read and write. No TV. No Radio. Thought I may be getting a radio soon. It don't really matter. I get off of DD January 6. This will be my second year in a row that I spent Christmas and New Years in the hole. It's not that much different on the yard though! You get the same food. Everybody is bummed out. Mopin around ya know. It's hard to play the tuff guy role when all you can think about is how much you mmiss your family and wanna be with them on Christmas. Kinda funny if you think about it.

I sleep a lot when I'm in DD cause there's nothing to doo. Maybe now I will stay up more. Even though my medication makes me tired. We'll see. Till tomorrow.

Dec. 2, 2008


My humble servants. I am now into the second day of my journal. To be honest with you I haven't yet learned anything new about myself. As suggested. But hey, I'm a patient man. Today anyway. I just got done taking a shower. That was pretty exciting. Earlier today I went to see the psychiatrist. It didn't really resolve anything. He told me to take an extra sleeping pill. Thanks for the sound advice doc. I think I will take an extra one of the pills that don't work! Actually though, I've been feeling a lot better lately. You couldn't think being in the hold that it's possible. But how you feel at the moment is always relative to one's present state of mind. Right? It's abt less stressful in here than on the yard. It's peaceful. I have time to think about new and positive endeavors to undertake once I'm released from prison. Hopefully for the last time. However the resources in DD to explore new possibilities is almost nonexistent.

Dec. 3, 2008

Hello All,

Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to listen to my psycho babble. I'm kinda down in the dumps a little today. It's my mother's birthday. I think she is 65. The last time I saw her she started crying because she felt like I was being treated unfairly. Opinions differ on that subject. I feel like all poor people are treated unfairly in our criminal justice system. And I felt that way the other two times I was in prison. Yet I still got out and commited the same crimes. My mother feels like she could buy my way out of a lot of this time if she had a lot of money. And she's right! She could! But my idea is much better. Stop goin out and doin the same stupid shit that I always do! Brilliant plan. Now I'm a rocket scientist. All I know is I see to see Virginia cry. That's my mom ? She's a good person. She never stopped workin to take care of her family. I'm her only son. And her youngest. In her eyes I'm still everything that is good. God couldn't have made a better mother for me.

Dec. 4, 2008

Hello friends,

Do you ever just lay back and daydream about what you want out of life? The answer is more than likely yes, right? Well that's pretty much all I do. Besides read, and a little writing. I'm starting to come to the opinion of myself that I'm pretty narrow minded. I'm 34 years old and I still dream about puppies. And a few other things. But isn't it time to grow up. I'll be leaving here one of these days, and a puppy isn't gonna get me very far in life! No matter how adorable it is. I do think about skills that could be helpful to me, and things of that nature. But mostly it's stuff that I want rather than need. I don't stay focused on the important issues. What can I do? Can I help it if I have ADHD! Alright, so I did get a little good news today. My counselor told me I'll be getting my TV back in 13 days. Dec 17. After you have been without one as long as I have you'd understand. I've missed almost the whole football season. And that blows!

Dec. 7, 2008

Greetings Ithaca,

As I am sure you noticed, I skipped a day. And I'm sure it is likely to happen in the future. However, I will try to approach the Journal writing as tenaciously as possible. Somedays it seems like a simple enough thing to do. OK well, what do I talk about? I don't feel anything. Have I become numb? Institutionalized? Or maybe I'm just content. Could it be that I get those things confused so that I don't know what the hell I'm feeling? Sometimes I feel other things. Anger about a lot of things. I feel like I keep getting screwed by the system. Angry at clos because I was the only person held accountable for the situation I'm in right now. And clos are never held accountable when they do something to a convict. Even if it's just antagonizing them until they lose control. Some of them have too much power and control over the lives of others. And they are entirely too ignorant to handle it responsibly! And that's the truth.