The journal of Paul Pommells

06 March 2009

Today I spoke with a friend for 90 minutes. He is ten years older, 46. I needed to talk. I told him I was feeling snappish. Over the pats few days I’ve noticed that whenever I engaged in any type of diversionary activity, I’d quickly lose patience if my opponent talked trash. That’s unsettling and it made me think.

Really I’m getting mad with myself for wasting time. I am socializing too much. I need to be more productive. I am behind on my letters and studying. It feels like I am out of harmony, which is surprising because I was feeling great not long ago. I think my problem is that I am not spending enough quality time with myself. For years, when I was in higher security prisons I did not have the option of leaving the cell for hours each day to socialize, so I didn’t have to worry about absorbing other people’s negativity. I spent as much as half of those in-cell hours looking inward while reading self-help books, journalizing or writing letters. After spending much quality time I always felt great.

Over the past year, I’ve spent less quality time with myself I write less letters, but usually I keep a good book with me. After I finished the Eckhard Tolle book I’d borrowed I should have replaced it with another positive book. Instead I found more “spare” moments to play card games or chess. The games got competitive and my opponent’s trash taking pissed me off! That’s what I get for not maintaining my positive habits. I should return to starting each morning with 60 to 90 minutes of quality time.

I finish serving breakfast around 11:45am. After my cellmate goes to work around 8am I could sit in the cell until 9:30 or 10am all alone doing the important things that need to be done, like grounding myself, planning for the day, reviewing why previous days were not better. I could use that time to read spiritual books, do homework, study or write a letter. Any of those activities would make me feel better. I need to get back on my self discipline. Throughout the day I need to shirk unproductive socializing too. I know what I need to do. I’ll be feeling dynamic in no time.

09 March 2009

The time change made it extra hard to get going this morning. Normally I don’t stay up later than 10:30pm so it is easy for me to wake up before 6am. But on Sunday nights, the local TV networks air 3 of my favorite programs: The unit at 10pm, Stargate SG-1 at 11pm and Legend of the Seeker at 11:30. I usually drift in and out of sleep after 11. It is hard for me to stay awake during long commercial breaks or when the action on the screen slows down. I pay for it the next day. I have to be dressed and out the cell by 6:15am to serve breakfast. During my spare time this week I am reading a Sue Grafton novel, “A is for Alibi.”

10 March 2009

Last night I dreamed that I was floating down a river. It felt good. The dream was vivid. Sometimes during my vivid dreams I interact with angelic people. Do you remember the people you interact with in your dreams? They are not all the same. Some are special. Some seem to teach my things, point out clues or test me. Sometimes I feel magnetically drawn to one in particular.

15 March 2009

I noticed 2 white hairs in my beard today. I don’t normally let my beard grow past the stubble stage, so I wouldn’t normally have seen it. Every 3 months or so I’ll notice a long white hair has insinuated itself into my goatee and I’ll pluck it. You could say I’m fighting the inevitable. I still feel young. I’m only 35 and I’m in great shape, I can’t figure out why all these white hairs keep popping up.

There are two guys on my tier who are prematurely grey. One guy is 2 years older than me, but the salt & pepper hair makes him look old enough to be my uncle. The other guy’s hair has turned completely grey.

I sport the bald look so the only place my hair’s color change is noticeable is in my beard, goatee or mustache. Well that’s not exactly accurate. Last week I noticed a long white hair sticking out of my chest. Yep. I plucked that one too. I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t. I’m not ready to surrender.