The journal of Calvin CarterTable of Contents:
01 January 2005Where do I start??? Today is my birthday. 42 years on this earth and I am confined to a cage...My total assets consist of a small clock-radio with headphones (all plastic) an old small fan (plastic) a cup, a 3 bowls, 2 spoons (also plastic), 3 t-shirts, 2 gym shorts and a few books and magazines...Happy birthday Calvin...Could you believe them fools really though, I'd go for a birthday whipping...??? Like I am really all that cool with any of them. Who ever said it gets easier as the years go by straight lied!!! Suicide: which is it??? A very strong man to hill his...self??? Or a true coward taking the easy out??? That's not even an option, as that don't do me any good at all. Way my luck runs, I'd end up buried by the state...okay that wasn't a very funny joke... 02 January 2005It's 3 a.m. and I am still pumped up by my day...didn't start all that good, but I went to the table (gambling) and won $13.00...It was really good gambling cause I did not have 1 red cent to cover if I'd lost...After I won I fixed myself and my cellie a really nice meal...then we laughed till it hurt...Why do I put myself out there on a limb like that??? Entertainment??? I passed about 6 pleasurable hours...Hustle??? I can always use the money...anyway that I can get it...Besides all of them knew that I was broke... 05 January 20055 days into the year...and nobody sent me a birthday card...Have I been forgotten? Shit, I've been gone so long nobody knows me anymore, just as I don't know them...But I am still expected to be able to communicate with a man...that last saw me changing his diaper...So all in all that tallies toward me as a failure as a father, truth be told I most likely would have flunked out on that ever if I had been present...I wonder if he even READ's my letters??? I only have to ask, but I am honestly afraid of the answer to that question... And then my other child...his sister is keen on being my buddy that she is really giving me way too much info on her sex life...going to have to be careful on that one...It's possible that her mother has sprung her with tales of OUR sex life...This is way too weird...Do I love them??? Dumb question...how do I get them to know how I feel??? I tell them in every letter, but do they feel that...Really feel it? And now on top of that pile...grandchildren...How do I do this? Man, the hugs and kisses and even tears, that I'll never get to be a part of... This is beyond painful, but I have no more tears...Please somebody tell me, am I still a man, am I even human after all these years... 09 January 2005Today I stood by and watched a fool get smacked over $5.00...well if he'd went with the Patriot's he would have won my money...But the issue is that he bet...lost and didn't have the money to pay off...why didn't I just say #&*!...and let him have that money??? I knew he'd get violated by his homies for betting on his ass...Okay I did need that money and I did when I bet...for sure I'll never bet him again...Why??? To save face...my face!!! I let him go on a bet. Everybody will try me...A big part of my hustle is gambling...to be successful in being paid winnings requires respect, to maintain respect sometimes means people have to be hurt...that don't mean I have to like it...or even do it...After all I did not touch him...$5.00 or 1 tooth and 12 stitches plus a lifelong scar...Do I really need to gamble??? Yes...but I could find another hustly, but not one that pays as good...so, whose fault was it that he got smashed??? Answer: Both...his and mine... 10 January 2005The highlight of my day is T.V. I sit waiting for "24" to come on...and what's remarkable is that other than "24" I have not said more than 20 words to a single person today...what's the deal...am I being avoided...even now, I have a table directly in front of the T.V. all to my lonesome...why??? Don't panic...for one it's early...still about an hour before "24" comes on...Okay, have I stepped foul of anybody of late??? But then if I had it would have been brought to me straight up and quickly to save face...Man, I am actually sweating...is that fear...but damn what do I have to be scared of? Okay, okay, be cool fool...this is all cow-crap for I am self tripping all over myself...then too, if something were to go down on me, I can handle anything that can be seen...and what I can't handle the casket will catch...no day is a good day to die...but death comes ever day... 10 January 2005Soon as "24" was over I ran to the house (cell) to be what??? Comfortable...I mean how secure is being in my cell when that door is popped open about 100 times a day...at the least, when the door opens I know what direction to watch... Ain't this some shit, bas as I was...Here I am getting rabbit because of a lack of conversation in my direction...the same cat with the stone heart who caused a cat to be smacked down just yesterday, okay maybe I am still feeling guilt over that...I would love to apologize...now there is a word that I don't use much, wonder if I spelled it right??? Knew it (apologize...)can't even do that, it would be seen as a weakness to be exploited...Man, am I tired of all the fronting...Cats younger than my son, walking around with "mean mugs" like they're mad at the world...then to maybe they are, shit I know I WAS...Don't even remember why...well how come I am not mad now, the anger got used up with age...I guess after xxx amount of years of life your brain just purges itself of crazy shit... Man, you know what Fuck it...Just fuck it...I am and will always be the one and only Mr. Calvin J. Carter...so whatever happens will happen...I will handle it and survive it as I always have...besides what else is there for me to do...Fuck it!!! 11 January 2005Today has really been...to say the least, shitty. The morning count was screwed, so all the officers were in jacked-up mode...then they had fried chicken for lunch, but they ran out before feeding my pod...I mean, after the budget cutbacks they only fry the yard bird, bout...every 4 months...luxury is actually being able to choose what you'll eat when you want to eat it...Even for those that have the ability to spend money...their choices are also restricted...of all the food in the world and for the next 10 to 20 years you are limited to say only 50 choices...It took me only 7 years to basically lose my taste buds...I eat cause I HAVE to...still on the flip-side, I've been trained to enjoy bland simple meals now...Okay, I was seriously looking forward to that fried chicken. 14 January 2005Man my homies are really straight tripping...only these are not my real homies, don't know none of them from the streets, never put in any work with them...so how do I know that they'll keep it 100% real??? Okay, #1 they are really only associates in name...#2 none of them have my best interest in their heart...#3 I don't really care about them...well not all that much any way...I have got to stay cool-fool and true to the game of life and that is about getting out of here... 03 March 2005It's been so many years since I've seen my family...sometimes its hard to even remember what some of them even look like...now that's a shame...but what's worse is that many of them I don't even know anymore and damn near all of them don't have an iota of an idea as to who I am...now...here is what's funny...Do I know who I am , or who I might be if I were to get out of here...Who has the answer to that??? This I know for sure, if I don't make it out of here soon...very soon, it is really possible that I will end up lost forever...not only to the rest of the world, but to myself as well. Even now at times I have to STOP and make myself FEEL...After so many years of suppressing and hiding my emotions I am finding that many of them are being lost or maybe they are just forgotten and are later found once I am again in a normal environment... 05 March 2005A lady made a joke about me, she could see where I used to be "FINE." That stung a little...I mean hey, I'm a young 42 and not all that bad looking...Right/?? Maybe I could stand to lose 10-15 lbs. but what is my excuse for "USED TO BE FINE!!!" Ain't none...sill ass woman ain't even my type anyway...but the real is that those that are my type probably see the same...probably huh? So, what are my options...???Truth be told, I have none...all my life I have been an eye-catcher, so I have to get my butt, abs, chest, legs, etc. back into top 10 shape...#1 push away from the table, #2 no seconds, #3 workout for 1 solid hour every third day; 30 minuts on the days in between...stay focused and committed...why??? Simple, I am and always have been a fine man, so why should that change just because I am heading into my middle years? 08 March 2005Shit, I am sore as hell...and I have not even started working on the weights yet...At least I am getting plenty of sleep, good sleep... 09 March 2005Seems as if everybody is going home except me...Would left on the chain today...last night Big George got word that he'd made parole...I am honestly happy for them, but also hurts too, and each time someone I know leaves the hurt gets a little deeper inside of me...Somebody P-L-E-A-S-E tell me, what is it??? Is it me??? The System??? Or simple blind luck??? Not trying to take anything off my crime, but after all these years...(18 and...)But, I'm supposed to want to get out...:) it would be so much easier if they had a pill for this pain... 10 March 2005What is wrong with these "people" they know; You can't live without water, and yet they shut off the water with no warning...then lock us down when it does come back, to wait for the pressure to build up. Do I actually miss water??? My lips are so chapped and my throat feels as if the walls cracked...not to mention that I need to use the restroom...and on top of all that I worked out yet again, so I can't shower...but the "coup de grace" no water, no food...no ain't that a *#?!... 13 March 2005Today was and was not the average day...The gambling was good, at least for me anyway...I cleared $60.00 in commissary...but what turns me is how these dudes really expect these laws to be stupid and/or blind...I was truly glad when they took smokes out of the system, as "1" I never smoked to start with...second-hand smoke was doing me bad...(I admit most of my family smokes) Why do they honestly get shocked when an officer comes on the pod and smells smoke!!! Homeboys are seriously starting to trip...I haven't been to Rec. in what almost 3 months...but what's the point of going to Rec.? I don't do anything at Rec but listen to one homie talk about another homie...truth be told everybody is doing their own thing and I for one am tired of the soap opera mess...It's struggle enough to keep good on the table...If we all put as much effort into stacking our chips, wouldn't be anytime for the cow shit!!! So what am I to do???#1 keep in mind that I am up for parole, yet again, in 14 months...I will not be making any sacrifices...#2 In my heart I don't really care if these cats respect me or not, their respect is really fear...or greed...even on that front I can't really depend on some to properly handle business...Risk , as most days I am able to stagger my bets and points spreads in a manner that usually lets me win more than I lose...long as my winning pay my losses, I am ahead... 15 March 2005It's really possible that all this could really be easier...especially if I were to actually know what I was or rather, am doing...Being honest, openly honest is a totally killer concept when applied to my writing...let's keep in mind that everything I put into the mail is read by at least one officer...I have to keep in mind that the Fifth Amendment does not apply here...But I would like it to be known that any rule or law that I bend...is done so, only in the name of comfort...Yea I know the state of Texas says that they provide everything an inmate will need...well the stat of Texas also says that they rehabilitate...and that they apply the death sentence fairly...the truth is that the state of Texas only provides...3 generic meals a day when not on lockdown, a change of clothes per day, 7 small bars of generic soap, myself I have a need for such items as toothpaste and deodorant...tell me is lotion and body oils really a luxury? Given that 60% of the inmate population doesn't have any monetary support, coupled with the fact that TDC currently doesn't pay inmates for work...how does one as myself support myself while on lockdown??? Keep in mind now that I am not extorting or robbing anyone...though I have to admit, that I now believe that I can go out in society and survive within the guidelines of the laws that govern the great state of Texas... 21 March 2005I have really got to be stupid. Cause...again I have let myself get caught up between an inmate and an officer...either way its trouble but the officer is wrong...and the inmate only made it worse by mouthing off...witness...that's only a polite word for a snitch...so what do I do??? Do I tell the truth and hope that the officer doesn't retaliate later...or...say nothing and lat an inmate be abused by a bully officer...well, really, what choice do I have, cause it could have been me that this officer stopped...still I would much rather not being involved, this shit is going to be really messy... 18 March 2005Well it's a Friday...the weekend...late night rack and all...It's really the same shit, different day...S-S-D-D...Nanny's in the hospital...she's my grandmother...but she's really more that just that...but how do you describe a family member that's also a friend and mentor on every level and phase of life...Now she is in the hospital and after all that she had done for me, I can do nothing for her. Especially since I've allowed myself to disappoint her so badly...sometimes all I can do is ask myself how I got to this point...But then too, there is nobody to blame but me...And now, when I am needed, I am out of pocket...and that really hurts...I can't even find anybody to check on her...I hope that she gets well soon...Please God!!! Let her be well and happy... 21 March 2005Today I am feeling my age... I am currently 42... I started this when I was 24...All those years in between are gone...lost...now my body is starting to break down, but that's a natural part of aging...right?? But does my mentality also have to age too!!! I look at most of these kids in here today and they are really...only kids...Then too, maybe its that I never was a kid...at any rate, I am starting to feel old physically, mentally, and socially... 04 April 2005This is not an east task...Cause I don't want to write about ONLY prison...but the thing is, I have been locked up for so long that ALL I know is prison-related...It's a real effort to talk for 5 solid minutes on a subject not even remotely related to prison or the court system...what's scary is that I am surviving in here and doing nicely too!!! But how can I convert any of these skills into survival in the world? Shit, how do I even get back into the world??? 09 April 2005Money: who can live without money??? I sure as hell can't...don't care where you go in this world, you'll find some sort of monetary system. From livestock to crops to printed paper...for the love of money...what is there that I won't do??? I admit that at one time in my life I would have killed for money...well I hustled with a pistol and that's what GUNS are for...Killing...But back to the money...Now I am not above working for the cash, hell I put in 10, 12, even 15 hour days now working hard for the cash that supports me, AND I stay out of trouble while doing it...so the type of job really doesn't matter. After all these years of being put to work by the state of Texas for 0 dollars...Flipping burgers for a paycheck has got to be good...Right??? My problem is how do you live off of minimum wage??? That's what, $200-$250 a week??? After taxes that's less than $1,000 a month...to see me as good long prospect...well, somebody please tell me, what do I do??? Do I go to the world and hope for the best??? Then, too, maybe it would be best for me to just stay here and accept that I am no longer wanted or needed in society... 11 April 2005Today is pretty much like the last 3 or 4 thousand days that have passed by...same shit, different day...Now being honest with myself I have to ask...what is it exactly that I'm supposed to be doing or rather saying in a journal??? This whole thing about expressing my feelings...It's totally new to me...Feeling is something that is in the past, could be seen as a weakness...and after so long, I started hiding my feelings from myself...Today I can only wonder about what feelings from myself...Today I can only wonder about what feelings are...Can I love somebody??? Can somebody love me??? Do I want to be loved...what's the point of feelings cause it seems to me, its always the ones that we love or that are supposed to love us that cause pain or that we hurt...so if nobody loves me and I don't love anyone than I have no feelings to be hurt... 16 April 2005Why am I so far away from home?? It's over a 6 hour drive one-way to get here...but at the same time, life is comfortable at this unit...the real issue is that I am up for parole next year...and this is NOT the unit to be on for that...soooo, honestly I do wish to be closer to home, and at the same time desire to be comfortable while doing whatever time I have left...Making parole is #1... 5 May 2005Today is a holiday...Cinco de Mayo...But here its not given its proper respect...Hell I am not a Mexican or even of Latin descent but I will celebrate just about any day that will bring about a holiday meal...so, you best believe I got up today really looking forward to a DECENT Mexican or at least Tex-Mex meal...so when I see a so called tamale pie, a mixture of corn, bell peppers and tomatoes and don't forget the mashed-up pinto beans...now I know this ain't no real Mexican meal, but I was really looking for a better effort than that... 11 May 2005Commissary Day: Everybody up early and ready...there is a lot of hyper energy in the air...even me, as somebody cared enough to share some of their hard earned money with me...some cookies, candy, chips, and sodas really will make a confined person feel loved...I had thought about dropping a drop of ice cream on the paper to high-cap and preserve the moment...But I am way too selfish for that...Everybody will be happy today, for most of the day, matter of fact fights on commissary day are rare. 12 May 2005May be one day somebody will be able to explain homosexuality to me...not that I think I'll be able to understand it...I've never thought about trying it either...Don't get me wrong, as I have known some gay men and women that were alright people by my standards...but I guess in reality, deep inside I have a problem with homosexuals...more to the points I feel betrayed to find out that another so-called homeboy is punking around...punk ass-bitch tell me some shit about how much time he got...and how he is used to getting some pussy everyday...now check this, he is only 25 years old, been on lock for 6 years and is only doing a non-ass 15 years...By my math, he never really got started enjoying pussy before he got offered a man's booty!!! Time cannot be the deciding factor...cause I got him beat all the way across the board, I am older, been gone longer than him and I am also doing more time than him...But the real issue is that he wants me to embrace him and his...punking around...Can I??? Should I??? For 1, I don't think this is just a penitentiary thing as in the world, he would be able to move about without being seen...where as here his every move is witnessed...SHIT...who am I kidding??? In here, his sexuality is a weakness that I don't care to stand behind...I can only live by the morals and principles that are right by my ideology...A homeboy that's even partially gay is a homie that's been compromised...so he's out...THAT'S FINAL!!! On all what I love this is a painful thing to do...But do I will... 13 May 2005Am I at war??? Is my life a battle field??? Now I know what it feels like to pass judgment over a fellow man...Am I right??? Why do I have that power, cause I sure as hell don't know that I earned it...Still I can see my homies have for the most part stepped up...cause now it's a must that those who haven't finished high school, at the least get a G.E.D...Write-ups are not tolerated...and I am not a G or OG...Just a home that knows the right way from the wrong...Then why am I in prison??? Hell, I'm a gangsta by birthright...But what I am about is stepping up my gangst-rism to another level...S-T-O-P...look at Donald Trump, Russell Simmons, Damon Dosh, Queen Lahtifa, Oprah, they are all gangstas...none of them would be where they are today if they weren't...my mistake was being so small minded that I could not see myself outside of the "hood"...and secondly allowing a pistol in my hand...Snoop-Dogg ain't go no gun in his belt, he has body guards in front and behind him...Business...Be it cooking to selling gravel..."dope" is not an option, simply because it leads back here...Capital...True dat, I can walk out here today and pretty assuredly put together 25 to 30 thousand dollars in about 30 days between Dallas-San Antonio-Houseton...Probably would spend $1,000 travelling...But how do I make that amount of cash come clean??? What, buy into an operating business...Has to be something with a positive cash flow future...must always remember that I am not alone...But at the same time I must always be aware that most of the homies won't be able to see my vision in the long run of life, as they are mainly mentally wired for short term actions...crime doesn't pay as well as if you owned your own company. 14 May 2005Today, I took the time to remind myself of what the faces of my family look like...It's been so long since I last saw most of them, many have gone on to heaven...I hope...It's days like this that I wonder if I am remembered and when so how often...why am I so lonely when I am constantly surrounded by hundreds of people??? Does anybody else feel this way??? I know my family loves me...I have to keep believing that as any other though will only lead to black-madness... There is nothing on TV and for whatever reason I don't have a thing to do, meaning that I am bored...From the start of my conviction it took me many years to learn how to deal with boredom...at first it usually lead me to trouble as I was always getting into stuff that wasn't any of my business...so for today I have written a letter to my grandmother, done a bit of luxury maintenance on my cell, went to lunch...and now I pretty much don't have anything else to do but hope they call recreation...but the realness of it all is about control i.e. self control...mental physical as well as emotional...Maybe self control gets better with age, Hey did I really say that??? Still the youth of today, its not that they are really any more aggressive than I was, its mostly that they can't assimilate long range though patterns to achieve goals down the road...then on top of that they have a need to be known by everybody...And that is not always good...One must always beware of their friends...the bottom line is that I have to be aware at all times that its really about the choices I make...I control my destiny and always have... 15 May 2005Some things are done by people simply because they feel that they have no recourse for whatever they do or don't do...today, we came back from chow and are held hostage in a hot crowded dayroom for 45 minutes before the doors are rolled , then the floor officer don't even allow us 5 minutes...It's simply open the door, cloe the door!!! I am not allowed acces into my locker nor am I allowed time to brush my teeth...that is unless I stay locked in my cell and the way things are being run today it may possible be 2 or 3 hours afore the doors are opened again...Okay, it is not vitally important that I get into my cell, and its for sure that I really don't want to spend any more time locked in than I really have too...but I am mad...and don't really know why...as all of this is everyday stuff, nothing new. So the real reason for my anger is something else...must be a flux of emotions from the combination of ousting a homeboy, Nanny being sick and wheelchair bound, staying parolable, and finding a place to go if and when I am paroled...But these are pressures that I cannot allow to let me fall aside...All I can do is handle the problems that are handle-able and let God do as God pleases with the ones that are beyond my control...my emotions are mint to control, and I will not, cannot, allow the actions of someone else to ride over my own emotions. 17 May 2005Can it be possible to be a father while locked away??? How does a man support a child anyway, while doing time??? For now skip the financial part and think about the emotional and moral as well as the physical support that a father provides his children. My self, I have two adult kids that I have not seen in 18 years, yea we trade letters, sometimes, not as often as we should...but a letter misses a whole hell of a lot of everyday life that is very important...I love my daughter, Tameka, and my son, Serloyd...But at times I wonder how they can love me and not know me as the person that I really am, and me know knowing them...It's even more painful when I realize that I may never get a real chance to get to know them...As bad as I want to blame somebody there is nobody for that...but me... 19 May 200510:10 a.m. This is crazy, I get a lay-in for 9:45 a.m. but the 8:00a.m. count don't clear till 10:00am How can I be late??? For one, I don't see how a late count has any effect on my lay0in...But I am not in charge of this unit... 20 May 2005It is hot already...in the high 80's...and its still only May!!! Summer is here again...Can't get the vents in the dayroom open, done put it on report everyday for 2 weeks, but its not a priority. So we have to suffer the heat, what's really funny is that it wouldn't take five minutes to hand crank both vents open...socket wrench and 2 sockets is all it takes, but to get it done will take...what??? A month??? And immeasurable amounts of paperwork... 22 May 2005I know that I have committed myself to this journal program...The thing is that I don't have something to write about everyday...maybe I have dulled my senses to the point of near thoughtlessness!! Actually I do have long periods of sheer nothingness...physically, as well as mentally. 23 May 2005I am gearing up for football season...Yea, its still months away, but it also requires preparation...the flip side to this is that I prefer not to go into details...my reason for such being that to survive in the "big lock-up" you need money...hey just the basic costs: toothpaste, deodorant, lotion, etc. Then food is a whole another world of costs. It's all good when your family and friends are able to assist you with their money...but what about those who don't have any help??? Well they hustle...that covers pretty much everything from breaking and Entering to extortion...the bottom line is survival...Me, I choose to use my brains, why take chances, taking a chance is what got me in prison. 27 May 2005Again its being one of those days...so far there have been several fights. All over the unit...Naturally, the unit is on lock-down status, for how long is anyone's guess...more than likely after investigation, there will be some re-housing, a shakedown, then hopefully we'll be back up and about... 28 May 2005Even during lockdown WORD gets around...supposedly its beef between two Mexican gangs...Really don't matter who it is or even why, as its all the same...Bottom line its bad for business for everybody...Inmates and staff alike...Dig this, its already 5:47 p.m. and we are still awaiting breakfast...it's been well over 12 hours since our last meal, and I for one would much rather have an inmate preparing meals instead of an officer...maybe that's a mental breakdown on my part, but I'd rather trust a fellow inmate than an officer, especially as many don't even bother to eath anything prepared at this facility... 30 May 2005Today is a holiday...Memorial Day...what makes any day more special than any other??? Cause right now this day don't feel all that special to me...really and truly, I don't feel like writing anything at all...But, I am committed and on that alone I will see this through, even when my mind is blanking out on me as it is right now... 01 June 2005Today is Wednesday and we are still on lock down, eating sock lunches 3 times a day...Some of this I really don't understand, for the whole thing was one group of Mexicans against, another group of Mexicans...Why not simply confine and separate those involved??? Cause myself, I didn't even see any fights, but yes I have been fined to this cell for 6 days already...Okay they are shaking down the unit for weapons and contraband...Personally, that only a stalling tactic, cause all of it will be replaced within a week of us coming up... 02 June 2005I can't believe these people are so...what's the word??? Fucked up!!! I am starving waiting on lunch Johnnie sack...its been over 12 hours since the last meal, and it really aunt like they are actually cooking anything...I would also love to ask somebody if they know why they mix cooking oil into the peanut butter??? Cause it only makes it tastes rancid, peanut butter is already oily enough by itself...The oil even makes the bread hard...After they explain that one; They can tell me how is it that the milk is always hot...it's not even a 5 minute walk from the kitchen, what's up with that?? 03 June 2005Today is the day Nanny is going to the doctor. Hopefully she is able to have her doctor to write a letter of recommendation for me a hardship transfer closer to Houston...Nanny is well into her 80s and I would really love to make it out of here to spend whatever time she has left together...So many have died over the years...How many cousins Sharly has passed, she was younger than me...What's really painful is that I could not remember what she looked like, I had to pull out my flicks. 05 June 2005Man I think that maybe I am going crazy...I have started to see things...Little bitty things moving around, but when I turn to get a good solid hook at what it is, there is nothing there...The crazy part is that even when I think I see something out the corner of my eye I already know it aint real...But I look anyway...Now I am really afraid of spiders, specially spider bites, in all these years I've been bitten and if I stop looking, it's really possible that a spider could creep up on me...Right? So is it simply my nerves from cabin-fever or something else? I mean after all these lock downs why is this one bothering me? 07 June 2005It is too hot to be showering every other day and showering in the morning is cool but by nightfall. I'm sticky again; the sheets on my bed feel like gritty sand paper...Never knew it was possible to actually miss a shower till I got locked up...On top of that some of these laws thinks its cool to shut off the vents while we are on lock down...They are frustrated because of the manual labor that they have to do until we come up...All the inmate labor becomes officer labor the second we go on lock down... 09 June 2005They have told us to pack-up for shake down, I am glad to be just getting over with...Again I am promising myself to contain all of my property to z bags...Man I hope that when I get shipped to go to unit convicts...cause these inmates are seriously lost and confused... 10 June 2005I am glad to be over with shake down. I have to remember to lighten up my load...Would you believe that I am sore from that little bit of exertion...I really need to stop with the word that I am unsure of how to spell cause I really don't talk like that...Now that is a thought; I have educated thoughts, but a Ebonics/Hood vocabulary...What's up with that? 13 June 2005Hey they let us up today...aint that nice...I hope they have a nice meal, as I am seriously hungry...let's keep it real, I love food, good food!!! Everyday it's a battle to keep from getting FAT... I mean at 5-6, 200 lbs is a lot...RIGHT? Yea I have the Big Bones...And it's all firm right now, but if I were to let myself go, it would be blubber-city in just a few months...That's in my genes, just like the baldness... 14 June 2005Myself, I love women of all shapes and sizes!!! I think I have a healthy sexuality. I don't see the point of KILLING...That's Tex Penal Style Masturbation...I guess the term killing comes from the wasted sperm, killing your babies; Then too for some, it could mean the shooting action, as if cumming they are actually gunning her down...Well the truth of the matter is that, by me, looking at a fully dressed woman, many with body counting smocks is not a sexual turn on...Now I aint saying that I'm attracted to a lot of them...To me, letting go of your control to the point of perverting yourself is to far for me to go...It's natural for man and woman to be attracted to each other...Still I have to realize that I can only see it through my eyes...Right now I'd say about 85% of the unit population is into this sexual practice, and now that all pornographic magazines have been, banned, I figure another 8% will begin to do it too!!! 14 June 2005Believe it or not there is also a secondary issue too...for many it is perceived as un-manly not to jack-off on the female officers...By not doing so a lot of people, including many of the officers (male & female) think that may be something Gary about you...A lot of Kat's have assumed that I mess around with homosexuals, and I have had fights with several cellmates about them Jacking while I am in the cell...I mean it is weird that they would see a need not to respect me simply because I am not a jacker...Its he's not a killer...he's not a real man...Okay now on the flip side of all this many of the woman do actually participate ...though its mainly done on the down low...Well I am not confused and I am not gay or bi-sexual...I think that for me, my sexuality doesn't define my masculinity therefore I don't need to put on a public sex show to prove my manhood, as I know that I am a man...Another aspect of this whole mess is some of these kats have become so addicted to killing that I feel its possible some may go the world and become potential sexual predators...that's my opinion all things considered...Over the years I have lived though many changes in prison, many within myself, some were good changes for me...Others have only brought about a loss of convenience...All in all, I have to maintain my morals and principals as I see for me...And do my best to stay out of the way of everyone else...If that means I'll be standing alone...the alone I will stand... 15 June 2005Today is commissary day...Everybody up and at it...Me, I got to collect on all ends I let out on lock downs...I bet no one has ever thought about how hard it is for a person to alter their destructive thought patterns while in prison-broke!!! Yeah it is said that they provide ALL of our basic needs: 3 meals, a bed, clean clothes, toilet paper, soap...But wait, what's up with toothpaste, deodorant, lotion? That can run about $10.00 a month, that's about $120.00 a year, but only a select few are allowed to have a paying job...it doesn't matter that Â"IÂ" have stayed out of trouble for years...see it's all decided by a computer/file review...How does a file reflect all the ups and downs that have shaped and disciplined me over the last 18 years...? Okay, I am digressing here a bit but my point is that the only way to successfully rehabilitate is to have an alternative to create a means to support your needs and wants...So I have become what is called a jail house hustler...I have stayed out of trouble so that I am available to the different ways of profit...Mainly, I gamble. I am sort of a soft-core rookie, Also, I loan money...It has seriously enhanced my ability to read people, as I try to avoid problem-people!!! Such as those that have trouble honoring their debts...Collection at times does prove to be a hassle, and over the years I have had to use violence to get paid...Now I shy away from that element as much as humanely possible...Fact is I could actually make more money (commissary) and cash money handling cigarettes and weed and cell phones and cameras...But!!! Those carry risks that I do not care to take any m ore, for any amount of money...Lets not forget that it was the chase of money that put me in this position...Then I thought that I was the ultimate smooth playa...Now my kids are grown and don't know me anymore than I know them...Half of my family has passed away...ALL!!! Of my so-called friends and homeboys have went on without me...So now, I know it wasn't worth it...But now what's next? Can't go back, yet I must pose the question; do I really have a future? Yeah, I have a lot of ideas; I mean, I've had plenty of time to THINK...I know that I CAN'T come back here...Not that I can't survive it!!! I have matured beyond all this even as it has changed around me...Right now; if I could get out of here my needs would be really simple...A job, paying a livable wage; $9.00 or $10.00 per hour. A dependable car or truck, a good woman, that's compatible with me...and a decent home. Pretty much in that order...The woman and the home I am really not really all that worried about, and the car can be fixed in time...What scare's me is the job...What happens if I can't find a job??? This is to depressing right now, I need a happy face to go out here and work my magic...Hey its Commissary Day... 16 June 2005It's all been fairly good, got all but a couple of stragglers and that's only because they have been moved around...My one ill point of this day so far, is that I came in the cell to put up my issue and somebody knocked the power off, so here I sit in this hot ass cell, no fan, no radio, just waiting for the door to open...*Note to self* I am never going to live without AC in the world...Anyway I've given serious thought to what I said earlier about educationally thinking, but speaking and thinking hood...I do not feel that it would be fair to myself to limit myself like that...What is wrong with being educated??? From now on, when writing, I will use a dictionary when a word comes to mind to ensure that I am spelling the word correctly and/or using correct grammar...Still at the same time I still do have all respect for Ebonics; so that said my dialect will be a combination of all that I truly am...Now guess where my dictionary is at this exact moment...? In my locker...Also I have noticed that I curse more now than I ever did in the world...I want and NEED to break that nasty habit... 17 June 2005Would you believe that I was so glad to be let up out of that hot cell, that yet again I forgot the dictionary...I see now that THIS will require some mental exercise...Guess what today is Chain Day...and a white boy came in off another unit...SO what, big deal, right? Well all the other white boys are strutting with there shirts off wanting to check him...For some reason that's beyond me, its become fashionable among these new wave (kids) inmates to fight the latest arrivals to see if they will stay down...Stay down for what I don't know...what purpose does it serve to have to fight the very people that are supposed to have your back??? Here is what I know...fighting will not and never has changed a thang...fighting don't pay debts, nor does it make people stop talking about you...And really a lot of these kids are fighting out of FEAR...Prison used to be dangerous...now the only real danger is stupidity...Bottom line is, its not any of my business...And I am not even going to try to stop the checking, will catch out when the shit turns serious for REAL...And that's the reality, the checking don't mean Nothing...Oh, all the Races do it...It's a kid thing... 21 June 2005I wonder if anybody who's never ever been in jail really knows how much you lose once you are confined? Imagine simple every day decisions, like when to use the restrooms or temperature of the shower water. TV is a group effort and even when all are seeking the same channel; it is a major hassle to get an officer to change the channel. Actually there is no decision for me to make that hasn't already been decided for me by the people who have never laid eyes on me...Every moment of my day is planned out and regulated...It's normal to be watched using the restroom or showering...Privacy is a dream that many prisoners cry about every day. For me that is the #1 reason I try to avoid the dormitories; cause at least with a cell I can pretend to have a semblance of privacy. But I have no excuse, simply because I knew...This is my third trip thru...although it's the first time I have stayed long enough for prison to make an impression on me and my way of thinking. 22 June 2005I usually get my writing done earlier in the day, but as they have racked us up to get the count clear. I have time to write, but I fell that we will be jacked for shower, clean clothes, and the rest of our dayroom time...It's out of my control but I am still very upset, especially about the shower...all in all, I can use the down time to unwind. I think I'll lay back and simply listen to the radio, that way I can let go of everything and just relax for a few hours. 23 June 2005Man its early...its 6:45 AM, its commissary day, and of course, I have to be about my collection. Anyway there is energy that you can actually feel...Most everyone is happy...And it's all because, hopefully somebody somewhere cares enough to send them a few dollars, so that they can get at some cookies, noodle-soups, chips, candy, etc!!! Store day and it's all peaceful...Now tomorrow all hell may break loose. Man its 5:32 p.m. and guess what; we are yet to rack up, this time for a Mike Barber revival. I ain't knocking his religion, but why do I have to be locked up in these hot ass cells because I don't care to attend...Its not about what's fair, cause fair is only a matter of who is in power... Anyway I try to write more now, mainly because of a letter I got from a lady named Stephanie. She wrote me a beautiful letter of encouragement for my writing...I do feel what she says, my biggest problem is myself...Nobody put me in prison but ME. By the very choices that I made...And after I leave this place it will be my choice of actions that keep me safe from coming back...To be sure it won't be easy from the start, the first thing I'll have to watch out for and control is depression from the pressure of day to day survival because the folks are playing some serious game. They will release me with a bus ticket and $50.00, then when I report to my PO I will get another $50.00...Man I walk out of here with zero...All I will have is the clothes I have on, $50.00 and a bus ticket to some city in Texas. With that I'm to provide myself with shelter, food, clothes, all while looking for a job...A pair of tennis shoes will kill a $50.00 dollar bill and a pair of pants and a shirt will wipe the other fifty... 25 June 2005This morning they are playing the blues on the radio and its got me thinking about the woman, I want to share my life with once I am again among the "Living". In the past I had so many restrictions on her physical appearance; she had to be a certain height and weight, color...I thought it was my right to reshape her mentality to my liking; my motto was my way or the highway...I think that I have matured out of or rather past that pimp/player mode. Now all I need is a good woman, one that will love me for the man that I am and will allow me to love her...A woman that is willing to help me even as I help her...Some of the aspects that I NEED in a woman now...She needs to be physically active, high-spirited, goal oriented, adventurous, a sports fan, high sex drive that is experimental and comfortable with her body...There is more, but those are the same points...Looks are important too, but not as much as what's in her head and her heart!!! My plan is to be about putting myself together before I search my lady love, but on the real, I've been lonely for a long time AND my freaky ass is past horny...I want and need a WOMAN to be my friend, companion, helpmate, confidant, and lover. I know that I come with a full load of baggage and issues...I want a woman to believe in me, someone that I can talk to about any and everything. Then together we will master our fears, obtain out goals even as we satisfy out lust for each other. It's funny that I spend many hours almost everyday and night fantasizing and imagining this lady and not once have I seen what she looks like, all I can picture is her personality...But not what she looks like physically...Why??? Doesn't her beauty count for anything...Yes, it does, but it's not at the top of my list...what I really desire is a lady that I can share my life with. There are so many things that I DREAM about doing, taking cruises, traveling to Vegas, going to the park and flying a kite with my grandchildren...Now that's a trip and then some!! Me a -grandfather-hopefully I am better at that than as a dad....Reality Check...I am in prison, none of my children have even seen a photo of me. On top of that their daddy=my son, from what I am told, is my son is wearing my old shoes as daddy. My point is, can't anybody hold me back, but myself...Everything in life is simply what I make of it or don't make of it. The scary part is that my do's and don'ts affect a lot of other people, even as their actions touch up on my life. Another thing that I really miss is my dogs, not just any dog but A.P.B.T. that A.D.B.A. registered and D.N.A. Now to be honest there is an honest reason for people to be afraid of pit bulls. Rottis, Doberman's, Mostif's, Corso's, and even Shepard's as all dogs bite...My point is that it's the people that make their dogs dangerous, not the breed of the dog. Since pits are an aggressive breed toward other "animals" they have to be handled at all times. A dog that will bite a man was made that way by a man, by choice or mistreatment. In the past I have "rolled" a few dogs, and I understand that time and the laws have changed...But it is a dog fight any worse than a boxing match? When its two men it's a sport, but two dogs match up and its cruelty? Please explain that to me. 27 June 2005A pit bull is very intelligent, loyal, strong, and playful. You take an untrained pit and it will naturally romp around with mostly any dog or animal it comes in contact with. But do to its character and high tolerance for pain it can and will hurt other dogs or animals in the act of plating. On top of the fact that most pit bulls just don't know when to quit. Still they make wonderful pets...house pets even...and when they are made part of the family, they are dedicated to the pleasure and protection of kids...The bottom line is that, I love American pit bill terriers and whatever the restrictions maybe, I will always breed and raise these dogs. So matching them is against the law...Okay!!! Then I'll just have to breed the weight puller!!! 29 June 2005This really is not starting out to be a good day by standards at all; can't get any hot water for a cup of coffee...then I tried to play some knock but a partner of mine from back in the day, kept starting arguments about nothing. My outlook is this; if you can't afford to lose it, then don't gamble with it!!! It's not about the money as we are not playing for steep wages, its recreational hustling...So what's the point if we aren't having fun? That's my point. I really need to mail this out soonest or sooner. These kats need to chill their emotions and remember that every man is out for himself. 18 July 2005I have been S.A.T. III for over 2 years now. Hopefully that will count for something when I come up for parole in May of next year. Cause if I am not released soon, I'll be out of excuses fro getting out. Note, I did not say going home, because the home that I left no longer exists as I knew it. That's the very point I REALLY need to convey to the parole board, but how? That nothing stays the same...time...years...decades creates change on pretty much every level. I've changed in most every aspect of my former self. But because I am a black man, from the "hood" no one wants to believe that I am different. What about the gambling? True, that I am making a fairly decent living off of it but it is against the rules and laws of the state. Why do I do it...because its fun and I need a mental exercise. The same basic principles apply to running pretty much a business! But I guess in the long run, breaking one law is just as bad as breaking another. Then too that's how they rationalize , labeling me as a gang member because of the neighborhood I am from and the people I associate with. But I have never ever in prison or the world been involved in anything closed gang-related, no drive-bys, riots, fights, or recruiting etc. And the real truth be known homosapiens are a "pack" of animals by nature...so what "folks" worse than "elks"? Generally elks commit white collar crimes, is that more acceptable than selling dope? Let me stop, as this could go to some very ugly places... 19 July 2005It's about 8:17 a.m. and "they" have the dope-dogs out walking the runs...So happened that I was up this morning, on the radio to get scores to the last night's games. Anyway I knew something was up, because they ran recreational to early, This morning recreational period is suppose to run from 7:00 to 9:30 a.m., but it is rarely called out before 7:30 to 7:45 or later. This morning it went out at 7:00 on the dot. Personally, I thought it was a sneak shake down for necessities. I've just been told that "they" have gone into a cell...I can only hope he's clean! I think that even though dogs do sniff out dope that are still some other scents that attract them. My reasoning for that thought is that on another unit I had them come into my cell and I was clean, so was my cellie. However, it's the actions of a few that affect everyone. That brings me to this thought, its not that I now consider myself a model law abiding citizen, its more of a commitment not to place myself in this type situation ever again; to that I have to stay out of jail and to do that is really simple â€"DONTBREAK ANY LAWS. Its 9:20 a.m. and they are still in that dude's cell shaking down. He's probably clean. I have been asked several intimates why I don't hook up on some weed...why? What's to gain? The money to be made is not as fast coming as booking and the risk is 100% more dangerous. A write up for gambling paraphernalia, compared to an indictment for a quantity of a controlled substance. I still have not started on my essay about "Childhood" and I don't have a reason why either. 20 July 2005This day is almost over and I have not actually done a thing...But I also have not lost anything. Actually now would be really good time to do my Bible study and send it on off. 22 July 2005It's Friday, for many it's the International Pay day. For me, it's just the end of the week. So what's on my mind today? I am worried about Nanny. I'm not even sure how old she is, but its post 80 and her health is starting to fade. With everything as it is now, it's really quite possible to have doubts about my getting a hardship transfer closer to home. And on top of that, there is Fred, he's likely to go off the deep-end when Nanny passes; no matter is he's in prison or the world! Actually this is another of those things that I don't have any control over so why worry about it, right? Now that sounds good, all I need now is for somebody to explain to me how I don't worry about it. I still have not started my essay on "Childhood, what's up with that? Maybe I should simply write a fantasy. Man its not easy even 10:00 a.m. yet and it's already hot as hell. 23 July 2005I don't get it, why is it that somebody always feel that I need to prove something, prove what? I don't have a need to be hard 24/7. And if I feel that anyone is about game, it's really simple for me to stay out their way. It's not that I am a pacifist, but I am lacking in the need to be a confrontational to everyone about most everything. Now the one thing that I must remember is that every problem has a solution. There is a solution to every problem, no matter how big or small. 24 July 2005I will not live in a no air conditioned domicile. What pisses me off is that because of the heat, you sweat because of the sweat and heat; you develop heat rash and/or a fungal growth on the skin. Now to get treatment costs three dollars but the fungicide you'll get will run out before you are cured then it costs another three dollars. It will cost six dollars to get some 1.29 cream xtime two, that's a 3.42 profit margin. They don't sell anti-fungal cream in commissionary, why? Hell I am wondering why they have banned pornographic magazines? Yet they claim that they don't want inmates masturbating on woman officers...this is a prison, there is always going to be sexual tension. 95% of criminals actually have a higher sex drive. Then too, that's only my opinion, based on my life observations and years of living in prison. I still haven't heard from Nanny that worries me. It's been over a month, which means that she is really ill. And if she can't get around then most likely she won't be able to get at that hardship transfer for me either. It's not that I can't live here because where ever I would go would still be prison. I am only hoping to end up somewhere with a few older convicts. No guarantee that it would be so, but it is a chance that I am willing to take. 25 July 2005What's really on my mind this morning is that I am gaining weight that is becoming harder to shed. I used to not worry about weight gain cause it was always so easy to knock off, but now it seems to want to stay, I am about 20 lbs over weight. I really need to get down under 180 lbs, I am at about 200 lbs now. The thing is I am not getting enough exercise and my sweet tooth is or rather has gotten out of control. Nobody can save me from me, but me! 29 July 2005It's about 2:00 p.m. and I have won $1.00 on the knock table...Plus I went to the store and got a pint of ice cream, and then guess what? Unit lock down, from what I hear is a race riot...Blacks and Mexicans. Being that more than two people are involved, it's a riot, and if two of them from different races, that makes it racial by Texas standards. Well I have two books and a radio, plus an ink pen with lots of paper...The thing is, I won't ever be in a riot, only if it goes off around me and I am in physical danger because a lot of the things are fought over, simply are not worth it to me. So here I lay writing, waiting on a Johnnie that might not get here until midnight or later...Its 2:32 p.m. and I bet it takes them 10-12 hours to get the lock down meal crew into action...They are walking about 20 "NEW BOOT" officers around the unit today...I wonder how many of them "messed" up their new uniforms when the riot call went up? I bet you my bottom dollar that one of them actually quit! 4 August 2005Today is the 4th day of this month and this is my first entry... I have really been very busy preparing for the football season... But its really about Discipline... Case I've also spent a lot of time gambling... Mentally I am still at odds with myself because Nanny's Dr. so far hasn't wrote a letter for my grandmother recommending a hardship transfer for me... Honestly its not about getting visits, I really want to get back down south to enhance my chances at making parole next year... Then on top of that Fred wants to visit... I don't want to lose my housing... And really don't want him over here... this place is too messy... too many of these youngsters recreate by fighting... Okay lets deal with the issues... As for Nanny and her Dr., well, I can't control any of that any further than explaining to nanny how and what all to say... After that... Now as to Fred, I'll tell him that I'll put in for a visit to come over there to visit him, after the football season... There, all problems solved, Nothing to agonize over... 08 August 2005Things have been really strained and hectic these last few days... I've lost one of my main sources of supplies... Now that really hurts... Hopefully, I'll soon have him replaced, otherwise, I will be forced to go manual... There's no water... the water has been off for 3 days... Things have really started to stink... All the toilets need to be flushed and everybody really needs a shower. Believe me I do understand that there will be breakdowns and malfunctions... But we will still need water...10 hours with no drinking water is actually cruel and dangerous... 09 August 2005Its really good to have the water back on... I for one, seriously missed it... So far for this month I have already written both of my brothers, Tameka not yet, Sista Moss not yet, and Nanny... So I really have at least two letters to write... And really, even though, I said only Tameka, when actually I meant, Tameka and Serloyd... That's something that I do really REALLY need to work on... Communicating with my two kids... well actually they are both very much grown now... But I still want very much to be a part of their lives, cause they are a major part of mine... The first thing I need to do is work on expressing my feelings... I guess a good start would be for me to start by being honest with myself about my true feelings... Over the years I've gotten so good at shutting off my feelings that I have forgotten to feel... 10 August 2005Last night, I got into a fight... Yes a real fist fight!!! I am shocked and extremely sore this morning... Youngsta asked me to play his hand of knock while he showered... So after a couple of hands Sugar bear starts gong off about how I am playing the Hand... Yea, I did tell him that I wasn't playing for him to win... Or anybody else other than ME!!! So he tells me to shut up... Okay so, I politely told him that I would NEED help to shut up... and that if he didn't want me talking to him that he would need to wait and move around... Now, I have known Sugar Bear for 22 years so I already knew, that he'd try to sucka-punch me... He did... I almost weaved it, he got me on my bad shoulder... I almost Poo-Poo-ed... The sum total of all that is that, I got some scratches on my wrist and a first hand look at how out of shape I really am... Imagine two grandfathers trying to fight... 11 August 2005I am still very sore... But anyway life will go on so I had better keep going also... Yesterday was so-so... I lost a $1.00 in gambling... But Business is picking up too!!! What I really need is for this month to be Over and Done with... July and August are not My months... No marketable sports and its Hot and Humid... For the best time of year is anywhere between October and December!!! That's goodDressing weather and there are Plenty of sports ation... I got a letter from Fred, he's worried about Nanny too!!! I have come to realize that Nanny is really up in age and might not be HERE that much longer... But as much as I wish differently I have no power to change that... Hopefully Fred wont freak out, when she does... I am really hoping that, I can make it out here before any of that happens, at least maybe Fred will be around... Soon!!! 13 August 2005I have really been busy these last few days... Somehow, I am going to have to allocate a time to write... I have actually started to feel guilty about not writing... I wrote my brother and to let him know how I feel about his not being there for Nanny... I am not trying to understand... Nanny has always been there for "us" on every level... Hopefully Fred will make Parole, that will ease my mind a bit, cause he'll do the right thing... I need to write to Tameka and Serloyd... see, the problem is that in my mind I still see them as babies... Man I have missed so much and can't make any of it up... I guess all I can do is simply say what is in my heart and I hope that I have the presence of mind to express myself clearly... Tameka...Serloyd... if one day either of the ever happen upon this Journal... I want it known that I love you both Beyond measure of words... And I am truly sorry for not being there when I was really most needed by you both... Everyday I wish I had something to share with you, some wisdom or outlook at the least... But it's plain to see that I have pretty much wasted my life... Not to Disagree... I have never been good at expressing or sharing my feelings with Anybody... and on top of that neither of you have "I" that you look back on and say that Man loves me... I am sorry for that too!!! In my heart we will always be a FAMILY... 15 August 2005I really need to catch up, I am still in July mode... I still don't know how the mailroom is going to react to this paper... they now have a rule, that indigents can use only indigent supplies... I have already stopped trying to figure out the "for's" and the "why's" of every rule on the books... Just like it's 3 rows of cells to each section with 5 showers for 48 people each, but there is a rule that you can only use the shower on the row that you live on... I live on the 3rd row and would be out of place on two or one row shower's...see that's unexplainable... My cellie just came in and I can see that. He's grouchy about something so, I'm a get out of the way of Him and his emotions... 16 August 2005I have really got a problem with my cellie, he's so gone into the prison killer mode that he's lost himself... He actually expects Me to be on page with all of his out looks on Everything... I will be the first to admit that from time to time I slip and digress into Barbarianism, But!! Most of the time I am able to catch myself before I do something really Stupid... Hell Look at Iraq... All that killing... and has all that much changed??? Those people still live in fear... FEAR is not a Life force to me... 17 August 2005Man I have worked out with JW last night and I am already sore as hell in places that shouldn't even exist on my Body... But I really caught the Juice last night... I pushed myself well past a second wind and that's what I need to get some endurance "and" conditioning... My boy Sugar Bear went to section3 yesterday to do some BOXING... not fighting but boxing... The damn fool tried to box a kid less than half his age... The first two rounds he looked okay about halfway through the third round, he got tired and the youngster knew it too!!! He didn't get hurt as much as he was embarrassed... the man really needs to realize that this is 2005 NOT 1985!!! He has school aged grandchildren and he's still trying to box... On top of that $10.00 down the drain, klop... Fred told me in his last letter that he sends it direct, cause Nanny is not able to run around anymore, plus she, seems to be getting absent minded about some things... Anyway, money from our families is one of the ways many of us equate love from outside these walls... For many it's easier to send $25.00 or $50.00 than to visit... As strange as it sounds that's a factual reality. 18 August 2005What I need to do is talk to somebody about my mail... To ensure that it will go out... As I am now once again indigent... So far I have not attempted to mail out any of the Notebook Paper that CRESP has sent to me... But it will be tried very soon... And this month is almost over and I don't have an essay topic for next month... My mind is shutting down on me, All I can think about is football, college football, and the NFL. 20 August 2005Again the "Fallacy" of youth shows itself... the kids beat a man nearly to death... so its said for reasons that are beyond my knowledge... what I know is that I spent a whole day confined to that hot ass cell, eating Johnie-sacks... But the really cute part is that whatever it was about... Its still the same... I am the first to admit that at times some sort of Discipline is merited... But it must always be administered with... COMMON SENSE... 22 August 2005Maybe today there won't be any fights... Matter of fact, I think the next fight will see us on lockdown for at least two weeks... A lot of times it looks as though all of this is Related but its not, it aint nothing but a bunch of kids playing Gangsta Games... 23 August 2005I can't seem to get started today, its always 3:00 A.M. and I have not even brushed my teeth yet... Really I just got out of bed... Hopefully I am not coming down with something... I need to hear from Fred... Soonest, as I am just about on my last leg about everything... Well there really isn't no point in pretending, I am getting back in bed, the hell with the rest of the world at least for Now!!! 25 August 2005It's only been a couple of days and here we are locked up in the Hot ass cells again... Somebody "set it off" somewhere... Every fight is not always gang related!!! Man I can't think right now... 29 August 2005Man, I have been slipping, seriously... It's been over 4 days since I wrote anything and I am about 4 or 5 days... really "6" letters behind on my mail... Even now as I sit here, I can't find a thang to blame... I have been working out with J.W. and already I can feel the Difference... I am sleeping better... Its really funny that, I have so much money owed to me, but can't keep any in my locker... its about 3 or 4 hours before chow and I am "starving" and I don't have nothing but a generic soda in my locker box... Yet Wednesday when they run store, I get about $12.00 coming just on this pad alone... I think, I am going to slide back from soups and start eating oatmeal... I really need to step away from cookies and chips... 30 August 2005I got mail from Fred last night, and he's got a FI5... He's going home... might be for another year but if he don't do a thang stupid, it's all over... and it could be next month... Anyway there is a program that he has to complete... Most likely, he'll be shipped there as soon as a bed is available...That's a 6 month program... man I am Happy for Him and at the same time I am wishing it was Me... But, its good that he's going home, hopefully he'll be home soon enough to see to Nanny... And possibly assist me on a few other things that I truly need done out there to smooth my way for whenever I do raise up out here... I need to be released... Soon!!! 6 September 2005I am at a loss to how the USA would and could allow "Katrina" to happen. Don't get lost on me here, as any man or woman can stop or control a hurricane, but they pretty much knew the force and direction of Katrina. They had enough time to mobilize and evacuate all 3 million people out of New Orleans. The military is for the protection and welfare of USA citizens...Right? So how come all of these resources were only called out after and not before...85 % of those worse hot and put out by Hurricane Katrina are black and low income, mostly without any type of insurance of any kind... 7 September 2005Now Mr. Bush is talking about "A Fact Finding" to discover what went wrong and what went right...What is right about a whole city lost and as many as 30,000 dead. I reckon that of all the people that have been relocated about 25% will never make back to New Orleans simply because they basically have nothing to return too! I feel sorry for them and at the same time I am very upset that this happened, especially since it could have and should have been avoided in the first place. The property damage, that's a given in any storm that severe, it's the loss of life and the fact that these people were left stranded. Many of these people did not have the resources to leave in the first place. The military of America has planes that transport tanks and helicopters around the world. Right? Bush is the commander in chief, right? This is the same man that signed a bill that made it a law for high schools to provide information on juniors and seniors to military recruiters...Why??? What about college? 8 September 2005Several people have asked me why I am mad. As I don't have any family in New Orleans or Mississippi that I know of...My thing is that it could have been any where, Houston, Boise, Columbia etc. Our government knew about it early enough to get ALL those people out and for what ever reasons they didn't. Now everybody is pointing fingers at everybody else... Tell me why what is 2,000 dollars to someone that has only the clothes on his back? No place to stay, no place to go, no car or clothes. I thought America was the greatest country on this earth, well what happened? Cause I know the white house has a world class weather tracking system and the pentagon has one also just as good, maybe even better...see that's what I though all those tax dollars were about, to strengthen out country. Yes I am mad and very seriously hurt too... 9 September 2005Today is the first Friday of football season and as always I am nervous. The whys and what for's are really simply beyond my consciousness...Still, I do hope to do good this year. I made out very good last year. The pre-season was good, so if I can maintain that status throughout the season it would be great. Also I really need to get myself locked into a solid schedule again. As I am currently discombobulated, don't think that's a real world, but it fits exactly how I feel... |