The journal of Charles V. AndersonTable of Contents:
Saturday, January 1, 2005 Time 2:00 AMWell it is New Year's Day and I'm here at the Dalhart Prison Unit in Dalhart Texas. I'm not much on writing or spelling but I wanted to start out this new year doing some thing I've never done in my life: write a yearly journal or to the ladys a diary, but which ever you choose to call it. But remember I'm not a writer and my writing will look very bad, but this is my life though my eyes as I see it and I hope that it will bring some thing to your life as I write if no more than a laugh or hope. And no I'm not trying to write to prove anything other than I'm as free as you only locked up, now it did take me some time to get this way and no I'm not a religious fanatic but I do believe and love my Lord God even though I'm not perfect. Before I get started in this venture I think it's best to thank the good people at the Alternatives Library in Ithaca, NY for they are the ones that offer me the chance to start writing, or at least offer the chance and I took it who knows maybe some one will get some thing out of it and I get a chance to maybe learn more about myself. I feel that life is too short to feel sorry for myself but I feel sorry for the ones I've hurt in my life, but it is my cross I've got to bear not yours but mine and let me say there is not a day that goes by that I don't think how stupid I've been in my life. With that I'll close out this day. Sunday, January 2, 2005 Time 10:00 PMWell the day was great. I got mail which in a place like this it feel so good to hear your name called out it like Christmas morning when you were a kid and seen all the presents under the Christmas tree. Today I got a Magazine of the Men's Journal which is one of the mag. that I like. I try to keep up with the world outside this fence I don't want to leave this place and not know what's out there even though it will be some time before I get out but I'll write about that another day. If you are wondering why I started my Journal at 2:00 AM in the morning it was not a miss type I get up every day at 2:00am and I go to work at 3:00Am. I work in the laundry department. I give clothes to the other Inmates, which I've been doing for the last 3-1/2 years now but it is a good job. I do not get paid for the work that I do cause Texas do not pay their prisoners for working in their factory or job site or field except for good time which does not mean anything but some figure wrote down in somebody computer some where cause if we really got good time how could a person do 160% of their time and still be here? It's like anything else the government does - say one thing and do another - but don't get me wrong. I love my country and I'm proud of the fighting men in our military. I wish I could do my time in the military instead of this place. They would not have to pay me just give me the same as here: a place to sleep and 3 hot meals a day. But when I finish give me freedom or let me stay and pay me. They could get a lot of men and women that would go for that and it would save a lot of money for the Taxpayer out there and we would not have the same benefit as the rest of the military. We would not have pall grant or retirement like free military. I guess what I'm saying we would be kind of like the Buffalo soldier and I don't mean that in a disrespectful way by comparing me to them I just saying we would still be in slavery fighting two battles: one for our country and the other for our freedom. I think it should be an option and it would change the lives to a lot of us in more ways than you would think. It would give us a means of learning and become a better person all the way round. As I close out this day I also want to let who reads this that I'm not trying to be anything other than my true self. I'm just trying to vent my thoughts not to you but to myself. Monday, January 3, 2005 Time 7:00 PMWell here I am again writing. I've had a busy day today. I had to go to a yearly evaluation. I got to do this every year and what it consists of is going down to Medical which is the prison infirmary and get weighed and blood pressure and then the worse part at least to me is when they give you a T.B. test every year. I hate when they stick that needle in my arm. This year I asked why I got to take one every year and I was told that way if they miss somebody coming in that had T.B. they could figure out quicker who got it. Well, I still feel like maybe I'll end up with it just from the test. Lord, I hope not cause I've never had any kind of thing before and I don't want anything now. Yesterday I told you I got a mag. Well I was wrong cause I got that the 31 of December 2004. Sometime my days run together. I'm sorry if I confused you. I forgot it was Sunday - we don't get mail on the weekends. The state cut that out giving mail on Saturday. They cut back to try to save money. Other than that I've had a good day. I did get mail today from the Alternative library. Well I close out this day and look forward to tomorrow for there is hope with just a little faith. Tuesday, January 4, 2005Well it is 2AM again and everybody is asleep except for about 20 people out of 105 people that live in this doom. The people that are up now work in the laundry or the kitchen. In a place like this people never truly sleep there is always something going on as far as work. I don't have much to say today. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I think I'm going to start writing at night cause I can see that this is not working out this early so I'll stop with that today. Wednesday, January 5, 2005 Time 8:25 PMWell this day was a lot better than yesterday and I think this is a better time to write in this journal but we'll see. Now let me tell you a little about myself. First off I'm 35 years old and I'm not involved with anybody other than my family that is my son, Dad, Mom, and sometimes my Sister, but that is another story. I have been married 2 times and shacked up one time. What I've learned about this, you got to give as much which sad to say I did not give my best but maybe one day I'll have a chance with someone else but if not I have the joy and the knowing to know that at one time that I had the world of love even if I was too stupid to know that then but no regret I made my life as it is. My son was by the lady that I was shacking up with. I think that that was about the best thing that came out from our relationship. She was not a bad person but too much like me ina lot of ways as in wild. She has only had custody of our son for maybe a year total in his life and now he is 11 years old. I was a single dad before I got married the second time but I think I got married for the wrong reason not for love but to have a companion more or less but don't get me wrong. I did love her and I hope that she loved me. I think she only married me cause she was 25 living at home with her 72 year old dad and I was that first one that ever told her that I would not sleep with her unless we were married so we got married but we did have a good life sometime but we both came to prison and that was that. We're not married anymore. She went her own way. Thursday, January 6, 2005 7:00 PMWell I got mail today from my dad which is good. I wish I got more than I do from him but he does not like to write too much. He works so hard taking care of my son and my mom. She is ina wheel chair. Now I wish I could have been as good as my dad. If there was ever a super hero it would be my dad. He been with my mom I know for 41 years. I've always wanted to find a love like that. well things have been going good today for me. Just one more day that I don't have to do here that much closer to home where ever that may be when I get out. I don't know yet, but I still have some years left to think about it and make plans. I still have 4-1/2 years left before I'm eligible for parole but that don't mean I'll get it. Well I'll close for the night. Friday, January 7, 2005Well I had another good day. The day seemed to have passed so quickly today. I've started my New workout program today. I said I was going to start working out at least one hour a day to get in better health. As I write I may skip a day or two as I go along that way things will not get so repeated. Now more about myself. I'm a White guy but I love all people in and out of relationship. Now at one time I would not look beyond my own race cause of fear but I guess my sister has a lot to do with me looking beyond my nose. She married a guy from Belitham and she adopted bohima children when she was younger I say younger in the last 12 or 11 years ago and I think it opened doors to my way of thinking for feat of what people would think about me but when you are young you are stupid sometimes but my can see thank God. Sunday, January 9, 2005 Time 9:00 PMHello again. Well like I said in the last entry I was going to skip around some on the days and here it is Sunday. I just finished writing my dad. I hope he is not made at me when he gets my letter cause he asked me a few questions when I was in the county jail the last time I seen him five years ago and I did not know how to answer. He asked me why I never came and told him if I was having problems before he walked out of the room. Well I opened up my heart some thing I have a hard time doing to another man even if he is my Dad. I know he loves me and everything it's just the way I was raised. I guess you just keep on going no matter what happens. In some ways it has made me stronger and in other ways it has made me weaker but as I get older I learn how to open up through reading self-help books and stuff. I remember a time you did not cry; that was weak. But now some times I find myself with tears running down my face then I have to cover up to keep people from seeing. And them books that V. C. ANDREWS writes or wrote will sure make you cry. I think she was a great writer and it seems that every story she wrote I can see myself in them and things in my life. But the greatest fear is losing my dad before he knows how much I love him and it was not his fault for the choice that I've made in my life. You know there is just so much a father can do for their kids before he has to let go. Me, I could not wait to get out. I thought my dad did not know anything. Boy was I wrong. As I get older I see the man my dad was and what he meant in those life lessons he gave. Now let me say this, I had a very loving Dad who did not beat me or anything. He was there I just was not. I thought I knew everything... Tuesday, January 11, 2005 Time 5:00 PMWell here I am again trying to write again. God my muscles hurt from working out. I think every part of my body has some kind of hurt, but the working out is getting better. I've got two guys that I work out with. I found it is better to work out with someone that way when you don't feel like it you have somebody to tell you to come on let's get going, and to remind you that you don't get anywhere just laying around in your bunk you got to work even harder. I've lost 5 pounds since I started and my weight lifting is improving. I'm hoping that I will be able to bench 250 pounds around July right now I just can push 160. Weak I am but like Popeye says eat spinach. I just wish I had some. We don't get that too often but when we do I eat it like it was my last meal. Friday, January 14, 2005 Time 6:00 PMWell it was a good day. I had a hard day at work giving extra clothes for the holidays. Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. You know I think he was a very good speaker. I read his last writing called serman on the mountain top. I think that was what it was called. Anyway I can't wait for Monday to come cause on the holiday we get extra food and I always get full on them days. The food here has went down hill a lot. I get so tired of pan cakes and pork roll or something like that but the cake we get two times a week are good but on days when we eat pancakes for breakfast and two corn dog for lunch and pan cakes for supper that can't be healthy for any body but I know one thing: I've come to like any kind of vegetable I can get on my tray. Tuesday, January 18, 2005Well here I am again pushing these keys on this old beat-up typer hoping that I have not lost anybody that may be reading these pages from boredom. Like I said before This is just the way I see it and the way I feel. I think it is time to let go of the past and look to the future and I feel that the best way is to put your thoughts on paper and get on with one life and who know there might be some lady out there that might like what she reads and wants to write me. At least if there is any body that wants to write me they will know my thoughts before they take that chance and know I'm just me nothing fancy just a person like every body else that was stupid at one time in their life but that is not so far gone that they can not change for the better and live a wholesome life. Wednesday, January 19, 2005It's Wednesday and I feel good that I'm alive and able to find good all around me. I think that the working out is doing good for me. I feel heppier and feel better about every thing even for the people that are working here to make a living. I'm getting out of that frame of mind that everybody that works for the State is but holes. Call me sale out or whatever else you want but I am trying to get out of that frame of mind that I've had all my life. I don't blame the people that work here for me being here. Shoot they got to make a living some how. I think if I was not on this side of the fence I would be working here, too. They have good benefits. Even if they have to put up with butt holes like me some times but I'm getting better and being more a man than a dumb ass to people around me. Friday, January 21, 2005Well I got mail to day from the out cry news paper. It is really good. It has some really good article on law and religion. I've been trying to think of a way to tell my story to the people that reads these pages but some time it is so hard some time I don't believe it myself but it's true. Maybe soon I'll tel ya' when I get a little better in my writing cause I don't want any misconceptions about me. I still have not heard from my dad. I just hope he does not hate me and turn his back from me but time will tell. Sunday, January 23, 2005 Time 3:45 PMWell I've been sitting here listening to the blues on the radio. It is one of my favorite radio programs on the weekend. I like all kinds of music and it's just one of the ones I like. I like a lot of the old stuff and classical. The college in Amarillo has a good radio station on the weekends. In the last few pages I've been telling you a little about myself so here's some more. I have one sister that I get along with sometimes. She is older than I by 6 years and that's all I have a s far as sister and brother. I got two loving parents that have been married for ever and faithful to each other. I always wish I had a marriage like theirs but I just have not found that yet. Maybe one day. Sometime I think there is nobody out there for me to love and that loves the same thing as I do. Tuesday, January 25, 2005 Time 4:00 PMI got mail today from a bee company. They sent me a catalog of their supplies. I would love to learn how to work with bees. I hope that one day when I get out I can build me a homestead to farm on. A small one or large one I'm not too picky as long as I can work it and be able to take care of the livestock. I've been thinking of the micro farms. I've odered a book by M.G. Kains called Five Acres and Independence. I had a place in the free world that I lost when I got locked up. I had two pigs, 22 chicken, one goat, and a garden. I loved it but my ex-wife hated it. She never helped. If it was not on t.v. she did not like it. But my son loved it. More later on that. For now I'll close for the night. I got to read this catalog and drool over the product. Thursday, January 27, 2005 Time 8:15Well I had a doctor appointment this morning to check on my cholesterol. I was good so they say and my weight was still fat. The scale told me to get off and come back when I'm alone. Ha! HA! HA! The lady said I need to lost about 20 pounds so I will have to cut out the bread and pankcakes. I hope that works cause I want to be in better shape for me and whoever I'm with. I think One of the biggest problems I've had in life is that I've always hated myself and therefore how could anybody really get close to me when I did not love myself. I etll you them self-help books really help if you let them and I like Doctor Phil show. He got some good things on there but like any human some time I don't agree but hey, he must know something; he's the one getting paid. Monday, January 31, 2005 Time 2:00 AMWe got snow last night. It sure is going to be cold outside this morning so I thought I would write this morning before I went to work. It's the end of the first month and we got snow again. The only bad thing about the snow is if the snow crew did not shovel off the sidewalk it's going to be hard for me pushing the clothes buggy from building to building to give the other inmates their clothing. I looked on the menu for breakfast. We will have pancakes, oatmeal, coffee, syrup and apple sauce. Well I close out this day so I can start to work. 2 February 2005Wednesday, Time 3:45 PM Well got mail for the first time this month got a mag. The Mandala it's a Buddhist mag. It's pretty good, it has a lot of good stuff as far as taking responsibility for your own action and teach you about meditation to free the mind. I know some of you that reads these pages if anybody does think I'm a boring person but what is there to write from in here. I'll try harder as I go along so bear with me and I'll try to get better with my writing. 4 February 2005Friday, Time 8:00 PM I got a letter from my dad today praise god I've been so worried cause of the last letter I've wrote him, it's like a mule just got off my chest and I can breathe I did not know how he was going to take what I said but I think it opened up new doors for our relationship to grow stronger. My son is doing much better but he keeps asking when I'm coming home it's so hard to tell him so that he can understand that he will be 16 when I come up for parole I just hope that when he gets older he will know even though I'm locked up that I still love him and would give the world if I could. 6 February 2005Sunday, Time 3:45 PM Well I went to church today. Had a good service. We had some free world people come in to sing let me tell you they could sing like a bird. The weather has been nice here and my workout is getting better and better as the day goes by. The food still sucks but that can be dealt with just got to eat more vegetable and drink more water. I'm still walking on clouds from getting that letter from dad and my son and mom. I just wish I could see them but they live 12 hours away and mom is not able to travel much and my dad is not much better even though he takes care of the house and stuff. Well that's just about it for the day. 10 February 2005Thursday Well here I am again writing in this journal trying to make a mark for myself in my own way by telling my life story as best as I can, it's so hard cause you set and think, what have I done, what an I even doing trying, who would read it anyway. As you can tell I'm having one of my doubtful days at least that's what I like to call it anyway and I guess I let this day go by and stop here with this writing I don't want to sound negative or anything so I will close. 14 February 2005Monday, Time 5:00 PM Well Happy Valentine's day to me being I did not get a card from anybody I guess people don't think about you when you're locked up in a place like this. But I did get my Outdoor Photographer mag. Today which is good I just love learning new stuff. MY dad had a photo thing that he could make pictures in the dark room which consisted of the bath room which was helll when you was a kid and needing to go to the bathroom it seem right when he had his sign hanging on the door stay out. He made black and white picture of old photos from old film when he was a little boy and I did not know they had camera back then Ha! HA! But he did not do much of it cause he was always working on the pipe line. 15 February 2005Tuesday, Time 7:45 Pm Well hello again. I had a good day I got two books today one is called five acres and independence by M.G. Kains and the other is called shack, shanty, cabins, it is a book about building shelter in the woods. I love any thing that may help me get a better understanding of life and farming I wish I lived on a farm so I could learn the things I need to learn when I was a little boy my dad's daddy had a small farm with chicken and crops and they raised a steer too every year and I remember him walking to the neighbor and getting fresh cow mild god that was so good. Whatever happened to the simple life I know there are those still living it as I hope to live it one day but until then I can still dream and prepare for it. 16 February 2005Wednesday, Time 8:10 PM Well yesterday I also got a letter from Durland Alternatives Library also known as CRESP telling me I need to get these pages in the mail so they can be shown to you. I have been wondering when I was to wend them anything and now I know so I hope if you're reading this you will continue to for it will get better I promise just give me time to figure how to do this right and learn as I go. Also to day I got a card from my sisterfor Valentine's Day it was so cute it had a little dog on it saying hello. I was glad to hear from her even if I'm mad at her for what she said to me in her last letter, she's still my Big SISTER even if she is a butt hole sometimes but I love her just the same well I got to go. 18 February 2005Friday, Time 5:15 PM Well it's Friday again and this month is just about over man time flies sometime. I had a hard day at work today. We had to give extra clothes for the federal holiday so I'll be off Monday so hopefully I will have this in the mail Tuesday and still make the deadline I hope. I think I am going to try to write this stuff on paper then type what I write maybe that will help me get better with my writing at least that is what the kind folk at CRESP said might help. I have been also making me a homestreder hand book with all kinds of information to start a home stead with out costing a lot of money it will have a cookbook and all it's something I can use when I get out I find my information from many sources that help, I'm about 120 pages into it one day I'll have enough for that volume. 20 February 2005Sunday, Time 2:00 Well I just though I would get another page in before I mailed this first part in. The food we had today was great we had mexican food which was good, other than that not much happening here at this prison except a lot of sports on tv which I don't like a lot of well not that I don't like sport I just do like hearing 80 grown men yelling at the tv and calling the people on tv stupid. I keep telling some of them that if they would listen to themselves they would see how stupid they are. I mean you take a man that makes 8 to 9 million dollars a year and try to tell him he's stupid when you can't even stay out of prison I just can't see the person on tv being stupid at least he's smart enough to make a million. My dad told me one time never listen to anybody unless they're doing better than you are it took me 30 years to understand that. 21 February 2005Monday, Time 10:21 PM Well it's Monday again and I had the day off, so I got the chance to spend a little more time in the gym, not that I don't have a lot of time. But I try to stay on a routine. I'm learning to discipline myself on working out, and also for my life. Today I signed up for a class called Peer Education. It is about HIV, AIDS, Hepatitus, and other sexual diseases. The food I ate today was good we had smoked hot link two pieces of bread and bean and rice, brownie, stewed okra, tea. I did not eat breakfast or supper I stayed in my cell and ate a soup with a peanut butter sandwich. They had pancake for breakfast, and for supper so I did not go. A man can only eat so many pancakes. Well I guess I'll close for the night 2:30 AM comes early and my day is long. 23 February 2005Wednesday, Time 8:28 pm Well here I am again writing to let the world know how I feel. I got mail today, well not today so-to-speak, what I did get was a mail room lay-in so I can go and pick up some mail at the unit mail room. We get this type of notice when you get a package and it take your singer to pick up. A lot of times everybody gets books or someone loved one sent a card that plays music, you know the one that plays Christmas song or birthday song. They will call you down so they can throw it away you can't have anything like that here. So I will have to wait for tomorrow, God it's going to be hard to sleep tonight thinking about what I could have gotten, cause I don't have any idea what it could be. I was so tired yesterday that I could not stay awake I went to bed at 6 PM. I guess your body shuts down when you don't get much sleep, but it's hard to sleep when you have lights on you for 24 hours a day. It's kind of like you're under a microscope. Well I guess I will close this our for today. 24 February 2005Thursday, Time 9:45 pm Well, I had another good day today, it was long but good. I went to the mail room today to see what package I got in the mail and lord and behold I got a package from the Alternatives Library full of books. Let me tell you, people on the outside just don't understand how good it makes a person feel to get books, especially when I get the kind I love. Like books on gardening. You know when a man has time on his hands he should try to better himself, when you are in a place like this. Me I try to learn as much about farming as I can cause I know when I get out life for me is going to be hard and I don't won't to go go back to what I was before. I need a way to take care of myself and my family. People on the outside sometimes look in at only the bad in us and the government tries to make things sound worse than they are. So they can get more tax dollars out of people. I find that every time I look at a T.V. I see a crime show that makes it look like things are going to waste. But at least I can say one good thing about a show called Jonny Zero it's about an ex Â-- con trying to do right. People don't understand how hard it is to find a job or a house to live in, would you hire an ex-con or give him a house to live in? Most people won't because of fear and uneducation about ex-cons they think well he will never change, and don't get me wrong so he won't. But I can understand from what people see on T.V. this day and time. Don't get me wrong there are some bad seeds in here and will never learn but not everybody is bad. Is this a cry for help? Yes! Help to educate the public. To ask for you to look around before you yourself become a slave to the state. Stop the dumbing down of America through T.V. and political lies. Do I think there should be no lies? I think we need laws, for without them there would be a total breakdown of our country and we don't want that. But let's look at the good in each other and look and learn from each other to make this country strong again and with that I'll close for the night. 26 February 2005Saturday, Time 10:48 pm Here I am again. The day went good except for the meals we had were pancakes for breakfast, and for lunch we had two hotdog wieners and two slices of bread with sauerkraut and sweet potato, and mustard and for supper we had bean and wiener with the wiener chopped up. I might have gotten two wieners in the whole mess and two slices of bread with green beans on the side. As you can see from the meals we did not eat healthy today. But they don't care as long as they can say they fed us. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be better than today as far as food goes. I got a mail room lay-in last Friday and they would not let me have a Filed and Stream mag. because it had something to do with taking a part of a gun. But yet we live right next to a small airport and I can go to the library and get a book on how to fly a small plane, the same book you use to get your pilot license from the FAA. And they stop a mag. showing how to clean a gun. It just don't make any sense to me but that's the way the cookie crumble I guess. What's even funnier then that is that one time I asked if they could order a book on how to sail a sailboat, well the library said she probably could not cause it would be an escape risk and here I am living in west Texas in the middle of nowhere and no river for at least 100 miles that's if it even still has water in it. But the thing they look at just don't make sense, but I guess that's just life everybody needs a good laugh sometime. Well I guess I'll close until next time. 1 March 2005Tuesday, Time 7:45 pm Well here I am again writing, God it's been a long day. I've started a class that I have volunteered for. It's called Peer Education, it's a week long I think. I will get a lot out of it, but like the old saying goes "you get a lot out what you put in", but the hardest part is looking at your own self. A lot of people spend their life looking at your own self. Well I got up on the side of the bed this morning or so-to-speak. I did not get to until 11:00pm last night and the boss came and woke us up at 12:00 am to hand out meal cards and if who ever reads this does not know what a meal card is well it has a box for every day for three meals a day and we also use it to get clean clothes from the laundry and if you lose it you get a case. But anyway they pass that out at 12am and then I had to get up at 2am so I could go to work. Then when I got off I came back to the dorm where I live I tried to get a little sleep before I went to school which as soon as I went to sleep a friend woke me back up to give me a push up pop that he had bought for me on commissary. I was so tired I had a hell of a time trying to eat the darn thing, I looked like a bloody fool you would think I was three years old than 35. I think I got more down the front of my shirt then my mouth but other then that I did ok. Life could be worse, I could be living in Iran. Well I'll close this day out time to get some sleep hopefully! 2 March 2005Wednesday, Time 1:00pm Here I am again writing to tell you about my life behind these prison walls. First off I'm setting in Peer Class learning about HIV. Which seems so much more than I knew and people let me tell you get tested and get educated so you will know. I will leave it at that. I've had a good day so far we had good chow today so I feel full something I have not felt for the last three days but hey I'm losing weight which I wanted to do anyway. People let me tell you if you have a habit come to prison and they will brake them for you like smoking, over eating and such, especially smoking. I used to smoke a pack a day when I was free. Now I can't stand to smell them. When I smoked I did not know I smelled so bad when I got through, now don't get me wrong there is still illegal here but I refuse to smoke and I am not going to pay a dollar for one hand-rolled cigarette or 25.00 for a pack that's right 25.00 for a pack. I try to stay away from that B.S. so I can go home one day. I have a son that will be 12 years old soon and he is all I have left and I would like to be there for him when he gets older. 3 March 2005Thursday, Time 11:25 pm Well here I am again in Peer Class learning about T.B., Diabetes, Staphylococcus AKA Staff. It is so scary hearing about this stuff it sure makes a man think. There is so much out there that makes you wonder if it's worth taking a chance with someone! But I guess I'll take that chance when it comes but I will be more cation this time. Thank God I've never had anything. I hope whoever reads this will look into getting an education about this kind of stuff. With education we can stop the spread. I don't want to sound stupid but there is a lot out there in the world that could have happened. I think prison has been good for me as far as teaching me by taking this life helping class, things I did not learn out in the world most people out there are sick that said it can't happen to me and later died. So if you have a community class sign up for it or talk to the community and get one started it is the only way, education is the key to fight for life. With that I'll close for the day. 7 March 2005Monday, Time 10:25pm Well here I am again it's been four days since I've wrote and believe me I have sincerely tried to keep up. You know people on the outside of these prison walls think we lay up all day and do nothing, well not everybody here lays up, not if you want the few privileges we get. Anyway I finish up Peer Education last Friday which was good. I feel that everybody should take the peer education class not just people locked up but free world people. If they did they would surely look at life a little different way. They would be more careful in sex before they jump in bed with someone. It scared me so bad hearing all the stuff I've learned I don't know if I want sex when I get out! Well it will take a special person and somebody I've been seeing for more than a year and has a wedding ring on my finger. I don't want to ever have another shack up or anything like that life is too short. I want a wife to be my lover at least I will know where we've been. I'll close for now but think about a real relationship made on communication and not sex! 8 March 2005Tuesday, Time 9:31pm Hello here I am again. In the last entry I was talking about not having sex again unless I have a wife. Well I still stand by that, I just don't think there is anybody out there for me. Who would want a prisoner or ex-con like me. I have nothing to offer but love and friendship and like my mom and dad always said you cannot live by love alone. But if by chance it does happen she will be treated like a queen and a good friend. It scares me sometimes thinking about when I get out I've already been locked up for five years and 3 months and 16 days and I won't be eligible for parole until Nov. 21, 2009. I will have done ten years by then flat and I will be 39 years old way too old. God how I wish I could change my past decisions to better myself. Just to have someone to talk to, someone to hold on to, just someone to just say we are going to make it Â-- "O" the thing you wish for when they are gone with that I will close for the night as I cry another tear in my pillow once again good night whoever you are and may God guide you on the good path of life. 9 March 2005Wednesday, Time 7:25 pm Well here I am again, just setting here trying to type another page in my life as I see it. I feel that most people lose the ability to see life for what it is. By saying that I mean that people in general spend the most part of their life trying to achieve something tangible to hold on to and in the long run they end up with a lot of nice things to look at but in the end they are all alone, friends have grown up, parents passed away, love on would not hang on and the whole time people have forgotten the most greatest of things, love of ones neighbor and family and country. But it's nothing new I feel that we've changed with the economic as life got easier we got greedier that's just mankind. But like the old saying goes, "stop and smell the rose," sometime before you find out that you are one of the people that miss out on life, get back to the family and friends. Find a good church or temple and look at life through new eyes and you will soon find out that a new big screen T.V. is not really as important as a good friend or the love of family so reach out and touch someone life today and live free. 11 March 2005Friday, Time 8:00 pm Well it's Friday again another work week has finished up and now I got the long weekend to get through. It's funny when I was asked if I wanted the opportunity to write in a journal project, I said to myself why! Then after a while I thought why not. The hardest part of doing this is the writing part, now don't get me wrong I've got a lot to say I just don't know how to say it. I've got story I would like to write to put what I really want to say on paper and it comes out right. I remember when I was in school as I said before I was in special ED. English but we had a writing contest for Halloween where they give you a picture and you write a story about it the teacher did not like me in the first place and I told her that I was going to win and she said that she doubt it well I won in the end and got a big bag of candy which I gave away to the class she was mad but that's life. But bear with me as I get better and hopefully we'll learn something together. But before I go remember this "It's not what man set out to do it's what he finish in life. 14 March 2005Monday, Time 8:25pm Well here I am again. I've been a little sick with the flu, everybody here has been a little sick. Now let me catch you up on my life. First off let me catch you up on my life. First off I got some books from the Alternatives Library. Thank you Alternatives Library. One of the best book I got was a Simon and Schuster Handbook for writers, so maybe my writing will improve a little. There is so much I would like to say but I just don't know how to put the old pen to the paper. Like once said, "The pen is mightier than the sword," which is very true because the whole world can be moved by the written world. As I said before I was in Special ED. for english. It was not until I finished school that I started trying to better myself. The first time I got in trouble with the laws it was because I broke in to a school that I went to. I had finished that past school year and I was married to my first wife she was 15 and I was 18 years old. I was walking about 10 miles on the way to work everyday. I was mad at the world for putting me in Special Ed. When I was not stupid, just because I was a poor boy well not poor as some but I was a little slow in spelling. But I was reading in a college level, why I do not know cause they said I should not be reading at that level and not be able to write but I did. I've always loved to read. But anyway I had stolen a computer with a bunch of English lessons. I want so bad to be able to write. But in the end I lost everything my job and my wife and my freedom and I still don't know how to write like I wanted to, but I find as I get older I get better. So anyway so that you will know, this is not what I'm in here for. I'll tell that later when I feel that my writing is a little better and that you know me and not the crime and be able to understand the half- injustice that was done to me. Now I'm not saying I was not guilty for the part that I have played just not the way the laws said I did. But once you have a prison number it does not matter if you are right or wrong cause you are wrong before you get in court. With that I will close for the night but understand that I'm not looking for pity cause every man has to be responsible for his own action in life. 15 March 2005Tuesday, Time 9:01pm Well the day was cold and it snowed last night, about 10" too bad it was not cold enough to stick. Shoot just last Saturday it was 82 degrees outside and this morning it was 28 welcome to West Texas, where the weather changes from one minute to the next. In my last entry I told you about me getting in trouble and about me being married to my first wife and she was 15. A lot of people probably are saying "that's too young," yes as I look back at us, it was too young for her and me. I was 18 we was so in love we thought. We lost a child after we got married she had a hard time carrying children but I loved her anyway I just wish I was more of a man back then and took better care of her, don't get me wrong I don't believe in fighting my wife, that was, every time we had a disagreement I would walk out and she got tired of me not taking the time to see her as my wife. She was a good woman when parted. My world stopped. I guess you can say I lost my first love and from then on I just didn't care for anything or any one. I married her in 1988 in July. One of the hardest things I had to do was ask her father to sign the paper for her to marry me I thought he was going to kill me. But after we lost our first child he came to me and offered to pay the doctor bills, and I told him she was my wife and I pay my own bills, from then on we was the best of friends. When me and her split up he disowned her in a way. It's been 12 years since I've seen her. She has a child the same age as my son. I often wish to see her just to say I was sorry for all the bull I put her throw and ask to be just friends not that we ever quit being friends I just stayed away from her once she was with someone else. I loved her that much to let go of her, but enough of that. Well I'll close this out tonight but always remember " its not what you had or what you got it's what you've hung on to in life that makes the sun rise and set those are the things you cherish the most." 16 March 2005Wednesday, Time 6:25 pm Well here I am again sitting in my cell trying to get another entry in this journal. I've been doing a lot of thinking today on how I could build a peddle power generator using a car spindle and two brake rotor and (24) 1/2" by 1" by 2" NdFeB magnet block, plated, N35 grade and some enameled magnet wire. The old wind power guro Hugh Piggot used brake drums to build a wind turbine, the only problem is what if you don't have any wind, then what? Now what about peddle power. With the obesity rate this day and time it would not hurt any of us to peddle a little to get a little power and get just a little healthier especially me being that I'm 250pounds way too fat. With today's Gus prices we need to get involved in the grass root movement. It does not take much just a little help from everyone, cause this Earth is the only one we have and without it we don't live. With that I will close for tonight but think on this, "It only takes a small stone cast upon the water to make a large ripple as it only takes a small voice to move the world." 17 March 2005Well here I am again, I started off the day on the wrong side of the bed this morning I woke up and knocked my alarm clock off my bedside table and had to spend part of the day putting it back together. The hardest part was getting the Alarm to go off at the right time but I fixed it. Any way last night I had a dream, I guess it was caused from thinking about peddle power cause in this dream I started opening up peddle gym and treadmills it was free to anybody to come in and use the equipment. After you signed up you got a little card, kind of like a card you use in a casino. They would put their card in the equipment that they used before they leave and it would give them credit for all the power they had made and then you could take the card to the desk and get paid for how much you made. Talk about getting the homeless involved they could make power and get paid anytime they wanted to work but that's just one of my weird dreams I have sometimes with that I'll close for tonight but remember this, "Sometimes in life we have to become uneducated in order to learn for the mind is like a parachute it's no good unless it's open." 18 March 2005Friday, Time 8:00 pm Hello it's me again still setting and thinking. In a place like this you get a chance to do a lot of thinking. You would not believe the thing I've built in my mind, and the desire to put my hands back in the garden and help to make things grow. Well we are 9 days from Easter Sunday. I can still remember when I was a kid and hunted easter eggs "o" what fun when life was a lot easier. For the last couple of weeks I've been reading some old classic books by Jules Verne like Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. It amazing at the thing in that story. I would think that the boat captin Nemo was on, would be the same thing as a Nuclear Sub. I remember when I was a kid it was one of my favorite movies, but the book to me was a lot different from the show as I remember. I guess I'll close until next time, but before I go remember this, "The old story and ideal of men or women of yester years, always seem to come to pass with time. For some of the greatest ideals come from story." 21 March 2005Monday, Time 8:00 pm Hello it's Monday again. I had a good weekend. If you don't usually write on the weekend. A lot of times I try to help my friends doing law work as I said before I can't write very good but I can explain and understand what I have read and it helps break my routine of the week. Well last Sunday was palm Sunday. This year I did not go to mass not because I don't believe but I was sick and I did not want to share it with anyone. But before I go any further let me say I am Non-denemination. I like to go to the house of the Lord and pray. Now that said I hope all people put away their different ways and ideals and come together and just pray for our fellow man and our country and our troops for their safety and love one another with that I'll close for tonight but remember this, "It's not what man has done that paved the way in this life, but what the love of our heavenly father had done to lay the foundation." 23 March 2005Wednesday, Time 7:00 pm Well hello, here I am again it's Wednesday and it has been one of those days where I have had to bite my tounge to keep from going off and getting in trouble. But on the bright side of things it was a nice outside today and the food was good also today. I have been doing a lot of reading these last few days. I'm still feeling a little under the weather but I'm getting better, nothing a little time won't heal. Well as I set down tonight and add this entry I ask myself what would I write today? And the only thing I come up with is coupons and rebates. You may ask yourself why I would come up with an Ideal about them. Well it's like this I was sitting in the dayroom the other day talking to some of the guys and I notice somebody throwing away an old newspaper when I say old it was maybe three days old with the Sunday coupon in them and I thought what a waste, so now I'm collecting them and when I write my Mom and my Dad I put them in the letter. But I onlycut out the ones my mom or dad buy. My dad does the grocery shopping now since my mom is in a wheelchair, my dad retired and took over my moms job at home and help her but she is getting better now. Anyway I think it's just a waste for not using them when it's something you are going to but anyway. Well I guess I'llo close now but remember this, "waste not want not," cause coupons add up in this day and time. 25 March 2005Friday, Time 8:15 pm Well here I am again in the last entry I was talking about coupon. Well as I was laying down last night I was thinking about all the money we could save by keeping out aluminum cans. I don't know how the people in the city do it but back home where I live and if you are living where they have trash pick-up and you can put your cans and plastic in a box and the city will recycle them. You know if I'm going to go and pick out all my cans and bottles from the trash, I might as well save them for myself and cash them in and get money for myself. Hey with enough cans saved up that will buy some chicken feed or hog feed or feed for any kind of animal you have. I was also thinking about some of the different program out there to help people that ask for donation. Well why not have a can drive sometimes people don't have that much money at least they don't think they do but they can drink can drinks so they may not have extra money but seem to have extra cans with that I will close for tonight but remember this, "help those who are willing to help themselves and you can do it one at a time through recycling." 31 March 2005Thursday, Time 8:00 pm Well it has been six days since I've added an entry in this journal. I took off so that I could pray and fast for Easter, I don't know what other people do and it really doesn't matter anyway, but I feel that everybody should take time out and fast and pray. I like to do it around Easter in remember of my Lord and Saviour. Now it does not matter if you believe or not it's just good for the body. Anyway Easter has come and gone and this is a new day so where do we go from here that's the question? Who will you say good morning to or say you look nice or that's a great job WHO! With that I will close but before I go remember this, "Jesus walked among strangers, and how many knew hime? All because of fear of opening up ones life to one another. But thank the Lord he knew our hearts." 2 April 2005Saturday, Time 5:00 pm Hello, Well it's me again, and it's a sad day today, John Paul II past away today. I don't know how you feel about John Paul, but as I have said earlier in my Journal it takes just a small voice to move the world. Well I feel that John Paul was one of the small voices out there same as mother Theresa was a small voice also. You know there are few people other than musician that can bring the world together with a voice. It's really sad to see him go but now he's in a higher place still working so-to-speak. Well I better close now it's time for me to eat and guess what we're having that's right pancakes again god I hate pancakes. But before I go remember this, "Reach out to the world and touch someone's life today and in the end your life will become so much more beautiful because you will then be living the way Christ did." 4 April 2005Monday, Time 3:00 Well here I am again, 12 years ago about this same time my life changed for the better, My Son was born. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, god bless his little heart God I love him as much as life itself and I'm so ashamed that he is being raised by my mom and dad and not by me. Before I go any further let me say, People, before you get caught up or do something stupid first think about the ones you hurt first, I wish I did and I would not be here. But here I am trying to make a point on the wrong side of the bars. Well let me close for today and ponder on what I've just wrote but remember this, "It's not where you are or who youwhen wisdom comes it's where you go from there and what you do with it that matters." 6 April 2005Wednesday, Time 9:45pm Well it's Wednesday or hump day if you choose to say. The weather is great outside. I've started trying to do a little more walking and running HA! HA! I like this time of year watching the ground squirrel play outside of the fence. I try to feed them corn chips, they love them. The ones we got running around here will almost come to you to get a chip. I remember last year I played like I was dead with a chip in my hand, and finally I had two to come up and look at me like I was crazy while the other squirrel got the chip. Boy it was funny watching them fight and eat that chip. I love the wildlife it does not matter what kind of animal either except a snake I am scared of snakes not the one I can see the ones I walk up on they will make me break down and run. Well I guess I'll close this out for tonight but remember this, "Turn off the T.V and look at the world around you and you might just find a new world you never knew." 8 April 2005Friday, Time 7:00 pm Well it's Friday again and the end of another work week for me, and also the end of working out in the gym. I don't work out on the weekends. I was just sitting here wishing I was somewhere else like back home. I got a letter the other day which was nice and this person ask me about chicken. Well I told this person I would tell him about them in my journal. He ask me what was my experience with them, so here goes. First off I've had chicken in my family even when I was a little boy. There is nothing like fresh eggs to eat at breakfast or any time of the day. Me personally I like the Rhode-Island-Red breed the best because they are better eff layers and also better fryers. But I also like Dominic and little bannie hen because of the eggs. If you can let them run free during the day you will not have as many bad bugs either, but at nightyou have to put them up and if you train them right they will go to the chicken house when it starts to get dark outside. I found if you ring a bell right before you feed them before you start letting them out they will know that sound and once they get used to it you can start letting them run free during the day and when you want to put them up just ring the bell and stand back cause they will come running. But you got to remember to feed them when you ring the bell so they will keep coming when you call cause chickens are smart and if you take good care of them they will take good care of the kitchen with egg and meat. Well I guess I'll close for tonight but remember this, "God gave us this land and all that's up on it so it's our responsibility to take care of it and all that's on it because with out it where would we be." 11 April 2005Monday, Time 5:00pm Well here I am again trying to write another page. In the last entry I was talking about chicken, and I was just remembering one time when I made a grave mistake with my chicken. I had a refrigerator that I put out on the back porch cause I had two at the time. I figured why not use one on the back porch until I got rid of it. At the same time the supermarket had a big sale on all their freezer stuff and being me, I can't pass up a good bargain, so I bought enough to fill up the freezer in the refrigerator. All was going weill, it was summer time and I often like to go to the beach. Well when I was gone the freezer broke down. Well when I got back home I went by my father house to let him know I made it home so he would not drive by the house that night to feed the chicken and goat and my two pigs and five dogs that I had at the time. Now where I live at the time I would say it is about a four hour drive to the beach so I would leave out Friday and come back on Sunday. Anyway I never thought about the refrigerator, so about one month past and one day I thought I would go out and bring some of the stuff in. Well when I opened the door everything in their was spoiled and full of maggots, I got sick all over the place. After catching my breath I took a five gallon bucket and filled it full of the whole mess maggots and all. I took it out to the chicken pen and poured it out on the ground and the fight was own they ate every last maggot there was. Well the next day all my chickens were sick I had two of my best laying hens die on me. I cried like a big "o" baby over that cause it was my fault. Well I will close this day out but remember this, "Sometime in life we make mistakes but a wise man will learn from them and improve his life but a lazy man will keep falling in the ditches of life." 13 April 2005Wednesday, Time 8:30 pm Well here I am again, In my last entry I was talking about my mistake with my chicken. Well let me tell you about the goat I bought for my son. He was a pigmy goat, all black and his horn curled all the way back on top of his head, he looked like he had a football helmet on. Anyway when I went and picked him up my truck was broken down so I had to go in the car. My Ex-wife really like that one especially when it was her har. But anyway after I went out to look at the goat I could not refuse it. The lady who had it had to get rid of it because of her landlord and this goat was like a dog to her, I made it clear I would not keep it in the house like she did, but I would make sure it had a nice shed and a pig pasture to play in. I got the Goat and a bag of feed and a bottle of worming medication, all for $20.00 what a deal. Now how do I get it home well the only thing I could think of was in the back floor board of the car after all it did stay in the house with her. Well if you know anything about animals you know they are just like little kids and want to look out of the windows, need I say more. By the time I made it to the first red light in town the goat was settling in the back seat right next to my son and if a goat could smile at you I think it was smiling at me and my son had done put a seatbelt on it, at least my son was practicing safety about buckling up that he saw on T.V. "O" the thought of a child. With that I will close. But remember this, "Safety first buckle up no matter who or what you are." 15 April 2005Friday, Time 7:35 pm Well it's Friday again and the end of another week for me. The day went great today. They buried the Pope today god rest his soul. I can't wait to see who will be the next pope I hope that it is someone as strong in value as Paul was. I know some people were thinking what kind of value would the person writing this journal have being in prison. Well I have values just like everybody else has. And I have hope and dreams, just the same. Because I'm locked up like an animal does not mean I got to act like one. Anyway I think the world will miss the Pope because of what he stood for and the bridge he built with the people over the years the love, the peace. When I watch T.V. today and I see all those people from all over the world from different race, religion, and political background standing there in peace to watch the Pope's funeral, that was a man that moved the world. Well I guess I will close for today but before I go remember this, "There is no sadness in death but joy, because without death there can be no life. Jesus is our example." 18 April 2005Monday, Time 6:00 Well it's Monday again and there is nothing new happening here just the same old thing. I've been playing Chess today "O" how I love a good game of chess, I'm just not that good at it but I'm not that bad either. I see the head bishop started to working on getting a new Pope which is good. I'll be glad to see who it will be. But I had to laugh when I see people betting on who would get it, It's sad that people will bet on anything. I guess I will close for now but remember this, "Life is like chess when you move you have to make sure of your step if you don't want to fall at life and victory is always round the corner. 19 April 2005Tuesday, Time 5:00pm Just thought I would write a few lines today. Well we got a new pope by the chosen name of Benadict 16, I hear he's a lot like Pope Paul was, let's hope so. That's all I have to say today so I will close for now but remember this, "The men of god are like good captain of a ship if he does not lead well his house will sink." P.S. You know maybe I should put together a book of the Just the remember this part of my journal what do you think. 20 April 2005Wednesday, Time 9:45 pm Well here I am again writing my thoughts and my understanding. The day started off well but at 6:00 we got locked down because of some gang fight that kicked off in the chow hall. I know in a lot of my entries that I never really talk about what goes on at this place much but all I can say is there are up and down and there is always a light on. It's never really a safe place to be because at any time something could kick off but on the bright side of things there is not a lot that happens here luckily there is a lot of older fellows here that got a little more sense then us younger fellows. Well I guess I'll close and see if these walls can talk and see what all really happened today but remember this, "Life is full of choices, and by our own choices we lose out on our freedom." 22 April 2005Friday, Time 3:000pm Well here I am again I'm still lock down and we got shock down today I hate when we have to go through all that stuff pack all of our stuff up and take it down to the gym so that the boss can go through everything and throw away anything they feel that is contrband it's just a long day when they do that usually we do this two times a year it normally takes a week to shack down the whole farm. So when your lock down you get only sack meal which consists of morning a box of cereal with milk and a peanut butter sandwich and one boiled egg some time we don't get a the egg or the peanutbutter and for a second meal we get a sandwich with a peanutbutter sandwich on the side and the last meal the same thing now one sandwich is a couple of hotdogs or chicken patty but by the end I hate to see a sandwich. Well I close for now but before I go remember this, "when your cobbert is running dry remember us poor fellows that is only getting five sandwich and a box of cereal with a boiled egg a day for a week. 25 April 2005Monday, Time 8:40 pm Well here I am again. We came off lockdown today, and I had to go into work at different times today instead of leaving at 3 AM I left at 7 AM. The Boss only picks about 15 people to work this morning and I was one of them. I sure was gald, a man can sleep just so much. Well I started my workingout again since I've been off for a week. I went out to the gym about 1 o'clock and did an hour of nothing but benchpress God does my upper body hurt but I do want to get stronger and slimmer and it takes a lot of work, like I tell everybody around this place it took me 35 years to get this out of shape and it's going to take at least 5 years to get where I want to be. Well I guess I'll close for tonight but remember this, "Nothing in life is easy if it's worth having, there will always be trials and tribulations." 29 April 2005Friday, Time 9:00pm Well here I am again it's been a week since I've written. Things are getting back to the way they were before, which is good for me because I prefer to work then set around and do nothing. When I went back to the gym god it was tough it was like starting over again, but I'll work my poor little muscle out in the end. Well I'm going to close this out tonight but before I go remember this, "Whatever you start in life that is good don't stop, because of setbacks, because when Adam and Eve fell did God stop? No, He sent Christ, and he finished his plan for humanity to be free." 2 May 2005Monday, Time 10:45 pm Well it's Monday again it seems like time flies when you are trying to write for a good cause. I hope whoever reads these pages will learn something from me. I sometimes feel in my walk with the Lord that he gives me the words to write. Sometimes when I sit down to write I really don't know what to say and then all-of-a-sudden the words just flow now don't get me wrong I'm not saying I hear voices like Moses, it just seems he fells my heart with the words to say. I've struggled at times because of this. I feel that at times I should just keep my mouth shut but the more I try I always end up spilling the message. Well I'll leave you with that tonight but remember this, "If Gode speaks you will knowand if you don't listen he does not give up look at Jonah from the Bible." 5 May 2005Thursday, Time 10:30 pm Well here I am again trying to write another page before I go to sleep Well today was National Day of Prayer, so I hope all you people out there prayed today. I hope you prayed for the sick, our country, and most of all I hope you prayed for peace, for your fellow man, because we do need eachother, even if it's no more than giving a smile on a stormy day to maybe make someone feel better. Well I guess I'll close for now but before I go remember this, "If you spend your life with a chip on your shoulder you will miss all the Joys of this world and you will surely miss out on a good friend." 8 May 2005Sunday, Time 7:45pm Well I thought I would write today because it is a special day it's Mothers Day, so this goes out to all the the mothers in the world. I feel a mother is a very special person, I mean mine having to change my diapers when I was small therefore she had to take a lot of crap Ha! Ha! And I've changed a diaper before and how something so small can fill up something so big by just drinking milk I'll never know. Also a mother is always there when you fall down and never thinks of herself before she thinks of you first. There is so much I can say about a mother, but I'll close tonight and think of mine so goodnight mothers. But before I go remember this, "A mother is a person who willingly gives up her own life for someone else so remember all mothers wheather they are yours or your grandmother or in-law give them the praise and love they deserve." 10 May 2005Tuesday, Time 5:00pm Well here I am again trying to get a little more written. I got some Legal pads in the mail today from the Prison Journal Project I was so glad it helps a lot in getting my words together. Here lately I have not had much to say I guess I'm going through another life changing cycle I don't know why I'm only 35 years old. Well I guess I will close for now, but remember this, it's not the change that life takes it's how you make choices through life changing that matters." 30 May 2005Well it's me again and I'm feeling a lot better. Well it's Memorial Day, time to remember all the people who died to keep this country free. I am so glad I live in a placewhere I can say what I feel and I'm glad I do have rights even if I am locked up, even though I do get mad sometimes at seeing some of the dumb things that goes on with our country but when you have a country as big and as great as ours you will always have a different opinions, that's why I love our country and proud of our fighting men. Well I will close on that note but remember this, "A house is not built without struggle nor is a country built without fighting so remember those who fought and who are still fighting for our country. And if you see a Vet on the street buy him a meal to show your appreciation as he fought so that you could be fed in FREEDOM. 2 June 2005Thursday, Time 9:30pm Well here I am again. Good news I reached my goal May 31st in the gym, I bench 250 Lb.before Christmas. I would like to be able to do all the weight we have on the bench press by this time next year, it's only 370 pounds. Anyway I was talking to a co-worker this morning and he was saying how happy he was about the Ban on Gay marriage here in Texas and I told him that I thought it was sad that tax payers spent all this money on fighting over a piece of paper when a gay couple can still act like that are married. Don't get me wrong I don't believe in gay marriage, but if somebody wants to live that way well that's why we live in America so we have freedom to live the way we want. Anyway like I was saying it is sad that tax payers spend all this money trying to control people's lifestyles, but closed out this Lesistur without working out a financial plan for our schools. Here we are living a high-tech world but our education is still backwoods in a lot of schools, but hey who cars about our kids' future, who cares if they can't pass the SAT test. At least we can stop two people who never pushed their life style on anybody or two people that pay their taxes or two people that might take the shirt off their own back and give it to the needy. Hey we can stor them from living their own life because we don't agree with them while our kids get left behind. It's just so sad. Well I'll close this out for tonight but before I go remember this, "America was established for freedom to life life liberty and justice for all to be able to believe in as long as long as you don't make somebody else do as you do. A lot of good people died to make this America free and to establish the rights to be free, it makes me ashamed that we are tearing it down with hate and lack of education. 6 June 2005Monday, Time 5:30pm Well here I am again I had a good weekend taking it easy I've caught up with everything except my typing and I'll never really be caught up with that. I've been trying to compile information on Homesteading in a little book for myself, you see the way I figure it if I can collect information now while I got the time it will give me a great starting point for when I get out. Most people I know in this prison only want to know about the T.V it really is sad to do yourself like that when you can learn for your future. Wilth that I will leave you for tongith but remember this, "For those who sleep throught life will soon wake up and find themselves lost, but those who stay awake in life can lay down and rest without fear." 10 June 2005Friday, Time 3:00pm Well here I am again. Man this week has flew by is it me or are the years going by faster than your paycheck at bill time. It seems like it was just Monday yesterday when I made my last entry, and now it's Friday. In my last entry I was talking about peole in general being lazy in here, people out in the world have been mislead in a lot of ways, well at least here in Texas. The politicians say they need more money for these prison but from the view I see is different I see Boss 3 to 4 setting around watching more T.V. than watching people and it's hard to get anything done. If I hated my job so much I would find another job. With that I will leave you for tonight but before I go remember this, "People who set in the middle of the rain storm soon find themselves stuck in the mud." 14 June 2005Tuesday, Time 8:00pm Hello it's me agin it's Tuesday again like I said in the last entry time sure does fly. Some people who read this may think I'm off my rocker, well that may be true by some standard, but I will say this when I write I'm me and this is just how I see things. Some people don't like it well I'm sorry, that's just life, get over it. I feel that people live life in other peoples shoes and not their own because they are afraid of being different. But you know what, God made us different so be yourself today with that I will close but before I do remember this, "Life is full of different flavors of people so be different today and be your own flavor and you might find that you are liked for you." 17 June 2005Friday, Time5:45 Hello well it's me again, have I lost any readers yet I hope not. But if I have sorry if I have offended you in any way I'm just me. Well Father's day is this Sunday so take time to thank god for your father. And thank god for being a father to us and giving his son the sacrifice that gave us life. With that I will close but remember this, "A father's hand that is strong as steel but soft and understanding can mould a family, That is not afraid to take a stand for what is good and right in the eyes of the lord." 20 June 2005Monday, Time 10:30 pm Well here I am again trying to get another entry in before I go to sleep. The day was great, I had a good meal lots of food so I got full which is something you don't get here sometimes, but don't get me wrong some people don't get it as good as we do. But I'm thankful for what I do get, it could be a lot worse. I just hope when I walk out of this place I leave with forgiveness and I guess I just have to keep on praying on that one. But it is hard sometimes, but I know in my heart what God wants me to do but still it is hard sometimes. With that I close but before I go remember this, "It's not what life gives you or what people do to you but what you do to the world, be like Christ and return love not hate and live life." 27 June 2005Monday, Time 4:25 pm Well it is Monday again and we are winding down this month. It sure been hot today. I wish I could go fishing.I sure miss it, to just sit on the river bank in the shade and fish and think about life, it does not matter if I catch anything or not. It will be awhile before I can do any kind of fishing again. I believe if I ever get married again I hope she likes fishing so we can share something together that does not involve anybody else but us. Someone who likes the simple life and does not care if you are keeping up with the Jones "O" what a wife that would be she would be my queen. Well I guess I will close for now but before I go remember this, "Life is a lot like fishing, sometimes you don't always catch what you want but you don't stop trying in life." 1 July 2005Friday, Time 8:20 Well it is July and today was a special day, it's my mother's birthday. I sure wish I could have spent it with her, but being locked up you can't. I have not seen my mother in almost six years and I miss her a lot her smile her laughter but most of all her loving arms her hugs. The day was nice today not too hot but I had a lot of extra work to do at work today cause I'm off the 4th of July for Independence day so I'll have double work to do come Tuesday when I get back. One good thing though my living area is where I can see the fireworks in town even I'm about 5 miles from town it will be pretty well I guess I will close for now but before I go remember this, "Remember your mother on her birthday and honor her because with out her there could never have been you." 4 July 2005Monday, Time 8:30pm Hello, well here I am again, it's the 4th of July and I am sitting here getting ready to watch the fireworks, you may ask yourself how, when he's locked up unless he's watching it on tv. Well to answer that question, my housing is on the second floor and where I live it faces out the back of the building. From wher my bunk is I can watch outside through the skylight. Tonight the city will have a fireworks show in the park. The prison is about 4 or 5 miles from town but being everything is flat with farm fields you can see a long ways, and at night I can see the outline of town. Last year I watched the fireworks show and let me tell you it was wonderful to see. Well I guess I will close for now, but before I go remember this, "Tough rocket bursting in the air, and the night sky light up with shimmering stars' "O" to be a kid again in an old mans' heart when your reminiscencing of days gone by on a fourth of July." 8 July 2005Friday, Time 5:00 Hello again, just thought I would write a few lines to say I had a great work week even if I did not get a letter from anybody. I got a new job today in the same department just a different job. Now I'm a rag cutter which I will like better because I don't have to get up at 2:30 AM. Now I get up at 6:00 AM, so I think it will work out better but only the Lord knows and he put me there for a reason. Well I guess I close for now but before I go remember this, "Patience is life's formula to success. When one rushes in life, they miss the small opportunities that bring big rewards." 12 July 2005Tuesday, Time 3:00 pm Well here I am again, just sitting down with my thoughts. I've had a good day, and my new job is great. All my friends have been walking by me at work where I sit on the floor in a little corner and say stuff like "I see you're a real cut up now," being that I cut up rags now. My hands sure hurt, well my thumbs because of using the big steel cutters. "O" well not everything is going to go my way but all in all I can't complain. Well I guess I will close for now but before I go remember this, "Sometimes taking short cuts in life is not always the best way, for life has many paths. Look to the elders for the paths they have taken have been long, and you can learn better from a smooth path when all the rocks have been kicked out of the way." 15 July 2005Friday, Time 5:00 am Well it's Friday again and as you can tell from the time, it's early Friday morning.... I was just setting here drinking coffee while everybody, well almost everybody, is asleep. I like the morning cause there is the quietness except for the ones that are snoring or passing gas, sometimes it sounds like a band playing out of tune. There are 105 people in my housing area should I say more. But the thing about being up early is that you can collect your thoughts and speak to God and hope that he hears you. It's a time of peace in here. Well I guess I will close for now but before I go remember this, "When the sunbegan to rise and the land is still quiet speak to God and listen close, for all the answer come through the waking of the birds and the waking of the land for God speaks through nature if you will only take the time to listen to it." 19 July 2005Tuesday, Time 8:00 pm Hello again it's Tuesday and all is well, that kind of sounded like a clock caller. Well I started going back to church this past Sunday morning, I have been watching it on T.V. on Sunday morning, but I thought I would try this Unit church again. The last time I went it was like being in a funeral home, and I don't need any more negativity in my life than what I already have around me. This time it was a lot better, maybe I will go next Sunday too if the Lord puts it on my heart to. Well there is not much to tell, "I know I'm boring," but what can I say. I close for todaybut before I go remember this, "Sometimes when you enter a house where the spirit is dead don't give up. Speak Jesus name and all thing will come to life and the oppressor much flee." 22 July 2005Friday, Time 12:45 pm Well here I am again just setting down to write a few lines again. I was looking out my window today and I saw the most beautiful sight, there was horse running around playing. I had to smile at watching them. I don't know if you have ever watched horse play or not but if you have you know what I am talking about. The one good thing about my window is the view. You see I have a small community airport and I have the horse barn and pasture right outside and in the distance I have the town of Dalhart, at night I can see the outline of the town. Dalhart is only about 7,500 people or not so much compared to the big city. Well I guess I will close for now but remember this, "No matter how hard things get just look out your window and you might find peace in God's master piece." 25 July 2005Friday, Time 3:30 pm Well here I am again. Just setting here waiting for supper, it's been a long day. Well I got my job changed again, cause everybody got fired at my old job. Let me point out something here. God has a way of working cause my job was changed two weeks ago and now my old boss asked me to come back to work for him and I said yes because I feel that God had a hand in it as far as moving me out of the way a little while so a work could be done.You know some people would disagree but so what that's just how I feel about it. Well I guess I will close for now but before I go remember this, "God has a plan for us and he move in his own time not ours, so don't get discouraged in life, but get in tune with God, and be ready to move when God calls." 27 July 2005Wednesday, Time 8:10 pm Well here I am again. I was just getting ready to go to bed, being I get buck up again at 2 AM again. Well I had a good day today it's amazing at how much wild life we have here in this place. Most peoplewhen they think of a prison, they thingk of fighting and people killing eachother, well that does happen at times if you put yourself in that group of people. As I get older I get wiser and I try to be at peace with all that's around me. And like I have said there is a lot of wild life here as far as ribber, ground squirrel, ants three different kinds that I've seen and frogs, spider about 6 different kinds that I've seen and a lot of different kinds of flying bugs and crawling bugs, about 7 different kinds of birds and some that I can't think of right now, and we have two kinds of snakes here that I've seen that I've seen crawling along the ground from a ways off I'm scared of snakes even if it is friendly I just don't mess with them. I like to go out to the reack yard and feed the little ground squirrel, they will eat right out of your hand. Sometimes I will feed the ants bread and watch them for an hour or so. Ants are fun to watch, I know you're thinking here is a 35 year old man acting like a little boy sitting around watching ants, Well that might be true but as I remember the bible tells us to watch the ants. If you don't believe me just read Proverbs 6:6-8 Well I close for tonight but remember this, "Life is full of lessons, and the world has many kinds of teachers, but nature is the best teacher of all if we will just take the time and watch for God gave us the greatest teacher of all the ants." 29 July 2005Friday, Time 9:00 pm Hello again I was just sitting here trying to close out this months journal entrys. I have really had a great time writing these pages. When I started this writing for the journal project I first thought "Opra" because she had a project of keeping a journal also and I thought that was stupid for a man to keep a journal, but as I have kept writing I am finding myself and when I close out with the remember section of my writing it comes from my heart thing that God puts on my heart to write sometimes I ask myself why do I do that part of my writing and then I think. If I can help just one person or lead that person to think about the world around them and to think about my Lord and Saviour then I will be doing what Jesus wanted us to do, to live for God and take his teachingin your heart and maybe just maybe somebody else will not have a down fall as I've has in my life. Well I guess I will close for now but remember this, "When God speaks write it down, listen and God will guide your steps. But don't become a horse with blinders on not able to see around you." 1 August 2005Monday, Time 5:00 Well here I am again, just writing my thoughts down on paper. Life in prison is something I would not wish on anybody because it is such a mental stress for inmates and gaurds alike. I feel that people are misled to believe what prison is like in todays society, sure they mademovies about prison and people are misled in believing what they are seeing on T.V. But let me tell you it's not true! We are just like cattle behind this prison fence. We make people money by supplying people jobs on the outside. We make new laws by letting the politician decieve the public with fear so that they can get more money out of the public and yet the politician let our schools die with more and more dropouts so that the next generation can fell prison. "Wake UP America" before it's too late. Well I guess I will close now but before I go remember this, "Bondage comes from the lack of education , so let's break the chains by educating and quick feeding the money machines built by our government and free up America so that we will no longer be an oppressed people." 5 August 2005Friday, Time 8:00 pm Well here I am again, it's been a great afternoon today because I got a letter from one of the lady from Cornell by the name of Ms. Stephanie. I was so happy to get a response on my journal. I was beginning to wonder if they had received my entries. Sometimes I wonder if my mail even goes out at times. Well the weather has been pleasant here this week not too hot and even the food has been good this week. I don't know but like the old saying goes there must be something in the water. Well I guess I will close for now but before I go remember this, "Sometimes when the road seems rocky and long, don't fret if you have to kick a few rocks to the side. Because life is full of stumbling block. But a wise man will stop and make Heavenly stepping stones from them. 3 October 2005Well here I am again trying to get another page wrote down and another thought some time when I sit down I have not the faintest idea what I'm going to say until I start. But I will say this, I wish I was better expressing my self to the world I can talk u p a storm it just when it come to writing I get lost. well I still have not heard from my family since the storm rip through Texas but I guess they are alright like the old saying goes sometime no news is sometime better than bad news. I finish the first book I was reading that I got in the mail and now one of my friends are reading it. We pass around books here especially when you have a few people with the same taste. Well I guess I close for now but before I go remember this, "If a man will only take the time to reflect back and see what was once, he will find we have made life more difficult in trying to make thing easier in a lot of ways." 5 October 2005Well here I am again and this has been a good day I gt a letter from my family and they made it through ok but they did lose the garage of f the house and some shingles it could have been worse. My aunt lost her roof. But look on the bright side of things with so much damage the woods in that area they live there will be plenty of firewood to cut for this winter being the gas price is so high. I just can't see how people on fix income will make it at the cost of heating oil the price will be way up. Well I guess I will close with that but before I go remember this, "No matter what happen always look for a bright side of things and you may find that you are stronger then you thought." 7 October 2005Well here I am again it is really lat tonight I got so wrapped up in writing letter to my family to give them my support mentally and to tell them how much I love them. I've been reading another book called One Acre and Security how to live off the earth with out ruining it by Bradford Angier. It is such a wonderful book I wish they would teach this stuff in school I know people will say they do it's called agg. or home making but it not like this, I feel that T.D.C. should give course like this well they do in a sense we have a cannerary; hog farms, chicken farms, garden, but it is not the same farm and therefore you don't get to learn that field if you're not on one of this farm. As for this Unit we have a garden but most of the time they go out and plant and then let everything die. Well I guess I will close for now but before I do remember this, "A man can learn anything if he has a desire to, but lazy man will wallow in stupidity." 10 October 2005Well here we go again I hope I have not lost you I know I sound like a broken record at times but I do try to get better as I go along. Many people that have read my rough draft of my journal have asked me if I can give such advice why am I here well that the easy to answer. Because I was thinking too much and not doing what I was talking about in other words I knew right from wrong. I had a very good Mother and Dad I just did not do as I was told and thought I knew everything. And you know what I did not know crap from beans. I've been married two times, shacked up once but I consider that being married cause we lived as we was I just did not take the time to compromise it was always my may because I always found ladies that did not have goals in life. I know that sounds bad on my part, but it's true. But as I've gotten older I find my self along wishing for a mate that has the same goals as I to live with nature and off the land not out of wal-mart. With that I'll close but Remember this, "by my stupidity I got wiser in life so for give please." 3 February 2006Hello again, it's already into the second month, boy does time fly. Before we know it spring will be here and Mother Earth will be brining forth her new life. Anyway while I was walking to work this morning at 4:oo am, and as I was walking I was looking up at the sky at all the stars. And as I was looking up I started wondering at how Galileo felt when he saw the heavens and all it's splendor spread out before him, with the luster of lights burning down to his soul. Men and women from that time on has tried to reach the heavens but only made it as far as the moon physically even though we been to other places with machines, but a great accomplishment for mankind. But the point I'm trying to make is how many people today just stop turnoff the T.V. and go out side and look up. I mean really look up at the world above them. You know it's does not cost anything to watch a shooting star. Just lay back on the grass and look and feel what Galileo felt. Well I guess I will close for now but before I go remember this, "Man who strive in life to succeed; but never stops to see the stars or to look at a lovely flower does not really succeed at all but becomes a slave to the world." 6 February 2006Well it's Monday again, it sure seems this last weekend went by without me knowing it. Well I enjoyed the Super Bowl game this past Sunday night will the commercials at least. I'm really not much into football, but I will watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials. As I was watching I got to thinking you know the going rate for a commercial was 2.5 million dollars. What really disturbed me was that United Way had one early on in the game when the price is much higher to air. Just think 2.5 million could help a lot of people after all that's what all the people that gave their hard earned money for the first place is it not? Then why then did the only people who benefit from the commercial was the Network. Wake up people. Well with that I guess I will close. But don't get me wrong keep giving but think about what organization you give to, to make sure the money is not used to make the Fat Cats fatter. But remember this, "No matter who you give to when the money is going to people that are really in need and drowning in poverty there are those who set in boats and load up." |