The journal of Charles Rodriguez
4 January 2005
At the age of 12 I went to look for my Dad. I actually knew where he was but hadn't seen him since I was 1. At least that's what Mom told me, as I got older I wanted to know why he didn't want to be around me. I mean, I am the last son of 7 boys, shouln't that make me special in some way or another?! Anyway, surely things will be better once he sees how grown up I was, so I thought. Till this day I can't imagine being crushed the way I was the day I knocked on his door. I can still hear his words, "Who are you?"?! My response, "I'm your son Charlie," I say this with a big smile. His response was, "What do you want"?! It was a week before Christmas, I threw his present in the trash and just left, I just walked and walked. I had no idea where I was going at the time but I had to do something to stop the pain.
That's when I was introduced to drugs. Some other teenagers pick me up and I smoked my first joint and broke into a house the same night. Therefore my record as a juvenile started. I got caught and sent to a state school for 1 year. It was down hill from there. I went back to that small town of East Texas and I was already a teenager with a bad attitude. Before I turned 14 I was back in a state school of possession of drugs and a firearm. I did 8 months and was released on parole. Six months later I was back for burglary of a building and poss. of drugs again. I have 6 brothers and they was all doing time, still are to this day.
From the age of 12 till now which I am 33 now I have been free for maybe 2 yrs. I came to prison at the age of 20. And I was set on getting revenge on anyone therefore I rebelled against all authority and got involved in a prison gang called Mexican Mafia. I am no longer a member of this so called family. But can you imagine a 20 or 21 yr old kid in a gang with a very nasty attitude? Now that I look back, I hurt so many people for no reason whatsoever. Don't get me wrong. I got got mine, too. I've been stabbed 6 times and lucky to be able to write this in my journal. Being sent to ad-seg did have a very positive impact on me. Bad thing is I messed up so bad they are reluctant to let me go back to population.
But all through it all, I have been able to do some self evaluatin and also get back on track with my family. I left two beautiful kids out there that by the grace of God have been writing me through out this time. Thankfully me and their mom was able to become friends for the sake of the kids. I feel really bad about the situation with my Dad cause he passed away in '94 and he wanted to make amends with me for that one day but I was in prison. I never seen him again after that day. I've long since forgiven him. He's my father. There's no changing that. It's amazing to me myself that I'm still alive. I've done every drug and been involved in many crazy situations.
I'vee been given a second chance at life in general and I must make the best of it. I don't know how much longer I'll be here. I have a 22 yr sentence and got over half of it done. I must take the time to continue to better myself. I've become a better man in general. I can't go back and undo the things I did. But I've paid my due to society and can go from there and give back to society and not take from them.
I've said all this to say, that in all of this that I have been through and will go through I have come to understand that unless you admit the problem is more than likely "you" you'll never solve the problem. I am a drug addict and I've got a temper problem that I am still working on cause it still rises too fast. There is more to my journal but this is basically how I ended up in this place. I've come to put my mind at ease with drawing, reading, exercising and doing some writing and putting my thoughts on paper. This is just a beginning to my journal now the fun part comes. I just wanted you all to see what type of person you will be hearing from.
I have been rehabilitated now I have to prove to society that I am no longer the problem but want to become part of the solution. I will send a part of the journal as often as I can, as long as I have paper to write on it'll get to you all. Thanks again for your interest and concern of whats going on here in prison.
22 February 2005
What I think about when I can't fall asleep
There are many nights I lay in my bunk after another long day here in prison and just can't fall asleep. Being in Seg. doesn't make it any easier either. Ya see, here in Seg. you are lilmited to only so much, especially considering the amount of things that have been taken from us because of, well, taxes. So we're told. Anything educational has been taken, no courses by mail, general library, etc., etc. Receiving books has & is a blessing.
During these days of being in Seg. we are allowed out for 1 hour a day, then the rest of teh days are at our despense. Me personally, I like to play ball when I go out, get as tired as possible, come back and shower, sit and draw for a few hours, read for a while, do my daily exercises, shower, listen to my radio and get ready to try to go to sleep and get ready for another day.
I lay my headphones on the table and begin to go into my own little world of "what if". I was 19 yrs of age when I came to prison. I left behind two beautiful kids that I'm really blessed to be in touch with. My mom has died since & so has my Dad & Grandmother. My other family has moved on & seems to not remember me any more. I don't hate them. Does it hurt? Yeah, you can say that, it's just one of the things I think about when I can't fall asleep. I also think about why my brother told me, you don't love me if you don't hold this stuff for me ?! The cops came and found it and I got sent to prison and my brother never answered my letters of help. What if I would have told him no? I was doing really good, had a good job with good pay, graduated from school, put a roof over my babies' heads.
I'm 33 now and I lay awake at night and wonder just what could I have done in all these years that I've missed?! Not just what I could have done for myself but made an impact in my 2 kids' lives. I do what I can from here, & say what I feel on my heart and hope and pray they never have to see what I have.
Of course you have what I think about once I am released from prison. Will I be given a chance to prove I have paid the price? Will society see me as a menace even though I'm doing my best to be a good citizen? To me I've paid my debt to society but of course you have the matter of these tattoos I have. See, I was mighty, mighty upset when I got to prison and rebelled like crazy & hated authority. Then I got into the fantasy world of being in a gang. Oh yeah, that would make everything better, right? Naw, that just made things worse & after a while I finally grew up and realized it had to be one if not the #1 worst mistake I ever made. Only problem is, now the State won't let me out of Seg. cause I used to be a gang member. They put me in Seg. cause of a letter, not anything violent, yet they say I'm a threat to general population.
Somethinig else to think about, now that I'm supposed to be this dangerous criminal, when I do get out all eyes are gonna be on me. When I try to do something good just to do it, will they think there is a motive to it?! It just worries me, a lot of people talk about how hard its gonna be once released. Thoses are the ones who have been back 3 or 4 times and I don't care to be one of them. There's just so much life out there.
There is so much more that I think about when I can't fall asleep but by the time I jump to something else I roll over & hit the sleep button and go to sleep before it starts all over again. And to be honest, I'd rather save it for some other day so that I may have something to occupy my night & help me go to sleep...
Just some things I think about when I can't fall asleep at night...