The journal of Daniel Rivera

Table of Contents:

6 March 2005 6:15 pm

I was watching a documentary on Malcolm X and found it to be very interesting.

Although I don't agree with Malcolm X's ideology and rhetoric, (Albeit I do understand his fight for his people and agree that it was the right thing to do.) I must respect the man for who he was and what he did.

Here's a man who grew up in a volatile atmosphere, became a hustler and a criminal, and ended up in prison (with possible trumped up charges.) But while in prison, he got his life together by educating himself and leaving behind his former way of life.

When he paroled, he set out to champion for the right of his people. He had an impact upon his people and left a lasting influence upon society. And even though he's been dead for decades, his name still remains strong.

Who cannot admire such transformation? For a man to once had led a criminal life, turn his life around and leave behind a lasting memory upon the world, it's phenomenal and inspiring. I know it is for me and it should be for all those who have made mistakes in life. It is possible to make a change and touch the world.

"To once have been a criminal is not a disgrace but it is a disgrace to continue being a criminal." Malcolm X.

9 March 2005 1:30 pm

What a beautiful day it was out there on the yard this morning! It was nice and sunny and over 75 degrees warm. Take that East coast! Right after my workout, I took a birdbath with ice cold water! It shook me up from head to toes! It was like being at the beach.

There was a guy next to me and we spoke a bit about history and religion. Well, this guy is a dinosaur (about 55-years-old but looks older) and he thought he knew everything! Even though half of what he said was wrong. He probably thought that I'm just a young buck who doesn't know anything. I'm 28 years old, although I look 19 or 20, and have done a bit of reading and studying over the years. On top of him thinking that he knew everything, he acts and talks like he's a big killer! Please! Grow up old man.

He's probably kicking back in his cell and saying to himself, "yeah, I taught that young'n a thing or two." Well yeah, that half of what you know is wrong and that you need to grow up!

It was interesting because when I tried to make a point and correct him, he wouldn't budge! I just hope I don't become this way when I'm old.

10:30 pm

For the first time since I've been in the SHU (nearly seven years), I'm able to look outside of my cell and glance at the "free world."

There's a window in the back of my cell which is four ft. high and six inches wide and is made of thick glass. It's always been covered with paint so we won't be able to look outside but for some reason the administration decided to remove the paint this morning. I think it's really cool!

For some reason, it feels weird being able to look outside my cell. I feel less caged up and a sense of freedom. I feel more human. Earlier today I was staring through this window for a long time!

It looks like a beautiful night out there. It all seems peaceful and calm; unlike inside these prison walls. I have this magical illusion right now that I can stretch forth my hands through this window and feel the coolness of the night running down my body and the dark envelops me. How can two worlds be so close, and yet, so apart?

As I glance out this window, I can see space spreading in front of me. Half the ground is sand and gravel and the rest is grass. At first, I was going to describe everything I see but I can't. I don't want them thinking I'm making plans for an escape. That's the last thing I need right now.

I wish I was laying down on the grass right now and feel the dew of the night all over me. Earlier today, I'd seen two beautiful black cats playing on the grass. They looked like miniature jaguars. They were running around without worries and unaware of my conditions. Watching them play gave me a feeling of calmness and joy.

One of my neighbors was also looking at the cats play. I'd hear him being all excited and yelling "A cat! I can see a cat!" Acting as if he was seeing a naked woman for the first time. I could hear him could hear him knocking on the window trying to get the cats to come his way. I'd hear him saying, "Come on kittie! Come on kittie!" Ah! Like a kid in a candy store.

Oh! The joy which simple things bring! I guess happiness and joy, after all, aren't found in the big things we try to achieve and seek after. But, happiness and joy are found in the little and simple things we posses and learn to appreciate.

9:00 pm

I gave an officer a note for the sergeant explaining the predicament I'm in. (10:00 pm. Nothing happened.)

11 March 2005 10:55 am

We didn't get our main course for breakfast this morning: omelet. They only gave us a little bit of beans, cereal, a banana, and a milk.

Some of the guys are very angry in here and are trying to get a hold of the staff and sergeant, but like always they're being ignored. I think these guys are getting ready to go off! None of this is necessary though. All they need to do is get someone over here to talk to us about this issue and it'll be resolved! I don't know why they let things get out of hand!

6:30 pm

I was working on my geometry book yesterday and got stuck on a problem for half an hour! I was trying to find the area of this trapezoid to the nearest tenth. (description of trapezoid: perpendicular line is 6, top base is 8, opposite acute angle is 38 degrees) Now, I know how to solve this problem. I've been working on this type of geometry for months. I also knew that the table of trigonometric ratios (given in the math book) was necessary or a calculator would have been fine also.

Well, when I was done with the problem I checked the answer key to see if my answer was right; and it wasn't. So I went back to solving the problem and I came out with the same answer as at the first. I re-did it and re-did it and it was the same! My answer didn't much the one on the answer key! I was getting mad and frustrated! My head was spinning around trying to figure out how to come up with the right answer! I tried different methods and formulas and nothing worked! In fact, I was getting more stressed out and confused! But I didn't want to give up till I found out what was going on.

After a minute pause, I went back into the answer key and finally realized what the problem was! The reason why my answer was a bit off from the one in the answer key was that the answer key was using a calculator (more accurate), and I was using the given trigonometric table.

Man, I was beating my head over nothing. But at least, I didn't give up. I couldn't give up, otherwise, I'd of been trying to solve that problem in the middle of the night.

14 March 2005 6:00 pm

These words are addressed to J.E.A.

You say that you love me, but you never write to say "hello."

You say that you care for me, but you never write to see if I'm ok.

You say that you pray for me, but you don't know what my necessities are. And I wonder if I ever cross you mind.

I'm not asking for your pity nor am I demanding your attention. I just want to know why would you say things that you don't really mean?

When I wrote you, I didn't ask you for anything. I just wrote because you said you loved sinners and wanted to hear from them. This is what you continually repeat on your TV show!

It's interesting that the only time you've ever written was a response to the money I sent your ministry. When you wrote you said many beautiful things to me which made me feel good. I felt loved and cared for. I thought I'd found a new family. But now I know that everything you said were words.

I wonder how your reaction would have been if, instead of a prisoner writing you, it'd of been a man of wealth living in Beverly Hills. Would you have given the cold shoulder and ignored me or would have you drooled over all the wealth flashing in front of your eyes?

I've always been careful about so-called, "Christian Organizations." But when I first saw how small and simple you were, I thought you really practiced what you preached. I guess I was wrong.

You know, I'm not mad at you. I just wonder how you are able to preach about love and compassion and you don't even take two minutes to send me a note. Doesn't the Bible teach not to love in words only but in deeds?

But you know what's really interesting? That those whom you consider "lost" and "unsaved" behave more like Christ than you do.

I'm quite sure that if you'd ever read these words you'd dismiss them as ignorance and foolishness. After all, I'm just a "hardened criminal," right? But that's ok. I just want you to know that because of people like you, the name of Christ has been put to shame.

23 March 2005 6:10pm

It's been about two weeks since I wrote in my journal. I've been kind of busy drawing and writing my letters that I haven't and time to collect my thoughts and write in my journal. But, I hope to get back on track 'cause I sure miss writing in the journal.

It's been raining al throughout Tuesday. A few minutes ago, I was looking out of my window and I believed an awesome sight! A rainbow was in the beginning stages of its forming; it's so huge and so bright and beautiful! I've never seen one like it! It lit up the whole sky! Man, what a beautiful rainbow!

As I was staring at it, it reminded me of the promise given to Noah by God, in Genesis 9:12-16 which says, "This is the sign of the covenant I'm making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds over the Earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all the living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the Earth."

This rainbow and the promise which accompanied it, was of course, given after the earth had been destroys by a cosmic flood. So, we can be sure that it won't happen again. But the Bible does say that the Earth will be destroyed by fire. And this time, it might be by the hands of men. This isn't such a shocking prediction! For the nations of the world have amassed to themselves such weapons of destruction to completely destroy all living things. Add to this, the hate, arrogance, ignorance which lies in every heart! The ancient Jewish prophet, Jeremiah, once said, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

24 March 2005 12:30 pm

"Regret"

Regret: As defined in Webster's Dictionary. It is to feel sorry about an event, one's acts. It is also to feel remorse over one's acts or omissions.

There's a popular saying that "one ought to live without regrets." This saying is not confined to a particular ethnicity, culture or religious circle. It is popular and well accepted by all.

But is it true that one should not regret things of the past - especially when one has acted foolishly? Shouldn't one feel remorse over a vile act?

Is it wise for me not to regret what I've done in my past? Shouldn't I feel remorse over the wicked actions I did in the past?

My childhood was no childhood at all. They were years of loneliness and emptiness; of physical and sexual abuse and thoughts of suicide. They were years of growing up without a mother or father. Shouldn't I feel sorry that it wasn't better?

In my teenage years, I dropped out of school, ran away from home several times, got involved in gangs and in a lifestyle which led most of my friends to the grave. Shouldn't I regret hurting my family and wasting precious years?

I've been involved and convicted of murder, stabbings, shootings; I've been in Juvenile detention centers, and I'm currently serving a 14-1/2 years sentence which I began doing at 19 and now I'm 28. Shouldn't I regret hurting other families? Shouldn't I regret that I've spent my late Teenage years and all my twenties caged up like an animal? Why shouldn't I feel remorse over the life I once lived and over the mess I've made?

Can somebody tell me why I should not regret my past behavior and unfortunate situation? Shouldn't I feel remorse and let it be a cure to my soul? A teacher to guide me to a better life and to prevent me from falling into ruin again? Should I just act like an animal and not be contrite over failures and mistakes? Should I be dead to conscience and dead to feelings of repentance?

28 March 2005 12:30 pm

"It's been..." (For Terry Schiavo)

It's been 15 years since your heart stopped beating; It's been 15 years since you had massive brain damage.

It's been 15 years since you went into a vegetative existence; It's been 15 years since your life ceased to blossom.

It's been 10 days since the feud between your parents and ex-husband started; it's been 10 days since the battle over your life began.

It's been 10 days since the legal system got involved and decided that you would not have food and water; it's been 10 days since protesters have began keeping vigil outside your hospice.

It's been 10 days ten days since you had any food; it's been 10 days since you had any water.

It's been 10 days since you began to let go of the last traces of life you had; it's been 10 days since you began to wave the world good-bye.

It's been 10 days since I began to weep for you; It's been ten days since my heart went out for you and your loved ones.

It's been 10 days since I began praying for you; it's been 10 days since I began hoping for a miracle.

It's been 10 days since I started asking God to heal your body; it's been 10 days since I began asking God to give you life.

The battle seems lost, but I'll hope till the last. But if all seems lost and you have to wave goodbye, I believe soon you'll be resting in the arms of god. There, gladness and joy will overtake you, and sorrow and signing will flee away. God will wipe every tear from your eyes. There will be no more death and mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

30 March 2005 6:10 pm

I was watching a soccer game between the Mexican National Team and the Panamanian Team. And in the Panamanian National Team, is a player nicknamed "Pistolero" (the gunner). He's named thus because he was involved in a homicide.

This said "Pistolero" was somehow convicted of being involved in this homicide and was giving a two year sentence. Now here's the intrigue: the President of Panama, intervened in this matter and gave this man a reprieve, so he could play in the National team! (They're in the elimination round for the World Cup '06.) Huh? Yeap! That's right! The man, "Pistolero," was given some slack so he can travel the world playing soccer! Boy, I wonder how the victim's family feels.

This reminds me of Julio Furcal (baseball player of the Atlanta Braves.) Last year, he was convicted of DWI (one of many instances) and was sentenced to a few months in jail; however, being that it was the playoffs and the Braves were involved, his incarceration was postponed until the Braves were done.

Does this sound like justice and equality for all? I wonder if I'd get the same treatment, if, let's say, I was to be given a sentence of incarceration, but wanted it postponed until I took care of "important" matters? I think not! After all, I'm not rich nor influential! But isn't justice the unbiased judge between the governed and those who govern? And it's not biased between rich or poor, bond or free?

But it's often proven true: American Justice knows the color of green. Or as Johny Cochran said, "The color of justice is green."

31 March 2005 6:00 pm

Well, it finally came: Terri's ordeal is over. Her life came to an end this morning. And in a way it's a good thing because all the rangling and legal disputes might come to a stop.

It's a sad situation because, even at the point of her death, her ex-husband and parents are disputing the method by which her body will be put at rest: cremated or buried.

I prayed and hope that somehow this woman would of risen out of her bed made whole. And frankly, I'm a bit saddened by the fact that not only was there bickering between her loved ones, but that she also had to die.

But why should this woman arouse such emotional feelings within me? Why should I care whether she even existed? Why should I care if she lived or not?

Perhaps I wanted to see hope come alive where there was no hope; light in the midst of gloom; gladness in the midst of sorrow; relief in the midst of despair. And who would not be touched over matters of life and death?

Now that everything is over, I pray that God may comfort every heart and heal every wound and bring consolation to the family.

6:20 pm

Man, I'm hurt! I think I pulled a muscle on the left side of my neck while working out. It hurts big time! I'm thinking about taking a muscle relaxer, but I don't like putting pills in my body. I like to let things heal on their own without interference to the natural self without chemicals. I might just have to take one later on though. But this I know: I'm not going to exercise for about three days. This will not only allow me to relax and heal, but also to indulge myself in a little bit more reading.

5 April 2005 11:40 am

El morte per il Santo Pater, Giovanni Paolo. Ciao karol!

The Pope, John Paul II, passed away several days ago. I've been intrigued at the following this man had. Hundreds of thousands all over the world, of different backgrounds and religious affiliations, are mourning for this man, and are flocking to he Vatican to get a last look at his dead body.

So what to make of this man? I'm not a Catholic nor do I bow to papal authority. But the Pope and I do have something in common: our belief in Jesus Christ. I think the pope was a good man and did a lot of good not only for Catholicism, but also for the world as a whole. He was after all, instrumental in the fall of Communism and spoke out against capitalism and the many grievances committed to the poor and down trodden.

It's amazing to see a man rise up from humble beginnings, as John Paul II was, to become a towering man in the world and history. The ways of providence are so mysterious! When the pope was just a boy, did it ever cross his mind that he'd become a leader of millions of people: that millions would bow before him; and that at his death bed almost the entire world would mourn his passing?

How can a man have such power over millions of people and influence the world? And this without a sword! Isn't this the desire of ambitious politicians? I wonder: what went through the pope's mind and how did he when, for twenty-six years, millions - rich and poor, weak and powerful - zealously craved his touch, bowed at the knee at his presence and kissed his hand? Did he feel pride, did his heart get lifted up, did he become numb to the realization that he is a mere mortal man and not God to deserve such worship? How can a man born so humble and poor become so powerful and have millions upon millions at his feet?

Yeah, not even Christ gets such admiration from his followers.

I was watching a catholic station yesterday and I heard the commentator say that , "It was fine to begin praying to the Pope." I said, "What?" Why'd I pray to a man, dead by the way, who's but a worm! What can he do for me!? What, God isn't enough that he needs help from the dust of the Earth?

It's believed by some, not by me, that Popes are the successors of Peter the Apostle. If so, why then the popes do not take heed Apostle Peter's example, rather that being surrounded with so much pomp?

In the Bible (Acts 10:21-26), we read about a centurion named Cornelious (a Roman) who awaited the coming of Saint Peter to hear the good news of salutation. Upon Peter's entrance to the Centurions house, the Centurion Cornelious "fell down at his feet and worshiped him." But what did Apostle Peter do? "But Peter took him up, saying stand up: I myself also am a man." Not even Angels accept such praise - as when John the Apostle fell down at the feet of an Angel to worship him. The angel said, "see that you do it not..." (Revelations 22:8-9)

What do I think of the Papal Office? I believe it has nothing to do with Apostle Peter or the Bible. It's a tradition born hundreds of years (in Rome) before Christianity. In Ancient Rome and other Latin cities, there was the "Pontifex" (Pontiff) who had control over the cities' religious life. In fact, Augustus Caesar was the first Roman Counselor-Emperor to become Pontifex Maximus, followed by other Roman Emperors. The papal office is just one of the many Pagan traditions that were attached to Christianity once the Christian faith began capitulating Roman Imperium.

26 April 2005 10:10 pm

It's been over three weeks since I wrote in my journal and it's not because I don't have anything to write about. On the contrary, I have much to say.

so, where should I begin after so long? First let me say that I heard from a lady named Elizabeth. She's a volunteer at the Alt Library, and she's also helping Kate with the Journal Project. Elizabeth's letter was welcomed and well appreciated. She encouraged me by telling me that my journal entries were being read.

I'm sure that my writing style makes it a bit harder to read. But that's the purpose! To make it a bit difficult to read, that way, each of my words are the focus of the reader's attention! I will try my best to change my writing style or at least make it better.

Well, it seems as if I'm a magnet for women named Elizabeth. They're all around me! My baby sister's named Elizabeth, my favorite news anchor's named Elizabeth, a volunteer at the Alternative's Library who I correspond with is named Elizabeth, and now I hear from another Elizabeth! What's going on here? (I haven't heard from Elizabeth the volunteer in over two months.)

I was supposed to have my SHU release interview this morning. I was actually escorted to a building where my interview was to take place. But after waiting for two hours, I was told that time had run out and the interview would be held tomorrow morning.

So, tomorrow morning I'll find out if, after seven years being in this hole isolated and deprived of all privileges, I'll be given the opportunity to go to the general population. So, we'll see what happens.

When I was in that building waiting for two hours, I was nervous, anxious, and sweating from every pore of my body. I said to an officer, "I feel like I'm about to appear before Donald Trump, and I'm about to get fired!"

27 April 2005 11:10 am

I just came back from my SHU release interview and good fortune was on my side! I was released back into the general population!

It was a very interesting interview. I had to relate my previous offences. They were quite surprised that I'm going to be paroled in 2009 despite all my wrong doings. One lady said to me, "If you'd of been in my hands, you'd have gotten more than 14 years." In other words, I'd be either on death row or doing life in prison. I must admit that I wasn't given what I deserve. I guess the hand of Providence had different plans for me. For some reason I've been spared from the jaws of death or life in prison.

Now I'm just waiting to be transferred to a different prison. This could take days or even weeks. I'm anxious to begin a new period in my life. For almost 11 years I've been caged up like an animal, deprived and isolated from all things.

I can't wait to intermingle with others, use the phone, get contact visits, eat better food, not be chained up everywhere I go, etc. It will be an interesting experience. I'm anxious, nervous, but I will be fine.

2 May 2005 5:15 pm

When I was 12-13 years old, my baby sister and I would often tell our mom and step-dad, "When we grow up and the two of you get old, we're going to put you in a convalescent home." And my mom would often respond by saying to my step-dad, "You see, David! This is the way they plan on rewarding us for all the sacrifices we've done for them." This of course was done in the spirit of horse-playing; for we'd all laugh out loud.

But now that I think about it, I'd never do this to my parents! What? To get rid of them by sending them to a lonely place, in the midst of strangers and deprived of family warmth? Nah, I don't have the stomach nor the heart to commit such cruelty. I rather have my parents live out their years next to me, than to see them deteriorate in a sad and empty place.

When I first came to the U.S. (1988), I was amazed to hear that people actually send their elderly people to convalescent homes! I said to myself, "How can they do this, and why do the old people allow such treatment?" I'd not understand!

In El Salvador it's a whole different thing! The thought of getting rid of your grandparents or elderly parents never crosses your mind. Every family has grandpa or grandma running around after the kids or loose chickens. I grew up with grandma next to me. It was a beautiful thing! She gave me love and strength; although she'd spank me too much.

My mom is 61 years old (step-dad died in 1998) and when I get parole, I plan to take care of her for the rest of her life.

5 May 2005 6:00 pm

A few weeks ago, I sent a few of my journal entries to my friend Michael because I had told him that I was keeping a journal, and so he wanted to take a peep at some of the stuff I'm writing. So, I sent him entries 3/30, 3/31, and 4/5.

Well, I heard back from him a few days ago and was a bit impressed at my improvements to write my thoughts on paper. But at the same time, he felt irritated about what I wrote on entry 4/5 concerning the deceased Pope. My guess is that he felt I was being biased against the Pope and his Office.

Yeah, Michael showed righteous indignation and vehement zeal; lashing out on me! However he failed to realize that I respect John Paul II and admire him as well as any Catholic brother or sister. I don't have anything against the papal office or the Catholic Church.

What I wrote in my journal was not a treatise against the Pope! What I wrote was a thought I had at the particular moment and decided to write it down. I believe it to be the truth. I'm not in a position to dislike or pass judgment on anybody. There's one who alone can judge righteously; for he alone is perfect and capable of seeing the intents and thoughts of the heart.

And just because I wrote what I wrote, doesn't mean that I'm not showing Christ-like love! I don't agree with certain Catholic rituals, therefore, am I being hateful? Am I wrong if I say that that past Popes have been as crooked and evil as Satan himself? Such as Pope Leo X (I believe it is him), who would have orgies with young boys at the Vatican; who through shady maneuvers became Pope.

I love all my Catholic friends, and just because I write about things which I disagree with, does not mean I'm being hateful!

For those that might come across my simple and at times foolish opinions I say: I am a man of peace and not war! A young man who's trying to make sense of this hectic and ever-changing world.

8 May 2005 11:30 am

It's Mother's Day! And once again, I'm not there to personally congratulate her. So are the sins of a rebel son.

But even though I'm not there in flesh and blood, I'm with her in spirit; and she's also in my heart.

I also write a short poem for my mom and for all the mothers in the world. It's the first poem I've actually written. My mom doesn't know that I wrote her this poem. (She doesn't know much English.) One day when she's gone from this world and I'm still here (so I hope), I can look back and flip through the pages of this journal and read this poem I write mom. No doubt it'll bring tears to my eyes.

In the Latino community, Mother's Day is celebrated May 10. This day is when I give my Mom life's best wishes. 

A Mother is a Gift 
 
A mother is a gift 
sent down from above 
A mother is a gift 
to fill our hearts with love 
 
A mother is a gift 
to unwrap and to hold 
A mother is a gift 
with blessings untold 
 
A mother is a gift 
often abused and neglected 
A mother is a gift 
to be cherished and respected 
 
A mother is a gift 
to uplift and uphold 
A mother is a gift 
we ought to love and behold

9 May 2005 1:05 pm

And the wait continues. It's been over a week and a half since I had my meeting for SHU (security housing unit) release; which of course was successful one.

I thought I was going to be in the general population by now, but I guess it'll take a bit more time. I spoke to my counselor, and he said it'll take about five to six weeks.

So, I'll sit here, in a place I've called home for the past seven years but can't wait to leave it behind. I just want to get out of here! I don't like sitting here - caught between my present and future - unable to make a move or determination by my own power.

Yes, for too long my life has been at the mercy of others. For too long others have reigned over me. There's no greater torture than to be had as a subject. There's no greater affliction to a man, than to be unable to act and do out of his own power. And if this isn't a reason to change, then nothing will. For this reason, I have chosen to turn my life around and leave my past life behind and never come back to prison. For almost eleven years I've subjugated myself to a life unbecoming to a man, but this is the last time I will let it happen, so help me God.

11 May 2005 12:30 pm

I had a weird and funny dream the other night. In my dream, I was standing at the edge of a river. It had been raining hard, therefore, the river had overflowed and the current was strong.

As I was standing there observing the water go by, I looked upstream and saw a dog floating on top of a big piece of plywood. It was a young and furry dog. As the dog was getting closer to me, being carried downstream by the strong current, I noticed that the dog wasn't barking or making noise of desperation! The dog was all serene, as if taking a magical carpet. But what puzzled me the most, was that the dog's fur was completely dry! Not one spot wet. I said to myself, "How in the world is this dog completely dry? It's been raining hard and has been floating on a piece of plywood being carried away by an overflowed river? And, yet, not one spot wet! How can this be?"

After pondering this for a few seconds, I saw the dog pass by right in front of me. I didn't attempt to rescue the dog. I just looked at it, puzzled, and eventually it disappeared out of my sight. And that's when I woke up.

I don't know why I had this dream, but it sure was weird.

19 May 2005 12:20 pm

I hope we get our canteen today. Canteen is basically what we're allowed to buy from store on a monthly basis.

For us in the SHU, the most we're able to spend is $45. Those in the general population are allowed to spend up to $180.

This is how we order our things: at the beginning of each month the officers hand out a store list and a ducat. The next day, once we've filled out the store list and ducat, the officers pick it up and take it to the store personnel. Then, three weeks later, they bring canteen to our building and the officers pass it out.

There's nothing much to order from and it's been the same for years. But even though there's nothing much to buy, and even though I've been buying the same things for seven years, I still look forward to getting canteen every month. I'm fortunate to have some money and be able to go to store; others aren't that fortunate.

21 May 2005 10:22 am

It's been four days since canteen (store) came to our building and the officers have not passed it out yet! They're making every excuse to not pass it out. I just don't understand it.

I tried to write other inmates and speak up with one voice, but none of them want to participate in a collective effort. This is a funny because they all like to talk about "revolutions" and "being down for the struggle," yet, when it comes down to it, they don't put into practice what they profess with their mouth.

Some of these guys love to complain about the system; they're always murmuring about how bad things are. But hey, don't complain if you're not willing to make a sacrifice and try to make a difference! Don't just talk, do something about it!

I wrote a note to a guy in here (he considers himself a revolutionary) and said to him, "what's up man... we haven't got our canteen yet. It's been here for four days, and yet these officers haven't passed out one bag! I hear a whole lot about 'the struggle and revolutionists,' but no one is stepping up!" He writes back and tells me, "Well, nobody wants to do anything. Also, Canteen's not on top of a revolutionary's list."

But the issue here is not canteen itself, but the principle behind it; that is, that we're being treated like scum! Thus, trampling on our dignity as men. Moreover, a revolutionary is one who seeks to make a change and is willing to fight for a right cause; whether the struggle is too small or big doesn't matter to him. A boot on your neck is a boot on your neck whether it be a size two or size ten.

I wasn't talking about a violent reaction no, I was just trying to build a collective effort for the purpose of having a superior officer come talk to us and listen to our grievances. But, I guess people are not willing to make a simple stand. What shame. From now on, I don't want hear anyone talk about "the struggle" or "revolutions." It makes me sick!

23 May 2005 12:00 pm

We finally got our store after four days just sitting there. It should not have taken that long to be passed out. Some of us were beginning to feel irritated and upset. This is how problems arise between the inmates and officers.

The other day I spoke to an officer and said to him, "You know, I've been in this building for seven years, and I've never complained about anything. However, it's been four days since our store got here and not one bag has been passed out! That's just completely wrong!"

To another officer I said, "You want us to show you respect and not to cause any trouble and that's good because all of us want to avoid strife and be at peace. But the thing is that while you demand respect from us, you're treating us with disrespect. How do you expect peace and tranquility when you're going out of your way to stir us up? It doesn't work this way."

We don't ask for any special favors! All we want is what we got coming, nothing else. If we'd work together and have a mutual understanding, there wouldn't be so much animosity between inmates and officers. After all, we're in this place together whether we like it our not.

It's easy to stir up strife and be at each other's throats but, it's much easier to have a mutual understanding and be at peace. It just takes a bit of understanding and respect.

Well, now that canteen's here, it's time for me to go on a diet: that is a diet of nothing but cookies, corn chips, pastries, etc. It's party time. This is the time when I add 10 lbs to my 171 lb body. The good thing is that I workout on a regular basis and none of this junk I eat for about a week has any affect on me. Hey, I'd take advantage of it while I'm young, right?

25 May 2005 2:00 pm

This past Saturday, I painfully learned why mom would say, "Hijo, no te acuestes con la barriga llena." (Son, don't lay down with a full belly.)

That day, I got my canteen. And to celebrate I ate from three o'clock in the afternoon and all the way into the night. Wait, let me rephrase it: I pigged out all that afternoon and into the night. I was so stuffed and bloated, that I couldn't even sit for half a second. I tried different methods to make my stomach go down, but nothing worked! I stretched, squatted, walked back and forth, rubbed my belly, but it all seemed futile.

It was ten o'clock, and I was beginning to feel tired and sleepy. But was I going to be able to lay down and fall asleep with my stomach heavy as a cow? Somehow, I knew that I shouldn't go to bed with a stomach full. Nevertheless, I resolved to go to bed and fall asleep and let the night take care of things. And it sure did, but not in a way I expected it.

I fell asleep very fast (who wouldn't in such a miserable case). I was in deep sleep (dreaming of tums) when, out of nowhere, I was awakened by a sharp pain thrusting through my left side of the brain and left ear! It was a horrible feeling. I thought I was dying! All I remember is being asleep and flying out of my bunk. There I was, standing in the middle of my cell dazed and confused as to what was going on. Thinking that the hour was at hand, and that the bell was beginning to toll for me, I began to utter broken words asking God to forgive all my wrongdoings and have mercy on me. (The closer we get to death, the reality that there's a God becomes more apparent.)

A few minutes had gone by, and I was able to snap out of my confused mind and get myself together. And that's when I realized what had happened.

During my sleep, I'd an acid reflux, and it had traveled up my throat, through my sinuses and unto my left ear and brain. (I can stills smell it! Ugh!!) At least this is what I think happened.

I've learned my lesson very well! From now on, there won't be anymore pigging out and no more snacks after seven pm.

25 May 2005 6:10 pm

I have a new neighbor. He came in last night. He lives in the same part of East LA where I lived. He knows the same people I know! In fact, his gang doesn't get along with my ex-gang. We were killing each other out there. (All that stops in prison. We can be friends in here but enemies out there. Sad but true.)

My old neighbor was sent to the hospital five days ago. I think he's on suicide watch because he wanted to kill himself. At least that's the rumor. He was also on a hunger strike because he felt that he wasn't receiving the proper medical care.

I've heard that when you're put on suicide watch, they put you in a big empty room with no clothes on, while officers continually check on you. It must be a depressing scene to behold. I feel sorry for the guys who are put on suicide watch: so lost and hopeless. But, that's a fact of prison life.

26 May 2005 12:13 pm

Summer time is here! And it sure's getting warm in my cell. For some reason, the air conditioner stops working during the summer, because in the winter it blows very hard. During summer, you can barely feel the air coming out of the vent. Hmm... I wonder why?

We haven't had yard for two weeks now. They say they've been working on the cages in which they put us. (That's our yard time.) So for two weeks, I've been in my tiny cell - slammed down 24/7. The only time I've been out of my cell has been every other day when I shower for seven minutes. That's it!

So, if I add up all the minutes for shower time, it comes out to 49 minutes. So for two weeks, I've been out of my cell (8x12 ft.) for just 49 minutes!

I've become accustomed at being caged up like an animal, in complete isolation, that it doesn't bother me. It is, as if this is a natural thing to do. I've lost the feeling of being free and around people.

If one's not mentally strong, he/she would be easily broken and perhaps go insane. I don't think a regular person from the street can last a day in my shoes. But then again, I also used to be a regular person! I say "used to be," because prison life has fashioned me to its own appearance.

30 August 2005 12:25 pm

A few guys got kicked out of the shu this morning. They were also waiting for their transfer like I am. These guys were with me when we had our DRB hearing four months ago.

Man, I'm a bit envious! I can't believe they left before me. Those guys are going to a prison about four to five hours from here! Me, I'm just going across the street! That particular prison--New Corcoran--is part of this facility! All they've to do is walk me over there! That's why I thought that I'd be out of here before anybody else. But according to the administration, they don't have a "bed space" for me. Well, at least they're beginning to do their job. And it's always nice when something good happens to someone in here. Although you might feel envious.

I haven't been able to sleep these past three nights. I've been hitting the sack (Bed. Let's not go there!) at 9:30, but I end up tossing and turning past midnight. There's not a particular thing troubling me. I just simply can't fall asleep. And when I'm just laying there unable to sleep, my mind begins to get flooded by thoughts upon thought! And it gets me frustrated, in so far that I wanna hit the wall! Those thought...how tormenting they are! They've a life of their own! Their recklessness leave my mind exhausted! In the morning I'm barely able to get up. I feel as if I'm walking with fifty pound bricks on each foot. And I like to get up early: at 5:30 or 6. About the only thing that helps me function and stay awake is coffee (I only drink a cup, two the most).

Boy, I sure hope I don't have this problem when I get out! This is what I fear the most.

31 August 2005 12:00 pm

Katrina sure made a mess out of cities and towns! It's amazing to see all, the chaos and misery it brought upon people's lives.

Events like this hurricane shake us up out of our comfort zone and show us that we live in a chaotic and dangerous world which is groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Moreover, terrible events make us realize that wealth and material possessions are the most important things in life; even as Jesus said, "For life does not consist in the abundance of things we possess." Who could've ever thought that most of New Orleans would be underwater and uninhabited? Who could've ever predicted that such a catastrophe would come upon Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and other states? Sure, many had made their prognostications, but even they're dumbfounded at such destruction!

I believe in Jesus Christ: who he is, what he said, what he did and will do. And in times like this, his words not only comfort us but also remind us of the things that will take place before his coming. I'm reminded of his words in Luke 21:25-28 where he said, "And there will be signs in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars; and on Earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; men's hearts failing them from fear and the expectation of those things which are coming on the Earth, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. Then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Now when these things begin to happen, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption draws near."

Many such Bible passages remind us of that which is to come. Shouldn't we take heed? Some might say, "Those things have been taking place since the dawn of creation." Which is true. But not with the intensity as it has been during the past century. One only needs to look at the Great Wars we've had; the great sickness and famines throughout the world; and the terrible natural disasters which have taken place; even the human heart has become so hateful and corrupted beyond imagination. Yeah, what horrible crimes it's been committing! O! What evil and filthy practices it allows! Slavery, poverty, rape, murder of parents and children; too much to count. Should then not the Great god and creator of all cleanse such a world as he did the world "that then was" with a flood?

Another thing which caught my attention as I was watching the news were the looters! No, not the looters themselves; for I'm sure most did it out of desperation and necessity. What was interesting to me is that every news station was showing (still are) noting but blacks doing the looting! I might have seen two or three whites. Can it be that only blacks are looting and no whites at all! Two at most? Is this so or is it what we're being led to believe? I don't know...conscience bares me witness that the latter is what's really going on. It's a sad situation, but that's reality in the land of the free and home of the brave.

1 September 2005 3:15 pm

Corcoran State Prison has decided to potty train all inmates in the shu! Yes, that's correct; potty train all of us in the shu.

Last week they passed out a memorandum which said, amongst other things, that soon our toilets will be programmed to flush twice per hour. This, they said, is necessary because too much water's being released to the waste plant. So to resolve this problem, restriction to our toilet flushing is necessary.

I don't know, this sounds very fishy to me. This is nothing but a psychological game being played by the administration. This game has been taking place for quite a long time now. They've taken our privilege to get our annual package from home; they've reduced our visiting days to two; they've reduced the amount of writing paper we're allowed to get to 20 sheets (through the mail) and now this!

How can the administration control our use of the toilet? How are we supposed to control our bowel movements? What, they want to have control of our bodily functions as well? This is insane and inhumane! What if someone has diarrhea and has a cellmate? Since only two flushes per hour are allowed, the waste is to marinate in the toilet and flush as the most convenient time, and have both keep on smelling the stench?

what if cellmates have to use the toilet the same hour? What if the toilet needs to be used two-three times that same hour?

This ain't gonna work. It is inhumane and dangerous for our health. Everyone's upset over this. A few complaints have been filed already. Let's see what happens.

The prison already did it in one of the buildings. They're just testing to see if it works before doing every building.

I wonder if the "free world" understands what's happening over here or care to. We in the shu don't have anything! No educational or self-help programs, no religious services. There's nothing! They just threw us in this dungeon and shut the door. They fail to realize that these are the same men being released to communities; being full of rancor, hate, and bitterness, and rage; unprepared to lead a productive life; and set to fail and go back to a criminal life.

2 September 2005 11:40 am

America has once again been awakened from its comfort zone. It's been woken up from a deep and pleasant dream. America has been awakened to desperation which most African and Latin American countries live with every single day.

Many talk about the Southeast looking like a third world country. They cannot believe that such destruction and misery has taken hold on our soil, but it has. This shouldn't be happening to us, right? What, cities completely wiped out, many dropping dead on the streets, thousands upon thousands facing thirst and starvation, and many threatened by outbreaks of diseases and eventual death? This is an unfortunate reality taking place in this nation.

I think we've been spared, her in the U.S from a lot of destruction. We hardly face natural disasters of biblical proportions. And whenever we do face natural disasters, we're able to recover quite well. We're used to seeing other countries go through what we're going through. It's quite a shock to see parts of our country completely perplexed and paralyzed.

This chaotic and horrible atmosphere is daily routine for other nations: Africa is plagued by wars, deadly diseases, and famines. Thousands die daily from starvation and sicknesses all over Latin America. It has become such a part of their lives that they smile through it all and become used to it.

Lt's just pray and hope that soon relief will come to the needy in Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana. And through it all, may we all learn to love one another and care for each other; not taking into account race, gender, or religion; for we're all of one offspring and of one blood.

3 September 2005 8:45 am

My mind's so tired and exhausted right now! I couldn't sleep last night. I probably had two or three hours of sleep. I woke up at 6:00 this morning, made a cup of coffee, and I'm just trying to stay awake.

I already did my bible lesson, and I'm gonna do my workout in a few minutes before I get too burned out. Sometimes exercising alleviates all the pressure and stress in the mind.

I don't know, but I think I'm gonna go crazy one of these days. Sometimes I feel I'm gonna lose my mind! I can't be having these restless nights: tossing and turning, and thoughts running wild in my head for hours!

I woke up this morning and said, "God, once again, I had a terrible night. This morning I'm tired and exhausted. Please help me make it through this day. I thank you none the less, for whatever amount of sleep I had. I know that folks in New Orleans have it worse than me; so there's really no room for my murmurings."

I usually go through these sleepless periods: maybe a week every two months. It's really no big deal. I just hate it! I like my beauty sleep. I can fall asleep easily the morning after if I wanted to (I can sleep very good), but I don't like it, especially when I need to do things.

Whenever I go through these sleepless periods, I don't even want the night to get here! Because I know what it'll bring. I dread it! It's like a big black blanket about to engulf me! (Mind you that I'm afraid of the dark.) I wonder if there's anybody out there who feels like I do. It'd be nice if I could sleep at night and had my girlfriend or wife with me! O! Then I'd welcome it; sleep or no sleep. Well, we'll see what the night brings. "Please, Mr. Nightie, don't eat me!"

4 September 2005 10:25 am

I feel good! I had a good night's rest! I slept so good that I dreamt of getting high! I was in high school smoking weed with my friends. This is what I actually used to do in high school: I'd smoke a joint early in the morning before starting first period. And if I had the chance, I'd light up another one during second or third period.

Now that I remember, I got busted smoking weed by a teacher in high school. I remember being escorted by the police and taken to the station where I got released once my mom picked me up.

Man! I wish I'd go back and start al over again. I'd do things differently. I'm really ashamed of my foolishness, and regret throwing away and wasting so much good. I've come to realize how much I've lost.

I was actually a good kid. I don't know where or when I went wrong. Most of the bad things I did weren't born out of a "bad" heart. I never wanted to do those things; whether it be doing bad at school, drugs or gang banging. I did those things, and more, just to fit in; to be recognized. Now I wish I was a nerd. I'm actually one! I'm just not the typical nerd seen on TV. I'm a bald headed/tattooed nerd.

Well, those who were stranded in New Orleans are finally being evacuated and getting some relief after such a long time being forsaken. Some relief after such neglect is in part due to prejudice; since most of the victims were black and poor. I think there's some truth to that. I don't believe this would have happened (neglect or carelessness) if the stranded would've been rich/ white Americans.

A black brother with whom I often discuss world affairs, social conditions, and religion came to me and said, "You see, Flips, (my nick-name) that stuff happening in New Orleans is being done on purpose." "Well," I told him, "even if it wasn't being done on purpose, it's pure neglect and carelessness."

I guess it's just another lesson to be learned. May we be awakened to the reality of our days. I've often said that the people of America are good in general. But the actions of our government mar such gracious spirit.

6 September 2005 6:54 pm

"A Talk With Alex"

Some time ago, I had a talk with a guy named Alex. It was the first time I've seen him out on the yard. I believe he'd just arrived to this facility.

Alex is about 48 years old; always in and out of prison. His parents had migrated from Mexico about 15-20 years ago and are currently residing in San Diego.

As we were talking, he mentioned that he had a nice family of his own and that his parents own a cactus field. He said that it had become a nice little business and a good source of living. And that his parents were beginning to lose their strength and luster, so they're depending on him to take the reigns of the cactus business. So somewhere in the middle of our conversation, I said to him, "Alex, you're a man with a lot in life. Many guys in here don't have anything. They'd even wish to have less than half of what you got! What are you doing in here? You've got so much to live for! This isn't a place for you! You should be out there helping your parents run the business!" After I'd told him this, he just sat there quiet and staring at me. Puzzled as to what I was saying. (It's rare to have a meaningful conversation in here; all's gossip and crime.) He then tells me, "I know Flipper (my nickname). I understand what you're saying. I just don't know man!" "Alex," I responded, "get away form this lifestyle! At the end, it's you who has control over your life, not so-called homies. Make up your mind! You're not a kid anymore; you're a grown man! Why do you wanna wake up one day alone with nothing when you had more than sufficient on the palm of your hand!" He responds, "Yes, I know what you mean! I just can't seem to make up my mind and choose what's important in life!"

When he had done saying this, I kind of jumped back a little. I was taken aback by his response. Here was a 40 some year old guy telling me this! After a few seconds of silence, I asked him, "Alex, how old are you?" He said, "I'm 48." I think then I responded, "Alex, you're 48 years old; a grown man! And you're telling me that you're not able to change your mind? That you're impotent to choose between freedom and prison, fake friendships or family, a life of crime or a family business? 48 years old and you don't know what to do? Man, Alex, that's very sad! Think about what you're telling me. Maybe you should pray and ask the Lord Jesus Christ o help you and give you strength to do what's right. Don't be afraid to call upon him and ask to change your life."

This is reality and it's sad. But that's how prison life is. And now that I think about it, I'm not surprised at Alex's confused mentality; for prison is full of men in desperate need; full of broken hearts and shattered lives. What's worst is that this the way some are going back to society.

I've been meaning to write about this for a long time now, but I just kept postponing it. Today I decided to write it down and get it off my head.

It's been often said that, "Jesus is a friend of sinners," and "the friend who sticks closer than a brother." These and other such statements are true. Jesus' words ring louder in the heart of every broken prisoner. The Bible's pages ar full of comforting words and healing promises. They call us to repentance, for there is forgiveness; to leave off the works of sin, for there's redeeming love. His words beckon every dry and thirsty soul to have a drink of living water. His arms welcome every prodigal child, and with tender kisses his neck caresses; happy that a child's home.

I'm a product of such agape love; for "I was once lost, but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see." My soul does now sings, "Amazing grace! How sweet the sound, tha t saved a wretch like me!" Why should o reject such amazing love? A love, that neither life nor death, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature shall separate me from?

It is written, "You see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of te world to confound the wise; and God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty. And base things of the world, and things which are despised, has God chosen, yea, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing things that are." (Corinthians 2:26-28)

In other words, God chooses men like me to show the world that with him nothing's impossible.

8 September 2005 1:15 pm

I wrote a poem the other day, and I'm thinking about sending it to the poetry contest. Not for the contest itself, but just to make a contribution.

I'm not a poetry kind of guy. I believe I've composed three or four poems my entire life. Sometimes I feel like hooking one up, but it's really difficult to put the sentences together, especially if you want them to rhyme. And it's even harder for me because Spanish is my native tongue.

This is the poem I wrote (I couldn't think of an appropriate title): 

 
       As I reflect on the past eleven years, 
Of all the pain and many tears 
       My heart breaks forth with singing voice, 
For soon this nightmare will end its course. 
 
       Two years are left before parole, 
I shake and tremble at the thought of home 
       With hopes and dreams to fulfill, 
And live a peaceful life void of ill. 
  
       I stay awake on countless nights, 
Thinking of the future and all its tasks 
Afraid of failing and giving up, 
Are thoughts that always keep me up. 
 
       I must be strong and with strength endure, 
A foreign world and its allure 
Great many hardships I must meet, 
But with grace and courage I will greet. 
 
       At seventeen I was arrested, 
And at thirty-two I will be tested. 
       I'll need to learn to live again, 
To have my own family and be a man.

Not bad, eh? Maybe I should title it "Reflection." Yeah, this will be the name of it!

9 September 2005 11:30 am

I'm glad to see many Christians opening up their hearts and welcoming with open arms the survivors of Katrina. As a Christian, I'm proud to see Christians consoling and comforting the destitute and providing for their needs to the best of their abilities. "He who has two tunics, let him give to him who has none; and he who has food, let him do likewise," said John the Baptizer. Jesus Christ, commanded his disciples (yeah, he commands all of us) and said, "But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just."

Some of us Christians, have become professional talkers; giving lip services to God and his needy children (albeit not everyone who claims to be a follower of Christ is one.) Some of us are cold and indifferent toward those less fortunate. We pray to God, "Bless me, bless me" in our selfish pride, while those around us fall apart. Indeed, for this cause Christians are given a bad name. I hear it all the time within these prison walls. Many come to me and tell me about the indifference and carelessness of Christians in America. But I always remind these guys to judge a man's character not by what comes out of his mouth, but by his actions. Do they reflect the image of Christ? For that's to a Christian.

I'm curious about something: I haven't seen or heard of any Muslim Organization reaching to these people in New Orleans. I don't mean this in any ill-spirited way. I'm just being curious, that's all; perhaps it's just me. I love my Muslim Brothers and Sisters; even though the pillars of our salvation are different.

And what are we to make of the Federal Government? There's much wrangling going on and not enough fingers to show us who's to be blamed for such incompetence in a time of crisis. But the Democrats, have once again, found the perfect opportunity to blame President Bush and his cabinet; while the President and his cronies steps up his "compassionate" babblings! Man, the whole head is sick! I'm sick of this political hypocrisy.