The journal of David Oscar Collins
Entry one
This is my name: David Oscar Collins. I am fifty two years old. This is my testimony. I did learn it from a book and I learn a thing and to from other people. This is not just a testimony of me but my father, too. It's hard for me to remember everything that happened to my father and me. My mother was a worker. She worked as a home wife. My father was a big man and I always looked up to him. He worked for himself. He had his own worker. I was very little at that time myself. He was so big it was something to see him. We would hide from him sometime. He would be mad at Mom. One time he shot in the house and we ran on there the tamboer, but I love my Daddy and Mother. I also have 2 brothers and one sister. My brother has a wife and two boys. My sister, a boy and girl. I think we have had moments of joy in life. We are all over 50 years old now. The ining thing that has happend to me is that I have asked forgiveness of the Lord Jesus Christ. My story is that this happened to all people around the world. My school didn't learn me anything. When I was little they just put me a being bad and just let me go as I want it to do and didn't try to teacher me as a little kid. I was hindered from learning. Maybe they know I would not make it in life. I don't know. Let me stop and tell the story how I was about 23 year old when my life get on the why I whink right now I am 53 years old. I think that I have grown up thing of just girl and money and good time. I never look at heart time or anything as I do now and I will tell you I would like to have my life over. I would never do as I have did to myself as I have did. I hope that this will help so one out there that is into the good time of life before it too late to get back. Now I set and think of all the things that I should be enjoying. Yes! I will get out and I ain't crazy are sleep I may be a little sick and dreaming but I have not given up on life. I live in Dallas Texas in Oak Cliff. Everyone there calls me Oscar.
Entry two
I must say before I start that I didn't get out of school. I just went to the tenth grade so I find writing very difficult. I did have a chance to go back to school. My mom said to me to go to work, just forget about school and just go to work so I did that, but I could not read or understand most things going on moving outside my own house. I would go to my mother and ask anything I would want to know. My daddy had died and my mother was the one who we looked to. I did move out of the house at 21 years old but got in trouble and came back. I came down to prison, I got out and went back to work again at mom's house and about a year later I moved again. I was fine on my own for three or five years but yes, I found it a bit difficult. I did it again. I got ahead of myself again. Let me try to start from when I was a little boy in school. Me and my sister and brother always went to school. Mother, she always went to work. When we came home from school we had to go in the house but we were bad children. It was two lady there that look out over us for my mom. It was two men, too, but the two ladies were the ones who would get us. Yes, they would get us bad. You can't do a child like that now. I don't know if that is good or bad but if I would have just learned back then and understood life as I think now but 6 years old you just like to play all the time. If mother was at home, maybe life would have been better. My sister and brother didn't have a problem but I did, by me beeing bad all the time I was in school. No one looked at me as having trouble. We always go to church every Sunday. My Aunt Dadis would come and get us. My mom would not go, oh yes! I was what you would call a momma's boy. I always would be with Mom but I would go to church. My aunt would not let me not go. My uncle would come over and he would get us and take us around to see uncles and aunts we had. They would have cookies, ice cream, candy, just all kinds of things. You know so we looked for that. My uncle and aunt dies. Now there is just us now and I am back in prison for the fifth time now. Oh I don't not look to know one for me, I did this to myself so I know right and I was free.
Entry three
Time is with you; make it. I have come to see. I sit here by myself and think of all the things I could be doing and of my mistakes in life and o yes! My child begin life I have group in here but I do know the world to I did do work before I got in trouble or on grug. I was in church but one day my brother who is older by one year came home from school and in trouble with some boys. I got mad that day and never went back to church. I started going where the boys were sitting out - my life became their life's. I seen something in the way they were and it seemed right. The life that they had looked good to me. I do not know addicts, but everyone was so in together like family, yes! It did have it's ups and downs, but life was good. You know, I think that is where I came in go to the courts. I would work more than they work think of yes it were more than me that work that was there to just sit around but to me it was the world. I seeing having nowhere to go, I know now we have all that. My name is David Oscar Collins and I pray that the words which I am about to say help someone not to come here to TDCJT. I have been down five times now. I we say you can say that now but when we get out it all joy again in life. We forget where we have been. It makes no mind how much time we did. I know in my case I do good, but I am a drug dealer and addict. I don't spend any time with my family so I hardly know them. I have one sister and one brother. I have had two Daddy. I only know one and he is my step Daddy. As far back as I know he has been there for me. As of now, my mother is no longere here with me. I know she love me too much. He, he. Everything I did she okayed it. I don't know if she did this for my sister of brother or not like I said I didn't go around them too much but now I think of that all the time just sitting here. You can go to the YMCA but you see I had a good minister when I was coming up and now I look back, I pray that everyone can forgive me. I will be getting out one day and I will become as a new man in Jesus Christ. I know he has helped me here all this time. I have seen things that if I talk about it you would no believe me so I will not tell you, but if I had it to do all over I would not come here I will tell that.
Entry 4
Today was a day of just setting and looking at time just go by and sleeping and hearing all t he people who are there with me. The radio, the luck opering and close on the cell. Today is Sunday and some are getting visits on Mother's Day. I think of my mom too and I hope God is taking good care of her and my daughter and my sister. She say she don't care for cards but I would like to give her one if I had the money todo so. She had already wrote me and said that she had a new job and she works on the weekends so I was not looking to see anyone down here. I did get up but it was not anything to do. I did get out to exercise and you do know that I am a diabetic and I have to take care of myself so I test my blood glucose level every day. I just get out of the hospital 3/27/05 and I was doing good but I am up again a little. I am not sick or feeling bad or anything. Just sitting here doing nothing is all day. Looking at the wall and the little window in the back of my cell. The thing is you can't see anything out there - the building again and maybe someone looking back at you out of their window. "Smile" Oh Well! I don't have a radio but I do hear the game and now some people talk from cell to cell everyday and I do have a hotpot to make coffee and would read more if I could get me some eyeglasses. They are going to give me some again soon, I hope. I had to wait two years to get some more and I am still wanting. They said that I miss it and I was right there but they say I needed a sgt and a officer but I was just down the wall from the eye doctor. He, he, he. So it will be 6 months again. I will get some one day. My headaches and I feel dizzy, shaky head, but I am fine. To talk to these people is to talk to a bog and you know how he hears you and just look at you with those big eyes. Well, that is the why the officer do you know some can hear you. They are old but the one that are 20 or 40 "doy". I tell you it makes you so mad that you are just trying to get out or do something right and here is someone who is just here not to work but just make a day and go home. Most of them just sleep the day by if they can. It's a good job if I have to say it you can find a job like it and they want more money (he, he, he). We just get a notice from the Commerare. We can just keep commissary just 60 days and we will have to put a name on things we have now. Everyone is talking about that you know and the girl books we were getting, we can't anymore so we all are talking about all that now.
Entry 5
Today is 5-9-05 and it's just like the day before. We get up at 2:30 and we eat and at 5:30am we go to a cell-like room and you set are you for exercise. I am trying to stay in control of my life. We all are here but we all are men and the thing is we get mad with no ladies around, yes! There are officers around but that's not like your own lady and officer is an officer man are lady and the nurses they like man to only do their job and go home. They see what goes on but they don't say anything and some call the trouble at time. It seems to me I stop going in to get my shots (injections) because for trouble that I am in. Now I go to court and I will get 5 more year on the time I have with is 35 year I will have to come up on the 35 years before I can do the 5 year so I set and think of this and it is coming up on the 5/27/05. A little more time I had hoped that I had seeing my lost time going to court. You know I think of the 1968-1974 before all this began in my life. How good life was. I don't look at anyone. It's all my doing the thing that I am going through. I know what I was doing just like I know what I will do when I go home. I will go to work somewhere doing what I can. I've think 10 years so far on that day. And I been there before so I know how hard it can be for a man just getting out in the world. You can't make too much thinking on it because one thing goes wrong back you come crying that you did nothing wrong. Oh well! I put my ear on the door again tonight as always and go to sleep and pray that God will let me get up again in the morning. Smile and smile again.
Entry 6
You know I do not think my Mother and Daddy know what is going on in my life. I know they don't know the courts or jail or T.D.C.J.C. I never try to tell them. I always did my own thing as fore being in God I always work somewhere but I did like the night life and all that be going on at night. The night lights. It something about it that I just enjoy. The girls, yes, but its something out there more than just girls or ladys if you have it and its the money, the joy, the happiness to be big or be little I think it is the smile, the joy of someone in need as you are. I like people. I like the game of people, be thereself no trying to be alike but just happy and I am not talking about "Hi are been Hi" I am saying that the people look so need to one another. You know and it's here to you can see it in the people and in the officers. It is a world of its own, a not too happy one, but it is now big need. Everyone looks out for the one who is in need. It's crazy sometimes. People mad and friends at the same time you would not believe it if you was to see it. People from all over the world and there like brother and sister and mom and daddy. Can you see that children like to just a new world. Some even believe in God, too. I still think of my first day sitting with some boys at school that did not go school. We are lived right by the school. We played basketball together all the time then we get bad and wanted money. Some work but then those didn't. The people have more are die in the year. I have heard of 10 people dying since I been here. I lost my mom, daughter and aunt and looking to lose my daddy. He is 88 years old now and sick all the time. I was thinking that my brother and sister would take care of him but people and money is something they talk about the bad people but I have seen them care more for the sick then people that work with sick people and little children. The people that care for the sick or something I would have never thought that my sister would be as she is or my brother. No, you could not have told me that they would be like I see them. Now my grandkids don't write me or come to see me but if I get out there they will come where I am you know but time is like look in a moria thing just keep on go with you and without you and that talk you to. This is the real stats where people are dying. I know I am hardy commented perpetually. Yeah well, as you may have it, our illustrious wall there you go just a letter would do me. Some money to you know some may be murders yes once I mart a girl that was on the top 10 list and I didn't know it and she say it one day she didn't look like the picture at all. If she would not have tell me I would never know that is the night life. You never know who is who and some it is good that you don't know you know as long as no one is getting hurt. I have never knew anyone who get hurt out there and I am glad and hope and pray I don't. It is the stats. It is the same here. You after know people die here to one time I was down and it was man dead for 3 days. Sleep 3 to 4 people right there. Sleep for 3 days and no one know that was what was said to me or told to me. I think in here you better look out for yourself in all thing that's eating to medical sleeping you bus know at all time here. Play all kinds of games. yes, sex games, too, and own is it. If you do oh you that is all I say to you - you would think that the offiers would say something and most will but you are on your own here and it is like that in the world, too, but it is bigger out there. You can get somewhere and here you can't. It's little here, a little world of its own with all kinds of people in it. Crying, sick, crazy, wicked, poor, run people, worry people, a work tap, school tap, God likes all kind of people, and every day it is something go on and we walk.
I hope you can make something out of all this. I am thinking of more to say at this time I just want you hear from me okay.