The journal of Jason RosaTable of Contents:
February 1, 2005Hey, how you doing? I hope everything is fine and running smoothly. Well as for me, I'm staying away from trouble and all jail politics. Every day is a possible day for me getting closer to home. My knee is getting better day by day, the physical therapy is coming along well. Anyway, everything else is still the same. My sister is still in the streets and my aunt told me there's a possibility that she might be pregnant. That sucks!! She's only 14 years old - (a kid) what would she know about raising a baby? Ever since my mother passed away, everything has been going down hill. I have so much on my mind that I can't even finish reading this book that I started about 3 weeks ago. It's like there's not enough time in a day no more, time is going by very fast. That's a good thing for me though. My days go by cause I'm so busy trying to get my knee strong again and most of the time I'm playing my bunk writing lyrics or writing letters to these organizations trying to have plans ready upon my release. I'm serious about this - if they give me a chance I'm taking it and I'm going to do what is supposed to be done the right way. I can't wait but I have no choice but to. Well I guess a journal would be something like this but I'm writing like a letter, which it is. Just writing down what's going on cause I really can't write to anybody else about this, it's like they don't care. They're like "save me the sob stories". I had a pen pal that I was in contact with for about 3 months. We were expressing our problems on paper and I don't know what happened - she stopped writing. I'm wondering if I got a little too deep for her or said the wrong thing. (I don't know what happened) I'm paranoid, she's probably just busy out there. I know there's a lot of work to be done. It's good to get mail from people on the outside - just to get the feel on how things are going. I call my older sister every two weeks on Sunday. She tries to do her best and send me some goodies once every month. I understand her struggle. She's back in school about to get one of those degrees in college. That's good for her, she deserves it - she's crazy smart. It's just that cycle where we were raised, kids having kids and she happened to be one of those kids to get caught up and she didn't get a chance to finish school. I'm having in there waiting for my turn and when I'm released I'm going to school first chance I get, I want to take up culinary arts - I love to cook maybe it's because I love to eat. One thing about this little journey in this prison system that I have been on is that it made me the man I am today. All the mistakes that I made and learned from made my humble. A few years back I used to think I had to do certain things to be with the in crowd and the in crowd in jail is trouble. It's not cool now that I look back at it. I'm so glad I've made a change. My mother was taking care of me. Now I'm my own man - no more Mommy's boy. But boy do I miss her. I look at some people and they still have their parents - they don't know how blessed they are. All I have is my 4 sisters, my brother and NIECE and that part of my family is starting to go their separate ways like my aunts and grandmother did. If I'll have any kind my kinds won't have grandparents on my side of the family. That's sad. It has to happen to somebody; I'm that somebody. I didn't even get a chance to introduce a girlfriend to my mom. She never met any of them and I've been locked up so long I lost my girlfriend. I don't blame her. I got to start all over and this time I got to do it right. I'm no longer a kid anymore. I'm 25, I'm a man. I learned from my wrongs and suffered from the consequences, lost a lot and now I have a lot to gain. I'm thinking my own family but I think that might be too much. Got to get a girl first that'll accept me for me, for my past, even though I've made terrible decisions. My past will always make me look like a bad person, I didn't ask for this. I'm ready for what's next. My older sister always tries to bring up my spirits by saying "It could only get better". I hope so. I hope she's right. I'm tired of living like a damn criminal and being labled a criminal when I'm not but my records and that computer system doesn't agree. Thanks for letting me write down what I'm feeling. At this time I have much more but I have to save for the next letter. (I mean journal). Peace. 02 May 2005Today is May 2/3, 2005, it's like one o'clock in the morning. I can't get no sleep- I never get no sleep especially with this guy next to me snoring all night. Man, I am so tired that if I had a job in the morning I would be so fired. Every time I try to get some rest I'll just lay there tossing and turning all night. Right now I'm listening to Coast to Coast AM with George Norie- 950. It's an interesting show. I listen to it when I can't sleep at night and then when he talks about ghost and aliens- I'm definitely not going to sleep, my mind starts playing tricks and I start seeing shadows from my peripheral vision. I've been in my own world lately. I got a lot on my mind, it seems like since I have less than 50 days before my parole hearing, (to determine if I could go home earlier than possible) so many obstacles have been heading my way (IE) arguments with other inmates almost escalating to fights over petty stuff and me having to use my anger control sequence, a misbehavior report for a tattoo that I had for the longest but it's not indicated on my file so they charged me with "receiving a tattoo while incarcerated in the department of corrections." I got to write a letter to the Executive Parole Board Division before I see them I see them in June, I want to let them know how I feel but I don't want to say the wrong thing I guess honesty is the best policy. I just want to go home-that's how I feel every day. A few weeks ago I've seen the social worker of the facility and she asked me "how do you feel, do you think the parole I going to let you go?" I told her I think I'm going home but there's sometimes I believe they are going to stick to the script and make me do two more years because my crime is violence and they don't give people with my kind of crime no chance. I think the only thing that might save me is the fact that I was 16 years old when I made that wrong decision that changed my life forever, it was a huge mistake and I am so apologetic for what I done. I lost my moms since I've been incarcerated, that hurt me very much. She told me she'll be there the day I come home and now she's gone and my family went their own ways, my mother was the one who kept us together. I have nothing. I have to start all over. At least I'll get a chance to start all over and fresh to do the right thing this time. The day is 5/3 I'm midway through I didn't get much sleep last night (as always) I went on a medical trip to see the surgeon who performed a ACL reconstruction on my knee â€" he told me there's good results and may go back to my normal activities but I'm not going to chance it with playing tough basketball-it's only been 5 months I would have to re-injure it. So I'm just going to stick with my daily leg workout routines. 04 May 2005It's been a long day, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I have a headache and I'm trying to overcome this writer's block that I've been having for some time now. Today is 5/4. Today is my younger sister's birthday she's 13. Damn I wish I was home to celebrate with her. I hope she got my card. I can't call cause I'm on loss of privileges as far as phone, commissary and rec because I was giving a misbehavior report for a tattoo I received while incarcerated in the department of corrections. One of the boys from around my way just got taken away to the box for smoking in the building-that sucks! I can't understand why there's a nightlight in the ceiling that's so bright they might as well keep all the other lights on- it's crazy. They're making it more difficult for me to get any rest. My day so far, has been a mission. I noticed that I keep putting my-self out there to be a target and now that I brought that to my own attention-I'm falling back, from everything and everyone. I need to, I can't afford getting in trouble and losing my ART program which I need when I go in front of the parole board. I'm slipping and playing myself â€" I never use to be like this. Today I had to avoid another confrontation with this guy who is trying to shiest me out of my tape. I lent him a cassette tape and (my boy that went to the box) he's blaming it on him, he saying that my boy had the tape and the co's packed his property. So I lose out but I believe this kid is really grimy and tryin to get over. But I got a trick for him, I got one of his tapes so I'm going to hold on to that. Well today I learned that I can't win, every time I turn around someone is trying to push my buttons, it's like this old man in my dorm, he's always saying "they're always picking on me." Well that's how I feel. I mind my own business and someone still manages to bug me. The thing I learned though â€" is to pay no attention to these people, (ignore them) give them no feedback cause that's what they want. But I got a trick for them, they won't get it from me. I'm trying to go home and leave them behind â€" if they want to stay in prison buggin other people, that's on them - but J. Rosa won't be the company of their misery. 05 May 2005It's incredible how the time is going by so fast. It's already May 5th 2005 â€" I'm on the countdown. We finally got a nice day, it's warm and sunny outside. We were due, to all the rain we had in the past week. I like when it rains though â€" it seems so peaceful. But nice days is when we get to bring the new sneakers out and feel god. So today I'm going to put my brand new brown Balances on, I ain't too much of a sneaker dude, my thing is timberland boots. I'm listening to Eminem new album and this kid is crazy, his lyrics is crazy. He makes me want to write something, I have to do more story telling in my rhymes â€" I got to work on that. well, today in replacement training â€" I learned how to respond to anger, it's very easy and having these skills and putting them to use when there's a conflict should work no problem. I finally came along to writing that letter for the Executive Parole Board Division, I'm writing down how I feel, I'm being truthful - I hope they understand where I'm coming from. And I truly hope they let me go home to my family. 06 May 2005It's May 6, 2005 and the weather was even better than yesterday, too bad I couldn't go outside and enjoy it â€" (due to the penalty imposed of my privileges, I'm on lose of recreation until May 15). My day was alright until I was called to the Infirmary for a urine test, for suspicion of using weed. I'm going to take it down today early â€" I got to go to work in the Infirmary tomorrow morning. The infirmary is a whole other world. I like working up there helping out with the patients, I get time to think alone when up there. 08 May 2005Mother's day ain't the same no more since my mom passed, next month will make three years since she's been gone. Today, May 8, 2005, I thought about her, every time I heard some kids on the radio giving their moms shout outs- I hope they know how grateful they are. Moms are the best people in the world. I wish my moms was still here but then again, she's in a better place, less stress and suffering. Guys in the dorm area in where I live ask me if I want to buy a Mother's Day card and I look at them like they're stupid like they're supposed to know my mom is gone. I miss her so much. I'm tired, I didn't get much sleep last night (I never do). The only time I get rest is when I'm dead but right now ain't no time to rest I can't slack I got to stay on my job and keep positive. 10 June 2005I'm back. It's been a fast first two weeks of June. I'll be going to my first parole board hearing on the 15th, I hope they let me go because I had enough, I can honestly say that because it's true. Last month went by so quickly that no one from my family wrote me â€" it's been at least two months and a half since the last time I heard from any of my sisters, brother, niece, or aunt. Hey they got to do what they need to do. I wrote a letter to the Parole Board division â€" the executives in Albany I hope they got it and read what I had to say. I put down how I feel about my situation, I gave then am insight on who I really am. I didn't blame anything on the fact that I was sixteen years old when I committed my crime but I did let it be known that I was an un-educated individual with no goal â€" just to do what I seen other people do growing up where I'm from in the south Bronx. I regret doing what I did, I didn't know the consequences would be so severe I really did learn my lesson. There's no way in the world that I'm that same kid, I'm a changed person I can feel it I'm no longer shy I can carry on with a conversation I have skills to maintain a job â€" these skills I didn't have I didn't get past the ninth grade- I got kicked out of junior high because I was a damn idiot. I was skipping a lot of classes in that school- I never went, I had problems, problems that still bother me to this day. I don't speak about these problems with no one, I'm little too embarrassed. But they don't mean anything anymore I just block them out and don't let them hold back my progress. Well for the last past month I was learning my aggression structure skills there's ten of them, I know it by heart. We did scenarios where we record ourselves but the guy with the camcorder didn't know how to operate it (he's been locked up so long) so we didn't get a chance to see our body language. I would like to see myself on tv, to see if I do something I dislike and make a few changes. But sometime next week we're going to try it again this time in groups. I think back to last month May and I realize that I escaped a lot of BS that been going on in the dorm I'm in (thank god- because I can't afford it). But I really believe it's a reason- I think it's meant for me to go home this year, it has to be. I remember last month when I just got my privileges back form a misbehavior report I receives for getting a tattoo while incarcerated in the DOC the officer gave me another misbehavior report for attempting to smoke in the shower area with two other guys, when I don't smoke so whatever. Well the other two guys went to the box and my luck kept me out- my misbehavior report was dismissed. There's one thing I wonder- if that hearing officer would've found me guilty, I would've been a done deal. They would've given me two years more for that alone. It's meant for me to leave. This parole board hearing been on my mind for the last three months now, I haven't been writing or anything. The last time I wrote anything was for my first week of May journal entry. I haven't been writing any rhymes down I haven't wrote any family or friends- I haven't been stress I'm just anxious to get it over with already. I'm starting to get butterflies in my belly when I think about it. This people hold my freedom in their hands and I really think that they're going to give me a chance. And if they do I promise and it's written and shown here that I won't let them down or myself down I have to do something positive with my life I mean that's what my mom would want and all I ever wanted to do was please her-it's so sad that she's not here now but I'm going to move on and do my best to better myself (I promise!!). No more of this prison BS for me- it's for the birds and I ain't one of those, I'm a man and it's crazy that I've become a man in jail this damn system made me and made me a believer- this ain't the place for me and I speak for myself some other people enjoy this craziness, not me. I've been getting better sleep lately, I had to stop taking anps like I was an old person and started working out in the morning and by the time the lights go off at 10 o'clock at night- I'm out like a light around 10:30 to 11. 11 June 2005I'm starting off a little slow this morning--I'm trying to get it together. For the last few weeks I've been doing overtime in the infirmary and it paid off quite well and also, it keeps me out of trouble. I enjoy working in the infirmary because it is so easy and simple. I get to work with the nurses and learn a few things from them. Four more days to the parole board. I'm trying not to be nervous but I can't. It's hard. Right now it seems easy but when the time comes then only time will tell. For the last few weeks I've been practicing writing with my left hand just in case something happens to the right I'll be ready. It's kind of sloppy but I'm getting there. It's a good thing when you can use both. (I forgot what they call that.) So far in a place where I'm at--the day is good. 13 June 2005Today was very hot and hazy. I don't like the summer time very much. I would say my favorite season would be the winter time. Must be because I was born in December. I didn't do very much today. There's not much you can do in prison. I'm just preparing my documents for tomorrow, tomorrow Might Be My Big Day. I'm nervous every time I think about it. I just hope the parole board decides to let me go. I've been practicing what I'm going to say for the final speech ad I know when the time comes I'm not going to say it the way I'm supposed to. I hope it come out good. I might get no sleep tonight thinking about tomorrow--I have to learn to relax and accept whatever is going to happen--I have no control of what that board wants to do with my life. So I got to hope for the best and expect the worst. May God Bless Me. Everyone says that the parole board already has the decisions made out. All I would like to know is how do they know that? I don't know that, and even if I knew that, I might get an additional 24 months to do. I'm going to try and dig my way out of that. I don't deserve two more years, no way. There's this book that I've read called the "Celestial Prophesy." It's deep. It has something to do with coincidences. Something, for some reason I chose to live by--everything is done for a reason. I'm here for a reason, so there will be no such thing as coincidences. As a man, thinking is deep, too. There's a part in there where it says Fear and Doubt leads to failure, so I can't fear anyone, even the thought alone can destroy a person. 16-17 June 2005It has been raining all day. We needed that. It's been so hot, but now the rain is going to cool it down. Hopefully, a little later in the day it'll get warmer again, but I hope it stays cool. Anyway, I'm back at it--I can't sleep. I went to the parole board yesterday and it wasn't what I thought it was going to be--it was too easy--I thought it was going to be much harder. Now the hard part is waiting for the decision. I hope it's in my favor (why wouldn't I). I'll find out later today when they give the mail out at 3:45 pm. Yesterday, I had a dream that I made it. We'll see. The commissioner's at the parole hearing didn't give me a sign to tell me that I'm going to make it but it looks like I should expect the worse. I believe I made it because it's meant of r me to leave and not stay in this place--it's not for me. But it's hard to read them people. It's too hard to figure out. Well, today was a half ass day for me--I went to the gym and played some basketball and now I'm sore as ever. I had to ice my heel. Ever since I'm coming back fro my knee recovery my heel is starting to kill me, but my knee where I ripped my A.C.L. doesn't bother me at all. I swear, if it isn't one thing it's another. This guy I know (me and him is cool) tells me I should pray for what's going right now with this parole and I told myself I'm going to leave that alone cause I might jinx whatever is happening right now. The last time I prayed was when I ask my lord to keep my mother healthy and alive so when I go home she'll be there. (I prayed Saturday morning) I prayed morning and night--three times a day. Well that Saturday morning I was told to go to the chaplain and he told me my mother had an accident and that she was no longer with us. I couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. I didn't believe him and I saw the paper in front in front of him with my mother's name on it and next to it it said D.O.A. I was sick. He tried to call my house for me, he couldn't get through, so I told him to let me call with my Din number and I got threw to one of my younger sisters--as soon as she heard me she started crying and I couldn't understand her so she passed the phone to my younger brother and he told me and that's when I broke down. I couldn't take it. I had to tell him that I'll call back later. I went to my cell and just cried all day. My best friend was gone. I couldn't believe it. I just talked to her Thursday. I just saw her on a visit a month ago from the day she died. My mother was hit by a van while coming out of the grocery store. The van backed up, hit her and kept going . He could've saved her. My little brother went downstairs and saw mom on the floor bleeding from her head. He blames himself. He says he was supposed to go with her and help her with the groceries. A few days later I go down to the funeral all the way down in the Bronx from up north Dannamora. I see almost my whole family that I haven't seen in 10 years since I was 12, 13 maybe younger than that. My grandmother and aunt came all the way from Florida. That was the saddest day of my life besides when my only uncle died. My mom's only brother. He was cool. He came and got me every summer and then one summer he was murdered. He worked as an alarm person, and he was settingone up in an apartment that happened to be occupied by drug dealers, and someone came in to rob the place and killed everyone in the apartment. My uncle was at the wrong place at the wrong time. He had a closed casket, the burial is where I broke down. One of the commissioners called me an orphan because my mom and dad are gone. I'm 25. I feel like an old ass man. My legs hurt from playing ball. I'm done with balling. I got to take at least a year off--let myself heal. 17 June 2005Today is not a good day, never mind the bad weather. It's the bad news. I have to do an additional 24 months of this shit. I'm tired of it. The good news: I'll be home one day. I really thought I was going to be released by these people who don't know a damn thing about. Everything is alright so far, but I don't know if I'm going to be alright down the line. I have no doubt in me, and I don't fear nothing, everything is done for a reason. That's the way I look at it. I have this thing about June. June is not a good month for me at all. It's my bad luck month. I'm 3 for 3 in this month. I got cut June 2000. My mother died June 2002. I got 2 more years to do on top of my already done 9 years (June 2005) I hate to see what next year June brings. I hate this month. Sometimes I wish I could never wake up. I hate this shit. Come in 16, leave when I'm 28 (hopefully) my C.R date is 2008. Somebody has to do this, someone has to live my life and that'll be me. I'll handle it, can't nobody do my life. I wish I had my family there for me, these 2 years is going to be tough without my sister and the rest of my family not there to holler at me. I just want to do right, get my life in order and I'm gone. I'm moving to Canada--true story!! I hate this life. Well, the hard part is over, hopefully it gets better from here on out. (Hope for the best, but expect the worst.) 19 June 2005As far as weather goes--today is much warmer than yesterday. But today is no better than yesterday. I still feel the same. I need to come up with a plan on how t better myself for the next two years. My new workout is going to consist of legs one day; pull ups, dips and push ups the next day, legs after that, and a day off and back to the same routine. I got to get my vocabulary better than what it is and get this phase II program out of the way A.S.A.P., stack some program money, subscribe to F.H.M., order some headphones--I got a lot I have to do and forget getting some more needed rest. I hate this life, my agenda is so lame I have to do something with myself and it hurts that I have to do it by myself. I have no one there to help me. Enough with feeling sorry for myself--I'm tired of it. I'm going to do these two years and go home. It's crazy how the nine years I've done went by so fast and when I got that additional 24 months-it made me realize that eleven years is a lot out of my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Nine is to much, 10 and 11 is excessive. (Damn( They're making me do this time. They have no sympathy for me whatsoever. It's ok they can't hold me forever. I'll be home one day. 24 June 2005Hot today. It was in the low 90's. I finally finished 10 weeks of Aggressional Replacement Training. I hope it helps me down the line because I know there's challenges out there waiting for me. It's about 10'o'clock at night it's starting to cool down, I got the fan on m and nice cold jug of water which I'm about to change into ice tea to go with my tuna sandwich. Still thinking about how II'm going to map out these next two years. I would like to subscribe to a magazine but my money is funny, so I'm going to stack my 17 dollars that I get every two weeks for a few months. (That should add up) Then I can get some magazines, some tapes and new headphones. Today was an alright day, I had no encounters with anyone, no disputes, no run-ins with the officers. I wish days were more easy like that. I need to stop gambling before I get into serious trouble. I went with the Spurs for six straight games and lost more than I would have won so I decided to leave game seven and they pulled it off and I was upset that I didn't bet . that's when I realized that I was an addict. I was mad because I was scared to lose more money and mad because Antonio won and I could've got my money back. Detroit almost had them. Oh well. I'm done. No more betting on anything. I got four new phone numbers on my list, four chances for someone accepting my call--I hope someone picks up, I need somebody to talk to. I miss my family. I wish I could hear form one of them. I didn't write anyone to tell them I was given two more years to do. Every time I write no one writes back so I don't even waste my stamps. I rather waste my stamps on the game. Ain't no more games now. I don't bet on the WMBA because I have no idea what's going on there. I need to go home. Every time I'm watching TV and see a girl that looks good--I get stressed. I need a girl bad. I need to get the hell out of here. I can just picture these girls mine--I picture me in a relationship with them but I'm not sure if they would like me. I haven't had a conversation with a girl in about 10 years. That's bad. I'm only 25. Well, 2007 is my time if not it'll be no later than 2008. I'm a pull me a nice P.Y.T. and go one from there. I'm so eager to see what this level of relationship will bring. Because the girls now--at my age are different than when I was 15-16, when they were 15-16 with me it wasn't about much. All we used to do was fool around, that's all it was about. I had an official Shorty. Her name was Stephanie. Me and her was cool. I miss her. I remember it was summertime and my cousin came and picked me up for Long Island, and I didn't come back for about two months after, and she was gone. Then we bumped into each other again and she had a baby with this kid I knew and I was in aww. That could've been my kid, though thank god it wasn't because I can't take care of no kid from here. She was a good person. I hope I see her again. I'll never forget those eyes. Al I have are memories--that's what gets me through the day sometimes, and sometimes it has me depressed. like every now and then I'll check my photo album and stress out every time I see my mom with my brother and sisters. I need to chill out with that. I just hope I get a chance to have a family of my own. 26 June 2005Another hot day. I'm glad I'm at work right now--this A.C. does justice. Yesterday was in the mid 80's at least, I went to the yard ad worked out for the first time in three weeks and today I feel the soreness. That's the results--that means I did a good job. Yesterday, this guy got hit in the eye and it was pretty bad. He had to get stitches and now it's swollen. I feel sorry for him--people tend to forget where they're at. Prison is prison doesn't matter which you have to stay on your heels. Can't get too relaxed. This is not the place for that. You have to watch what you say to people. You never know how the next person's brain operates. Everyone thinks differently that's why I don't talk much. I'm anti-social with most of the prisoners. If I can't learn anything from them or if they can't help me in any way there's no need for me to socialize. I'm trying to get out of this hell hole. There's some guys that want me to stay with them. Some people heard that I received an additional two more years, and the first thing they said, "Well, you're going to be here with me" or "We'll be here together" stuff that I don't want to hear because I don't want to be locked up in here forever with these people. 29 June 2005Another hot day, but right now I'm cooling, I got the big fan blowing air in my cube--it feels a little like A.C. Well, so much has happened in the last three days. Thank god it's already hump day. It's 11:32 pm, so tomorrow is already which would be Thursday and then the 4th of July weekend which I wish I could be home for. Well, back to the "mishaps"--I know yesterday it started off ok, then as the time went by I enjoyed myself to some cheese cake I made for two other fellows--I watched B.E.T for at least 6hours; 2 hours Red Carpet, 3 Â" of the awards and the day couldn't end without drama happening. One of the fellows I made the cheese cake for felt that I was playing a little bit too much with him when I was making a comment labeled him a racist. It started off when he was talking about Paul Wall a white rapper that was performing at the end of the Best Awards and he was saying hateful things--I know this person, I've been around him, I know how he is, and he is very pro-black. Hey, that's his preference, but I spoke the truth and the truth hurts, so he started getting serious. I'm no punk, I don't back down easily--so me and him are arguing and I was making a mockery of him. I started saying things like "yo where this tough shit come from--it must be from the eggs I put in the cheesecake." And he was getting furious. It went on for about a half hour then he wanted to fight and me, I don't fight over foolishness. Only time I do is when someone tries to harm or sometimes says some derogatory statements. He did neither, he just made a big scene, and I realized I had this person really upset so I apologized cause I was in the wrong. I kept messing with the guy but I squashed it, it wasn't worth going to the box; it's too hot. But other than that--the last two other days before yesterday were ok. It's never a good day in this damn place. I never get mail on the mail call--call outs don't even call me out. I've been trying to do some overtime in the infirmary. But the other nurses aid is being greedy. He wants all the time for himself. Every time I ask him , "Let me work today?" there's always an excuse he could have it. I'll be alright. I'm glad yesterday didn't go to the worst that could happen. I need to fall back and stop getting too relaxed and remember where I am at for real before I get killed because I am not trying to kill anyone, and stay in this hell hole forever, so I should remind myself that every day when I wake up--like a prayer. 2 July 2005My day is a headache. My back has been killing for two days now. I think I made it worse yesterday when somebody told me to do light dead lifts. So right now I'm at the infirmary working through the back pain. I don't do any lifting or tough work--nothing. For the past few days I've been thinking about whipping (the guy who fronted on me)--ass! It's been bothering me. I keep thinking about it. I'm really thinking about pressing him when my back gets better. Hopefully, I change my mind down the line. I wish I could just escape this bullshit. I'm tired of it. I hope I don't do anything stupid to this guy. Yesterday my back hurt so bad I couldn't even walk to the bathroom. I'll be alright. Well today is an easy day so far and most likely when I go back to the dorm I'll take a shower, write some more in my project and take it down for the rest of the night. It's nice and cool in the infirmary with the air conditioner. That's the main reason I changed my shift from weekend all day, to weekday 12:30 to 9pm. Hopefully, my two years will go faster. Now I got to change my hours for my workout plan. Well, today is a done deal. July fourth is a wrap--today was alright it wasn't too humid. I was at work anyway dealing with this mad man show that is a C.O. and somewhat my boss. He ahs a power trip; he likes to show that. Hey, I don't bother him and he doesn't bother me, but what did bother me today is that these other guys at my job have sticky fingers. These guys saw me place my magazine in the counter top and when they left before me the magazine was gone. Now I have to settle with this guy tomorrow and let him know politely not to touch what's mine. My life is boring. Since I've been writing in this journal nothing exciting has happened. (My journal is boring.) I ask myself do people really want to read this. Do they really want to know how today's weather was. I should start telling war stories, but hey, this is what happens everyday of my life since I've been writing. I wish I would have started this project a few years ago--when it was more hectic for me when I was running wild with gangs. Well, just the damn Bloods. They are unorganized, plus that life isn't for me. I had to fall back--if not I had to cut everybody in the jail. That's how it was. Whoever ain't Blood, don't rock. I'm my own gang now. I don't need anyone. I hold my own. So I stay subtle and away from the B.S and I don't have to worry about hurting anybody to protect myself. I learned when I was a part of a gang, a lot of people didn't like me because of the reputation of the Bloods. It brought unwanted beef--beef that I inherited with being with this organization. Now I check into no one and do my own thing to survive in this system. 5 July 2005It's the 5th of July--it's 11:56 at night. This is the best time to write in my journal. This is the time when I get to re-track my day and put my rundown on paper. Well, today was a nice day. It rained so it was much cooler today than the last few days. I can feel that these two more years I have to do is going to go by fast, especially since I switched my working days. I have to stay in the infirmary from 12:30 to nine, other guys ask me "How the hell do you do it?" I tell them it doesn't bother me and anything is better than being around a bunch of people who are aggravated by the hot humid weather. I'll tell them straight up that I'm tired of being around the same people everyday. If you can't help me in any way; if I can't learn anything from these people, then I stay away. I'd rather work my whole day in the infirmary, helping out with people that need my help and anything that makes the time go by is a plus. Well, the beginning of my day wasn't much. I did my usual chores at work, watched a little TV, read my NewsWeek. (I enjoy reading those magazines. It's the same magazine one of the cleanup guys snatched up without asking, and I told him to bring it back. Well, I got it and I finished up.) I like reading about what's going on in the world. Everything from hybrid-gas/electric cars to social security and the research on stem cell embryos. My neighbor has subscriptions. He gets the US News and NewsWeek all the time, and he passes it along to me. I can't get into regular novels. I'd rather know what's going on with the soldiers in Iraq and China, the "Sleeping Giant", and the aide to help Africa with their poverty and the fight against the diseases they have over there. Igot the new Rolling Stone with Jessica Alba on the cover. "She's Bad." I know the Fantastic Four is going to be crazy--it's all over the commercials. Back to where I was--I came back to the dorm from work around 9'o'clock and this kid I know has my mail for me. (I'm at work when they pass the mail out, the C.O. that is). Now the officer should know that if I'm not there--hold my mail until I get back. The officer doesn't know if I know this person and that letter could've been from my Aunt with her address on it and this prison I'm in is for sex offenders. I don't know who is who or who is a rapist. I'm here against my will. I have a violent case and attempted murder that I didn't even do but I took the blame. Reason why: If I didn't ain't no telling what these people would've done to my family--to my mother for god sakes. (My God, bless her soul.) I was in the wrong place at the time. Yes, I had a gun in my hand, but I couldn't come around to shooting this man, so the person I was with took the gun from my hand and did the crime. I've been locked up for nine years. Where I'm from in the South Bronx--you don't tell, that's how I was raised by the drug dealers around my way. I wish I never grew up around there. I missed the best years of my life. I'm 25 and been in prison since 16, and when I go back to parole I'll be 27; it's kicking my ass. What makes it worse, the so-called friends that I grew up with and was a part with what I was doing when I was arrested, don't even send my commissary money. They know that all I had was my mom and she's gone. I'm so mad at these people. That's why I'm done with these people. When they let me go in 2007 I'm starting a new life the right way, away from the South Bronx, away from NYC period. I want to go to Canada as soon as I get a chance. This charge I have on my record is not good, I would always be labeled as a killer and I would always have to explain myself and be looked as a killer and a liar. I don't win. There were two cases for what I'm locked up for, the other one is assault, which I actually did. I stabbed an individual and caused him to get 5 stitches for a severe cut. I was wrong for that. It happened after a party on New Years Eve. I was on drugs. I regret doing it. That was the start of al my problems. The stabbing gave the cops reason to believe that I shot the other person. I was guilty before proven innocent. I was a damn idiot for taking that blame. I still can see my mom and sister's face in Supreme Court the day of my sentencing. I know they were like "How can you tell them you did it?" My mother knew I didn't do it; I told her everything I did and this case right here, I didn't do it. Well, the letter I got today was from my favorite correspondent--Alternatives Library. Stephanie dropped a note. It was good to know that someone cares about the struggles I go through. Thanks. There are some things I block out. I'm too embarrassed to express these experiences. It wasn't good. Only 2 people in my life knows about what happened. I still don't know how they take it. But I got it off my chest somewhat. I try not to think about it. Well, here's the end of my day. It's 1:07 am. I have 950 am coast to coast on and finally another alright day with no drama, no run ins...Thank the Lord. 14 July 2005Well, I took a week off from writing my journal and here I am once again (like Kelly Clarkson). That song is on the radio every 45 minutes. Anyway, a lot has happened in the past nine days--it's too much for me to handle at the end of the night. I couldn't even grab my pen and paper at the end of the night because I was so tired. Right now as I write this, I'm exhausted and it's only 6 o'clock in the evening I'm at work in the infirmary and the officer that's working with me is getting worse and worse everyday. I feel it's going to become so bad that I might have to give this god job up and change plans. I don't want to get into an unnecessary altercation with this CO because he's known for putting prisoners in the box. I can't afford to go to the box. I was thinking about pulling him over to talk and let him know what he's doing is wrong. He abuses his authority. Everything was alright until he came on the scene, he's a short person and he has little man complex. He thinks everyone is always trying to get over on him, but I try to let him know that this is the way it's been before you came here. There's no trouble up here. It's quiet. But no, he chooses to ruin everyone's day. He comes on at 3:30 and changes the patients' TV program and puts the channel onto gulf because he wants to watch it. It's not cool working with this person. I thought he would compromise being that I'm working 81/2 hours. I do my job. I cause no trouble, and he tells me that things are going to change around here. What is that supposed to mean. He has plans obviously and it doesn't seem like it's going to be good. The past few days it's thundering and raining making the days much cooler. I saw the news and that was one of the reasons they cancelled the shuttle launch--cloudy skies, and the fuel detector. I was listening to 950 Am and they said the day before launch, the space shuttle was falling apart. I got a letter from a buddy of mine that went the first week of June. He's doing alright. He got an apartment in Syracuse. I have to write him back and let him know that I'll be here 2 more years. It's weird that my co-worker for the afternoon tells not to empty the trash can in this room where we hang out because some days he might have something stashed there. Then today he tells me that all of a sudden when he told me not to mess with the trash can it's gone in the morning and there were 30+ stamps in there--he was indirectly blaming me and honest to God, I had nothing to do with this. He sort of believes me but there's doubt in his eyes. This is what I have to deal with on the daily basis being in Oneida Corrections Facility: false accusations, a crazed madman and the other thousand personalities. The other day I was looking out my neighbor's window and seeing outside beyond the prison gate made me depressed. It's hard to see a nice house and car across the street and I can't be there. Right now I'm watching the Yankees and Red Sox--good game. Glambi just hit a Home run and Bernie hit one also to cut the lead to two. I took a little break form writing and I'm back with good news for the Yankee fans. They won 8 to 6. A Rod hit a 2 run homer. Well, I didn't get no mail today and that damn officer didn't really mess with me too tough and I didn't even get a chance to talk to him--I'll see him tomorrow. Today I'm sending a Request for a C.D.L. manual to the D.M.V. there's some things I need to learn. There's always a need for drivers, so if I could get a C.D.L license I could make some good money, but first I must learn while I'm here. My lower back been killing me. I think I pulled it, like 2 weeks ago. Then somebody told me to do sit ups and I re-aggravated it again. I just finished doing lower back stretches. It feels a little bit better. I'm going to take a month off from working out for my own sake. I'm too young to have a bad back. Somebody might beat me up and take advantage of my disability. I can't have that. 16 July 2005It's 2:30 am. I just woke up and can't go back to sleep. I almost got into some shit today and it was too hot for it. These miserable people in the dorm unit I'm on--just won't leave me alone. They keep saying slick shit out their mouths. A few guys today brought up the incident with the kid over the Bet Awards saying, "you let him talk to you like that and didn't do nothing." I don't like things like that. I have a complex that's too complex to explain. I have this thing with reputation. I was told that to guard it with your life--reputation is everything. Everything I've been through is starting to boil up. I don't like to feel like I'm being played. Today this kid said indirectly that I was bitch. When I approached him and asked him why he'd violated me, he didn't give me the response that I wanted to hear. I should use my A.R.T Skills and remind myself that to never ask questions when you confront somebody because you might get a response you don't like. This journal project is good because as I'm writing what happened I realize that I am so stupid. I try to choke the kid out. I don't know what went through my mind. I'm so stressed and mad at myself for doing that dumb shit. It could've escalated (thank God it didn't). I probably would have gone to the box--it's hot down there. (It's like hell. There's no fan and only three meals a day.) Plus, I don't want anymore fighting tickets. I have to find another way to vent. It can't be through fighting because I can't fight for nothing. I just know how to win by any means and protect myself always. But it's like people who go out of their way to mess around with me, and that's why I hate this damn place. It was all wrong, me and the kid talked it over and he apologized for offending me. I apologized for putting my hands on him. He told me I got issues. I'm starting to believe it's very true. I just noticed this happened on a Saturday when I'm off from work around 6:30pm. That time around on the weekday I'm at work. It would've never happened â€"that's why I love to be away from these people who have nothing else to do but mess around with other people. It's early Sunday morning (3:00 am) but I'm going to make sure that later on during the day I'm not around. I'll play my cube area, write a little bit, and just relax--well at least try to. 17 July 2005It's been a hot day all day. I don't like the summer anymore--it's not cool. I'm tired, I didn't get no sleep last night. I woke up today at like two in the morning and didn't fall asleep until 4:50 am. Then I got up at around 10am. I cooked a hamburger helper meal but instead of hamburger meat I used corned beef with the elbows. I tried to cut my hair until the guard told me I couldn't cut my own hair half-way through. So now, I'm walking around with an uneven haircut. I'll fix it tomorrow morning. Yankees did I it again today. It was a good game, it's a good game every time they win. The sky is lighting up right now. We might have another thunder storm. Maybe outside could cool down. Well, it's back to work tomorrow. Back to the well welcoming air-conditioner, but also to the terror correction officer. He's anti-prisoners, but I don't cause him trouble. I'm trying to find myself the right way--I'm confused I know I have to live in life, but what's the meaning? 19 July 2005It's nice and cool where I am (infirmary), but it's hot and hazy outside. It's 6:36 pm and this officer always has something to say to me. It never fails. One of my so-called mans got mad at me over a chess game. He claims I cheated him and called me a Bird. It's all good though. I have 2 and half hours left of being on the job site. Then I'm gone, back to the dorm, watch a little of the Mets and Braves game, enjoy this cheesecake I made with the pineapple topping. I hope I got some mail. When I get mail my days end off good. I write a few letters this past weekend, hopefully they would write me back. Today is much easier than yesterday. I had to look after this guy who was having a bad reaction to a drug that was wrongfully given to him. He couldn't walk without his legs looking wobbly. I have to walk with him everywhere to make sure he doesn't fall and hurt himself. He's getting better now. Two more hours to go. I'm getting tired. I'm over here yawning and my lids are getting heavy--I need a cup of coffee. 25 July 2005It's like I'm running out of things to write, nothing is going on in my life. The damn terrorist have nothing else better to do. London is going through a bad time right now. Today someone told me the reason why the united States Army is in the Middle East Fighting is because there is a space craft over there that Sadaam has had since 1989, and it has some kind of weapon that can be used against the U.S. if given the chance. I don't know. It sounds kind of funny to me. I don't believe it, but I wouldn't put it past them. Today was a better day at work. That C.O. is not turning out that bad, but I still go tot watch him. He told the Nurse's Aide that I work with that I'm a thief and he has to watch me, that other officers told him I'm no good. And there isn't one damn thing I did wrong in this damn jail. I'm tired of being labeled. I was playing basketball this weekend: the first time in a little while. My legs are sore, my back feels better. Hopefully, I could play football this year, do some routine leg workouts, get my legs strong and have some fun. 27 July 2005Cool, rainy day. It was an alright day. I didn't have to deal with the C.O. I work with. He took a day off today. The day is much better when he's not around. It's just the little things like letting me take back ice or a few slices of bread. Being that he was hot here another officer is there to cover and he had no problem with me taking some ice and bread. It shouldn't be a big deal. It's just that he doesn't want the situation to look reasonable with inmates. I understand, I also heard through other officers speaking; that the reason he acts al anti-inmate is because he was caught in the Mohawk riot in '97 and he closed the door on his co-workers to get away from the inmates that was fighting with them. Yesterday, he caught me making pancakes in the toaster oven and I'm not supposed to have pancake mix. Only guys in the honor block are allowed to have these such items. He let me slide. I wonder why? He might have my cube frisked to look for more items. I'm trying to not get anymore tickets, so I'm getting rid of the rest of the mix I got or just put it in the stash. That stuff is hard to come by. I got mail from my buddy yesterday--who went home the first week of June. This is the second time he has written to me. His address is from around where the prison I'm in. Binghamton. I got his mail in one day--that's fast. The letter I sent him, I ask for him to find a penpal service on the internet and this letter he said he's gonna look into it and that he's going to be here for me for the next two or three years that I have to do in this hell. I hope it's true. I can use mental stability. I'm going to try and get some early sleep (I prefer rest) today. I have to wake up early tomorrow morning and cook a big meal--If I don't do it in the morning it doesn't get done cause I'm gone for the whole day at work after 12:30 pm. 28 July 2005Another cool day, thank God, we need it. My day was easy, being that I didn't have to work with the regular. No mail for me today. That's alright I'll live. Well, tomorrow doesn't look promised. I hope this CO doesn't give me a hard time about little shit that I do, like watch T.V> or doing too much work. He has to say something about everything everyday. He sucks!! I can't wait to go home. I know there are other people who act like he does and I'm ready for it. If I ever met people like him, they're going to be shocked when I don't respond negatively to their nonsense. I'm used to it already. It's like I'm going through training right now. I ate a lot today. Some curry chicken, rice with clams and octopus, and cheesecake dessert. I did that all myself this morning: it took about 2 hours. But everything came out good. I feel like I put on at least 7 pounds. I need to gain weight anyway. I'm trying to get to 180. I'm 170 now, but most of it is my upper body. I'm trying to ass about 15 pounds to my lower parts. My legs are skinny. I have to work on them. I'm going back at it August first this Monday, early in the morning my new routine. I was watching the new Bobby Brown Reality Show and him and Whitney is straight Hood--they crazy. The show is alright. I'm tired, I'm gone! 30 July 2005A well, needed the day off. It's nice outside but there is nothing to do. I can't participate in the sports events out there cause my knees are not 100 percent yet. So, I just stay in, clean up, cook something, take a shower, and try to write something down in my journal. The humidity is starting to rise again. That's alright, I always could beat the heat. I just finished watching The Forgotten and it was ok. Right now as I'm writing I got this dude that is bugging me and throwing me off my thoughts, and I don't want to be rude but I write as the talk. The fast one talks about nothing. This person is going to tell me that my physique should be better than what it si for being locked up nine years--he's right but my thing isn't always working out. I have other things to do. This guy has me kind of upset, but I can't let him see that. He's not getting a score on me--no sirree. 31 July 2005The start of a new month tomorrow and then football season starts and that's a wrap for 2005. I can't wait. It's 11 o'clock at night and I'm tired. I've been up since 9:30 this morning running around. I cooked, I watched the Yankees, which they won by the skin of their teeth. The Sgt. and some CO's came through to search the dorm, but they only flipped the lockers in the empty cubes. They didn't mess with anyone else. They had me nervous because I had this pancake syrup, and I was trying to emit it. Everything is ok though. The day was better than others. No trouble, no problems, I'm good. I ordered some headphones. I should have them in 2 weeks--I need them. 9 August 2005It's been an easy day despite someone trying to get over on me from what he owes. This damn Jersey, he make s me wait 2 weeks for $4. 36, and then I give him a list of some food to pick up for me when he goes to his store buy--there's a few things out of stock, so I ask him can he get me different item(s). Once I seen him like not making the effort to do this for me--I knew he was puling a fast one. So, now I have to wait another two weeks, it's alright thought, at least I can look forward to having some honey buns and stuff next week. I also hope that he doesn't try some dumb shit. I heard him say some stupid shit that he's not going to pay me cause he gave me an extra box of cornflakes, but he offered that for the late fee, and still doesn't amount to what he owes. I ain't going to lose myself, but he's going to give me what's rightfully mine. I see I've been slacking in my journal writings. It's been a little over a week since the last time I wrote. I've been writing some music that's probably why I've been exhausted from writing anything. But I'm back at it. 12 August 2005It's Friday, I got the next 2 days off. Hopefully, it's a nice and cool beautiful Saturday and Sunday. It's 6:30 pm. It was supposed to rain, but so far nothing has fallen from the sky. I haven't been writing to much in my journal. My problem is I'm always waiting until the end of the day to write. Well, today I'm switching up. Cause by the time I get back from work I'm tired, I take a shower, eat something and then lay down. And then when the reminder to write down what happened in my day comes to mind--I tell myself I'll write it tomorrow. I've been doing this for almost two weeks. Basically I've been lazy. Yesterday, Malik told me that this guy I cook with told him that he was missing a pack a Newports from his locker and that Ras mentioned my name out of 2 other people he's cool with. I was upset the whole day yesterday. Malik said this to me around 10 o'clock in the morning in the yard when I finished working out and for the rest of the day I was antisocial with everyone in the dorm. I understand the reason why Ras would think that I took something form him is because I'm allowed to go in his locker. But I don't like the fact that he would even think or tell someone I know that I'm one out of three suspects that could've took his Newports. That makes me look like I'm grimy, and I'm not grimy! Ras feeds me all the time. He puts the food in and I chef it. I'm thinking about puling away from Ras, and stop cooking with him. I can't pump with someone who thinks I stole something form him--I don't do those things. I just met this person--he don't know shit about me. It finally started raining. I've been waiting. It's much cooler now. The rain sometimes makes the summer more tolerable. I think I should start writing in my journal early from now on. I didn't get any mail today, it never fails. I comeback from work and ask the officer "do I have any mail?" and it's always a side to side shake of the head telling me no. I'm used to it--I think. I've been working on this song I titled "I'm Tired," I'm really expressing what I'm tired about, (ie: the state food, no visits, no mail, tired of not having a girl, I'm tired of being in this bitch everyday and night.) I got the head phones I ordered. Now I can finish the "I'm tired" song and some other material. I have to find beats in one of my tapes. I gave Malik a piece of cheesecake and while I was by his area, he wants to ask me if I'm still mad about what he told me Ras said. I told him I wasn't. I aint really thinking about it, but I'm thinking about falling back from Ras. I'm thinking of falling back period--Anti-social with these dudes. I have to stop playing around and joking so much. I can't get relaxed and forget where I'm at. I've been practicing writing with my left hand. It's getting better. Soon I should be writing my life journey with my sluth paw. Val just came by my cube to see why I'm not in the day room (they don't know me) staying to myself is my usual self. That's how you got to be in prison. Malik stopped by a while ago to see what's up and why I've been playing the cut. I tell him I'm staying away from all the bullshit. I also told him that change is good. I just can't wait to change my atmosphere and get myself away form it. I have no other choice but to wait. It's still August 12. It's 11 o'clock at night, and I can never have a good day. I just realized that I'm missing a pair of brand new sneakers from under my bed, I could've sworn the sneakers were there when I returned at 9:00 p. Now, I'm really upset. Nothing has been stolen from me in years, and now this needs to happen. Now I have to get some get back find out who took my shit--that's disrespectful. Somebody is gonna get dealt with. I'm going to have to sleep this one off. 13 Aug. 2005It's a hot Saturday and I woke up early this morning and did some investigating and what I have in store is going to make my journal more interesting--it gets better. It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon. I found out that my neighbor ghost was sent by (a guy who doesn't like me and he's a damn Blood) to take my sneakers. So, I gave the kid an ultimatum, "get my sneakers back." I told him "I don't want to do nothing to you but you're forcing my hand. He told me that he didn't want to do it because we were alright, but it was do or die for him--either the kid loses out. I feel sorry for him, but these are the repercussions when you do things and consequences when you get down with gangs--I've been there. Hopefully, the day plans out in my favor. I'm going to the main source and I'm getting my shit back or I'm gone. It's 12:30 am and today has been a long day. I got this sneak theft still living next to me but it won't be for long. I spoke to the main source, it's this nigga K.B. I had two minor arguments and two close fist fights with this dude, so I know he has something against me. I bought the sneakers form him and he sent this little dumb ass blood to take from me. He was trying to make it look like he had nothing to do with this but he reassured me that I would be getting my sneakers back Monday--so, Monday is my deadline. I made ghost give me something from his package and property until I get my kicks back. I let him keep his walkman and headphones. I feel for this dumb ass mutha fucka cause the other asshole put him up to it. Hopefully, this shit rides out in my favor. I really don't want to get my hands dirty. I want to go home. I'm tired of being in here and don't need nothing like this to hold my progress. I'll see what tomorrow holds. I didn't do anything to this person for him to make that decision, but that just shows me how grimy people are and I'm no way near that. Now I got to try and get some sleep. I don't trust this kid. He might try another stupid ass move--that's why as soon as I get my sweaks back he's gone. I don't want to put my hands on him so I'm going to give him an option--leave the easy way (tell the CO he can't live in the dorm) or leave the hard way (make him wear something.) 14 Aug. 2005It's 10:35 am. I've been up since 5:30 am and didn't go to sleep until 2;30 am. I don't trust Ghost being my neighbor. I know this because I barely got sleep last night cause of this kid. I got this thing about people who fear others--them people who fear others will likely do something to save themselves. I don't want him to be afraid of me, that's why I've been talking to him, but as of today I'm going to let him know I want nothing to do with him. Don't talk to me, don't ask me for shit. Ghost violated my space, so that's how I have to treat this situation. He's a sneak thief. I'm done with him. I'm cleaning my hands. I'll be letting him know this right after the eleven o'clock count. I'm going to write a verse about this shit. These fuckers ruined my weekend off. It's 11 o'clock at night. I've been talking to everybody in the damn yard. I didn't know all these people were concerned about my wellbeing. I had my Boy Black tell me he's waiting on my call. Malo got his man going to press K.B. with that thing--tell them to open up their lockers and see what's in it. E told me he didn't want to make it seem like I had no one to back me up. My boys Al and Randy want to pop on Ghost and K.B., but there's no need to get my hands dirty or our hands dirty; we'll let the gang bangers take care of that shit. It's under their supervision anyway. Both of them, K.B. and Ghost is damn so the head. Dude in Catarge has to do his cleanup. Dre the H.N.1.C as they say--told me he got my back and those are coming back tomorrow "My Deadline." Malo and Black were mad at me because I didn't let them know what was happening and they let me know that the people are here for me. For once since I've been incarcerated I felt safe with these good people by my side. I don't want my people to go down for some lame shit like this--it's just the principle that K.B. thought he could get away with this shit to me. I'm going to move smart. Everything is in my favor, so I'm going to use it in my advantage. Another day in my life. The drama might slow down, but when it comes back it comes back hard right at me--it never fails. I'm tired. I just want these people to leave me alone. I'm tired of being locked up. I just want to go home. 15 August 2005It's a hot 81 degrees. I worked out his morning, and spoke to a couple a guys about this kid, Ghost. I'm tired of talking about this situation--it's getting me nowhere. All I know is that when I get back from work to day at 9, I better have my Brown N.B's in the place they were under my bed. Dre talking about he want half of what I got from ghost because he's about to get rid of him, but I told him it's a no go--get your own. It's now 4:55 pm same day. I'm at work tired as hell. I didn't get any rest over the weekend. Maybe tonight I can sleep peacefully, everybody could sleep peacefully if those kicks are back. I hate to finish a big thing over $50 shoes--they need to blame themselves. K.B. in particular--he started this whole thing. It's the same day 11:45 pm. I got what I wanted. My sneakers are back. Now the main objective is â€"what's next. That's why I don't like peer pressure. Val wants me to pound on the kid. Malick believes he deserves and ass whipping. I believe the kid is not to blame. That nigga K.B. needs his ass whupped for sending that kid to steal from me and seriously I'm thinking I could stall on him and fight a quick five and that's it, what I need to think about is the consequences. This is when that 10 weeks of Aggression Replacement training comes in effect. But respect overrides a lot and image is everything--guard it with your life. Why did he choose me? Why did he think he can have that done? He think it can't happen? I'm soft? These are questions I ask myself. All I ask is--I hope I make the right decision and come off victorious. Everything is in my favor and always expect losses. I'm tired. I was falling asleep at work. This sneaker situation took a lot out of me. 16 August 2005It's 5:30, and I'm at work in the infirmary. I've been on my feet until now since 7:30 this morning. Val and I went outside this morning and worked out. I had my sneakers on-the ones that were stolen from under my bed, and he told me, "That's right, you better wear these, let these guys know what's popping. They won't get nothing easy." He had me laughing. That's my boy--he's stupid; he's down for whatever. I can't believe that they moved Tone next to me--he's weird. He has a lot of childhood problems, (as he says.) I was looking after him in the infirmary--Tone is just a PITA. (Pain In The Ass) Ghost keeps looking my way like he has something to say. I give him the raise of the eyebrows to let him know it's going to get better. I hope he learns from his mistakes as I did. I spoke to Al today, and he told me told me to give him the word (for K.B.). I told him I got that--don't worry about it--I need you out here in population with me. That's a good kid. I don't know why so many people give two cares in the world about me. Everybody wants parts in this drama. I just hope they continue to show me this love and have my back at all times, as long as I don't let them down. I'm good. It's eleven pm. I just finished laughing my head off with Val, C-high, and Malick. Them three is some funny Dudes. Val had me laughing so hard that I started to get a headache. They say laughing is the key to stress, so I should sleep good tonight. 18 August 2005It's 8:50 pm, in the infirmary at work. I just helped some guy names Winbush up a flight of steps. He's having chest pains. Hopefully everything works out for him. I just finished reading words of wisdom and some of the quotes in there--I can relate to. It reminds me that violence isn't always the key. I'ts 11:13 pm and I';m about to take it down and get some well needed rest. C-High and Malick was wrecking my ears. I'm a have to sleep it off. 19 August 2005It's 1:43 pm. I'm in the infirmary at work bored. I had a run in with K.B. This guy is pressing his luck. He told me that he heard I was looking for him with my knife. I told him, "If I was looking for you--you would have seen me." It's not like he's hard to find. He lives right under me. He wants to know why so many people got involved over a pair of sneakers, like I put these people up to this shit. Half of them people I don't even fuck with. They do what they want to. I guess he's mad that he got put out there now he wants to act stupid, alright. Somebody must've read my thoughts and told him because the only person(s) I told were my two closest (Val and Al). I probably gave Malick an idea, but I don't know them, well that's what I think. That's my problem. I get relaxed and trust people that I don't know. Well, if worst come to worst I'm poppin first. I'm tired of these people messing with me. I'm trying to play it easy but their acting like they want something. It never fail. It's always something going on with me. Last Friday it was the sneakers, now this Friday K.B. wants to get something off his chest. I take theses situations as a test of life, and I might be a little burned out. But I' smart enough o pass all that comes my way. I can feel another non-rested weekend for me. 20 August 2005I'm in the dorm in my cube. It's 8:57 pm. I just got out of the shower. I was in the yard talking to K.B. It was about to go down. There were plenty of insects flying around. It's that time of the year. The bugs are dying down; it's about to get cold. K.B. was just clearing the air. He apologized to me. I accepted. I'm trying to dead the issue and throw it out the window. I really want to go home and I'm not trying to jeopardize my chance. So it's supposed to be dead. I'm going to stick to the script, but I also got to keep the grass cut and always be ready for the unexpected. Goldie came back to the dorm yesterday from a.sat. They took my boy Val. It ain't the same with him gone, but that's part of biding. So, I was talking earlier to C-High and Malick and he heard one of them call me by my nickname "noodles." He said, "You noodles?" and I said, "Yeah. You must've heard a lot about me." And he said, "Yeah. That you scared." That shit had me burnt inside. I wanted to say something foul, but I know I ain't scared of nobody, but God, I'm just playing my hand smart. So, I played along and said, "Well, that's the way it is." I had to show he didn't. Rather his words didn't bother me. So, then Malick told him I ain't scared, that I just weighed my options out. The Goldie's says, "I know. I'm just messing with him--he did it the right way. Can't stay here forever. We got to go home." He's telling something I already know. I'm ten steps ahead of these guys. Soon, they ain't going to be able to see me. 22 August 200511:13 at night. It's been mostly a cool day today. Work was easy as always. C.O. Derigo is off on two weeks vacation. I went to the yard this morning and played ping pong and I won one out of four games. I got mail today from Audi. It's been about two months and a half or longer, but he's still there, keeping in touch. Most people that go home don't do the things that he has done for me. I've been promised everything from sneakers to food packages and money, and I didn't get anything until Audi got home. Audi sent me an official food package and he's been writing. He's a good person. I'm grateful. I wish I can get mail from my family, my sister and brother. I wonder how they are doingâ€"I hope everything is copasetic. Damn Mitch played me on the French fries and eggs he was supposed to get for me. It's alright, he's still my boy. I could wait two weeks. Tomorrow I finally get what Jer's owes me. It's been damn near a month, but it's not final until tomorrow noon. 23 August 2005Nice day today. It's cool and a little bit cloudy. It's 12:05 pm. I come back from the yard this morning and the stuff Jersey owed me was on my locker. I just told him thank you even though he had me wait 4 weeks. I hold no grudges on minor shit. 24 August 2005Damn Lockwood put me on the spot. He's trying to set me up on the real side--he's trying to get me fired from my job. He's a patient so the nurses are going to be on his side. He's an old man with a loud mouth and swears he's in charge of me. I was messing with him because of that. I would talk loud during his TV program and he doesn't like his own medicine, so he calls the officer and tells him that I said I was going to stab him and that I brought him some cigarettes to the infirmary (where it's prohibited to smoke). I didn't know he would do all that. I apologized to him but he told me to read his hand. Got this kid Trouble talking greezy, saying he's going to smash my microphone on the Rapping side. I'm going out Saturday, and I'm going to put up money on my shelf--it's easy money. That kid ain't ready. It's 11 pm. I have to take it down and I got to wake up early tomorrow for breakfast and back to the shack to exercise. 27 August 2005It's 10:13 at night. I'm tired. It's been a cool day most of the day. I had much success tonight in the yard battling Trouble with my rhymes. Majority of the crowd voted for me, I won a few stamps. The main thing is that it was fun and now I know that I'm really good. Trouble was good. The only thing that saved me was every verse I had had a punchline everyone can relate to so there were many ooh's in my favor. Frezze asked me where all of this came form. I guess it's just all bottled up. These guys are funny. They see me win a few stamps and ask me to give them a few, but if I would have lost they wouldn't have helped me pay my debts. I didn't share my winnings with anyone. 28 August 2005It's 11:26 pm, and this nigga Nine wants to act like a tough guy. I'm telling you, this guy's going to force my hand. I don't do nothing to nobody and people make it there business to try and prove something with me. I let a few things slide and these guys think I'm soft like bread. They're mistaking my freedom with fear. I'm going to wind up wilding on one of these dudes. I have patience, but they are pushing it. I don't like when people are trying to fool around with my pride and my image. I hate these dudes--they have nothing else to do with themselves. I just want to tell them to leave me alone. I'm tired of being here. I just want to go back home. Today is my older sister's birthday. I haven't heard form her in a little while. I wish I would've sent her a card, but they don't sell birthday cards here. This place sucks. I hope she had a good time. She should be about 32 years old. Nine is trying to get himself hurt along with ghost. He keep saying he's going to get ghost to take something from me again. Let him keep playing like that. He's messing with my feeling right now. I hope he doesn't do it again. I can't let everything slide in prison because these people feed off of weakness and I'm not going to be taken advantage of. 30 August 2005It's 11:07 pm. It's been raining and the rain is making the weather muggy outside. Well, I was at work with the A.C. and it was a little chilly up there. I played a little bit of chess with bolo. He pounded on my badly and he was talking dirty. I hate to lose and I let my frustration show and I smashed the queen to pieces and cut my finger in the process. That had me even more upset, so I didn't play anymore for a few hours, until I breathed it off, came back and won a few games, but I think he let me win those games. (He's trying to play me.) 2 September 2005It's Friday--Thankgod. I'm going to try and get as much rest as I can. I'm so tired right now, but I'm going to stay up and few more hours and read this Newsweek. Today was a nice day. It wasn't so hot as it usually is. It's about to start getting cold. I can't wait--I like winter. Work was easy as always. The regular, Officer Derrigo has been on a two week vacation. The lady C.O. the relieved his spot until he comes back is alright. She doesn't bother no one like most of the officers. 8 September 2005It's the beginnning of a new football season. It starts tonight at 9pm. It's about 8:45 pm. I'm still at work. It's been busy all day, it's hot, the patients we're complaining that it was too cold, so the AC was turned down. I heard Officer Derrigo tell the Nurse Administrator that it "was going to be in the 80's this week" so he asked her if she could pull some strings and get the AC turned up. I had this patient that got admitted today, and he was put in the isolation room listed as a contact. He had body lice, so me and Matos, the porter, (super porter) went in there and disinfected everything. We took everyting out and gave him new stuff. The infection control nurse stopped by and gave us some tips, so this is a pretty big problem. And then when everything gets settled down it's back to work. All I hear is, "Rosa, Rosa." Derrigo was calling me to find out where the body fluid spill kit is because some idiot decided to deficate in the staircase of my dorm. 9 September 2005It's 11:30 pm. I've been up sonce this morning (early), and I'm tired. I'm in the dorm, in my cube. Nine left the dorm today--he went to A.SAT. It's a good thing he left cause after I checked him and told him to stop playing me--he caught feelings and there was tension with him and me, but he's gone. I have other things to worry about. I hurt my neck yesterday working out on incline chest. I'm always doing something stupid to hurt myself. I know when I reach 30 arthritis is going to kill me, even though my neck is feeling a lot better today. This kid, Green Eyes, got admitted to the infirmary today with a broken nose from playing softball (a line drive). Those soft ball are as hard as the major league balls. 10 September 2005It's 9:21 pm. I'm in my cube. It's Saturday night and the dorm doesn't have no cable--something is wrong with the box, so there will be no boxing on HBO tonight. Well, tomorrow is football. I can't wait. Maybe I can get my stamps back from Trouble. Damn J Dorm let me down tonight in softball. It was a good game though, nobody got hurt, Larry had a few minor scrapes, but he played good. The Yankees lost today, too. 11 September 2005It's 11:50 pm. I'm in my cube. I'm analyzing what I did today--what I learned is that need to stop gambling even though it's petty stamps. I'm losing--the fact is that I'm not winning . I lost another 5 stamps that I don't have. I'm over betting with no money on the table. I'll hustle some stamps tomorrow (it's nothing). Trouble told me that the rappers on the east side of the jail want to battle the rappers on my side (west side) they said specifically--me, Nam, Trouble. Sunday morning a week away, I'm there. It's tie to work. I guess my vow to not rap for 50 days is out the window. 20 September 2005It's 11 am. I'm in my cube and this dude James is out of control. He's going around in the dorm picking on all the little guys. This guy is about 6' 2 Â"" and he's got some issues. Thursday he styled on me. He got loud with me telling me "if you got aproblem with me let me know." And me with my dumbass mouth I feed into it so me and him was arguing and then he wanted to fight. This guy is way taller and bigge rthan me, so that would have been suicide. I said you got it, I don't want no problems. I'm glad that gojng home is onmy mind and I don't want to end up doing anything stupid, something I would do when I was younger, cause then I would be kept in prison until I'm 40. I'm not trying to do that. I'm tired of this, tired f getting rid of one problem and another thing happens; it never fails. I really contemplated on swing on him but I thought aver the consequences an it's not worht it. He's starting trouble, maybe next time it will be with the wrong person. Saturday night there was about 30 plus people watching the movie Resident Evil 2 and the dorm windows are lined up with the dorm across from us and some guys were fighting and when the officer responded to the red dot they had this one kid cuffed in the cornerbeatimg him for no reason--it was ugly. They had to take the kid out on a stretcher. Sunday morning I went outside for the Eastside Westside Rapper gathering, and we were rhyming, but it was so packed tha the officers had to break it up. 21 September 2005It's 11:30 pm. It's been an alright day. It was hot. The sun was out and there was no trouble. C-High is going to Midstate Annex. That's a good dude, so now it's just me and Malik. We're going to have to work something out on the cooking tip. The infirmary officer put Shoemaker back in the Isolation Room. That poor old manis going to die in there. He is about 68 and they keep him locked in that room all day with no outdoor Rec. Yankees won today and took Â" a game lead over the Bosox for the #1 A.L East spot. 24 September 2005C-High left on the draft to another facility. A minimum. He should be going home soon. There was a law passed out for his kind of crime (drug charges that don't need life on the end.) It was a nice day. I worked out with Val. I haven't seen him in a over a week, and haven't worked out with him in over 3 weeks. 25 September 2005It's midnight. I had a surprise visit by my younger brother today. He's not my little brother anymore. He has me by 3 inches. But I was happy to see him. It's been at least 3 years. His school is close by. He's at Hamilton College, and he told me he looked me up and found out that I was 45 minutes away. He's going to be up here for 4 years. He told me he loves college. It's a beautiful experience. I'm proud of him. I found out that my sister Tiffany is locked up for attempted murder, and she'll be staying in custody until she's 21 years old. (She's only 15.) Alfie told me Freddy tried to take Arleina to Michigan but he sent her back because she was too much. Today was a good day. 1 October 2005I'm in the Box (Special Housing Unit) for a fight. I got a broken nose, two black eyes, two swollen lips, and a headache, and the fight took place on the 29th of September. I didn't even get a chance to fight. I was on the floor with a bloody nose before I knew it. It happened 7:30 am. This kid S came to me and accused me of bringing him in the mix with some weapons that were found in the dorm we we're in. (We both work in the infirmary, so automatically our cube areas get searched for anything else--nothing is found. Now he thinks I had something to do with sending the officers to him--but I didn't.) This happened on Sept. 28. So now there's a coincidence. Last year I tore an ACL and I was given a knee brace. So, now the Sgt. Thinks it's my weapons. (The weapons were stashed in the back area of the dorm where me and S live, but mainly closer to me.) Sgt. (I forget his name) tells me to quit my job as a Nurse's Aide because he can't pin on neither of us, but it's too much of a coincidence with me, and I've been charged with a weapon before which was a piece of a broken mirror. He asks me what I did with the knee brace. I tell him that I gave it back to the doctor, last November. So, he threatens me--tells me I have 30 days to reprogram and change my job or he'll get me out of there the way he knows how. The same day my cube gets frisked. Nothing is found. My radio and watch get confiscated because it's broken. S' cube is frisked, too. (I don't know what they found but I doubt anything was.) So the next day, Sept. 29, in the morning he steps to me and says, "You could of at least said thank you for holding that down." (as to say he didn't "tell on me") So, I tell him those weapons weren't mine--I have nothing to do with that. So we have a verbal confrontation. He hits me; I go down, and next thing I know I have a broken nose. And I 'm in the Box for fighting, and the Administration thinks it's because it was either his or my weapons. Neither of us are to blame. 2 October 2005Today's my only niece's birthday. She's 18. I haven't herd from her in a long time. I don't get a chance to send a card. I should write her though. Well, just another day in the SHU. It was nice outside today. I couldn't be out there. I did some push ups, and tried to read this book, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. I fed the spiders some insects. I wrote my grievance. I'm planning on putting some suit for this broken nose. The CO was no where around. I had to go to him, and the false accusations the CO's and Sgt. started. This Box is not what's happening--It's whack. I missed the last Bosox / Yankee games and I'm starving, and it's only about 9:20 pm. I forgot the zipcode to the Alternatives Library and being that I'm in the Box they have all my property with the envelopes and addresses. Now I have to wait until I get some mail from the Alternatives Library Program. 4 October 2005It's around 9:25 pm. It's been a hot day in the cell today. I went to the medical department to get X-rays on my chest that might mean I'm going to the hospital soon from my broken nose. I also went to the tier hearing today and got 30 days in the Box. I won't be out until Oct. 29. I was found guilty of fighting and violent conduct. The old man CO didn't let me take my shower yesterday because I had some food stashed for later when I get hungry, and he also didn't let me get books or magazines form the libray today. I wish I could put him in a cell for one day and do the things he does to others and see if he likes it. That damn Lord of the Rings is kind of hard to get into. I can't get rapped into it. I'm not feeling what's going on. I'm so bored I'm trying to catch bugs to feed the spiders. I wrote my sisters yesterday and I got mail from Alfie. I wrote him back; he asked for that song "Who's that Girl." I gave it to him. Hopefully, he can do something with it. 5 October 2005Today was another hot day. I got a free trip down to upstate University where the doctor tried to pop my nose back into place, and he wasn't successful. I had to tell him to stop please. It was hurting too bad. He gave me medicine to numb my nose but I could still feel when he was trying to snap my nose back into place. Now my nose is running like I have a cold. I'm blowing it every minute. Syracuse looks nice. It looks clean. Hopefully someday I can live out there. Seeing all the people do good is a good thing but it stresses me out because that's what I'm supposed to be doing, not in this damn jail in a cell. I hate it. I had a good trip though. A few hours out of the cell. I couldn't beat that. Plus, I came back ate dinner, CO Spinner let me take a shower (he knows me from working in the infirmary, so it was no problem.) I got to use my shampoo and soap. Now I'm good to go until tomorrow. I saw nurse Trexter today. She didn't have much to say being that she hired me for the Nurse's Aide job and here I am in the box for fighting--really getting y ass whipped. She's cool though. I got a letter from law library requesting that I send more information on what kind of lawsuit I'm talking about, like seeking what relief. I'm going to let them know what kind of relief. I'm not letting this one get away--hey everybody else is doing it. 7 October 2005Another Friday in this damn Box. I have no idea what's going on with the Yankees. Anyway, today wasn't as long as it was a few days ago, although it's been raining since this afternoon. I saw the grievance guy and I just realized that he made me politely drop my grievance, now I have to write another one. I got the paperwork for the intent to file a claim for my broken nose. I hope it works. I can't believe I read a book in 2 days, a 432 paper. I'm used to reading magazines and newspapers, but this book was good. It's the first time I read a book from the author, Rubin Cook, Toxin. It opened my eyes to what's really going on with what the beef industry is producing. I really think it's suspect that's why I'm trying to back off from eating it. It's a scary thing. It should be almost eleven o'clock at night. I'm waiting for the officer to shut the cell lights off so I can try and get some sleep because my rest at night has been very minimum. 8 October 2005It's Saturday. It's raining and cold outside. I'm in this cell going crazy--talking to myself and I'm starving. It's probably almost 8pm, and I have at least 12 hours until breakfast. Today was a personal book exchange and every book in my box was that hard to get into Lord of the Rings. It's like the CO put all the books that I don't hardly read into the box, and he put 3 dictionaries in there, 2 magazines, that the officer today (the grumpy old man) wouldn't let me exchange. This jail is really really whack--I hate it. 9 October 2005It's probably 10:30 pm. I have no idea. I just finished writing my grievance out. I'm waiting for the lights to go out, always waiting at the same time everyday. Nothing much happened today--I read a book. They turned the heater on. I needed that because yesterday was cold. I have 20 days left. (It's going by too slow.) 11 October 2005Well, my 18 days left should go by fast now that the officers in the Box needed a porter. So now I'm out of my cell to do the feed up from 7 in the morning, lock in before 3 pm, then come back out around a quarter to 4 pm and stay out until 7 pm. That's fine with me. I get to eat all I want, and do what needs to be done, and my time is gone. I could take a shower every night--it's good. Today was an alright day. The damn Yankees lost. I took advantage of washing my clothes with the open washers. I seen S when I was taking the garbage out. He was in the cages. He didn't look my way, but I could hear him talking about me. I jeopardized my porter job--I gave Burns some extra corn bread--he was starving. I know how he feels. If I get caught that's the end of it and then I'll be stuck in the cell with nothing. So there's no more looking out with taking chances. I got to think for me this time around. 12 October 2005I'm in the cell. It's raining outside--it's been like that most of the day. As I was doing the serving of the food I noticed how the pizza the mess hall sends us was old like from the last time they had pizza and didn't want it to go to waste, so they store it in the freezer and re-heat it and give it to the people that's in the box and they do the same thing to the guys in the infirmary--I've seen. I used to work up there, and now I realize how much I miss working up there. It was one of the better jobs in the jail and I let this guy mess up my whole program. And I can't go back the Sgt. threatened me. He said either I change my program or face the consequences. I guess he got what he wanted. I got my disbursement for the $12 for the F.H.M subscription. Hopefully, they'll just take 4 weeks instead of six for the first magazine. This Sudden Prey by John Sandford started ok. It's starting to get interesting. Damn, this is the most I ever read books, ever!! That's what happens when you got nothing else to do in the SHU. I did some push ups today. My body is sore from taking Indio's 9 bags of property down to van yesterday with no help. The officers found some tobacco, some coffee, and doo rags under the washers (you cn't have none of this in a Special Housing Unit), and he asked me if it was mine. I told him I know nothing about it. It's like I got some kind of jinx and get blamed for things I never have something to do with. Then the CO asked me if I want the instant coffee before he threw it in the trash. I said no thanks, "I don't really drink coffee like that." 14 October 2005It's "I have no idea what time it is." I'm in the cell. I'm reading Sudden Pray. It's good. I know these officers are taking advantage of me with this porter cleanup spot. He has me doing everything and I'm not getting paid--only think is that I'm not always in that hot cell, but it's like modern day slavery. Well, today was the usual--I did the laundry, the feed ups, read a few mag's and the New York post, listened to some music and nothing much other than that. 16 October 200513 more days to go and I'm out. It's about 15 minutes to 10 pm. I'm in my cell. My day went kinda fast. The Giants and Jets lost--that sucks!! But other than that, I ate good today. Some chicken and rice, pancakes in the morning. Today the officer Really got on my nerves. The officer was using the microwave and made a mess and made me clean it. How modern day slavery is that? This guy is taking advantage crazy. I don't understand how you can make a mess like that. I mean I serve food for twenty people and I don't make a mess as much as he did. I think it was done on purpose. 17 October 2005Another day and eleven more to go. No rain today. The sun came out a little later than usual. But other than that, this day couldn't be better. I mean regular officers have their days off and reliefs are ok COs, and I snuck around ad got some chips and cake from Romeo. He's I.P.C. so he can have food in his cell, but he looked out it's only right. We don't have anything up here. 20 October 2005The officer had me working today, both shifts. But the days are going fast--I have nine days and I'm out of this damn Box. I saw Sgt. Sasone and he told me "I keep my word. You were only going to get 30 days." He was right, but I knew that's what I was going to get and that's bad. I didn't do anything, but get hurt by another, and was disciplined for it. I got a free bus ticket today and got nobody to send it to, I know my sister's not going to come. She's always late and the bus is always gone when she gets there. 21 October 2005Today I'm to train this guy to be the new feed up/ porter because I'm next to leave and it could be before next week Saturday--that's good. I got my grievance back and it was denied. I have to put the appeal in. I have 4 business days. It was a nice day. The sun was shining brightly, but now it's about 9:45 pm and it's starting to get chilly and the radiator is not on. 23 October 2005I'm in this damned cell--but it doesn't matter, I was running around doing nothing most of the day...listened to the Giants game and the broadcasting went off the air so I had to catch the final scores on the Buffalo network, and the Giants won by one point--that's good. 5 days left--I could be leaving any day now, they might need the space sooner than Saturday. I'm getting butterflies. I'm thinking about what's going to happen now, and how are people going to act towards me. I hope everything goes as planned. 27 October 2005I'm one day away. Today was a very stressful day. I got--I think an ingrown hair right at the tip, inside my nose, and it's driving me crazy, and to make matters worse I have the sniffles, so every time I blow my nose the pain is killing me. I just took some Motrin. It feels like it's itching. Yesterday, the mental health doctor stopped by and asked if I was ok. He told me it's routine to check up on the people that are in the Box for 30 days or more. I was talking to the guy who is going to enter the porter spot when I leave "D". He told me how the Bloods punched him in the face, like three of them, and he's in the Box for fighting, and he wasn't. He told me he's a Crip. I told him that gang stuff is crazy. 2 November 2005Well, I've been out of the Box since Friday and the Officer's destroyed mostly all of my property, but other than that I'm alright. I saw S, he's walking around like everything's cool. I got a letter from Audi Monday. His wife had a miscarriage at 6 Â" months--that's sad. I've been cooking with Lou. He's alright, a little too serious sometimes. They got me in this double bunk with no room in the cube--I hate it. The officer's told me I have to wait two more weeks before I could go to the store to buy some food. I got this ingrown hair in my nose. It has my left nostril swollen and it's very painful. I got to go to sick call. I watched the Giants hand 36 to 0 victory over the Red Skins. 7 November 2005A very windy day. I played some paddle ball and lost both games. I even threw out my shoulder. Today was an ok day. I watched the Super Bowl champs get smashed by the Colts and I lost 3 stamps messing with the Patriots. Me and KC was chilling yesterday and today--we went up twice an now I'm tired. It's about 12:30 am. I'm glad I have no program in the morning. I worked out today--a little bit at least, cooked a good meal, and then waited for the game. KC is bugged out, but he's alright. CB tried to hustle me today. He tried to short-change me from a magazine, but he's supposed to have mine tomorrow. 9 November 2005It's a cold raining day, and the showers are cold. It's been like that since I've been in this dorm. It's 9:00 pm. I'm in the cube with an empty bunk bed--KC got a single cube today, and I'm number 5 on the list. Yesterday I played flag football--The first time since '03. I tackled somebody by mistake. I was going for the flag, but I grabbed him by the waist, and took him down when I slipped. Tomorrow there's another game. Hopefully I could get some burn. I was getting rid of the junk I had with my property. I gave trouble a blanket and a robe, and some other stuff that was taking up space--I got rid of almost all my mail But I kept some addresses. I might forget down the line. I worked out today. I did some shoulders with KC and JR. My shoulder has been killing me for the last few days. I got to build up strength. 15 November 2005It's 11:15 pm. I'm in the dorm on the top bunk with the view of the whole area. My bunky is an old timer from Buffalo--he's 54 years old. He told me he used to be a pimp and that he's getting sick of women, and I told him "How's that possible, how can you be tired of women?" I guess he's had his share. I told him it's a blessing to make it to 54--I hope I get there. I did a leg exercise with KC, JR, and Sun God. My legs are getting strong, but my leg that had ACL Reconstruction is starting to feel like every time I was squatting my knee was clicking that's not good. I should go get it checked out. I've been stressing for the last 2 months since the fight I was involved in--I haven't been the same. My pride is really getting me, I seen the kid mere than several time already. I've thinking about revenge. It's been a little over the two weeks since I've been out of the Box, and vengeance is still on my mind. It's bothering m to see this guy walking around the compound like nothing happened. I don't want to do nothing, but then I do--this guy injured me very badly and I now I want to so the same but the consequences are not good. That's what's holding me back. Someone told me today that the kid that I had a fight with got married to a homosexual with breast--the guys are crazy. They come in here mess with these disease-infested freaks and go home and pass that virus to the female out there--they ruin everything. I went to commissary today and racked up. I had no food, but now I got a little something to hold me down until I go to the mess hall. I dropped a slip to program committee for a job in the mess hall. I miss my job in the infirmary it was nice place to work at. It was easy work. That kid messed up my whole program. 16 November 2005It's a cold and rainy days. It's 11 o'clock at night. I'm on the top bunk once again. The new is almost here. I'm glad. I have to be aware of who I associate myself with. It's like I'm a gullible person. I have a habit of getting along with people too fast and in prison--prison is the wrong place to do that. It's just like the guy who put this scar on my face. Me and him we're cool. Well, that's what I thought, and the next thing I know he cuts me over some gang related issues; I was a Blood and he was a Crip, but everything was all good from the beginning. I learned that I can't trust these guys. I don't know who they are. I know nothing about them. I'm no one to these people. They don't care about or whatever happens to me. Not everyone I met is like this, but truthfully only time will tell. My boy Malik is a good person. He's like an older me. He saved me when I was down on the floor and that kid was kicking me during that fight I was in--Malik hit the kid to get him off of me. And there was other guys, well just one person who hates my guts for whatever reason--was angry because Malik jumped in--he wanted to get me killed that's what that was about. Me and the dude had an argument over something petty and I guess he was holding a grudge. I really have to fall back from making conversation with these guys. That's the way to eliminate friendships with people I barely know. KC, my old bunky, he's alright but he did something today that made me realize what kind of person he is. I was cooking some pancakes and eggs with Lou who gave me the eggs to cook, and KC wanted to eat, but had no ingredients that I was working with and got emotional and threw a favor he did for me in my face. He had asked me to make some tuna sandwiches and this is before I went to commissary, so I had no tuna and he put an extra can up and brought that issue up today. I didn't get mad at him--that's who he is, but it was a low blow. 18 November 2005It's 2 in the morning. I finally got a single cube, no more top bunk, but if I get that job in the mess hall I would have to relocate to the mess hall dorm, and back into double bunk, but while I'm here, I'm going to enjoy it. I'm listening to the 950 am coast to coast. I'm tired and my body is sore form my week back to working out. I'm glad that Sat. and Sun. are my days off. I'm going to try to sleep most of that time. I don't know if it's me, but I noticed that ever since that fight and almost half of the compound heard that I got beat--it feels like everyone is acting funny towards me. I got people lying to me, talking sarcastically. Maybe it's just me. I can't wait to go and leave this damn place and live a normal life. I want to go to school for culinary arts and become a certified chef. I like to cook. It's fun, and it tastes good, too. When I max out from parole, I would like to visit Canada, maybe even live out there or Boston. I've seen pictures of both places, and both places look nice and clean. I want to visit places that's real country, like Kentucky or Kansas. It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. When I think of these places I see roads that go on for miles and you need a car to go to the store. I can smell the fresh air, and I would like to taste the food that they prepare out there, too. I bet it's good, and different from the meals I eat over here. It's rice everyday. Rice and beans, rice and fish, rice and meat, rice, rice ,rice. It's either that or pasta. 20 November 2005It's been a long boring weekend. I tried to get as much rest as I possibly can, but it didn't work out. It never does. I was reminiscing about the time I was put in a foster home for cutting school classes. B.C.W. rolled up in a car; I was in front of my building, and they just snatched me up. I was scared to death. I had been put in a foster home twice. I think someone called B.C.W. on my mom because she was selling drugs o put food on the table--I guess food stamps weren't enough. I remember the first foster home was in the north part of the Bronx. I was probably eleven years old and the apartment was filled with several foster children. I was the only one from my family there. My sisters were living with some other foster parents. The second time they sent me, my sister and brother to Queens--the first time I had ever been to Queens. They put me in school. I remember being in a class and the teacher had the class taking Chinese as a second language. Queens was nice, but I really missed my mom. I remember when I used to get visits, she would give a roll of quarters just to call her everyday. I was in the foster home for Christmas but that didn't stop mom form bringing us lots of presents. My foster parents would ask me after the visit from my moms, "Where does your mother get the money from to buy all those toys for you guys?" I really didn't find out until later that my mom was hustling to buy stuff for us. She always made sure her kids were fed, clothed, and had whatever we needed. I miss her so much. 14 December 2005It's 1:00 in the morning. My 26th birthday was two days ago--my tenth one in prison. My brother was supposed to visit me this past weekend, but he was a no-show. I hope everything is ok. I remember a gift that my older sister gave me the last time I celebrated a birthday as a free man--the only thing is that I was a 14 year old boy. She gave me a nice jean suit. I have a picture with me and my dog, and I have the shirt on. It was one of my favorite shirts. I didn't get one birthday card this year--that's a first. I'm on my own for now on; I have to come up with a plan. I've been out of the Box for over 30 days, and still have no job. The guy I had a fight with is already working as a porter in the library, and I'm broke with no source of income. I had 4 cents on my commissary sheet yesterday. I need a job bad. I've been stressed lately. These holidays always do it to me, and being that my birthday is right in between all of them it makes it not much easier. My favorite holiday is turkey day--Thanksgiving. That's a time for family and for the last ten years (ten years, I can't even believe that when I re-read it.) I've been eating prison best put together meals with people I hardly know. I miss eating real turkey in my grandma's house. She gets busy when it comes to cooking. (Everybody's grandma gets busy when it comes to cooking.) But my Grandma's turkey and ground beef stuffing is scrumptious. (Damn how I miss those days.) 2008 should be my year. I know when I go back to the parole board in 2007 they're not going to release me, so my projected date is 2008 September. I can't wait. I just have no other choice but to. I haven't been writing in my journal, every time I remind myself to write something--I brush it off. But I really do enjoy writing in a journal. I make sure I put everything that has happened during my day in this Journal. Well, I try. 19 December 2005Everyday there's something new. It's either my last light bulb blew out, I got mail from a childhood friend I haven't heard from in almost 10 yeaers, and my boy GEE that's in the dorm with my keeps disrespecting me and being that I have a complex to where I keep thinking everyone is testing my patience--you know, if you my so-called friend--you're niot going to call me a bitch in front of everyone while we're playing basket ball over a basket ball game. (It's not that serious) I told him, "Keep disrespecting me, if it makes you feel any better to keep calling me a bitch in front of everybody" trying to himiliate me. This person is not my friend. I still believe that these people do these things becauseI lost my previous fight pretty badly. I'm getting tired of this, like I always say--I don't bother nobody. I do my own thing, but I feel that I'm going to wind up doing something to somebody, and I don't want to harm anyone, especially a person that is alright with me. So being that GEE is still alright with me and I knowing that he is really not all there I'm going to let this one slide and I'm fallling back from him. I really don't need him at all. This past week he put me on the phone with his brother who is an aspiring priducer and beat maker, and I let him hear one of my lyrics over the phone, and he can put me on the speaker phone and he told me that I'm really good, and to have GEE call back next week, so he can play a musical instrument and record my rhyme for an upcoming CD. He wants to put out. Well, I guess there goes my chance for someone to hear me out. It's good to hear from a childhood friend, but for them to take 9 years to write me is ridiculous. In th eletter he puts that "There is lots to talk about." He's damn right. I'm going to write to him and hopefully he'll write back--and maybe he's doing good and can probably help me out. I was talking to KC today and telling about some things that happened when I was younger. Like the time my step father used to have guns in the house and how I used to take them and cut school. How the time my step father took me with him to rob some guy that was selling cocaine from his apartment and when we went to get away--we we're in a taxi cab and the taxi cab gave us to the police. It was crazy back then. Ther'es more bad memeories that there are good ones. I remember the time my step father was in prisona nd my mother took me to visit him and now I'm in here and my mom is with God, and can't visit me. My birthaday passed and I didn't get a cord frommy so-called family. It's alright. I don't blame them for the struggles. I haven't heard from my brother. I hope eveything is ok. Hey at least I got a greeting holiday postcard from the good hearted people--the volunteers of Prisoner Express. Thank you very much--it's well appreciated!!! 21 December 2005The first day of winter and the weather for this weekend might be in the low 40's. I read the USA Today today and there was a story in there about a grandfather that gave his grandson four notebooks that he documented on a good man--it's something like a journal he kept--he has his ups and downs and how he kept 50 cents in his pockets and sacrificed what he had for his family. Maybe one day my grandson can see how my life was and how I would eventually change into the man I'm supposed to be. I hope I can start my own family some day. That'll be a beautiful thing. 24 December 2005In my cube. I just woke up. It's 11:15 in the morning. Christmas is the worst holiday to go through in jail--besides Thanksgiving. Can't even tell someone Merry Christmas because they'd reply "Ain't nothing merry about Christmas in jail." I can dig it. Well, now the next big thing is to bring in the new year, get 2005 over with and start another year in the system. 27 December 2005I was just reading the New York Post and there's a report about a convicted rapist that did 11 years before being release in June--Stabbed a 22 year-old woman and her father and then sliced his wrist in an attempt to kill himself. The girl died. The father and the stabber are in stable condition. When I see this stuff in the paper, I realize that these parolees are not making it any easier for guys that are going to go home and be on parole. Every person that comes home is going to look at, at how this person was. As they say, "we do it to ourselves," and these sickos and weirdos ruin it for someone who wants to change and doesn't want to be looked at as someone who is labeled something I'm not because I did something so stupid and ended up in jail fro a long period of time in my short life thus far. I can't wait for the New Year to get here. The saddest thing about New Years is that damn theme music the shows play right when the ball lights up. My mom used to cry all the time when that music comes on, but hse was crying because all the things she went through in that particular year, and then there's the happy tears for being alives another grateful year and then the 'I don't know what to expect' tears because we have no idea to what the future has in store for us. But knowing that my mother used to cry during that time--always puts a knot in my throat. I can't cry in frony of these guys--there's no crying in prison. (Like Tom Hanks--there's no crying in base ball.) I haven't cried in a while. I think that's what I need to feel a little bit relieved. I did something stupid today. I was bench pressing with the 85 pound dumbells when I did something a dummy will do and dropped the weight. I didn't see my workout partner KC was so close and the weight banged his toe. He was bleedingm but it wasn't that bad. It ws just th e pressure but his nail. It was painful. It ws plain to see. 3 January 2006Finally, 2006 is here. That's good cause next year June; I go back to parole and hopefully I'll be let free. New Year's Eve--I was stressed. These ten years is hurting me and prison is a place where hurt starts. Prison is a place where you write letters and cannot think of anything to say. Where you gradually write fewer and fewer letters and finally stop writitng altogether. Prison is aplce where hope springs eternal, where each parole baord appearance means a chance to get out. Even if the odds are against you. Prison is a place where you find gray hairs on your head (and I just found my first one New Years Day.) or where you find your own hair starting to disappear. It's a place where you get false teeth, stronger glasses, and aches and pains that you never felt before. It's aplce where you grow old and worry about it. Prison is a place where you hate with clenched teeth, where you want to beat, kick, and scratch, and you wonder if the psychololgists know what they are talking about when they say you actually hate yourself. Prison is a place where you learn tht nobody needs you. Tha the outside world goes on without you. Prison is a place where you can go for years without feeling the touch of a human hand, where you can go for months without hearing kind word. It is a place where your friendships are shallow and you know it. Prison is place where you hear of a friends divorce and you didn't know he was married. It is place where you hear about your neighbors kids graduating form high school and you thought they had not started yet. Prison is a place where oyu feel sorry for yourslef. Then you get disgusted and then you try to mentally change the subject. Prison is a place where you know which guys will go straight and which onw will not. You are wrong just as often as the board members are, but you never admit it and neither do they. Priosn is a place where you wait for a promised visit. When it does not come, you are worried about a car accident. Then you find out the reason your visitors didn't come. You are glad becaue everyting is ok and disappointed because such a little thing could keep them from coming to see oyu. Prison is a place wher eoyu forget the sound of a baby's cry, you forget the sound of adog's bark,or even the sound of the dial tone on a telephone. Prison is a place where a letter form home or your lawyer can be like a letter from the war deparment. Whne you see it laying on your bed, you're afraid to open it, but you do it anyway amd you usually end up disappointed or angry. Priosn is a place where you see men you do not admire but wonder if oyu are like them. It is a place where you learn that absence does not make the heart grow fonder. And where you stop blaming your girl wanting to live with a real man instead of a fading memory of one. Priosn is place where you go to bed before you are tired, where you pull the blanket over your head when you are not cold. It's a place where you escape by reding, writing, by playing cards or by going mad. Priosn is a place place where you fool yourself, where you promise yourself you will have a better life when you leave. Sometimes you do, but more often you do not. Priosn is a place where you got out some day. Where you wonder how everyone can be so calm when you are so excited. Where your bus driver does 25 miles an hour and you want to tell them to slow down, but you do not because you know it's foolish to do so. Prison is place where I don't need to be. 7 January 2006He hasn't been as cold lately. I remember when I was in Franklin, Malone, New York--That's damn near Canada. It's so cold up there that my nose hairs and eye lashes used to freeze up. Inthis first week of the year--a lot has happened. One guy chased this other kid around the dorm with can, swinging it in a net bag over something very foolish. The crazy thing about it is that they we're from the same gang. It's always the onse closest to you. I'm glad I'm not part of a gang anymore. There's no kind of benefits in it whatsoever. There's just trouble that comes along. Them gangs always flip on each other. I was trying to school this kid I know. Trying to make him understand from my mistakes, but he's hard headed, so he'll learn the hard way like I did, but that's not the best way. He's in too deep. I remember my first year in Coxsackie, first time upstate, 1996. I'm sixteen years of age. I meet this kid from around my way and he tried to start his own gang and because I knew him I joined. It diodn't work out. There was only five of us and had some issues with a latino gang called Neta's, and we kind of got wiped out. Me and this kid moved on one, and after that I fell back because it was about nothing . Then a few years down the line I met this kid (Yaz) and he was Blood. He was a good dude, amd I wanted to be like this dude. He ahd respect and the Blood thing seemed like the right move. Boy was I wrong--It's not for me at all. To become a Blood I didn't cut no one. I just had to beat this kid up for beating up a member's friend that was doing some legal work pn a criminal case in the law library. But the guy who had stats was not feeling that that was enough to become a Blood , but I still got the lessons and was on my way to even more B-S. 8 January 2006It's Sunday. It's eleven o'clock at night, and I'min a new dorm. This guy I know got me pulled over this morning. So far I'm not feeling the vibe in the dorm. I should have stayed in the last dorm, but Randy wants to chill so we can write some lyrics together. He knows some guys in rhe music industry and he goes home this year May, so maybe he might hold me a spot--at least that's what I'm being told. A lot of people tha thear me rhyme, tell me I have a talent--I could see it. The only thing is, everybody is a rapper now a days. It's hard to get in there. I'm going to keep writitng. I might be able to sell my songs to already established artists. Only time can tell what would happen. 18-19 January 2006It's 12 midnght. I can't get any sleep. It's been ,like this for the longest, even after some sintense workouts--I still can only sleep for a few hours. I never can sleep at least six hours straight. At this present moment--I'm thinking about what to write. Fro the last few weeks I haven't been writing anything. It's like I have been lazy to pick up the pen and pad, all I've been doing is working, eating and trying to get some much needed rest. I've noticed that I'm starting to stay in the TV room a lot longer. I'm not reading books like I used to. All I'm worried aobut is the sports and shows such as The Sheild and 24 on TV. I was thinking today--about letting my hair grow back to see if I can get it to look alright with braids like how I once did. I cut it off about 3 years ago. I was preparing for the parole board, and I didn't want to present myself with braids on my head cause then the commisssiners might get the wrong impression and probably label me a hoodlum; it doesn't mattter now--they stilll gave 24 months to do and I had a fresh haircut and line up looking lie a Spanish Orlando Bloom. (Ha Ha) Looks don't matter, a good record--doesn't matter. All that matters is that you do 85% of your time, and most likely that's what I might be doing. I go back nexy year June, and my CR is Sept. 8, and that will be 12 years of my life and in their eyes that'll b 85 percent of the time done. I feel it's wrong thing to do to a first timer, and they feel examples must be set. What can I do? What have I done is the question? Amd from my understanding--I haven't done a damn thing but get in trouble, get my GED, get in trouble, get a trade, get in trouble. It's like a learned something but didn't learn anything. Probably how to survive and not even let that cause as rough as it's between for these couple of my past years. The state feeds me, gives me clothes--I got two TV sets in the dorms, a microwave, a toaster oven. When I do buy a little bit of instant cook food from commissary I have to cook it in the microwave. I forgot how to cook on the stove it's been so long with this microwave. I'm not comfortable. I hate it here and that's how I want to keep it. I always want to remind myself of what I've been through and not ever come back and be the old-timers who have 3 or 4 state terms in. Not Me!! 22 January 2006It's 11:30 in the morning and the sun is shining--looks nice outside. I's probably 35 degrees. It hasn't been a bad winter so far. But after february (which is almost here) might be a hot summer. Yesterday, I was speaking to someone about being paroled to an approved address and how the person that commits the crime has to go back to the same county where the crime was committed. And I realized that I don't want to go back to the same county. I don't want to live on the Bronx anymore. But being that I have no approved address to parole to--I would have to go to the shelter in that county and then put a transfer in, but this person I was talking to told me that the only time you have to go back to the ocunty is when you go to a shelter, and if you have someone that willing to take you in, and the county their in approves it. Then it's a go. I was speaking to my brother who goes to Hamilton College and he explained to me how, the apartments and houses are very affordable to rent, but I need someone to have the house under their name because I can't just live in a house by myself. Parole wants someone there. Well, I have 2 full years to figure this out. But still my first plan is to try to enter a rehabilitation program for the assistance in a finding a job and a place to live--that should work. I hate when person writes me and gives me a phone number to call them and the phone has a block by the company. I hate when I'm trying to take a nap and my neighbors seem to make noise on purpose. I hate the night light that's over my cube when the dorm lights go out--they might as well keep the dorm lights on that night light is so bright. I hate when a person is doing good and he tries to belittle me because he thinks he's better than everyone else or because he has something you don't. I have a lot of hate built up and I'm starting to get miserable because I have nothing going for myself. 23 January 2006My sister Jennifer's birthday is 2 days away. She'll be 22 years old. The years went by so fast. I have a picture of us wheni was probably about 4 years old and she was born. I was holding her and the smile on my face was a, "I'm happy to be a big brother." Since our mom passed, she went her own way. I wish the best for her. I've been a terrible older brother--I was never there for her. I was too busy running around in the street, smoking all the weed I could, coming home acting a fool, then went to prison when she started going to school where girls start messing with boys (High school). I wasn't there to talk to her, I wsn't ther eperiod. I don't even know who she is. I don't even know my family and they don't know who I am. They might have an idea--maybe what I like to eat, but other than that they have no idea what I had been through when I was younger. I tried to explain, but I didn't get a response. They probably got me lableled in the family photo album as a Fxxx up. I wish I could do it over. From the very first time I cut class from school. That's when everything happened. (Elemenatery school--in the 6th grade, PS 27) I still graduated but I didn't go to the prom. My mom was happy when I graduated. Buy the cutting class from school got worse. That's when me,my brothers and my sisters were put in foster homes because of my stupid decisions. I wish I could do it over, and not have put my family through so much distress. I am a Fxxx up. I don't blame them. 25 January 2006It's 11:20 pm. I'm in my cube--I should be relocating tomorrow morning. I asked Officer Alfred for a cube that'll be oopen and away from the noisey neighbors I have now, (Thank God) and the other cube doesn't have the bright night light over it. I might be able ot get six hours sleep. I'm really havng trouble sleeping--it's been happening since that fight in September. I heard on the radio that , the less sleep you get--your brain cells that do help you sleep will burn out. I think that's what happened to me already ot itmight be the stress. I wish I knew a way noto stress. It's hard to stay happy in this place because one moment you would be ok, and the next someone'll come by and ruin it. And in jail, dudes like to get peopple mad, purposefully. It must make them feel good. That's the only reason why I see them doing it. 28 January 2006It's 10 in the morning. It's somewhat sunny outside. I'm in my cube--I think I'm coming on with a cold. I woke up this morning with my voice kinda scratchy. I'm not trying to get sick. I hate getting sick in prison--it's not a good feeling. Then when I go to sick call--all they do is give us Advil for everything. And I can't go to the gym to day to run and sweat by playing some ball because the gym is shut down for a Muslim Festival. My brother sent me a letter yesterday with a magazine. It's been since September; the last time I heard from him--he told me he was on school vacation. Hey, at least he wrote me. He said books in college are expensive and all they do is work, work, work. I'm happy for hima nd proud that he made it to college. That's a blessing, not everyone from where we're from makes it that far. He's the only one in my family (besides my cousins) to go to college. (from my sisters) Hopefully my baby sister Areina will follow his steps. 29 January 2006The month for the New Year is just about over. It's raining outside, but it's still warm outside. It's about 5 o'clock and it's starting to get dark out there. I woke up today worse than yesterday. I have a chest cold. I hate having a chest cold becaue it makes you spit that nasty stuff. I'm spitting every 5 minuts. I 've been gettign better sleep since I relocated my cube--I think that's probably why I'm sick because when you're awake your body the immune system is more active. Hopefully this cold won't be around for long. I might just break night for a few days. (I couldn't do it if I wanted yo) the last time I broke night I was around 14 years old, smoking weed and running around I never got tired. That's why I was so skinny, weighing 120 lbs when I got arrested. All I was eating was Chinese food and pizza. I never was home for Moms cooked food since 15. If I would have been home for the New Year of 96 I would've not committed that assault and I wouldn'e never been questioned for that attempted murder that I didn't do--I wish I could do it all over. I remember that day: Dec. 31, 1995. I was asked if I wanted to go home with my mother, but my friend's mom didn't want me to leave her house at that time of night--it was around 11:30 pm. I understand why she didn't want me to go because from the history of where I'm from--New Years is when people figure that it's the time to kill because off all the gunshots going off on the roof and the cops don't patrol as much, so that's when a lot of people get killed. I remember New years of 1995 when a childhood bully from the block was slashed from ear to ear and shot for trying to rob a drug spot. It was crazy back them--it calmed down a lot from what I heard. The cops now don't play games. They will kill you. 1 February 2006One of those days again. Where I've let someone's dumbass comments bother me. I tried to sleep it off, but I couldn't. My nerves are messing with me. It's about 9 o'clock at night, and I'm waiting for the lights to go out after the 9:30 count. Then I'm going to take a hot shower and try to relax as much as I can in this dump. I hate this place. Everyday it's the same feeling--it never changes. 4 February 2006It's Saturday afternoon. There's nothing to do. Now that I think of it I'm doing what I do best now. I was thinking about my social security yesterday. It was late I didn't get to write anything on it. I was crazy tired. I still am. I haven't worked out in a few days, and it feels like I'm losing weight like I got smaller from not working out. I remember before I got locked up I was getting social security from my biological father being dead. As a matter of fact, my mom (God bless her soul) was still receiving the checks in the ammount of less that $100 every month, and she would send it to me for commissary or to buy something I might need. Well, they find out I was in prison and they tried to maje her pay that money she was getting while I was locked up. Now when I go home I have to get my credit checked out--someone in my family might've used my number for the phone, cable, even shopping. From what I understand someone can do a lot with soemone's social security number. Even fake identities. This old timer I met a few years back was schooling me about this. He wanted to start a new life as soon as he's released. He told me you have to leave everybody behind, and I couldn't see me doing that--I love my family too much. Th eold timer had heart problems and didn't even make it home. He had a heart attack while doing chin ups in the yard. He was probably 56 years old. It's sad cause he was exercising to keep his health intact, but when it's your time--it's your time; you have no say-so. You know what's crazy--I sat across the guy I had a fight with, twice this week in the mess hall. I hate his guts. He ruined a lot for me. 5 February 2005It's like everything I own does not last long with me. I just ordered these headphones and already it has a short in it, only the left is audible. It's not the same effect as it would be with both ears working, now I have to figure out away to get new ones. Nothing ever goes right--music is all I have. I love the radio. I no longer have a chest cold, but now I barely have my voice from cheering for the Super Bowl Champs--The Pittsburgh Steelers. I had a friendly bet, 100 push-ups on demand and a pack of soft batch cookies. I notice when I write--I'm speeding, that's why there's so many mistakes. I always go back and read what I write just in case. I leave something out. I always do and I try not to. I like my writings to be understandable, cause if not, then no one will understand me. I don't know where I come up with this stuff, but I got to give a chance to those, to see where I'm coming form and what I've been through, and what I've been doing with my life like this far. Hopefully, I have many more years to come. I trully hope so. 6 February 2006For some reason today was a good day. I fixed my headphones. I pulled it off with my first surgery. I got a few canned goods today--I traded someone a pack of cigarettes I didn't need because I don't smoke. I wish the days are like this more often. But without pain there's no joy. It's crazy how little things can make or ruin your day. I've been writing a lot of lyrics lately, too! I'm stepping it up as I write. I made a few songs that sound ok. I'm trying to do something new. 13 February 2006I'm probably one of the millions of the Americans who have trouble getting much needed sleep. I'll lay down for hours with my eyes closed--and I'm still up. I hate it--it's stressing me out. It's been snowing lately, but this Wednesday and Thursday it's supposed to be in the 40's and much warmer. It's incredible how seven days passed by and nothing happened in my life--nothing worth writing about. Everyday is the same thing amd there's nothing I can quote from someone I probably spoken with in a week because these guys talk about nothing. I told this guy today who goes home next month that he's getting too old to be going in amd out of jail--it's not cool. He said he's going to continue and maintain sobriety, and I said that's the best thing to do. The best thing is to live life not against the law because we have no wins. You got to follow your heart and do what's right--we already did all the wrongs--there's no more wrongs we could possibly do unless we want to be back in jail ( the place I call hell). This isn't the place to be--I say it all the time. It's time to do what's right for us. I just hope I'm not one of those people who don't practice what they preach--one of those guys who tells other guys to stay out of prison and they got 5 state bids they come back 30 to 60 days aftr their release. I'm so scared to go home after all this time and come back. It frightens me just thinking about it. 17 February 2006It's 10 o'clock in the morning--it's really windy outside. Earlier this morning it was about 50 degrees, but now the temperature is dropping. I got to go to the yard this afternoon to do my leg squat exercise. It's been two weeks since I've done any legs. Thankgod it's going to be a 3 day weekend thanks to the President's. I'm going to need the rest--I might not be able to walk--my legs are going to be so sore. Lately my food in my locker has been kind of on the empty side (it's suspect), and there's nights when I'm so hungry that I have a foul taste in my mouth. Now I'm running out of toothpaste. I have to do something about this. Everyday my stomach growls in starvation 20 minutes before chow. Same day. It's eleven o'clock at night and I think I made my lower back hurt more than how it felt a few days from doing them squats. It never fails--I'm always doing something that'll hurt me somehow. Well, that means no more basketball for me because that slippery floor in the gym doesn't make it any better. The dust from the dirt and the salt for the snow always tracks to the gym and makes it impossible to run and stop. The gym porters are lazy to mop--that dust mop is not doing the job. Besides all of this, today was an alright day--I was called for mail. I got my commissary sheet for a Tuesday buy, and the 3 day weekend is now underway, but somehow something will go wrong. I just realized why things go wrong, it's because I let it happen to myself. I have to figure this out and come up with a solution--FAST. 18 February 2005I'm in my cube and it's in the night--it's crazy how it got so cold outside. It's freezing out there--the cold is seeping trough the windows. The heat is not on. I'm going to have to put on extra thermals tonight, but no matter what--I can get better sleep when the night is cool--then my nose won't be stuffy and hard to breathe. The weather is crazy now in days. One day it snows, next day it's 50 degrees, then it's raining and the snow is gone. I like the winter and this one so far hasn't been that bad. Nothing a turtleneck and scarf can't handle. 20 February 2006The 3 day weekend went by too fast--it's alright though. I'm ready for the regular schedule. Sometimes the weekends can get boring--there's nothing to look forward to. See regular days--I look forward to getting mail or a food package that comes as a surprise sometimes. Friday's are good for basketball games on TV, and then try to find a movie. The cable system here sucks. They have all these channels and there's never any good movies on, only time good movies come on is Saturday when HBO shows the premiere, but what do I expect--This s prison, not Burger King where I can have it my way. I have to take this life as it comes--wish for the best and expect the worst. That's probably the motto for prisoners. I hear it all the time. There was liver for dinner tonight and I really can't eat that stuff because of the taste, and the dorm doesn't have any microwaves due to the uncleanliness. The guys want to cook pre-cooked food for hours and don't (at least) wipe down the microwave after they use it, so the C.O took the microwave and toaster oven and put them in the storage room. It's been almost two weeks and she has us eating soups and tuna and cooking out of a hot pot. Today I had to go against the rules and sent my bowl of food (that I cooked earlier in the hot pot) to get a warm-up in the microwave that's in the dorm next door--I was hungry cause I didn't eat that liver. Well, this is a minor day in the life that I own. But do I really own my life? Now that I think about it--I might have some control over some situations, but it's not like how someone might own a dog or own a stereo. Those things, such as a dog can easily be lost and a stereo can easily be broken, and my life can easily be taken. It's whatever the higher power decides. How someone is going to tell me that Jesus Christ never existed--that's crazy. I read an excerpt from a book called Children of the Matrix . It's about everything from the illuminaty, Aliens, to the religion aspect. And it states that Jesus was made up--there's no such thing of the Son of God. It's the sun that they're talking about (sun worshipers). the book is deep--I didn't get a chance to read enough to know what's going on. This is the kind of book that can't be just read--it has to be studied. I like reading books like this. Tomorrow I'm going to the general library to order this book on the library computer. Maybe I can get it. Maybe I should just stay away from all this before it converts me to a conspiracy theorist, and I 'm not trying to be looked at like I'm crazy. 5 March 2006The weather is still cold outside--it might be a long way to go until spring time or might be a long way to go until spring time or maybe not with the way time goes now in days. It makes me wonder? Where does the time go? I'm in my cube and it's 7 o'clock in the evening. I'm bored out of my mind. It's been almost two weeks since the last time I wrote anything and a lot of things have been bothering me lately. I can't wait until summer comes, maybe someone will come and pay me a visit. That's what I need. I need someone other than a prisoner or prisoner counselor to talk to. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself or hating myself for something stupid that I've done. But what's really irritating me and has been for the longest--is the dude who broke my nose, kicked me while I was down and walks around populations like nothing happened. I keep seeing myself beat up and bloody and that's when I hate myself for not doing better to protect myself. I hate myself for letting this person beat me in front of some people that now when they see me they look at me like I'm some punk. I know that's what the looks mean because the looks used to be much different before. And I'm really tired of writing about this and stressing over this lame. The only thing that bothered me growing up was when the kids from my block used to make fun of my ears. Now, when the dudes I joke with make fun of my ears it doesn't bother like how it used to. I've grown accustomed to it. I remember when I was younger--I planned on having surgery to fix-em. But now even if I had all the money in the world I wouldn't do anything with my ears. I'll leave them as they are. My mother (God bless her soul) and my baby sister, Ariena have the same ears, but not as nearly as bad as mine are. My ears stick out like curious George. Well, just my right ear and my left ear is different. My mom used to put a stocking cap on my head to try to fix the problem (smile) nothing worked. I don't care. I like them. That right there is so simple I wish that dude I had a fight with was that simple. Whereas--"I just don't care." But that's my problem: I care. I care about what he has done to me. I care what the people think about me. this kind of stuff travels and I don't want to be haunted because of this to whereas--I had a chance to avenge myself but I didn't. 6 March 2005The weather is much warmer, and later on this week it'll be almost 60 degrees. Well, as always I'm in my cube, it's about 11:30 at night. My day was ok, until I started playing chess in the last hour of the recreation. I'm tired of being beat profusely, but I keep going back hoping to either improve my game or have no game at all. I noticed all my moves have no reason behind them. I just move to move. I'm told that my plays are predictable. I have to develop some strategic skills. I'm working on theme topics: Neighbors, Gambling, and Food. I haven't written a theme topic since the topic on parole. I picked that tones I have experience with. Food is survival. Gambling an addiction, and neighbors are what I have to deal with. 7 March 2006It's 6:15 pm. I'm in my cube--I'm planning on going outside with the 7 o'clock rec movement and doing a little bit of push ups, pull ups, and dips. It's alright outside the weather is manageable today--I can wear my usual turtleneck and hoody. Today Randy tried to front on me--that's why I don't like playing with people cause one day it's all good, and then the next thing you know they want to fight. I'm tired of these dudes--they're like a light switch. I just want to get away. I wish I could step out of the box for at least half a day to see what it is that I do that's so wrong. I would like to see if I move the same way the other guys do. I would like to see what I did wrong during that fight, and why I didn't duck? I'm picking up a bad habit again. I'm starting to smoke cigarettes again! I'm smoking little by little, every other day. I hate it. It's like, this is what I'm looking to relieve my stress. I haven't smoked in a long time. The reason why I quit the first time is because my mother got enphazima. (I think that's how you spell it?) That lung disease, it put holes in her lungs, and she had a lot of trouble breathing. When my aunt told me she had this problem--which was about six years ago I stopped smoking and now I'm picking up the habit. I was never addicted the first time around. It was like how I'm starting now--every other day or a few pulls. I need to chill out. 8 March 2006It's about 9:30 in the morning. It's crazy sunny outside. I feel sore, tired and worried about something--I don't know what it is. I think I got some kind of paranoia disease. It's 11:30 pm and my fan is tweaking--making all kinds of noises. I go tot keep it on--it's too stuffy in the dorm. But soon enough the motor is going to conk out. I have to oil it up--the previous owner must've put baby oil or Vaseline which makes it worse. Tomorrow I'm going to clean it out and use the oil for the beard trimmers. Hopefully, this will work. Today I was thinking about this pup I had that passed away on me. My first dog ever (Princess) gave birth to her and the pup was running around eating the plaster from the walls and she got poisoned. We found her under the table in a pool of blood when she was defecating--that was a very sad day. And then around a few years later my step-dad decided to move from where we were to another terrible place, except it was into a private house--we had the second floor with the attic. It was nice while it lasted. The person who owned the house didn't want any pets around so my older sister sent my dog, Princess, to the A.S.A.P. for adoption, but they ended up putting my dog to sleep--I hated her for that. That was the was the first dog I ever had. She was a good dog, too! Now, well probably a few years ago when me and my sister would talk I would bring up that time to make her feel guilty, but in a playful matter--I got over it, but I would never forget. I would tell her, "You killed my dog." She'll feel bad, bu tit wasn't her fault that they put the dog down. I told my mom (after my sister dropped the dog off at A.S.A.P.) to call and see if we can get the dog back, and we can keep her someplace else, but that's when they gave us the bad news. The reason they put her down was because she was pregnant. Now that I look back I can't believe I was crying over a dog, but that was my best friend--I protected her; she protected me; I took her everywhere. She had had been through a lot; she even got hit by a car once. Damn, I loved that dog. It was fun back then, with no worries. 10 March 2006What a nice day. It was nice and warm and tomorrow s supposed to be better. I am so tired--I've been a wake since 7:30 this morning, and right now it's 10:30 am. I didn't get much sleep yesterday--as I assumed I would because I changed my mattress for a much fluffier one. It wasn't a Sealy, but it's way more comfortable than the last one. I was hoping to get a good sleep and a few dreams and wake up feeling refreshed, but unfortunately nothing ever goes my way. Tonight should be different. And I got to wake up early tomorrow to change the garbage bags and take it out, then my job is done--it's too easy. Today I found out this guy that was incarcerated with me a few years ago and went home was killed. Somebody gunned him down. That's crazy he was home for a few years now. . He paid the state 15 years of his life and now he's gone--that's the reason why I don't want to go back to the city to live there. No way I 'm going to stay there. I'm scared to death. I hate to go home after all this lost time and then get killed--from old beef or even being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I know you can't escape death, but escaping the city will put an extension on your life. 12 March 2006What a gloomy day it was. It's been drizzling all day so far. It's 7 o'clock pm. I'm in the cube. I've been in here for most of the day, and for most of the day it's been dragging. I've been up since 7:15 in the morning. I tired to take a nap to rest my burning eyes, but it's impossible. So, I decided to stay up. I played a little bit of chess; I read my FHM mag; and I listened to some music. I had to surgically repair my headphones again yesterday. Those headphones are so cheap. I better start saving up now because it might not last long. Yesterday I was working out on the weights. I was doing dumbbells in an incline chest routine--I was like on my fifth set when I was pushing the weight on my forehead. Lucky it was the 50 pounders because if I had and the 70's or more I probably would've crushed my head. The guy spotting for me was scared for me, but I was alright. I tensed my arms as much as I could when they came down--so it really didn't hurt much. But right now, I'm not going to frunt--it's a little sore. The new Mary Tape is official--I love good music. It sound real good on the headphones. Put the red light on, turn up the music, and get in the zone, and away from here. I got to learn how to meditate, so I can really escape. Learn how to just block everything out, everything that's surrounding me, all the negativity and BS that goes on everyday. I need some kind of peace of mind and tranquility. |