The journal of Matt Green

Table of Contents:

27 February 2005

I apologize for not having more for you. I recently was targeted and put in lock-up. Enclosed are a copy of the charges that were written against my celly and I. I spent eight days in the hole before my release. I don't want to sound like I am crying, but when they make up charges it is very hard to prove your innocence. In this last set of charges wrote against my celly and I it took me eight days to be released back into population. That there shows you how much stock the powers that be, put into the charges the officer wrote against me. In here the easiest way to inflict mental pain on a convict is for a officer to write a fake charge on him. Because you are guilty from the moment his/her pen touches the paper. you are then removed form population, and while in lock-up you are expected to prove your innocence, without access to a phone or any person who could help you. The institution wins most of the time because people don't know how to go about fighting the charges filed against them. I am luck that over the ten years I have been incarcerated I have learned how to go about proving my innocents concerning institutional charges. I explain this so you will understand why my journey is incomplete. During the search of my cell on the 18 of this February. The officers took my disk. In doing that I have lost all my files, one of which was this journal project. A friend has given me a disk and I am some what situated in my new surroundings. and now wish to give the Durland journal project another go at it.

I would like to start by describing where I am housed here at New Jersey State Prison. The unit I am now on is called 2-Left. It is inside the old side of the jail. This building was built in 1835. My cell is roughly 5 feet wide by 7 feet deep with a 7 foot ceiling. In back left hand corner of the cell is where the toilet is located. Do to the fact when these cells were built in 1835 there were no toilet or sinks in the rooms and I should point out until the 70's these were two man cells. But back to the toilet in order to get enough pitch on the drain pipe so it will work my toilet sits on a 16 inch slab of concrete, with the sink snug up against it. To use it you have to sit sideways across the seat with your legs dangling in the air. I tell you it is taking a bit for me to get used to. The bed extends off the right wall, and next to the toilet. From the door you learn how to keep a very clean toilet. At the foot of the bed there is a shelf for your tv. Being we are housed in the old side of the jail we have no hot water in the cells. Cell 66 where I am at is in the very back of the housing unit. Directly outside my door is the showers. I mean by directly one human step from my door to the shower. From when the count clears at 6:30 in the morning until the tier is locked down at 9:pm there are people showering. I have to deal with the steam coming off the showers getting caught up under the upstairs catwalk and being drawing into my cell. There has been moisture constantly on the walls. First day I tried to wipe them down in vain, the room is constantly damp and with no heat in the room it is constantly cold . . . You see the heater is out on the tier ad ends before the showers which is five cells before me. To sit here and type tonight I am dressed as I was when I went outside today. Thermals, sweat clothes and a coat. Now that you know where I am being housed and what my housing conditions are lets move more into the journal part of our project and let me tell you about my day. At the six o'clock count this morning I was woke up by the officer so he could make sure I was alive. After saying morning to him I popped the ear plugs in (ear plugs to convicts are a square of toilet paper moistened and rolled into balls and pushed into the ears) and quickly went back to sleep before the count clears and people started showering. I started my day at ten am. Which is the next count, when once again the officer came by and woke me up making sure I was alive. The second wake-up call starts my day. My day started by making a card for my youngest child. a little bunny rabbit whose ears folded around into a heart. The drawing was pretty easy but when they came around for the yard list I was still painting the background and had to stop for the time being and get ready for yard. some years back someone got the bright idea and the jail broke the big yard up into four small cages, so now when you go to the yard you only interact with the people from your unit each yard has a half basket ball court a pull up bar, a sit bench and a heavy bag. Three yards are set up like this and the fourth has weights. Each day you rotate yards, every four days you have weights. Today I was in quad two. Being new on the unit I consider myself lucky. I wound up being housed on a unit with a couple close friends. Today we went out and did ten sets of dips, ten sets of push ups, the worked stomach. Stomach is what I hate. Leg lifts, then sit-ups, the crunches. By the time I am half way done the crunches I ma begging for the yard to be called in. We get an hour and a half in the yard each day. It goes quick. The key is to get in as much exercise as you an because once you come back to your cell you get none. For if you stand up in the center of the room you can touch all four walls . . . grabbed a quick shower and took the walk to dinner tonight. We will get into the mess hall another day. But today being Sunday like every other Sunday is chicken leg night. Once back wrote my other child a letter and then started this journal project. I have to say writing this journal I burned through three bags of M&M. But with the coffee gone and the M&M devastated we must bring this journal to a end tonight. So fair well. Gary and journal readers alike have a good day.

28 February 2005

I come to you once again from 66 cell on 2-Left. Today was a good day for me. filled with any small but generous blessings. As you know I would from our late night last night I slept until 10 am. and my day started off nice and slow. My two children and I are reading the same book together. A old classic. All creatures great and small by James Herriot. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes animals or stories rapped around the love of animals. I finished chapter 7 today. When I talked to my children earlier this evening they both had finished chapter 2. I double read each chapter of the books we read together. The second time through I highlight key passages so we can easier talk about what we have read. Reading with them over the years has been a blessing in building out relationship. I don't believe we would have so much in common or to talk about if it were not for us reading together. But back now to my day. I read right up until it was time to go to yard. Yard was special today. It was snowing out but the snow wasn't lying yet while we were out there, but I tell you it was really coming down. Me and the fellows I am working out with now decided to go do pull-ups first. Then we jogged until the yard ended. The snow was coming down so heavy that as I jogged it would get in my eyes and blind you for a second. I love the snow it makes you feel like a kid again and brings back all the good old memories. Think about it yourself I bet you can clearly remember a good snow time memory. This evening has come and went pretty quick. I am trying to get a double visit with my children and Mom at the end of this month, so I had to write the administration and beg for some permission, see my family lives two states away. To come see me it is a all day project for them. So lets all cross our fingers and hope I am granted permission for the double visit. When I finished up with that letter I wrote Mom, and let her know I was on top of things. Got to use the phone tonight and class home, I was talking to my youngest. We discussed the book as well as other things. The calls home are a true blessing. And for someone like me they really show you how much your family loves and wants to hear from you. . . See my calls being I call out of state run about 17 dollars for a 15 minute call they go so quickly. You get that rush when you first hear your family members voice and then the call clicks off without any warning at the 15 minute mark and you are crushed and sad that you didn't even get to say good by. But that is prison life. It is part of the stuff that you know to expect but never get use to. And after that call it became time to up date our journal and spend time with you. My plans for tonight are to finish up a dragon picture I started for my youngest before I went to lock-up this last time. so once again I am going to sign off and I will see you once again tomorrow.

7 April 2005

Today was a good day for prison, it was the start of night yard. What I mean by night yard is now that summer is here and it stays light outside a little longer at night the jail gives us a extra yard period every other night. So tonight I got out of my cell a extra hour and a half. The down side of this is if you go out you forfeit your dinner meal. But missing a meal every other day is worth missing a meal. These are my oodles of noodles nights. The sad thing is a lot of people in here can't take advantage of the extra yard due to having diabetes or having to receive medication for these medical functions take place during the evening mess movement. It was a nice day outside though. From having the two yards today I got a little extra sun and the bridge of my nose is sunburned. I guess that means for me that summer is here. Today during my regular recreation period the fellows and I did our leg work out program. There is a low bench in Quad 3, and that bench is the reason the we designate that yard to our leg work out. There is three of us in our workout crew now, we start out by doing step ups on the bench. A three man workout crew gives you the perfect amount of break time between sets. We do 5 sets for a 40 count. That is actually 20 step ups per leg. Then we move to lunges. And it is the same thing 5 sets for a 40 count. After that we move into squats here though we do 10 sets for a 30 count before moving on to calf raises. Then we really start to look funny for then we finish up the yard doing calisthenics toe touches, wind mills and cherry pickers rarely do we finish the cherry pickers, as today in the second sat yard was called up. But when you are locked down 21 hours a day minimum you have to get as much into that hour and a half as you can. The night yard tonight was much more relaxing but just as taxing. we went out and got a nice card game of dirty hearts. The thing we play for push ups. I didn't do as bad as my friend Overlord. We were picking on him tonight and everyone kept giving him all the points. He ended up doing over 300 push ups. I got away with only doing about a hundred. which was god to me for tomorrow's yard is all push ups, pull ups and dips. And my upper body has been feeling really taxed the last week or so. But lets move on. This past week has been slow to me and I am ahead on what I have been doing. Each week I draw each of my kids cards. My youngest I already have her card finished. This week I drew a fairy sleeping in a four leaf clover. You would think the fairy would be the hard part to draw, but it wasn't I drew her first laid out then I was suck for a background. Finally I was flipping through a spectrum art book looking at other peoples work looking for ides when I seen a water scene with the earth rolled up. Next thing I was putting weeds filling it in. Then I thought about the four leaf clover being for luck and my daughters fairy wound up sleeping on a clover. It was nice seeing how it turned out, now all I need to do is figure out what I am going to do for my oldest now. Well it is midnight and I am going now. It is the time for me to watch NOVA on PBS. So we will catch up a little later.

16 April 2005

This week went by fast. I don't know if that is possible being in prison but I found myself a day behind all week. I was thinking about it earlier tonight and I think it has to do with me sleeping during the mornings and not having to go through all the hassles of being up that time of day. This week I didn't really accomplish very much other then what is expected of me. Example write mom, make the kids cards and send them out. 11 years of being here its becoming mighty hard to make a card. There are only so many topics out there. It ain't like we see anything different. It is always the same four walls. PBS television has been good this week. A whole lot of nature programs, when you crave to see something green like I do, you will watch the same nature show over and over as if it is the first time you ever seen it. My oldest I was talking with him earlier tonight. He was out on his dirt bike right before I called, when I was talking to him he was all excited from being out riding. He has a good way with his words he describes his life to me in a way that lets me be a part of his life, while truly ripping my heart out because I can't be there with him. I miss my family so much. I find myself falling so far behind in their lives as time goes by. But I always have to remind myself just how lucky I am to be able to still have the relationships I hold so dear with my family even with all the strains time and being taken away from them have placed on it. Well it has been good for me I think to write tonight, take care and I will write again soon.

23 April 2005

This week went by pretty quickly. I have a lot of birthdays coming up, along with Mother's Day so I figured not to procrastinate and start working on cards. You wouldn't think a card would take so long, but I spent five hours of my night tonight working on a birthday card. I ended up burning my eyes and back out working on it before I ever came close to finishing it. I found it very relaxing though, once I start drawing I find the hours go by like minutes, and I am able to zone out everything around me. In a place as stressful as this it is really nice and therapeutic to have a release such as the ability to draw. When I look around at my friends and associates it is surprising how many of them don't have any hobbies. They just lay in their cages and watch tv, day and night. Not that that is a bad thing but I see it as not being a positive thing in my personal life. I find when I start watching too much TV I will become lazy and start missing yards, and being in this prison you are only given that one chance to go to yard and if you miss that you are not going to be given another chance to leave your cage until the next day. With those thoughts said I will move on. The weather has begun to warm up enough that you can really enjoy the out doors. I have my little workout program and the crew I work out with. And been enjoying both the exercises and the warmth of the sun while I am in the yard. I am more relaxed in the summer time. The blue skies and the warmth has that effect on me. Well now that I realize I am babbling I am going to close up this journal until I have something more to contribute to it. Before I close though I would like to say thank you to Elizabeth for her letter and her words of encouragement. Well I am moving on to the next step in burning up some time tonight. I feel in the mood to read for a while and start winding down for the night, after all it is after 3 AM and almost my bedtime. See ya.

1 May 2005

It is May already. I have been pretty well this past week. I managed to keep myself busy and my mind focused on positive thoughts. Every once in a while I go really overboard on making cards for my kids, this was one of those weeks. It started off when I was making my mother's day card for Mom. What was going to be some flowers and a splash of color, turned into a whole day project with a cat in a garden on the front of the card, (my mom loves her cats) and a pop up bouquet of painted flowers on the inside. The next day I spent doing a card for my oldest. It was a space scene. The front had a rocket ship going across space and when you opened it had a space ship tat popped up like it was taking off, my third card of the week was of a Dalmatian in a fire hat. When you opened the card up it had another cut out dog on the inside that popped up and looked like he was going across the yard. That was three days worth of projects, which in turn kept my mind busy for all most half the week. For the last couple of days I have been just watching the boob tube, I have also been noticing that my musical taste have been changing, I always loved my rock music, but lately I have been listening to a college station and listening to the blues program each night. Between the instruments and the melody of the music I find that it can lighten my mood. And being light hearted is a good way to start the evenings, letting go the stress of another day in here. Today wasn't so bad. Woke up around noon, was ready to go out to yard by one, went out and worked out with the fellows, pull ups, dips, and push ups, then finished up with sit ups and leg lifts until they called yard up. Came in and showered then sat down and started writing letters to my loved ones, been doing that for that last few hours. Since I had the word processors out and it was time to send off last months journal entries I decided to also up date my journal. I like this journal, it allows me to take a look at my last week or day and try to put some kind of prospective on my life in prison. I never dreamed I could ever wind up in a place like this. I used to be a respectable person, worked for the park system for which I lived in. Me and my wife owned our home where we raised our kids. Then in a moment everything changed forever. I wound up in prison for life, she fell apart and still to this day has not been able to get her life back together. I do think this journal has been good for me. When I go to write something down, I take a second look at what it is I am writing about, and rarely do I see the same event the same way. With that said, I am going to close now and move on in my night. See ya next time.....

12 May 2005

Today was a pleasant day. I woke up in time to go to lunch with the fellows. I still use language as if I lived on the streets, when I used the word lunch that thought jus clicked in my mind, see in here it is either going to mess or feed up. Those terms just make me think of cattle. Enough of that though. It was such a nice day out today. We had the weight pile. So today was shoulders and arms. I had a real nice work out. I am sore. Today I ate back up though tonight. Around seven I started to get hungry so I started snacking on dry raisin bran, about half an hour ago I ended up polishing off the bag. It never seems like you are eating that much, but as I look at it, it is better to snack on cereal then junk food. And it surely lasts a lot longer. I finally got in touch with my mom and my boy today. When I called my boy had just walked in the door from the library. He checked out a book on chickens, he was telling me how last weekend they got duck eggs and chicken eggs, they have them in the incubator, waiting for them to hatch. He was telling me it takes 21 days for them to hatch, he was telling me that the farmer they bought them from told him they should be hatching this weekend, so he was reading upon raising them up. I always like having the little peepers around each spring growing up. My family don't get geese no more though since my granddad passed away. But finally talking with him has surely lightened my mood. I worry about my kids so much, not being there for them kills me inside daily. My family use to be so tight, Sunday morning breakfast, the cookouts and dinners, now there is basically none of that going on. Since my grandmother and granddad died, only my mom and her middle sister talk any more. Everyone else just wants to fight about the past. Which leaves me in a tight spot for I am still tight with everyone but my uncles. Hell even my aunt's ex-husband and me write each other two, three times a month. Fact is I just wrote him a two page letter earlier tonight, to me he will always be family, to the rest of the family they treat him like he has the plague. To me once you are family you are family, and that means something to me. Lidia's kitchen just came on so it is to thirty in the morning already. Tonight went by quick. I ended up watching a couple of hours of the idiot box though tonight. The only show that was any good was Frontline on PBS. That show was in Ohio's mentally ill in prison, it is surprising how many mentally ill are in prison, hell I am a little crazy myself. All the isolation does that to you though. But like I was saying earlier this was a good day, a day I felt blessed in, talking with kids does that for me though, for ant time spent with them is a blessing. Well I am done writing for tonight, I know it wasn't deep, but when nothing changes from day to next, nothing ever really is.

13 May 2005

Today has been a long day. As soon as lunch was over the powers that be locked the jail half way down, meaning all movements including recreation have been cancelled. They ran dinner tonight, but that was the only movement we had outside our cells. Didn't even get to take a shower today. I also lost one of my friends to lock up this afternoon. The cops just came on cuffed him up and took him off the unit. You never know why you are being locked up when they come get you like that. They put you in pre-hearing detention and that gives them three or more days to see what they can doctor up on you. So we will see what charges in a couple days they place on Billy. Due to the fact the jail was locked down I wasn't able to call my daughter tonight, she wasted her night waiting for my call. It is hard on my kids, they make it next to impossible to stay in touch with family. It just makes me sick thinking about the way we are treated, surrounded by immature cops that think their shit don't stink, enough of that, I am a little perturbed tonight. Being locked in a 5x8 box for over 40 hours and missing being able to talk to my daughter is taking its toll on me today.

14 May 2005

It is Saturday night. Been sitting around all day and night. The powers that be have locked down once again. Found out today that they locked not only my friend Billy up but a bunch of my friends. They found a weapon on a housing unit they were working on. See in here all maintenance is done by us convicts. And just because they found the weapon on the housing unit they were working on they are in lock up. It don't pay to have those types of jobs in here. Because every time something is found in here you wind up in the hole until they sort things out or find that they can't make a charge stick on you. So when I went by Billy's cell today it was all tore up. All his property is just dumped in the middle of the floor, and trampled on. When you see that it just pisses off. What little bit of money you make or your people send you, you buy what little bit of property you can have, and the pigs just come in and destroy your property for their enjoyment. I need to get out of this box. At least they gave us showers today. Enough for one day will write later.

15 May 2005

I am in a bit of a better mood today. They ran the jail normally today. I did every movement I could. Got up and went to breakfast, something I haven't done in a long while. Went to lunch with the fellows. Didn't eat but had some good conversation something I haven't been getting the last couple days. Did the yard thing, exercised the whole yard. It felt great to get to move around, lay in that bed for a couple days and your whole body starts to hurt. The whole yard all the gossip was flying. The word is that Friday they found a shank in a medical box. That is what my friend Billy and the rest of the guys on the work detail got locked up over. When they were searching the unit they supposedly found a couple cell phones. You got to love it though. The cops sell the cell phone to us. The going rate right now is 200 dollars. It pay to buy them. You can use them any time you want and as long as you want to talk for. But the jail creates the market for them and the cops buy their cars and houses by selling them to us. You got to figure if you can make eight fifteen minute calls using the pay phones in the jail you just cost your family more then a cell phone cost. Enough about how messed up this place is. The powers that be complain about the things sold on the black market in here, but they create the need, so they can profit off it.

17 May 2005

Today has been so stressful. First thing this morning I got a cop waking me up screaming turn the light on step to the door. Hell of a thing to have to wake up to, first thing in the morning being strip searched. Then they took us to the gym. Where we sat for the next seven hours. 130 people jammed in the little gym here, you can't imagine the noise of 130 people talking and everyone trying to be heard, within half an hour I had a headache. The bathroom in the gym was flooded. So every time someone used it they dragged that mess all over the gym floor on their shoes, no where to sit and nothing to do. Most miserable long day I have spent in prison in a while. Then when they let us go back to the cells , I walk in my cage and have to deal with the added stress of my property dumped all over my floor and my bed. I had to clean out my word processor, in my mind I know the cop dumped the oatmeal in it just for spite. Writing this out seems to be easing the anger I feel. I can deal with my room and belongings being searched, but the maliciousness gets under my skin. I spent at least 2 hours tonight taking my word processor apart in order to clean the oatmeal out of it. The cage on my fan is broke now, and the powers that be feel I should be happy. I find it hard to keep my thoughts on a level plain in times like this.

18 May 2005

The jail was locked down once again today, I was thinking about it earlier today I haven't seen the sky in over 72 hours now. I have been feeling so aggravated. I have laid trapped in this little cage all day. The only thing I did all day was write my kids. It was been 5 days since I been allowed to use a phone, due to the jail being locked down. I feel like doing nothing. Tried reading earlier got through about ten pages before I had enough of the book. I wish I had more to talk about I just don't. Nothing has changed but the level of my aggravation. So what is there to write about.

20 May 2005

I am writing early tonight, it is only 6:30 PM. The jail is still locked down, some higher up within the powers that be has cancelled visits this weekend to boot. See we only get contact visits on the weekends then only 120 people can Saturday and another 120 Sunday, which is really messed up for there is 2000 guys there abouts here at this prison, so every weekend people's families travel all the way up to see them and get turned away, needless to say I was really stressing for my mom was bringing my daughter up to visit with me tomorrow for her birthday. And they travel 3 and a half hours each way just to get here. So when one of the powers that be made the cops run the phone tonight that was a real blessing, for I got to wish my daughter a happy birthday just in case I don't get to use the phone tomorrow and I got to talk to moms and let her know not to come up. So even though I am still stressing after having my belongings trashed during the shakedown the other day, and being locked down all week, being able to call home tonight to keep my family from wasting a trip up here to see was a bit of a relief. That would of been terrible for my daughter let alone my family seven hours in a car on a wasted trip to see me on her birthday to boot. I can think of a lot of better ways to spend your birthday than trapped in a car. Beyond that I am mentally stressed still but other then that I am well. Started reading in Lord of the Rings once again today, I just can't get into Fellowship of the Ring like I did The Hobbit. But I am moving through it and novels pass time in a positive way, I know when I read a lot my moods are usually better for the most part. Well now that I updated the journal and put some thoughts to this day I am going to close for now and move on with my night.

21 May 2005

Today has been a long taxing day. It is my daughter's birthday and I can't even call her and say hello, this lockdown is ridiculous, at least it is to me. It ain't even a total lockdown, they have us still going to the mess hall for meals. Which benefits them due to the fact they don't have to feed us in the cell. But they have cancelled out yards visits and religious movements. We only have contact visits on the weekends here. There is only five things you leave your cell for here. To go to yard, shower, mess hall, a religious meeting, or visit. And they have cancelled it all but the mess hall. Well that is prison life in the 21 hours lock down jail. It is amazing what stress, taking an hour and a half recreation from me has had. I have no motivation, just want to lay, I decided when I got up today just to fast and try to get my head together. I don't know what good it has had though. Because my brain feels racked. I am going to write the family now. I am in the mood so there is no reason to put it off ant longer, if I do that I am liable not to write them at all tonight.

24 May 2005

I decided to do some writing in the journal and see is it helps me calm down a little. Today was off the wall again. I stayed up late last night to try to sleep through today. But that plan didn't work out. At two o'clock I am woke up by the cops. Put through another strip search and sent up on the chapel with the rest of the unit. The chapel is just a big holding pen now that they don't have religious services up there anymore. We were up there until nine PM tonight. When I finally came back to my cage. I walked into a tornado, everything I have just dumped and walked on by the cop that supposedly was searching it. Sun glasses shattered, rice just dumped out on the floor along with potato chips and other commissary. Just a mess, I gave up cleaning up about a half hour ago. I was becoming too aggravated so I will pick it up again tomorrow when I am in a bit better mood and not so stressed out. People cry about these terrorist in Iraq prisons. And the same stuff goes on here. Go figure.

17 June 2005

I just received the newsletter and essays on religion and self control tonight. And I immediately flipped through to mine and enjoyed reading what I had took from my mind and put to words. Seeing that printed in the news letter means a lot to me and makes me feel apart of something bigger then myself. Then I began enjoying the writings of the other individuals who participated. It is amazing the glimpse others are willing to share of the world, thoughts and pain. I really enjoyed them all. So thank you for including me in your project and sharing with me the thoughts of others like me and letting me know I am not so alone in my thoughts. Now moving on today I would like to talk about gossip. A guy left and went to another prison about a week ago that I was proud to call my friend. His family tool very good care of him and by that he was never in need or without. And always looked out for those around him and helped those he could. He had been here at this jail for sixteen years. And no one ever had a bad word about him. And I knew him for the six I have been here. When I first walked in here and had nothing and knew no one. He introduced himself to me. Gave me a few stamps, a fork, a spoon, a bowl and cup to eat with and invited me to workout with him and his friends that day when we went to yard, in doing so he made my integration here much easier than it would have been. I watched him do this countless times for others, and I watched his kindness cause him conflict also over the years as people tried to take his kindness for weakness. He became a true friend and you don't get many true friends here in prison. Today I almost came to blows with a guy who was one of our associates. He knew Earl a lot longer than I did. He is one of these people who never contributes to anything and always have their hand out. I am standing there waiting my turn in the workout when out of this idiot's mouth comes the words like a knife in my gut, "Earl went out like a bitch, snitching on Billy about the ounce of weed in his fan." As soon as I heard it I totally lost my self control. And went for him. I don't mention his name on purpose for if the cops were to read this there would be repercussions. I count myself lucky at this moment. For Tim was quicker then me and bigger, I might ass and was able to get between me and this idiot and able to man handle me enough while talking sense to me and calming me down. I am not a violent person I have never started a fight and as hard as this is for some to believe it is true I have always tried to walk away from confrontation when I could but yet here I was today going to try to hurt this idiot over words. I hate gossip. And as soon as someone isn¿t there to stick up for themselves, the idiots of the world with their small minds will make up stories to spread to hear themselves talk and occupy their time with no regard for the person they're hurting. This really got under my skin I think because I use to watch Earl feed this idiot constantly. And now that Earl is gone and useless to him he is making up lies about him, see those of us in the know, know that Billy got busted because he was sitting in his cell smoking a joint during count when the cop came up to give his neighbor some books he received in the mail that day. I don¿t know why people are the way they are. You only have three things in prison as I see it that the cops can¿t take from you that the idiots of this place give up freely. The first is your family. True family no one can take form you but you. I know a guy whose mother comes to see him every week. Goes through all the nonsense the cops put her through to see him. But id he is getting high on her money that day, he won't go out on the visit and sends her away. I sat there one night listening to this "A" hole tell his mother on the phone "I didn't know you were here the cops never told me." Then try to work her for money so he could get high some more. The second thing the cops can't take from you is your word. And the third goes right along with your word it is your reputation. People talk about prison being rough and hard, prison is what you make it to be for the most part. I was sitting here before I started writing, wondering why I snapped so easily today losing control. I too could have used words to put the idiot in his place instead of the fear I forced him to feel when I snapped and went for him. When Tim calmed me, I went form instant anger to joy watching him be degraded by Tim yelling at him in front of everybody. Exposing him for the liar and gossip artist he is. Then watching him slink off by himself. I would have gained momentary satisfaction if we would have fought and gladly accepted the consequences from my actions. But Tim intervening was a blessing and a much better way of dealing with the situation. With age comes wisdom. I understood the day I walked in here I was no better then anyone else here. That I was a number, that what I once had on the street meant nothing no more. That all I had or ever will have here in prison is my family, my word, and my reputation. Ten and a half years later that still holds true. The state has not been able to take my family though they may make it hard for me to see or communicate with them. They have never been able to make me lie or break my word, and due to that and the passage of time I enjoy the reputation of being a stand up person who¿s word means something and still is enjoying good family ties. Well I have babbled enough for one night and feel much more relaxed even though my back is a big knot due to sitting here Indian style for the last hour typing. See ya.

25 June 2005

Today has been a good day to this point, even though one is in prison I have found that your attitude towards others around you is what decides whether or not you're going to have a good day or not. I have broke my schedule over the past two weeks, I like sleeping all morning that way I don't have to put up with first shift. But about two weeks ago a friend of mine got out of lock up and moved on the unit. And since it is a good idea to travel around here in numbers, I go to breakfast with him. Not that he would have problems if me and Timmy didn't go to breakfast with him, it is just a better idea to travel in numbers. So my days have been starting off early. I have been using the time between breakfast and lunch to draw and make cards for my kids plus use the phone to shoot the breeze with my kids not that they are out of school on summer vacation. My daughter did really good this year in school. She graduated with honors from elementary school with perfect attendance, all "A's" and one "B" I was so proud of her. She has come so far over the years since I came to prison and my ex wife let the streets take control of her life. My boy received all "B's" and two "C's." He still struggles with reading. Which just don't seem right, for one of the things we share together is reading. We are both reading a classic by James Herriot, "All Things Great and Small" so it ain't like he can't read or has problems understanding what he reads. Because we sit on the phone and discuss what we are reading chapter by chapter. That interaction is how we keep our father-son bonds strong and gives us something to talk about. But he struggles with reading in school. It is just beyond me how that how that can be. But it is what it is. And I am still very proud of both of them and the people they are growing into. Yard today was especially a good yard for me. Today is our stomach workout day, and all in all it is a pretty fast work out, we usually have about 45 minutes before yard is up. Since my knee has been feeling good, I decided to try it out and see if it could withstand me jogging again. So last night I cut up a new pair of shower shoes to fit inside my tennis shoes. And broke out the new knee brace. And it was all good. I took it at a nice slow pace and I got about 25 minutes of jogging in when yard was called. I was so happy when I got back in and there was no swelling, and only a little more then the normal ache I have become accustom to. So now I can add that to my normal work out once again every fourth day, I have been lacking good cardio. So this makes me happy to once again be able to jog. That has been about the high light of my day, we had night yard tonight. But that was just the norm, went out and played dirty hearts for push ups, took a shower and decided to catch upon the journal. I plan on ending my night after I close this up by writing the kids and hopefully finding something interesting on PBS to watch, so until I write you again, take care and take life one day at a time. It is much easier that way.

15 August, 2005

Sorry it was been a while since I have last written. No excuses. For I know that I agreed to and should be keeping up on it. A little has happened since I last wrote, so let me see if I can catch up with everyone and bring us up to speed, the biggest thing bitch wise in here has been dealing with ice, we have been having to go through all these heat waves and just plain hot days without ice, and to make it worse food packages came up this month, (food packages for those who don't know, we are all allowed to get twice a year from four approved vendors. We can get 50 pounds of food per package. But in order to get them you have to be participating in a prison program or are holding a prison work assignment and be charge free for at least a year.) And the food people are buying from these vendors is going bad right after they are getting them, due to the fact they have no ice to keep them cold. At the middle of July to the beginning they are making everyone who wanted ice go into the mess hall, and only having sixty bags of ice or so in the cooler, so guys were fighting, pushing and shoving to be able to get into one of the first two cages to leave the mess hall so they could bet ice, for if you are in the cage full of convicts you were screwed, I have been in tamer mosh pits then the cages to leave the mess hall. Now the administration is just making us choose between night yard or ice. For if you go to yard at night you are not getting ice when you come back in. Talk about stress, I have more stress this year dealing with the ice problem then I had the three years I spent in Baltimore's Super Max. Well as this is still a on going problem I will move on and give a update in the next journal enter hopefully. Lets see what else has been going on. It is amazing how different jails are run form one administration to another. Before they brought this Cathel guy in and put him in the warden position we had a older warden name Hendrix. We never had yard cancelled under Hendrix but under Cathel any reason what so ever and there is no yard. Every day is a new experience for them. It seems once a week it is cancelled for Muslim services. Or so he and his cronies walk through the building, you use to see Hendrix walk the building by himself, take tours of the housing units, he would talk to us convicts, and address peoples' housing concerns, this new guy Cathel seems scared to death. When he moves with in the building they shut the areas of the jail down that he is in, and he travels with his little hit squad of guards. And no one has ever seen him on a unit. The guy has no idea what is going on with in the jail or the problems him and his new administration are causing, when people are talking about it around here, it is said that they are trying to push us to react. Last week they shut down the law library. They are telling us for maintenance but now it has been closed for over a week. Guys that are fighting their case and are under deadlines are S.O.L. and that is to start. All the other non-sense going on around here is just enough to start tension. And since embarking on that discussion I am feeling all that stress, so we will change the subject and move on once again. As I have mentioned before my kids art living in Virginia now. They start school this coming Monday. Summer vacation has come and is almost gone. Was talking to my boy today and he was telling me how happy he is that the bull was sent back. So he has another field now that he can ride his dirt bike in, it seems like all he does down there. They really don't have no friends down there other then each other, for it is all farms and no one lives around them. They had to build a chicken coop last month due to the fact a new predator started getting his chickens. It was bad enough that the raccoons and fox were getting one here and there, but a hawk found them easy pickings, and really started cutting them down. So now that he has them all gathered in a coop they are no longer free chickens, they're as caged as I am now, no more roaming and eating what they want when they want. He was telling me he misses seeing them fly up in the trees at night to sleep. I was telling him that hopefully in time he will be able to let them out again to roam and be able to just pen them up at night. Out of both my children my daughter seems really lost down there, she is not a real outdoors person and due to that she has nothing to do down there, they are both video game freaks but the games are all she seems to do any more. And all she has to talk about is how bored she is. I keep telling her as she adjusts to being down there she will find new things to do, I been waiting to try and find her some books on nature, for wildlife is all over the place down there. It seems really rough on he moving from the city time in Baltimore to the country of Virginia, in Baltimore she has all her friends and day or night something is always going on, down there it don't matter what time of day or night it is there is nothing going on and no one around. Well I am going to move on and close up this journal enter now. I am getting hungry and I am in the mood for fish, I think I am going to open a can of salmon up. Here it is ten at night and I haven't eaten yet, This heat is something, it is so hot you just don't want to eat during the day. Well everyone take care and we will talk again soon.

28 August 2005

I have managed to have a relaxing day today, not allow myself to get caught up in the aggravation I am surrounded in. While I was sleeping this morning there was a fight on the recreation deck. From what I hear now some Bloods took on some Latin Kings. But that was enough for the administration to punish the whole prison population. As I have said before this new administration has no idea how to run a prison. So I woke up today to another lock down. As messed up as it is I am getting use to the administration denying us recreation for something or the other regularly. My day was profitable though. I started drawing out cards for my kids. I did a back to school theme for my daughter, pencils and books around the out side edge, a little landscape in the bottom back ground, with a hot air balloon floating to the top of the card, I was real happy with how it turned out. Since my son on the last visit was telling me about the hawk getting his chickens. I did a card with a chicken punching out a hawk. Got the idea out of a Disney book that had two chickens fighting in the book. I started on them around one pm today and just finished them up about an hour ago. I ended up passing seven hours of my day drawing and painting two cards, for here it is almost nine-thirty. I am waiting for my radio program to come on now. House of Hair, with Dee Snyder. That is my Sunday night ritual. I was reading the news letter though, before I started writing in the journal tonight and Daniel Harris's theme writing project writing on falling off the edge, really hit me and brought back some memories I try to let go of and forget. Before they sent me here to Jersey I spent three and a half years in Maryland's Super Max. Maryland Correctional Adjustment Center. The isolation, the amount of time you spend in your out head without human contact. Breaks a lot of people, over five years late I still suffer mental defects caused by that place, while there I use to get so caught up in my head and want to talk to someone that I would stop eating. Just to get shipped out of there and go to the hospital where I would have a nurse or a doctor top talk to for a few minutes each day I spent there. The worse defect that I still suffer is the inability to get words out to express my thoughts when holding a conversation, once the conversation picks up speed I stumble over every word that comes out of my mouth. It has made me self conscious to the point I really don't talk all that much anymore. You really do have to have a strong mind to come out of a super max prison unscathed. Over my time there I seen guys break down and be eating there own shit, cutting themselves up. I remember hearing one guy yelling when they were taking him out of the cell after they found him. That he was only cutting himself to make sure he was still alive. Then you would see the guys on death row there. And a course of them went to meet their maker while I was there, as Daniel said super max's are designed to torture you and break your spirit and will to live. Daniel's writing brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings that I haven't dealt with "thank god" for a while. On to other things. Have you heard the song "Photograph" by Nickelback. I like that song, every time I hear it I go back to the streets in my mind. I can picture my neighborhood, my friends of youth. It sends me on a nice trip out of this concrete jungle. Well my radio show just came on so we are closing up now. A good night to all. See ya.

29 August 2005

It is ten of one in the morning and I am just now finishing up my day and settle into my night. Today was a bit eventful, during recreation this afternoon we had a guy fall out from the heat. It took almost a half hour for the cops here to respond and get him out of the yard and on his way to medical. When they put him on the gurney he was still unresponsive. Haven't heard anything as of yet as to whether he is alright or not. Made myself a good meal tonight as far as prison meals go. Had some swag white cheese, so I made a prison lasagna, taking flour tortilla shells and layering them with tomato sauce, cheese and broken up burger. Years ago when I was on the street I wouldn't of touched it but in here it turns out to be a good meal. And on top of that a friend of mine sent me a treat right before lock down, sliced fresh peaches, he had them all sliced up and sugared down in his cooler all day, when I got a hold of them it was like a piece of heaven, they had flavor unlike the canned fruit we are used to eating. I also spent a bit of time and fixed my dream catcher that the cops trashed during their last shake down. And I added a peacock feather to it, every time my aunt writes she will send me some kind of feathers off one of her birds, half the time the mail room throws them away, but here and there they slip through, it was really cool seeing a peacock feather after all these years, I still remember the old ceramic jug she use to have in her living room filled with them when I was a kid. 30 years ago. The hurricane really took its toll on the Gulf states. New Orleans escaped again. Katrina if she would hit that state directly New Orleans would of been wiped off the map. We are all luck there wasn't a whole lot more suffering down there. Well I am done writing for tonight, it is five after one and Jimmy Kimmel just came on, it is time to watch some TV and start taking it down for the night. Have a good one all and we will talk later...