The journal of Sean Poulton

Table of Contents:

03 January 2005

My day started at about 4 am. I couldn't sleep any longer and really this is the best time to be awake. Everyone else is asleep so its peaceful and quiet. I went to "outside" recreation today about 9 am. It was drizzling cold drops of water but the cool fresh air was nice. I'm guessing it was about 40 degrees.

The news is all about the tsunami in India and Sri Lanka. 155,000 reported dead so far and thousands still missing. A tragedy that really makes one consider the end times predicted in the Bible. I'm not very religious myself but I do believe in God. I grew up in a religious home and even attended an academy until 7th grade. So, I know right from wrong, I'm just not very obedient. Enough of the news.

I started this journal on the 3rd because I just received the information in the mail tonight. I guess I've got a little catching up to do. About the only significant things I remember about the weekend are the Colts getting beat! And calling home to talk to my family but the phone is screwed up. Our phone system puts on automatic block on collect calls after the bill reaches a certain amount. My brother and I are both in prison, three hundred miles from home plus my step-father is in the Reserves. Between the three of us, we max the phone bill out pretty quickly.

Sunday is the day I live for. My son visits with my mother and my fiancé who are roommates. So I get to talk to all three of them usually. It really gets under my skin when I can't get through. But the holidays are over so all the bills should be caught up soon. I guess I'm just a little spoiled.

Also, over the weekend I worked on my aptitude test from the Institute of Children's Literature. They have writing instructors and professional editors who teach you to write children's stories, if you pass the aptitude test. Writing is easy for me but learning to write on a level that will entertain and capture the attention of children my son's age, at the same time as relaying some moral, now that will be a challenge. But it's something I really want to do because I feel my son is at a very impressionable age and I'd like him to have some healthy influences. He does have some, Trena, my fiancé , has the biggest heart of anyone I know and she loves him like her own. Plus there is my mother and two older sisters. All of which take part in his life. Still, I'd like to find some way to relate to him. So this is my latest attempt.

So now we come to today. After recreation I watched Sportscenter, of course, then CNN for awhile. It really gets under my skin when I see these liberals on TV talking about how President Bush only donated 350 million to the tsunami disaster relief, when last week the same liberals were complaining about the debt we are in. I know it's a bit of a contradiction for an inmate to like Bush but I don't believe a Democrat would have done what Bush did after 9/11. Until then I was what most people would call a Neo-Nazi or skinhead. Since 9/11 I've changed my views dramatically! I'm now what I call an American Patriot and I don't agree with racism. I saw how all of us were attacked and how all of us responded. That changed my views a lot. I've grown quite a bit in three years.

Anyway, after a little television, I wrote Trena and my son Wesley. Then I got my mail and in it was the information for starting my journal. So here I am. I guess since this is my first entry, I should write a little about myself. 

 
Name: Sean Poulton 
D.O.B: 2/14/73 
Eyes: Brown	Hair: Brown	Style: Long all over and wavy 
Weight: 200	Height: 6'4"	Body type: Tall and thin 
Physical condition: Athletic, I run/jog 2 miles a day and play basketball 
Race: White/Native American	Religion: Christian (non-denominational) 
Distinguishing features: I have several scars from knife fights in prison and I have 7 tattoos, 4 of them are professional quality.  
Educational: G.E.D/48 college credits/ Machine trade (Tool & Dye) 
Negative traits: I tend to bitch a lot and I'm not very disciplined. 
Positive Traits: I love to learn, I'm inquisitive and I have high standards and morals concerning family. 
 
Interests: 
Bands: 80's Metal and Country 
Books: Fantasy and mystery/action 
Sports: Basketball, swimming, diving, and tennis 
Alcohol: No 
Drugs: No

I think this is enough for my first entry. Since I am in isolation at a lock-up facility there aren't a lot of things going on so my journal will be two or three times a week rather than everyday. Hope someone is entertained or laughing!

07 January 2005

It's Friday evening and I just got my mail. My oldest sister Tami, wrote one. I always like hearing from my sisters but I was looking for some other mail and I didn't get it :(. I don't look forward to very much in here. Every day is basically the same. The main difference is that weekends and holidays are a little more relaxed. There isn't any "big wigs" here to cause us problems. But we don't get mail so it sucks.

I'm still waiting on the Christmas pictures. My family, including my son, all met at my sister Leslie's house. I called and they passed the phone around so I got to talk to everyone. My son had a really good Christmas. He lives with his mother in the projects, so he doesn't get many nice things but when he comes to my house everyone spoils him. Trena and I want to get custody of him after we get married. I think Andrea would let us. She is having a really hard time trying to raise 4 kids. Plus, she and I, have a pretty good relationship. She likes Trena and my mom. But then, Trena and I may not even get married. I'm mad at her right now. My mother and her got into an argument on Thanksgiving and Trena took off. She was gone without writing me or anything for 16 days! I was going nuts trying to figure out what was going on. She has never done that before. In over two years, she has never gone for more than a week without writing. When she finally did write she said she figured I'd take my mother's side and she was visiting some relatives and working extra shifts. SO I told her how I felt. I realize people argue, roommates, brothers, andsisters, best friends or whatever, when people are close like that they are gonna disagree. I didn't take anyone's side. I just got mad because the woman who claims to want to get married just disappeared for 16 days. She apologized and said she saw my side of the argument and things got better for a few weeks. But now it's been 10 days since I've heard from her and I'm wondering what's up. Like I said I didn't get any mail today so now I gotta go all weekend wondering. I don't expect her to write every day. She works full time and spends a lot of free time with my son. I know she stays busy. So I don't expect a ten page letter every day. But I do expect a note or something a couple times a week. Even if it's only a half page or a page. Just something to let me know she's still with me.

Enough about that. I do have a couple of things to look forward too. It's the NFL playoffs and my team, the Colts, are playing Sunday. I hope they smash Denver. The Colts could go all the way this year. I hope they do.

Also, I might get a visit. My little brother, my sister and my mom are all gonna visit once the roads clear up. I'm not sure if it will be this weekend or not. I might break down and call them. I hate giving the phone company money because they charge us outrageous prices knowing we want to call our people. It costs about $10.00 for a thirty-minute call. One call a week ends up costing about $40 a month. Isn't that crazy?

Well I think I've rambled on enough for now. I'll write again in a few days.

10 January 2005

Monday, another day is lock-up. Sometimes I think solitary confinement is better than general population. You don't have to deal with all the attitudes and different personalities from all these other guys. But sometimes its worse because there tends to be a lot of mentally unstable people in lock-up unites. I'm not sure if it's the moon or something in the water or what but it seems like whenever one psycho starts acting up, all of them do. My neighbor is a little old black man with not teeth. He is on Prolipin, Artane and three other medications and once in a while he gets the urge to sing. He yells profanities at the top of his lungs and he does it for hours! I'm not a violent person but you can only take so much of that until you're ready to snap. It's those days that I wish I was in general population so I could break his jaw. But in reality that wouldn't help because there are way too many mentally ill in the prison system. A person can't beat them all up. There's another psycho above me who likes to preach out loud at all hours of the night. He calls himself "Dolamite the Right" and he usually gets up around 12:30am to begin his sermon. If we are lucky he quits around 3am but sometimes he goes until breakfast at 7am. The guards know who the crazy people are and they put 2 or 3 on each unit. It seems like they'd be smart to put all the same psycho's in the same unit! But that would be too easy!

I guess that's what I get for being on lock-up. I get out in April and I'll probably be back by May. My problems aren't solved yet. They probably never will be while I'm at Michigan City Prison, an Indiana state prison, which is its real name. To briefly explain that situation, years ago, when I first came to prison I got involved with some of the white gangs. I never actually got into a gang but I associated with them and I got several tattoos that could be considered racist. After several years of doing time I realized that 90% of inmates in prison are pieces of shit. So if you are racist than you eliminate even more people. Anyway, I ended up coming to the conclusion that I will give anyone respect who respects me, regardless of race. So now years later, the white groups don't like it that I have these tattoos and I play basketball and associate with blacks. In truth, these prison gangs are just that, prison gangs. They have nothing to do whatsoever with the "white movement." It's all a bunch of crap. Enough about that stuff.

I've been writing a lot this weekend. I'm trying to finish my first novel. I'm writing a fantasy series. I'm hoping to sell them so I can live out my dreams. I don't necessarily need to be a millionaire or anything. I'd be plenty happy with 10 or 15 acres of land somewhere outside of town. I'd get custody of my son Wesley and his half brother Mitchell. I feel sorry for Mitchell. His father disappeared when he was born. He doesn't know him at all. Anyway, I'd get the boys and we'd build a nice house for us to live in. Then we'd build another house for my mom. That's my dream. I learned to build homes when I was a teenager. I can do anything except plumbing and electric. It's been my dream to build my own home.

The main problem is, I can't sell my books while I'm in here. We can't enter into any contracts. If I did, the state would get any money I made because I'm a ward of the state.

Well I just got my mail. Still nothing from Trena :(. I did get a letter from my grandma. She is in Canada visiting my aunt. As soon as she left, we had a snowstorm so she hasn't had a very good trip. The weather is even worse up there. I feel bad for my grandma. She has been lonely since last December when my grandpa died. He was the head of our family. His death has affected everyone except me. I've been in prison for eleven years now, so I'm disassociated from most of the family. I get a letter occasionally but that's about it. I'm still close to my mother and siblings. I've lost five people in the past seven years that were close to me; my father, his mother, my grandfather on my mom's side and two close friends; Christine and Alyssa. Chris was killed by a drunk driver in 98. Alyssa was raped and murdered in June of '04. Her killer will probably end up at the same prison I'm at. I hope I don't find out who he is. I want to come home but I can't honestly say what I'd do if I was face to face with him. Well I think it's time to wrap this up for now.

14 January 2005

It's cold out. The last time I saw the temperature it was 8 degrees out! That fits my mood. I still haven't heard from Trena. It's been 18 days now. That's the longest I've gone without hearing from her in over 2 years. I guess I'm realizing my relationship is over. That's why I've been so depressed al week. All I've done is lay in bed. I can't blame anyone but myself. I never should have let her in. Prison relationships are too hard to maintain. I went 9 years without getting emotionally involved. I mean I had some girlfriends, including a nurse at a different prison. But I never let my guard down and became emotionally involved. I always knew deep down it wouldn't last. I mean there's no intimacy. I know people, especially women, need someone there to cling to. I couldn't be there to wipe away the tears, or tell her how pretty she was that day she dressed up. I could never hold her when she was worried or protect her when she was scared. I think people need these things. Both men and women need intimacy. I could deal with phone calls and visits because I have to. I've trained myself to. But Trena needs the intimacy. I think she found a man who could offer that. I can't blame her. I'm in prison for something she knew nothing about. We weren't together when I came to prison so I can't expect her to suffer for what I've done. The only thing that bothers me is that I've told her from our very first letters I want to always remain friends. I also told her I only expected one thing, honesty. But now, she has just disappeared on me. It's hard to trust someone who won't speak to you and you can't be friends either. I would rather she wrote and told me she met some nice guy. At least I'd know what the problem was. It's not knowing that's getting to me. I could call her, she lives with my mother but I figure if she wanted to talk to me, she'd write so I won't call her.

I guess maybe I should quit being so down and be thankful for the time we did have together. I'm just glad we didn't get married in September like we had planned. I've been divorced once and I don't want to go through that again. I believe marriage is forever. Too many Americans believe in serial monogamy. I don't. Of course there are certain reasons for divorce I can accept but these reasons are far and few between. My first marriage was terrible. I found out my wife was unfaithful. I still wanted to try and make things work so I didn't divorce her. We separated and I got my own place. I thought we were making progress and I wanted to ask her to move in again. Then she told me she miscarried our baby. I was devastated but my hurt turned rage when I learned the truth. She really aborted my child. After that I quit work, got strung out on dope and ended up in prison. In a matter of months I went from the perfect life, my dream life, to being strung out on acid and going on a crime spree to support my habits. I don't remember much about the days before my arrest. I remember when I was arrested, I had eaten 30 hits of acid in 4 days and I was drinking 151 straight out of the bottle. Plus I was snorting coke like it was candy.

I was just sitting here thinking about my journal and the things I've written so far. It seems like all I've done is whine.

In reality, I do have some awesome things in my life. My family is the best! I'm the only bad one in the family. My oldest sister is an RN and is married with one child. My middle sister is married with three children and a good job. My baby brother just got out of the Air Force and is basically being lazy. But he's 21, so I guess I gotta expect that. I'm trying to talk to him into going to college. I think he will in 6 months or a year. He's gotta get some of the piss and vinegar out of his system.

My son is health and loves me. My mom is always beside me, helping me through life. So it's not like my whole life is shit. There are some bright spots. My mom just hired a lawyer to get me out of here. It will take a couple of years but I've already done 11, so I can do a few more. I think I've written enough for now. Stay tuned for more.

17 January 2005

It's been snowing off and on for 2 days. We have about four or five inches out. I wish I could go play in it like when I was a kid. Hell, I wish I could rewind time to when I was 16. I'd stay in school and go to college. I still can't figure out why I quit. Some of the best times in my life were in High School. I was popular and I made decent grades when I wanted to. The main reson I quit was because of money. I've always been able to et good jobs and the summer of my 15th year was a good one. I was framing houses and learning to roof. Hell I was making as much money as my mother who was an L.P.N. at the time. Then I had to go back to school. That stunk! So, as soon as I turned 16 I quit school and went to work. I wasn't old enough for the bar scene so eventually my social life fell off. Now that I'm almost 32 I regret not going to prom or going to college. From what I hear, college is a blast. Plus the work I have learned to do is fine for youngsters, it pays good, but I can't see nailing shingles at 50 years old.

Luckily, I have used my time in prison to become a certified tool & dye maker, and I've gotten a G.E.D and have 48 college credits from Ball State. One more semester and I'll have my Associates. That's if I can stay out of trouble. You can't go to college from lock-up!

Today is a holiday. Martin Luther King Day. I'm not some uber-racist but I don't see the reason to celebrate some womanizing criminal. I don't agree with Columbus Day either. I mean he didn't even land where he was trying land! Besides the fact that he didn't discover America. I mean, weren't the Vikings fishing the Eastern Shores of North America? And it seems to me that the Native Americans discovered America.

To me, most holidays are just more days that we don't get mail. I guess it doesn't matter now. I wrote Trena and told her not to write me any "I'm Sorry" letters cause I'm not trying to hear it. So I guess we are over. That really sucks but I can't let a woman drive me over the edge again like I did in 93. That landed me in prison! I do lover her and I'd do just about anything for her but my goal is going home to my family. My son and his little brother are priorities now and I can't let a woman screwing with my head jeopardize that.

My son's little brother doesn't have a father that plays any role in his life. He needs someone so I plan on doing all I can for him. I know what it's like to grow up without a father. My dad was a drunk! When he died at about 55 years old, he didn't have a car, home, job or wife. He was totally committed to alcohol. I don't want little Mitchell or my son Wesley to grow up that way.

Anyway, back to the mail. I just paid to run an ad on the internet for Pen-Pals. So, hopefully I'll find some interesting people to correspond with. I'm not looking for romance and I don't need money, so hopefully I'll meet some interesting people. I just want letters and maybe some pictures I love to see the outside world. Trena used to take pictures of everything from cars to trees. I'll miss that.

Well tomorrow is another working day. That means all the big wigs will be here and it means that the guards will be shaking down. Last week I got shook down three times! I don't have anything illegal but it still sucks! They always tear my bed up, mix up my clean laundry with my dirty laundry, tear my pictures up and mess the place up. I have what's considered "mild" obsessive, compulsive disorder. But when it comes to my cell, it's a major issue! All my books are arranged from the largest to the smallest, all my laundry is neatly folded, my floor is spotless etc. So whenever I get shook down it takes several hours for me to set my house straight! I can't sleep or write or do anything if its messed up. But it's a lock-up unit, that's what they do. If I wasn't a big dummy, I wouldn't be here. It's hard to believe that this is the most hard core prison in the state! Well, actually there are two level 5 prisons. One is called the S.H.U. (Secured Housing Unit) and this one is M.C.C (Maximum Central Complex). I've been to both. The S.H.U is closer to my house and it's more laid back than here. But neither place allows you to have commissary! I can't wait till my year is up in May. I've got a little money saved up and I'm gonna order about a hundred dollars in chips, cookies, cokes and coffee and eat for a month! This place has the best food of any prison I've been to but they don't give you enough to get full. I'm hungry all day everyday. It sucks.

I'm adding a new section to my journal. I'm gonna set one goal a month. Some habit I have that I want to change. So this month I'm gonna work on cursing. For some reason I've started cussing a lot! I can see if I smashed my finger and said "shit" or something like that. What I mean is that I say "fuck" every other word. It's bad enough that I'm in prison. I don't have to sound like a degenerate too! So my goal for Jan. is stop general purpose cussing. Well, I gotta finish a letter to my boy, so I'm gone for now. I'll be back in a few days.

18 January 2005

It's not my normal day to write in my journal but today has been eventful and a little scary. So I thought I'd unload some garbage.

It all started with a movie. They show us two or three movies a week here, and today was the movie "Troy." I've read the story but the movie had some parts in it that really made me think. Achilles talks a lot about mortality and leaving something behind to be remembered by. I guess maybe that is a lot of people's dream but for me it's different. I want to get out of prison before I die because I don't want to be the stain in my family's line. I want to be a father, a husband, a son, and a man. I don't need fame and I sure don't want infamy. Just to be remembered as a good man.

So as I'm thinking about this, pondering mortality, I hear the police start screaming on their radios. A man in cell 105, which is only four cells away from me, had a heart attack. He is a 60 year old man named Donald Locke. We call him Mr. Duck because he has a limp that causes him to pitch forward with every step and it resembles a duck or chicken pecking with its beak or bill. He has been in prison for 31 years. He came in as a young man in 1974 and now he's laying in a cell alone and dying. I believe they found him in time so he probably won't die but still he is slowly dying regardless. He has life in prison.

In 1993 a man pulled a gun on me and my brother killed him. It wasn't planned or anything and I freaked out. WE took his money and guns with the intention of running but we got caught. Because I would not tell on my brother they convicted me of murder and robbery too. Even after my brother admitted to it and the court proved he did it, in Indiana, anyone at the crime scene is guilty of that crime. Period. I'm not totally innocent. Our intentions weren't good and we shouldn't have been there anyway but I'm not guilty of murder. Still, I have a 70 year sentence. I have to serve half of that which is 35 years. I was convicted when I was 20 years old. That makes me 55 when I get out. I am still fighting the courts and I have about a seventy-five percent chance of getting my sentence reduced and getting out in 2010. But you never know what could happen. It's scary to think that that man on the floor dying could be me. Cold and alone. What happens if I don't get any sentence reduced? That scares me. I don't talk to my family about it because they all believe the courts will do the right thing. But its that same small town courtroom that gave me all this time for my first felony ever. I did get a public intoxication charge at 17 but that was a misdemeanor not a felony.

It's humiliating to be almost 32 years old and have to depend on my family for everything. What kind of man am I? You can't be in prison and be a real man. These idiots in here believe that if you can fight real good, or you've killed someone or you have some dope to sell that that makes them men. They think they are men when their children are growing up without their fathers, their mothers grow old without their sons and their wives are lonely and working their asses off trying to provide. These people don't realize what manhood is.

They look down at me because I'm not a hustler or a con man. I don't fight when someone runs their mouth because I don't care what they think of me. But then they think they see weakness so they try to exploit me or physically attack me. That's when they realize I am a survivor. Before prison I only had two or three fights in my life. But in the past 11 years I've had a lot of fights. I've been stabbed, cut open, had broken bones, and have stabbed and broken bones myself. I hate it. I wish I could do my time without all the punks around me.

A person can survive in prison but you can never live here or be a man here. It's a different world than you can ever imagine unless you've seen it. I was 20 years old and weighed about 170 pounds when I saw my first stabbing. It was the man in front of me in the lunch line, on my first day of prison. He was stabbed with an ice pick in the lung. That's when I knew I was in hell.

19 January 2005

It just keeps getting worse in this place. I got my cell searched again. I still didn't have anything illegal but the bitch ass police tore a couple of my photographs up just to be dicks. They also took all my ink pens and my Styrofoam cup. Just to be asses! They wouldn't do that shit in a normal prison cause they'd get the shit beat out of them. But in this place, you have to stick your arms out of the cell before they open your door. Then its two of them against you and you are cuffed behind the back. Then they talk shit and harass you. Most of the guards are pretty decent. They do their job and that's it but there are a few who just don't like inmates. They always have a smart ass remark to say and they harass you every chance they get. The main one is Midkiff. I've never cussed at him or said anything out of the way but he still fucks with me. I swear if I could catch him one on one I'd break his jaw. I ain't tough and I'm really not a violent person but I can only be pushed so far. When it comes to intentionally tearing up photographs of my son and Trena, well use your imagination.

Damn, now they're beating up my partner! He was at recreation and they handcuffed him and he was holding his address book. Midkiff tried to yank it out of his hand because we aren't allowed to take anything to recreation with us. But Midkiff just snatched it. So when they opened the door, my guy J.L., ran up and tried to head butt Midkiff. So officer McGuilde grabbed J.L. from behind and Midkiff started punching him in the stomach and face. He hit him so many times he broke his hand. J.L. was wrong but he didn't deserve to get beat!

20 January 2005

I had to go last night cause I was so mad I couldn't write. Today is the same shit with the police. I went to the shower and they tore my cell up again! That's five times in a week. That's harassment!

But, I did get some awesome news. I got five letters from Trena today. All the post marks were from 1/8 and 1/10. I guess this place has been holding my mail. More harassment. I mean I know it doesn't take twelve days to get from the post office to me. Regardless, these people can't ruin my mood today. I thought I'd lost the best thing in my life and today I find out she's still by my side! I hope I haven't screwed this up with her though. I wrote her last week and gave her a piece of my mind. I mean I hadn't received a letter from her in 24 days. I was pretty upset. I thought she had messed around on me and was too ashamed to write. I doubted her fidelity and I told her that I doubted her love. The whole time she really was writing. I feel like such an ass! I hope I haven't screwed us up.

I'm gone for now. I have five letters to respond to and some apologies to make. More later.

26 January 2005

Here I am again. I'm sitting in front of my window watching the snow fall as I write. We already have 8 or 10 inches from a couple of days ago and now it's snowing again! The snow hides all the razor wire and fences so I like it. It makes everything look clean and white.

I got some more excellent news last Friday. I got five letters from Trena. Two of them were postmarked 1/8/05 and the other three were postmarked 1/10/05. I hadn't heard from her in 23 days and I honestly thought she had left me. Come to find out this place was holding her letters for some reason. I still don't know why I received letters from my mother in Kentucky and my grandmother in Canada, on time. Plus, I got all my magazines on time. The only mail they held was hers. It really sucks because I wrote her a pretty shitty letter about a week and a half ago. I was hurt and mad so I went off a little. I hope I haven't really screwed things up. As soon as I got her letters I wrote and tried to explain. So I'm hoping she will understand. We've been together over two years and we've been friends for over 20 years. I guess we shall see. I have high hopes. I think after she reads my letters she will understand. At least I hope.

I'm sitting here listening to this old man a few cells away. He argues with the guards about everything! If chow is 20 minutes late he swears his civil rights are being violated. If he gets too hot or too cold, he thinks the prison has a conspiracy to make him suffer. It sounds hilarious, I know, but it gets old after hours and hours of listening to it. He writes Ombudsmen, Congressmen, governors and anyone else he can get an address to. He probably sends out 10 letters a night. The worst part is that when there is a legitimate complaint, no one will listen to him because he "cries wolf" too often. But he's been in prison over 30 years and you can't tell him anything. These lock-up units are full of psychos. I know there are all these horror stories about guards beating people up but sometimes one can't blame them. I mean these guys in here throw feces and urine on them, cuss them out, talk about their mothers and children, spit on them and all sorts of other stuff. I served 13 months on lock-up at the S.H.U. and I've been here for about 16 months total and I've never been beaten up by the guards. Hell, there's only 3 or 4 guards that I don't get along with. Don't get me wrong, it's always us against them no matter what the situation is but when you sit down and look at it logically, you see that most of this shit is brought on by themselves. I just get tired of listening to the psychos.

I guess I should quit complaining so much myself. I try to stay positive and really I am positive most of the time. I've got some good things happening in my life right now. I'm getting ready to go back to court and hopefully give some of this time back. It will be nice to go back to my county jail. I'll be close to home and I'll get to see all of my family. I'm about 200 miles away from home now so I don't get to see my nieces and nephews. I see my sisters about once a year and my mom, brother, son, and fiancé come up about every two months. In my county jail I can have 4 visits a week and its only about 10 miles from home. I'm sure some of my old friends will visit too. I used to be popular. I have two older sisters who are both beautiful. They went to high school before me, so when I went, everyone knew my name so I was automatically popular. I always dated my sister's friends which helped too. Even as a freshman, I didn't have to ride the bus. I went to Pizza Hut on Senior skip day with all the seniors when I was in 9th grade and I'm engaged to my sister's best friend now. Trena is 36, I'm only 31. Well I'll be 32 on February 14th. I fell like I'm getting old! It's weird when you have 11 years of memories from prison but you only feel about 20 years old. I was 20 when I came to prison. Well I'm going to bed. I'll write again in a few days.

28 January 2005

Damn, no mail from Trena. It's been over a week since I got her letters and wrote her back letting her know how I felt. I was hoping to have heard something by now. I don't want to give up on us but it's hard keeping the faith when I don't know what's going through her head.

I love country music but I keep hearing these love songs that make me think of Trena. It's really fucked up because I know we are meant for each other. If I wasn't in prison, I know we could be so happy together. But how can I expect her to sacrifice for me? I want her to be happy. I love her smile but the truth is she could probably find more happiness with a man who wasn't in prison.

I know some people reading this probably think I'm insane. I'm a convicted murderer and I'm writing about my love for a woman and how it's all slipping through my fingers. It's like trying to hold water in your hand. You want it, you need it, and you know it's life sustaining but it keeps slipping away. It slides through the cracks and the tighter you clench, the more cracks you created.

Sometimes I wonder if this eternal hunger for life is justice in the Lord's eyes, justice for things I've done. I was married once and I wasn't the perfect husband. I had good jobs and I took them for granted. My family always supported me and I let them down. You see it's easy for me to say my life was so horrible, my wife was so unfaithful, my dad was a drunk, on and on but its no excuse. I had chances in life. But when I look in the mirror I find no one to blame except myself. It's my own shit I smell.

I see the problem, I see the cause but then my sight becomes narrow. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to carry on with life. Sometimes I want to work hard and fight for my freedom but sometimes I get so tired of the fight and I think how easy it would to give up and become a statistic. I'm confused. I don't fit in, in this place. My mind doesn't work like the people I'm surrounded by. I'm a stranger here. But I know I could fit in. I'd have to give up the fight and become an inmate. I could do it. But then I think of my won who's growing up without a father. I think of my dreams of my wife and family and I think of life. And again I'm running around in circles. A dog chasing my tail.

I hope that anyone reading this realizes that all inmates aren't evil people. Some of us are just confused lost souls. Some of us are normal everyday people with normal fears and normal goals. I'm guessing that if anyone is reading this, they are probably college students. If so, I'd like to give you a little advice. Get up and go to your mirror. Look in it and look at yourself. Does the person you see there, make you happy? Are you satisfied? If not, you need to make the changes necessary to be happy with yourself. You can never love or respect until you love and respect you. It's important to make these changes now before its too late.

When I look in the mirror I see the man I feared when I was a child. I've become that person. All my scars are so ugly. The things I've seen and heard in this place are ugly.

One more thing before I go for the night. Don't feel sorry for me. I made my choices in life. Now I'll deal with them. We all have the chance to take control of our lives. So do it!

01 February 2005

I don't have anything serious or deep to say today. My brain is not into writing anymore. I finally heard back from my fiancé. She wants to work things out. That has been my focus writing all day. I'm so glad to hear she's still with me. After my wedding in 93 turned out to be a disaster I built up walls to protect myself. I had some girlfriends and even met a nurse and a guard in prison who I was intimate with but I never allowed my emotions to get involved. But when Trena walked into my life its like I was naked and helpless. We got serious quick and resistance was futile. But she gave me life. I was surviving before but I wasn't alive. She showed me there was some reason to fight for freedom and some hope for love and happily ever after. For longer than two years out relationship has grown and then I didn't hear from her in 23 days. I was hurt and angry so I wrote her some ugly letters. Then I found out she had been writing the whole time but for some reason this prison was holding her mail. I ended up getting 5 letters on the 20th of January that were postmarked 1-8-05 and 1-10-05. Then I got two more letters on the 21st, one of which was late. Now I felt like an ass because she hadn't written and I told her off and the whole time she had been writing. Luckily she waited for my letter explaining the reason I was upset and she forgave me. Needless to say this month has been very emotional. Today is the 1st of February, hopefully this month will be better. I'm just glad Trena is still with me.

We still have quite a bit of snow on the ground but the temperature has been in the mid to high 30's. So its tolerable. Me and my recreation partner, J.L. went outside this morning at 4am. Every four days we have recreation at 4am, the rest of the time recreation starts around 9am. Anyway, went out and walked. It's pretty nice to get out and get fresh air. Luckily this prison is basically in the country. We are about 40 miles east of Chicago and 10 or 15 miles south of Lake Michigan. The air is pretty nice around here.

Speaking of the country, I'm from the country in case you haven't noticed. I was raised about 15 miles outside of Louisville, Kentucky. Corn fields, and horses, and home grown weed! But I love it anyway. I can't wait to go back. I'm so sick of gangs, thugs, punks, and other stupid people. I've been surrounded by these people for more than 11 years and I hate it. I'm tired of playing cops and robbers. I'm ready to go home!

I guess I'm done for the day. I'm gonna kick back and watch a ball game. I'll write more in a few days.

03 February 2005

Here I am again. Today has been a decent day. I got up early and cleaned my cell real good then I watched a movie called Alien v. Predator. I loved it but it wasn't long enough! After that, me and my recreation partner J.J. went outside. There's still a little snow but it was about 40 with no wind. Then I came back in and took a hot shower. We only get three showers a week here so I tend to take long ones.

I did get a little bad news. One of the few guards that I like got moved to a different unit. That sucks because there aren't many guards here that are cool. This guard used to warn me when we got our cells searched and she brought me rubber bands for my hair. I haven't cut my hair since 9/11/01. Needless to say, I need to pull it back once in a while. There is a guy above me who got into an argument with this female officer. He cussed her out so she cussed him out and the inmate got mad and wrote the Major. He snitched on her for warning us about cell searches and about trafficking. So now she's gone and we have some evil woman down here. Oh well, that's life in prison.

I got letters from my mom and fiancé tonight. They are roommates and they had a big fight over Thanksgiving. Then Trena and I had some problems so mom naturally took my side, which made their relationship even tougher. But today they both talked about each other a lot, so I think they are getting along better. I'm glad too. I mean they are my favorite women, I want them to befriends. I also found out that my mom, my two older sisters, my son, and Trena are all coming to visit on the 12th and 13th. It's my birthday present. I'll be 32 on the 14th. It's still so hard for me to believe I've been in prison since I was 20 years old! I've missed out on a lot. I can remember my little brother was 9 and was grabbing me crying the day I was arrested. Now he is 6'7" tall and 21 years old! I dream of getting out and playing ball with him. I'm only 6'4", so he thinks he can abuse me but in reality, I'd take him to school! He's too young. I keep trying to tell him basketball is a thinking game. Being white you have to be a damn good player to play in prison. I can go to any prison in the state and walk on the court and get a game. I'd really like to test myself against some college players. That would be fun. I might be over 30 but I can still run two miles, then play six games of ball and run two more miles. I've lost a little weight in the 9 months I've been in isolation but I'll get it back when I get out of lock-up. Hurry up May 11th! I can't wait to get a contact visit. I haven't hugged my mom or kissed my girl in 9 months :(. Once again I'll put the pen down. I've done quite a bit of writing already today. Never fear I'll be back at you soon.

08 February 2005

The past week has been crazy. It's like there was a full moon for a week. The guards have been acting like asses and the inmates have been screaming, kicking doors, and flooding the ranges. It's been crazy. I had my cell searched six times in eight days. Out of all that, all they found was 8 Benadryls that the doctor gave me. I wasn't taking them so I got a write-up for "misuse of medication." I said, "misuse, I wasn't using them at all!" But the prisoner is always guilty until proven innocent. So of course I was found guilty. They gave me one month recreation restriction and they are taking my TV for 90 days. How crazy is that? They'll probably come and put a plate over my electrical and cable plugs today. I don't really care about the TV it's just the point. Some of these idiots throw urine, feces or food on guards, kick the doors, scream all night, smoke cigarettes or weed or any number of other violations but the guards bust me for Benadryl. Oh well, I get out of this place May 11th. I'll go back to a regularly run prison. I'll be glad too! I can't wait to get a contact visit and hug my momma and my girl and my son! It's hard enough for Wesley to understand me being in prison but then I get sent here when I can't get contact visits.

Thinking about Wesley makes me think about what I told him when he asked why I was here. When he was younger his mother met a man and disappeared for about 5-1/2 years. They have just come back into my life in the past year. Wesley finally got old enough to demand to see me. So Andrea called my mother. Ever since the day he came back into my life, I worried about what I'd tell him when he asked. I still haven't told him I'm accused of murder. I told him I was young and I didn't use my head. I was mad at the world and I was eating acid like candy and snorting cocaine like Capone. I ended up in a bad situation and made all the wrong choices. I know an 11 year old boy doesn't understand that but I don't think he'd understand if I said I'm accused of murder but I didn't do it, the courts know I didn't do it but I was there and I didn't use a gun to shoot the killer, who is my older brother. Believe it or not, the prosecutor at my trial asked me, "why didn't you shoot him?"

Anyway I don't want to claim complete innocence. I was there and my intentions were wrong but murder was never the plan. Still I want him to know how important it is to always use your head. TO be honest, I don't see a problem with weed or alcohol, except for legal issues. But I do think there is a time and a place and moderation is essential. My problem is how do I explain my opinions to an 11 year-old boy? It would be different if I were out there. I would teach him more by my actions than my words.

I'm extremely lucky to have an awesome family who takes time with him. Also, Trena loves him like her own. She visits him quite a bit, usually stopping by his place once a week and spending time with him when he visits on weekends. Trena isn't rich but she's a hard worker, she's honest and she has a huge heart! All are traits I think are good for him to learn.

I can't wait until the 12th and 13th. My two sister, my mom, Trena, and Wesley are all driving up to visit me. It's 300 miles one way so usually it's just my mom, Trena and Wesley but my sisters are coming this time because its my birthday. I haven't seen them in over a year. They write, send pictures and money but its not the same as seeing them. I'm pretty excited. It sucks that I'll be wearing handcuffs, shackles and talk on a telephone through a piece of plexi-glass but I'll take what I can get. I'm praying that I'll get sent south when I leave here. When I was at Pendleton it was only 100 miles away and Trena came up every 14 days. That was nice. But as always I got into trouble and they kicked me out of that prison. They said I covered up a camera. But nothing happened at the time I supposedly covered a camera. The investigator was mad at me for other reasons and he used that as an excuse. So to be an ass he sent me as far North as possible. 300 miles from home. I'm not an angel. I don't claim to be but I don't hang out in gangs, I don't deal in drugs or homosexuals or do anything that's really bad. I used to smoke cigarettes which is against the rules in prison and that caused me some problems. I also like to eat so I used to buy a lot of food illegally from the kitchen. Onions, tomatoes, ground beef, cheese, butter, eggs, etc. But I mean come on, there are guys in there who rape young white guys every chance they get. There are people buying and selling crack, heroine, morphine, and oxycontins. I swear I've seen more drugs in prison that I ever saw on the streets. I've seen lawn mower blades made into knives, cell phones, condoms, anything you can think of. And I still get portrayed as a bad guy.

OK, enough whining. Sorry about that. I guess I just wanted to unload. I don't normally bitch and whine so much. I guess it's just because I have a captive audience.

15 February 2005

Here I am again. It's been a rough week and I don't like to write when I'm mad because it seems like all I do is whine. But for some reason I can't shake these feelings so I decided to write anyway.

My birthday sucked! I'm glad it's over. I still can't believe I'm 32 years old. I'm growing old in this place!

I was supposed to get a visit from my two sister, mom, fiancé and son. I haven't seen my sisters in almost two years. Something came up with one of them so the whole trip was postponed. I'm not mad at them, I just can't figure out why they don't plan things better. I mean its been two years! I think that their lives move so fast and they've grown so far apart from me that it isn't as big a deal to them as it is to me. A perfect example is Christmas pictures. It's mid-Feb and still no one has sent me any Christmas pictures. They all spent it together, laughing and enjoying each others company, to them it's over and done with but to me it's important. I wasn't there and I'd like to see my son celebrating with my family. But how do I explain the importance to them without them thinking I'm ungrateful? I really do consider myself blessed to have the family I have! I don't take them for granted but it's still hard to watch them live their lives while I'm in cold storage. Sometimes I think it might be easier to be in here without them. It doesn't take me long to change that line of thought though.

I got a conduct report for "misuse of medication" because I didn't take the Benadryl the doctor gave me. It's a bullshit write-up but I got hit on it anyway. So for my Birthday they came and unplugged my TV because of the conduct report. Happy Birthday!

Plus I didn't get any mail from my girl! Needless to say, yesterday sucked! But today is a new day so hopefully things will be better. I'm hoping I get to go to recreation late so I can call home and talk to my mom and Trena.

I was just reading my Newsweek and there are a couple of articles about Social Security. Of course there are conflicting stories on how long it will last etc. etc. I'm curious what will really happen. I wrote Trena and asked if she had a retirement plan at her job. She works for I.U. I told her she needs to look into IRA's and other ways to secure her own future. My mom is a nurse and has worked since she was 19 years old, sometimes two jobs but now her body is worn out and I can't help wondering what will happen to her in 5 or 10 years when she can't work anymore. Hopefully I'll be out and can help to take care of her. God knows she has taken care of me all my life. There isn't much else happening to I'm gone for now. More later.

22 February 2005

The full moon isn't until the 24th but I swear if you were here, you'd think it was today! Everyone is acting crazy. It started with the guards. They didn't feed up lunch. I've been down almost 12 years and I've never seen anything like that before. We were having garbage anyway, it's just the point. So of course all the inmates started going nuts. Banging, kicking, and yelling. I understand that everyone was mad, hell I was too but all that banging on stuff and flooding the range, it only hurts us. The guards don't give a crap about it. I'm the one who has to take all my property and put it on my bed so it doesn't get wet. I've got an obsession with learning so I've got a lot of books. I don't want them to get wet so I gotta fold my mattress back and put my books on my rack. It's just a pain!

I did get some good news, sort of. I had written this place called the Children's Institute of Literature in an attempt to take a writing course. I feel I'm a decent writer and I've written a novel already but it's an adult novel. It's fantasy, with dragons, wizards, and warriors but its graphic, not something I would let my 11 year old son read. So I've always wanted to be able to write in a way that he could relate to and would find interesting.

Anyway this place sent me a 4 page aptitude test and the last question was to write a 500 word children's story. My first problem was telling a story with some positive moral in 500 words! Then there's the fact that I don't know how to write to children. It takes a seriously conscious effort to keep from cussing when I write these journals. I have developed a terrible mouth in here and I'm really trying to work on it. I don't mind the occasional cuss word but not every other word. Anyway, I was a little overwhelmed by the test so I kept putting it off. I set the test on my desk and I looked at it every day when I sat down to write until finally I said screw it and wrote a rough draft about a little boy who finds a turtle crying. When he talks to the turtle, the turtle talks back and explains that his momma cut herself on a soda can and is really hurt. So they take her to the vet and he fixes her up but when he takes her back to the pond he notices all the trash around it. So for summer break he gets his friends to help him clean it up. The city even donates tow big trash barrels to help against pollution. Anyway the institute wrote back and loved my story. You can't imagine how proud I was to hear that! It made my day then I was quickly deflated when I realized the course costs $675. I'm in lock-up so I can't work but even if I could, in prison you only get paid about 25 cents an hour. When you only make 40 or 45 bucks a month, $675 is a lot of money. It really sucks because I've worked for money since I was 13 years old. I've had career jobs, been in unions, and made fourteen dollars an hour when I was eighteen years old. That was good money in 91. I never depended on anyone and now I'm writing letters trying to get people to help me. It's so humiliating. I'm not really asking for charity. It's all tax deductible so it is basically an interest free loan but so far, none of the companies I have written have responded. It's really a bummer!

I just heard a new song by my girl Gretchen Wilson. It's called "Home Wrecker." I love it. I swear she reminds me of my girl so much. Trena is country to the bone but she's still hot! Gretchen Wilson has a song called "Redneck Woman" where she says "Don't want purple hooter-shooter, give a jack and coke and I'll be fine," then she says "I may not be a 10 but all the boys say I clean up nice." In her new song she's talking about calling some girl out to the front yard for messing with her man. She says, "Honey I may be Christian but if you don't stop I'm gonna be kicking your pretty little ass." I can picture Trena doing that. She's 4'11" and weighs 115 or something but she ain't scared to scrap. Before I came to prison I had been in trouble with the police one time. I was 17 and I was in a car with Trena. She and I, along with another girl had drank a fifth of Jim Beam in about 30 minutes and we were plastered. We decided we wanted to shoot some pool and of course we got pulled over. The cops are trying to make Trena take a breathalyzer and she ain't having it. She kicks the cop between the legs and pushes him down. Then she squares off with the second one. Needless to say we went to jail. I was only 17 so I didn't really get in trouble. They game me three months probation and called my mom.

I guess anyone reading this thinks I'm crazy. The way I think of something then take off on these little tangents. You've got to remember though that all I have are these memories and I cherish them. There's not much that's happened to me in the past 12 years that I want to remember. Well this concludes this installment of "Thoughts from a deranged mind." :) More in a few days.

27 February 2005

I'm back again. It's been a long week. The natives have been rioting all weekend and I haven't gotten a letter from Trena all week. But I called her yesterday and talked for about 45 minutes. I thought maybe she was upset with me but she swears she's been writing. For some reason this prison plays a lot of games with our mail. Sometimes I'll get a letter from my mom in two days but it takes a week for a letter from Trena. They are roommates so the mail comes from the same address! On Jan 21st I received five letters from Trena and two of them were postmarked January 8th, and the other three were postmarked January 10th. So my question is why did it take thirteen days to get them from the post office to me? Then of course I have some security issues so I always think the worst when I don't get a letter for a week. I guess it's just hard for me to believe someone loves me for me. Lord knows I have nothing else to offer. But like I said, I talked to her and she assured me she wasn't upset with me. It probably sounds clichéd and soft as hell but I can't help it when she says "I love you." It just does something for me.

The news just came on the radio and they are interviewing someone from C.A.P.S (Child Abuse Protective Services) They said that in the past fiscal year there have been 56 child abuse deaths in Indiana. You know it's stuff like that makes me believe in the death penalty! There was a little girl, 9 years old who was taken from her own bedroom while she slept in Florida last week. They still haven't found her. The person who did that should be shot in the head and dumped in the river. No tombstone or anything. I just can't imagine hurting a little child. I'm a freak and I love sex but I just don't understand how a person could be excited by a little kid. It doesn't make sense to me. I remember when my step-daughter was three years old. She was so trusting and loving. She wanted to give everybody hugs, even strangers. She'd wrap her little arms around you and she always had such an innocence. I'm not violent and I'm not a killer but I believe I could be if someone had done something to hurt her.

Wanna know the worst part about prison? When I was at Pendleton the guy who ran the Chaplain's office was a guy named Jim Nidemour. He was convicted of eleven counts of child molestation. Two were his own children and the other nine were children in the church he was a minister at. You had to deal with this animal anytime you dealt with the prison's church. Same way with the commissary department. The clerk was a child molester who molested his two girls. He has pictures of them on his wall! Isn't that crazy? These guys have positions of authority in prison. It's sickening because we are force to deal with these people.

I gotta change the subject. That stuff gets me so mad. I think I'm gonna wrap this up for now. Never fear, I'm not gone for long.

03 March 2005

Another day in the life of me. I shouldn't be so down. I'm looking out my 4 inch window and I can see the clean white snow that's just barely covering the ground. I love snow. I can also see Canadian Geese. They have just started coming back. I never realized how big they were! Plus to make things better, it's Thursday which means only two more days until I get my visit. Actually I have three visits in two days. Saturday I will see my sexy fiancé and my sister Leslie which is her best friend. Then Sunday morning my mother and oldest sister Tami are visiting and Sunday afternoon it will be my little brother and my niece. I haven't seen either of my sisters in about two years. It's so hard for them because its 300 miles one way. They have jobs, homes, and children so it's hard for them to just take a 600 mile road trip. I understand but it still sucks. When I was at Pendleton it was only about 100 miles and my girl Trena came up every 14 days. Everyone else came up every couple of months. But I guess I sabotaged myself. I was hustling and selling a little tobacco, running a store and housing a poker game. The prison never actually caught me at it but they knew. So they sent me as far north as possible to punish me. They sure made their point. Screw the money I was making, I'd give it all up to go south again and have regular visits with my family.

Some people may say it serves me right and I can't deny it was my fault but at the same time try to understand how humiliating it is to be a 32 year old man and have your family support you financially. It doesn't make what I did right, it's just a reason for my actions. I am blessed to have an awesome family though. They do take good care of me. We've always had a very close family. We've always looked out for each other. I'm extremely lucky to have them. They take care of my son too. How awesome is that? Trena spoils him a little but I'm not mad.

I swear Indiana must be the pedophile capitol of the world! I'm listening to the news as I write and I just heard how local authorities set up a web site sting and caught like 8 men going to a certain destination to meet up with twelve and thirteen year old children they met on the internet. Imagine their surprise when they meet the police instead! I swear its crazy in prison. You hear about all these killers and hardcore prisoners then you look around and see all the child molesters have the best jobs in prison. The yard jobs are always occupied by Aryans, Gangster Disciples, or Latin Kings but all the rest of the clerks jobs or other good jobs are pedophiles only. That doesn't make sense to me. If a guy buys a cigarette and can't pay for it you might see him get raped by gang bangers over 2 or 3 dollars but these tough guys let repeat sex offenders run the prison! I usually don't get into why a person is in prison, it's not my business and most of the cases make me sick. I don't mean to imply that I'm better than anyone else but my situation is a little different. A man pulled a gun on me so my brother killed him. I wouldn't testify against my brother so we both got murder convictions. It wasn't like I was selling dope to kids, molesting kids, raping women, or having shoot outs. I think this is part of the reason its so hard for me to fit in inside these walls. I don't have that criminal mindset. Well once again I'm gonna close this up for now. Thanks for reading my crazy writings.

07 March 2005

Another day in paradise. The natives are restless as usual. I woke up to several guys arguing. They were calling each other bitches and hos! It's crazy. In lock-up, no one can get to you. It's solitary confinement 24 hours a day. So guys can say anything they want I came from behind the wall, where the word "bitch" will get you stabbed or beaten with locks on belts. I've seen it dozens of times. So the guys in here sit behind these doors and scream and yell or kick on the doors all day. Its insane. I'm just glad my segregation time is up May 11th.

I guess I'm probably still down because I didn't get my visit this past weekend. I was expecting a visit Saturday and one on Sunday too. So Saturday morning I'm sitting in the visitation booth in handcuffs and shackles for 2 hours waiting. No one showed. I was worried that something bad happened. It's a long trip and I have a bad habit of thinking the worst. So I didn't sleep all night. Finally, I went to recreation on Sunday and called home. One of my sisters fell out with her husband. He's an ass! He has beaten her up a couple of times. I guess he will get away with it until she leaves him or I come home. Anyway, she ended up backing out on the trip and then the IRS decided to hit my mom. She breeds Chinese Cresteds puppies and I guess she made too much money doing it last year. So no she owes a bunch of back taxes. So between the two events, my family decided to wait a few weeks. Of course I'm not mad at them but it still sucks none the less.

Between all the arguing and not getting my visit, I'm not in a very good mood. But I got a nice note in the mail today letting me know that someone was actually reading my journal entries. That was cool. Plus I received an 8 page letter from Trena. I always like hearing from her. I talked to her for about 30 minutes on the phone yesterday too! I think she's almost about ready to move out of my mos. My step-dad is an ass an she's always making comments about where she is going or what she's doing. I told her she needs to get out once in a while to relax and have some fun but if she tries to go out my step-dad makes her feel guilty. I trust her 100% if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be with her. I'd go crazy sitting in this cell wondering what she was doing out there. Anyway, she's tired of his shit and I don't think she likes the dogs either. My mom has 5 bitches and 2 studs. The puppies sell for $1500 a piece so its awesome money but I wouldn't like 7 dogs running around under my feet all the time either.

Tomorrow is a new day. You won't believe how many times I've told myself that! I'm sick and tired of playing cops and robbers, I'm ready to go home. My son is almost a teenage. He needs his dad. I need him.

I was just thinking about the newsletter I received last week from Prisoner Express News. After thinking about it all week I wanted to comment on something I read. Someone mentioned something about how to handle racist writings. I don't think it's a good idea to print racist articles. If I said this aloud in prison, most people would say I was a hypocrite because most people think I am a racist. I'm not. I have had numerous bad experiences with blacks in prison and I chose not to associate with them in prison because every single one I know is in a gang and when the lines are drawn, its always us against them. I've seen it over and over. But I realize this is a prison mentality. The truth is that there are a couple of black people that have really impacted my life.

It was a hard adjustment for me when I came to prison. On the street, I had met a counselor who really helped me deal with some issues I had. Then I also met a woman who I got really close to. So I was really open minded when I came to prison. But I got burned over and over until I started hating blacks. I had forgotten how not all of them were like this. But I became a skinhead. I got several racist tattoos and was pretty hardcore. I can remember walking onto the ball court with a knife in each hand trying to stop a group of gangster disciples from beating my partner to death. After several years of education both collegiate and prison education, I came to realize that 95% of all prisoners are pieces of shit. We are the bottom of the barrel. That leaves 5% and if I'm racist that number is cut in half again. I believe in the right to believe in whatever you want, live and let live, but I don't feel there is a right to express your views publicly if they are views that are negative or stir up trouble. It just isn't productive. Now I stay away from all gang members. I'll talk to anyone who shows me respect. Alright, once again, I'm gone.

10 March 2005

They killed a man today at Michigan City 12:01 am, they gave him three shots. One to stop his breathing, one to stop his heart, and one to stop the pain. They say it's the humane way to kill a man. I didn't know Wallace, all I know is how close I came to lethal injection and how close my brother came. It really made me think about that night December 8th, 1993. I remember how miserable my life was. I remember how I hated waking up, I wanted to die. I went from having everything I dreamed of to having nothing in a matter of weeks and I gave up on life. Then I remember how a friend of mine Jeff Jordan, told me about Las Vegas. His wife and him went on vacation. He told me if he were ever single again, that's where he'd go. So that was my plan. I talked to my brother who had just went A.W.O.L. from the French Foreign Legion. We agreed that we needed 4 or 5 thousand dollars to live on until we could find jobs and start getting our first paychecks. I had never been much of a criminal but I had busted my ass for my wife, home, cars and the life I had. She took it all. Even after she was unfaithful and after she killed our baby with an abortion paid for by my hard work. I said fuck it, I'm gonna take what I want from now on. I was ready for someone to pull the trigger anyway. I woke up and was getting high before I brushed my teeth. After a couple cups of coffee and a couple cigarettes, I'd eat a few hits of acid, maybe snort a little caine if I had any. And after that I would be sedated enough to look at myself in the mirror.

I used to be on the swimming and diving teams for Greater Clark County Swim Team. I loved diving. Now I wanted to die and one of my favorite ideas was to dive off the Second Street Bridge over the Ohio River. I wondered how many flips I could do before I hit. But I was too scared I'd live. So I wanted someone else to kill me.

One night my brother and I went to a dope man's house. I knocked on the door and when he opened it up, I kicked it in and my brother smacked him in the face with a baseball bat. He collapsed, his old lady jumped up and Danny grabbed her, he threw her down and told her not to move. I went and busted open the trunk where I found 16 quarter ounces of weed, $850 in cash and a huge pistol which I later learned was a Desert Eagle 44. After that I went to the freezer and found a vial of acid.

Another night, I took my tools and cut through the roof of a restaurant I used to work for. I dropped in to avoid the alarms and I hit the safe. I knew the combo of course.

Our spree went on like that for a couple weeks but we were doing so much acid and coke that we were always broke. Then I remembered a man I had met when I waited 3rd shift at Jerry's restaurant. He was an insomniac and always came in about 2am. He'd sit and drink coffee until 5 or 6am at least four nights a week. He had told me he didn't trust banks so he kept his money in a safe in his house. He also told me he collected guns. But he had an alarm system with ADT. Of course I knew someone that worked there and I could get past is but it would cost me $500. I wasn't sure if it would be worth it or not. A lot of people brag and don't really have shit. So me and Danny came up with a plan. We'd go and tell him our car broke down and ask to use his phone. He knew me so he let me in. Danny was supposed to go to the bathroom and casually check everything out. Then we were gonna leave and see if it was worth paying the money to bypass the alarm. I knew the man's schedule, there was no need to do anything right then. Besides, the guy had a gun on his hip. I'm on the phone, talking to no one and the guy is across the room facing me. I heard him say "don't do that son" and when I looked up he was looking at my brother and he was going for his gun. He pulled it out and aimed it at me. I guess because I was in front of him. I looked at Danny and he snapped. He grabbed the gun, then grabbed the man and flipped him in the air. The man landed on his back and Danny landed on top of him. He was fighting Danny and he was burning his arms with this huge cigar. Sparks were flying everywhere and all I could think was run! So I started running through the room, I kicked him to get him to quit burning Danny, I just wanted to get out. I didn't know how it all started but I wanted out. Danny was mad and he wouldn't let go. I tried to talk to him, I yelled and I begged but he wouldn't get up. He kept beating the man over and over. He killed him right there.

I knew Danny was crazy. He was sent to a mental institute when I was 13. He stabbed me and gave me 41 stitches. When they asked why he said he wanted to see what it was like. But it was seven years later and I thought I could control him. He was trained to be a killer. He's never had a license, never had a serious girlfriend or anything. All he knew was Martial Arts and demolitions and I was naïve enough to think I could control him.

I didn't kill Vincent Stemle but if it wasn't for me, he'd be alive today. When you are a normal person, that weighs heavy on your mind. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. The group in here don't have a second thought about shit like that. This is a strange world I live in.

So now you know the whole story. Actually that's just a small piece in the life of Sean but its so important and significant. When I was first arrested they kept talking about Lethal Injection. I was scared as hell. Now, after I was sober, I didn't want to die. I wanted to live! But now I had to live with this knowledge and with these visions. I still live with them.

I pray to God I can go home to my son and my family. I pray I can be normal, lead a normal life but can I? Normal was over in 93, can I ever be that person again? Then I wonder if I want to. That person was young, nice, soft and naïve. Now I'm more hardened. I've had broken bones, stab wounds, stitches and staples and I've hurt people too. It was survival but it still changes a person.

Now I look back and I realize I made mistakes. Mistakes that had terrible consequences but it was never my intention for anyone to die. I still don't know why he pulled his gun. All I know is that I've been paying for my mistakes for 11 1/2 years and I wonder when is enough, enough? Indiana wants 35 years of my life. That's the same amount of time my brother got and he killed the man. He admitted it and all the evidence showed I was innocent. It just doesn't make sense. I try to stay positive, the truth is that when I go back to court, I'll get my sentence down to 40 years but that's if I can come up with the money for a lawyer. You can't make enough money in here without risking another prison sentence.

12 March 2005

Here I am again. I had to take some time and consider if I really wanted to send this last entry in. It's hard to open yourself, all your demons and leave yourself exposed for the world to see. It's like being naked. All your best traits are shown without the benefit of the reader actually knowing you. My family and close friends know me, they know my heart and they know I'm not a terrible or evil person. But strangers only know the bad in me. So it's hard to open myself. At the same time it's liberating. I have no more skeletons, no more secrets. If people chose to read further than they don't have to worry about finding out some deep dark past. It's all out there and anyone who continues with me from here, gets to know the real me.

I woke up early this morning and I remembered the days I used to get up at daylight to go to work. Back then I was working for myself doing roofing. I made good money too. I made 12 a square and I could lay 1-1/2 squares an hour with my nail gun. Of course there were always times I had to flash a chimney or lay a valley and that would slow me down but I could usually get 10 square down by 1:20 or 2:00pm. After that, the shingles got too hot and it slowed you down. So I'd be on a roof by 6 or 6:30am and work 7 hours straight then quit for the day. I'd go home, take a shower and go back to work waiting tables from 4 to 11 three or four nights a week. But through the week I always got up at daylight and went to mom's to drink coffee. Sometimes we'd just sit together for half an hour or so and then sometimes we'd have deep discussions. For some reason, this morning reminded me of those mornings with my momma. She was always my best friend.

I remember before I got married, my mom told me about my wife. She said, "Sean, I know you love that girl so after this I'll never bring it up again but I'm telling you, she is marrying you for one reason, she wants to get her baby's father's attention." I told her she was crazy, I mean why would you marry someone to get someone's attention? But in the end, my mom was right. I caught my wife with her ex, twice. The first time I didn't catch them together but I had made the bed that morning and when I came in I could tell it had been used. There were a couple of other signs. She couldn't even deny it. Then, the second time, I came home from work early. I'll never forget it because I had gotten done 2-1/2 days early and I knew I was getting a bonus. I was so happy that I had decided to take a couple of days off. I came home and Kelly was there. They were on the couch half naked. He ran out the back door. I chased him but he got away.

The thing that hurt me was that I changed my life to marry out of my class. I was the son of a redneck woman and a biker, she was the daughter of the chief of police, no, I mean the granddaughter. She didn't do any drugs, had never been in trouble with the law, lived in the suburbs and was a Marathon runner. I thought she was so good for me and I was happy. The whole time I was being serious and she was playing games. I was devastated. But nothing was as bad as the day I found out she had an abortion!

But, now I have an awesome woman. It took me awhile to trust her but she has earned it. I mean she loves me and I have nothing to offer. So I know she's genuine. It's a shame you have to hit rock bottom to realize who your friends are. She's a hard worker, she's honest, energetic, passionate and sexy. I honestly couldn't ask for more. I felt it necessary to bring Trena up because I wanted people to know there is some balance in my life. Okay, once again I'm gonna lay the pen down for a few days but never fear, I'll let you see inside the head of a sort of crazy person again in a few days.

13 March 2005

I've already sent 6 or 8 pages out for my journal but for some reason I've got a lot on my mind so I thought I'd write a little more.

I was talking to my friend earlier today and he was talking about getting out of prison in July. I just can't imagine what it will be like to get out. I think about it every single day and I still can't figure out the first thing I'm gonna do. My sister owns a place out on Rough River. I want to spend at least a week out there camping, hiking, swimming, skiing, and fishing. I also can't wait to make love again. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I want to cook out some food. I wanna go to work, I wanna walk barefoot in the grass, take a bath instead of a shower, go to a grocery store and a thousand other things that most people probably take for granted.

I can't wait to spend some quality time with my son. He has ADHD, just like I do. His mom feeds him pills like candy but when I get out, I'll take him off the pills. I know how to deal with extra energy. I'll wear hisbutt out on the ball court, cutting grass, working on the house or flying kites. I think he needs to play and work harder. That counteracts his excess energy. When I was young I spent summers on the swimming and diving teams and earned my money cutting grass. I also took some kick-boxing. During school I wrested, played football, gymnastics and even tried out for basketball but wasn't good enough back then.

I'm 32 years old and I've still got excess energy. I know how to focus it now though. Too many people use drugs to sedate kids when all they really need is a little more attention. My son's mother has four children but she doesn't work or anything so I don't see what the problem is. My mom was a single mother of three who worked, went to college and raised us. I was on Ritalin for a year or so until my mom said screw that. It was cheaper and healthier to get me into sports.

Speaking of sports, I'm so sore! I always work out somewhat but I've been working out harder the last week trying to get prepared to go back to general population in May. I've got 8 weeks and 3 days left on lock-up. General population is both a blessing and a curse. It's cool because I'll be able to put my arms around Trena and be able to put Wesley in a headlock! I was supposed to get married last September but I was sent to lock-up so we postponed it. I'm not sure when we're gonna do it now. I'm really looking forward to it though. Plus I have one vice, that's coffee. I can't wait to buy a couple of bags and drink the crap out of it. We get one coffee packet a day in here and its 97% caffeine free. And there's always the food. I got through a jar of peanut butter a week and I cook beans 2 or 3 times a week too. I really miss that.

But there are some bad things too. For one thing I have some enemies there. I've been in several fights and I hope to avoid trouble but its not always avoidable in here. I've won every one on one fight I've been in while in prison and that makes people want to pimp me. That's why I'm in lock-up now. Some guys tried to pimp me so I got a knife and chased them off. Then I got caught with the knife. I don't want trouble and I'll go out of my way to avoid it but I'm not gonna allow 2 or 3 people to beat me down.

I've been listening to the news on the radio. I just heard about a man in Atlanta, Georgia who was going to trial for rape, sodomy, criminal confinement, battery and a couple of other offenses. He ended up killing a guard, court reporter and a couple more people in his escape. All these guys in prison were rooting for him to get away. I'm thinking why? So he can go rape someone else. Most prisoner's have a screwed up way of looking at stuff. It just doesn't make sense. How would they feel if it was one of their sisters or other family members? But then I realize that most of these guys don't care about anyone else. The whole psychology of the common inmate is so weird to me.

17 March 2005

Just got a letter from my son's mother, Andrea. She is upset with me because I drew Wesley some pictures of sexy women. They were wearing bikinis or other sexy outfits but they weren't naked. She says he's only 11-1/2 and shouldn't be seeing stuff like that. However, it's okay for her to buy him toy guns, rent movies about drugs and violence and buy video games with graphic violence. Maybe I'm wrong but I just don't see the big deal with scantily clad women. I'm madly in love and I can't think of anyone I'd take over Trena but it doesn't change the fact that I think women are beautiful. To me, it's much more damaging for children to be desensitized to drugs and violence. At least with sex, the dangers can be minimized not to mention the fact that something awesome can come from it. I'm not totally against drugs. I don't see a problem with weed except of course for legal problems that can occur. Although, I think a kid should grow up before thinking about weed or alcohol. I also don't think it's good for people like me who have what I call "addictive personality." I doubt that's the correct term but it's the one I use. I have a problem of getting addicted to anything I do. It can be sex, work, drugs or food. You name it. So I have to stay away from drugs or anything else that's unhealthy. I'm not sure if it's something psychological or hereditary or what but I have to be real careful. Moderation isn't an option for me. It's either all or nothing. Anyway, back to my son. Andrea says now that he has had a girlfriend for about three months. Which to me is a long time for an 11 year old. I guess the girl is in fourth grade and supposed to be in sixth. So she's 12 and she's the only girl in school who wears eyeliner! Andrea blames me for all this. At 11 and 12 years old, I was going through puberty and was experimenting, at 13 I had sex for the first time so to me it seems natural for an 11-1/2 year old kid to be curious. Maybe I'm wrong. All I know is that I seem to get blamed for all the bad stuff and I'm not even there. Personally, I think she needs to put a little more effort in focusing his mind on other things like school or sports. It would help occupy his time and it would burn off some of that excess energy. He supposedly has A.D.H.D.

I talked to my mother this morning and she told me she took Wesley to church with her last night. That should be a good influence on him. I want him to be his own man and I want him to be free to believe whatever he fells right, but at the same time, I think it's important to introduce him to new things so that he has more to choose from. Does that make sense? Plus, I do feel that religion is important. I consider myself a Christian. Not a very good one, but a Christian none the less.

I'm listening to the NCAA tournament as I write. Kentucky won their first round game :) I like Louisville and Kentucky but my favorite is Louisville. I'm a huge Rick Pitino fan. He is the coach and he also owns some racing horses that compete at Churchill Downs. I grew up around horses and horse racing.

Anyway, I think North Carolina will win the championship but it sure would be nice to see Louisville and Kentucky playing for it. :) I'm gone once again, for now. I'll write again in a few days.

25 March 2005

Another Holiday! I can't stand holidays anymore. In prison it's just another day we don't get mail. :(

I did get some good news this week though. I found out my son brought his failing math grade up to a "B"! I was glad to hear that. A lot of people think he isn't real smart but he is. He just doesn't apply himself. I mean lets be honest, what kid wants to sit and do homework all afternoon? But I told Trena to buy him a tape measure and show him how to use it. So now he has figure out fractions because he learns while he is doing something interesting. Most people don't take time to make learning fun. To be honest, I don't care how he learns it as long as he does. He's gonna need an education if he wants to get out of the projects. I mean, I plan on having him and his brother live with me and Trena but he still needs an education!

I feel bad for his little brother Mitchell. He doesn't have any man in his life. His father doesn't have anything to do with him. That's sad. He's a good little kid. He's a little rowdy but you gotta expect that at 8 years old.

I also got five books from CRESP! :) Of course that made my day. Three of the books are text books and I've already started studying them. I get up out of bed, work out then study for a couple of hours. I'm studying books on German language, writing, art and Health & Fitness. After dinner I usually write family and friends for a couple of hours then I either read novels or listen to the radio. Right now I'm listening to the Michigan St. and Duke basketball game. I've got $2 bet on Michigan State even though I hate them. I'm a Louisville fan then I'm a Kentucky fan. But money is money and I think Duke is gonna lose.

It's Easter again! I can't believe this year is moving so fast. My mom has gotten extremely religious lately. My grandparents are Seventh Day Adventist and my mother, aunts and uncle were all brought up in Church and went to private schools and college. Then when my sisters and I were growing up, we went to grade and middle school at the Academy as well. But in 7th grade I transferred to public school with my sisters. After that, mom pulled away from the Church at least until recently. Now she is getting back into it. I'm glad. It gets her out of the house and it's a healthy lifestyle. They don't eat unclean meat and they have nature walks, no drinking, smoking or unhealthy living. My mom has worked so hard all her life that her body is worn out. She needs to take care of herself and now she is. Plus she is taking my son and his brother with her. I don't want to force anything specific on my son, I want him to grow up to be his own man but I like the fact that he is being introduced to new things. I hope he believes in God and becomes a Christian of one denomination or another but I think there are several paths to the same destination. My opinion is that we will be judged by our hearts. I hope my son's heart is pure.

With everything that is happening in the world right now, it really makes a person think about religion. If what I was raised to believe is true and if the end of the world is at hand, I don't feel I'm ready. That's a scary thought!

Well, I'm down to 48 days left in lock-up. I'm a little concerned about where I'll be sent once I leave here. If I go back to Michigan City which is where I came from, I already know I'll have trouble. I'll be forced to defend myself and it won't be a fight it will be a knife fight. If I stab someone I'll be back here for another year plus I will get another case for attempted murder and get another 8 years in prison. If I don't stab someone, I have to worry about them stabbing me and possibly dying. So it's a no-win situation. So I'm trying to avoid it all by getting transferred somewhere else. I've contacted the commissioner of the D.O.C., the classification officer of the Indiana D.O.C., the Indiana Ombudsmen, the I.C.L.U and the A.C.L.U. So hopefully someone will raise enough static to have me sent south. I guess we shall see. Needless to say, I've had a lot on my mind. I wish I could just be left alone but I've made some mistakes that still follow me. About two years ago I got into a fight with a gangster disciple and won. That was a mistake! I should have let him win because now all the Gangster Disciples want to pimp me. They won't fight me one-on-one. To make things worse, I don't get along with the Aryans and they won't fight me one-on-one either. It's a mess. Oh well, I'm a survivor so I'll make it. I just hate it that I may be forced to do something I don't want to do. We shall see. I'm gone for now.

02 April 2005

It's been a rough day today. I've been listening to the radio and starring out the window. It's a sunny day, about 60 degrees or so and the wind is blowing just enough to rustle the leaves. It's beautiful and should make me smile but it only reminds me of my imprisonment. My desires and dreams aren't to rob people, sell drugs, or act like a thug. My fantasies are of fishing with my son, flying kites at Community Park or hiking in Henryville Forest. All innocent freedoms that the average person takes for granted. I hate being down. I'm a hyper, high spirited person, I'm active and happy and this melancholy mood tears me up. It makes me want to put up a layer of distance from noticing the beauty to keep away the sadness. But I know if I allow that to happen I'll be stripping away another piece of my humanity. Does that make sense? It probably sounds psychotic. It's hard to explain but I'm afraid if I allow myself to put up all these walls that once I'm free, I won't be able to return to normal. I don't want to be emotionless. I want to live, I want to smile and laugh. I want to live rather than just survive.

To top things off, my relationship is falling apart with Trena. She swears she loves me and she's down for me but I can tell something has changed. I can't blame her. It's because of my own stupidity that I'm in isolation. Here is a woman that sacrifices for me and she gets 2 hours every 14 days to be with me in person than I go and go and get sent to solitary. Now it's been a year since she's touched me. I know she is a very sensual person. On our visits she doesn't let me go for a second. She touches me the whole time. I realize she needs some sort of intimacy. We were supposed to get married last September but I got sent here. I get out of solitary in May but if I go back to Michigan City, I'll be in trouble again. I still have unfinished business there. You don't walk away from knife fights. When it comes to knives someone has to go. If I go to Pendleton, I have an enemy there too. He raped and killed my best friend last year. I swore to her sister I'd serve justice if I ever ran across him and I will. I have too. He raped and killed a beautiful young girl then left her broken body in the woods behind my son's house. He found her body.

Alyssa and I had a special relationship. When I was 17 we were introduced and I was led to believe she was 16. One night we were laying on the couch getting pretty rowdy when she says, "I've gotta tell you something." I remember it well, I thought she was going to tell me she was a virgin. But instead she says, "I'm only 13!" I about died. I shoved her off the couch and jumped up. I was mad as hell but luckily all we had done was kiss. It didn't make sense to me, I mean she never went to school, she went home drunk and high regularly, didn't have a curfew or anything. Once I got to know her, I learned why. Her parents provided food and a place to sleep. That was it! She had no rules. She didn't even go to school. How messed up is that? I became her big brother. The first issue to me was school. She said she didn't like riding the bus. It just so happened that I worked two blocks from River Valley Middle School. So I made a deal with her. I'd drive her to school in the morning then when she got out at 3:10 she'd walk to my work and sit in my car and do homework until 4:30 when I got off. I had a nasty 68 Galaxy with air shocks, tinted windows, and an alpine system. She thought she was so cool riding to school and letting her friends see her so she agreed. By her second report card she was passing every class. She was smart but she did just enough to get by. Nothing more. But she was passing. I also talked her into giving up alcohol except on rare occasions. She still smoked quite a bit but so did I and to be honest, I felt like it was the lesser of two evils. When I ran into Andrea, Alyssa was with me. In fact she was in the bathroom puking too much Kessler when my son was conceived! She was also there the day I met my wife. Actually I had me her several months before and fell in love with her but I was too nervous to approach her. She was a photographer, so one day me, Alyssa and my little brother go to get our pictures taken. The plan of course was to work up the nerve to ask Tammy out. I chickened out and as we were leaving Alyssa called me out. She says go back around there and talk to her. When I turned the corner Tammy was right there. I still stalled until finally she says, "We could go out unless you have a girlfriend." I said, "No, I mean yes we can go out, no, I don't have a girl."

My point is that Alyssa was my buddy. Even after I came to prison she wrote, sent pictures, and visited. It tore me up when she was killed. I hope I never run across the guy who did it. I'm not tough and I'm really not mean but when it comes to something like that, it makes me boil inside.

Damn, writing this has brought back a flood of memories. Have you ever been afraid of forgetting? All I have are 11-1/2 year old memories of life. Everyday seems like I lose more detail to those memories I cherish. It's like a photograph that fades after time, starts to erode away. I've gotta put the pen down for now. I need to think about some stuff. More later.

04 April 2005

Another day in paradise. The police just woke me up and shook me down. I hate being shook down but when they wake you up, make you strip naked and run around barefoot while they look through family photos, tear sheets off your bed, mix your clean and dirty laundry together, take the straws you save to chew on, take the salt packets you save for those horrible meals, tear down your clothes lines you use to hang the laundry you hand wash in the shower because you are only given three sets of clothes and otherwise destroy your house! I don't know what else to say except that I always thought that at my age, my bad wake up calls would be those of a kid with a cold or a grumpy wife. Needless to say my life isn't what I had expected.

I still haven't heard from Trena. I did get a letter from my mother who told me that Trena came home and started packing her bags. My mom asked her if she was moving and her only comment was, "I can't afford this fucking place anymore!" So she left my mom hanging on her share of the bills and I guess my son told her he was upset because Trena wouldn't answer his phone calls. That kinda tore me up, you know. I understand why she left me. I've always know a prison relationship was too difficult but I don't understand her ignoring Wesley. Or leaving my mom stuck with all the bills.

I know I need to move on and put this chapter of my life behind me but it's hard because there's no closure. I don't understand her actions. She has a huge heart and is never mean or hateful. The whole thing doesn't make sense.

There is a kid, seven cells down from me who has been in prison since he was 17, for 4 years. He goes home on Sunday. Everyday he talks about it and I understand his excitement but to be honest, its starting to get to me a little. I'm ready to go home too! The weather is awesome 75 to 80 every day, the dandelions are in full bloom, Canadian Geese and ground hogs are running around outside my window and every time I go to outside recreation I can smell the farmers and their bonfires. I crave my freedom.

When I was a teenager, my sister was married to a man whose family own a place on Nolin Lake. It's a manmade lake in Litchfield, Kentucky. It's beautiful and clean and amazing! We'd go down there once a month and go skiing, fishing, boating, hiking and camping. We'd sit by the fire and toast "smores" while we drank and talked shit. Sometimes we'd smoke a joint but it was harmless fun. We were tax paying, law abiding citizens cutting lose on the weekends. Man, I miss those days. I'd work all week in 140 degree boiler rooms insulating the boiler and pipes and I made about $500 a week at age 18. I lived on my sister's pull out couch for $25/wk. I had a car payment insurance and that was it. Life was so easy then. Then I started dating my wife. She was a marathon runner and when we'd go to the lake she'd get up and run while I fished in the mornings. Then we got married and everything changed.

I guess on the bright side of things I can say I'm outta lock-up in 21 days! I'll still be in prison but I'll have a little more freedom. When I go to recreation at least I won't be in a 9x20x20 concrete hole with a fence over the top. I'll be able to throw some horse shoes, play some basketball or just walk around the track. Plus I'll get a contact visit with my mom and son! So I have something to look forward to. I wanna get my boy in a headlock. I'd like to get on the floor and wrestle with him. I know I can't do that in the visiting room but I can still hug him! I can't wait! I'm gonna close this up for now. More next week.

05 April 2005

I'm back and its been a rough few days. I called my mother Sunday and found out that Trena left. She's been gone almost two weeks. That's a tough pill to swallow. For so many years, I never let anyone inside my head. I had a few girlfriends, a nurse at a prison, a couple of girls that used to visit me but it was all entertainment. I always knew it wouldn't last and I never got seriously involved. With Trena it was different. I didn't have any choice. Our feelings just grew and it was awesome. I'd been alone for so long it was like being resurrected from the dead. All these feelings and emotions storming though my mind. I really believed it would work. Since Jan., I've known that things were changing between us. It's been gradual and she has denied it but I can tell. I can't blame her. She is an awesome person. She has a huge heart and has shown me that there is something beautiful to look for in life. Even though I don't blame her and I'm not mad at her, I still hate it. That's what makes it so hard to deal with. There's no one to be angry with. No way to disguise or deflect the hurt. That probably sounds soft as hell but it's truth. I'm too old to worry about ego and pride. I want something real in life, no games, so why hide truths about myself? Whether it's a friend, a woman, or my child, when someone sees me, they see the real Sean. No secrets. So if it sounds soft, sorry but I never claimed to be hard. That is societies label, not mine!

I got a letter from a woman I knew years ago at my grandma's church. Mrs. Fouts was my buddy. She still is. Every year she plants the most beautiful flower garden and sends me a picture. It's awesome to see this huge garden that has been so meticulously tended and cared for by a woman who's 87 years old. Anyway, in her letter, she told me she was celebrating her 67th wedding anniversary! That's what I want! In today's times you don't see that. Those people believe in the true meaning of monogamy. Not the serial-monogamy of today. When they had problems they got together and worked them out. They didn't give up. Marriage meant something. This is the only fault I put in Trena. She made me believe she was one of those old school people. I feel like she's giving us up too easily.

There's a song by Guns n' Roses called "November Rain" and it talks about two people in love and how they grow apart and it says, "people change and its hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain." I think that line is about us. I think she's lonely. Letters don't keep you warm at night. They don't tell you you're beautiful when you feel terrible. They don't kiss you when you feel broken and bruised or cater to you when you come home tired and word from a hard days work. I can't blame her for wanting or rather needing more. From the beginning that was my only concern about us. It wasn't too bad when I was at Pendleton. We got to visit every 14 days for 2-1/2 or 3 hours. I could kiss her and hold her. But in the past 18 months we have only had one contact visit and that was a year ago. We've had some non-contact visits, talked on the phone, and written but I don't think it's enough for her.

Enough of the pity party. I'll thank her for the memories she created with me and the feelings we shared and I'll close out the world again. I should have known better.

13 April 2005

Sorry for neglecting my journal. I don't have a good excuse except that I've been pretty depressed. I love writing but when the only words I have are negative, I don't like it. I got a letter from my mother and she told me that Trena informed her she was moving out the end of April. She is moving in with a lesbian. I don't think she's gay but it really doesn't matter. Either way, there's no room for me in her life anymore. I've always told her I wanted to see her smile, I told her she deserves to be happy and I hoped I could be the reason she smiled. If not, I told her to move on. Now that she's moving on, I can't stand it.

I received a letter a few weeks ago from an old friend and ever since I read it my mind has been overflowing with memories. I cherish my memories but at the same time it leaves me feeling like that was another life, another person altogether, like I was on the outside looking in at a world I never belonged in.

DeeAnn was 8 years old when I met her. I went to an A.A. meeting to try and get a better understanding of my father. Outside the building there was this little blond haired, blue eyed girl doing cartwheels in the yard. Her mom attended meetings regularly. We became friends and DeeAnn, A.K.A DeeDee, was like my little sister. I used to baby-sit for her and I even lived with her mom, (not in a relationship) for a while.

After I came to prison and DeeDee grew up a little, she stayed in contact and even visited several times. Then about 4 or 5 years ago, she disappeared. I never heard from her again until about two weeks ago. She is in prison in Peeluce Valley, Kentucky. :( She's been there for 3 years now. Her father died of heart failure, her mother fell off the wagon, got strung out on heroin and was murdered and her 8 year old daughter Sarah was taken from her by the state. I feel so bad for her. She is about 25 now and she is pretty and smart but life has dealt her some hard blows. It's such a sad story. I'll always remember the little girl doing cartwheels in the grass, the little girl who always had a hug for me, the little girl whose smile could change anyone's mood.

I wrote her back of course and I expect to hear from her this week. I can't believe I even got her letter. For starters, we aren't allowed to receive mail from other prisoners. When I got her letter, there was a big black stamp on it that said "Inmate Mail." Then on top of that she sent the letter to a prison I have never been to and they forwarded it here. I still can't believe I got the letter. Ever since I got it, I've been thinking about the past. I remember the winter of '91, I had just bought a 68 Galaxy and there was a snow storm. I think I went through $20 in gas pulling DeeDee and all her neighborhood friends on my bumper. We called it bumper skiing. We also played football in the snow. Back then I was remodeling homes and the work was sporadic at best so I supplemented my income by waiting tables on 3rd shift at Jerry's restaurant. The restaurant was next door to a bar so every night around 3am, all the drunks would go to Jerry's. I'd make more money from 3am to 5am than all the other hours put together. Those drunk women would come in and give me huge tips. I'd also end up with all these phone numbers to these drunk women. At 18 years old, it was huge for my ego. I'm 1/2 Romanian, 1/4 Native American and 1/4 French. So I've got high cheek bones and my skin is about like having a decent tan in summer. I have long dark brown hair and I'm always polite. The women loved it!

I got fired because I put a $20 I.O.U in the cash register. A man and a woman got in a fight and he smacked her. It was out in the parking lot and I saw it. So I went out and brought the woman inside. She said he took off and her purse was in the car. It was the beginning of my shift and I always made 80 to 100 a shift so I took 20 out of the register and put a note in there saying I took it temporarily. Then I called a cab for the woman. A couple hours later the manager called me in his office and told me I was fired. Oh well, it wasn't like I was hurting for work. I've never went more than 3 days without a job. At least not when I wanted one.

Okay, enough of the past for now. Today, the weather is awesome. It's about 65 degrees or close to it. I get out of solitary confinement in less than a month. Actually its 28 days from today. I'm looking forward to eating some chips and cookies! And I'm really looking forward to a contact visit with my son and some full court basketball! Well I'm gone for now. I'll be back soon.

24 April 2005

Well, I've had an adventurous 18 hours. First of all, I'm sitting in my cell reading a book when the guard tells me to pack my property, my ride is here! I thought it was a mistake because my lock-up time isn't over until May 11th and because it was 3:30 pm. But they assured me it wasn't a mistake and they came and got my stuff. By the time they inventoried my property, strip searched me and put me in "trip gear," it was almost 6 pm. We drove 150 miles south to Pendleton in the coming dusk. It was awesome! I saw horses, cows, farmers working and children playing. I even saw a little league baseball game in progress. All the kids in their uniforms playing for fun not money. Plus, I saw a lot of new cars and a bunch of cops. I was thinking how funny it would be if we got pulled over. They always have two vehicles, the first one has one driver and one gunman and the inmate. Behind that is always another vehicle with one gunman. It would have been comical to get pulled over!

We got here about 9 pm and went straight to laundry to get my clothes. Then they left me alone for a minute so I stole 24 pairs of brand new socks. Normally I wouldn't do that but I'm gonna be sitting in a cell for 3 or 4 days with absolutely nothing while they search my property. So I stole the socks. I sold 18 pairs for a bag of coffee, 5 stamps and 6 Ramen noodle soups. A total of about $6.00. But if you buy the socks off commissary they cost a dollar a pair so that was a good deal.

I haven't had any coffee in a year so after three cups, I'm speeding! I used my wash cloth (I have two) to clean my walls, floor, toilet, and sink. So I've got all new clothes, a clean cell, a little food, a little coffee and I wrote my mom last night so her and my son, Wesley, will probably be up here on Sunday:) I can't wait.

The counselor just came by and told me I'd be on red tag until May 11th. That means I'm locked in my cell. They will deliver my meals and I'll get a shower every three days. I had hoped to go play some ball tomorrow. Oh well, this is still better than where I was and it's only for 15 more days. Plus, I can get visits and order commissary. It will take a week or so to get some money but I'll be okay. When my son comes up to visit, I might get a picture of us to add to my diary or journal. One of the reasons I started writing was in hopes that in a couple years once Wesley becomes a teenager he can read some of my thoughts off your website. That was one of the reasons. Another reason is that it's a good way to vent and blow off steam. I try not to do that much because I hate people that whine constantly and I don't want to be one of those people you know.

I think I'm gonna wrap this up for now. I'll definitely be writing more later.

27 April 2005

I'm back. I finally got some sleep! I woke up this morning to ham and eggs! It's still prison food but it's a lot better than the place I just left.

I can't wait to get my property! I hate being in this cell with nothing but clothing, a few sheets of paper and an ink pen that is the only one my neighbor has, so we are throwing it back and forth. Hopefully, I'll get my stuff today. I know the property officer. I saw him Monday and he said he'd try to get my stuff done by today but that would be if I could get out of my cell to pick it up. The counselor came by yesterday and told me I was gonna finish my segregation time, 14 days, locked in this cell. Which is cool with me except that it means officer Faulds will have to deliver my property. I guess I'm gonna see how cool he really is.

Speaking of guards, this prison is so much better than any place I've ever been. The guards here are mostly country folk and if you treat them with respect, they treat you with respect, Of course there is an occasional asshole but it's the exception not the rule. A perfect example is when I was at M.C.C. getting ready to leave. Two guards came to my cell, handcuffed me, put shackles on and a dog leash from my hand cuffs to my shackles. When I got to receiving, officers Shepman and Faulds said, "Hey what's up, Sean? How you been?" Then they turned to the M.C.C guards and said "you can take all the chains off until we're ready to leave." It's just a totally different environment here.

Well I need to write my momma and let her know what is going on. I will write to my journal again in a few days.

03 May 2005

It's a beautiful day. I'm locked in a cell until the 11th when my disciplinary segregation (d/s) is over. But I can still tell it's an awesome day. There are huge windows right in front of my cell. I'm on the top range so it's gonna be a hot summer but it's nice now.

I still don't have my property but there's a black dude next to me who let me use his radio. His name is Tyson. I just met him but I know his older brother Jake. We met when I worked in the kitchen in 2001. Jake is a pretty good dude. Tyson seems pretty decent. We'll see.

"Drugs or Jesus" by Tim McGraw just went off. I love country and Tim McGraw is one of my favorite male artists. I heard the newest Miranda Lambert song. That woman can sing!

I wrote Wesley last night and talked a little about my dad. It's hard to talk about him because I have many mixed feelings. He is my father and had a disease. I'll always love a lot about him but there's a lot I hate as well. Does that make sense? He was unfaithful and physically abusive to my mom. He wasn't a good husband or father but I know he could have been if he wasn't a drunk. I could catch glimpses of the real Tony Samples. Not many but enough to know he had a beautiful heart. I want Wesley to know the good but how do you explain someone without being honest. Those small details describe the person more entirely.

I was thinking the weather is so nice, it would be awesome to take Wesley camping this weekend. My sister has a cabin at Rough River in Ky/Tenn. Leslie would let me and him go down there any time! My dad taught me a lot about camping and fishing. He was a nature fanatic. We've been repelling in Red River Gorge, hiking at Niagara Falls, camping at Hardy Lake, Dean's Lake, Cops Lake, Clifty Falls and so much more. It would be awesome to pass some of those lessons to Wesley. Mitchell too! Mitchell is Wesley's little brother. I feel bad for him because the twins have their father in their lives and Wesley has my mom and sisters but Mitchell's father is M.I.A.! The kid is only 5 or 6 and mom says he's a good kid. I'd like to include him if Wesley wouldn't mind. I don't know how he'd feel.

I got a visit from my mom on Sunday! It was awesome to see her. She brought Wesley but since my paperwork wasn't here from M.C.C yet they wouldn't let him in. But he will be back with my mom on the 15th. My sisters are coming up on the 14th. At least that's the plan. I'll get more visits here because it's only 100 miles from home!

I can hardly wait until the 11th. I wanna play some full court basketball. I love it and I'm good. I don't brag about very much but basketball and Pinochle are two things I'm good at. It will take me about a month of serious work to get back to 90%. Even at 60%, I'm good enough to play with the dudes in this cell house.

I was sitting here thinking about memories and the past last night and I came up with this: 

 
	Yesterday Becomes... 
	The Other Day... 
	Which is awhile back... 
	In turn, the End of Life Begins... 
	Twelve years later, I'm still dying to Live...
It probably sounds sill unless you were in my head. Oh well. That's what this journal is all about isn't it, getting inside my head? I'm guessing 80% of the people who read this think I'm psycho. Oh well. I'm tired of not being myself. It's a lot of work.

Just got out of the shower. I still haven't gotten my property. It's been 8 days now. I've got 11 letters written but no address book or stamps to mail them. No lotion, chapstick, shower shoes or anything. I'll be glad to get my TV and sweat clothes. The Pacers play game 5 tonight against Boston. The series is tied up 2 to 2. I'd love to watch the game but oh well, I'll live. I did hear that they had my stuff finished but they had to wait until they had someone to bring it to me.

Just finished reading the book "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest." I hate the way it ended but I gotta admit it's one of the best books I've read. I'm gonna start on The Grapes of Wrath this morning but I wanted to get this entry wrapped up before I started it. If I get my property today, I'll be busy organizing everything and I won't have time to get back to this. So I'm gonna go ahead and close this up for now. I will write again soon.

08 May 2005

Another piece of me for you to see. It's Mother's Day and I figure I should be thinking about mom. But I'm not. I can't quit thinking about Trena :(.

Whenever you come into a new institution you have to fill out all the new telephone and visitation lists. Of course I put Trena on my visitation list. I know she won't come but you can only change your list every 90 days and I don't want to take the chance of her trying to visit now that I'm close to home again. I guess it's just hopeful thinking. Does that make me a fool? When I was in high school I remember playing all those head games with the girls but that shit is so played out. When I told her I loved her, I meant it and I felt like she meant it too. So I keep making myself how things could change overnight? Or was I just a sucker all along? Isn't it ironic how the more intense the relationship is, the more intense the heartache is at the end? It's a lot like drugs. When you do coke its so hard and fast it makes me want to scream is loud and long as I can. But when it's over it's a bad crash. That's why I can't do it. It's too powerful going up and coming down. Makes me wonder if I shouldn't give up relationships too.

10 May 2005

Oops, I got sidetracked. Yesterday, I received another letter from DeeDee. She is in prison for breaking into a court house. It's weird to think about this little girl I used to baby-sit now being in prison. She was always wild but she has a good heart.

The weather has been awesome! And tomorrow my disciplinary segregation time is up so I can go to recreation with the rest of the prison! I can't wait to play some basketball. I've got a lot of writing to catch up on so I'm gonna close this thing up but my next installment will be longer.

02 June 2005

I don't have any excuse for not writing. I've been going through a lot since I've been back here at Pendleton and I haven't written anyone besides my mom.

I'm not sure who reads this but since it's a diary of sorts, I think it's important to be honest to someone somewhere, it seems my life is a lie.

My problems in prison started around '98 or so. I was 25 years old with my whole life in front of me. All I had to look forward to was prison. I wasn't in contact with my son, I didn't have any type of romantic relationship and I had pretty much given up on life. In prison all you have is your word and most people like me so my word could get anything in here. I abused that and ruined a lot of friendships. I got strung out on drugs and was in debt hundreds of dollars. Then of course, I started fighting and hustling to make money and of course I started getting intro trouble more and more and life got worse. Of course my mom knew something was going on and I lied to her. Then almost 3-1/2 years ago I cleaned up. I quit doing cocaine and I tried to make right a lot of the things I had screwed up. I worked in the kitchen and stole hamburger, onions, cheese, Pork Roast and anything else you can think of. I paid a lot of my debts and was trying to get even. Then I got into a fight with a gang member. I beat him up and even though he was in the wrong, it was turned into a racial thing. So the black guys jumped me and ran me out of the dorm. I was moved to Michigan City which is 300 miles from my home. I spent a year there, then got into a fight and went to a lock-up unit for having a knife. After my year of solitary confinement was up, I made it back to Pendleton.

The very first day out of my cell, I go out to recreation and I'm playing a game of basketball. This guy I don't know calls me and I said I'm in the middle of a game, I'll holler at him when it's over. After the game the guy tells me he wants to talk to me and as soon as we turn the corner I see 3 Mexican guys, I know one of them and we had been arguing before I was moved out of here 2 years ago. He swings on me and hits me in the eye so I gunned him down. I hit him three times in the mouth and he went down, then his buddy blasted me in my left ear. I stumbled and kept going forward until I was out from in the middle of them. I went back to the ball court and some black dudes stood up and said it was over. My eye was bleeding and my right hand was bleeding from his teeth. I was worried that they might try something else but they didn't. Then a week later my mom and sister come to visit. Of course mom sees my face and my fists. I couldn't lie so I told her what happened. She was upset of course but glad that things seemed to be over for the most part. A week later I was moved to H cell house. It's a working cell house which means I can get a job and get out of my cell from time to time. I have put in for several jobs and haven't heard anything yet.

I also got some news about Trena. She grew up best friends with my sister and her aunt raised her. Her aunt goes to church with my mother and grandmother. I guess her aunt was talking to my mom and told her she hadn't seen Trena since before Easter and she has only disappeared like this once before, she got strung out on pills and dropped of the face of the Earth for a year. Of course mom told me this so now I spend every minute thinking about what she's doing and if she's okay. Trena isn't the most beautiful woman, she's rough around the edges and not perfect but she has this, I don't know what it is, this magnetism that has completely caught me. I know in my heart that she is the only woman who can make me complete the only person to make me whole. And to think she could be out there hurting, scared or alone, and I can't be there to help her, it's driving me insane! I just wish I could put my arms around her and feel her warmth. Before I left Pendleton, I got a visit from her every 14 days. I lived for those times. In my life I've been in love twice, the first time when I was a teenager and Christine was killed in '98 by a drunk driver. Then I gave up on true love. I had girlfriends, I even married a woman I though I could eventually love, that didn't work. I never opened myself to anyone after Christine and I split up in '91. That is until Trena. She came to visit with my mom a few years ago and when I saw her it was like she was glowing. I grew up with her so I knew her personality but seeing her after several years and seeing the way she was, it made me smile inside. She is this tiny woman only 4' 10-1/2" but she has this huge aura, she is super hyper and always smiling. She is so fun to be around she makes everyone smile. Her energy is amazing. But then I think about her life, her past is terrible, her life has been so hard and she has been hurt by all the people she should have been able to trust. Her scars mental and physical both are unbelievable when you look at this hyper, happy little woman. I know all the ugly secrets but to me they all come together to create this strong, fragile woman who amazes me and captivates me. There was absolutely no resistance to her charm. I fell in love so hard and so fast, I couldn't believe it. Now for the past three months, I've been trying to pretend I'm okay but the truth is, I'm worried sick about her.

I wrote her aunt and gave her a letter for Trena. I hope she gets it. I know she will contact her aunt eventually. I just hope she reads my words and believes what I have said.

People can know me, hear me or read my words and they'll never find anything in this world or Heaven above that is more sincere and genuine than my love for my family, my son and Trena. I'd endure all the pain and bad in this world without hesitation if I could take it from them. That's the truth. But the reality is that I can't help them. That's the worst part of prison. I can't protect the ones I cherish. I'm gone for now but I'll be back in a few days. I want to be a stranger again.

07 June 2005

I'm back. One thing I miss about lock-up units is air conditioning. It's only in the 80s and I'm sweating my skinny butt off! I got lucky and got a fan. I saw an old friend of mine and he told me he had just gotten an ounce of weed and asked if I wanted a joint. I told him no cause I'm on the scared straight program! :) He laughed but it's basically the truth. If you get a dirty piss test, they take your contact visits. The last time I got into trouble it was for defending myself. I can justify that to my son and mom but how do you tell your 12 year old son you can't hug him because you wanted to smoke a joint? Anyway, right after I talked to Todd a guy came up to me and told me he was selling a brand new fan for a joint. So I sent Todd a note and told him if the offer was still open, I'd take the joint so I could buy a fan. It worked out pretty good.

I also ran into a good deal on some gym shoes. It's gonna take all the commissary I have this week but I can live a couple of weeks without coffee. These shoes are good ball shoes and I'm only paying $15.00 for them. Then next month I can buy some new cheap shoes for visits and church.

I got an awesome visit last Saturday. My sister Leslie, my nephew T.J., and niece Jessica came in for two hours then Leslie's husband Dan and my other nephew Dakota Sean came in for 1-1/2 hours. It was nice seeing them. Dan and I went to school together. He's a good guy and he makes my sister happy so it's cool. T.J. is 17 and as with typical teenagers, he runs and runs. I hadn't seen him in about six years. I'll always see him as the five year old little boy he was when I was arrested. It's hard to believe he is driving now.

My mother and grandma are coming to visit next week. My grandma is not well and this may be the last time I see her. I hope not but she is getting old and her health isn't too good. It's not so bad because she is a good Christian and there's no doubt in my mind that she will have a place in Heaven. I know it will be extremely hard for my mom though, that's the worst part.

It's almost time for supper so I'm gone for now. I'll add more later.

08 June 2005

Back again. I just finished getting all my stuff ready for recreation. It seems like the older I get, the longer it takes to get ready. I start about an hour early. I get my shower stuff ready then I stretch for about 15 minutes. Then I fix a strong shot of coffee and take 1/2 an ibuprofen. It loosens my joints up. Then it's more stretching. When they ring the bell I either play a few games of basketball then do some jogging or sometimes I call home and go running after the sun goes down. I think I'm gonna skip tomorrow and just be lazy to give my knees and ankles some time to rest up. So tonight I'm gonna try to get in 3 games and 3 miles. I gotta stay healthy!

I just saw a commercial about Father's Day on too. It made me think of my father. Talk about love/hate feelings! My emotions are all twisted when it comes to him.

Damn, the guard just passed by my cell with the mail! I didn't get any. I'll start getting some soon enough. I'm gonna put an ad on the internet for a Pen-Pal. It costs $20.00 for one year. It will be nice getting to know some new people. A few years ago my friend got hooked up with this guy in England. We all thought he was gay but he wasn't. It turned out he was an ex-con and a biker who knew what it was like to be down. He would cruise all over England on his bike and take all these awesome pictures of castles and landscapes! It was awesome. Hopefully I can meet someone like that. I'm not really looking for romance but would love to make some new friends.

I still haven't found a job. It's so hot that I'm not really all that excited about working but if I don't find a job soon, they will move me to an idle cell house and I'm comfortable where I'm at now. Plus, I need money. If you work forty hours a week you can make $10-$12 a week. Every little bit helps. I hate asking my family for money. I could always hustle for money but then I risk getting into trouble again. It's better just to try and work. It may take a few months but eventually I can work myself into a good job. Well it's time to go play so I'm gone for now.

13 June 2005

Another long day. It's hot and humid today so I've been laying in bed with a fan on me all morning. I still haven't found a job so I've been staying up late and sleeping during the day when it's hottest. One good thing about the heat is that I can get a good sweat on at recreation. We go at 7:15 p.m. so the sun doesn't burn my pale ass but it's still hot enough to play ball and jog and sweat a lot. I've been drinking about 2 gallons of water a day then I sweat it all out and it flushes all the toxins out of my system. That's why I don't get sick. I've been working on my abs to get my six-pack back too. It's coming. I have this thing about the stomach. I think I look like shit without any cuts. I'm down to about 12% body fat. I want to get to 7 or 8%. I eat like a horse. I've been eating four meals a day too.

Michael Jackson just beat his child molestation case. Can you believe it? The news anchor said they had 4 witnesses and 500 pieces of evidence! What does it take to get to get convicted in California? I don't believe he is innocent. There's just too much against him.

I was watching the country music countdown and there were a couple of songs that made me think of Trena so I wrote a little poem. It's time to eat then off to recreation. I'll add more later.

16 June 2005

Sitting here listening to the Top 20 on CMT. They're getting ready to play #1. As I listen to it, I am looking at one of my photo albums. The first half is of me over the years, the second half is Wesley over the years. Keith Urbane "Making Memories of Us" is #1. So the music makes me think of love and family and the magic of life, then in the photo album I see a picture of Wesley and Trena together in my mom's kitchen and it reminds me of the love and desire I have for Trena to be in our lives. This is the reason I never allowed anyone in for over 9 years. Then Trena came along and tore through my life. My safe little life.

Oh yeah! I had a good visit yesterday. My mom and grandma came. I haven't seen my grandma in about 4 years. She's getting so thin! Mom and her went to camp meeting with their church and the campsite is near here, so they came by. It was nice seeing my grandma. My grandpa died 1 " years ago and grandma just isn't the same. I think she's ready to give up and join him. They are both good Christians and there's no doubt in my mind, they will be in Heaven together.

Alright, alright, enough for now. Hope you enjoy.

21 June 2005

It's only Tuesday and already I'm worn out. Last week was a busy week. I still haven't founda job but I'm still looking. I had an interview down at the Welding shop. I used to be a pretty good welder, but that was years ago. I went in and the boss asked me if I could weld. I said yea and ran a bead. It wasn't perfect but it was sufficient. Then he tells me the position is for a black person because they have to employ at least one black in the shop. That aggravates the piss out of me. If I can do the job and I'm qualified, why should my race be a factor? Now, a week later the job is still open! But there are two other jobs open that I'd like to have more. One is a clerk at the Chapel and the other is a clerk in the law library. Both are air conditioned and I have access to a type-writer! You would think as much as I write that I'd have excellent handwriting but as you can see that's not the case.

Oh yeah, before I forget, I had some pictures made for this pen-pal site on the internet. I'm sending one with my journal. Maybe they'll find a way to put it on the computer with my journal.

I went to church Saturday. I'm no saint and I don't have a holier than thou attitude. The truth is, I go for me. I know I could be a better person so I'm searching for ways to grow and become a better man. But I was shocked when I walked in Saturday. When I left here 2 " years ago the top dog in the illegal tobacco and weed trade was a guy named Cliff. He is my age and came to prison about the time I did. Then in 2002 he was The Man! He had a mule and was selling 10 cans a week. Mule: A guard or civilian who traffics contraband Can: 6 oz. of tobacco worth $300 but costs $3.50 on the street Plus he was selling weed. Everyone knew him and everyone paid him. He had watches, shoes, gold chains, you name it. Most of all he had Respect!

Anyway, I go to church last Saturday and here is Cliff. He is running the whole service. I couldn't believe it! He looked happier than before. I didn't get a chance to talk to him but I could see the change in him. It was wild because I never would have thought he would look for more out of life.

I called my sister last week and found out my oldest sister Tami has been dating an ex-con. He did time here a couple of years ago. He got drunk the other day and beat her up and tried to rape her! I was hostile! I'm not a violent person but if I could get my hands on him, I'd try to break his back. I think men who beat on women are cowards! They come to prison and become bitches!

I wish so bad that I could be out there to protect my family. They have been here for me all these years and I can't be there for them when they need it. That's what tears me up.

Everyone in the cell house is going crazy because the Warden is coming in. I hope he comes up here. I'm gonna ask him why the hot water has been off since 1:30 am! I need to shave! Everyone is scared of him but to me, he's just another employee of the D.O.C. Okay, I've rambled on enough for now. I'll write more later.

22 June 2005

Another day in the criminal justice system. This place never stops amazing me. I was at recreation last night and I played a few games of basketball so I jumped into the shower. You have to visualize our showers. We have over 300 people at recreation and only 8 shower heads. Needless to say its always an adventure. I don't usually have too many problems because I know a lot of people and I'm a little older. But the young white guys always get tested. So last night these black guys were hassling this new white kid. One guy called the kid a bitch and smacked him in the face. The kid was scared to death and didn't fight back. He just got his stuff and left. I tried to catch him and talk to him after recreation but I couldn't find him. Some other white gang members found him and told him that if he didn't do something that everyone would pick on him and he would get raped. So they give him a knife and at lunch today he stabbed the guy who hit him. So now he will go to lock-u! p, plus he will get 30 more years in prison for attempted murder. The truth is that they were gonna test him and he was gonna have to fight or be a homosexual. But what I would have suggested is that he get some white guys to back him up, then go to the black dude and tell him to go under the steps and fight one on one. He might have won but even if he lost, he would have had a couple of bruises, nothing serious. And he would have earned some respect. But these so called "righteous" Aryan Brothers and Saxson Knights just cost him the rest of his life in prison!

This is why I sit at a table by myself and I don't socialize with anyone. I have one black friend and we eat breakfast together but that's it. You can't get close to people in here because 99% of them are pieces of shit. The scum of the Earth. Everyone knows I will fight if there is no other option and they know I'm pretty good, I've never lost a one-on-one fight in prison. I guess its pretty sad that that's one of my very few accomplishments while in prison? But I'm only 13 credits away from my Associates at Ball State. I'll be able to take my last semester in August of 06. I have to renew my grand in Jan, then I'll have to wait until the following semester to go. Until then, I'm gonna try to get a job as a clerk in the religious service building or as a clerk in the law library. I'll have access to a type-writer then so I can work on my novel. I have 427 handwritten pages completed but I figure that's only about two-thirds of it. If I can spend a month learning to type! , I can finish the first book before college starts Then I can go straight into that while I see how the books sells if it sells. I'll have to put it in my mom's name because I can't sell it while I'm in prison.

Damn, I'm glad this month is almost over. It's always my crisis month. In June of 98 the first woman I ever loved, truly loved, was killed by a drunk driver at 25 years old. June of 01 my father died, June 01 his mother, my grandma, died. In June 93 I got married and every June has Father's Day. So far, this June has been okay. Maybe I'll escape the crisis this year.

23 June 2005

Went to commissary to pick up my order and they screwed me out of $10.00 for some shoes insoles that I didn't order. That $10.00 caused my food order to be short so all I got was a bag of coffee and a few soups. That sucks. I'll get my 9.81 refunded but it will take about 2 weeks. I guess I can't complain, I'm surviving.

I sent a note up to the chapel today to a guy I know named Jim Nidemour. I'm hoping he can put in a good word for me up there. Its an air-conditioned job at a desk. Plus, I think it's B-pay which is about $35 a month.

I've got a law library pass at 5:30 today. I'm gonna get a copy of this smily vs. state case. It supposedly sets the precedent for the Blakely vs. Washington case but for Indiana. I'll read it myself and check it out. Plus I'll talk to Larry Fowler. He is the civilian who runs the law library. I know him so I'm gonna see if he'll hire me. I'm trying my ass off to get a job!

I received a note from Stephanie, a woman who is reading my journal and working to help us prisoners. I wanted to put a note in here for you since you are reading this and say thank you for your letter. I realize how busy you must be. I know you don't have much free time but it was nice to get a letter and nice to know someone was actually reading what I write. Thank you! It's always nice to talk to or hear from a human. :)

I guess I'm gonna wrap this up so I can get ready for the law library. I'll write again in a few days.

25 June 2005

Just got out of the shower. Usually I take one at recreation. It's the only way we can shower. There are 9 shower heads that 150 men have to use in 7.5 minutes. Just imagine the turmoil. Especially for a white guy with racial tattoos everywhere! Sure makes me think of the dumb-ass decisions I made as a youngster. I'm too old to be fighting them 20 and 25 year olds. I'm still in good shape and have more stamina than the majority of guys I know, it's just that the older you get, the longer it takes to heal up!

I called momma last night. I've been calling her on Friday evening. She gives me all the latest family news. My sister got beat up by her boyfriend. He is an ex-con. Can you believe it? She is so beautiful, she is an R.N. who makes over thirty an hour and mother of one 17 " year old daughter. She really has it going on except for this bad taste in men. Every man she gets close too is a jack-ass who abuses her either mentally or physically. Always! This last bitch, Danny South, has only been dating her for a few weeks and he beat her up already. Then Tami takes him back! If I were out, there would be problems because every time he came to a family event, I'd beat his ass! When I come home, my family won't be hurt if I can stop it. Through all my years of letting them down, hurting them and causing my mom grief, my family has never, ever let me down.

It must run in the family. Mom's first husband Wayne Poulton is a drug-addict, second husband, Tony Samples, my father, was an alcoholic, adulterer and woman beater. Third husband, a child molester.

27 June 2005

Another hot day! Just went to lunch. We had pizza but it had pork on it so I ate salad, lima beans and corn. I was supposed to sneak down to the maintenance dept. and pick up some commissary for a friend of mine but I got caught going through the check-point. They asked what I was doing and I told them I was going to talk to Lt. Weston about getting a job in Sanitation. Of course they told me to send him a request slip and didn't let me through. I don't know how Todd is gonna get all that shit back here.

I had a dream about my father this morning. It was my little sister Keia's birthday and I took her to see dad. He was drunk and didn't have much to say. My sister Keia grew up in Georgetown with a man named Hank. Hank was Keia's mom's ex-boyfriend but he raised Keia like she was his. He is a fine man and she had a decent life but it's hard growing up without your mom or your dad. When I got old enough to drive, I used to go out to Georgetown on weekends and pick Keia up. We'd go to the park or the ice cream shop called Polly's Freeze. Now Keia is married with two kids and living in Georgetown again. She is a little wild still. I ahte it that she is friends with all of dad's old friends. They are all drug addicts. But, I guess she feels closer to dad. I think those friends aided in his death. I also don't remember his friends taking him to visit her.

I haven't seen Keia in several years. She used to live in Texas and she came to see me after dad died in 2001, that's the last time I saw her.

I'm watching MSNBC as I write and they are talking about the Ten Commandments in public places. They said 90% of Americans believe in "One God" as the creator and only 3% of Americans actually appose the commandments being displayed. I don't see a problem with it but I'm amazed that 3% of the population can cause this stir. It is an example of Freedom in America and shows how all voices can be heard. I don't think people realize the country we actually have. Saturday I went to church and there was a minister there who had just come from the Ukraine and to hear him talk about the country was amazing. You couldn't drink the water, there were no driving rules so there are crazy drivers everywhere and wrecks at every corner. He said the nice sections of town were equal to the projects in our slums. Glad I'm in America. Everyone wants to complain about America but most people don't realize how well we have it.

Oh yeah, I also found out that my son's mom found a house to live in. My mom gave her $300 to get the house. I'm so glad Wesley can get out of the projects. It's a different school district too. Also, I found out my mom is bringing Wesley up on either the 3rd or 4th of July. I'm gonna get a picture of just he and I together. I can't wait. Well I'm gone for now. I gotta write my momma so I'll write more later.

27 June 2005

I've almost made it through the month without a tragedy! I'm amazed! They brought some guys in from R.D.C yesterday. RDC (Regional Diagnostic Center) is where all offenders go after the court sentences them. They are given doctor's exams and classified to the appropriate security level prison. Pendleton and Michigan City are level 4. That's the highest level except for lock-up which is called SuperMax level 5. Anyway, the guys that come from RDC are brand new to the system. One of the guys is a 19 year old black kid. He came to the ball court last night and the kid is amazing! After I played 4 games, I jogged two miles than sat at the picnic table and watched this kid. It's such a waste because of his talent. He got caught selling crack and he had a gun on him so he got 50 years. His whole life is over because he was selling drugs. Now he will get into a gang, and turn into a "thug." I think about this stuff and I can't quit thinking that there has to be some way to save ! some of these kids. There are 1800 people in these walls. Most of them started doing time before they were 25 years old. That's a lot of lives wasted. I realize some of them are true criminals that are destined to prison or death but a lot of them are just kids who made poor choices and end up becoming hardened criminals. Don't get me wrong, I believe we need prisons and I don't want to imply that I think these people should be free. I don't mean that at all. But it just seems that there isn't any reform in prison. They just lock you up and forget about you.

Just went to lunch. They sent us early because it was just bologna. Then we came back and the power went out. I'm not too worried about the TV but it's hot without my fan! It's back on now. :)

My neighbor is in a gang. It's called the Saxon Knights. I had to fight one of them in 2001. I won and it caused some tension. But my neighbor is in G.E.D. classes and asked me for my help with his writing. He is a good dude and I'm hoping this will lessen the tension between them and myself. I don't want close friends but I'd be glad to lose some enemies! Plus, Rodney is "good people" as my dad used to call them. I think it's a responsibility to help someone gain education. I'm blessed to have what I do have and helping someone learn will only sharpen my abilities.

I think at 32, I'm finally starting to grow. I look at my past and I don't like that person. I was dishonest, untrustworthy, and al all around jack-ass. But I want to be known as a good man now. I'm realizing that my lifestyle had to change.

I may be at the bottom rung of the ladder but as long as I'm moving forward it's progress toward my ultimate goal. I want to be thought of as a good husband, good father, good son, and good friend. That's my ultimate goal.

I can't get over how old I'm getting. Guys on the ball court are calling me "old school!" It seems like just yesterday I was playing ball with the old school dudes! Last night I told this kid I was only 32 and he looked at me like I was ancient. You already know I wasn't about to lose another game after that! We ended up losing one out of four.

Oh yeah, I saw Quinn in the kitchen today. Quinn is the civilian who runs the yard dept. I stopped and asked about a job and he said maybe. Then I saw Lt. Slayton, who I've been cool with since he was a Sgt. Anyway, I asked if he was cool with Quinn. He said yeah, and I asked him to holler at him for me. He did and he came back and said "Be cool, I got ya." So I'm pretty sure I have the job. I hate the sun but, a job is a job. Actually it's an awesome job but I have a pigment problem and parts of my skin don't tan. So when I get sun and tan, you can see white un-tanned spots on my hands and arms. You can't see them unless I get tanned. I complex on it because it's like a defect, you know?

I saw on the news how this county coroner was on the internet with this woman and told her he would give her $750.00 cash if she would let her kids watch him have sex with her! She turned him in and they busted him at the hotel with $750.00 cash! What is that? If it was one of my family members, I'd rather meet him than tell the cops. Every time he thought of sex his kneews would throb cause I'd crush them both with a baseball bat. I think that's why there was less crime years ago. People stood up more. This sick fuck will end up with 10 years and be free in 4. Do you know where your kids are right now? Chances are a pervert does!

Gotta change the subject. I get irritated with that line of thought. It's a nice day, the rain is cooling it off, so I'll have a good recreation tonight. I've got an ear infection so a good sweat will be good for me. I haven't been sick in quite awhile except for eating some bad food. Gotta stay healthy. It's almost show time again. I don't usually eat much for supper because we go to recreation at 7 p.m. I can't run on a full stomach. Todd has been sending me food to cook. If I cook it he supplies it. I help when I can. I'll have to get back to this later.

09 July 2005

I survived the month of June! But it looks like July is gonna be a tough one.

My mother, brother, and son were supposed to come to visit on the 4th. They didn't show up. I called home last night and found out my mother just got out of the hospital. Her kidneys are shutting down. She has worked her ass off all her life to raise us kids and her body is breaking down from years of abuse. She told me she would bring Wesley to visit Sunday if she is feeling alright. I want to take a picture of just he and I together. I had one from when he was about 5 years old but Trena has it and I haven't heard from her since Feb.

I did get some good news. Wesley's mom found a house and they moved out of the projects. Plus, he can go to a better school. State Run school is full of trouble makers. Mostly project kids. I don't mean that all project kids are bad. I don't mean to sound better than anyone. I lived in the PJs for several years but you can't blame me for wanting better for my son. That life is a hard life.

I'm going to church tonight. There is a band and I've been sitting up front so I can watch the drummer. I've always wanted to play. I wish I could get a job up there. I'd get the guy to teach me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the church service too but there are so many hypocrites. They think they can run around and gang bang all week then they spend two hours in church and think they are Christians. I understand forgiveness but I don't believe you can commit the same sins over and over and repeatedly be forgiven. But then who knows when a man could actually become saved? I guess I shouldn't judge so quickly.

I'm watching MSNBC and they are talking about the bombings in London. I just don't understand the whole terrorist concept. Before 9/11 I was a self proclaimed neo-Nazi. I was watching television when the attack happened. I saw it from right after the first plane hit until after the second one hit. I understand the terrorists not liking us. I don't blame them, I don't think we should have been over there interfering but the cowards didn't kill soldiers of politicians, they attacked mothers, fathers, children, whites, blacks, and all other races. I saw how we stood up as a country, every race and defended our homeland. That's when I started growing my hair and became more of a Patriot.

I'm back. I was surfing the TV. I can't get over the women on TV now. I gotta get out! I'm getting old! When I was in school I always had the baddest babe. I've got a whole photo album full of girls but they're all just old photos. All those girls are married or have moved away. They went to college or started families. I went to prison.

Now I see these girls on TV and I realize that even if I got out today, where would I fit? I mean where would I go to socialize and meet people? I'm too old for college parties and bars. So I wonder where I would meet people. I also wonder if I'm so different from the average person that I'd have difficulty relating to people. I've changed a lot in here. Today I was at lunch waiting to go back to my cell and an old friend approached me. He had both his hands in his pockets and as he walked up, I stood up straight, legs slightly apart and hands halfway raised. In a fighting stance. It was just a reaction because he could have had a knife in his pocket. I realize that is not normal behavior. I guess you learn to react without thinking when you've been stabbed twice.

15 July 2005

Another day, another installment in the diary of the insane. I'm in trouble again! I just can't seem to get along with these idiots!

On Wednesday a young black guy approached me and asked if my name was Sean and if I knew his cousin "Big Luv." Big Luv is one of the top guys in the Gangster Disciples. I had a problem with him a couple of years ago and he sent one of his goons after me. I smashed him and life got worse. Anyway, Big LUv is gone now but evidently this young guy heard the story and decided he wanted to earn a reputation off of me. So Wednesday, after supper, I was going back to my cell and three young black guys cornered me. One of them had a knife. To be honest, I was a little worried. Luckily a guard came up the steps and I used that opportunity to get to my cell. Then, Thursday the counselor who is a woman I've known for 10 years calls me to her office and asks what's going on. I'm not sure if the guard had noticed something or if someone else said something. I didn't say anything. Mrs. Martinez asked if I was interested in moving and I said yes. So after lunch they moved me to "G" cell! house, which is a disciplinary cell house. I'm on the red tag which means I'm locked in my cell all day. They bring me food and I guess I get to use the phone--I'm not quite sure yet. To be honest I don't care. Any place they put me I'm still behind a 40 foot wall separated from the real world.

The only thing that bothers me is that I have quit doing drugs, quit smoking cigarettes, quit associating with people and was trying to stay out of trouble and here I sit. I guess it's a testimony to the past always coming back to haunt you.

As long as I have my pen, paper, and books, I'll get by okay. I kinda like being isolated from all these idiots. At least now I don't have to worry about keeping my guard up non-stop. I can relax and focus on other things. Well, I'm gone for now. I wanna get this in the mail.

23 July 2005

Another day in paradise. I'm locked in my cell on red tag and I still manage to get into trouble! I'm a magnet, I guess.

Today I'm sitting in my cell reading Newsweek when this short white guy comes to my cell. He looks at me and says "I remember you, I'll holler at you when you come out of your cell" and walks away. So I'm racking my brain for hours and finally I remember him. About 4 years ago we got into an argument and he said something out of line but we were standing right in front of the Captain's office so I told him to bring his punk-ass around the corner and he wouldn't come. So I walked away and forgot about it. Now, four years later I'm trying to figure out why he suddenly has the balls to try me? So, I talk to a guy I know and come to find out, this little guy is probating for the Aryan Brotherhood. In order to join, you have to "clean-up" any "scars" on your name. Evidently, the Aryans found out I called him a punk and now they won't accept him unless he cleans it up. How stupid is this? Doesn't it sounds like some schoolyard bullshit? I'm 32 years old and I'm tired of the ki! d games. The worst part is if he really wants to join, he might come up behind me or even get a knife. I feel like going to recreation and getting a baseball bat and start smashing people I don't get along with. I'll go to lock0up for a year but after that, people will leave me alone! Right now, people know I will fight if I'm forced to and they know I'm pretty good but they also know I go out of my way to avoid trouble. So a lot of guys like to see how far they can push me.

So, I'm sitting here, in the heat mad as hell at this whole "gang" thing, when an old friend comes to my cell. He tells me his girl just came to visit him and smuggled some balloons of cocaine in to him. He throws me a balloon and says to try it out.

So I'm mad and hot and sitting here with a hundred dollars worth of cocaine. My mouth starts watering and my stomach is doing flips. I don't think it's possible to describe this drug to someone who hasn't done it. I guess maybe it's like feeling like a super hero. I won't lie, I love it.

After a few minutes my brain clears and I think about Trena. I know in my heart that she is strung out. She's probably alone and sick and ashamed all because of her addiction. Her heart is pure and even if her and I hadn't worked out, she wouldn't have stopped talking to my sister. They've been best friends for 24 years, and she wouldn't go 5 months without seeing her aunt, who raised her.

So now my head is all screwed up, I want to get away from these idiots, I want to snort this cocaine, I want to talk to Trena, I want air conditioning and there is a hundred other things going through my head.

In the end, I flushed the cocaine in the toilet and sat down to write Wesley. It seems like the only way for me to regain focus is to think about my son. That probably sounds so melodramatic but when you're an addict, you do whatever works. It's a constant battle, especially in prison.

It also helps when I write these journal entries. It's a way for me to explain my side of things. Plus, I get to vent my frustrations. I guess I probably sounds like a psycho for real, but this is my life. Plan and simple, this is the truth. I was a liar, an addict, and a con, it landed me in prison and for the first 9 years of imprisonment, I ruined my name and screwed a lot of people over. Now, I want to change but my past keeps coming to haunt me. Don't feel sorry for me. 99% of my problems are brought on by something I did. A perfect example is my tattoos. I have Hitler's tombstone on my back with him coming out of the grave. I also have my tombstone 1973-1993, the year I was born to the year I was arrested, with a big swastika on top of it. So the Aryans don't like me because I associate with blacks and the blacks that don't know me, always have something to say when I get into the shower. Imagine walking into a shower room with eight shower heads and twenty people m! oving in and out of the water. And to top it off, this prison is 65% black! It's an adventure every day!

Alright, it's late and I need my rest because I'll probably have to fight on Monday. I'm gonna do everything I can to avoid it at least for a week or so. My mom is bringing Wesley up to visit on the 30th and I want a picture of just the two of us I'll write again in a few days.

11 August 2005

I'm back. I've had a pretty exciting week. Last Sunday, my mom brought my son Wesley up to visit. It's the first contact visit I've had with him in 6 years! It was awesome! It might sounds silly but I loved touching him. I kept messing his hair up. He told me he goes by "Wes" now. I guess he wants a more manly sounding name. After all, he is almost twelve. We talked a little about girls. He says he has kissed a girl but nothing else. I know it might be a little premature to have the sex talk but I'd rather be early rather than late. There are a lot of diseases around now. We also talked about drugs a little bit. It's kinda hard because I'm not out there with him so I don't know what he is getting into, you know. There is a lot that he is missing out on because I'm in here. I asked him if he had ever been camping or fishing and he said yeah, twice! At his age, I knew how to do it all and he can't even build a fire! At 12 years old, I was repelling in Red River Gorge hundr! eds of feet high mountains. My dad was a drunk but he was a good outdoorsman. One of his best friends was a professional mountain climber.

I got a picture of Wes and me together. I love it. Mom took it to make copies. I can't wait to get mine.

Last Tuesday was a fight on the ball court. This big black guy punched this white guy and they started fighting. Then two more black guys ran over there and acted like they were gonna get involved. So naturally, I stepped up and told them to stay out of it because it was one on one. Later that day this Aryan Brotherhood guy comes up to me and says he saw me stand up to those guys and he tries to recruit me. I couldn't believe it. I told him I appreciate it but I'm not interested. I told him I stand up for what is right, color has nothing to do with it. He didn't care for that too much. I just can't see joining an organization where you have to defend all your "brothers" even if they are wrong. Besides that, I don't agree with the whole gang thing to begin with. I just thought it was funny that they tried to recruit me.

Oh yeah, I got $50.00 in the mail yesterday. That's always good! I was out of all my cosmetics so that will replenish my supplies. :)

I got a letter from Dee Dee too. Our relationship is weird. I used to live with her mom when she was younger. Then she became a teenager and she was so hot but she was young. So I kept my distance. I was 18. After I came to prison she became a stripper and sent me all kinds of pictures. She is so sexy, 5 foot, 95 lbs, blond hair, blue eyes, and beautiful. Now she is in prison for breaking into the courthouse and stealing evidence in her boyfriend's trial. He told on her! Can you believe it? Anyway, in her letters she talks about her girlfriend a lot. So I wrote and asked if she meant her female friend or an actual girlfriend. She said her girlfriend who she was in love with. Then she said her girlfriend would accept me and asked what I thought. I probably sound gay as hell but I had to tell her the truth. I want to be in love with a partner forever and I couldn't share even if it was with another woman. I mean I think every guy fantasizes about two women and I'm sure it ! would be fun but to me, sex is such a small part of what I'm looking for. I can do that by myself. I want the emotional bond to go with the physical act. Now Dee Dee probably thinks I'm a homo. I mean how many normal guys would pass up two hot chics? I was pretty popular in school and I dated some of the hottest chics in school. I've slept with two sisters and done about everything you can think of. It was fun when I was younger but it was all meaningless. I want something more. Okay, I'm finished for now. More in a few days.

12 August 2005

This is about to show the bad side of me and I hate to let anyone see that but if this journal is going to be honest then I have to take you through my actions and my thoughts.

Today, after lunch, I went to the Sanitation Dept. to talk to the Lt. about a job, also I hollered at some friends I know. When I come back to my cell, I immediately notice my television and headphones are gone. SO I go cell to cell asking questions and finally I find out it was this group of white dudes who did it but no one will tell me who exactly was responsible. So this black fag comes up to me and says he can probably get it all straightened out. So I watch who he talks to and I figure exactly who did it. But I don't know where the TV is so if I beat his ass, I'm still out $150.00. So the fag comes back and says he can get my TV back if I pay a thirty dollar extortion bill! So, I said I'll be the last one in the cell house and when I get there I want my shit in front of my cell. I told them I didn't care who it was and that I would pay the $30.00.

So I came in and there my shit was. Now that I have it all back, I'm gonna hurt "Shorty." I could beat him up but then I'd go to D/S for 6 months in this heat, plus I'd come back out and people would still try me. So I'm gonna make an example of this little bitch. I can't believe this kid has the balls to take something from me. My hands are piss! Straight gasoline! I have never lost a one on one fight. I beat bitches up who stabbed me and I've beat 260 lb weight lifters up. I can fight for real! I just choose to try and avoid confrontation. So in an effort to prevent future problems, I'm gonna hurt this kid. Tomorrow morning at recreation I'm gonna get a baseball bat and run up on this bitch and break some bones. I'm afraid if I stab him he might die, so I'm just gonna bust up his legs. I'm gonna do it in front of everyone. I'm tired of these bitch ass Aryans sending guys at me because they don't like the face that I don't agree with their views. If I use a weapon or rat! her, because I'm using a weapon I will get a year on lock-up but I'll be at M.C.C or S.H.U and they have a/c. As long as I've got my pen, paper, and stamps, I can do time anywhere! Andnext year when I come back, no one will mess with me!

15 August 2005

Well that was my bad side! I'm sorry for that. I was mad but I calmed down and used my head. I came back from supper and all my stuff was in front of my cell.

I talked to some old school dudes before supper and told them to spread the word that when I found out who did it I was gonna put him in the hospital. These guys are people I've known for years and they've seen me do some ugly shit so they know the truth of it. Of course, I already knew who did it but I wanted to give him the chance to correct his mistake. All this was Friday. So I go to recreation Sunday and Shorty walks up to me and says he did it and he was sorry. So I told him to walk with me and we walked to the baseball diamond, then we went to the bleachers and I told him to look under the seats. There was a baseball bat there. I told him that I wasn't a bad ass but I wasn't planning on fighting. If I hadn't gotten my stuff back, I would have broken both his knees. He turned white as a sheet.

My point is that I really think he learned a lesson. Most of these guys are nothing-ass dudes but every once in a while you run across a guy who is willing to take it to the next level and the problem is that you don't know who will and who won't until it's too late. I'm gone for now.

18 August 2005

Today has significance for two important reasons. Today is my sister Leslie's 34th birthday. Also on this day in 1994, I was sentenced to 70 years in prison. Leslie was there with me, behind me, on her 23rd birthday. My whole family, well mom, Tami, and Leslie. My little brother Tommy was with me when I was arrested and he was only 10 at my sentencing so he wasn't there.

Not only did she attend my trial but she named her third child after me! His name is Dakota Sean. My family has always stood with me! I'm truly blessed.

I want to explain something before I go on with this journal. I am writing this in hopes that my 11 " year old son might get a chance to read it in the future. So some of the things I write are written with him in mind. I want to show how important family, honesty , trust and hard work are.

Now back to my wanton jabbering. :)

Anyway, yesterday I received a letter and some pictures from Leslie. Her and her boyfriend of 10 years built a deck on their house with a full bar and hot tub. Dan is awesome with home remodeling. My son Wesley and my nephew Dakota Sean, hang out a lot so I'm hoping he sees Dan. Dan is a stomp down, solid man! He is a master mechanic at Ford and treats my sister like a queen. Plus he is a good dad! He works hard and has a decent life to show for it. HE drinks on occasion and smokes every blue moon. In my opinion, he is a hell of an example! I know a lot of people are put off by reefer, I'm not, for a responsible individual. I have an addiction problem so I don't think it's good for me to smoke but in general and in moderation I don't condemn it.

It's hard to believe Leslie is 34! I remember when she used to sit in the grass and play hot wheels with me. Tami wouldn't play with the Hot Wheels though. We played other games like 1,2,3 Go! We'd run and do some task as quick as we could. On we would go into a room and push all the furniture against the walls and try to walk around the room on the furniture without touching the floor. We'd jump from the dresser to the bed to the chair to the table etc. etc. When we were young we were extremely poor, we lived in abandoned buildings and the projects etc. We didn't have many toys so we found other ways to entertain ourselves. It caused us to have a strong bond though. We have always been there for each other.

Oh yeah Leslie's letter talked about taking my baby brother to a bar for his 21st birthday. It was July 28th. Tami, Leslie and him went out. I sure wish I could have been there 21! I will always see that 9 year old boy who was clinging to me, crying when the police descended on my like an army! Here I was with my little brother, tuning up my mom's car up, and they came down like S.W.A.T! I knew that had to freak Tommy out. He had several years of therapy. Luckily, he turned out pretty good. He is a little lazy but 21 is a fun age. He does work full time. Personally, I wish he was in school, and believe me, he could have scholarships in basketball and music. He's been playing piano for 11 years and keyboards about 15! I taught him his first two songs on a stolen Yamaha keyboard. He learned "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue and "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. Two classics. He can play anything he can hear! And he seems to be a damn good ball player. He is 6'8" and 200! lbs! I'm 6'4" and 205 and they can't hold me here. Even the youngsters can hang. I'm 100% now. Games are to 20 and I score 8, get 3 assists and at least 5 rebounds a game every game! So if Tommy has half my skill with his size, he should be smashing boys!

I know I talk a lot of shit about basketball but there are two things I'm really good at and I've never been stopped at; basketball and pinochle. So yea, I talk, I can back it up. Fo Sho! Fo sho!

Damn, I was just sitting here jamming out and thinking how cool it would be for me, Wesley and Tommy to get bikes and take our gear camping through the tri-state area. That's Indiana, Ohio, and Kentucky. I've been all through Kentucky and Tennessee in fruit trucks and on bikes. In the summer I'd go with my dad to pick up Watermelons or Cantelopes. We pick them up from farmer's and bring them back to Frailey's fruit market on Hwy 31. Dad was good friends with the owner and best friends with the owner's son. Clarence is a 6'6", 260 lb. biker that has a beautiful but tiny wife, Lena. She's about a hundred pounds but you can believe she calls the shots in that house. I remember when I was 12 or 13 my dad took me to see Tanya Tucker in concert. It was Clarence, Lena, Dad, me and Teri, who is my baby sister Keia's mom. Anyway., everyone is drunk and this Outlaw biker grabbed Lena's ass, it was on! Clarence picked him up and slammed his as son the concrete. The only problem was ! there was about seven outlaws and just Clarence and Dad. Dad lost 3 teeth that night and Clarence took his worst ass whipping. But you can bet your ass them Outlaws wouldn't pinch Lena's ass again to this day! It was an ugly battle.

I gotta admit dad bonded with me somewhat. It was more of a friendship than a father/son relationship. I think I needed some guidance during those years you know? I want to be friends with Wesley but I want to teach him to be a man too. I don't think it's cool to be out brawling. I know I fight a little but that's because I'm surrounded by youngsters. They are rowdy as hell. The weak get turned out or hospitalized. Life in here should never be compared with life out there. It's a different world with different rules. Like High School only a little more dangerous! The stakes are higher. Okay, I've rambled on enough for now. I'll write again soon.

20 August

I'm back and of course I'm in trouble again. I'm on red tag for fighting! I went to commissary yesterday and on the way back 3 Latinos tried to take my stuff. Of course I fought and lost. I'm supposed to get x-rays Monday. I think I broke some ribs. This is probably the worst beating I've taken. Both of my hands are swollen, my ribs hurt and I look like a jack-o-lantern. I'm gonna close this up and get some rest.

26 August 2005

Another day in the life of a felon! I'm still sitting here waiting to see what the investigator is gonna do to me over this fight. They told me to write a statement. I wrote one paragraph and said someone I didn't know who, then I went down. If I told on the guys who did it then I'd be labeled a snitch and life would be rough.

I saw an ugly fight yesterday. It happened right in front of my cell. There was a white guy named J.C. that failed a urine test so he knew he was going to lock-up as soon as the results came back. Then, there was this homosexual black guy named Dixon who is a known snitch. So everybody talked J.C> into beating Dixon up. He was going to lock-up anyway. So J.C. gets three combination locks and puts them on the end of a belt. Then he comes up behind Dixon and hits him in the side of the head with these three locks. It was ugly! He got hit at least four times. He is still in the hospital. I don't like Dixon, he is a real piece of shit, but I don't think anyone deserves to get beaten like that. J.C. is gonna have a rough time in prison. He lets people tlak him into stuff all the time. He wants to fit in and be liked. If he would just be himself he would be alright. He is a likeable guy. These guys in here will use him up then turn their backs on him. People don't realize that! this isn't high school. The guys in here are the scum of the earth. They make a living cheating and stealing. And believe me, there is no honor among thieves. There are some good people in here that made serious mistakes but 99% of these guys are pieces of shit that you can never trust.

29 August 2005

I'm back. All hell broke loose today. K-dorm is a building with six separate dorms. It has 4 small dorms and an officers desk downstairs. Upstairs is two, 50 man dorms and no police whatsoever. It's mostly gang members. You can't really go into the dorm unless you have backup so you see, all gang bangers. Anyway, sometime this morning two Gangster Disciples or G.D.'s pimped on a Vice Lord. So The Vice Lord who is called "K-9" went to lunch and told all his guys what happened. When it was all said and done, there was a riot. Guys from O-dorm, H-cell house and I-complex all run up in K-dorm and there was a huge fight. 28 guys went straight to lock-up and 18 more are here in G-cell house on red tag. The prison administration is scared of a larger riot breaking out. I think they are about to lock the whole prison down. I hope not but you can't blame them. There are almost 2000 inmates in here and only about 150 officers. So you can imagine how serious things can get. I just ! hope we don't get locked down because then we can't have visits or anything.

My neighbor is one of the guys who was involved in the gang fight. So he has been screaming and yelling, talking tough all day! What gets me is they all talk tough but they won't come at you without at least three of them. You don't have to be tough to pimp someone. I've been down almost 12 years. I came in as a 20 year old kid that weighed about 170. They put me in K-5, a 50 man dorm and there were six whit guys. I made number seven. If you think I wasn't fighting my ass off you're wrong! But in all the fights I've been in, I have never lost a one on one fight. It's kind of weird because I didn't fight before I came to prison. I took some kick boxing as a teenager and fought in the ring a couple of times but that isn't anything like street fighting. I'm lucky because I'm ambidextrous. That confuses people. Plus, I'm fast. I'm not real strong but my speed helps me. All right, enough about me. I'm gonna close this up for now. More later.

05 September 2005

Another day in the life of a felon. Holidays in here only mean one thing: no mail! We are supposed to have a holiday meal but you never really know in here. This place has changed a lot since I've been here. We used to get barbecued hamburgers, two hot dogs, watermelon, lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, onion, the works plus a coke and pie for desert. That was when we could wear Levis and whatever shoes we could have sent in.

09 September 2005

Holidays are too depressing so I went to bed. I'm happy now cause football starts this week. Now I can watch college all day Saturday and NFL all day on Sunday. I'm a sports nut, I like football, basketball and tennis--all three.

I'm a little shitty because my commissary got cancelled. I'm out of coffee and everything! Now I have to re-order so I'll be doing bad for two weeks! It's not like I can run down to the store and pick up some soap and coffee! I try to keep enough hygiene to last 4 to 6 weeks that way I don't get caught without anything to wash with. I think I'm gonna get 4 bags of coffee and 30 soups to put in a box under my bed for emergencies. You never know when you're gonna get locked down or transferred. It's always good to keep a month's supplies around. A 4 oz. bag of coffee lasts me 8 days and a soup a day is enough to eat.

14 September 2005

I'm back. I haven't written in awhile because I've had a lot of writing to do for other people and for my mom's church. She thought people would be interested in my story. I do feel blessed to have the family I have and I do believe in God and the Christian lifestyle. Unfortunately, that lifestyle is something I struggle with greatly. I'm a little bummed because I've sent more than 10 letters out and I haven't gotten any real mail in over a week. I get magazines and stuff but I mean personal mail.

I have a female friend who is in prison in Kentucky and I sent her a picture of me. She wrote back and said her friends say I look like a psycho--I mentioned this because I put an ad on the internet with a pen-pal service and it's been up 2.5 months and I haven't received one response! I had a picture on the site as well so I'm wondering if maybe I do look crazy? Maybe it's time for me to cut my hair and shave? I wish I had a woman my age to give me their opinion. All the guards my age are clean shave with really short hair but that's because they have to. The only other people I see my age are movie stars and that's not realistic either. I'm not sure what to do. I haven't cut my hair since 9-11-01, before that I was really into the National Socialist Thing. I changed my views a lot.

Well, I'm gonna wrap this up for now but never fear, I'll be at you again in a couple of days.

21 September 2005

Another day, it seems like the days blend together in here. I mean the main difference is mail. There are mail days and non mail days. Today has started out pretty well. I just got my commissary so now I have coffee and soups. Next week, I have a bunch of food coming. Also, I just got some money so I am ordering a sweat suit and a hot pot. In case you don't know, a hot pot is just a pot you fill up with water and plug in. It heats up water for coffee or soups or whatever. When I went to lock-up they made me send all my big stuff home. I had to send my hot pot, fan, shoes, and art supplies home or donate them to charity. It's just a big money scam. If we send all that stuff out, we can't get it back through the mail so we are forced to re-order it all. Hot pots are $24.16, fans are $16.78, shoes are about $50.00, etc etc...If prison wasn't a money scam, there wouldn't be all these privately owned prisons popping up everywhere. The government gives them a certain amount of m! oney to feed and house us but everything we get is second rate. For example, I was a cook in 96, 97, and 98, also again in 03. We would get 100 lb. bags of onions and all of them would have blemishes or bad spots. The same with potatoes, tomatoes, and everything else. We would get stuff that retail stores couldn't sell. The same goes for out commissary. The shoes all have mistakes. They are rejects and we are forced to pay 2 or 3 times what they really cost.

I'm still on red tag. The investigator has bumped me to the back burner because all this gang stuff happened. Most of those guys have either been sent to D/S "Disciplinary Segregation" or have been released into general population again. SO, if I'm lucky I'll get to go see him this week. Then I can get off red tag. Really, I like being by myself except for not being able to play basketball and not getting any contact visits. If it wasn't for those two things, they could keep me on red tag. Oh well, I'll live regardless of what they do to me.

I'm really surprised I have lived this long in here. When I first got here, I did a lot of messed up stuff. I figured I would be here the rest of my life so I tried to be the meanest, dirtiest person in the place. I was young, dumb and scared.

I guess I'm finally growing up because I'm not into all that stuff anymore. Now I'd rather be left alone. I don't socialize much.

Damn, they just locked H-cell house down. Some black guy grabbed a female guard's ass and when another officer tried to help her, the inmate beat him up pretty bad. Glad I'm not in H anymore! I hate lock downs. You get sack lunches with bologna and hard boiled eggs every day! Plus you can't have visits or get commissary. Man I'm tired! I stayed up all night last night. I'm gonna close this up and go to bed. I'll write more in a few days.

25 September 2005

I'm in a weird mood this morning. I've been thinking of home all night. Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what people are doing at this exact moment. Some people I can guess pretty accurately because I've know them for years but then sometimes I can't guess. That's when I realize I don't know that person anymore.

My little brother was 9 years old when I got arrested. Tommy was like my own son. He was born when I was 11 and I raised him. During the summers I used to babysit him. We got really close. He always obeyed me. I think it's because I didn't yell at hom and say "don't do that!" I would explain to him why he shouldn't grabs pans off the stove or why he shouldn't stick his toys in the light socket. I have always thought it's important to explain things to kids. I can remember times when my mother would say "Sean, tell your brother to pick up his toys." He did what I asked because I asked instead of telling him. My mom is a good mom but she was the single mother of 4 and she worked a lot to take care of us. She didn't have the time to explain things to him.

I can remember days when it would be just the two of us. We'd get up at 10 or so and turn the whole living room into our battle ground for his He-Man figures. I think he had about 50 of them. Yeah, I played with him and his toys until I was 15 or 16 years old. But it gave us the chance to build a strong bond. I took him everywhere with me.

I remember once, I caught him getting cigarette butts out of the ashtray and pretending to smoke. I guess it was normal considering me, my sisters and my mom all smoked. I didn't want him to smoke so I told him if he smoked while he was too young it would turn him black. I guess maybe that sounds racist but it wasn't meant to be. In our world there weren't any black people. In our whole apartment complex there was only one black family and their kids were grown. We saw blacks at the mall or the store but we didn't know any of them. So I told him a lie. I remember once, we were at the doctor's office and there were two black kids playing and the next thing I know Tommy is asking them if they smoked! I about died!

I used to know him so well. I could look at him and I would know if there was something on his mind. Now he is 21 and I realize I don't know him anymore. I hear things about him that aggravate me but then I realize he doesn't know better because I wasn't there to show him.

One of the things that really gets me is his open way with women. He is proud of the face that he sleeps with all these girls. I'm the type of person who always had a steady girlfriend. I didn't have one night stands. Now there is so much disease that I worry about him. I also worry that he doesn't respect women. To me, there's nothing better than earning a woman's love and trust. Guess, I'm just too grown up. I try to remember what it's like to be his age but then, I was in prison at 21. So maybe I would have been a "player" like him, I doubt it though. I was married at 20. I left her after catching her sleeping around for the second time.

It really aggravates me that he is still playing. At 20, I had a car, a wife, a bank account and a career job. But here again, I wasn't there to teach him to grow up. I guess I've reminisced enough for now. Time to change the subject.

I got a letter from my mom Friday. She told me that Wesley, my son, got into a fight at school and got suspended! He isn't even 12 years old yet, what the hell would be serious enough to fight over? My first question is why? I wrote him and told him I can't have contact visits right now because I'm under investigation. When it's over, I won't be in any trouble but for now I'm red-tagged. I tried to explain what happened. Three Mexican guys tried to take my commissary. They caught me in the back alley. Of course I fought them and I ended up with 3 broken ribs but they didn't get my stuff. A guard came around the corner and caught us. The only reason I told him about the fight was because I wanted to explain why I couldn't get a contact visit with him. Now I'm afraid he thinks its okay to be out there fighting. The truth is that it's only OK if there is absolutely no other option!

I'm back. Today is Sunday which means football all day on T.V. I took a little nap so I'd be ready to watch the games.

I was kind of hoping to get a visit today. My little brother and his girl are supposed to come up sometime soon. Also, my grandmother wants to visit as well. I figured my mom wouldn't come up. At least not until I can have contact visits again. She gets upset seeing me in chains.

I've been thinking about Trena all day. Wanna hear something crazy? I'm not even mad at her. I'm hurt but not mad. All I know is I want her back in my life. When I think about it, I know I should be angry and I should be moving on but I can't. That's pretty sad isn't it? I made a mistake by letting her inside my walls. I guess I'm gonna go for now. More later.

26 September 2005

It's another day in the life of an average guy trying to act like a con! I swear, this should be a game show! Speaking of shows, there's a new series on Monday nights called "Prison Break" it's a decent show but what gets me is how closely it resembles real prison. The cells are the same, the people's attitudes, the chow hall, the commissary, the guards, it's all right on the money.

Oh yeah, you'll have to excuse my writing paper. I had this made as a joke for when I used to write Trena. But I'm out of regular paper so I'm using this. It sucks, not being able to run down to the store and pick something up when you need it. We order what we need on Friday night and we get our order eleven days later. The prices are outrageous too. We don't get to bargain shop! Ahh shopping! I can remember getting up early on Saturdays, going shopping with my mom, I'd usually smoke a joint first then I'd be in the store eating all the free samples! That was back when life was easy. Life is tougher when you have to think about every word you say before you say it. I remember once I was living in a 48 man dorm. There were 7 white guys and 41 blacks. I was reading the USA Today and there was an article about one of the Southern states and how they had just shot down the idea of having a month to celebrate Europeans. One of my friends walked by and I said hey check this s! hit out, there is "Cinco de Mayo" and African American Months but they won't allow a European American celebration! Then I continued reading the paper. My friend came back and I said something about how being white and proud is racist but being black and proud is honorable and how the network would never allow a station called WET (White Entertainment Television) but there is a BET and how everyone knows what the NAACP stands for but most people don't even know there is a NAAWP. I never thought I was saying anything wrong and I never thought about who was listening until that night in the shower. Two big black guys approached me and I got my first lesson on watching what I said. This was in 95 or 96, it's no wonder I got into all the racials shit I did. My first few years were really rough. It didn't take me long to realize that whites are just as ignorant and just as cruel. I mean like Bruce said in his letter we are the dregs of society. The really dangerous part of that ! statement is when people get the idea we are stupid, untalented and un educated. It allows society to be deceived. The truth is that most prisoners are smart and talented, but it doesn't change the fact that they are evil. At least the majority are.

Some of the inmates come in twisted and deranged while others come in young and are taught to be evil. They are the worst because they have training. I believe there are two things that have kept me sane. MY family, I have an awesome family! And God. I know I haven't talked much about religion but I am a Christian and I do believe God has been in my life a lot!

I received a letter from a college student who helps out with this prison project. After reading his letter, I decided I needed to clarify a few things.

First of all, I am not innocent. I don't want my readers to think I'm claiming innocence. I did not kill anyone but I was in that situation because I had bad intentions. We went in the house supposedly to use the phone because our car broke down. The truth was that we went in to scope it out and see if it was worth coming back to. Somehow, for some reason the man got spooked and pulled a gun. My brother who is a martial artist, took the gun away from the man and beat him to death. I stood there and did nothing. I was shocked and scared and I knew I couldn't stop it. At that point I realized I had two choices, go with the flow or make a wrong move and feel my brother's rage. If I could go back, I would have stood up and challenged him even knowing I couldn't win. I would much rather be dead and remembered as a good man who died trying to do right than a coward who did wrong out of fear!

16 October 2005

It is 6:15am. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I want to say to my oldest sister Tami. I called my middle sister Leslie last night and she told me Tami was pregnant. She also said Tami was considering abortion. That pisses me off so bad. I don't believe in abortion unless it's for health reasons or rape. But I can understand a girl's thinking if she is in school or doesn't have a way to provide. I don't agree with it but I can sympathize you know. But I can't sympathize with Tami at all. She is divorced but she is 36, the mother of an 18 year old and an RN. She makes over $30.00 an hour! She has the means to provide and she chose to play. I just don't agree at all. But she's my sister and I realize I'm a little stubborn and even harsh at times with my opinions and beliefs so I don't know how to talk to her. I have to admit she isn't a great parent. Don't get me wrong, she loves her daughter and she sacrificed a lot to raise her. I remember when she waited table! s at Denny's while she went to college, all while she raised a baby. But Tami is very self confident, very independent and materialistic. She doesn't really have the nurturing way about her. But maybe a child would help her. She says her life is incomplete. She has this ability to pick the scum of the Earth men and fall madly in love! Her first husband is an alcoholic and a wife beater. Her second husband is Bi-Polar and has a drug problem as well as anger issues. He beat her too. Her latest boyfriend who is an ex-con beat her up and tried to rape her. She likes screwed up guys. It's crazy because she is beautiful, smart and independent. She was a fashion model for Cosmo Casablancas before she got pregnant. I just can't figure her out.

Well, other things in my life are going well. I finally got off red tag last week. I went to recreation and played ball Thursday and Friday. I thought I was going to pass out! It's amazing how bad 8 weeks in a cell messes with your wind.

I talked to my mom and she is bringing my son up next weekend. I can't wait. I've got two picture tickets coming Friday so I'll get a new picture of us. My mom just found a new house and moved yesterday. She was living in an apartment and she breeds Chinese Crested dogs, so she needed a house bad. The dogs only weigh 5 to 6 pounds a piece but still, then you've got four bitches and a stud, then they start having pups, it gets a little crazy. Anyway, the house is big and it's only about two miles from my son's house! So, all in all, this is turning out to be a pretty good month.

I just found out the new governor Mitch Daniels is starting all these new programs in prison in an attempt to find some special cases and give them a second chance. I just wrote him a letter and told him I was very interested in learning more about his program. So maybe something will change for me. I'll never give up hope. I can't! Without it, I have nothing. I really have changed a lot. I guess we will see what happens.

Well, it's time for recreation so I gotta put the pen down and stretch real quick. At my age (32), it's important to prepare your body especially when you're about to go school the youngsters on the ball court.

17 October 2005

Sitting here watching the Colts beat up on St. Louis. I'm a huge Colts fan! I have three bets on this game and I'm winning two of them so far. My third bet is the Colts-15 and it's 20 to 31 so I'm still a few points off but I'm not worried. The Colts are going to win the Super Bowl this year!

Well I went out and played some ball today. I sucked bad! I was in the shower afterwards and this little guy that I've known for years said "damn you played soft today!" I couldn't even get mad at him cause I did. That's alright, tomorrow I'm gonna go out there and get my respect back! Believe that! I just had a bad day.

I gotta get back to the game. I'll write again in a few days. Sure would be nice if I could be at this game with my son Wesley!

24 October 2005

Hey it's another day in the life of a felon. I started this entry last week but my cell was searched and a bunch of my paperwork was "misplaced." It's always something with these idiots! I guess I shouldn't complain, the guards here are the best out of all the places I've been. For the most part they are fairly respectful if you show them proper respect.

I got some really good news last week. I called my sister Tami and she told me she is not going to have an abortion.

I was so glad to hear that! I guess there are some health concerns but she is going to have it anyway. Several years ago she was in a bad motorcycle accident and messed her back up. She was given some pain medication and ended up getting hooked on them. Recently she went through rehab and was put on Methadone. Now the doctors are telling her she has to continue taking it through the pregnancy because the shock of withdrawal could hurt the baby. I can't see the logic in prescribing a highly addictive drug to help you get off of another drug. But I guess that's why I'm not a doctor! Before I go any farther I want to apologize for my typing skills or lack of. I'm attemping to teach myself to type.

There really hasn't been much going on here. The new governor Mitch Daniels has started some new programs in Indiana prisons designed to rehabilitate inmates. In all the years I've been down this is the first time I've seen any attempt at actual rehabilitation. One program is called "Thinking for a Change" and another is Faith based. I have writted and asked for information on both programs. I'm hoping to fill my packet with some positive things so the judge can see I have taken initiative. I am going to file for a modification of sentence in 2010. I really don't believe my life was meant to be spent in prison. My son will be 12 next month. I really hope to be out before he turns 18. I think there are a lot of things about life I could teach him.

Plus I want to show people that I really have changed. A lot of people think I have changed just because I'm in here and they think I'll go back to the same old Sean once I'm out. They are wrong! I'm not perfect but I am a different person.

I get to see my son next weekend! I can hardly wait! He couldn't come up last week because he was sick. I still had a good visit. My mom and little brother Tommy came up. It's hard to believe Tommy is all grown up now. He turned 21 in July. He is a pretty good kid, just a little lazy. I'm trying to talk him into going to college. He doesn't want to because he would be broke for a couple of years and he likes to go out and have fun too much.

Oh yeah, I got moved again! They put me all the way on the top range which sucks because it's so hot up there! But I will live. Prison has taught me to adapt to almost any situation. My law library time is about up so I need to close this up for now. I'll have to finish it by hand.

30 October 2005

Just got back from breakfast. I'm so tired of this life! I swear every day is an adventure I don't want to be on! This morning I woke up hungry so I decided to walk the ¼ mile in the cold to eat oatmeal and toast. On the way I had to go around a fight. Three black guys jumped a black guy. It's 4 am and these young gang bangers are stomping some guy's brains in. I guess the guards saw a commotion and took the guy who got beat up to the infirmary but it was dark so they weren't sure who the aggressors were. So they came into the chow hall and searched everyone for blood and bruised or scratched knuckles. I think they got the guys, they'll go to lock-up for six months then come out and act tough because they beat some guy up. You know you're in hell when guys get reputations for acting like animals.

I remember when I was a teenager and I thought I was cool. To me, cool was the guy who had the baddest babe or the fastest muscle car. I got into a couple of fights but they weren't serious. No one went to the hospital. I got hurt more on the football field. And what really kills me is the way they always jump people.

Two days ago I was playing ball against this black guy and I blocked his shot so all his guys were clowning him. Since I am white, he got offended. So he starts talking trash and playing real physical so I start playing harder. Of course the situation escalates until I block his shot again! He calls a foul and I didn't foul him but I don't say anything I just walk away. The next thing I know, he hits me in the head with the ball. So I spin around and run up on him but he has his back turned so I step to the side and just as I'm about to knock him out, a bunch of black dudes jump between us. I know if I swing, I'm gonna get beat down so I walk away. After recreation, I go holler at one of my partners called "Big Hurt." His name is William Hurt, but he is 6'5" and 260 lbs. and he is a black guy. I tell him the story and tell him I'm gonna call this dude to the back of the cell house, one-on-one. He says cool, so on the way in, I holler at the dude and say "Hey, I wanna ho! ller at you behind the steps." Can you believe the dude bitched up? He apologized in front of everyone! I couldn't believe it!

It's just hard for me to live in here. I don't understand the logic or lack there of. It's basically the philosophy of Might Makes Right. I read a racist pro-white book several years ago with that title and I remember thinking how uncivilized it was but prison has almost the same philosophy.

I'm not racist but I am anti-semetic. Only because I read pieces of the Talmud and I know it teaches all Goyim are to be treated like beasts of burden. When people automatically dislike me because of my race or religious belief, than, I don't care for them. Okay, I'm done whining. Sorry! I just can't get over the people in this place. The only good thing is that the vast majority will never get out.

03 November 2005

Hey today has been an adventure! Can you believe it's 71 degrees outside? Both of my neighbors just cooked some wine so the whole range is drunk. It's a mess. Now to top it all off they are playing Seasons In The Abyss by Slayer on the institution radio so all the white guys are hyped. Yeah I already know all you youngsters ain't hip to that. To sum it up briefly, it's the hardest, fastest most hard core metal of the 80's. I used to eat 3 hits of acid, crank up Seasons In The Abyss, Reign In Blood, or South of Heaven and have a mosh pit in my basement. 100% adrenaline! The music is mostly about World War II but before college, I never knew anthing about the Angel of Death, Auschwitz, or the Rhine. To me it was just words.

Okay, I'm over the old memories.

My son will be 12 in six days! I can't get over that! He is almost a teen! At his age I was just starting to experiment with weed and I was starting to lust after girls. The summer of my 12th year I was on the swim team. I was really good too. I may have had a decent collegiate career if I hadn't gotten side tracked. I was at an age when my dad thought it was cool to party with me, I can remember driving his truck home cause he was too drunk. One time we got pulled over cause I didn't use my turn signal, Dad told the cop straight up "I know he's young but he is a good driver and I'm drunk!" The cop said he would follow us to see if I could drive. After a few blocks he drove off. My dad had an old Hurst. It only had one seat. The passenger seat was a milk crate and he kept a 12 foot John boat tied to the roof!

I have a lot of memories of Tony Samples. I remember once I was looking for him, by the way, my dad was 5'9", and 150 lbs. So I go in the bedroom and see two mountains of flesh. There were two huge women in bed with my skinny ass dad in the middle. He jumped up and said "Acres and acres of ass and it's all mine!" I about dies laughing!

He always wore a hat and he kept his hair long. He loved jeans and flannel shirts. Oh and Marlboros in a box.

Damn, I don't know how I keep getting off into discussions about my dad. I guess I think about him more than I thought. But he was never a father. He was a good party buddy but never more than that. At age 14 I went to rehab and gave up drugs and alcohol. That's when our relationship disappeared. I guess I wasn't much fun anymore. I stayed straight for about three years. I'd smoke a joint once in a while but no serious drugs or alcohol. During these years I was with the first girl I ever loved, Christine Stubble "Kris." She died in '98. A drunk driver killed her but until that day I always thought we had a shot at working things out. We were both madly in love but I was 18 with a career and my own place, she was a country girl who had been with me three and a half years. She had never experimented with drugs or boys or anything before me. I was ready to get married and she wanted to experience growing up a little. I pushed her until she figured it was marriage or leaving. I was still too immature to see how I pushed her away. When we first broke up it was ugly! I harassed her boyfriends, even pulled a gun on one and we were at war until I finally met my wife and moved on. Actually I never moved on. I remember my wife throwing that up to me once.

I can honestly say there are two women I gave my whole heart to. First was Kris. Five years after her death was Trena. I have to say I took the split between me and Trena a lot better. I was hurt of course but I was more angry because she befriended Wesley then just disappeared on him. She wouldn't answer his calls or anything. She chose to put herself in his life. She earned his trust and violated. That upsets me.

Man! I remember when I had my Camero, I'd get stoned and cruise around with my T-tops out, yeah you're probably gonna get a laugh out of this but I used to bang some JJ Fad Supersonic or DJ Magic Mike. Then I'd back it up with some Pantera or Slayer, yeah I know, I'm a little confused, I just like music. Country, rock, pop, or whatever. I heard Wesley likes Eminem. I think he is a little young for Eminem but I like it so how can I censor him?

Okay I rattles on enough for now. Damn near five pages and I haven't sadi shit! Sorry. Maybe my next entry will be more exciting.

04 November 2005

Just back from recreation. I hit the exercise bike for 20 minutes, then the squat rack for four sets of light weight then four sets of calf raises, then I went to the ball court. I think I finally figured out why them guys argues so much. I think they get tired so they argue to stop the game for a few minutes. I don't ever get tired. I mean recreation is only an hour and a half long. I can't believe these youngsters get tired so quick.

I also can't believe I walked off and left my shampoo, conditioner, soap, soap dish, and wash cloth in the shower! I'll get more stuff but I'll have to go in debt and I hate that! I've done it before but I was stoned or something. I haven't gotten high in a long time but to be honest, it was crowded and I was trying to concentrate on getting out of there without getting in a fight. A lot of youngsters want to try me cause I'm the only white guy in there plus I've got all these tattoos. It doesn't help that I don't really associate with anyone. People think I'm alone. Really I am. It's a daily struggle to survive. Sometimes I think it was easier when I was in the game hustling tobacco and weed. At least then everyone knew me. But everyone includes the investigators, captains, and wardens. I'm trying to be home before my son's 18th birthday. I gotta keep the goal at the front of my mind all the time.

I came in from recreation and my house was trashed! I got up for recreation 45 minutes early to clean my cell and stretch out then I come home to a trashed cell. I didn't have anything for them to take.

Damn, I'm back. I can't believe it, they just brought this white kid in from H cell house. Some black guys raped him last night. That shit kills me. What makes it so bad is that there are plenty of homosexuals in here to go around. It's not about the sex, it's about the intimidation and power. Then if the kid gets ahold of some steel and stabs one of them whores, he automatically gets another 30 years in prison. I hate to whine all the time but you just don't know how tired I am of this life, I forced myself into. To make things worse I'm smart enough to know we need prisons and by all rights, I deserved to come. I'll never believe that I deserve 70 years but everyone already knows that story.

I was arrested Dec 31st, 1993 and since it was a murder case, I was put on a unit for violent offenders. Fourteen days later the guards call me out, they know me because it's a small town. Anyway they tell me they have a 16 year old kid in the drunk tank and they are worried about putting him on the unit. So they ask if they can double bunk my cell and put him in there. I said yes and we became friends. His name is Marvin Ferguson aka "Boogie." We went to ROC together then I came to Pendleton Jan 19th. But he was 17, blonde hair, green eyes and 150 lbs. Needless to say he and I had to fight the predators off. He was hired to kill a homosexual woman He killed her and got 40 years for murder and 30 years for conspiracy. He just got out yesterday! He got a lawyer and got 40 years back. Then he had 30 to 15, but he got 3 years house arrest. So he did a contract murder and got 12 years! I witnessed a murder and my our date is 2029. That's if I'm good! I just can't see the justice.

Ok I'm done whining for today. It's almost lunch time so I'm gonna close this up. I'll write in a few days.

11 November 2005

It's been a weird week for me. I got a visit from my son and his mother last Saturday and my whole weeks has been off. Andrea dropped some bombs on me. She was flirting and I didn't know what to say or do. I froze up. Our relationship is strange because we never really dated or anything. In high school I asked her out and she said no because I was a "player." Which was crap. Most of high school, I was with the same girl. When we weren't together I flirted a lot and dated a few girls but I didn't sleep with them. Anyway, after high school, Andrea and I hooked up for 3 or 4 weeks then I didn't see her again for a year.

So I've never really thought of hooking up with her. But ever since our visit, I've been kicking it around in my head and I like the idea. She is a good person, she is my son's mother, she is still sexy and to be perfectly honest and blunt, we were extremely good together! But there are some things I don't agree with. First of all I'm scared of sexual women. I love them but they love sex. My ex-wife was sexual and so was my last girl. My ex-wife took me to my first peep show! I thought we were doing good but I guess half the men in our neighbor thought they were too! Then of course Trena cut out. I'm sure one of two things happened, either she got strung out on heroine or she ran into someone she was attracted to and was unfaithful. She gave me two and a half good years and that's a long time for a sexual person not to be intimate.

The second concern is that I can't be the man she needs me to be. She isn't a gold digger, but she is a single mother of four so she needs help. I don't think it would be fair to ask he to sacrifice these things.

The other problem, I can't discuss but she is involved in something I don't agree with or like. There are certain things you just can't write down.

My logic is pointing all this stuff out but my heart is still making excuses for me to initiate some sort of relationship. You know, another thing that concerns me is the fact that I honestly believed Trena was the person God put in my life to be my wife. Now just nine months later here I am I am thinking of someone else, I'm really confused now. Maybe I don't know anything about love at all.

Another big event this week is a letter I got from the brother of an old friend Alyssa. Alyss was brutally raped and murdered about 18 months ago. One of the suspects is in custody and is playing the insane role but he will be coming here in a few months.

I'll be honest, I want to hurt him then kill him. These are my first and strongest thoughts. Logic tells me that I'd be giving up my life because I would spend the rest of it in prison. The truth is that unless I find the $10,000 I need for an attorney, I'll die here anyway but I do have a chance to get out. At least for now. But I'm not sure what I'll do when I see this guy. I'm not sure I could just let him get away with it. He would be bragging about how he "beat, raped, and killed this white bitch..." I can hear it now. He would be building a reputation off it.

I'm not a monster, I'm not a thug but I met Alyssa when I was 14 and she was 9! She was living in a messed up home. Both her parents were swingers and druggies. She didn't even go to school. We got close and she was like my little sister. I got her back in school, got her away from the teenage boys who were using her and became good friends. I remember once she wanted to learn to drive. I had a nice '68 Galaxy and wasn't crazy about the idea but she begged so I started showing he. We'd go to vacant lots or to suburbs where it wasn't busy. She would get so excited. She had these huge brown eyes and her whole face lit up when she was happy.

Just thinking about her brought back another memory. She would always say "acts" instead of "ask." I tried to break her of it because it irritated the crap out of me. So one time were arguing and I said "acts is something a movie store does or it's like this" and I started acting retarded. She busted up laughing so from then on when she would say it, I would start acting retarded. We could be at the mall, in the car, or at the table eating and if she said it, I acted it.

I don't know if she ever changed it. I do know I'll always remember a little girl trying to be a woman. He life ended at 26 and the pictures in my head now are a body, naked and broken with those big brown eyes staring into nothing. I think her last thoughts were fear, loneliness, and violation. I've been there and seen some ugly shit but none of it compares to that crime.

I'm sorry I didn't really mean to get off into all this but I'm really mixed up right now and when I try to weigh my thoughts actions versus consequences, most of the time I feel it would be worth it. This piece of shit will come to prison, get into a gang and run around jumping on people. Mostly young white dudes.

13 November 2005

Well I've calmed down a little but I still hope I don't see the bitch. Unfortunately, they are reopening a newly remodeled cell house, in Dec or Jan. That means we will have about 250 beds open. So ole boy will more than likely end up here. I guess we will see. I hope people don't think I'm a monster for wanting to hurt this guy. But I know I can't live in the same place as them. I'm gone for now.

21 November, 2005

Damn do I have a story for you. A few years ago I met a black guy called Yama. He always seemed alright to me. We weren't close but we know each other. More recently, I was neighbors with a white kid named Kizer. I didn't really know him but we were neighbors for a while. Yama just got busted for raping Kizer! He is getting ready to have criminal charges brought against him. So he comes up with this idea; since I was neighbors with Kizer, I could give a statement saying I knew he was gay and he told me he was prostituting. We never had this conversation in reality but Yama thinks a statement like this will help him so he asks me to give him one. I refused. First of all, it's a lie and secondly he basically told me he was guilty. So I don't have anything for him period. I don't agree with that shit at all. So I said no.

Of course Yama is a Gangster Disciple so he sends a couple of his guys to holler at me. I still refused. So Friday I'm coming back from lunch and two Disciples corner me. They start making threats and things are about to jump off when the Unit Team Manager comes out of a building and hears this shit. So he escorts me back to the cell house and asks if I want protective custody. I said no of course but he puts me on red-tag anyway pending investigation. That means I'm locked in my own cell.

So I've sat here and thought about this shit all weekend and I'm weighing this situation. If I refuse P.C. they will let me off red tag and I'll get into a fight. I'll get jumped and beat up plus I'll go to lock-up for six months to a year. I'll lose my visits and once it's over and I come back, I'll still have this same problem.

On the other hand, if I go to P.C., I won't get into trouble, won't lose my visits and won't get jumped. But every one will think I'm a bitch. I'm not a punk. I'll fight every one of them dudes heads up and I'd whip 80% of them. They know my hands are gasoline, that's why they always come two or three deep.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is in 3 days! Then Christmas is in a month. For us inmates, all the holidays mean is no mail! I love my mail. I enjoy writing family and wouldn't trade it for anything but sometimes it's nice to get to know new people. I put an ad on the internet about 6 months ago and haven't received one response! I can't figure that one out. Maybe I'm not as likeable as I thought! Okay I'm gone for now! More in a few days.

9 December 2005

Sorry I've neglected my writing. I don't have an excuse except that this is a rough time of year for me. This year is even harder than usual for some reason. I'm not really sure why. I guess one reason is that I'm not on any drugs. Usually I stay trashed so I don't have to think about the holidays. Last year I wasn't high either but I took sleeping pills and slept most of the season away. To be honest I wouldn't mind smoking a fat ass joint but I'm afraid I'll hit on a piss test. Well, I just took one last Wednesday and they can only hit you once every 30 days so I could get high and be clean again in a couple weeks but I already know if I start, I won't stop till who knows when. I'm an addict, a problem I haven't figured out hot to get around.

I went to see a shrink the other day. I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I have really bad nightmares. Not typical ones where I'm being chased by the boogie man. I wish I had those. These are a different kind let's just say, I wake up sometimes sweating and shaking, sometimes puking, and sometimes just freaking out mad or guilty or scared. Needless to say, I go 2 or 3 days without sleeping sometimes. So I used to take 50mg of Triaville and 50mg of Benadryl a night to stay asleep. But the prison has decided to take everyone off their medication and re-evaluate their need for it. So I've been without it for a couple of months. Usually I can deal with it ok, but sometimes when you haven't slept in 72 hours and you've gotta deal with all these dick heads in here , it's hard not to snap. So I saw a shrink and tried to talk him into giving me my medication back.

We talked about my dreams and my need for medication, also my anxiety caused by slight obsessive compulsive disorder. But the guy, my shrink, was really down to earth and pretty cool. He says my O.C.D. probably isn't true O.C.D. because I wasn't like this on the streets. He says it's probably just my mind compensating for the lack of control in my life. Everything is controlled by the prison like when I eat, when I use the phone, or when I go to recreation. So I'm a little obsessive over the things I can control like the way my books are lined up on my shelf or the way I can't sleep until after I sweep my floor. Yeah, I have some quirks! That's why I get so aggravated when I get shook down and the police tear up my cell. I keep all my clothes neatly folded, all my books in order from largest to smallest, all my photographs in certain places etc. etc. and then you came back in your cell and everything you own is piled up on your bed in disarray.

We also talked about how I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I mean the guys in here are hustlers and con-artists. I've learned a little over the years but it's not something I'm fluent with. My mind doesn't stay in that frame at all times. So I'm a bit of an odd man out in this environment. Then I get a visit from my family and I feel different from them too. I've even lost my accent. We are from southern Indiana and Kentucky, the Ohio Valley area and yeah we talk country! But it's more than just the accent. I mean they all live together and see each other everyday so they know each other. I'm more of an acquaintance now. An outsider, I cam from a very closely knit family so that's hard for me to swallow. But the shrink made me feel better about part of it. He says it's good that I feel uncomfortable and out of my element in this place. Otherwise, I'd belong here! I never really looked at it like that.

I got a letter from my female friend in prison. She's in Pervee Valley in Kentucky. Her boyfriend was on trial for several crimes so she broke into the courthouse and stole all the evidence against him. Then he turned her in! So she is serving a five year sentence. I just can't picture here, a five foot, 100 pound girl breaking into a courthouse. She's cute as hell too. I used to live with her mother when she was 11 or 12. I was 17 or 18 and Lou Anne (her mom) was about 35 or so. Yeah, I had a thing for older women. But I wasn't hooked up with Lou Anne. I never slept with her. I just stayed there because I felt like I was an adult and my mom felt like I wasn't so we kept butting heads. In a lot of ways, I was an adult. I worked and could live on my own but I wasn't quite an adult mentally.

Anyway, Dee Dee has stayed in contact the whole time I've been in prison. She claims she is in love with me. I'm not sure she even knows what love is. She came from a dysfunctional family, her mother died of a heroine overdose a few years ago and her father died of alcoholism, liver problems. All her boyfriends and her daughter's father are jerks! She has a very low self esteem and had a drug problem. So there's all these things that tell me to keep my distance but then I think about her and I know she could be such an awesome person. She is kind and smart and has a huge heart. She loves her little girl to death and except for her choice in men , has always been a good mother. It doesn't hurt that she is extremely sexy too. It's hard for me to believe she has such a low self-esteem when I'm thinking 'look in a mirror, you're beautiful!'

She gets out of prison next year and doesn't have anywhere to go. I'm thinking about asking mom to give her my room. She could get a job and pay a little rent or go to college and just help out around the house. I know my mom would help her. That's just the way my mom is. But I have some concerns. I don't want her trying to take advantage of my family. I'm just not sure what to do. my mom could use a little help, she is getting old and her back is messed up. She broke 3 vertebrate a couple years ago and it's never been the same. She works part time as an R.N. and she breeds AKA show dogs, Chinese Crested and Cockers. But the dogs are a lot of work even though they are only 6 or 7 pounds apiece. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.

Okay, I've rambled on enough for now. More later.