The journal of Brent TownsendTable of Contents:
November 10thI'm always amazed how the little things really make or break me in here. I'm in an excellent mood. I had a good run yesterday. I got to go to the library (It's been cancelled the past few weeks). I got pics of my son and a letter from my Aunt. Even though the news wasn't all that great (my dad's getting back surgery), I was really glad to just hear from someone. Then today we went and picked pecans all day. Real good day at work. Then I got a book from Cresp for the Book Group. If all the days were like the last two, I'd be a very happy inmate :-p Novermber 12thHere comes the cold. The holidays are coming and I'm doing everything I can to maintain a good attitude and keep from getting the holiday blues. My girl got out last Friday. I'm really hoping to hear from her next week, but don't want to set myself up for failure. If I get my hopes up and she doesn't write, I'll be all bent out of shape so I'll do what I always do: treat it like parole and hope for the best and expect the worst. I also tried to sign up for the changes class since I am within two years of my short wave discharge (my flat, good, and work time equals 100% of my sentence). Trying to keep busy... November 14thI'm already sick of pecans. We've been picking and shelling them for three days. My thumbs are outta there. I'm thinking maybe I'm not pushing the issue on continuing my education. I really can't do anything here since I have a GED. That's about all they have here. I think I'd feel better if I knew I was doing something that will benefit my future. Right now I feel I'm just wasting time that I could be investing in myself. I don't know what will happen between now and my next parole date, but I want to be doing something instead of just bidding my time... November 16thWell I've written the education counselor and am awaiting a response. I might need to go to a higher authority. I'm not sure who. Thanksgiving is next week and I don't really feel anything about it or Christmas. I have an emotional void concerning the holidays. I think I should feel sentimental maybe?? Maybe this is a symptom of becoming institutionalized? Still haven't heard from Shannon yet. I wrote her this morning. Hope to hear from her soon. Is it wrong that I'm more concerned about hearing from her than my family? November 18thLast night we discussed the many possible situations we could find ourselves in when we get out. I like this because I more times than not realize things when I hear myself advising others. Why this is, I do not know. It boiled down to there are going to have to be some MAJOR life changes to keep from doing this again (prison). It will take more than just a change of venue. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I am working on it and I believe that's a sign of progress... November 20thWhy I've been putting the tenth down I have no idea. Like I need an extra month in this year. Well I gotta free day today. Went down to medical and spent a few hours. Always a joy. I started back working out. I've got to get rid of some of this weight I've gained. I know with the holidays here it's a bad time to try to lose, but hey, everything has to have a beginning somewhere. Well I wrote my Dad again hoping to hear from him. Probably won't, haven't in the last 5 yrs so I doubt it will change now. It's all good though. At least my aunt is keeping me up to date on him. Other than that all is well. The days are going by without conflict and I'm staying out of trouble. Start of a new week and I'm sure it will be a good one... November 22ndWell I've gotten back to on the work out schedule. I feel better, like a sense of accomplishment. Haven't been to work in a couple to days. So me and my cellie have found ourselves in the house together a little more often that we care for, but we both understand the situation we're in, so we try to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe it will end up making me (us) better people in the end... November 23rdHappy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone else's was better than mine. I've actually gotten to where I accept it cause I have a fear of becoming institutionalized (big word :-p). But every year seems to get worse and worse. This year the meal left a lot to be desired. We didn't get half the stuff we did last year. Then they cancelled rec. So we didn't get any yard time. It's hard to be thankful when your privileges are being taken away. Especially if you've done nothing to get said privileges taken. This is the punishment phase or so I keep telling myself. I keep thinking it can't get any worse, yet they seem to keep making a liar out of me. Maybe I expect too much is the reason I'm let down, but I try to maintain a certain level on how I expect to live no matter the situation. Is that too much to ask?... November 24thWell the hits just keep on coming. I went to rec got my workout on, so that was a plus. Then today we had a dominoes tournament and me and my partner won it all. Even it was only $6. That was the good, now for the bad. I'm still in prison. No not really. I mean that's bad, but it's been the norm for 5 yrs now. The bad is I got a letter that told me they denied Shannon's mandatory supervision, which means they took her short wave release date (flat time + work time + good time = 100% of your sentence). So she will stay where she's at till October '07. So that puts an end to me wondering why I haven't heard from her. See in Texas, there is no inmate-to-inmate correspondence. So to keep in touch I have a friend that we both write to and she helps to relay messages. So it's gonna be the same ole song for another year. Unless they do something for me where I see parole next year in May. Always try to stay optimistic anything can happen... November 26thI believe I've mentioned this before but I really dislike weekends. They seem to last forever in here. I'm actually ready to go back to work. Too many days with nothing to do make for hard time. Not to mention I'm ready to get out of this building for a while. I'm sending all my Christmas cards to my kids and my Dad and my Sunt today. Go ahead and get all that over with. I'm really not a holiday person but then I've also not has the chance to do them with my son and daughter yet. I think that will make a big difference in how I look at a lot of things. Till then I will try to maintain my optimistic outlook on things and hope for the best. November 28thSomehow I have ended up back in cognitive intervention again. It's not what I was expecting. I was trying to get into the Changes class, that way I would have completed all the classes here that they offer that I'm eligible for. I'm really pretty frustrated with the educational department here. I've been trying to get into college or a trade for almost a year and have been waiting for results. It's been a year for college and about 8 months for the trade. I feel like I'm being put off. I'd like to get those things going so I can finish them. Before my release, I'd like to leave here with more than the knowledge of selling drugs and cutting grass with a hoe. So far in my 4+ years that's all I've learned. I'm only asking for the opportunity to learn. I feel like this is not really about rehabilitating myself or anyone for that matter. It's more like I'm just being detained until they have to let me go. Not a lot of thought or effort is going into my re-entry into society... November 30thWell I guess I made enough noise to make something happen. Although it wasn't what I wanted, I somehow got back in Cognitive Intervention. I've already finished this class. I was wanting to get into Changes. I went to see the counselor and got everything straight. I'm still waiting for college and auto paint and body. I'm on the list for Changes also. I even found out I'm high priority for a drug program. When and if I get a F-I which is parole. Not sure how I feel about that cause that will mean more stipulations on me when I do get out. I won't have anymore on me than I have now I just want the odds as favorable as I can get them... December 2ndAnother week done. Now it's all about knocking out this month and starting a new year. This will put me closer to go see parole again. 4th time for those of you that are counting (Me). I skipped out on Rec today. I had to get some letters caught up also I've been slacking on my Journal writing. Also, I've got a course from the College Guild I need to get started on. I left my library book in the showers yesterday and it screwed my whole day up. I couldn't get back down there to get it so I hope it gets turned in so my library privileges don't get screwed up. We don't get to go often. If that went to not at all I'd be screwed. SO I stayed mad about that almost all day yesterday. I reflect on it now that it was a waste of time cause by the time I got mad, what was done was already done... December 4thToday was a good day for a Monday. They cancelled rec for reason unknown, but I got mail, which as we know from past entries makes me happy. I'm starting to get a better relationship with my son's mom. Something I haven't had since we split up. A lot of the reason was I didn't want o accept my part of the blame for things not working out. Now I've come to realize a lost of it was my fault. So by being honest with myself, I've made the relationship better. I'm really kinda disappointed. It took me so long to come around... December 6thI'm really getting tired of '06. I'm trying to get a job and it hasn't been going too good. The punishment phase is getting to be more than I bargained for. I'm really wanting to move around. I've only been on this line for like six months, but there's really not anyone here I really click with and it makes my time easier when I got a partner I can pass it with. It's starting to get cold. That's good. I like the cold. A lot of these guys will stay in ther houses/cells under the blanket. I think I'm becoming a little withdrawn, maybe even a little antisocial. Doing time is like having a job. If you're not happy with it, it drags and is the worst place in the world to be. If I can make a move, I think I can click off another year pretty quick. I try to be realistic about it. I know I'm not gonna leave so I'm trying to make the best of it. Expect the worst and hope for the best. I'd really like to be in a good position when I see parole in five months. So I gotta try to make it happen now. December 8thWell this puts an end to yet another week. I really try not to count days cause it seems to make the time even longer that it is. I am glad when every week ends though. I got a letter from Brenda today. It always brings mixed emotions. I'm always glad to hear from her. But she never answers any of my questions. I'm always glad to hear from her. But she never answers any of my questions and is always so vague about what is going on with her. December 10thThe weather is starting to get bad. That means that rec will be getting cancelled more often making it harder for me to stay on my workout program. I hate it cause that means I'll put on more weight and it's getting harder to take it off each spring. I'm gonna try to be more tenacious about doing push ups and jumping jacks and crunches in my cell. Other than that I've been in pretty good spirits and everything is going pretty good. Everybody just wrote me and that makes me really happy. It will probably be a minute before they write again. That sucks. I wish they were more consistent but I'm glad for what I got... December 12thWell it's back to the same old grind. I got my Maxim magazine denied yesterday. It has offensive and defensive fighting techniques? This is the third one in the past 7 months. It's getting ridiculous. My first amendment right has really been taking a beating. This is my last week of cognition Intervention. I'm glad for that. I'm ready to start going back outside again. I sent my Dad a wallet I got made in the Craftshop for his birthday/ Christmas present. I don't know when he'll get it cause he's going for back surgery tomorrow, then he'll be staying with a friend recuperating. I'm hoping everything goes alright. I'll have to wait and hear from my Aunt to find out. My dad hasn't wrote me since I've been here. I'm not upset about it cause I know the kind of man he is so I accept it because I know he loves me so I'm OK with that... December 14thI'm ready for the library to be shut down (12/15/06-1/9/07). I got my metal Edge and a package from CRESP. So I'm set for the holidays. Also tomorrow will be my last day of CI. Yea!! So I go back to work and I can go to Noon rec when we don't work. So everything is going pretty good right now. My attitude has been good and everything is going pretty good right now. My attitude has been good and everything is going smooth so all is well. Sure would like to coast on out of '06... December 16thRecreation has been cancelled. No more rec on the weekend. I don't like it but I got no choice but accept it. So until TDCJ can beef up their staff I get shorted on rec. Sometimes chicken sometimes feathers. Although if I get any more feathers I will be ready to start flying!!! I got another school lay in hope it's for the Changes course. If so, I'll have enough time to finish it before I see parole for the fourth time and I'll be looking good. i really wish I was getting in college or my trade though I really need something to take with me out there when and if they cut me loose... January 18, 2007I really am starting to think part of my punishment is to have to put up with the other inmates. I might not be everyone's ideal person to be around constantly but I am always the same. I'm surrounded by some funny acting folks. The bad thing is I can't avoid them because of the close proximity that we're all locked up in. Maybe I'm just becoming frustrated, I've been dealing with it for five years and there's no telling how much longer I'll have to deal with it. I tried to order some magazines with stamps for my step daughter and it got denied. That kind of got to me a little more than it should have. Although I did get to go to the library which is always a plus. Still got my daughter's mom getting married on my mind. Would like to get her to come her to visit and get my feelings resolved with that. I may just write it all down. Try to get it out of my system. The last thing I need is more baggage. I've got enough for two bellhops now. January 20, 2007Some new people showed up on the wing today. I found out the inmate number is up to 1,400,000 as opposed to the 1,100,000 when I got in the system. That means they've taken in 300,000 people since I was brought in. Unbelievable!! Also I go mail from my son's mom. She was pretty harsh about my Dad, saying he didn't care about my son...etc. So I've got to write her back and try not to lash out as I usually would. I have to find a tactful way to tell her that my Dad really just doesn't want the drama that she will induce. I have to do this without appearing to take sides. These are problems I could really do without in here. I come from a broken home and I have created a broken home for my children. This is not what I wanted. I wanted to have my children grow up with and Mom and Dad but I wasn't really up for the part. Now I'm trying to go back and fix it the best I can considering. Not only am I a work in progress but my family is also. The only thing is now I'm willing to put in the work. I'm going by the idea that it's never too late to let someone know you love them. I don't think I'll ever be with my kids' moms again but it will be good to be friends. January 22, 2007I got my first visit of the year yesterday. A friend came down, it was quite a surprise. When I was walking down to the visitation room from my cell block I was actually kind of nervous. After being in here so long I am always scared of my social abilities. I pretty much can carry myself in any situation but after being kept from interaction with free people you wonder if you'll be able to be normal, natural. My worries were unnecessary because we had a great visit. After it was a little depressing because when they leave and you come back to your block or cell or whatever reality sets in. It's back to the life of a prisoner but for that two hours everything is really good. It's definitely worth it, I can't wait to resume my life and start living again... January 24, 2007Everything has been going pretty good. I've been getting really good workouts all week which have been giving me a feeling of accomplishment. I also got a letter from a friend that was here that got out. That made me feel really good because usually people tell you they're going to keep in touch and never do. So it really meant something when this guy took the time to be real. You wouldn't think it was that big of a deal (being a good person) but it's so rare now that when it happens I'm more appreciative of it. Still waiting on Christmas pictures of my kids. I really hate that I am helpless to get things unless someone else gets it for me. I do not like living like this but when I'm out there I do things that lead to the end result which is this. Only then after the fact do I think maybe I have a problem. So needless to say the game plan for the future will require more forethought. Along with some self control... January 26, 2007The end of another week is upon us. That means a long weekend. Still not getting any rec on the weekends. I ran today for the first time in a long time. Made three miles and could barely breathe. I really need to get back into it. It seems time is going so slow for some reason. It's been January forever so it seems. Wrote to my son today. Still kind of upset that he doesn't want to come see me. I'm trying to understand it and see it from his perspective. I just don't want to have an emotional gap that's too far gone. I think if I saw him like once a month or so we could get some kind of bond. For five years there's just been a few letters and I'd like to know how he feels what he thinks about all this and try to explain and help hum understand. I just want the chance to be his Dad again... January 28, 2007I'm glad the weekend is over. The beginning of another week and the chance to do something worthwhile is upon me once again. I think, to me anyway, that the biggest part of doing time is a positive attitude. Really I think it's a big part of life. This is yet another one of my flaws that I am trying to improve. If I come out of all this a better person not only mentally but physically then I won't look at it so much as a failure but as a learning experience. At least these are my plans. I really do not want this to be my life... January 30, 2007Pretty much another day. Went out to rec this afternoon and worked out, all of the people that started with me are still not with me. Although I'm only doing this for me I'd like to see them stick with it. Everyone's got their own thing though. Still haven't been to work, don't know what the deal is with that. I would really like to get out of the building for a while though. I don't think I'm going to keep trying to get a job. Some new guys moved in the wing so it's not as bad as it was. Also me and my cellie seem to be getting along better. So I'm going to hold up what I got until I can try to get out to the Trusty Camp. I get another chance in a couple of months. I'm hoping to be out there when I see parole again. Maybe that will give me a better chance. Who knows!!... February 1, 2007Today was library day but I skipped it and went to rec. Good thing too because when we got back I found out they didn't get to go. Had a strange day today. Everything just seemed on edge. Just a few incidents that could have escalated if I would have reacted in the wrong way. Some days in prison are like that, not every day is a good one. I'm waiting to see parole in a couple of months. Also I've got action of going to the Trusty Camp so I'm on eggshells right now. I really don't need to be getting in fights or any other trouble. So I will try to maintain... February 3, 2007Things might just be getting back to normal. They called rec today. This is the first time we had rec on the weekend since the first of the year. So hopefully we'll start going back to work and get back on schedule. I like getting to go to rec at noon but not working and having my time occupied has made the days seem to drag on. That's not a good thing when you're doing time. I pan on reminding the counselor here that I am still trying to get into college and a trade. I see parole in a coupe of months and I don't think that I'm going to make it so I'd really like to get starting trying to get something out of this that I can use upon my release. I would think they would be a little more helpful... February 5, 2007Finally went to work, it was good to get out of the building for a whole. Didn't really do much, shoveled some cottonseed and gathered a bunch of loose hay and put it in the trailers. I skipped on my workout to stay in and watch wrestling. Got a lot of mail today from my girl, a friend that recently got out, and my son's mom. I was really surprised by some of the question she asked. I kind of felt like maybe she was feeling me out to see if she might want to start a relationship with me. But, I may be reading more into it than is really there. Will wait and see how it progresses before I get out there and act in haste. I have really mixed feelings about her. There are a lot of things in the past that would be hard to forget. Good and bad. But for my son to have his Mom and Dad is a lifelong dream I would like to happen. Until I get more info I will just wait and see what happens... February 7, 2007Back on the workout schedule. I guess the work thing was just a one time deal. I don't know if they didn't have enough officers to take us out of if it was just too foggy? I still get up at 5:30am to see what would happen. I hate that because I'd really rather sleep in if there's no work. I hope there are enough laws to work rec tonight. I ran a six and a half minute mile today I was pretty proud of myself. I couldn't have done two in a row but I believe I could have kept the second one under eight. Considering I spend the most of my days in a 5x9 box/cage I think I did pretty well. I wrote my son's mom back yesterday with all the questions answered. I can't wait to see the rebuttal I get. I need some outside attention... February 9, 2007T.G.I.F. another week gone. Got a really good workout today. Haven't gotten any mail since Monday so that kind of sucks but hey that's all part of it. It does with the territory. I'm really glad that they brought rec back on the weekends. I don't dread the weekends like I was. It really helps a lot to be able to go outside in the fresh air. Anyway I wrote some pretty deep letters this week I can't wait to get responses. I've really been feeling rather reclusive lately. Hopefully that will run its course. It usually comes and goes. I think it has to do with lack of companionship. Even though I'm surrounded by people sometimes I just get lonely. I deal with this internally because if I start getting ìsensitiveî then I gotta put up with a bunch of shit or fight. Neither of these options will help in the long run. Prison life is hell... February 11, 2007Took the day off and just hung out. No work out at rec just played handball and had a good time. Then went out and got together with a couple of my buds and bullshitted and told lies to each other. All we needed was a fire and ice chest and we could have been anywhere. It's good to take a break and just chop it up once in a while. Maybe we'll get to work tomorrow... February 13, 2007Well there wasn't any work yesterday or today. It rained again so it's back to rec in the gym. They cancelled rec last night but I got a good workout at noon yesterday and today. I did get mail yesterday which was a plus. My aunt wrote as well as Sheila. Sheila might even be up here this weekend. Well they just cancelled rec tonight. Damn, I really hope I get to see Sheila this weekend. Mail is really cool but it doesn't compare to having a visit. That is the best to get your head out of here for a while. It's kind of depressing when it's over but it's definitely worth it. I wish I could get to the Trusty Camp so all my visits would be contact. I also had a parole lay in today. They let me know that I was coming up and making sure all my info was correct. He said they should be voting on me in May. This will be the forth time I hope they give me a break this time. March 27, 2007Well I meant to start this yesterday. I haven't journaled since last month. A lot has happened since then. I've moved from the cell blocks to a dorm. I've gotten a new job working in the garment factory. Both of these things are big improvements in how I'm doing my time. I'm able to go to rec every day at noon. My workouts have been great, I've been able to go to the library every wek. Also I really like my job. I'm a sewing machine operator. Never though I'd be that. Never sewed before but turns out its pretty easy and I'm pretty good at it. Silly waiting to hear back from parole. Got a visit from a friend (Shelia) last weekend. That was very cool. It's really good to see and talk to someone that's out there. It gives me hope and lets me know that I'm loved. Which after five years means a lot. Still trying to find a good pen pal, hell even a bad pen pal. Someone to be able to have a conversation with that's not centered around prison life. Let it be know that I'm back. The "old-school blog" AKA journal will continue... March 29, 2007Feeling particularly edgy today. Sometimes I just feel so fed up with being here and the people around me. I tend to be a little too honest on days like this and for that reason I try to limit my contact with as few people as possible. I tend to be quite an assshole and people get their feelings hurt. I didn't realize there were so many sensitive people in prison. I understand the problem here is me. The people I socialize with who know me take it in stride for the most part. That is why we consider ourselves friends. We know each other's flaws and accept them. For that I am grateful. The working out is still going well. The mail hasn't been all that but it comes and goes. It just sucks waiting for it to come back. When it does though, man there's nothing better than knowing someone cares. March 31, 2007I have been in minimum custody for a year and a day. I plan on trying to go to the trusty camp sometime really soon. It seems like I'm always busy, which is good because my time has been flying. That is really good. I'm waiting for my parole answer now. Some of the people that went to see them when I did got their answers today. Also there's a rumor of a shakedown coming soon. That is such a colossal pain in the ass. Imagine someone telling you to get everything you own, bag it up, carry it down the street and then they go through it. If they think you shouldn't have it they throw it away. Yeah well I feel the same way!!! ☺ I just chalk it up to being part of the punishment phase. Really though, being separated from society is pretty much punishment enough in my opinion. April 2, 2007Well I got served child support papers today. I owe the court in Kaufman CO. $111. I've never been in Kaufman Co. I'm really kind of upset by this. I also got a letter from my daughter's mom saying they put the case in default. Which was what she was trying to do all along. What a pain in the ass. We had it all worked out until the state stepped in. Like I'm not feeling enough of their authority here in their prison!! Anyway my workouts are staying strong. I'm making improvements to my body. They're gradual but they are happening. Still doing pretty well as far as being a good person. A little bit of effort makes all the difference. Till next time... April 24, 2007Well it's been a while since my last entry. The reason being I got shipped to another unit, a pre-release actually. Silly me, I thought I might actually be getting released. I have since found out that my parole was denied yet again. So I'm thinking I was sent here to lighten up the TDCJ count, that way they don't seem so overcrowded. There were 30 of us that left for pre-release. The reason I haven't been making my usual appearance in my journal is that when I went into transit I was only allowed to bring one bag with me. Surprisingly, after five years of incarceration my life seems to be bigger than a single bag. But I did get out of the major shakedown at the "Ham." So here I am at Diboll Correctional Center in Diboll. I don't seem to be able to get out of East Texas. The night I left they told me I was going to Venus, which is 30 minutes south of Ft. Worth. So I would have been in my own backyard. Then I got to the Walls unit and was told I was going to Lockhart (south Texas). Then the next morning I was told I was to get on bus headed for Dilboll, my final destination. They say the prison system isn't organized? So I get here and now I'm doing all the stuff you gotta do when you move (unexpectedly). I'm writing everyone, changing my address on my magazine subscriptions, letting my friends know where I'm at. Checking out the new social order of this place, seeing where and how I'm gonna fit in. Now I've been here almost three weeks and it's not too bad. My stuff just came from asthma today so everything should be getting back to normal. I've got into a schedule again and turns out one of the guys here knows some of the people I know out there in the free world (it really is a small world after all). So I'm starting to blend in and do time again. Stay tuned for the adventures...of well me I guess... April 26, 2007Well I'm really trying to blend in here and become part of the background. So I thought. Today I got in trouble for having my shirt off in the rec yard while lifting weights. Apparently that's not allowed. Silly me, I thought I was grown; I was enlightened that was not the case and to quit trying to act like it. I kept my mouth shut and accepted getting talked to like a slightly retarded kid. Even though my parole just got denied again I'm still trying to get my trustee status back. So be it If I gotta eat a little shit. That's just the way it is. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. April 29, 2007It's been three weeks now that I've been here in Diboll. I've come to the conclusion that I don't like it here anymore than I've liked it anywhere I've been caged up. So if I just find a schedule here to do my time I'll start to get comfortable and passing days again. That's about all I can hope for. I've been doing a lot of running lately. More so than usual, between that and my regular weight lifting is how I pass the time. There's been some talk of them doing a softball tournament. I hope that happens. I'm still trying to keep the lines of communication open with my children's mothers, as frustrating as it is. It has been paying off to some degree because my daughter is supposed to be here on the fifth, which I'm very excited about. I haven't seen here in a little over a year. It's been five years since I've seen my son. Hating that. Like the Led Zepplin song says "It's nobody's fault but mine." That in itself is not only hard to admit to oneself but to accept it is even harder. It makes you realize it's not only you that's affected by your actions... May 1, 2007Picking up where I left off, the actions of others. Well it seems one of these intelligent people that I'm locked up with talked a little shit to the people that run this place (warden, chief, etc). Now we don't get any recreation for the rest of the week. Just when I'm thinking it can't get any worse, it does. So I'm trying to make the best of it. Reading a few magazines I've been carrying around, get some books out of the way. I've already written to everyone so I am awaiting responses. I'm needing to get to the library so I can do my history course for the college guild. Other than that I'm just trying to stay out of the way and keep a low profile. I'd like to stay an unknown on this unt. Maybe I can get my trustee status and go someplace closer to home. If not, at least they have contact visits here. Still keeping my hopes up to see my daughter this weekend. Really I'm kinda nervous cause I feel more like a stranger than her father. Hopefully this will be the start of more interaction to come... May 3, 2007If nothing else at least I got a bit of mail today. I got a letter confirming that my daughter will be here this weekend. That's good, the closer it gets the more mixed my emotions are. I'm happy and excited but also nervous and a little scared. This will be my first contact visit I've had with her since she was a baby back in '03. The last time I saw her was about a year ago. So this will be a good thing. Also I've been trying to get myself into better shape, although with rec being taken for the week it's been difficult. Not only that but I went to the store and they still don't have any tuna. There's not a lot of healthy stuff to choose from but that is one of the main things. So I'm doing without. The punishment phase continues... May 5, 2007Cinco de Mayo turned out to be a really good day. I got to see my daughter today. When I first walked in she jumped in her mom's lap and wouldn't even look at me. Shy big time. Eventually she came out of her shell and started playing with me. Then she asked "Are you my new Daddy?" I told her no, I'm the daddy. By the time it was over she was in my lap and gave me a big 'ol hug and kiss when it was time to go. Seeing people you love is great but when they leave it's hard. But overall it was really great. Brenda (mom) said she's gonna start trying to come once a month as the trip isn't as bad as she thought it would be. Very cool. Then that night we all got together and covered one of the tables in the dayroom and made a huge thing of nachos! So all in all today was a great day by any standards. Too bad all weekends aren't like this... May 7, 2007Back to the same ol same ol. It's Monday again, that means mail. I didn't get any but I had a chance to. Better luck tomorrow. I've invested like five bucks in multi outlets and antennas and I still can't listen to the stations I want. This is becoming very frustrating. Also I'm having a hard time getting along with the rest of the white boys. I fit in to a degree because I am white, I just don't share the collective idea of everybody should look out for us because we are. I'm not really all that liberal but I don't feel anybody owes me anything because of who I am. Maybe I'm maturing but it really doesn't bother me all that much that I don't fit in. The group is starting to feel a little too cliquish for me anyway. Although prison is really a place where it's hard on you if you don't fit in. I believe I can shoulder that burden though... May 9, 2007 Middle of the week and I haven't heard from anyone. I've been feeling a little depressed lately. Nothing major but my working out has been suffering. The softball tournament gives me something to look forward to though. It's the little things. I think it's the comedown from getting that visit with my daughter. Waiting for it I was anxious and excited when they got here I was happy. But when they left, man that takes a toll. But for those two hours I was more happy than I've been in a long time. So it was definitely worth it. I'm doing all my writing today so I can use up all these 39 cent stamps. Plus I'll b getting a lot of return mail for the next couple of weeks. If I'd never been locked up I'd never know how much a letter can brighten up somebody's day... |