The journal of Edward Atkins
1 January 2007
Well another year is gone but the remnants of such still lingers into the next. One thing is I don't have to go to Ad-Seg (Hole) again even though I stitched a few loose ends with an adversarial inmate. Received a letter from my brother a couple days ago. He wasn't talking about much just the usual of missing and loving me. Haven't used the phone since October 2006 and I'm left to wonder how my family is doing. Mainly I worry about my step-mother because she doesn't write me she just accepts my calls. My best friend's in a state of confusion as in what to o about us. Lately since she has finally started to contact me we've found out a lot about one another. We talked about her fears of me and I proclaimed my unconditional love for her. I want to become more than friends but she's not sure what she wants. I love her God knows I do but I guess we'll be friends until she voices that she wants to be more than that. My Aunt wrote me. She's alright she just voiced her feelings of loneliness due to her husband's untimely death. Got into it with my cellmate. A lot of times we tend to be at each others throats but deep down we're genuinely homies that respect one another. Another month of not being able to go to Canteen. What is that? I believe I'm going on 21 month of not making it to Canteen. Wrote a new song this week. Yeah, part II of another one of my creations. 90 days of being in Behavior Modification/Anger Management. What started out as a 90-day term has extended to 180-days flat for me and my cellie. Since we got here we've been in numerous incidents it's like this program was designed to trap its inhabitants. Long days of boredom. I've had to have read over 60 books by now. Yeah this is just like the hole. No TV, no radio, no nothing. I'm continuously running out of things to occupy myself throughout the day of 23 hour confinement. Hell we can't even go to the Recreational yard. To be frank I forgot what fresh air smelled like. It's been raining cats and dogs all this week. Been spending quiet time with myself trying to sort out my riff raff of thoughts that over floods my mind. 6 years flat I've been absent from the world known as freedom. To me it seems I grew up in here especially since I've been in since I was 16, now I'm 22 and basically institutionalized. Haven't prayed none this week. What or? To me it feels as though I'm wasting my time and breath. No matter what I can't win for losing hopefully next week things take a turn in my favor, but maybe I'm wishing on a star...
7 January 2007
Not much going on this past week. As usual I got a few letters and pictures. To be frank every time I see the happiness of my family in the many pictures they send me I seem to go into a state of depression. Man do I miss them. Heard some good news. My brother gets out next month. Now that lifts a mental burden but it still adds worry. I wonder if he'll stay on the path of righteousness and do good for his new daughter. My sister wrote me I guess the man of her dreams turned out to be a nightmare. It hurts me not to be able to protect my sister from physical abuse. At the time she says she's moved on and has since divorced her husband. The crazy part is as a kid me and her husband were Best of Best I guess time does change people. I pray my sister can find that one thing she's been searching for which is true love. Unconditional love. My sister has been a constant thought in my mind. Why? Well when I was free nothing could separate us from drugs, alcohol, and parties. We were inseparable. Then when she married an old associate of mine she completely cut me off as if I didn't exist. I still love her, but I question that fact constantly. Finally got a taste of air this week. Yeah, and it cost me five dollars. The only way to breathe is to put in a medical slip to see the doctor. Received a letter from my grandmother stating that she's going to order a few books for me, which is good because I love to read. I started working on a new song but so far I'm not really enthused by the partial lyrical content. Maybe because I know it can be better than what it is now. Had an in depth conversation with my cellmate and we've come to an agreement on various subjects. We even kicked a few street tales minus a few details cause even though we are of the same kind affiliation wise one cant trust no one too much. Why? Because people don't come with guarantees. It's like we enjoy each other's company but if someone was on the outside looking in its ad if we're playing a game of chess mentally because any wrong move could be fatal. Two men with great respect for one another even a hint of love but out chaotic environment keeps us from total personality attachment. Crazy ain't it? Well this week had its ups and downs and next week has yet to come s lets sign off for now. Until paper and pen meet again...
14 January 2007
This week was pretty slow. Not much mail, not much of anything to be exact. Been doing a lot of thinking lately. You know, reminiscing on the past. The single thought that clouded my mind was where did I go wrong? I can't actually pinpoint where my life took a turn for the worse, but if I had the opportunity to do everything over I question would I? I cried the other night because at times a lot of stuff builds up within me and it seems the only way to relieve myself of my minor troubles. I made Canteen which was a blessing $14.00. But hey its something. Discovered that at times people are annoyed by my unconscious arrogance and selfishness. Crazy because until my cellie pointed it out to me I was blind to its existence. It's been a month since I last heard from my maternal sister. Last I was told was that she was transferred to an Airforce base in North Carolina. I don't even know if she arrived or not. Yeah she and a cousin of mine decided to drive instead. Got my inmate appeal back today. They still refuse to release me from this pilot program for Behavior Modification. Personally I don't see me as having a problem with my behavior. I mean sure I've been to the Hole at every prison I've been to but the actions leading up to such justified my purpose and sits well within my mind that such was caused for. I've been having crazy dreams. I get a kick out of trying to decipher the meaning of them. Got a couple of magazines. It smoothes over the fact that I didn't receive any real mail. I wish my grandma would write and inform me of the various happenings on the outs, but to be honest I believe I would have probably gotten stressed out because the reality of my physical absence hurts.
21 January 2007
This week life looked as if things were changing for the good, but somehow some way, something always prevents positive changes for me. I question if I'm becoming pessimistic because I don't really say anything in the area of positivity, let alone think it. My family continues to disappoint me. For me it shows I lack support from them and that's not counting the many commissaries I missed I'm speaking in general. No mail, no stamps, postcards, cards, nothing. I question if I even have a family. Shoot I get more magazines (which I paid for) than a letter just saying "We love you." Man does this week suck. I often get depressed then angry around this time because everyone else can turn in ducats for Canteen except me. Still in this program and at the time I'm looking at April as my out date. Received a letter from my home boy he informed me that an altercation occurred with another one of the homeboys. From what I gather he's in the Hole again. They just did mail call and my Auntie finally wrote me and surprisingly she gave me a number to call. I still haven't heard from my sister. I just look at it as a lost cause. My mother still hasn't let me know what happened with the TV she ordered me but the Institution sent it back. I asked my Committee Board to put me in the Hole because I'd rather be there then in Behavior Modification but they denied my request. Hopefully next week/month is a lot better.
February, 2007
This month has just been all bad except for the fact that I'm finally on step 2 in this behavior modification program. Bitterness has become of me, but I swear it' this institution's fault. I have being incarcerated. So far I've been in six flat years since I was 16. Now I'm 22 and I have four years and a few months left. Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it because the irony of being in here eats away at your soul. The only good thing is I'm drug free, healthy as a human being can be, and I'm finally doing things to alter my thinking. Society probably would deem me as a pessimist, but honestly in my situation who wouldn't be? Just a couple of letters this month and it seems that the more I stay in here the more people dissociate themselves from me. My cousin wrote me, now that's surprising because last time I was out he turned his back on me. They funniest thing I s he comes in and out of here, yet this is my first time in jail period and he brags as if it's nothing. I'm grateful and pissed at the same time. I'm grateful because this time (12 years) has afforded me with the opportunity to really have a reality check. One thing ofr sure is when I get out of here there is no way in hell I'm coming back. Still no word from my mother but I'm beginning to think the prison is refusing our correspondence. The reason I'm pissed at my situation is because I can't stop time everything just keeps moving along while I'm not there to relish in such. My aunt is doing well and she sent me $50 to spend at canteen, boy is that a lifted burden. I also received a letter, pictures, and $100 money order from my sister. That was very shocking because I haven't heard or received anything from her since 2004. My other sister finally decided to send me ner new address, its about time. My brother is now on the street hopefully he stays out this time. The mail is running pretty funny everytime I send out a letter they keep coming back, just like my previous journal entries. I don't understand exactly why unless it's some type of repraisal against my person. NO cigarettes, no weed, no alcohol, I'm just left to do my time sober. I guess that's the only way the spirits see fit for me to learn my lesson. Well the only thing to look forwards to next month is making step 3 and graduating finally from this program. But lets wait and see because this prison is full of corruption and conflict. Hopefully I rise and prevail....P.S. Sorry it took so long it's just I had to keep modifying the content.
'til next month
March, 2007
This month has been extremely complicated. People havent been coming at me left and right trying to pick my brain. Ghost jackets are being placed on unwarranted shoulders because of jealously. I received $500 from y mom which was very much needed and appreciated. Still haven't gotten a letter yet but it has been brought up about the mailroom staff denying my incoming correspondence with her. My homeboy has come to the conclusion that I'm slacking in my "gangsterism." My look is that I'm maturing. I care not really about the gang life anymore because a lot of times it serves no prevailing purpose. Everyday that I sit in my cell or breathe in the smell of confinement disrupts my emotional state. I'm strong but I'm becoming restless. I'm calm but I'm finding myself inconstant worry about nothing I can control. I'm lonely but I 'm learning to cope with absence. A case has been reviewed and if all pans out It could effect me in a positive aspect. Yeah, the U.S. Supreme Court found California's sentencing mechanism to be constitutionally unjust, so I might get out early. I got a letter from a woman named Rachel although, I don't know her. I found her epistle to be very endearing. (17) Days left in my behavior modification program and I'm hoping I make it to graduate and hit the mainline (General Pop.) Again. Found the tune and mind to write (2) new songs today, and I'm just storing them until I hit the streets to record them in a studio and sell them mainstream to garnish funds to get my mother out. So cross your fingers and pray. Until next month...
April 2007
Another month riddled with disappointment. The best thing that happened was finally being emancipated out of the Behavior Modification Program. 180-days flat and boy did I feel it. When they said I was free to be placed back in general population a huge burden was lifted. Not much mail this month maybe people were starting to give up on me because every time they turned around I was in the hole. I don't blame them though and to be real with myself I would've given up on me too. My dream and aspirations have changed but my ambition and passion to achieve what I believe to be the impossible keeps me ground. My days are becoming very irritable to the point that I find myself in deep depression and angry. My few associates tell me I've developed a complex mainly in the area of not allowing people to tell me what to do. I guess I have become a renegade in a way. But my thoughts are what is a man if he can't do as he please without rehash or ridicule? That's why I despise confinement because the rules and regulations implemented by the Department of Corrections, to the Code of the Convict established by the inmates. I've just been in a real slump and hopefully next month life starts to look up.
20 May 2007
I hate prison and all it represents. Where I come from prison is looked at as a right of passage, it's like brownie points in the hood (urban areas). What's so glorifying about being locked up like an animal? I've been in nearly 7 years and I got a few more left but every day I reside within this sub-environment I feel as though a part of my soul is perishing. Since my last entry, this month has been full of ups and downs. For starters, my brother's back in jail. Looking at 32 years for a robbery he swears he didn't commit. I don't know what to think. My brother is all I really got. We've both went through life and its harshness together. The worse part was telling my mom whom already worries so much about me now. Once again me (2) of my brothers and mother are all incarcerated. And that's not including all the cousins and uncles either. Besides that I've been in a state of frustration. Things that normally wouldn't bother me now piss me off. I'm not a complainer and I despise people who do. A lot of dudes I've been around seem to complain about any and everything. I'm like dude, you're in jail, what do you expect? I find that to be a waste of one's mind to stress issues that you can't change. Haven't written any music in a while but I have been working on a few short stories. Recently I received a letter from a volunteer. I also got a few of my family members looking into getting me a lawyer. Hopefully I can acquire such. Yeah the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that it was illegal to give people enhancements without a jury rendering its verdict on such. That right there should get me out of here earlier than the 4 years and a few months I have left. My dad, he's been corresponding with me after a 21 year hiatus. Plus next month I'll be 23, now ain't that crazy. I grew up in jail. Well, till next month...
June 2007
This month actually came and went pretty fast. First off my birthday was June 8th and I'm now 23. I would've been merrier about it if I was free, but since I'm incarcerated I guess it's safe to say it could've been worse if I was out, because with my troubled lifestyle I probably wouldn't have made it to see 23 if I was out. I guess prison has its plus sides. Another thing that went well was finally getting my television. I received a lot of cards for my birthday or at least birthday wishes. No one seems to know what's going on with my brother. An old associate of mine wrote me and we put our juvenile spat behind us. So far so good on staying out of trouble, mainly because I disassociated myself from the cancerous pupils I would normally hang with. Now my time is occupied with a lot of positivity and self-understanding. I've also been working on my conversational skills, so it will limit the many conflicts I placed myself in as a minor and young adult.
July 2007
This month has been crazy. A few scares with my sister going in and out of the hospital due to cancer complications. It pains me especially being that I'm not there for her to offer my physical support. Still no news as to what's going on with my brother and his situation. A friend of mine came around and actually started writing me. I feel good about it because I truly thought that bad blood existed between us and I was unaware of what caused such. I'm also in the process of completing my book. My wish is that it appeals to the masses, well adult population due to its content. Haven't heard from my mom in a long time but my sister delivers her messages to me which takes the cheat off if my hurt. Other than that I must say this month has been more so the best I've had since being here in Pelican Bay. Nothing is better than being free, but to at least be in peace within one's mind is the next best thing. I'm hoping to get a visit soon which will do me some good.