The journal of Floyd A. Reese
Undated 2007
I think often of writing. I start what I'm going to say in my mind and by the time I get read to write, everything I want to write is so full of anger. Who really wants to read about me being mad? I stay mad all the time. Sometimes I don't even know who I'm mad at, but still I'm mad. Some people in here understand, and some don't. So how can I expect people not in here to relate, or to even want to hear it? But you guys there have been good to me, so I gotta try to keep that in mind. Just bear in mind that I'm not mad at you guys.
My best friend in here is getting shipped today. That doesn't help my disposition any. He might end up somewhere better, but likely it'll be worse. This is Texas after all. He's also got cancer and is pretty much dying. He's been sick the last ten days and hasn't been able to eat anything. Medical attention here is very lax. Everything else is too. The officers are mostly older and more laid back, so they don't really trip out and do a lot of unnecessary antagonism stuff to make you mad. Everything else is messed up, but I like it here for that reason. I can deal with all the inmates and offenders, but it's hard to deal with the police. I'm already never going to get out, so another life sentence or two won't hurt me. I'm just glad to be somewhere that I'm not having to do that.
Now, back to the medical. I get a few newsletters and lots of people around me get them. So I read all these other dudes in other states, and I think they're whining. So with that said, it's okay for others to think that of me. I'm never going to be free, so I have no hope and don't think I could write cheerful. It's just not in me. See, here in Texas, inmates do not et paid for labor. Yet we still get charged for any and all medical expense. It's not much, but still I'm a ward of the state, so why should I have to pay for getting sick while I'm in their care and custody? I didn't ask to be here. But let other people in other states read that. And still when you pay, you can't get anything done. I'm in seg, so I'm locked down all the time. There are 14 single cells on my section, and it's actually okay here. Most people here get along, and I've been places where that's not always the case. But my friend, Heavy, is very sick. He put in a request to go to medical. We were on a unit lockdown, but they still run medical. After listening to him puke for five days straight, me and some others asked a guard to do something. He looked at his list and said "Well, he went to the shower today, so he can't be that sick," and walked away. On lock down we only get to shower M-W-F. It was a Monday. Because he showered, he wasn't sick. This guard was or is a young guy who just started. He's also only about 5'3" and 120lbs and was trying to be tough. And the point is, he wouldn't do anything. Welcome to Texas.
I talked to a few of the guys down here and yelled at some in the other sections. Our pod is all the way at the back of a very big building, and no rank ever comes back here willingly. It's too far to walk. All the laws here are lazy to begin with, so most of the time you can get what you want if you're willing to fight for it because they're just too lazy to do anything else. That is another reason I like it here. Other places they'll just gas you, beat you up, and then take all your property away. Even your mattress. They're too lazy to do that here. So after yelling around, I got five people to flood their cells and the run. It takes about 45 minutes to get enough water in your cell to make difference. Then the ranks have to come back here to shut the water off and see what the problem is. That's the only way they'll come back here. I hate feeding their thoughts that I'm an animal, but what else was I supposed to do? Finally, someone comes down here to see about the trouble. There were five of us, so they're way too lazy to write that many cases. Then it's all "What's the problem? Why didn't someone tell the officer?" All the same questions they always ask. Heavy is dry heaving the whole time the dude's at my door. The sergeant looks in and knows Heavy because he has to rush him to a free world hospital last time he got real bad. Then he calls medical. Now they'll see Heavy. He gets a shot, pills for his stomach, and a little justice. But with him still having to pay, that's how we have to do it here.
So you think you got it bad where you are, just remember you could be here. And this is after only 3 months when they found someone stabbed to death in his cell. That's not unusual, but it's because the dude had been dead for several hours before somebody got around to checking on him. Then, on another unit last month, an inmate was found dead in his cell from a heart attack. He was only 30, and he was in high security seg. They have intercoms in their cells, and he couldn't get anyone to help him. He died, and these laws (officers) are supposed to do security checks every 30 minutes. Do you think anyone will be fired? That happened on an All Read unit. I've been there before. When I was there, a guard handcuffed an inmate and raped him. He got fired but only got one year probation on a misdemeanor charge. Inmates do rape guards here, and what do you think happens when that does occur? If the accused doesn't "hang himself" mysteriously with all his bones broken, then that's a life sentence and never getting out. Welcome to Texas. I did know one guy who broke out of his cell to stab somebody. The guard didn't run and try to help because we can only leave our cells handcuffed and escorted. The dude got six years for stabbing the guard and eight years for the inmate. I feel little sense of justice in that, and it pisses me off. Makes me realize that I'm becoming the animal they already think I am. But this is the Texas system.
Back in 1999 and 2000, Penthouse magazine had two really good articles about the Texas system. They were really bashing Bush. Everyone is doing that here. Good Bush said "We don't need to pay them. We give them good time credit for working." That sounds really good, right? What he didn't say was that not all of us here can earn good time. I have an aggravated sentence, so there's nothing I can do. My time sheet still shows that I'm getting good time, but it doesn't count. And if I get a case, then they can take my good time away. And once it's taken, you can never get it back. Bush made that law. Before him, if they took your good time, you could get it back in 90 days if you didn't get in any trouble. Not now. And even for nonviolent offenders, the good time is discretionary, meaning they don't have to give it to you if they don't want to. Is it any wonder that Bush forgot to tell people that? And then they still want us to work in all of their factories that sell furniture, mattress, and the like to county jails. They make money, and we stay broke, not even getting good time. This has been called the No Hope System, and that is what it is
If you don't get into any trouble, then you can get one phone call for 3 to 5 minutes every 90 days. Catch a case, any case, and you get none. Most other states have phones on all the blocks. Must be nice. And I read something by this dude in New York who was upset that he was making money but had to keep $40 back at all time cause the state wouldn't let him spent it so he'd have that when he got out. I'll trade places with him any day. It would be nice not to have to ask someone to send me money. I'm 34 years old, and yet I still have to have someone else support me. I've quit writing to all my family because I refuse to have them support me. If I can't take care of myself, then I'll just do without. I just got a receipt showing my dad sent me money. All that did was piss me off. Really, I wasn't even sure if he'd died in Katrina. They said the whole town he lived in, Pass Christian, was destroyed. My family problems go deeper, and it's just not what I want to get into now. I just want them to leave me alone. Still they won't.
I guess this small entry didn't come out too bad. At least not as much anger as I thought. Other than Heavy leaving in a few minutes, I'm not too hostile today. Maybe that shows that I can control my emotions a little bit. I wasn't trying, it just happened. :-P I do like to joke and laugh. It keeps me from thinking and remembering. I heard this country song the other day called "Un-remember" or something like that.
I got out for 19 months and 6 days. I started out at Salvation Army getting clothes. When I was arrested, my girlfriend and I had just put $10,000 down on a 2,700 sq. ft. house with a pool. I was in it for 2 months during the winter and never even got to use the pool. I've always been a junkie, and this time for the first time, I won't. I made lots of money, busting my ass daily doing tile work. And in the blink of an eye in the middle of the night, it was gone. Any wonder I wish I could un-remember everything? Everyone knows I'm not guilty, yet still I sit here in my cell/ Cage 23 hours a day with nothing but memories I don't want. Any wonder I'm angry all the time?
Nov, 2007
It's not up to me if I'm going to die in this cage. He had a choice. He went for one round of that radiation & he told me it felt like his insides were being cooked. He has kids so I argues that he had to do it for them. He wouldn't. He talked about his son a lot. His son didn't even know he was in here. He wouldn't tell his mom how sick he was so I know this hit her hard. She's the one I feel for & his kids. If he would've told his mom he was dying then maybe he would've been able to see his family. Maybe he would've been able to say goodbye to his son. He didn't want any of them to worry & I do understand that. He was closer to his mom than I ever was to mine, so I think he should've told her. He didn't have to die in here. He could've fought. He would've been 40 this year a day after I turn 35. If I had a chance to get out alive, I'd fight for it. It sucks going to sleep everyday hoping you don't wake up. I've refused any & all blood pressure medication they keep trying to put me on. This is Texas & the only reason they want to keep me alive is so that I'm able to do more time on my sentence. Diabetes scares me because I don't want to go blind. I don't care about dying but the going blind scares me. My mom & dad both have it. My grandparents had it & its hereditary. I try to stay away from medical at all. I do get medication for sinuses but it's mostly because I hate having scabs in my nose. And I only get one roll of toilet paper a week. If I have to use it all blowing my nose, then I'm stuck out. Heavy did tell me he was in so much pain that he wanted to die. I guess at least he's not hurting anymore. He believed in all that God crap so maybe that'll do him some good. At least he's free of this cage. I just caught myself smiling remembering a conversation with him. There are some whites over here but they're downstairs. All they do is argue with each other all day. I like it better where there's less whites. Too many together & the arguments always start. Ever heard of that federal super max prison in Colorado? It was on 60 Minutes the other day. I've heard of it before but this was the most I've heard. Those dudes were crying about how hard it is. Shit! Come to a super seg in Texas. Those dudes have tvs in their cells & phone access. Texas has finally approved more phone access but I don't know how it's gonna work for seg. I did over two years in a super seg. Here. If I wouldn't have gotten mail daily, I'd lost my mind. I had a radio, same as now, but it's not the same. They were crying because they had to be strip searched before they went to rec. Well, here once you get stripped, you get cuffed & you have to walk to the rec. yard naked, no shoes. You get everything back on the rec. yard. And it doesn't matter how cold it is. The same thing going back to your cell. Anyone of them who thinks it's hard here should come & spend a few months here. They'll eagerly go back to where they are and be happy about it. Anyone who thinks prisoners have it easy should spend a month in this system. Nothing is easy. It's not supposed to be, I know. But the daily things that should be easy are made difficult. People ask me all the time about religion. Well, my take is that I'm already in hell. If somewhere is worse than this, I just can't imagine it. I killed a mouse in my cell yesterday. I wasn't trying to, I was trying to catch him and I accidentally stepped on him when he went a direction I wasn't expecting. My neighbor killed this huge spider in his cell today. It's not really cold here yet but it has run off most of the crickets. They're supposed to spray for bugs & all that. They never do in seg. It took six month fight with the system just to be able to get clean clothes everyday like we're supposed to. Now they've passed a new rule if you get petitions going that it's a major disciplinary case. Imagine that! I'm fighting now just to get butter and sugar on the breakfast trays. This is the only unit I've ever been on that it's not served. They say the menu come out of Huntsville and they have to follow it. I was in Huntsville a year ago and got it every morning. Why not here? You see the irony, right? They have to follow the menu but they don't. Everything is a fight. It's been a few months since the clothes paperwork and they've started slacking off. In another couple of months it'll be back to where we're lucky to get clean socks weekly. I know how to use soap and wash my own but what about when they don't pass out soap? I'll choose to wash my ass over my clothes every time. They've even got it now where we hardly get recreation. Nobody does shit. They just accept it! It won't be long until they decide to take our radios. I guess no one will fight for those either. This system here is set up to be gang related. There are so many it's hard to count them all. And Blacks don't count. I'm not saying that from a racist view, that's Texas. They don't confirm black inmates as crips or bloods or any of that other. They only confirm white and Hispanic gangs. But they encourage them. If the individual races can't unite among themselves, then they'll unite with others. If there's no unity, then the system here can do what they want and not have to worry about anything.
Nov, 2007
I'm going to try to talk a little about the Jena 6 without sounding racist. It's hard not to anyway. I'll always stand up for my race first and foremost. That's just me. But I'm sick of hearing all this justification for the white kid getting jumped. Are you saying that it's okay for this to have happened? You might not like the act of hanging a noose, but it's not criminal or violent. And most people seem to be saying both are equal. Can't see that. If it would've been whites jumping on a black kid, what do you think would've happened? I've seen it on the local Texas newscasts. All the whites got life sentences. Why didn't anyone cry out for them? Oh, they're racists, so it's okay. Six blacks on white isn't racist? Or is it okay to be black and a racist? See, if you are white and have pride in that, then you're veil. Funny how that works. Blacks can stand up and march for their race and it's okay. You better not be white and say anything supporting this white kid! Where were all the blacks before this dude got convicted? Why weren't there any black lawyers willing to defend him for free? Everyone seemed so concerned about them after the fact. This is the South. Racism isn't going away, it's part of life. I have friends who live in a town east of Dallas and they proudly have confederate flags in their yards. If you don't like it, move! No one can force anyone to live anywhere they don't choose to. Crying doesn't get anything done. And I find it nice that Sting donated money for the defense fund and Mychael Bell's family went and bought new furniture with it. If they weren't concerned with his defense, why should you be? He already had four convictions and now ha three more in juvenile court. In Texas, all 17 year olds are trialed as adults. Same in Louisiana. I've lived both places and been locked up. I know a lot of guys in here who wee tried as adulted for violent crimes at 14, 15, and 16. Where are the people fighting fro them? I don't think Jena was about race anyway. It's all about money. Everyone talks about poor blacks always getting convicted. Well I'm White and I've never been shown any favoritism n any courtroom. Justice is only about one color. Green! If you got enough money you can buy all the justice you can afford. Look at OJ and Phil Spektor. Both are guilty but have money. The Jena 6 now got good lawyers working for them so they'll get their justice. Never mind the attack on the white kid. He's white so it's okay. Whites are supposed to be smart enough to know better right? Really, that's what society and the NAACP all are saying in all this. Just think about it. I had a lawyer tell me for $35,000 he'd walk me out the courthouse door. I didn't have it. Look at me now. Where's my justice?