PRISONER EXPRESS

I had a rough day at work. I got into it with the officer and the Lt., and may end up with a case. I put in for a job change verbally. I'll submit a written report tonight. I'm still eating regularly, but I'm avoiding sweets. That's a start I guess.

5 January 2007

When is it right to stand up for yourself? When do you let things go? This is a very difficult subject for me. Life in prison has taught me that you need to be a man and make a stand for what is right. But, when at odds with authority, do the rules change? I had a conflict at work. I could've let it go, but I didn't. Why? Is it because in the back of my mind I knew it would result in a job change? Was it pride? Was it just being hard headed? I guess whatever I do, I just need to make sure that I'm going to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons. But, the mind sure plays tricks on you, and whoever knows if it's the right reasons? Or, am I just making myself justify it until I can believe in my mind it was the right reasons?

6 January 2007

I was just reading my Does God Exist? material, and I had something brought to my attention. It talks about giving and receiving. It's not just about God's teachings, but the benefits you receive from giving. For most of my life, I never gave more than I received. It destroyed relationships with Stacey, my friends, and family. It's definitely something I need to work on. Another thing that's been on my mind a lot lately. I claim to have certain attributes, or characteristics, like being compassionate, passionate, caring, loyalty, honesty, etc. But, I have to question these things when I come across others that have these qualities in abundance. Do I really have them? Or, do I put forth the façade that I have these attributes? It's hard to find out about the passion, as it's hard to have passion for much in prison. Compassion? It's a world where compassion is seen as a weakness in here, and that gives me the excuse to now show that quality in here. I work on honesty and loyalty daily, but sometimes things stand in my way of my thoughts on those. It's something I need to investigate.

7 January 2007

I talked to Stacey and Megan yesterday. It was really good to talk to them. I had the best conversation I've ever had with Megan. Stacey said she's have the copies of certificates I asked her to do for me to put in my parole packet. She said she would send them with my poetry book I asked her to send back to me. She is a huge procrastinator, but I will look for them to come soon. Megan said she came in last in her cheerleading competition. But, for a 12 year old, she didn't sound too upset. Stacey's doing a good job raising her. I went to work without incident last night. Lt. Howard is so hard to read, so we'll see what happens on my 4 days off. I'm sending Megan her card in the morning. I send her a card, or write her a letter every week, without fail. She rarely writes, but that doesn't matter. It's not her responsibility at her age to stay in touch, it's mine.

8 January 2007

Watching the OSU/Florida game today. Received a letter from Brandy not talking about much. She is becoming a good friend. She is my best friend's girl, so it's good that we have become friends. It seems that all I write is friend's girlfriends, and mothers. It passes the time, but I wish I had someone to write I could at least flirt with.

9 January 2007

Played basketball for the first time in a long time today. The shoulder felt good. It only felt vulnerable once, but it wasn't hurt again. I'm mailing some stuff to Stacey. It's inspirational stuff, and my poem "High Enough." I know that she could use a little inspiration here and there, after all, she is a single mother. I'm not sure what I expect from here once she sees the stuff. Some kind of response I guess. I wrote Mary about my bible readings and asked her a few questions about what I've read so far. She's the one who sent me the bible anyway. I know that her and her husband are knowledgeable about the bible, since they run a church. I'm paroling there, so I don't want to not be able to have an intelligent discussion about Christianity.

10 January 2007

I'm not happy with my work-out ethic. I did 100 each push ups and sit ups today, that's it. I want to start jump roping. I'm thinking I'll jump-rope everyday at 4pm. I can do this 30 minutes a day every weekday. I can still do my journal, bible reading, bible journal, and everything else I do. I'm writing a book about this place, and my experiences here. My starting line will be "Loneliness is the most desperate emotion a man can ever experience." or something along those lines. I'm having to force myself to not write Stacey. There is that lonesome desperation. I was hoping that I'd get a letter from her today. Maybe I'm asking too much, I just called her last weekend, no way she wrote right away.

11 January 2007

Something I've noticed a lot lately is the fact that I get emotional when I see certain scenes in movies or T.V. shows. I wonder if I've always been like that? I think that I have, and it gives me hope that I can be passionate and compassionate in the future. I almost got into a fight on the basketball court today. I need to have belief in things I want to happen. But, it has to be genuine belief. No matter what religion, or lack of religion you have, belief is key to everyone's faith. Other than getting out, building a relationship with Megan, and being successful, I'm not sure what I want. Maybe that's something I need to think about too.

12 January 2007

I spoke with Lt. Howard about a job change. He said he would talk to them on Tuesday the 16th. Hopefully that goes through. I met someone last night that has been on my mind since. She is considered off limits, considering our places in here. But, she really turned my head. I'll write more about her as I get to know her. I'm really investigating the Does God Exist? material. I need to know exactly where I stand on my beliefs. I'm 32, I need conviction.

13 January 2007

Day off from journal. Nothing really to write about, and it's in the middle of my 12 hour work days, so I'm taking a break today.

14 January 2007

I'm back. I'm still slacking on my work-out, waiting to see if I get the job change I'm waiting for. If not, I need to get a set schedule. Still haven't heard from Stacey. I'm sending her that card along with Megan's card to go out in the morning. I'll keep trying and maybe she'll come around.

15 January 2007

I saw that girl again. She is going to occupy my mind a lot. I've been here for quite a few years, and never taken a shot such as this. I've actually avoided the opportunities I've had. This is really tempting though. I know she isn't looking for some convict that doesn't have much going for himself, but a man can wish can't he? I don't think this is one of those situations where I'm starved for affection, I really dig this girl. Now, to reality. Stacey still hasn't written. I really believe that she knows what she's doing though. If she stayed in touch regularly, we might say things out of loneliness or familiarity that would lead to promises we don't mean to make, and try to make something out of really nothing. So, the question is, do I continue writing her and sending her poems?

16 January 2007

I'm really slacking on my Spanish. Maybe I made too many New Year's resolutions. It may take a little while for some of them to take root. Really, everything revolves around my schedule. My schedule sucks with my current job. I work 6pm to 6am, 4 days out of the week. My days off always change, and I'm always exhausted after working my final day. No job change today. I'm doing good writing in my journal, and reading the bible, and writing in my bible journal. I'm reading, and writing poetry regularly. I'm going to wait on the craft shop to see what parole does. If she puts me in there in the next 2 months, I'll go. If not, I won't until I know if I'm going to make parole or not. I'm up in August. Even if I don't make it, I discharge 10/09 regardless. I mentioned my auto shop idea to Mary. I'm waiting on her thoughts on the idea. I finished Peace Pilgrim. The book repeated itself so much it became really hard to continue reading. She is at peace with herself, and I like the idea of peace worldwide, but most of the rest just isn't for me. But, I do believe that I'm a better person for reading it. I haven't been able to work out at work. I've had another agenda, so I went 3 out of 4 days doing nothing.

17 January 2007

Made commissary today. Bought some new snacks, hygiene, cocoa, pork skins, and some sugar free ice cream. I typed up the previous pages for Gary at cresp. I feel like keeping a diary in a chat room. I'll still be my honest self though, otherwise I'd just be wasting my time. I haven't been getting any responses from my web-site. Not the one this would be on, I don't expect responses from this one. I'm referring to Pampered Prisoner.com, my pen-pal site. Maybe I should change it up. I'm not feeling the Old Testament. I personally think Moses was full of it. It's just all too fantastic to be believable. A few thousand years ago you might have been able to spin such a story, but it doesn't ring true now. It doesn't make any sense! If indeed some of the things documented in Exodus transpired, the people's reaction would have been much different. The actions just don't match typical human behavior, in any era. I've received no job change. I wrote my letter to parole today I just tried to explain that 13 years on a 15 is enough. What's the difference between 13 and 15? I have a life waiting on me out there, and I don't want it to pass me by because I can't make parole. I've given them no new reasons to set me off again, and people with a worse record than me are making parole. I know it's my change that's killing me. I'll get more into that later.

18 January 2007

Took another day off. No work, no mail, just took the day off.

19 January 2007

Got a letter from Brandy, wrote her back. Changed my ad on my website. Wasn't getting a good response, so I changed it up and put a new poem on it. It is called "High Enough." See if that garners a better response. Haven't really done anything I was really supposed to do today. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I still didn't get a job change. I guess I'll just stick it out. I wrote the poem "Restart" today. It's about Stacey, but I don't think I'll send it to her. Don't want her to think I wrote it to try to romance her. It's just poetry. Found a good poetry book today called, "The Norton Book of Light Verse." It is edited by Russell Baker.

20 January 2007

Ran into this guy who can find people. I hired him to find a couple of people for me. He's the one who is trying to find my brother-in-law. Hopefully he'll come through with the addresses.

21 January 2007

I'm going to put a piece of paper up in my cubicle. It's going to say; "There are consequences to everything you do in life." I have to make it a point to remember that, whatever I do in life, I have to be willing and prepared to face any consequences behind those actions. Such as my change. I had sex with a girl who turned out to be only 13 years old. I was 20 at the time. I knew she was young. Maybe not that young, but I was drinking and just made a very bad decision. That has cost me at last 13 years of my life, maybe even 15. I wasn't willing to pay the price for my actions in that situation. But, I also never considered the consequences. That's something I have to do from now on. I've ran out of chances. Had I not already been on probation and parole for car theft, and burglary, respectively, I wouldn't have done time on this circumstantial charge. So, I need to find me a good woman, settle down, raise a family, and work for an honest living, and make much better decisions this next time around.

22 January 2007

Something I want to work on is doing things for people unconditionally without an ulterior motive. We all like to think we are altruists, but so much of what we do for others is dependent on what they can do for us in the future. In the Oxford American Dictionary, the word integrity is defined as; honesty, incorruptibility; wholeness ; entirety; soundness. Many people claim to be honest, wholesome, and of sound mind. But, how many can actually say they are incorruptible? That covers it all right there. Then, throw in entirety. That means completeness. So, through integrity you ultimate in this life. I received my visitation list today. My aunt Billie, and Richard, my sister's boyfriend, are on there now. Hopefully, that will lead to more visits.

23 January 2007

I received a letter from Mary. She is staying in San Antonio with her daughter, son-in-law, and newborn grandson. I'll probably write her back this week. I just sent her a letter, so there's no real hurry. I'm trying to be nicer. I understand everyone has an opinion on things, but here's a way to voice your opinion. You can do it in a way that can make someone feel bad, or you can do it in a constructive manner. Or, you can just keep your mouth shut. Sometimes that's the best thing.

24 January 2007

I wrote Stacey today, and sent her a SASE with a checklist in it, so she doesn't have to write, just check yes or no to my questions. I need her to send me those copies of my certificates. I also sent her the poem "Next Time." I'm also working on my sincerity. Since I have focused on rebuilding my character, I se so many aspects that could use some work. I'm pretty sincere in most of what I do and say, but I would like to be sincere in everything I do and say. That means complete honesty with everyone I deal with, and good intentions in everything I do. A lot of things to work on, but it really is worth it. Not only will other people like me better, but I'll like myself better. When once I was shallow, thinking my looks and confidence would get me through life. I now realize how incomplete that belief was.

25 January 2007

I have a poem, "To Put Into Words." It has a line in it that says, "Can the sacrifices stand the test of time, when compromise is such a fine line?" Sacrifices aren't really the initial act. People feel they make sacrifices everyday. But, sacrifices are all about the hardships one endures due to having made that initial sacrifice, without every compromising while you suffer for it. Brandy is having second thoughts about staying with my friend Andy. He has about 15 years served on a mandatory 35 year flat sentence. So, he has at least 20 to go. She made the sacrifice to be with him about 3 or 4 years ago. Now that the hardships from that choice are becoming a burden on her life, she is beginning to compromise. The good news though, is Andy knew she wouldn't be there forever. We talked about I, and he decided to just enjoy it while it lasted. I'll put my work in to keep them together a little while longer, though I believe that she is close to the point of moving on. I believe that Andy has a change at a time cut, and hope is a wonderful thing. If I can keep that hope alive and well in Brandy, it could make a difference. Had a guy write me off my web-site. He seems genuinely sincere. He is slightly autistic, 51, and lives in California. He said he sent out 200 X-mas cards to prisoners and received many responses. So, I'm going to write im back and warn him of the shark tank he jumped in. So many inmates are on these web-sites to con people out of money, I don't want to see him taken advantage of. I'll also offer my friendship. He may be autistic, a loner, and recluse, as he describes himself, but he also may have a lot to offer as a person. He says he likes reading, college football, music, and has interests in traveling and genealogy. So, I could learn a lot from him.

26 January 2007

I read from a poetry book today, and wrote down some of the ones I liked. They were all love poems by women. It's weird what I feel sometimes when I read poetry. Some make me think of Stacey, some make me long for someone else to love, but I seem to relate to so many poems in one way or another. I've either felt the way a poem describes, or I look forward to feeling that way again.

27 January 2007

I think I made a very important decision in life today. I believe I'm going to go to Weslaco with the intention of staying there permanently. I feel it's best really. I have the opportunity there to be successful with the support awaiting me. It's a new start, which is something I could use. It's away from Stacey, which would be better for us both. I wrote Stacey and told her, also Mary.

28 January 2007

It's Sunday, and a work day. I'm taking a day off from the journal again.

29 January 2007

Well, I went to work last night and discovered that Lt. Howard is gone. He went to first shift. We not have Lt. Poole, who should be easier to work for. I'm not so concerned about a job change now. I'm back on my Spanish now, and I've slackened up on reading the bible. I thought I was ready to read it with a sincere heart, but I'm just not. But, going to Weslaco, I need to work on my Spanish.

30 January 2007

I got the address for Shep, my brother-in-law. He is living in Austin. I wrote home and gave the address to my grandmother and sister. One thing's for sure, he's alive and well, not in prison, and not in jail. He seems to have been trying to leave behind his past.

31 January 2007

I received a letter from Brandy. There might be a problem. I think she is falling for me. That's not good. I want to be her friend because she is a cool chic. But, she has been getting frustrated with Andy's situation. I talked earlier about her frustrations, but now it seems that they are leading her to looking at me as more than just a friend. I want to be there for her, but I could never betray my friend by taking his girl, even if she was the perfect girl for me. I just don't operate like that. Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should be. She might just be a little more flirty than usual. After all, she is trying to hook me up with a girl named Monica. So, I guess we'll see. Corey wrote too. He didn't say much, still hasn't gotten an answer. I told him of my plan to not return to Dallas. If anything, I would go to where he will be living in Florida. Depends on how things go in Weslaco. At work there have been some changes for the better. Things are looking up. We actually work harder now, but it's worth it. I've never had a problem working for someone who will look out for his workers, and I believe we are in that type of situation now.