The journal of Miguel RojasTable of Contents:
7 January 200710:35 AM Well I am kinda late on starting this journal, but I did want to be part of this project. I had just been putting it off due to some other unfortunate occurrences. Mainly being that on Xmas evening (25th) at around 8:40PM, they came and pulled me out of my cell to go through all my shit. Reason, they found some female officer with a letter that was supposed to be meant for me. So after they tore up my cell and questioned me, they brought me back to my cell, other than that nothing happen to me, they didn't find no evidence on my part that I had anything to do with said officer. But then to, that is just what I assume, who know how these peoples minds work. Later that evening I did find out that they did escort an officer off the unit...gave her an ultimatum, she either resign or go under investigation, so she resigned. I was having a hard time with this bcuz from the get go I was having a hard time with my conscience, reason being, if you care for some one, then you are not going to put that person in a position to get fired or go to jail. So since that night they walked her off the unit, I have not even turned on the radio bcuz I know that every song I hear is going to remind me of her. Well, I had not until like two days ago, reason is cuz I was making progress in putting some kind of closure to this issue. You see all that night I was worried about her, how was she, or her drive home, in the morning, all day, how was she, what was she going to do. And I can't or couldn't write her to find out bcuz I figured these people would stop my letters. So since then I have been trying to get some kind of contact to her and from her...little by little I have been making progress. But the way things look me and her are historyyyyyy!!! Thing is, in every way that I have been trying to reach her I have been making progress. But the way things look my sister or daughter, my best advice to them would be to put this behind them and move on with their lives. But I also told her that everything I ever wrote/said to her was the truth and was for real, I was always straight up with her. So it is up to her, she has my moms phone # and address and according to my momy she has not made contact, so even though that is not what I wanted to hear, it is closure, which is all I can ask for. Anyways, there is a lot more to this but in brief, that is why up until now I had just been here in my cell moping. But I am up and about now, I done the Mesoamerican packet and am sending it out in the morning. I also had a visit from my mom and daughter yesterday morning so that helped get my spirits up, the only thing about that, my daughter graduates from UTEP in 2008, majoring in biology cuz she wants to be a Doctor, but she doesn't think she is going to be able to afford medical school so as a last resort she is thinking about going into the Airforce, and well that is worrisome...so between now and then lets see if I can come up with something. I also started working on my case again, that was what I bought this typewriter, and starved for xmas. I got to get of this place, doing 30 years for something you didn't do just isn't right no matter what other wrongs I have done and people see this as justifying my other wrongs...go figure their way of thinking, especially when it's your family. This has been the worst holiday season for me that I can remember, and that is not even me crying about cowboys three straight losses and how they lost last night...Tony Romo couldn't place the ball down for a simple game winning field goal...I think this is the worse cowboy loss ever. BUT I am already over it, that is just the way things go sometimes. C'est la vie, mon ami! I guess I'll be signing off for now, but just incase for future reference...my name is MANUEL ROJAS JR aka EL PASO aka ROJAS aka "R" aka or as my baby knew me ALWAYS!!!.......Peace I am out.. Oh yea...Hook 'em horns!! "BLURRY".....Puddle of Mud 8 January 20074:55 AM Well been up for a while, awoke around 12am and got me a 2 hours workout, then had breakfast, my favorite pancakes!! Even tried to come up on an extra tray, but she wasn't trying to hear it, oh well, better luck next time. After chow, I kicked it with AG for a few, he starting trying to lift my spirits about baby, but I told him I was doing fine, until he brought the subject up, but I will be okay. Got to, I have no choice, who cares anyways right? Then we started talking about the Cowboy loss, now that was messed up...but I am over that too...see what we do next year??!! Going to the Superbowl!!! After that, I wrote some kites to my boys G....Slymer...and Circle K...Just checking in with them and letting them know I am alright, cuz they was all worried, or at least telling me not to be down that everything was gonna be alrgith....shit, it's gotta be, what other choice do we have??!!! And now I am checking in on this journal...I just barely got around to reading the prison express newsletter (summer 2006) read some good stuff and even seen a drawing by one of my homies J. Cadena.. I am trying to get into that theme writing project...I am gonna start trying to put something together for that "mind games" one, lets see what I can come up with. If anything, I have to get my mind moving cuz I have been here vegetating. I wanted to get into that poetry project to, but I read what Etheridge Knight wrote, 'You got to do a lot of relating if your going to do that right. You've got to listen. You've got to hear their story.' And well that kinda set me off the path, cuz I really am very anti-social around this place. I don't want to hear nobody's problems or adventures that they were having out there or in here. I mean half the time they making stuff up, and that is shit I can do without. Spoon Jackson did hit on something though, "Later the State decided to do away with the Arts-in-Correction budget even though research conducted by the Dept. of Corrections indicated that prisoners involved in the on going arts program showed a 70-80% reduction in violent crime and disruptive behavior while in prison and are 60% less likely to return to prison once release." Which is why they are just into punishment, they being any corrections facility/system, bcuz if you rehabilitate them, what will happen to all the space in these empty prisons and just think of how many of these officers you will put out of a job, and so on. Maybe things would change if any of the victims of any crime would turn around and sue the parole board that let said offender out without at least trying to rehabilitate him/her...Especially them ones they locked up in ad-seg units, who they don't even care if you have your GED, when they let them out. They want you to get out and go fucked up again...So I give THANKS to GARY and all of you who help him do what he's got to do for everything single one of us THANKS TO YOU ALL!!!! A'wight then I am gonna go ahead and get to some other letters I got to write and then I am going to try to finish this math project I got going on, I got stuck at fractions and just put it to the side, now I am going to go ahead and finish it so that I can turn it in...hollar at ya..R "WONDER WAIL"...OASIS "WHAT HURTS THE MOST"...RASCAL FLATS 9 January 20076:59 AM "TORN"...NATALIE IMBRUGLIA Been up since about 2am, spent it writing to Sarah, just finished...listened to the Ohio St./Florida game last night, I had +7 Flo. For a 2 piece, did a'wight and then some...was listening to NPR this morning, while writing Sarah, some classical music and the news...head Mozart's piano concerto No. 21.....I found that if I listen to music with no lyrics, I think less of KIM, well, at least I think I do, ; ].....YEAH yeah, I know get over it, but if it was that easy and meaningless, believe me I would of already been pass it and on down the road. I really got no problem with thinking about her though, as long as I keep moving along, bcuz she is the one that lit this fire up under my ass, to go me moving on this case of mine. I just wish I was smarter to be able to be able to do this Habeas Corpus on my own, I've already wasted 7 years and all bcuz who knows if I'll be able to later, I am gonna finish up that math, didn't get around to it yesterday like I had planned to. But at least I got all my letter writing done. Holla..R 9 January 2007"UNWELL"...MATCH BOX 20 Just came in from outside rec. and washed my clothes, been listening to the radio and thinking about that I learned while I was out there talking to my homie "8a", and yea we were talking about Kim, but I was talking with him and as usual he is very closed mouth about his bizness, but bcuz I have learned of this, I also know how to read what is not said, become pretty good at it and going with my instincts on reading people and knowing if there just fishing, posing and what have you. One thing I did really trip out on, is that every one was telling me how I looked like shit, but the thing is, they are assuming that your not being here is having that effect on me. So they really believe you and me had something really serious going on or that you had me wrapped around your little finger and I didn't know it, or whatever. But they couldn't be more wrong or farther from the truth bcuz, yea that first week I was down and out. I didn't spend it in my bunk like some sick dog, I got up and put the appearance like if nothing was wrong, but yea I was very sick, after that first week though, I have been getting my act together, catching up with my CRESP projects, catching up on my letter writing and I have been working out everyday. Two hours everyday, going hard and not quitting until my body can't do no more pushups or pull-ups. And I am feeling good, so fuck what they say about me not looking good and what they assume, they can only see the outside so how the heck do they know what is going on inside, only I can read people like that....; )......so yea Kim, I am still thinking about you but I am going to have to cut you loose even though I don't want to, sometimes it just be like that. It's not that I am not going to think about you, I just am not going to write about you in this journal for a few. I'll revisit this when I got you out of my system a little more, cuz right now it's still too fresh, just been 2 weeks. I miss you like crazy though and I finished reading that book (Memoirs of a GEISHA she underlined parts in it and said they were underlined and meant for me, then said that she was Sayuri and that I was the chairman). So now I am breaking down the parts you underlined and I underlined, lets see what comes of it. If you meant everything you wrote me, said to me, and underlined in this book, then why haven't you got at me one time, not even one time, and you were always worried about me running mind games on you, damn, the way things have been looking or hustle is a hustler. Just might be what happen, but other than the headaches you put me through, I think we pretty much broke even, then too, I can say I came out ahead, cuz I never lied to you, was always straight up with you and a mo' fo' can't get more real that that. Well I am feeling much more better now, so I will go ahead and close for now, gonna get up of this drum and bang on the pillow, got to get up and get my paper(workout) then finish my math project and finish that handkerchief I was drawing for you, I just might finish it and send it off to CRESP, maybe they can sell it and get something out of it for them, WE'LL see....ALWAYS!!! "THE DANCE"....GARTH BROOKS "ENJOY THE SILENCE"....DEPECHE MODE "LET LOVE IN".....GOO GOO DOLLS 7:15 AM 30 SECONDS TO MARS.... "THE KILL" Well I just finished with my math project and reading the 2nd chapter of The Star Rover, been up since about 2am, read the newspaper, had breakfast, and an hour of workout, then I finished up my math...But all the time, I have had you on my mind. It's up a trip the way things happen. Yea I know, but bear with me and you'll see why I am back on this subject., which I said I was not going to get back on. I had been awaiting some kind of message or something from Kim, just so that I could have some kind of closure, well last night I got my closure. First let me give you a little background, a while back, they moved a homie in front of me, Lench, who goes home in 7 days (Sept 17), but when he got here 2/3 months ago back, we had talked about Kim, reasons is bcuz he had said he had something going on with her. And when I saw Kim, I told her that if her and Lench hooked up when he got out, I had not problem with that. Well, last night old school was working and as soon as he got here he started asking for a smiley, but we don't have no smiley on this wing, then he said well some one that lives up here in front and is fixing to go home soon. Well that is Lench, and he spoke up, told old school that he fixing to go home next week. Well old school then told him that he had a message for him from Kim, that she would be waiting for him at the bus station. Talk about lifting ones spirits and burying another's. I guess that is my sign, cuz that was all she had to say. I talked to old school later on, and there was no message for me, but then too, with what she relayed to Lench, that good enough. At least Lench will have a good coming out party, and then some, so I am kinda fucked up about it right now. I am not gonna hate on nobody though, but I know I am fixing to go through some kind of hell on the nights of the 17/18th and then on knowing Lench out there getting him some from Kim. (Be back, pulling us out for recreation) "ITS OVER"....EVAN'S BLUE "MISERABLE"....LITM 10:35 AM Just got back from rec. and had lunch, where was I before I went to rec. HMMMM...Yeah, well I am just going to have to deal with it and that's that. No matter how much I know it is gonna fuck with me...damn, how's that for mind games? I just had me a heck of a mind **CK!!! THANKS A LOT KIM!!! And I guess I also have to give myself some thanks, for getting myself into this situation and letting my emotions get involved more than they should of, or more than I should of let them get involved. I think that the whole unit will know about KIM waiting for Lench by tomorrow evening, and number one thing on everybodies mind at first is gonna be, 'EL PASO, OOOOUUUUTTTTAAAA TTTTHHHHEEEERRRREEE!!!!!' Which brings to mind that song by the GOO GOO DOLLS.... 'GONE'....I am trying to think what I am going to do to keep my mind off this, cuz I know this whole week, as long as Lench there/here that's all they gonna be talking about. I can't believe she doing this on purpose. Better believe it old man, talk about stabbing you in the heart and twisting that knife something serious. Yeah, well, as that old saying goes, "C'EST LA VIE, MON AMI'.....one thing I did do, that book is at the back of my locker or as far back as it could go when I threw it in there. I had had it by my bunk ever since Kim gave it to me, but not anymore, I just can't bring myself to throw it out my door yet, YET!!! Alright then I guess that is gonna be enough of the feeling sorry for myself or what have ya, flip the page and go on with the story....easier said then done. I guess there is no such thing as, 'SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL'....so I'll hollar at ya'll later, I'm gonna jump into the shower. 'RAMBLE ON'....LED ZEPPELIN "PAIN"....3 DAYS GRACE3:30 AM Look who's back, yes he's back...well I was trying to get some sleep after I showered, but I couldn't stop thinking about Kim and everything and the way shit was working out and I was trying to look at it from different points of view, so much so that I got up and decided to bang on the drum for a few. But then Lench called me and we were at the door talking about Kim, and he keeps saying what if and I am like look man there is no if or maybe about it, if she is gonna be there, then you know what time it is, she gonna put you in it, no doubt about it, why else would she send you that message? All you got to do is take care of your bizness and get up in there!!! Don't worry about missing your bus or nothing, shit you will probably fall in love with her after you hit it, cuz it will be your first piece in five years. So we were talking about what to do, and how to do it and shit like that for about an hour, after dinner I was thinking to myself, I should be happy for them, and hope them the best. Lench says he gonna send me a detailed account, I told him I wanted pictures too...; ] We will see, we had already talked about it several times a while back, about him getting out and send me a detailed account of him and her getting their freak on, so that is what got me to thinking....**CK IT!! She is what she is and we all know it, even her co-workers, a tiger don't change his stripes, so if she happy like that, then so be it! Anyways, real reason for me banging the drum, cuz I figure before I make any friends, zealous followers, sympathetic voters etc. etc. I was gonna start telling you about myself, first I will start with the basics, then I will get into the meatier side of things. I don't know if this will get posted on a website or if anyone will read it, even though I at least am writing and doing something positive, and then some. My full name is MIGUEL ROJAS JR. I am an American, of Mexican, Puerto Rican, German heritage. Born June 29, 1969....Makes me about 37 right now and about as true blue a Cancer as you'll ever come across, and if your into the Chinese side of astrology I was born the year of the Rooster. I am about 5'8/5'9, weigh around 175/185, it varies all depending on how our/my food sources are, right now I am around 175 so you know I have been going through hard times cuz I am always working out so if I don't eat then I am at a low weight. Anyways, black hair and some dreamy brown eyes, and a melt your knees smile. ; > Can you tell?? While I was growing up I was a LA Dogers, Duke Blue Devils fan and UIEP MINERS. I follow all sports, but now I am more of a Texas fan, meaning I root for any team out of Texas, even though it state I have my favorites COWBOYS, LONGHORNS, RANGERS, STARS, and so on....music wise, I mostly listen to ROCK & ROLL, start with Zeppelin, AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Guns and Roses, Metallica, Queen's Reich, Tool, Sound Garden, Nirvana, Heart, Rush, Ozzy, Rob Zombie, Dokken, Slayer, Pantera, Black Falg....new wave, industrial intense music... Then I go to oldie, some rap, country and so on...as far as movies go, PULP FICTION is my favorite, all Star Wars, Jaws, Smokey and the Bandit, Breakfast Club, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Usual Suspects, the Professionals, Matrix, The Great Escape, Midway, As Good As it Gets, Halloween and so on, basically, I'll watch anything. TV wise, South Park, Howard Stern, Seinfeld, Survivor, X-Files, Mash, ESPN, Cheers, Jeopardy. Reading material, I mostly stick with fantasy...Lord of the Rings, Wheel of Time, Sword of Truth, Dune, and I will highly recommend, if I may... "Enders Game" by Orson Card Scott...a GREAT BOOK!!!! I did enjoy 'The Prince of Tides". Today was a slow day in the hood, we had two okay laws working the wing, they a'wight, don't go robo cop, just as long as you stay out their way they will stay out of yours. The only action going on was old man on 2row cell warrioring with ag and lil e, other than that it was pretty quiet day so far. Then too, I have had my mind on other matters, damn I think this ribbon is running out I might have to jump to good ol' carbon paper..... A'wight then I'll catch ya'll later or on the flip side cuz I am fixing to get my chill on... BE COOL!!! ALWAYS!! R. "FADE TO BLACK"....MASTER OF PUPPETS "HARVESTER OF SORROW".....MIGHT MIGHTY METALLICA!!!!!!!!!!! 11 January 200712:26PM "ALL OF ME".....EVANESCENCE...... ?Hey, just here waiting for them to bring commissary, I made a whish list, just in case I have some money down there, at my visit this weekend with my mom, she said she was gonna send me some ends, so hopefully it arrived on time. If not I'll be outta there until next store (2 weeks from now). Anyways, I have been going over in my mind this situation with Kim, yea I know what I said but if you don't like it change the channel...anyways it's not like if I haven't been trying to think of something else cuz I have. So I am down to 3 reasons as to why she doing what she doing, 1. Bcuz she really did want to hurt me. 2. All along she was the one playing me... or #3. Bcuz it is what I told her to do, that I would not mind if she hooked up with Lench when he got out....What I want to know is what happen when they caught her with the kite, did they tell her something for her to be made at me, what happen for her all of a sudden to turn on me. Has not tried to contact me in no way, and then the one message she sends, is not for me but for Lench, telling him she will be waiting for him at the bus stop when he gets out next week, I mean what the hell?! Women, y'all something else, fo' real!!! Commissary just got here they starting on the odd side, wish me luck....I am outta there. I already see my empty bag at the end, oh well, I wanted this type writer. Got to sacrifice some things for others. So while I am trying to figure out what happen with Kim and I, I am going to go ahead and continue with a little more about my self, HA, I am so full of me.....; )....Where do I begin, give me a few bcuz I am contemplating where to start... 4:21PM Hey, got a little side tracked there for a moment, was running line with Cole, went to pick up an empty chip bag cuz AG gonna hook me up with a bag of coffee, some soups, and some chips. Cole also sent me a book to read, one of those western adult novels, YUP it's fixing to go down in someones OK coral, PADNER! Anyways, while I was running line, I had to borrow Lench's line cuz I still ain't got one, waiting on Kelly to make me one. So me and Lench got to talking and I asked him what he thought of the whole situation, and he told me, that he had told me from the beginning that Kim was a freak. Cuz when he was over on J wing that is all they used to do, was talk freaky and get there freak on, but over here she would play the role of an angel. I told lench I already knew that and always kept it in mind, but what I was talking about was, what was she doing now. And I told him about my 3 ways/notions of what was going on. Lench said he can't call it, that all he knows is that KIM is a freak. So I sent him my journal to read, and he liked it, said it was right on the nose, and I asked him to think about it and see if we can figure out what kind of games KIM is playing. HMMMM so we will see what we come up with later on... What I am wondering is if I am too truthful with this journal, can I be prosecuted for these words on paper, that is how true I want to be to this. What you think or would advise GARY???? In the mean time I will start off with my first trip to Prison, something I have already been prosecuted for, no double jeopardy, right? It was the summer, ooops can't start that far back cuz that was one heck of a summer, didn't get caught for nothing we did that summer, came close a couple of times, though. So I will start at the end of that summer, August '87, I was in the back of Buster's car, Buster was driving back to our hood in the northeast EL Paso. My future brother-in-law Bete was riding shotgun, we were on our way back, it was about 2/3am, we had just had a close call of getting caught at what we used to do. Anyways it had been the first close call we had had, and it had really been close and we had really been very lucky, like a matter of seconds lucky. But the trunk of the car was full, and the back seat and part of the front were full, it had been a good haul. So on the ride back to the northeast we were talking about the close call, then we all got quiet and I was thinking to myself, that I was fixing to get married the following month, my future wife was pregnant, and we already had out little girl so what the heck was I doing taking all these chances?? So on that ride home I decided to go ahead and retire from what we did. They dropped me off at home and told me they would be by for me the next day so we could go sell our goods and split our ends. I told them not to worry about picking me up, that they would go ahead and keep it, I was retiring. They only asked me one time, you sure, I said yeah and that was it they were gone. I was working at L&M radiators, we assembled radiators for locomotives and ocean oil rigs, I was saving up, bcuz me and Susie were fixing to get married on the 25th of September. We were married on a Friday at a J.P.'s, had a backyard party the following day at Susie's mom's house. Everything was going good until, my homeboy penguin asked me for a ride downtown to go score some dope. I took him to go score, but while at that motel, he kinda overdosed so I had to carry him back to the car, and when I finally got him in the car, a cop had been checking everything out, so he didn't even give me chance to start the car. Turned the cherry's on and pulled up right behind us, I give penguin a nudge and tell him and he tells me to give them some name that he says, that is not even this, one of his younger brothers names. I think the only thing that saved us from going to jail was the white tux I had on and me telling the cops I was just trying to get my homie home so that IC uold get back to my wedding party. When we do get back, some people are gone, but Susie was in her room crying, and everbody was upset with me, don't blame them, though. Susie's uncle Johnny made a video of that party, I have often asked about it, but nobody seems to know where it is at. Anyways, we spent the night there at Susie's nights house, but the following morning it was time to finishing packing, and moving cuz we already had an apartment waiting for us. Everything was already paid for and all utilities were on, it was really something, being on our own for the first time, and having our own place. Susie was 2 months pregnant and Crystal had just turn 1 yr. old. Around November, that same year they laid some of us off, so I remember I went the Army recruiters office and took the ASVAP, the recruiter told me all I needed to do was finish getting my DEG (I just needed to take 2 more tests) and I would be able to join. Problem was that when I told Susie she was totally against it, I mean she put up a fight about it. And all bcuz she said that as soon as I got away from her I would be unfaithful to her, I am serious, that was the only reason she didn't want me to go. So for the time being I ended up working at Dominoes Pizza, then in December, I can't remember why exactly I was dropping Susie off at work in her car since we had 2 cars. But we had argued about something, and on the drive we were kinda cold shouldering each other. When we get to her place of employment she gets off just like if nothing and I hollar at her, 'what no goodbye kiss or nothing'. So she comes back and gives me a kiss, but at the same time, as she is getting out of the car, she says something under her breath, and I understand her but I have no clue why she said what she said. So I pull out of the parking lot and into traffic, I am fixing to make a left had turn there is like 1 or 2 cars ahead of me and I remember I have my blinker on and I am looking at the traffic light waiting for it to turn green and at the same time thinking of what Susie said. So while in that daze, I see the light change and the cars in front of me going, but I am not really paying attention cuz I am still thinking of what Susie said. Next thing I know I am jolted to a stop, I can't see over the hood of the car cuz it is bent up. I get out to see what the heck happen, and see that me and a classic mustang crashed into each other, I go to the mustang cuz the drivers still in the car, so I go to make sure who ever is driving is okay. When I get to the car, I see it is a fellow classmate from high school and he is driving a borrowed car. Then I look to my left and at the corner is Susie looking at me with her hand over her mouth, no one was hurt and I got a ticket for causing an accident cuz I failed to yield the right way. Now that I recall, that was Dec. 30, '87. After work when I got home we did not argue but neither of us were in a good mood. New Years Eve I dropped Susie off at work, I was driving my Pontiac Brougham '79. She was working the swing shift (5pm to 1am), and I took off to my mother-in-laws, then I took off to our apartment. At about 8/9pm, my brother-in-laws show up with Ivan, we're drinking some brews and talking about what we gonna do tonight. Ivan says he knows where there is going to be a party at and his girl wants to buy 2 kegs to take to the party, so that is what we do. I take Crystal to my mother-in-laws so she can watch her and we all get into my car and go pick up Ivan's girl, then we go get the kegs and head on over to that party. It just so happens that the party is at some place like 7/8 blocks from Susies job. When we get there people already partying, we break out one keg, they already had 3 kegs and some jungle juice flowing. And as at all parties, before I know it, it's going to be midnight, so I take off to Susies work, but as soon as I get there I feel the negative vibes. And she jams me up where I been, I tell her at that party with her brothers and I am here to chill with her until 1am when she gets off, but she starts in on me, that is alright I can go back to my party she already called my mom to come pick her up and we start arguing. So I finally say hollar at ya, and go back to the party, at the party, me and my bro's are in the bathroom doing some blow, rolling some doobies, the door is open, people partying everywhere, when I start to get into the music and I ask my bro, "who that is playing", and he tells me to get off the B.S., that I should know who that is, since we had just gone to their concert....so I am trying to figure it out, when he finally tells me it is Metallica, and I saw get off the B.S.!!! So he takes me to where the sound system is going off and thru the clear deck I can see the tape and sure enough it is Metallica. And I really trip out cuz at the concert I did not like them, I wanted them to hurry up and get off the stage cuz they were opening for OZZY. Alright then, I am gonna call it a night for now I'll get with you all tomorrow....hasta la vista....R. 'CLOSE'.....NINE INCH NAILS "YOUTH GONE WILD"......SKID ROW 12 January 20076:22 AM "WHAT'S UP".....4 NON BLONDES... Been up for a few, had breakfast, read the...People, US Weekly, Stuff, and the USA Today, then I got a Kim update from one of these CO's that came around. Supposedly, said Co, talked to Kim, and when Co asked her about me, she did not want to talk about me/it at all. So then I told said Co, no sweat I already got my answer, and I proceeded to tell Co about that message that old school delivered to Lench, said Co tripped out, couldn't believe it, asked me how I was and I said I was upset at first but, just bcuz of the way message was delivered in front of everybody, messed me up, but I am alright now even though I am still thinking about it, wanted an answer for some closure, so now I just got to close it. And there in lies my trouble. Last night/evening me and Lench were kicking it for a few, I was telling him he should take her with him to San Antonio, but I think the only thing on his mind is to hit it and quit it. Then too, when people are paroled, there is just so much going on so many decisions to make for yourself all of a sudden. Wish him luck and I hope he makes it, I actually believe he will make it, IF....I said 'IF' he keeps his dealing with his affiliated brethren at a minimum. A'wight then, I am gonna get me a 2 hours work out going, see what I think of/come up with as I get my sweat on and wait for them to come pull us out for recreation. Be back in a few....R. "DON'T SPEAK".......NO DOUBT "SEEK AND DESTROY".....METALLICA 2:41 PM "EVERY ROSE HAS A THORN".....POISON "NOTHING LEFT TO LOOSE".....MATT CARNEY Hey, I am feeling good, maybe cuz I have been getting my jam on, came in after rec, ate, showered and washed my jacket and since then I have just been listening to music, and thinking, and I decided to just say good bye to that last chapter of my life. Yea, I know that is what I said several times already, but like the title of that song by Carney says, "nothing left to lose," then too I did stretch her out and got whatever I could from her. Hate to see it or even think about it like that cuz that is not what it even was about with her. Anyways, enough of that, I came up with this idea for the internet, I wonder if my daughter or one of my brothers can put it to use and make some money off it....hmmm. Been thinking about my son too, wondering if he is doing alright and how he is getting along up there in Wylie with my folks. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling that things are fixing to get better for me, I don't know what it is, I just feel good about my future. Then too, music does that to me, for example, on the Xmas when that went down with Kim, when I got back to my cell, I did not turn on my radio and kept it off all the following week. I just turned it on on Saturday to hear the Longhhorn game against Iowa, then turned it off and turned it back on to listen to Bro. george, a christian program from 9 to 11 and turned the radio back off after, and had not turned it on until someone asked me if I had heard that song by rascal flatts, so I turned it on to see if I could catch it and sure enough it was like the 3rd song so I turned the radio back off. But all this time I am telling people that I am going thru my American Pie phase, as in the lyrics in that song say 'that is the day the music died'. Well that is how I felt when all this happen with Kim, I felt like if the music had died for me. Then I had that visit with my mom and daughter, and as we all know moms always make things better, so I came back and little by little have been getting more into my music and well it's all good now. So much so that I am going to share some ideas I have had for a while but no one to share them with... Gary, you see how they (they being the prison systems) are real quick to say that we are here to be punished not rehabilitated, they say this when some one wants to put us to use to benefit society, as a reason not to. But when it comes to them, we are the ones doing everything for them. Why don't they do blood drives, I wouldn't mind donating blood, ain't nothing wrong with me, or how about for leukemia, bone marrow transplants, and stuff like that, to help out sick people. Then too you have that war going on in Iraq/Afghanistan, I would gladly go. I am talking about putting us to use for society and out country. Like the rehabilitation thing, I bet you if some of them victims turned around and sued the parole system that let their persecutors out, on the grounds for not rehabilitating or even attempting to rehabilitate said person before release I bet you they would be really quick to star rehabilitating us. Alright then I am going to give it a rest for now, I'll pick that story of my youth up in a few, reason I did not touch on it today is cuz I am not sure if that would be included in the purpose of this journal. A'wight then...peace...out!!! R. "BRING ME TO LIFE"....EVANESCENE "CHASING CARS".....SNOW PATROL 13 January 20076:14AM "IRIS"......GOO GOO DOLLS "THE PROMISE".....MEN IN ROME TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YAAAA!!!! Yeah, been up for a few, read the paper and getting my jam on. Been in a good mood, so far, let's see what the day brings. Was kind of upset....time out this ribbon is fixing to finish and before I start on my rant and have to stop " way thru, might as well change it right now.... Okay, I am back and ready to roll, as I was saying last evening I received some upsetting news. I had given someone a letter to mail out for me, now the reason I did this was not bcuz I approached that person, but bcuz that person asked me if I wanted to send Kim a kite, said person would help me mail it, so I got busy and wrote the letter and gave it to that offer. So like 2/3 days pass and I don't know why, but I get this feeling that the offerer might not mail the letter, I don't know whey either, I just get that feeling but then put it off. Anyways, like 3 days later I am talking to Cole and he starts to say something but then stops himself and I tell him he can't do that B.S. about starting to say something and then saying never mind. So he tells me, 'remember that day you gave that person that kite to mail for you', and I say yea, well Cole says that he does not think that she/he mailed it. That after I gave it to the offerer, that the offerer sat down and checked it out and then crumpled it up and set it to the seide. But Cole says he did not bring it to my attention at the time bcuz he did not snap to what it was until after wards. SO I tell him about the feeling I had ac couple of days ago, and then tell him, oh well, what can I do, then too I do get upset, bcuz why offer to do something and then not do it?! But at that time we don't know right, so yesterday evening the offere shows up, and starts telling ame about some bad times the offere had a couple of days ago, and I proceed to tell the offere about the message Kim sent to Lench, and then the offere tells me that he/she had not had an opportunity to mail the letter yet, and I gave it to she/he about 7 days ago. I don't say nothing though, I just nod and go back to what I was doing. The reason I did not say nothing is cause there was other people around so we really did not have an opportunity to talk. But as I went to bed I was thinkikng about it and it was getting me upset, especially since the offerer came around 2/3 more times that evening wanting to wake me up so we could talk or just to say hi. At breakfast I was thinking about it and yea I am going to confront the offerer about it, but my mind keeps telling me to try to put a play on, like for not doing what you said you were gonna do, there is a penalty either do this for me or don't come around my door no more, something like that. But then too, there is the part of me that just wants to give the offerer a dressing down and let it go at that, and then there is the part of me that don't want to tell the offerer nothing, cuz I like that whenever he/she is on the wing he/she automatically comes to my door just to see how I am doing and what up' or when she/he leaving always makes a point to say "by ROJAS". Then too, I am wondering what is the offerer up to??? SSSSSSSOOOOOOOO I am thinking of what to do, sometimes inaction is the best form of action, does that mane any sense???!!?? I don't figure out what I am gonna do, I have been here thinking about it the last 20/30 minutes, and what I came up with, is that I am not going to get involved in these situations no more. I am going to try to get into that GRAD program and get back into General Population, so that I can have better access to the law library and some type of schooling. Yea well it sounds good, now I just have to act on it. So where was I on my escapades, back in '87???? About 1:30 AM I take one of my bro's home cuz he is all messed up, get back to the party, and about " an hour later my other bro and Ivan and his gal want to take off. So I drop them off and Ivan tells me to just keep that other keg in the trunk and we will just pop it open the following evening, so I take off to my place. So when I get to my place, no one is there, so I figure Susie is staying at her mom's, but who is to say, she could of gone out partying still or whatever...I want some tube and then crash right there on the sofa, the next day around noon, I am awakened when Susie shows up in my bro's car to pick up some clothes for her and Crystal, I try to hollar at her, but it is no good cuz she is pissed and really is not trying to hear it, plus she has to get ready for work, she was going in at 1 or 2pm. My bro tells me he will be by in a few, so when they leave, I jump in the shower roll me a doobie and proceed to the store where I buy 3 bags of ice. When I get back to the apartment, I carry the keg to my bath tub and pour the ice over it, make me something to eat and turn on the games on TV, then pop that keg open and start drinking. It's about 2/3 p.m. January 1, 1988....after about half an hour I break out all the pitchers we have, about 7 of them, and fill them up and force them into the refrigerator. About 5/6 p.m. my 2 bro-in-laws show up with Ivan and they help themselves, too. So we are drinking and kicking it about last night and what we gonna do tonight, call out for some pizza, and just getting our chill on. Around 9p.m. 2 of our homeboys show up, Robert and Fabian to wish me a Happy New Year, they did not know the others were going to be there, so Fabian calls me to the kitchen and tells me he has something for me, that he is going to go to the restroom and for me to be ready as soon as he comes out to go in right after him, so I say a'wight. So when he comes out I go in and he has left me like 6 lines of some yay and a tube at the ready plus 4 grams on the side and like 30 pasadrines pills in a baggie. So I put the pills and the grams in my pocket, do 2 lines and come out the bathroom. When I come out the bathroom, I call my bro Beto and tell him to go do 2 and then call my bro Mikey, so he can do the other 2 lines. Tehn I go and tell Fabian thanks, go to my bedroom put the grams aaway, put 15 pills away and go back the living room and proceed to pass out the other 15 pills, those pasadrines are like Quualudes but a Mexian version. Close to 10 P.M. I take off to go pick up Susie up at work, but when ig et there, she tells me she going to work some overtime until like 1 A.M., and tells me not to worry about picking her up, that my mom is going to pick her up, and yea I get pissed off and we argue, and I jam back to her apartment. When I get to her apartment , Fabian asks me for a pay phone and I tell him to just use ours but he tells me that he can't use our phone for what he has in mind. So I tell him how to get to the pay phone outside our complex, and on his way out he tells me to show him where, well my bro Mikey starts tripping and gets in my way from going outside with Fabian and I tell him to get out the way and I mean this fool ain't trying to let me go outside, holding on to my belt and shit to where I actually drag him out the door and when I try to get him up off me outside, we start fighting and that is when my other bro Beto and Robert jump in to separate us. Mikey is pissed cuz Fabian is showing me all this love and not him, I don't know his reasoning for this, other than he is older than us, and we did all grow up together, so I guess Mikey figures Fabian should be spreading the love evenly amongst us instead of just to me or I don't know. Anyways I tell Mikey it's my place if he don't like it to get the fuck out, so he tells Ivan to help him get the keg so they can leave, I go fill up some pitchers, and when they take off, its just Robert, Fabian and me, we make some plans for tomorrow and they take off. Being that it is close to midnight, I start picking up and getting ready to go pick up Susie, yea I know what she said, but I can be persistent like that sometimes. It had been snowing, so I was wearing my biker boots, 501's, black Harley Davidson tee, dark blue flannel, and I had a dark blue poncho thrown over me too. I grab one of the pitchers and take off for Susie, when I get there I pull in across the street at the Clock Restaurant, and just chill. From there I can see Susie at work, she was a cashier at the Vickers gas station, so I'm sitting there chillin' jamming out drinking and smoking. When my mom shows up in the red/white good times van, scoops Susie up and I proceed to race them to my mother-in-laws, to see if Susie is going to stay at her mom's or go to our place, and I will find this out, by watching which way my mom turns after she gets to Susie's moms place. If she turns up she is going to our place, but if she turns down then she is going back home without Susie....So I haul ass and get to my mother-in-laws, but I go thru the top and park waiting for my mom to show up. In that place of our hood there was hardly no lighting, plus that top road was a dirt road. So at the top of the block I see my moms headlights arrive and after about 10 minutes, she drives up turns left and at the stop sign this is where she will make her choice, and sure enough she puts the blinker on to turn up, so I have been there with my lights off, engine idling and when I see this I take off in reverse, get to the next street and race them to our place. It is just like 4 blocks up, 5 blocks down, I park in the front of our apartments and my moms pulls in to the back part, where we usually parked. As I go in thru the front door I hear my mom pulling into the back space. I go to the back door open it and proceed to go down to the van, cuz I don't know if my mom is going to get off or just drop Susie and Crystal off. But as I am going down the stairs they are both getting out and bundling Crystal up to carry her upstairs. I pick Crystal up, and my mom starts telling me that we should just go stay with them for the night. Reason she was saying this was bcuz the heating system in our complex had gone off and the Managers had provided everyone with those little space heaters until they could get the regular heating fixed. That also had to do in Susie's reasoning in staying at her moms the night before, and yeah generally we would of gone to my moms, but since we were mad at each other, that is why we both told my mom no, bcuz we would be forced to be nice to each other at my moms or make up and at the time we were just not trying to make up.
So my mom takes off, and it being close to 2A.M. in the morning Susie proceeds to get Crystal undressed to give her a bath, and I am like are you fucking CRAZY!!! And this just adds to the fire, so we start going at it, so while she is bathing Crystal I tell her about me and her brother Mikey getting into a fight earlier, and I tell her I am going to the store to buy some cigarettes, and we start going at it again cuz she does not want me to go, and finally she tells me to get the hell out then, so I take off. I grab a pitcher and take off, Alright then, if you are not asleep yet, then hang on cuz we are fixing to enter... my downward spiral, instead of going to the store I go to the Missle Inn, to se if there is a party going on. The Missile Inn is shaped like a horse shoe, it has the pool , lounge, managers office in the middle and around it, it has the rooms upstairs and downstairs levels, reason I am going there is cuz we had some homies that worked there and usually rented a room at the bottom part of the horse shoe, so as I drive in, I notice that at one of the top rooms there is a pizza pros delivery person delivering a pizza. When I get to the back of the horse shoe, it is dark and no one is around, so as I am driving out, instead of driving out I park at the other side of the offices and get out my car. I have my Bowie Knife in its sheath strapped to the outside of my leg, and I go to the lounge to see if any partying is going on, but it is dead, as I am walking out I look to my left and see that the pizza pro's delivery dude is still on the second level about to leave so right then and there I decide to jack the fool. Don't ask my why or what have you, cuz I assure did not need the money since I had just got paid the day before new years eve, so I walked up the steps and met him as he was coming down at the half way point. I had already pulled out my Bowie Knife, so when he sees me he's like what the hell, and I am like yea, give me your money bag, he gives it to me, then I tell him to give me his wallet and the watch he is wearing. When he does this, I tell him to go jump down from where we are onto some generator that is right under us and I tell him to then climb over the razor wire fence that is right next to the generator before I count to ten or I am going to cut him. As I start counting....1, he hesitates at first, but when I move towards him....2, he jumps on the generator, down to the ground (at this point he could of ran under me to the offices).....3, and starts to climb the fence. When he gets to the razor part, I come down the rest of the way from the stairs...and he hesitates again...4....and I walk towards the fence, so he starts to navigate the razor wire so as not to cut himself....5....once I see him entangled enough to where he won't be able to jump down right away, I take off at a run towards the back of the horse shoe around the offices to my car. When I pull out and get to the entrance/exit I see that he is barely getting down, but on the other side of the fence. So I make a right turn and pull into Dyer St. Excuse me there, I had to stop for lunch. 10:47 AM As I turned down Dyer St. I drove about of a mile down the road and pulled into a Circle K parking lot, I parked on the side though, near where they have the ice machine, got out of my car and took off the sheath, got back into my car and went thru what I had take off the P.P. delivery dude, I put the bills into my wallet, all the change in my pockets and put his watch on next to mine. My plan was to go inside and buy some cigarettes, so when I go inside, I go to the counter and ask the store clerk for some Winston hard pack, when he places the pack on the counter, I ask him if I can see some of those magazines behind the counter and he tells me to go ahead, so I go to the opening and proceed to check the mags out, I get 2 or 3, and when I get back to the front of the counter he rings up my total and I tell him to give me a few minutes cuz I don't have enough money on me, so to let me go to my car and get some money. I run outside to my car and get my bowie knife and put it in the waist at my back. When I go back in, I ask him if I can get a couple for magazines and he says yeah, so while I am getting one of each he opens the cash register while I am kneeling right there next to him, so I pull my knife out and stand up and tell him to give me the money. He starts to cuss me out, but holds his breath and gives me the money, I take the magazines and walk out the door then take off at a run to my left, I run past the ice machine hop over the hood of my car and run around the back of the store to the other side, I don't know why, so when I get there I look around the corner and see the clerk standing there with the door open looking to his left, while I am standing behind him looking to see what to do. When he goes back inside, I run back around to get into my car and take off. As I am driving, I am thinking about what to do now, I come up with 2 choices, one is to head over to the eastside to a homie's place and get a tattoo, or go to Whataburger and get something to eat for Susue, Crystal and me....HMMM thinking, and right when I decide to go to Whataburger, about a mile down from Circle K, I pass a 7 eleven and decide to rob it. So I make a u-turn....Say I am going to go ahead and chill for now, cuz I have been going on with my past just a little too much for today, then too I might be back in a few. I like this though, gives me something positive to do and keep my mind out of the gutter. So I'll holar at Y'all in a few, hope fully they'll pull us out for rec. too....until next I'll get back into my gutter world....HHHHOOOOLLLLLAAAAARRRR!!!! R. "WHEN I'M GONE"......3 DOORS DOWN "ROAD TO NOWHERE"....OZZY OSBOURNE 14 January 200711:15 A.M. "EASY"....LIONEL RICHIE "BLACK DAYS"....SOUND GARDEN Morning!!! Already had lunch, they hooked me up with 2 chicken patties, was alright. Been awake since about 8:30 a.m., did not go to rec., fell asleep last night while listening to the Philly/New Orleans game, but I had changed it to the Christian program with Bro. George, heard the first hour, fell asleep during the second hour when families call in. Right now I am getting ready to listen to the Seattle/Chicago game on Fox, took + 10 " and Seattle I don't think that help is gonna be any good, but that's why you gotta play the games, so we will see...I also took San Diego straight up against New England, scary...I have been feeling good, going to wait about an hour and a half for my food to settle, then get me a work out while listening to the games. Been listening the pre game shown on Espn, I usually don't listen them bcuz sometimes it is too much information, I wonder if my sister will help me with this project....since I woke up my mind has been here and there thinking of different things, I will be back later to see if I finally keyed in on something interesting, probably not, then too, touch on my downward spiral...catch you in a few....R. 15 Januray 20073:40 A.M. "UNFORGIVEN"....METALLICA "GOOD BYE TO ROMANCE".....OZZY OSBOURNE Hey, had breakfast and finished washing up, had me a good nights sleep, listened to both those games yesterday, ended up breaking even, that New England/San Diego game turned out to be pretty good, and you know once San Diego could not put some distance between themselves and New England they were gonna lose cuz you can't let Tom Brady hand around, you give him a chance and he will get you.... I am looking forward to next weeks match up of New England at Indianapolis, that is gonna be a good game and I am gonna take Indy, this time they have to win against New England, if they don't, that is just gonna be ridiculous, fo' real. Anyways that is what I have been thinking about, well kinda, cuz I have also been thinking about Kim....HMMM...no matter how much I try to keep her out of my mind, she is there even though I try to act or try to act like if everything is alright it is not. But to heck with it, I will bear my own cross, and I guess in due time these wounds will heal. That is what I get for letting my guard down, and trying to be straight up with someone. I have been thinking, and kind of sad cuz I am actually trying to fool myself into thinking that I am seeing things wrong/misinterpreting things wrong, that she might still write or get in contact. The thing is that right now I am at the point that even though if she did reach out, I am not gonna have nothing to do with her, nothing at all, and that is messed up, cuz I know that will really make me sad....Ha Ha talk about getting in touch with your inner self, sucks. Cuz to me in this place that is looked as a weakness, then too, as long as you are comfortable with who you are and believe in who you are you/I will be alright. Since today is a holiday, (MLK) wonder if they are going to run recreation? Even though I will get on the list to go outside and freeze my nuts off. Listening to a band out of Japan called Asbestos, playing a track on the dead time show on kpft, its alright this station plays hours of black/death metal every Monday morning, from like 3am to 5/6am...it's something different to hear. As you can see my mind is still kinda scatter brained, I am thinking the closer it gets to Lench's release is why, naw, but it's here in a little more than 48 hours and he will be out there on the streets, let's see what happens.I think that out of his whole 5 years down, we have been neighbors for all of it except for 1 year, lets see if he learned anything and if he keeps in contact like he said. I really don't think he will, but you always leave a little hope right there just in case. I will catch up to you in a few, gonna drink me a couple cups of coffee and then come back back to finish hanging out my downward spiral. Don't go away, we'll be back real soon... They have been playing songs from these bands...Caustic Christ, No Security, Faded Silence, Sterile, Dog Soldier, Adversity, and are fixing to play this 7inch LP, from a band out of Connecticut called CRIPPLED YOUTH, LP is called "Join the Fight," so far it has started out good, get back at ya in a few...... Where were we...as I make the uturn, I turn left up on Alps street, the 7/11 is at the corner, and behind it are some old folks apartments, so I pull into the apartments and park at the first empty parking space. I turn off the engine and try to get myself situated, have to remember though, I have been drinking since 2 in the afternoon, been smoking reefer, snorting coke, and took 3 of them pills....so as for thinking straight....who's to say, I know what when they arrest you they do not take none of that into consideration. So from what I recall, I put the knife and sheath in my back belt loop, leave the car keys on the floor of the car on the drivers side and walk towards the 7/11, when I get to the store there were some costumers at the gas pumps so I go to the video machines and start playing waiting for these costumers to leave. As soon as they leave I walk behind the counter pull out the knife and tell the clerk to give me the money in the register, she opens it and gives me the money, as I am going to leave, I don't know why, but my eyes key in on those money tubes under the cash register where they can push one and money will pop out the tube, the biggest amount they got is for like 25 dollars, so I tell her to push the $25 one and she does but she also tells me that it will take a couple of minutes and by then I could be gone I tell her it's alright I will wait, so we wait for it to pop out and when it does I start leaving as I got to the door, I think about cigarettes, so I go back around the counter, the clerk is still on the ground she sees me and asks what now and I tell her to just stay down I am going to get some cigarettes, I get like 3 or 4 cartons and as I am getting up to leave, I see a cop car speeding down the street, when I see it I duck down and in that moment I don't know how long it took but when I start to get up again to head out, a cop car is pulling into the parking lot where the gas pumps are at. So instead of running out the back for some reason I think that if I can use the clerk as a hostage to make it out the front door I can get away, like I say I don't know, all I do know is that I am in the running for the words dumbest criminal award....so I grab the clerk and we walk to the front of the store to the doors. When we get to the doors one cop (Officer Bruce) has walked into the store and the 3 of us are standing in front of the doors, the cope is in front of me with his gun pointing at me. I have the clerk in front of me with my knife at her throat and the doors are to the left of me like 3 or 4 feet away. So I tell the cop that I am walking out, if he tries to stop me I will kill her, and he tells me that I am not going no where, at that time I look out side and I see another cop with his weapon drawn leaning across that cop car that pulled in at the gas pumps, and I see another cop car pulling in, I look towards Officer Bruce and for some reason or other I focus on the gun barrel, somehow I can see into the barrel and actually see the bullet, I mean I actually see the tip of the bullet, and when I do that is when I decide that I am outta there so I tell him alright I give up what do you want me to do, he tells me to drop the weapon on the floor and let the clerk go, I drop the knife and let the clerk go, the cop tells me to get on the floor and spread my arms and legs, which I do. He waits for another cop to come in, they frisk me, cuff me and put me in the back of a cop car. While I am there in the car, about 5/10 minutes pass and I see an ambulance pull into the parking lot next thing I know I see officer bruce sitting there getting bandaged. I really don't pay it no mind, then another cop car pulls up and some cops come and get me out of the car and stand me up in front of that other cop car, then someone gets out of that other cop car and they ask him if I am the one, that other person looks at me and he tells them no that I am not the one and he proceeds to give them a different description of whoever he is looking for. But as they put me in the cop car I snap that that was the Pizza Pro's delivery dude and as for why he did not recognize me who is to say or know cuz I sure as heck had not changed my clothes or anything about my appearance since I robbed him 30 minutes earlier. From there they take me to the northeast substation and proceed to start the paper work, I lose track of time or what is going on cuz I fall asleep, from there it is just a blur answering questions, the drive to the county jail and booking. I was booked under 3 aggravated robberies and 1 count attempted capital murder of an officer...I spent from January until August in the county jail, that was some adventure too, talk about entering a battle zone. As for my time in the county jail, well, other than being locked up, I had a good time maybe too much of a good time or pleasant stay. Anyways as for making bond, they could of took me out of bond but decided not to, when I go to get an attorney appointed to me, I ask for one instead. I ask for an attorney that my mom knows by the name of David Brianes, I do not know that he has no Criminal law experience, then too my mom had talked to him about representing me and he wanted too much money so my mom said to just go with whoever I got appointed to me and I ended up asking for him and got him anyways. Well, I am going to get ready for rec. The high today is supposed to be 40 degrees, which it is at right now...A'wight then... 16 January 20075:31 A.M. "YELLOW LEDBETTER"...PEARL JAM "RAMBLE ON"....LED ZEPPELIN Well, Lench is on the chain, they came and told him last night, took his property and now is just waiting for them to come pick him up. We kicked it some last night and this morning after breakfast, wish him well, tried to tell him what to look out for, but as usual, he would just listen and then say, 'I know', 'I know.' Hopefully he does know, when they pick him up today, he will stay over night at the Walls unit, then be released sometime on Wednesday (17th) around 9 A.M. This part of my journal, I am going to end here and send this off. The only person I let read this was Lench, then too, that was just the first couple of pages, had not wrote the rest when he read it. So I don't know if anyone else will find any interest in reading whatever I wrote, so let's see what kind of feedback I get, if any. Alright then, I will get at ya'll in a few, have to write a cover letter for Gary asking him some questions, Thanks for your time, attention. ALWAYS!!!!!!!! R. "FADE TO BLACK"......BY MIGHTY MIGHTY METALLICA 17 January 20073:52 P.M. "FREE FOR ALL"......TED NUGENT "BLACK AND BLUE".....KENNY WAYNE SHEPPARD Lench left today, about an hour ago, he was supposed to of left yesterday, but bcuz of the weather they did not pick him up. And today the weather was worse, they had no choice but to release him today, bcuz it was the last day of his 5 year sentence. Within the next 15/20 minutes he should be hitting the streets, Kim should be there to pick him up and warm his ass up. Bcuz it is freezing out there right now, something like 20/30 degrees....brrrr! If Kim is not there, I gave Lench her address and phone number so he can hollar at her, that is if he did not have it already, then too, right now I am not to happy with Kim, bcuz last night I received word, this was upsetting, according to this source, Kim was saying that I was forcing her to write me and to come check in everyday, if she did not, I was going to snitch on her and that she also said that the reason she fell under investigation was bcuz I had mailed a letter to her direct, before any of this went down. So yea, this is upsetting, I am trying to figure out why she is lying now, I would rather be hurt with the truth, than hurt with a lie....I don't know what she is doing or why, but it is okay, even though I did get pissed off, it is okay, the good thing is that among the people (CONS) here they at least know there is no way I would snitch her out and if I was going to put any pressure on her to write/come see me everyday, believe me, the pressure I would of put on her would have been to bring me tobacco, and shit like that I could of made some money off of., and I sure as heck would of not been that dumb to try and mail her a letter direct. So whatever you got to do to make yourself feel better you go ahead and do it, nothing you say can effect my status here amongst these CONS, cuz they know what I will/won't do. I am not even made about it no more, if anything it only helps to LOVE you even less, and ever like that I still have LOVE for you, an ever lasting LOVE. Yesterday I went outside to recreation, was about 25 degrees, and the reason I went outside was bcuz me and the oldman were going to workout, so I figured I would be warm at least. But so few people went outside that they actually put more than one wing on the rec. yard, so I got to see people I had not seen in a while, so we started jabbering away and before I knew it, we were freezing our asses off. But it was alright, I sure as heck did not go outside today, even though some people did, I was not trying to hear it. Slept most of the day though, I was up with Cole, Chuy, and Lench kicking it most of the night. In about an hour I am gonna go ahead and get me a workout going to warm up this cell and body, then hop into the shower. Alright then I will catch up to you in a minute I am gonna go ahead and get my chill on and think about what Lench is doing right now, he should already be out by now....GOOD LUCK CHAVALON!!!!!! "I FEEL SO ALIVE".....P.O.D. 18 January 20073:50 A.M. "FOREVER".....PAPA ROACH "I ALONE"...LIVE Zippiddy do dah, zippitty day....Yeah well where shall I commence...while working out yesterday evening I received a letter from my mom AND......KIM... YUP, so you got me on top of the world or had me on top of the world ever since, even though my mom's letter was a ass chewing. Yeah my mom was upset bcuz at our visit, she says instead of concentrating on my daughter, I was just talking about my problems, so much so that my lil girl felt lost, cuz she did not know what was going on. At least that is what my mom assumes my daughter felt, cuz I know my mom did not ask her, or who's to say, I do know that in the letter I wrote my lil girl that Monday following our visit I did apologize to her for my mind being preoccupied with what was going on in my life. I think I also did the same in the last letter I wrote my mom, cuz it was true, my mind has been so much on Kim & LK, what can I say. As for the letter I received from Ki, it was wrote on the 5th of this month, and even though it was just a quick one page missive, it felt good to hear from her. And now I am wondering, if the reason it was just a one page letter is to see if I was going to receive it or not, so now I got to respond to it with quickness, and wondering if she received my last 2 letters and if she has responded to them? Oh yeah guess who is back out of my locker and kicking back next to me right now...Memoirs of a Geisha....; ).....WELCOME BACK!!! Now let's see what kind of magic we can work, come on baby girl lets do this, you just got to have faith and believe!!!!! SSSSSOOO I will get with you all in a few cuz I have a couple of letters to write....peace....out...ALWAYS!!!!! R.. "OVER MY HEAD"....THE FRAY "TONIGHT, TONIGHT"...SMASHING PUMPKINS 19 January 20072:46 P.M. "IRIS"....GOO GOO DOLLS "DON'T CRY".....GUNS-N-ROSES Well since receiving that letter, I have been feeling a whole heck of a lot better!!!! Mailed off a response to my mom and Kim this morning, let's see if/when they receive them. Went back to sleep after breakfast, woke up to get on the rec. list then went back to bed, woke up around 9 A.M., rec. rolled around 9:30 A.M. for us. Went outside and today there was no chatter, me and Sosa (the Old Man) took care of bizness and got our paper. Even though he smoked me on the shooting (39/26) his way I got him on the push-ups/pull-ups. I was doing sets of 20's/25's/30's, Old Man started off doing sets of 20's with me then dropped down to 10's, I ended up doing 1200 push-ups, and 120 pull-ups, it was AAA'WWWIIGGHHHTT!!! Cuz we got our paper today, and fixing to get it going tomorrow too. Came in had lunch, washed my clothes and jumped into the shower, the whole time I have been feeling good and just thinking about Kim, what is going on with her, what we are going to do if she decides not to bail on me, my main thing is to take care of her, only by her taking care of hers and LK's bizness first will she be able to do anything for me. We will see what happens, I just want things to go in a positive direction, no more set backs or major bumps in the road, hopefully. I'll hollar at ya'll in a few gonna get my eats on...had me a couple of soups puffin' up waiting on that chow cart to get here and now that is has arrived I shall bid you Adieu mon ami!!!! R. 20 January 20077:18 AM "DEAD OR ALIVE".....BON JOVI "DUMB".....NIRVANA Mornin' to ya!!!!! Had an eventful evening, I was trying to catch me some ZZZZZ'ssss, next thing I know they are shutting off my water and kicking my door in. At least this time I was not the only one, they also pilled out my neighbor Cole and took both of us to the hold over cells while they looked thru our cell/property for whatever they were looking for (turned out they were looking for tobacco). I was upset cuz I had just been trying to go to sleep, plus I had just received a brand new line Kelly made for me, not even 3 days old, not even paid for yet. That is all I was worried about, then too, the mess that they would make, but this time it was not so bad, they did not even pull nothing out of my locker or undo my mattress. Come to find out that the reason that they shock us down was cuz at count time big booty Nelson smelled smoke, and even though she did not know where it was coming from, she decided to come shake us two down, and only us two, which was pretty dumb, but then too **CK IT!!! Woke up this morning, had breakfast, read the newspaper, people, and Us weekly....and cleaned my cell up. Now you have me here banging on the drum, I was thinking of writing Kim again bcuz there are some things I did not mention in my last letter, for instance, I want her to come clean with Old School, tell him the truth and apologize to him. He is the only one I care about, if you can call it that, reason is bcuz from the beginning I had told Kim to take care of him, and not to take advantage of him, that he was not dumb, so for her to chill out when she was with him....stopped to listen to Champagne Super Nova and think a little.....then too, it all depends on what I hear from Kim next time I do hear from her, who knows when/if that will be????!!?? Alright then I will be back later gonna get ready for rec. and get my chill on....wondering what you all are doing....Kim, H.R., Crystal, Mom...R. 23 January 200710:39 A.M. "SHORTY, SHORTY"....EXTREME "HOW TO SAVE A LIFE"....THE FRAY Long time no see/hear/speak.....reason is cuz other than thinking about Kim, has not been much going on, so why bore you with my soap opera thoughts. Then too, on Sunday (1-21) one of my neighbors Lil Ed, sent me a book to read. So Sunday I spent it reading this novel, thinking about Kim, listening to the games, and also going over parts of my case in my mind. On Monday, I practically spent it the same way, finished reading this novel, thinking about Kim, and going over my case in my mind, then too, I received a response from the 8th District Court Clerk, In Re: I had sent her a letter asking to see how much my court transcripts would cost...Answer...at $0.50 a page, 1,132 pages, comes out to $566.00....Which is $566.00 added to $800.00 (Paralegal Course) that I do not have. So when received this response, I started thinking about writing my sister a letter, to see if I could ask her and my brothers (Anthony/David) to see if they could come together and loan me this money, I really don't think they will, but as of right now I have no other choice, unless I want to keep rotting in this place. Then too, I was thinking pick one, the course or the transcripts, and see if they will at least help me out with just paying for one. So I hollered at Cole and told him I had received the response as to how much my transcripts cost, and I also told him about me asking my family to help, and he said he don't think that they will help me out. Then Cole said why do I insist on taking the paralegal course when I don't need to, all I need to learn is available to me right here at our Law Library, and so far my transcripts, being that I am indigent, I might be able to get them for free, so why am I busting my head over something I could of already done or have at my reach, yet chose to not use it. Now me and Cole had already had this discussion a while back, cuz he says I can do it on my own without having to pay all that money for the course or transcripts, but I have told him that I am too dumb, and am really scared, that once I get started and run into a problem or something that I have no clue about, and don't know what to do or how to proceed, then what, and I only have one shot...under this Habeas Corpus, you only have one shot and if you don't get it right right here, that's it, I will be outta there, as if I haven't been already outta there. I also told Cole I do not know how to write motions or the court speak, and will get lost, plus I would feel better know that I took the course, even if ultimately I end up getting shot down, at least I won't be able to say well what if I had taken the course and such....time out....Cole said he would help me out as much as he can, but then too, what if mid way through, all of a sudden I get moved or he does, then what, then I would be up the proverbial creek without a paddle. So I have been going through all this in my head, and then too, my issues with Kim. As far as Kim is concerned I am just going to let that part of my life ride itself out, if she writes cool if she don't cool....She plays too many games and can't commit, so it will be for the best of both of us if I just let her go and do not try to tie her up in any of this as is I already did her enough damage, instead of taking better care of her, I let her get into a wreck! If I do get out though, ain't no doubt, I will look her up (not stalk her) and see how she is and if any embers are still there waiting to be relit... You know I really hope there is, but we will see what happens, if it is meant to be, then it will be!!! As for my case, since I have been going over it in my mind, I can't help but feeling juiced, cuz I really do believe I will win it out and make it out of here. But then too, I sometimes think that it is all in my mind, me building a sand castle, and when I take it in front of the courts they will do just like a wave and wash over my castle and leave nothing in its wake, talk about scary especially that now in these stages it really does not matter if you are right or wrong, but what matters is if you can come up with points of law to give them enough reason to reopen or overturn your case. Is it a sign that this song is on right now that I am writing this??? "DEAD AND BLOATED" STONE TEMPLE PILOTS HMMM???? Yeah so that is where my mind thoughts have been at these last couple of days. What else has been going on, my neighbor Tigger **CKED OFF his radio so using some of his radio parts I have him hooked up through our wall so he can at least have something to listen too until he gets a new radio. Super bowl 41, Chicago/Indianapolis, you would figure that after all Peyton and Dungy have been through to get to the Big Show they will not let this opportunity pass them by, but that Bears team, can turn out to be like Baltimore/Tampa Bay Super Bowl Winners, no great QB's or offenses but Great Defenses, which won them their rings. Should be a good game and even though I am rooting for Dungy/Manning, I think THA' BEARS are going to take it. So what you gonna do Kim? Alright then I guess I will give the drum some rest for now, I still have to finish up that last escapade I was telling you all about, maybe sometime later on today or tomorrow, take it ez until next we meet....ALWAYS!!!! R. "BRING ME TO LIFE"....EVANESCENCE "PATIENCE"......GUNS-N-ROSES 26 January 20074:17 P.M. "PAINTED BLACK".....ROLLING STONES HEY!!! I can't believe I have been vegetating these last couple days, NOT!!! I have been doing some reading and just trying to let me mind escape from here for a while. I have also been reading up on the law, just going over the Habeas Corpus process and such, the more I read, the more I believe I will get out of here when I do act upon it, I also remember why in 2004 when I was going thru this process of learning about the Habeas Corpus, why I stopped, bcuz I had already learned all I could and the next step would be doing research, obtaining my transcripts, practicing writing, and trying to get out to general population to do this. But the main reason I stopped is bcuz once I file this Habeas Corpus, it is my last shot/resort, after this if I get denied, I will have to serve out this sentence. So bcuz of this, when I do file it, I want to have all my ducks in a row, as they say, no matter how long it does take me. Which I think is said in itself...Had some good news a few days ago, Kim is working again, person that seen her said she working two jobs, which is good, but then too, sad cuz to make what she was making here, she has to work at two jobs, and the benefits are still probably not as good as here. I heard she also has a new car so at least it looks like she is stand up and wiping herself off, which is GREAT!!!! My neighbor received a letter from Lench today, and a receipt.....so at least he did send this fu some ends ($50) and in the letter he says he did not get to meet up with Kim, cuz they kept him an extra day, but I am wondering if he has called her cuz he did not mention it, said he was or had just smoked a fattie and was waiting on a pizza/buffalo wing delivery. Wrote him back, asked him to call Kim, let's see what happens, also asked him if he's stepped off in any yet, but you he had not, as of when he wrote that letter, but it's been 2 " weeks now so hopefully by now he has stepped off in some. That same evening I received a verbal message from Kim, it had to do with something about writing and getting into trouble but I did not understand it, even though, **CK IT!! I look at the situation with Kim as hopeless now, even though sometimes some of these songs I hear give me hope, but that in itself says it all for a song to give me more hope than what she has shown, is enough said. HOLLAR!!!!!!! R. 28 January 20073:45 A.M. "COME DOWN"....BUSH "FOREVER"....PAPA ROACH Did not do much yesterday (SATURDAY) wrote that letter to Lench, worked out, hit a shotgun board, so I ate me some candy bars, like 5 in a 2 hour period. Listen to that movie 'JarHead"... it was alright, good soundtrack, after that I was listening to this fight on HBO after dark, heard that until like 9:30 P.M. then I switched it to the Old Time Religious Hour to see if anyone I know would call in, sometimes even if they do not call in for me, just hearing the calls gives me a boost. Hearing what some of them wives/moms/sisters/kids have to say to there loved ones that are locked up can be inspirational. I have wrote my Mom, Daughter and Kim about this show, gave them the time, phone number and web address....to date no one has called, but I still have not lost hope maybe one of these days they will catch me by surprise, or maybe they do call, try to call, but just have not been able to get thru yet, yeah right, there I go letting my mind play tricks on me....NOT!!! One thing I do know, I am pretty hyped up on my case, I actually do believe I have sufficient grounds to get it overturned, then again it's just probably my mind playing tricks on me...I am gonna go ahead and get for now, I have to write 2 letters today so I can get them out in the morning, one is going to my mom and the other is going to my sister, the one for my sister, I am going to ask her for help, I don't think she will, but if I don't ask, then how will I really know for sure and at least by asking I will at least finally know where I stand on this issue with her, let's see what happens. Alright then I'll be hollering at ya....ALWAYS!!!! R. "ROUGH BOY"....ZZ TOP "GET STONED".....HINDER 29 January 20072:55 P.M. "SAVING ME"...NICKELBACK "LYING FROM YOU"....LINKIN PARK Yeah well, I sent them letters off this morning, let's see what my sister says/thinks when she gets my kite....HMMM just received a kite, bring me a bizness transaction on moving some work...nickel and diming...hmmmm. Damn I really did not want to get off into this again, but when times are hard....So I am thinking about it and trying not to think on it too much, just make a decision right now yes or now....Well I am going to go ahead and do it, let's see what comes of it. I need to try and come up anyways and nickel and diming, as always is a start, just got to tie my nutz and save the nickel and dimes up to make something of them and the risk I will be taking. I also just received my level review and they promoted me to a line class 2, so that at least gets me up off the bottom rung and on my way. That is for going one year without any disciplinary infractions, now it will be every 6 months for a promotion, so sometime in June I should get my line class 1 if I don't get into any wrecks. As much as lunch, it will take some mad sssskkkkiiilllllzzzzzz!!!! A'wight then I'll hollar at ya'll gonna hook up with t.v. to catch this Houston Rockets game against the 76ers.....catch ya'll tomorrow....R. "TWISTED TRANSISTOR".....KORN "LONG RUN"....THE EAGLES 30 January 20072:14 P.M. "TOO LITTLE TOO LATE"....JO JO "SOMEDAY".....SUGAR RAY Went to rec. early today about 6:30 A.M., was good but it was too we out there to do anything but huddle up at one of the corners and listen to Shorty gossip. Came in and got back under my covers until chow time, came up on an extra tray and went back to sleep. Cole jammed me up yesterday, about being workout partners, been giving it some thought since I woke up today. Yesterday I turned him down flat, bcuz I know fat boy will quit on me half way thru....just like he did when we use to play chess everyday. We would play one game of chess everyday at 4P.M., then one time we had a little disagreement about a misplaced move, and instead of fixing it, he just gave up on me, so since then we have not played chess, even though he has challenged me on several occasions, 'EL PASO, feel like getting beat up', 'Naw I'll pass I don't play with quitters.' As for this workout, I already figured out how we gonna do it, I just have to put the proposal on the table and get him to agree to it. I am thinking a 30 day contract to start off, if you break the contract you automatically pay the other person Five dollars, plus the added fees of days that you missed working out. Everyday we workout if you miss that day, you pay a fine of 1 or 2 stamps (still haven't settled on 1 or 2 stamps penalty). And I sill have to figure out the workout plan cuz fat boy will need to do some running and I really don't want to run, I don't need it, then too I don't care about having a gut. I also have to figure out how hard I will be able to drive him cuz he might still have some after effects from the chemo therapy he was taking, it has been a little over a year, but who knows, we ain't no doctors, plus how much can you trust these quacks that work for this place??!!! And don't give me no flack over that song, I like jo jo's voice, she sounds pretty good. The other day I heard this remix of that song 'Irreplaceable' by Beyonce in Spanish...and it was her, singing those Spanish parts, which surprised me, but then too, being from Houston I would not doubt it if she did know a little Spanish, at least enough to get by, then learned more as she went on. But I heard her and I was thinking or if Jay Z ever asks her to talk to him in Spanish, cuz she sure sounds sexy singing that song in Spanish or is he missing out.....Yeah right what could he be missing out on with her already next to him. Alright then I am gonna go ahead and get ready for dinner, they are already passing it out some kind of tuna casserole, see if I can come up on an extra, don't have much of a choice. HOLLAR!!!! R. "UNDER THE BRIDGE".....RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS "WHAT IT'S LIKE".....EVERLAST 2 February 200710:24 A.M. "SAD BUT TRUE".....METALLICA "HEAVEN AND HELL"....BLACK SABBATH Can't believe I actually just went 2 days without banging on this drum, that is my bed!! Been kinda busy though, gotta make time though. On the 31st, I worked out and then received some law books from the library so I spent most of the afternoon reading the law. On the first, went to rec. early then came in and started that 30 day workout with Cole, showered took a nap, woke up, washed my sheets, read the paper and listened to the Spurs/Suns game. I did receive 2 letters, 1 from my friend Sarah and 1 from my MOM, my Mom's left more questions than answers, cuz she did not mention if she received my last 2 letters and if she sent off Kim's portions. Then too; she also mentioned that my sister is in the process of buying a new and bigger house, which I was glad for but kinda felt like if I had chosen the wrong time to ask her and my bro's for some financial assistance in taking this paralegal course and getting my transcripts, I just sent that letter out this past Monday....When I sent it, I was thinking my chances were around 30-40% in favor of helping me out, but now I think those odds just decreased by like 20-10%...well, we will see. She should be receiving my letter either today or yesterday. Good thing that my son H.R. is attending Comm. Coll. so at least he is furthering his education in some way, Even though my mom did mention that they have had a couple of arguments, she is holding fast to making him mind and not pull any slick moves on me. Have not heard back from my daughter CRYs'...Hmmm? Hopefully my grandma gets over whatever sinus infection she has, bcuz at her age (80 something) any little thing can escalate to pneumonia or worse...Last night I was hustling up something to eat for the Super Bowl, Came up on a pair of Chilli with beans and some soups so at least I will have a little something to spread, while listening to the game. GGGGOOOO BBBBEEEAAARRRSS!!! Alright then I am going to go ahead and get ready to him the gym with Cole, let's see if he don't start complaining about being sore from yesterday and wuss out on me, hopefully he doez, that will be a stamp in my pocket, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Before I go, I just read in the paper how the U.S.A. is trying to say that Iran is selling Iraq Weapons to use against American Soldiers, what is this, part 2 in them looking for reasons to invade Iran, are they softening us up, setting their ground work for then they do try something on Iran. What I can't believe is that the rest of the world just sits by and lets this Government do as they please...This will probably turn into another "Weapons of Mass Destruction" excuse to invade Iran, watch.... HOLLAR....R 5 February 20073:31 P.M. "FARAWAY"....CANDLE BOX Darn!!! Been a couple of days talk about slacking off, on Sat. me and Cole took a day of from working out and used it as a kick back day. So all I did was sleep and read this novel I received, I did not order it, I had ordered that typing book, but instead they sent me this courtroom drama. On Sunday, me and Cole worked out and I read and got ready to hear the game, since some people can not pick up CBS or any AM reception, I did a play by play for them, got my munch on too, and even though I lost 8 stamps on them Bears, I hit the board twice and won 36 stamps, which was alright, now I just got to uze them wisely. And I guess that's where the problem is, 'wisely'. Wend outside to rec. and got paid with the old man, knocked out 1,000 pushups and then did some pull-ups. Came inside and washed my clothes and took me a wash off. Later on I still have to workout with Cole, I did some reading of the law today, was reading about the compulsory process or something like that, and was wondering and trying to remember what all my lawyer did my defense, cuz from what I remember, he did not even do nothing, not one thing to put any type of doubt in the jury's mind. So I was wondering if 'NO DEFENSE' counts as a viable defense???.........they are playing that song by STONE SOUR "SILLY WORLD"....check out the lyrics if you ever get a chance.. talk about coincidences, damn I hate coincidences!!!! I sent Crystal a letter this morning and now I have to write my Mom and Sarah, that is why I am on this drum right now cuz I am gonna be pretty busy as soon as I am done with this, but I will catch up to you all later as always....R 6 February 20072:00 P.M. "CRAWLING"....Linkin Park Yeah, jus checking in. Just finished writing a kite for Sarah. I received 3 letters yesterday. I from Sarah, 1 from Gary (History project), 1 return to sender from Kim (a card I sent her on the 19th of January)...who knows what that is about, other than what it is, as I received it. As that song by Led Zeppelin says, "Ramble on"... I have not heard from Crystal. Wondering if she is upset with me, or if it's just school/work/and life... Oh yeah, I am fixing to send in my second submission to that journal project. Let's see if they get it and what they do with it...still wondering about my first submission??? I also got some law books in right now, so I am fixing to get off t 7 February 20077:05 P.M. "FROM YESTERDAY" .... 30 SECOND5 TO MARS YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! MY baby wrote me a letter, now I just need a plane ticket up outta here!!! Yeah, last night as I was waiting for them to pass out mail so me and Cole could get our workout going( I was not expecting no mail, other than my newspaper) So when the co stops at my cell to give me a letter, well as usual it lifts my spirits. Then when I see it is an envelope from my mom and thick too, I am thinking it is the copies that I asked her for and I am thinking, darn that was pretty quick. But when I open the letter, I trip smooth out, because I see the sunflower design paper that Kim uses to write me with, and well yeah you can only guess how my whole system went into overdrive, not even knowing if it was bad news or what. Man, it just felt so **ckin' good to receive something from her, and then, as I started to read it and to read what she was saying, talk about my emotions skyrocketing to the moon and beyond, you had me bouncing off the walls with this billion/trillion watt smile on my face and trying to face or figure out in what direction she was to try and send her my feelings, thoughts, and emotions, hoping that at that time she would be feeling me something serious !!!! FO' REAL!!! At the same time, Cole has also received some mail from his Mom, with a picture of a brother of his that had passed away, so we went ahead and put off our workout for that evening. Even though you would think that I would get to writing Kim back as soon as possible, I did not because she did say she was moving, and until she writes me again so that I can know where to send my mail, it makes no sense to rush, even though I am going to write her after I put this journal away. I am not going to send it to her. I am just going to save it for her, for when she does write me. Shat said it won't be until March/April and for me not to panic, so I am not going to panic, but then too, you already know I am going to be wishing for the days to hurry up and pass me/us on by. So what I did last night was to just go to sleep, or at least try to, but yeah, it was a comfortable sleep one I finally drifted off to try and catch Kim somewhere in our dreams. Reason I went to sleep is cuz I had planned to wake up early and get to some business to get it out of the way so that I could get to writing Kim. So when I woke up this morning at breakfast, I washed up, read the papers, studied some law, and now you got me here banging on a drum. She got me worried, though. I hope she don't get caught up in anything stupid or illegal. I need for her to stay on the straight and narrow now, taking no chances of getting caught up in anything that will hurt her on LK. All right, when then I will holler at ya'll later. Got to catch up with my baby. Talk about being on a roller coaster ride....ALWAYS!! 'ANGEL'...AEROSMITH 8 February 20079:38 P.M. "LOVE HURTS"...NAZARETH "OVER MY HEAD"...THE FRAY Been up since breakfast, been busy though, getting some reading material out the way so that I can pass it on, then too as soon as I finish with this, I am going to continue answering Kim's letter, which is what I spent most of yesterday doing, and I still have a ways to go. I am thinking, though, cuz in this letter, she is saying all the "Miss you's" and "love you's", even so far as to say that if she has to wait the 23 years I got left, if I don't win this case on my habees corpus retrial. And I am like...hmm okay...I just don't know man.... Part of me says what else do I have going for me, right? Especially "selfish Mike". He's like f*** it, just go with the flow. It's not like if I don't have feelings for her, it's just that I have a hard time with it because how can I rob her of her life??? What am I going to do??? Should I tell her to go her own way? I mean, I already did in the last two letters she received from me I told her that my best advice would be for her to put all this behind her and go on with her life, but in this letter, she says that she is committed to ma and that it is up to me to do my part to make this relationship work because she is going to do her part, and I am like what?! I just don't know...I WILL GET AT YOU ALL LATER. They are pulling out recreation, and I gots to go beat up on the old man...ALWAYS. R. !!! 10:16AM. 10 February 20075:02 A.M. "I LOVE YOUR WAY"...PETER FRAMPION Missed yesterday. Spent it writing Kim and listening to the fourth and fifth installments in the STAR WARS series: The New Hope yesterday and The Empire Strikes Back. That was pretty bad a$$. Hadn't heard/seen those movies in a long time. The thing is, I have seen them so many times that I can close my eyes and listen to it and the radio and follow the movie on the screen in my head. I grew up with 4, 5, and 6 and right before I got locked up this time, I took my son (H.R.) to see the first one. I can't remember what they are calling it, but it was the one with Darth Maul. I remember after seeing that I was calling my mom Darth Mom. Hardy har har....Yeah, I have been in an excellent mood. Wonder why??? Hmm!! And I might not ever hear back from her again, but for now, it's all good. I'll ford that river when I get to it. Then too, this letter I am writing her in response to her's is pretty good. I am expressing myself pretty straight, and even though that by writing this letter and how I am expressing myself, leaves the chances that when she reads it, if she ever gets to read it, that she will go her own way and leave me behind. At least I know I did the right thing and this new conscience I have will leave me alone and not be kicking me around on the inside. She is too much of a beautiful person for me to keep locked up in a cage like I am, even though she would be out there. It would still be kind of the same thing. I am kind of nervous towards this coming week too, because I should be hearing back from my sister or mom on that letter I sent to my sister on the 19th to see if she will help me out. Let's see what happens. I know every day at mail call, I am going to be schizing...acting like Cole awaiting a letter from his ring. All right then, I will catch up to you on the other side of the Rio Grande...Adios amigos!! Always!!! 11 February 2007"DESPERADO"...THE EAGLES "PARDON ME"...INCUBUS Mornin' to ya'll!!! As IF...Anyways, I spent most of yesterday hollering at KIM, was good, I feel it was a productive day, then too in the afternoon, I also received a verbal smoke signal that she has received my last missive and had one headed my why, which as you know, only served to boost my spirit and put me in an even better mood! I don't know, but I feel good and I have this good feeling growing in me, and that is just me relying on my "Spidey Sense". I stood up most of the night, too, going over our underlined parts from that book she had given me, and proofreading everything I wrote, since I do not use no typing ribbon or correction tape (too expensive). So I slept most of the morning, I did make it to get on the rec list and it's a good thing that they have not run rec yet, or I would have been stuck out. Now let's see if they do run it al all...I have to keep reminding myself that I have no control over how fast things move. Then too, that's alright, cuz I need all the time I can get just to make sure I have things right, or as right as I can get them. That is in reference to my paperwork or anything having to do with this case. Since I am her, let me get back to part 2 of where I was on my little escapade from '87/'88...As far as the court procedure goes, I could have been out on bond, but my mom and step dad had just gone through some bulls*** in getting back their house after having put it up on bond to take one of my uncles out of jail. They did not want to go through that again. So there went my chance for bonding out. Then, too, I did not qualify for no personal recognizance (PR Bond), cuz when I was booked, my charges were 3 aggravated robberies, and 1 attempted capital murder of a peace officer. My mom tried to hire me a lawyer she had known and done business with before (civil proceedings), but he had wanted too much money to just look at my case, so my mom said I was on my own, but she did recommend I ask him if I have a chance, which is what I did, and I ended up getting him too D. BRIONES, never handled a criminal case in his life. Anyways, they dropped the original charges and left me with 1 aggravated robbery and 1 aggravated assault of a peace office. They were offering me 10 years prison time, and from what I heard, since it was my first offense, that was too much time. Then, too, I did not know s***. I was just riding it out. I did not know I could go to the law library, but then, too, this time I knew and a lot of good it did me this time. Then, too, I just ain't too smart. Anyways, before we go to trial, I wanted to go to trial and fight the assault charge because I did not assault that fool and I figured if I could beat that charge, they would bring down that 10 year offer. Then too, Briones had said that the store clerk was going to testify for us that I did not assault the cop. So I am thinking that is all I need, right??? Well, on the day of the trial, the DA calls the two cops to the stand and they back each other up. Then the DA calls the store clerk to the stand and I remember he says that she is a hostile witness because she is supposed to be testifying for the defense. Well, when she gets up there and he asks her what she seen, she says she did not see nothing because she was in a state of shock. And that right there blew my boat out of the water. I turned to Briones and asked him what was up, and he said he don't know, and I'm like, well, we're f***ed. So he asks if I still want to continue, and I'm like, what do you recommend? He says he will be right back. So he talks to the DA and the Judge and come back with the same deal: 10 yrs, and I took them, cuz I didn't have no choice, right?! So that is what I got that first time I was sentenced to prison with 2/10 year sentences aggravated. I came down and did 3 years and 8 month, then went home. I gout out August 29, 1991. Between 8/'91 and 3/'93, I got hooked on heroine, and my life just seemed to get even worse. Like is I was on some self-destruct mode something serious!! In 3/'93, they picked me up on a domesticated violence charge. I could have beat it. Than, too, Susie was gonna drop the charges, but me and her were already rock bottom, so at the time parole revocations were doing 1 year over her in prison then being released, so I told my mom I was just going to plea guilty , and that that year away would serve for me and Susie to get out divorce. While I was in prison, I would take advantage of it and take a trade, so for when I for out, I would be ready. But as usual, s*** did not work out like that, well not all of it at least. Me and Susie did end up getting divorces, but these hoes ended up make me do 5 years straight and that was me playing it cool, no cases or nothing. Then I had to do it in AD. Seg, which meant no trades, so I started taking a correspondence course from Sam Houston State (Psychology 101). As soon as I finished that course, I signed up for a Sociology course, but at that time, they took away all in-cell studies, so we could not take no more courses. Talk about messed up...Anyways, in Feb. '98, my mom writes me and tells me that parole is fixing to release me. At that time, I needed like 17 months more to do and I would be done with the original 10 years I had been sentenced to, so like I had already been out on parole, and did not like being on parole. I was thinking I might as well stay and do those 17 months, and like that, I would get out with no parole or nothing. But when I mentioned this to my mom, she was like, are you f***ing crazy? Think about your kids and as and wua wua wua.... So I 'm like a'ight, but then to, come on, it's not like if she really had to do a lot of convincing too. Who wouldn't bolt ass soon as that door is opened? But I tell you one thing. If we could have foreseen the future, we would have been in agreement for me to stay and finish my sentence day for day...17 months from then would have had me making parole around 7/8 1999. Then, too, maybe this was just meant to happen, cuz this next crime, I picked it up in 9/'99. SO who know or is to say. The thing is I was released on parole 4/'98. My whole mindset was to get out, go to school, get a job, no smoking, no drinking, nothing. Just getting my s*** together, but my f*** up self was thinking that I could shoot up one time and quit. Cuz in my mind, I had said one more time and that would be it, but not when I just got out. I would wait until later, once I had all my other s*** taken care of. So sure enough, I get out, get me a job at a warehouse. It was too lat to enroll in college, but I do take a summer welding course...as for parole, I am on that home arrest monitor, to where I have to fill out a schedule a week ahead of time and I cannot go nowhere that is not on that schedule. Cannot even stop to put gas or go thru a drive thru, which I did not know at the time, but would find out later. Anyways, I am taking care of my business. One thing I failed to mention. That day I got out, we had a little family pow wow...parents and siblings, and it was put to me: You are out. Do your part, and we will support you 100%, but if you go back on drugs, on any of that other bulls***, you will be on your own. Do not expect nothing from us, which was understood loud and clear, and that is how it should be. I mean, how much hurt could they stand for? I had already drawn them through to the bottom with me and they had been there for me all the time. So there I go. I was doing good. They one day, I get out of work early, and head to my trade school, and get there early. While I am waiting in the parking lot, my instructor shows up and he sees me and he tells me to go ahead and come in and get started, and he will let me go early. So I go ahead and go in and get started with my work. Sure enough, a little before 8PM, he tell me to go ahead and cut out. I clean up my station and head over to the D. SHAMROCK, buy me a 40 oz., and call up Sara (a different Sara, one that my bro had hooked me up with). She does not answer. Anyways, since I am out, I decide to head home, but take the scenic route. Instead of jumping on the freeway, I am taking the side roads home, cruising, getting my jam on. Right before I get to the house, I call Sara again. This time she answers and I tell her I got out early, and ask her if she wants to get something to eat. She says yeah, so I pick her up, and she wants to go to Taco Bell and get our chill on and enjoy the night, and a little bit before 10PM, I take her home and head home myself. The thing is when I called Sara that last time, I turned off my cell phone, don't ask me why, I don't know why I did that, but I would say something bordering close to, if not over stupidity, just plain old STUPID. So when I get home, my mom is like where have you been? So I tell her. As far as time was concerned, I did not have to be home until like 10:30PM and I was home before 10PM, so I still had like 30 minutes to the good, at least I thought. WRONG. Anyways, my mom says my parole officer has been looking for me, already been around 2 or 3 times, and called several times. Right around then, the phone in my room rings, and it is the company from my ankle monitor calling to verify that I am home, and I say yeah, it's me, and ask if there are any problems, and they say no, like if they would tell me there were, right?? So I shower and go to sleep, and around midnight, I am awakened by the door bell, and at the same time, my room is at the front, so I hear radios that cops usually wear. But I am not thinking it is for me, but sure enough, when I get up to go and see what is up, my mom and dad tell me they are there for me and everyone is like, what the f***? They say they don't know what is up, other than that a blue warrant from parole was issued for my arrest, no reason as to why, and they are just carrying it out is all. So a'ight. Then I get dressed and take off with them. Come to find out I was not supposed to go nowhere but straight home, so that is why they violated my parole that time. My family got a real kick out of it, using that Taco Bell theme in everything they would say to me, asking me if I wanted more Taco Bell and such. Even got me a stuffed animal of that little dog that use as a logo, or whatever. Anyways, I ended up doing a 90-day turnaround. I did 30 days in county, and 71 days at an intersanction facility...wasn't so bad. I used it to hit the weights and I was working in the kitchen as the baker, the only one too, which was a'ight, cuz that gave me pretty much all the freedom to do whatever I wanted to in that kitchen. That is another story in itself. Anyways, I got released around 11/'98. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Taco Bell incident happened in July '98, so I had just been out since April, which means I had done all of close to two months before f***ing up and getting sent back. Anyways, I get out in November '98. Get my same job back at the warehouse. I didn't think I would be able to, but the Saykley's liked me and how I took care of my business, so that is what Joe "Pajaro" Saykley told me. And at that same time, I started my paperwork for community college so that I could start the January sessions. It was a good holiday, even thought I was feeling out of place, don't ask me why or what was up. In January '99, I started school, was working, and taking a full load at school: 2 basics, 2 computer courses. Then at the end of January, I can't remember what day, but while at the house asleep, I was awakened by a cop radio. Our house was the second house from the freeway, so I was used to having cop cars pull up around our area waiting on speeders, especially since there was an off-ramp right there. But this time, when I was awakened, I could hear it, but when I looked out my window, I couldn't see it, so I figured they were parked up the street somewhere and are picking someone up. But for some reason, I get up and get my stuff ready, I don't know why, but my "Spidey Sense" was going off, so, sure enough, when I wake up, they ring the bill, and this time I answer it myself. They tell me they are looking for so and so, and I tell them that is me. They say they have a warrant for my arrest. By that time, my folks had come out, and I told them they were picking me up again. When I asked the cop what the warrant was for, he said robbery and that the warrant was from ARIZONA. And I was like, what the hell??!! So as they take me to the car, they ask me to take off my sweatshirt, and I do. They check out my tattoos, and say that yeah, my tattoos confirm it is I whom they are looking for. So as we are headed to the cop station, I ask what more they got on that warrant. Supposedly, it is for a robbery committed in Arizona in '96/'97. I ask them if they are sure, and they are like, yeah, as far as what the warrant says, they are sure. So I tell them it has to be a bogus ass warrant cuz I was in prison from 1993 to 1998, and at no time was released for parole or anything. I could not have been in Arizona at that time, but they can't do nothing about it, so we go through the booking process and all. From the county jail, I call my folks and tell them and that are just like me, of the same mind that there is no way I could have been in Arizona at said time to commit this robbery. So when my parole officer comes to see me, he is accompanied by two other people, and he starts to tell me that they are revoking my parole because of this robbery and such. I hear him for a while. Then he asks me if I got anything to say, and I tell him "look man, if you want to waste taxpayer money and your time on this bulls***, no sweat, because every day I am in the county is one day less I have to do on parole out on the streets, and if you want to send me on a free trip to Arizona, no sweat either, but what I can't believe is how stupid you all are, because they say I committed this crime in 1996. Well, if you look at your paperwork, you will see that I was doing time in T.D.C.J. at that time. I did five years straight. At no time did I get out for nothing. From '93 to '98, I was locked up, so there is no way I could have been in Arizona, but if you want to send me over there on a free trip, like I said, no sweat. Less time I have to do on parole, and with that, he said he would look into it. Well, based on that bogus warrant, they still ended up revoking my parole. Sometime in March '99, while in the county, my parole officer came to advise me that my parole has been revoked and that I will be heading back to prison. It was a Wednesday, and I was like f*** it. Anyways, I call my folks and let them know and nobody can believe this bulls*** is going on. So that Friday, I am chilling out in my cellblock. At about 8pm, they come for me, and tell me to pack up because they are moving me, and everyone is like what is going on, cuz it's too late for them to do any moves. So we start thinking a special chain, to T.D.C.J (Texas Department of Criminal Justice). But on Friday??!! So what is going on? Either way, I pack up and follow the routine of being processed out, all the time wondering what the hell is going on. There are five other fellers with me, and I ask each one where they are going, and every single one tells me he is going home on bond, or being released after time served, and I am like hmm... Anyways, I am just studying the scene, and a little before 10PM, they cal them 5 fu's and walk them out, and I think, well, that is as far as I am getting. They change shift around 11PM and as soon as they change shift, the shift supervisor comes for me and tells me, let's get me out of here so he can start his paperwork, and I am like a'ight. So as he walks me out, I am looking all around thinking it's some kind of trap or set up, because I am not supposed to be getting out. I am supposed to be awaiting the chain back to T.D.C.J. The county annex is way out in the outskirts of El Paso, so as I am released, I cross the street. There is a store, a bar, and some trailer park. That is all that is out there. The rest is nothing but desert. So I head over to the store, looking all around me expecting a million cops to jump out at anytime and arrest me for escape or something. So I go to the store and change my check by buying a candy bar so I can get some change for the phone. I go outside and call my brother Anthony. He answers and I tell him that it's me and he is like what the f***. And I tell him that they just let me out, and he is like, get off the bulls**. I am for real, man. I am calling you from outside the annex. I don't know what is going on, but come and pick me up. I tell him I am going to be walking back towards the city, so to look for me walking towards him, I also tell he mot to tell my folks nothing, just to hurry up and get his a$$ over here. Well, while standing there, I walk over to the bar and look in. I don't go it, just look it. There is a band playing and some people dancing. I walk back to the phone where I was at and this lady comes out of the bar and asks me if I just got out, and I am like yeah. She tells me that they usually spot releases to a cigarette and a free beer, and to come in. I am like no thank you, but I do appreciate it. Then all of the sudden, I hear sirens, and yeah, you know my whole system spikes up like 110%. I see sirens and like two sheriff cars pull up to the store, sirens going and all. This happens to be walking by me, and I ask him what is going on, and he tells me someone just robbed the store, and I am like F***!!! So yeah, I am like feet, don't fail me now, so I take off walking towards the city like I told my bro, all the time, more cops are pulling into that place. So I finally start running. I am just too f****** hyped. After a while, I pass the loop and slow down, because I don't know if my bro is taking the freeway or coming on the loop. Sure enough, after a few, I hear a radio blasting behind me, where the loop is at, but since I already passed it, I see my bro turn away from me, going towards the annex. I don't sweat it thought, cuz I know he will get to the annex and not see me, then back track, which is exactly what he does. He picks me up and asks where to? I tell him just take it easy and cruise on home. He tells me there was all kinds of cops back there. We pull into a Chevron so he can fill up. I buy us a quart of some Bud. He tells me woke up my mom and told her, and that she told him to get my a$$ straight home, so she wins, right. Well, we get home and my mom has some clothes for me, a toothbrush, and shirt. She says come on in, I am driving you to your sister's until we figure out what is going on. On the way over to my sister's, my mom tells me that she called my sister and told her what was going on, and then that my sister called the annex, and that according to the annex, I was still there. So my mom asks me what do I plan to do? And I am like, well, mom, it is not my f*** up, if it is a f*** up, so what I plan to do is party hearty this weekend and then I will turn myself in on Monday. Since they had revoked my parole, we had sold my truck, so I had that money in the bank. So we get to my sister's place, and my mom stays there with us and goes to sleep. I try to go to sleep, but I can't, so I stay up all night, or what was left of that night. It was like 2AM when we got to my sister's place. Anyways, I spend it on her computer, listening to the radio and this Goo Goo Dolls CD she has. In the morning, we have breakfast and head on over to the back. We withdraw about $500, and then my mom takes me to Cielo Vista Mall, where my bro is waiting for me. My mom and us say our goodbyes, and my mom takes off. I owed some people some money, so that is our first mission. We head over to one of my homies place, and I pay him what I owed him and then we go through this whole experience I am going through. When we are about to leave, he calls me back and takes me to a back room and gives me an oz. on the house. Well, it's Saturday, talk about getting the party started!!! I'm going to go ahead and put this on chill mode for now, cuz I have been banging on this particular drum all morning, and I still have to holla at my girl, you like that? I said my Girl, ha, getting cocky now, naw but serious, I am going to put this on hold for now, and I will get back to you in a few...so I can pick this up where I left off. Then too, it did take me a week or two to finally pick up the thread where I left off...holler! 13 February 2007"WITHOUT YOU"...MOTLEY CRUE Yesterday was a tripped out day. I was either writing Kim or asleep, and I slept most of today too. But yesterday I finished up that kite I have going to Kim, I am going to mail it off tonight, hopefully it will get to her sometime soon. Other than that, just been on chill mode. Took a day off from working out yesterday. Maybe that's why I slept so much. It must have just caught up to my body. I had an idea, cuz LK (Kim's daughter) is fixing to start school this coming September, and in my kite to Kim, I had been asking her if she was ready...and from there I started thinking that it would be okay if every school system in the USA made it mandatory for every student to take/learn a different language...the thing is to change it up every 5 years. For example, 2007 t 2012 "Spanish", 2013 to 2018, "German", 2019 to 2024 "Japanese", 2025 to 2030 "French"etc. etc. I think that would be pretty a$$, cuz you would have people graduating knowing the basics to more than one language. They would be graduating having spent at least 2 full 5 years with 2 different languages and going on 2 years with a 3rd...and it should be mandatory from 1st grade all the way to the 12th (graduation). I think that would do away with a lot of that "you live in America; speak English only" sentiment. All right then, I am gonna holler at ya in a few...see ya. Talk about tripped out old ammo just walked in thru the door they put him down there in 128 cell, Ammo had been on G-Wing for a while back, then he tried to pass a note to Kim and she wrote him up for trying to establish a relationship. Well now that Ammo is here on this wing, I am sure I will find out what his version of the story is lets see what went down from his point of view...this is going to be interesting, hmm...yeah I know, setting myself up for a headache, get back at ya...holler...R. 17 February 2007"HURT" ...NINE INCH NAILS Dang, I thought I had only been away a couple of days, but right now that I pulled this out, I seen that it has been since the 13th that I last wrote something in my journal. Anyways, it has been a couple of aggravating/frustrating days, and that I still have not had a chance or opportunity to heller at AMMO at rec yet. On the 15th I received 2 letters, 1 from my mom with a letter and some legal material I had asked her to make copies for me and the second letter was from Kim, and that is where my aggravation/ frustration comes in, even though now I am settled or a little more calm...I was and am glad to hear from her, bur she wants me to answer her questions, yet where do I send the letters to? She said she moving and that I would not hear from her until she has settled and got a new address, so I had settled in to wait it out, then I get this letter and in it, she sounds frantic, like if she doesn't know what to do, and that s*** just upsets me, cuz I cannot so nothing about that. Even if I write to calm her down or make a suggestion or idea, what good is it if I cannot send her the letter, cuz there is no address to send it to...But I did spend all or most of yesterday answering her letter. Now I just got to continue to wait it out until I hear from her and can get this letter to her. The too, les see if she will receive my last letter that I sent her on the 13th/14th. I asked my mom to forward it for me only if she had another address other than the Huntsville one. If not, just to sit on it until she does get a new address...we will see what happens. As for the home front, other than my dad going back and forth from Dallas to El Paso, cuz his dad is having health problem, they say or don't expect him to make it much longer, but my son and daughter have been doing good. My grandma recovered from her sinus infection, our mixed Labrador retriever Rex had knee surgery. Mom says they are spoiling the heck out of him and that he is enjoying having them at his beck and call. Mom says not to expect a visit any time soon, cuz she is not trying to take any days off, so that she can retire as planned around June/July of this year. 25/30 years of working for GMAC. Well, I have been thinking about my sister cuz I have not heard from her about my letter and my mom did not mention nothing in her letter, which is a bad sign to me. Then too, who knows. I had a dream this afternoon, and in it, my sister says that she is just going to send me the money and I tell her NO, for her to pay it from over there. When I woke up, I tripped out cuz I was thinking, damn, I still do not trust myself if I am telling her not to send me the money. All right then, I will holler at ya'll later. I still got to write my mom and Sarah. Hey Gary, in your last letter, you said you were going to try and go snow shoeing or something like that, but you were griping cuz of lack of snow. Well, how is the snow now...had enough yet??!! Holler!!! R. 19 February 20073:42 A.M. "NATION WILE"...ZZ TOP Up at 'em early today, yeah, cuz I got some letters to get at. Today is Presidents Day, so no outgoing mail, so it gives me that extra day to finish up on some letters I started over the weekend. I received a missive from a homie I had not heard from in a minute (Bad Boy). He is fixing to get out in a couple of weeks, already has 116 flat on a 25 year sentence. Anyways, he sent me word seeing if I could hook him up with Kim's info so he can holler at her when he gets out. Since I know that Kim liked him or whatever, I sent him her cell phone number, and I wrote Kim and let her know and at the same time, asked her if she wants me to give him and more info to let me know and I will, or she should have his info, so for her to just contact him directly...that's up to her. He also jammed me up if there was anything I needed to just ask or let him know. I wrote him back and told him I need about 20/25 G's so I can get me a good lawyer to get my a$$ up out of her or get me a serious time reduction. If I am gonna ask for something, it might as well be the moon. If anyone can get it for me, it is B.B. He just has to really want to do that for me. Now that Kim is in Austin, let's see how long it takes for her to get back at me or if she does, in the meantime, I just got to keep on doing what I am doing and researching my case, maybe out of all this nit-picking, I am looking for, something major will come up...holler...R. 18 March 20075:25 A.M. Hey, I am back. No music to start this off, though. Been almost a month since I last banged on this drum. I guess you can say I had some inner issues (Kim) to deal with, and my family. I done figured out what I am going to do though. That is a good thing, but as for it being the right decision, well...who knows? What I do know is that I woke up this morning and tore up all of Kim's letters. Even tore up that book she gave me and flushed everything down the commode. Now I have to put a letter together for my mom. That is going to be the hardest part, cuz I am going to gut her off, have nothing to do with her for a while. How long, I do not know. I just pray that while I impose this self exile upon myself, that nothing happens to her or any of my family. Please continue to take care and bless them God! You know since I last wrote in this journal, I have not touched this machine other than to write my mom the last letter I wrote her. Reason I did not want to get near this machine was cuz I was gonna feel like if I had to write Kim, cuz I was doing like a journal for her too. But I am al over that know, at least I think I am. I will just deal with things as they come instead of trying to look into the future and prepare for it. Does that sound right??? I was doing some calculations last night. Since January '88 to now, I have been locked up a total of 18 years flat...spent a total of one year out in the free with my family....Damn shame if you ask me or anyone else, I'm sure. Talk about a waster!! Anyways, I will be back in a few. I think I got this depression knocked out. Will tell later on if I am right. Thing is, I am going to try and fill this page up so that I can go ahead and send this in as my third submission to my journal...right now, it is fixing to be a shift change. Who know if that will be taking us out to rec today, but I have been working out ever since, and that is what I am fixing to do right now. I gained 4 lbs, since I last weighed myself in July/ August, which is good cuz I know I did not gain no fat cuz I have not had no money to buy anything to eat other than 3 hots that they give us, went from 183 to 187. So I am going to get ready to get my paper. I will be checking in after I shower and wash my clothes later...HOLLA!!! R. 19 March 20072:14 P.M. "COMFORTABLY NUMB"...PINK FLOYD. Hey, it's a day later. Went to rec yesterday, came back by the time I took care of my business. It was time to get my sleep on, then too I fall asleep listening to the TX/USC basketball game. Longhorn got blown out, so now I got to root for them. Aggies against Memphis...Gig 'em AGGIES!!! Today went to rec, came back, and took care of my business and got some law books in and cases to research. So that is what I have been doing. Right now, I am going to write the gang intelligence officer and see if she can enroll me in this program that they have for ex=gang members. Hopefully, she will. We will see. All right then, I am going to go ahead and send this third installment off...but I will be getting back into this journal more regularly like at first...take it easy and as always take it easy!!!!!!!!!!! R. |