The journal of Robert Barillas
October 1st, 2007
Sorry for having you to go through this trouble, well if was to be sooner on time I could be saying that I was misunderstood.
Y'know sort of like story of my life, but I've done got over that, and see things for what they are. So yes! I know I sort of wrote either too fast or didn't pay attention to what I was doing. But sure I could take my time. Of course if you'll let me? "Thank you" OK! Where was I at? Yes. The life I lead used to be full of mistakes, how I could say that still some but there's fewer than before. OK I have gotten better ways, and sure I think I've mentioned that I let a lot of people down, and there's several ones that want to hear from me, but I rather not as I find more truth on showing facts instead, OK. Anyone could say the things someone wants to hear, but how when it turns out to be all fake, and at front with such!!! OK long story short, I am not going through it and I sure feel better now than before. And I know I may sound quite sad enough to have someone go ohh! Poor!!!...no! That's not my goal here. Now it's more than that. I'll like someone to know, learn, hear and maybe awake some interest on what I am doing, and maybe showed me some ways I may not even know exist. OK! Before I used to be on the driving side, but it did not work out, now I should try let someone do that, sort of like new ways. On all those roads that I once went through could teach anyone that life means more than what you could see, and when you learn how to value it, maybe people, it's onto believe that you're ain't worth trying for, but that's when y'know you're out to try harder. Yeah! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But that's all you could do. Sort of like loving and getting over, but sooner you've realized that you're ain't never loved before. And so it's a new feeling that you're out to deal with and that's like the audition you're out to do your best.
And sooner than you know, you've realized that it's gotten you where you really don't want to be. "Jail" OK long story short, I've just fallen out from the good wagon to the one that didn't work, but like someone said before, " YOU LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES" or at least you could try if you're ain't tired of messing up! Well I'm so I figure this is lesser than what I intended to put, but surely beats writing to the radio station where they read the best they see. If not interesting enough, you will be the last in line, and ok know mail plays a big role for everyone here, even if you play it cool, to where no one can tell that you do, but it does, I sure look forward the someone sees it and be like OK! It makes sense.
Yeah! I've been around some wicked minds were am been afraid of making the mistake to be bold enough were they'll know I'm not sure of myself, but I'll made it tough, and when I look back all I could do is congratulate me, but at the same time I don't know why.
I don't spect to believe to, or be put to where I can be special, I spect to get there on my own. How? That's the big question, which at this point ain't found. But there was always something in me that put me through hard stuff and got me through it. Sort of like that time that I met this girl that knew me for being Mr. Tough so I have to live to my reputation. In other words, I was the most talented individual she'd ever met. So after taking her for a drive and all, I was asked to come to her ranch, which it was agreed on the spot, "I've still don't know how it happened." Well I ended up being asked to ride a horse, "WHICH I NEVER DONE." Yes! I like here to state that I like her. But I've seen people get hurt pretty bad from a fall, but I went with it now, after done some talking and all she ended up putting the saddle on it and all, and after making life contact with the horse, we'll understand that he didn't like the idea of having me riding on his back. Now she'd was gaining speed on me and am staying behind, "REMEMBER AM A PRO" so I went for it, spurs and all I gained speed.
As I rode by her all I manage to say was "tried to catch me." OK that was translated to "HELP ME!" but as a pro I couldn't afford to say that.
As we rode I learn how to turn left, right, stop, and yield, which she'd pointed out when she'd got the first chance, now to your information my reply should had been, "LET'S GET ME OFF THIS ANIMAL AND GO HOME!" but I ended up seeing her for almost two and a half years. So I guess risking my life for a date it's not something I would really debate. Now the whole point should be that even if I don't know it, I'll go for it.
Thank you dough
Hope this here
Tells you more
About me
THE RUDE AWAKE OF A GRATEFUL MISTAKE
Peace!
October 18th, 2007
Yes! I call this personal because of what it is other than that it would just be another piece of my tales. As I believe I'm more like "do" and don't worry about the consequences (sort of like it used to be). But I know it's got to change for some reason. And that is bold my bold way of doing things. I could say that friends are quite an experience to have on my point of view, why? Well because as someone that wouldn't like to be lied to I've had tried my best not to do so myself. (No such of Â-- good job) Ok even though I've have some friends that know me inside out, there's plenty that don't know me at all. And really that's not the way things are, it's just what I chose to do. Why? Well! (Simple) I don't like to be judged as given any kind of pity. Which it wouldn't change a thing you know. Plus there's many ways to deal with bad news and complaining about things are not one of the ones I would suggest. For instance the main reason why I am into this jam is because I follow one of my softest feeling. (A girl) and as for being the type that gives 100.01% of everything. I've got caught up on the spot and I knew then that I was in trouble, but am working my best to make things up for the best, but it's not looking too good so far, because as for not only getting a letter every two months or longer, she also go around (Relaxing) on charges. You know I figure it would be a lot easier to deal with this situation by having someone that you know you're going to need next. Well that would be about the last thing am going to hear, as for the person is in more need than I'm, surely the struggle of being in a place like this would be the last thing that comes to my mind, sure I like to fly out and search for new way out. and no am not just another "nut" here in no-where-land, but to stay sane I gotta send my soul to someone that would not mind sparing a bit of time reading my thoughts but I don't know there's a lot more than that. And I surely can't come up and just say it. For what I read about such a stimulating feeling of unloading your thoughts to someone, but surely I would do so bit by bit. And to start I could say that am good at solving someone's troubles and tribulations as for mine are quite hard yes! That's weird but it's just how it.
I've have had relationships where am intended to think out solutions for some things happening to my companion and puff! Am at it solving it yeah! People tend to think I've feel sorry, but I don't. Those same ones give up at the end, I grew up in a violent environment.
Mom kind of had hard time coping with situations the same ones that require someone to make a living, and the absence of dad made things harder. For all of us now there's the other guy, (even harder), because I've now have to know how to deal with being wrong, but also of being the blame of everything all the time.
But I outgrew all of that, and I've had the chance to ask her (mom), "What what's that all about?" her answer surely didn't make sense at all as I could see life about this point, it's an act. The one you've out to do your best to make it matter every move you do.
And if there's a need for you to ask well just do so, because if I was to have the nerves to had asked, I wouldn't be where am at.
Not that I regret, but it surely would have been different, I started working at a young age. Learn how to survive in every way, yeah! The wrong way too, I could actually say that I was the only 15 year old kid with $1000 in his pocket. But all of that didn't teach me how to be better it just kept me to where I constantly get in trouble. So many did good.
But later am also breaking my head thinking of why I can't do that for myself? Ok I've haven't found no answer for the one question yet. As for I find a lot of peace into being in doing this (writing you about who I am) but I also practice my beliefs. As not as good as anyone else's but am trying. I still love life and anything that's got to do with that.
So at this point am going to keep living...
Peace
P.S.: As I intend to learn new things, I've started drawing so someday soon I'll be sending you guys something! Peace.
October 22nd, 2007
I could only think of those times when childhood was to be lived not a worry in the world about what was to be done next. Anyways for now as life and things are just following their course, all I could say is thank you for taking the time to listen to my said. It's not that I don't know you've have more than one individual to deal with and I sure know that you've can't single me out from the crowd. It'll take more than just a thought to gain that, but I sure don't have a problem mentioning my mind's thinking to anyone.
As you can see I've tried to tell you some how the way that I do certain things.
And due to the experience that am going through at this point am changing day by day. And if you've wonder if I need someone to feel sorry. Well! Not! Because like we've put it here when someone sounds like a victim well, "It's part of your problem". And surely am not the one who put you here. Also anyhow if I was to be ask what kind of help do I need? Well I should say that I've need to get my social life back in the road and gain knowledge about anything possible sort of like general things I don't see me not being able to connect and any ground possible yeah! It took me this to learn what the needs in life should be to get through with your everyday problems.
Now get a lawyer trade places with a doctor, or vice versa.
They wouldn't find their way out of any situation as I figure instead of just sticking to just one I could take the time that's been given to me at this point and use it to learn about how to do something better and useful. Yes! Between words I could say that I like to help. No matter how bad they say the army is doing, I would like to go there and do something to help, but that's just a thought of course. I know they need more stand-up guys, and I know from where am at., I can't qualify. So if possible I wouldn't mind any recommendations of what's available.
How should I say if there would had been someone to point me the right direction I wouldn't be in the jam that I'm in at this point.
But who else to blame besides myself? (No one!) So I'll just go alone with this until am done. But that doesn't stop me from knowing about the things that are going on out there, yes! Its crazy seeing all those kids with their killing mentality thinking the violence could fix their problems, but for experience I could tell you where they've started at! (Home.) Parents either too busy to listen or way too much tolerance, or not enough living, you know the type that you love them to the point where you let them do whatever they want.
Now you've created that. Well I know that instead of getting any better they may even get worse. And I should dream on making things perfect. But hear me out it's just a dream! For it's impossible to do so! The odds are against us, and we're not in no position to make such a choice.
Now I dream of a better life, a life without problems, and I should made that a fact. Since am able to do so, at this point am working on my body, and mind, to prepare for the long journey ahead of me. And as much as I would like to change everything there's to be fixed, I could just start with me but after that I could just say that at this point I do feel very confident about things and I'll know that if there's a problem now am surely wont crawl up and wait till it goes away, sure I could waste my time and get into sports, watch T.V. all day, or just be up to no good, but I rather learn about the life I've been wasting and fix it of course. Now that I got that out of the way I would like to have a way to know if there's anyone else involved in this chatter but me? Am just asking, but I sure want to mention that my goal is to reach normality. Which is simple for many others, but quite hard for me. I wouldn't say hard but I know it'll take more than the effort.
Anyhow this is it for now.
October 27th, 2007
As of today I've been pretty strong dealing with this time, but lately I've been wondering what's like to be normal.
I know how this sounds, but really am weak at doing this, ok. Within my inside, I've just met "Matt Black" a formal singer yeah! Here in prison. How did I manage to do so? Well long story short they've have a program that's called "Bill Glass". You've probably heard of it? So you know they've just come here. And am quite pleased to say that it's been quite a while since I've thought normal, different, straight and speak to someone that I don't have to be careful of what I say. And after he's more life anyone of us and no one requires "him" to give us no time "free time" he still does it. And I just put my mind into his situation and wonder if I could be doing the same thing if I was to have the same choice, well! I don't know, yeah! I figure that religion has a lot to do with that, and surely I wonder what going to happen about four years from now? The only thing I've have to say is that am getting ready for the day to come. I know am build strong and wise, but I've have to say it's not enough. Now I surely won't give up on anything and I've have just about enough to go through anything and get out, and yes! Am speaking of this situation, I surely can say that there's been times that I've been scared to death about something. But it's just the sight of the moment. Like a fight. Surely I don't want to get that far, but here it's about the best solution and surely I've gotta use it, but I use my weakness to my best advantage, like yeah! It'll get ugly, and I let my opponent to get as far as I would let him, yeah! I know how to get around, but as I do I keep my mind into winning. And puff! There it is, am back on top, but I never looked back, hard to say but if someone just knew how I get on hard situations, here understanding goes either way so explaining just proves you're guilty. So I don't even bother. How can someone see you more or less than a human? Shoot my dog was treated better, (oh! By the way I miss him). I don't know if I could make it at certain points. You see am a calm type of guy, and surely I don't mess with what I know is a losing situation, but at some points, well, you know! Ok! Enough of it I'll be picturing good things like walking in the middle of a desert. (Yeah! That good.) somehow I think how can I not know what I was getting myself into / if the many skills that I've have would let me get out, I'll be free in no time but surely am a bit too late to plead.
You know am a sports fan, but I surely can say that soccer is what I've rather practice not only because is what I like, if not because it's different and very physical, and very challenging. And sure my whole life it's been nothing but that. A big challenge. Not bad I'll say. Not a dull moment. But now am asking "what if I'd had stopped just for one second?" would I had make the right turn? Would I be a Â... you know I've have no idea of what would I've done a lot of things (good, bad, creative, fun, sad, scary, spectacular, righteous, and thisÂ...:P). Well I've have to say that looking formal was something I would never forget. Now my new goal is to travel Europe, maybe. And learn how to use the website, so I could work and see the world, and give some kind of help to the ones that need it, but sure I would have to retire from this kind of life/ oh! By the way I forgot to mention that at certain point I became a Brush Fire Fighter! Well as growing up in California, just about another bad situation I've went into booth camp, and was given the choice of join the department. As you can see about now I would like to be put and help out, yes sir I would. God knows I would but anyways as I learn this experience. All I can do is wait. And not to mention that I could use any ideas. I know I've been around people with great minds and I found some comparability with them, sort of like things that could be done by me since been created by them. But you know I've always felt that I could come up with something on my own. And when I do, well! It's going to be great well that's one way to look at it.
Well surely I've never thought about giving up on no kind of way, and surely I've had opportunity of doing so. Now out of all the things that's been said on my prior writing till now there's not a lie, but I can assure you there's more to say, but like everyone else's, I don't want my skeletons out of the closet just yet. Anyways happy Halloween.
I don't know if you've gotten my note with me telling you that they misplaced my paperwork on the great "Gastby". Well long story short I've got shook down, (cell search) and they place several paper inside the trash, so I've still have the book, but the rest of it is gone, if there's a way to resubmit it please let me know, ok.
Thank you