The journal of Rogelio A. Luna

Table of Contents:

8 December 2006

...About a year ago I wrote to this CRESP Journal Project. I had never kept a journal before, "How difficult could it be?" I thought to myself. I mean: don't we "thinking people" have all these fantastic thoughts running through our minds, but it's not so easy!

Not easy, or should I say; if it's not a habit you've developed, it seems difficult. I started a journal back in March '06 I wrote a few weeks but I could never get it mailed off. As the months flew by, I'd look over at my dusty journal envelope and by this time, I could see spiderwebs on it...

The more time that past without without any further entries, when I did look at the journal- I dreaded even pulling it out to write...and I realized; " this is how my family and penfriends must feel when it has been a month since they've had my snail-mail stuffed into some kitchen drawer..." "damn it's been a month,"... "they must think and feel guilty about not snatching it up to respond to my long forgotten letter." Another month rolls by and soon its been a year. At that point, I can imagine, they still feel bad, but determined to write at least a little bit since it's been a year.

Now I know EXACTLY how they feel with these emotions tugging at each other. I'm very good at responding to all my mail,...but this J.P. is a challenge. A challenge I will now take on...Because I have this great desire to become a writer. And I've been reading all I can get my hands on in re to becoming a writer. CRESP, via its (Book Project, has sent me wonder fully helpful self-help books. One in particular; "Talking about Writing; A Guide For Tutor and Teacher Conferences, By Beverly L. Clark has been more than valuable. However, It's difficult to be my own tutor/teacher. I learned two very important things from this book; well two among so many; but on p.1, Introduction, it starts that; "Myth #1: about writing: a person is either a born writer or a born nonwriter," ... I believe that the tutor said in re to that myth, "That is not true. One person may be able to write better or more easily than another, but this does not mean writing problems can't be lessened, or even solved." The more I learn, the more I am able to solve the problems I have in writing. I will learn to be a writer. Not a good writer, because "good" is like beautiful, that is left up to the reader to determine if I'm good.

In Part 3, Chap. 13, Journals, p.171, really hit the spot with me. Ms. Clark states; "it's a good idea for tutor and teacher to practice where of they preach --to be writers themselves. A particularly valuable kind of writing is a journal. You could free-write for ten minutes...keeping a journal is a way of thinking about an issue, recording your thoughts, integrating theory and experience...it can also be a place to try out stylistic effects."

She then quotes a teacher, who states that writing a journal can have a therapeutic value, "When I write my doubts and anxieties down on paper it seems to lessen their importance... it puts things into perspective and does not let them blow out of proportion."

Thus I've given much thought into this matter. Obviously I've decided to dedicate some time for my own good, entries into this journal will be beneficial to improving my own writing skills. Plus my desire to share my prison --experience with other people. A poet I've come to admire and one I highly respect is; "Jimmy Santiago Baca," He has a wonderful mind-blowing book; " A Place to Stand: The Making of a Poet," (Grove Press, 2001) it is Baca's memoir and Ive already started my own. (Baca also sis time, at age 21, in the Arizona prison system...back in the late 70s -- prisons have been transformed since then.

...I think I smell...spaghetti, meals on wheels has just arrived. Yep! Spaghetti! I will pause here and quote an inspiring passage from Bacas book. PAUSE...

9 December 2006

...Baca writes..."if prison was the place of my downfall, a place where my humanity was cloaked by the though fabric of the most primitive manhood, it was also the place of my ascent. I became a different man, not because prison was good for me, but in spite of its destructive forces. In prison I learned to believe in myself and to dream for a better life." I can totally relate , and while Baca says that, "Language gave [him] a way to keep the chaos of prison at bay and prevent it from devouring [him]; it was a resource that allowed [him] to confront and understand [his] past, even wring from it some compelling truths, and it opened the way towards a future that was based not on fear or bitterness or apathy but on compassionate involvement and a belief [he] belonged." I've thought about this ever since a program host from one of the Pacifica Radio Foundation stations- Houston's 90.1 fm, her name is Anna Nunez, her show was -- "Latino Voices," she interviewed Baca and later mailed me his book -- in 2003. Yes, prison is the place of our downfall -- a downfall many think is simply the crime for which we've been convicted of; however, I know that is a falser cover up belief. A belief that prevents them from confronting the deeper issues. Our-downfall- is not only the crime of conviction, but it's the whole damn lifestyle -- we Latinos refer to it as La Vida Loca; barrio life. It's the whole lifestyle, how we are conditioned to fall, it's the way we live that gets us walking down the path that ultimately leads us to the grave or prison. And prison as the place of our ASCENT -- for some of us -- it is, for others who NEVER experience "an awakening" they learn to live in prison and never dream of a better life, away from prison. They spin in the illusions of their egos -- wanting to be viewed by others as real hardcore cons. That mentality barrs a person from that awakening. The awakening or transformation must come form within. AS w/drug addict; first one must acknowledge there is a problem. Prison life is addictive!!

Baca used language to escape this chaotic landscape. He aspired to become a poet --as I do. My growth occurred due to my wrongful conviction. Unlike Baca, I at least knew how to read -- perhaps at an 8th grade level, I could write, not much better than today...HA! But fighting via legal jargons and mazes and petitions really do something to the mind. They scared the hell out of me. It was a challenge, and being wrongfully convicted -- that was motivation enough! [And my desire to be reunited w/my wife and our sons...] I struggled and tripped over all these law books, but I continued to pick myself up.

For myself, it was the law books that brought me out of my 'cosmic egg.' It cracked, I saw the light, I saw life through different eyes. Thousands of stories, are captured in law books; of victims, of violence so pointless, everything. I learned what really-BAD characters could be like...I did not want to keep living a life behind bars, trapped in the cold cages of Ad, seq. I knew that I had to educate myself. NOT just to be heard in the federal courts and not just for a retrial, not just for my freedom -- NO! I had to re-educate myself in the mindset I had. Where twisted concepts of meanings are distorted. Where having; "Heart" means you were willing to fight anyone, no matter how petty the reason. Where; "Respect," is using your fist to gain what should be earned solely by being yourself. The ego trip is one I got off of.

While my fellow prisoners were playing headgames, or drowing in football stats, etc etc I was reading law books trying to understand what the heck the judges were saying. While they found penpals, I wrote petitions/motions. While they gambled with the money sent to them from their mothers purse, I used my money to order law books and legal magazines.

Yes, for me it was the law books. Later after my case was barred from the district court , and dismissed up to the U.S. Supreme Court, and after TDCT pr4ohibited inmate/inmate correspondence -- I could no longer assist others- who really needed advice/tips what not, thus my attention turned to studying my Mexican culture, which I already knew a lot of, but I learned a lot more. I was never interested in poetry, until I wrote Angela. She won a superbowl bet, where I had to write two pages everyday for 30 days. Ten I had to write a poem. If she'd lost, she'd have to take 13 sexy-erotic pictures fro me...Not nudes, I wouldn't put a woman through that. Besides we still had 'privates,' 'penthous,' and other such rags.

Besides my wife -- melva-... Angela was the one person who got me to open up. She somehow opened the floodgates to my emotions, the portal to my soul. That was back in Y2K (2000). Today, we are still good friends. Yeah, I didn't get to "stripe" her down, but she "striped" me down in a more profound manner. Angela made me feel that I belonged. That I mattered.

She majored in Language Arts, so naturally she invited and motivated me to get serious about writing -- and about life. No person had ever told me; ME! A 9th grade dropout -- I had only attended 8th grade for a total of 21 days and they still "passed" me up...I digress, no one told me that "I had a way with words, in how I told her stories about my childhood. She enhanced my self-respect, she lifted me up.

She'll always hold a tender place in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. Angela and her children mean a lot to me. I do what I do for my two sons; Chucky & Randy Lee...but my thoughts also carry melvas two other kids, and Angela's as well.

One day...one day I will be worthy of her time and heart, today writing has kept me alive. I now love poetry. I get lost in it. The sounds created by language, the metaphors, the different forms, I can't get enough...and I've yet to find a penpal who loves poetry as much as I do...enough for this entry...I pause.

20 December 2006

... An idea popped to mind...to design a water-fountain (size?) w/the rim being the face of the Mexican calendar- excluding the first inner circle. Use each concentric- ring w/the otter ring leveled at about 301/2 feet tall; 3 feet in, the next ring is elevated about 2 feet; then 2 feet in, the next ring; the day signs is elevated 1 foot w/water flying as high as 4 feet. The walls need to be w/ceramic tiles. Design soon...

22 December 2006

For the last couple of weeks Ive been waiting at my cell door like a sick puppy, one starvin for affection...w/my thoughts on what parole will decode, being lost insofaras what will I do if I in fact get out? My mind is ready, but I know that once I get into that situation -- out of these walls -- will I simply take it as it comes? Or get out and make things happen? Will I, like many others, be afraid? Will I adapt? That's a scary thought.

Despite my emotional uncertainty, Im determined to make it outside. I'll not follow how others did it, I'll develop in my own time, abiding my parole stipulations, and making sure I do not violate any. Everything else, I'll have to deal w/each issue/issues as they arise.

I will make it!

On another front; I got a sort of "Dear John," letter. Yep, Angela. Once again she feels the need to move on w/her current BF. Which I totally understand. What I do not understand is that for months, it was she that insisted that we hook up once Im out. While I was keeping my distance, I wanted to build on our friendship, and once Im out we'd see what would become of us. But no! She kept wanting more. But we both understand that for the last 4 years, we have only been friends. We once had a "love-relationship" but she got married on me w/a man from Peru, who she had known for a week. She explained it all to me and I understood. I was deeply in love w/her. And I still am. However, to get back into a relationship w/her would be difficult. After she left her Peruvian husband (who was abusive, controlling etc) we resumed our friendship. At one time I did want to re-establish a love-relationship, but she rejected me w/logical-reasoning. I agreed and still do. Thus we know that we greatly each other and we want to share so much views, we are alike in so many ways. We acknowledge, that, yes we have that love for each other, but she needs the physical aspect, that touch, that feel, that smell, the love of a real live man, and not just the thoughts and erotic writings of a prisoner. I admitted to love, were our roles reversed; she locked up, me out there, yeah I'd never stop writing I know what this is, but I would need to have real physical contact w/a woman. Perhaps the "no strings" deal. But I would.

So it was that we agreed to leave that alone and keep the friendship. We even stopped talking about the sexual lust we have for each other. 'Cause she had a BF. I was up for parole, she broke up w/him and started talking about what I would do now...that she was single, and not looking...she said it was about us. That I better call her the day I get out. I was still telling her, when I get out, we'll get in touch and take it from there. She made me promise that I'd never ever abandon her. That I'd never cut her out of my life. That's I'd never sever this beautiful emotional tie that connects us as soulmates.

And a week before x-mas I get a 'good-bye" letter. She is in love with a new man. She broke up w/over a year BF in sept. and already she's in love w/another? To where she felt that she must say good-bye forever to give her all, 100%, to this new committed relationship. And I totally understand her need to want to be in love, to have a real man. While I feel her on that, I worry that once AGAIN she's confusing good sex-or lust or her neediness w/love. She's admitted that she's admitted that she is like my fanta-c girl- J.Lo that she loves the idea of being in love.

I wish her and her kids the very best in life.

Perhaps in 5 to 10 years I'll fully understand why she felt this need to say goodbye to our friendship and not the "I'll write ya later, when I can. This is not a good-bye, but I'm in a committed relationship and I don't feel right in keeping our letters going..." As she did when she got married. Then w/her BF -- the Roofer, then w/her BF 'J'; each time she explained it was not a good-bye. And that she's help in whatever I needed. And not once did I disrespect her. I only wrote when she wrote to me.

The last words to her goodbye letter , after months of lifting my hopes to a possible relationship once I'm out, etc., she wrote her; "please dont ever write to me again."

As I write, I've much emotions flowing thru my heart, my mind, my soul, I feel anger, happiness,.. one that its clear she lied to me. She misled me, made me promises and demanded I promise her that I'd never abandon her, she said, that I was her soulmate...and all this, she did not have to lie. We did not have a relationship. She had a BF. I could have had a GF. We were only friends. She did not have to lie, not to me, not to herself. That has me mad at her. Disappointed. However, I'm happy for her. I truly wish that this time it is true love. I wish she has found a man like myself, she claimed she could not find one like me. I'm happy 'cause it is true, that in order for her to give her heart, she'd have to forget my love. But will we ever forget that one person we truly loved? I hope it works out for her. She's young (33), she's hot, very intelligent, she has got a while to live.

She's been in/out of relationships, that I honestly think that it wouldnt have worked out w/us. The trust factor would mess w/me. She met a man 10 yrs. Older and w/in a week she married him. She met a man and w/in months claimed it was true love. Only for 9 months to pass and tell me it wasn't . She just doesn't give it time. I just don't know anymore.

I'll write next year, despite her p.s. I feel that I did nothing to deserve4 that type of goodbye. But goodbye it will be. I hope she is wise enough to take heart what I have to say. Mainly that my friendship will always be for her. I will hold no ill will towards her. I respect her wish to move on.

Were our roles reversed ...and I loved her, she'd have to accept an 'open relationship' or its; not goodbye, but laters, we will see each other later...perhaps its for the best...

25 December 2006

Happy Birthday JESUS! Happy Birthday to you! Even though we really don't know your true birthday, oh well it's too late! Year after year its still a mystery to me, what O' Saint Nick and Rudolph and his gang of magically flying 'homideers' have to do w/the birth of a God? I still believe the Christine folks saw the so-called pagans celebrating the winter solstice and they had to find a way to incorporate their belief w/the pagans w/the goal of converting them. ( I guess that was better than what was done to my people here to establish this nation) -- sort of like w/the Spanish Europeans down south in Anahuac, how they utilized the Virgin Mary, who it is claimed appeared to a Mexica "India" named Juan Diego, the Virgin Mary appeared and Mexica/Aztec woman...in this way the Europeans were able to better convert the indigenous people into the Catholic Church. Behind the Virgin Mary is a lot of Mexica/Aztec mythology.

Every year people are so dogmatic about syntactic nonsense. Who doesn't know that x-mas means 'Christmas?' (like X-tina is Christina Agulera) or that happy holidays refers to x-mas. Why don't people focus on what Jesus was really about? Do most people really love their neighbor, as they love themselves?

Dec, 22nd is am important religious date for Latinos --those that are Catholic which most are. And what did ICE give out for x-mas this year? Oh we love people so much. Today, I feel such a sadness, for my sons, I truly wish I could be home w/them. At times like this my mind is filled w/thoughts of them. And now since 12-22- w/the x-mas round ups of the so-called 'illegal people' all those kids whose parents were picked ip must be so sad...imagin that; your only crime is crossing a manmade/forced border to work to be able to feed your family. I hear folks talk about, yes, yes go raid all these food packaging factories, raid'em all, and deport all the illegal people. And I wonder; why not go out to the farmers? Out there, people working the fields, picking all the crops...why not raid the fields while people are w/full baskets of asparagus, cherries, lettuce, potatoes...go at lunch time. ICE would pick up a lot of people.

I grew up working in the fields, we are farm-workers. My dad, mom, and older brothers marched w/ Chavez and Mrs. Dolores Huerta...they were "en la lucha" (in the struggle) and we still are.

The whole immigration issue has a lot more to do w/peoples fear of change. Its not simply the 'illegal' status. That's an excuse, a coverup. The resent raids were because of the reported "identity theft," but of the over 1,200 arrested in six states, I heard on NPR that only 60 something are actually being charged w/identity theft.

My belief is that the rich white folks, i.e, the Christian Right-Wingers see the Latino growth as a security threat to the "English only" mentality, to the concept that the U.S. is a "white" nation. The fact that we-Mexicans- do not assimilate as African people have, or like other "races" have melted down. They toss their "race" out to embrace the generic term of "American." ( And I bet most folks don't know how the land became/ or was re-named 'America,' look up Amerigo Vespucci). On NPR I heard on "To The Point," Sarah Terrie was sitting in, she used a term Ive never heard before. I wish I could e-mail her, I would. She used the term "Indigenous Muslims" vs, Immigrant Muslims relating to people, i.e., Black people born here who convert to Islam and "Indigenous Muslims,: and Muslims who immigrate here. She seemed to imply that; white/black people are indigenous to this land. A term that I believe has been used for-my people- we the native people.

I believe groups like the "minute myn" and others that kicked up this issue and strongly promoted HB 4437 -which was what united the Latinos nationwide to march in protest of that bill, and I really believe that had the Latinos and ALL the other compassionate/Pacifica people that march w/the Latinos, had none of that happened; No school walkouts, no marches, Congress/Senate would have passed this HB 4437. Had it passed, I believe we would have had riots everywhere. This when this D Congress gets back to work, they more than likely will draft/pass a 'more positive/fair' immigration bill.

In short I wished people could/would look at the human side of this issue and get off the capitalist greed. I often ask anti-immigrants, which to me equals anti-Latinos; "What would you do if the roles were reversed?" Meaning if the U.S. was the 'poorer' country and Mexico was the place you knew you could go find good work, sot aht you could sned that money back home and y'knew that to do it "legally," you need to have money, you need to own land, you need all types of things, that you don't have for the simple fact that you're poor. Plus it takes years. So wouldn't you do wht you had to do? You wouldn't go into Mexico to rob, steal, etc, youd go to work. Now wouldn't you go? Mexicos number one income is the money Mexicans send back home - that should say something.

Oh well, happy holidays to one and all. I wonder what my sons received today...

28 December 2006

I should mail this out after the first. I told myself I'd do it at least once a month.

Every Thursday @ 9pm I tune into a program on KPFT 90.1 [herein after just KPFT, Pacifica only has 5 stations, up in NY its WBAI, one of my favorite shows is Democracy Now! w/Amy Goodman and cohost Juan Gonzalez...Pacifica is non-profit, commercial free, listener sponsored]. The show is; "the OTherside," hosted by Glen O. and Dr. Stacy Davis. I've been tuning in for about five years. It's a callin show, and I've only written once. I think they ignored what I had to say, maybe 'cuz its snailmail. Lately they've touched topic that have me reaching for the mighty pen. I enjoy the show and overall I agree w/Glen sometimes, and w/Dr. Davis all the time. I can't wait to be able to call in. Last night the topic came up about some new Christian museum, that they would only hire people who believed in the 'whole' Bible -I take it the King James version- as true. That if a person didn't believe the concept of the creation of the humans/earth in a 6 day-24 hr day period, then you wouldn't be hired. I agree w/Gen and Dr. Davis on that issue. I, like they, don't believe that is a 'literal' meaning. I also think that if the Supreme Creator wanted to, such a creator would have simply snapped its mental fingers and be done w/it. The Bible says that the Creator worked at it, and I doubt out 24 hr periods are the same to our creator.

Then a caller chimed in; in re to the immigration issue, and opened the issue of that she simply hated when Mexicans started speaking Mexican, which is Spanish (ha), Dr. Davis said that she is baffled as to this type of arrogance and ignorance about the English oonly stance, and its true. I'd of added, that people that believe that all U.S. citizens, should speak English only - I take it by force? Fines and imprisonment? - But w/in the next minute such a person would also defend the 1st Amendment; the freedom of speech, which the U.S. Supreme Court has long held that this speech includes; languages. But that fact flies over peoples heads. The 1st Amendment has a second safeguard which is the freedom of expression, that also protects languages. Then what most folks forget but not us, is that the Treaty of Hidalgo at Guadalupe still lives on. The treaty that passed over all this western part of the U.S. into the Union. This treaty protects our language, our culture, our religion, etc.

The caller said, "well, I don't know if they are talking about me or what."' And I'd say; "Hey lady, if someone is going to talk about you they can do so even in English, it's a weak reason for trying to make/force others to speak English."

29 December 2006

Today at mailcall I received a pamphlet I requested from "The Long Ridge Writers Group.com" they sent me a "writing test" and I must pass this test in order to be considered for enrollment. It doesn't say how much the courses cost, 'cuz I don't have any type of money to pay fees. Yet, I'll still complete this test and see what the instructors editorial comment will be.

The first section is basic general info. Hmmm, what should I put down for : occupation? President of the U.S.? Oh no, I think Dick C. has that job. Opps my bad, that's Bush... yeah right! I'll write in occupation: U.S. state slave, re 13th Amendment. On education it starts at "some high school- up to post-graduate degree," no slot for middle school. Man, Im in trouble! Special interests/hobbies: interest...women (HA), hobbies: drawing, sketching blueprints for my dreamhouse, reading, poetry, oh and women.

What book have I enjoyed recently? "Talking About Writing" : Dreams and Inward Journey A Reader for Writers, by Marjorie Ford & Jon Ford. And Jimmy Baca's "A Place to Stand - the becoming of a poet."

What magazines/newspaper do I read? Penthouse, Cosma, USA Today, San Antonio Express News, Stuff, FHM, Fortune News, Prisoner Express News...[the following is what I will write down]

Part 2: Why are you interested in writing? (In a brief paragraph, give us some background on your interest in writing. How long have you had this interest? How did it develop?)

"In 1993 I received a letter from my court appointed lawyers, who had informed me they had exhausted all legal remedies. Webster told me what that meant. I learned that not all remedies were exhausted. It was all they were required to do by law. Thus, I picked up some law books, bought a good dictionary for 4 coffee bags and I set off on a journey of drafting legal petitions, and researching, etc etc. I learned to read/write by copying sentences and holding Webster w/in arms reach. In drafting motions, over the years all the legal jargon got frustrating. Then I read John Grisham, "The Client, the Runaway Jury," etc. Since then I've had a strong desire to write fiction. To create my own world, and put them on paper. That is how my interest developed. I draw as well, and I create images in my mind, prior to completing a piece I already know what it'll look like. I wish to capture this creativity on paper. To translate these visions into words, that's my goal."

Part 3: Think like a writer: (An essential task for any writer is careful observation. The people you write about must come alive on the page. In this exercise, select the important details that distinguish the person you're describing. In 30-50 words, describe one of the following: a person in a long supermarket line w/ an inept clerk at the checkout counter. [etc etc] Tip: look for facil expressions, gestures, body language, and clothing style, listen for the voice inflections.)

"Angela practically pranced into my study, "Guess what?" she asked excitedly. She paced as I checked her out in her black Armani suit, hugged her body, it was pinstriped. She kicked off her black sensible heels, smiling, her eyes danced. "Hurry-guess!" Her arms swung to and fro, she rolled her eyes, she sighed and gave up. "I'm the new C.E.O.!!" She punched the air with each letter.

30 December 2006

proceed to my Part 4, before I do...the big news...they killed Saddam...I am anti-death penalty, not only 'cuz I could have been a deadman- walking and perhaps dead today. Killed courtesy of TOCJ/USA. But because: 1) state sponsored murder does not deter crime 2) it has more to do with revenge and is based/supported by mainly religious groups 3) the judicial system is 'twisted,' note it is not the "criminal JUSTICE system" Ive learned long ago that our courts are in fact "courts of law," judges must follow the laws as mandated by legislatures, jurys must apply the fats of the laws as instructed by the judges...Justice is a two sided deal. O.J.? was justice done? 90% of the people would say no. But according to the court, he was found not guilty, then to O.J's fans (or whatever) they'd say justice was done. The victims families say justice was not done. Had O.J. been found guilty, the opposite would be true. I can go on/on w/a list of why not. But in re to Saddam; yes he was a cruel dude. However what he was hung for he committed those acts while still buddies w/the U.S., in 1982, and even after that gave the dud weapons to do even more damage. But what of the WMD's? What of the so-called 9/11 ties?... oh well, now I gotta go clear my mind and do part 4.

31 December 2006

I spent the day (yesterday) in bed, just reading "Poetry by Pablo Neruda," edied by Ilan Stavanis 2000, the creativity of this man's heart is awesome. I love his 'ode's' and his "love sonnets." One day I'll buy all his books for my library.

Today w/my first cup of coffee I read the 12-26- USA Today paper - an article by Andrea Stone (front pg.), titled; "More Officials in Midwest, South Adding Spanish Lessons to Training; Immigrant Population Growing Outside West." It returns to the concept of "forcing" an English only vs. a voluntary English. It is cities are sponsoring Spanish courses so government workers can speak to the people they SERVE. I believe that is the key. I have taught a lot of guys here to speak English. I encourage them to learn English. I have copied pages - by my hand from GED booklets, where I compose sentences so they can work on. Everyday I'll do a "Spanish/English" of Everything I'd say to them. I'll say: "Que rollo?"/"What's up?" "Ilevantate, el platon ilego"/"Wake up, the food has arrived." So I support learning. If I was around other people that spoke another language , I'd want to learn it.

...Fuck! I hate this shit Im so sadden at this moment... over on another wing they just had someone hang himself, I think they got to him in time. Now the 'hardcore' inmates are talking shit, that the guy was weak-minded, etc etc. I'd bet they didn't even know the man. I know these fools wont call me, the last time this happened on our wing-at the time of Hurricane Rita, ? Sept 24th? we were in pitch blackness - like in a cave. We could see nothing, we have no windows, we know what time it was 'cuz of someone's wristwatch - digital w/light, breakfast came and went w/no sight of food nor the goon squad. Lunch...nothing. Late in the evening they brought us Johnny sacks, when they used flashlights they found someone hanging. Afterward, we were still in the dark and the hardcore/cold cons started making fun of that man. Someone dragged me into the conversation and I was already mad. That night I made about 15 enemies. Cause how could they be so cold blooded to be making fun of him?

Its very difficult to talk about this,... but as I tell these guys, that I speak for my own bones, I hope that I NEVER get so down/depressed, to the point where I think that is the best option to take. The breaking point for everyone is different. We cope differently. I told you the guys her that I'd bet that a lot of them are "copping" (w/the suicide attempt) by clowning on the situation so as to avoid thinking about it. I said, "your not man enough to sit down and look why the f-- your making fun of someone who just tried to kill himself, 'cuz if you think about it, you'll cry, you'll cry at the sadness of this shit." Ad. Seq. breaks another...

Yeah, I just heard a reference to the last time... I hate this shit. 15 years and I stll can't get used to the apathetic attitudes that prevail in the innerworld.

It's 10:45 pm on KPFT it's 'Black' oriented programs, but they discuss human issues that pertain to all peoples. So I pay attention. The show I like starts at 11 p, "community dialogue" w/Cliff Smith, an African Nationlist. Well, he's a U.S. citizen - born here but love and believes in the "mother land."

O.K. now back to my "writing test," and this is a New Year's resolution for me - I never make resolutions not for New Years, but this year I will. I want to start describing things and using metaphors. 10:55 p.

Part 4: Tap into your experiences: many beginning writers start w/what they know. Over the years, your job reading, education, training, hobbies and interests have gien you a wealth of knowledge. Capitalize on what you know by turning that information into a how-to write step-by-step instructions to show a reader how to do something that you know well. Choose a skill that can be described briefly, perhaps in 10 steps.

Title: How to Do Legal Research

1) In gathering the facts you ask the 5 w's and how.

a) What was done? b) Who did it and to whom? c) When was it done? d)Where was it done? e) Why was it done and how was it done?

2) Analyzing the facts:

a) Parties involved in the case b) Places where the facts arose and objects/things involved c) Basis of the case or issue involved d) Defense to the action or issues e) Relief sought

3) Identifying the legal issues:

a) Find the statutes - the law b) Read the literal text of the law c) Update the law via sheperdizing

4) Arranging the legal issues

a) Cite the legal standards b) State the facts as to how the law applies to the facts c) state the legal conclusion in a concise manner

Part 5:

Happy New Years!! Its 12 A 2007, my clock is fast but I know it's 12, 'cuz my fellow prisoners are using those primitive prison fireworks...their rhino boots and state issued "wino shoes" to kick on these high secured steel doors...the banging is chaotic, and someone w/strong legs creates these vibrating booms! Its thundering...Now slowly the bangings fade off... Now the clamor will go on for a while...I used to participate in this activity but I usually stay away from the door. I think I'm too old for that.

But as I kick back, the start of 2007, I reflect that this year is significant in many ways to me; firstly, come 2-7-07 I would've married 20 years to Melva Mireya, my little angel...I was 14 a week shy of turning 15 on 2-15-87, she was six months older. We got married at her grandmas house. No one but her grandma liked me - well her sister who is about six months younger than me, later, I felt her mom came to love me as a son. Yes, we would be looking at our 20th anniversary this year (all the would of's, could of's). I believe that, had I not come to prison, we would still be as one our song back in 1987 was "Two of Hearts that Beat as One," I wonder if our sons know that? We got divorced in March 2001, we both knew she had to move on, life is not meant to spend it alone - w/out human contact. Its difficult. So I agreed to let go, but I know neither of us have really let go of hope. A couple months ago my oldest niece - Maria- told me she (Melva) still loved me and missed me, and that for sure, regardless if we get back together we will have sex. HAH! Yeah, we can't deny that.

Also this year our oldest son - Chucky- will be 18on 1-25 I truly hope that he has read and understood all I've shared with him over the years Some young men nowadays feel that; oh, now they're 18 so f-- it, they can do whatever, whenever. But we still have parents, the respect must be kept strong. I wonder if he is out partying? Does he drink? Does he get high? I don't know any of that. No one tells me. I ask, it's a ghost question that disappears off my letters 'cuz they never answer it.

Some retard up on 2-row thought that "fireworks" w/out the smell of something burning wasn't cool. So he made his OWN bonfire, its burning in front of his door as I write. It's a huge stack of newspapers - he went fishing for more newspapers, then popped the socket. They'll probably charge him to repaint the burnt door. Oh well, everyone is laughin' havin' fun cutin up. I'll pause for today...

It's 2:30 am 2007, I was hearing stories about what people used to do for New Years, I recall, we -my family- would always kickback at the house -my dads- prior to 1-1 he'd he'd buy a good sized pig or goat, and we'd have it tied in the backyard, then sacrifice him the Aztec warrior's way, yep! Then we'd fix him up for different dishes; tamales, fajitas (if it was a goat) chicharunes - pork skins, trepitas - chitlings, porkchops, etc then for every New Years for sure the beautiful women of the family would make "buenellos" that is a tortilla made with brown sugar mixed in the dough, and cooked on a skillet half way done then flipped into a deep frier, pull'er outand its sprinkled with cinnamon and brown sugar. They are yummilicious! My mom, sister, and whatever sister in laws were at home, would make dozens and dozens of them. We'd all sit around a huge bonfire of half dried out mesquite wood, which is the best for cookouts. My dad would tell us stories of "How it used to be..." beautiful stories. I didn't understand back then but do now. He was scattering the seed, of our beautiful culture.

O.K. Im back w/the test...

Part 5: Focus on a subject to write about...In this part you will take another step toward becoming a writer. To begin, think of several events that you have experienced or observed. They can be funny, annoying or heartfelt. You may think of your first date, a holiday celebration, etc. etc. The person involved may be you or someone you know. Now, on the following lines, make a list of 3 to 5 of these events that you could write about.

1) visit w/my sons

2) my first parole interview

3) Mexican Christmas in Minnesota 1988

Part 6: Write from your life: Look back at the events you listed in Part 5...Now choose the one event that you most want to write about. As you think about it consider the following:

-what happened?

-where did it take place?

-who was involved?

Tip: Not all details are necessary. Choose that will make this event memorable to your reader. Its best to outline your idea and write the first draft on a separate piece of paper. your final draft should be between 250 and 500 words...We'll be looking for originality, style and your aptitude for conveying ideas and feelings. Our main interest in the experience is how you express yourself. ...mmm I'll select number 2. First parole interview. I wonder how these people will react when they read about parole?

4 January 2007

I stopped to think and took too long. Today I got a letter off to Stephen at CRESP Library Project, thanked him for all the chapbook - re to poetry that he put in the mail for me...

On the above story...I don't know how to start, I know what I want to say...just unsure what all I should say. 500 words or les...[Note: I wrote out a 1st draft that was about 1,200 words. 500 words goes by fast! So I've broken the 1st draft and the following is the 3rd draft.] Story...

Every prisoner has hopes of getting out one day. I keep my hope alive by feeding it like I fed my calico cat. He was a prison-born kitten and only had three legs. He was wild at first but I believe my compassion rubbed off on him. He reminded me of myself in my youth. Rebellious! I named him "The Con Cat." I hope he would also make parole, the other hundred or so unit cats were all wild. They fought for their food as most prisoners fight for respect.

Some of us fight to retain our compassion. I've been in this struggle for over 15 years and still today I have hope for parole. Look into my eyes and you will see it there. I began this journey at 19 when parole was like the gibbous moon sitting in the night sky. It was beyond my grasp.

Behind these steel doors, that are inches thick and at one time, they were smooth, but now dented. Dented from elbows, knees and heads that have slammed against the surface. Beds of steel sheets welded onto one inch-wide angle iron, that are imbedded into the concrete floor. This landscape of steel, concrete and razorwires make up the hard life of prison. A place where; fear, pain, anger and cruelty reign supreme. A place where I was drowning in a pool of apathy. How I ever managed to grasp and hold onto this ladder of sanity, so as not to be yanked down, I attribute to my resistance to my faith in out supreme Creator, and to the struggle for social justice.

I immersed myself into the fantastic realm of law. I stood tall as I marched down the labyrinthine halls of Justice. All to no avail. Not if your indigent.

I did not allow this to hold me down. I kept my hope alive. When you're wrongfully convicted your faced with such horrendous hurdles. I draw strength from the knowledge of my innocence. The Halls of Justice are barred to me; Lady Justice holds me at bay with her legal-sword.

I have hope for parole. As an 8th grade drop-out, I've managed to educate myself; Ive received my G.E.D., taken accounting courses, drafting and automotive electronic courses, and yet thirst for knowledge grows. I've a good prison conduct record. I have one major infraction for fighting and another for elmers glue. I make positive choices and I think before I act.

A month shy of 35, and Ive seen parole for the first time. I believe the interview went well. But what lifted my spirits and what made my personal growth in becoming a good man worth it, was all the support letters from my family and friends who described me in such a positive manner. Their words washed over me, and fed into the pool of my hope. Their words meant more to me than some strangers granting my parole.

Yet, I hope for parole, the decision will come, soon.

7 January 2007

Tonight I'll place a letter in the mail to CRESP - Gary and all for the holiday letter I received on 1-5-07. And I am closing this entry and placing it in the mail as well. My next will start 1-8-07.

Rogelio A. Luna

8 January 2007

I was telling my sons about the memoir I started, I asked him to get some special dates from his mom that I need for when I sit down to write the part of my life when I met his mom--Melua 'cuz I was/or I am basically writing the first draft in four parts, for now it'll be four. After I get out, I'll add the fifth part. Part 1 basically covers the family I was born into. A brief intro to who my dad is, my mom and my five brothers and our sister. They all are older than me. I'm writing my sister to see if she'll fill me in on some of the thoughts they had when I was born in 1972. What was going on in Pasco, Washington. I wanna ask my dad--family what exactly were we doing in that city in February? Thus this part covers my early childhood. What I recall, all the moving, all the schools, it seems that we moved every year or so...1st grade was in Del Rio, TX., 2nd grade was in Garden City, TX., 3rd grade in Big Spring, TX., part of 4th grade in Midway, TX., part in Minnesota--this is when I was shamed into adopting the name Roy, rather than Rogelio. I hated that school. I was the only Mexican. Then one day Lupe Garcia came into our classroom, and we used to talk to each other in Spanish. We'd get sent to the principal's office together. They'd bitch at us about this being "America," and that we had to leave that "foreign" language behind. They'd sit us out in the hallway with signs around our necks: "I speak Spanish!" We were happier in the hallway--where we could talk all we wanted. Then 5th grade to 9th was in Del Rio, 2nd year freshmen had classes mixed in with 10th-graders doing the same work--yet we were "fish." But I met my wife in the summer between my 2nd year as a 6th-grader. We met and by the time school started, I was in the 7th grade and she was in the 9th. I flunked the 3rd/6th for lack of attendance--moving...So we met and I think it was 1985 or '86. But we got married on 2-7-87.

My 2nd part starts with my marriage...and I asked my son to get other dates...I've told my son--because he was born in 1989, and when his mom & I got married--she was pregnant, so he asked me: "How was that?" He could never find the words to ask his mom, I knew what he suspected. Yes, a miscarriage. It is a topic that Melva and I never touched, we both acted like it didn't happen. I had blocked that out for so long. I felt I was responsible for what happened. I still feel responsible. And I've been trying to write about it, I tried with Angela, she had her first baby girl at 10, and the baby died months later...It was hard for both of us to talk about it. Every time I wrote about the miscarriage and like now...I get so emotional, I cry now, they were twins...they would be turning 20 this year. In my entry for 12-31 I didn't touch this 'cuz it's difficult to recall it even now.

I won't write why I feel/know it was my fault, but no! It didn't involve any violence--we were 15 years old. We were always...uh..."experimenting," it was a sexual thing we had tried, and after that, a few days later, she was 'spotting'...

Now I was wanting to ask her, what month was that? We got married in February and it must have been a few months later. But...how do you ask your ex-wife: "Hey, I forgot, but can you tell me the date of the miscarriage?" She might be like: "This asshole doesn't even remember!" I simply blocked all of that out. The reason this matters, is that prior to the miscarriage I was good. It was after that when I closed down, I didn't want to "think" about our twins. I hate to "blame" my change--from caring to not giving a fuck attitude. My slogan to anything/everything was "shit happens."

However, I have thought about this issue for a long, long time, over & over; when exactly did I stop caring? And I was reading my wife's old, old letters from back in 1992-93 we wrote a lot of erotic stories, and in one she tells me about the one time--that lasted a few months--that she thought I didn't love her and she didn't say "miscarriage," only that after we got married and "that" happened, which was about the only time I kept my hands off her sexy body. She asked "Were you already cheating on me then?" I hadn't read that letter in years--I did so not long ago (well, it's been a few years, maybe in 2001.) and one night after writing a 25 page letter to Angela, it came to me: What Melva had been trying to talk to me about, and I did not go there. I played it off. I wasn't cheating on her--not at that time, years later I did--but not then. I was afraid to have sex with her. I didn't want to see that pain in her eyes, the way she looked those days laying in that hospital bed, and it was my fault. But that was why I didn't want to have sex. She thought I had another "girlfriend." I recall that after that, I hid my feelings behind weed. I'd get stoned so I wouldn't think about it. I totally blocked it out. Should I write Melva about it after 20 years???

N-E-Ways...So I told Mijo to ask his mom for "all" the significant dates she could think of when certain things happened in our lives. And that I'd write about it.

The 3rd part...I'll pick up tomorrow.

9 January 2007

The 3rd part picks up when I was 19, the night that changed my life, my wife's, my son's, a lot of people's lives changed this night. This night I was with Melva's sister--the three of us were "tight," this is a super long story and it's the part I already have written--at least the first draft--it covers this night--I used my trial transcripts to piece it all together in a "real life" story way. That as opposed to how I've always written about my case in legal petitions. Yes all the legal jargons with just the facts and legal standards to support my contentions. It was a trip writing it out in a story format. It goes up to my arrest, county jail in Washington state, the extradition, the pre-trial, the jury selection and the trial...I'm here now and I'm still not sure how to write out the trial scenes...a lot of flashbacks? I want to capture how lost and little I felt at the huge defense table, how scared I felt sitting with all eyes burning holes into my back. How I saw the jury members, the old judge who seemed to sleep at times, I want to capture some of the physical appearances of the witnesses--things that are not noted on the court reporters record. It's over 1,000 pages.

I'm not sure if I'll end part 3 at or when I caught chain to TDC--now called TDCJ-ID--in April of 1992, and start part 4 with the trip on the van and my arrival at TDCJ's diagnostic unit in Huntsville--this is the TX intake unit. Today they have more than one. Part 4 will cover my 15-plus years as an innocent U.S. state slave. I'll capture how I witnessed the booming growth of this prison industry. How this iron bitch of a beast went from 45 units to over 113 units. [I get to remind people of how effen messed up this prison system was with old Bush Jr. as Governor...] I was going through my old postcards/greeting cards/b-day cards, etc all from '92 till now...I was able to make an outline of all the units I've hit, the ones I've seen, and all the different types of cages I've been thrown in. About 32 cages.

I'll write it all the way up to both of my parole interviews--both within 30 days of each other. After that I guess I'll be done with the first step in this memoir project. I'll have it all down for the day I do get released, I'll make sure to capture that experience down...and keep it going till I get back up on my feet then I'll try to get my memoir published.

10 January 2007

(11:12 pm)

I woke up to catch Curious George give his little speech. His words: "Mistakes have been made," and he is responsible. This from a man that never makes mistakes. I feel the best thing the U.S. can do is let Iraq lift itself up as THEY wish to be. They aren't stupid people. If the U.S. pulls out, they'll settle their disputes and see that they need to get their shit together. If need be, cut the country up. But that's not in the U.S. goals for the Middle East. These neo-cons want to remain in the area, it seems like they want the whole world to do it the "American way." I strongly feel that type of warmongering mentality will be what brings this country down. Not the country, but this government. And who is gonna suffer? "We the people!" 'cuz you gotta know government officials will be protected at all costs. But how about us--we the people? Of course, they come first. I believe all this 'terrorism' shit is smoke & mirrors that the U.S. has another agenda in mind. One called a "one world government" with who but the red, white and blue in total control? The U.N. is just a "model" form for what will be next. 'Cuz out of the 192 countries of the world, 117 are considered electoral democracies. Hell, even Venezuela is a "democratic" nation. But Mr. Chaves doesn't bow down to the U.S.'s agenda, etc, etc. The U.S. Government doesn't like that type of "democracy." People forget that Chavez started talking trash against Bush & gang AFTER the U.S. had a hand in trying to "overthrow" Chavez. What that "coup" lasted about 48 or 72 hours? Since then Chavez has been talking trash. They should have just left the man alone.

When will governments and religious people learn to respect/accept other peoples. They are both always trying to "convert" people. Why not let the next person be what they want to be?

But how can that be, especially here, in a society where the propaganda is just in your face--since 1st grade and even feeds the seeds of hatred of anyone that is different. Like this belief that in this country one must "melt-down," assimilate. I love (or used to love, 'cuz we don't get to hear the TV show "Enterprise" my favorite show.) I've always wanted to see what 7 of 9 looked like--she sounds so hot!! Assimilation is like the Borg! Be like one, act like one, talk like one, cry as one, love as one, hate as one, fear as one, etc., etc. And when those that are brainwashed in that assimilated concept, they find it hard to see and hear outside that box. They can't accept Latinos (or any other people that are different). I was talking to this "white" dude--white, what is that?--he is clearly Anti-Latino and he can't get over using the words "illegal aliens," so I asked, "If they were not "illegal," and we still were as we are today, then would you accept this huge Latino community?" He said, "No." Because all the other issues will still be there.

He insisted the U.S. Constitution mandates that people must assimilate. I offered him a copy of the Constitution. It doesn't say any such nonsense. The 14th amendment is clear, that if a person is born within the borders of the U.S., then automatically, said person is a citizen of that state--therefore--of the union. Now we have this foolish congress dude from TX who is putting forth a house bill to challenge the birthright mandate of the 14th amendment. He calls them "anchor babies." A real loving Christian man, huh. (Attack even the babies!) He--his name escapes me at the moment--but even Rick Perry has said that the bill would be "unconstitutional" but people love to hear this "national security" b.s. They cry about immigrants wasting tax payers money...tax payers money, well how about these types of politicians who already know the birthright law is well settled, the supreme court couldn't change it now, but yet these fools will take it through the legislature, then the district courts, 34 then the circuit courts, then the supreme court, knowing its only political grandstanding showing their hatred on immigrants and encouraging people to also hate. But how many taxpaying dollars will be wasted on this issue? A few thousand dollars? HAH!! I'll go draw...

11 January 2007

Today I woke up to listen to my show on KPFT "The Otherside," and the station was not coming in. It was completely off. Don't know what happened.

I was talking to a guy down the run for a while. He wanted to learn a little about MLK Jr., he's only heard about the "I Have A Dream" speech. I told Bart, MLK had other speeches that were just as powerful. Most people only play the same sound bits off the "Dream" speech. I explained to Bart that I'd rather hear Malcolm X's speeches.

He asked "Why don't we "Raza"--Latinos, have people like MLK, Malcolm X?" I told him that we Mexicans do. We "Latinos" do have our leaders as well. Like Cesar E. Chavez. Bart said, "Okay, besides him?" Well Chavez was the only Mexican civil rights leader that got "national" attention, but there are many. (However, Mexicans/Latinos had always been hidden in the shadows of Barrios across the U.S. Southwest, and I believe that in March '06 we finally stepped back into the sunlight.) N-E-Way...there is MECHA (The Chicano Student Movement of Aztlan). In 1969, David Sanchez founded the "Brown Berets." In 1967, Jose Angel Gutierrez founded MAYO (Mexican American Youth Organization) in San Antonio, TX, along with Carlos Guerra and Mario Compean. Dr Gutierrez made his famous (satire) speech, "Kill the Gringo." No, he did not mean that literally. He spoke about that we did not have to identify our Mexican selves as Gringos--white. Back then we were classified as "White" 'cuz we weren't Black. Dr. Gutierrez grew up and later founded "La Raza Unida Party," which today is one of the largest "Latino" organizations, today it is called "National Council of La Raza Unida," it was renamed in 2003. This grassroots organization started inside Dr. Gutierrez' house. Today he is a professor at the University of Arlington, TX teaching Mexican-American History. He is a certified lawyer and has a PHD. He was/is up for his tenure.

I've read about Prof. Gutierrez since the early 1990's. I read a lot of his essays, always skipped the poetry. (Wish I hadn't!) Then I heard him interviewed on KPFT!!! I was floored! My hero!

Another hero that I heard on KPFT was Reies Lopez Tijerima--el tiger. Also Rodolfo (Corky) Gonzalez--who passed away in April 2005--he was 76. Corky was a Golden Gloves champ turned pro-featherweight. His organization back in the late 60's was "Crusade for Justice" in Denver, Colorado.

And there is Prof. Rodolfo Acuna, a Chicano historian, teaches at Berkeley. His book, "Occupied America," is what is used in universities to teach about Chicano history. There is Prof. Lorenzo Cano at University of Houston teaching Chicano history. There's Luis J. Rodriguez, author/poet. Raul Salinas, author/poet/ex-con. There are so many. I won't get started on the women, like Dolores Huerta, Maria Jimenez who does the NPR Latino USA, etc, etc...

But one man I hear every week from Death Row on KPFT--off of KPFA in Berkeley, CA. they get the weekly calls from Mumia Abu-Jamal. I was able to read his book: "We Want Freedom: A Life In the Black Panther Party" I'll pause for today.

13 January 2007

I finally wrote Angela...I told her: "I know I shouldn't be writing..."however, just as you needed 'closure,' so do I. I wish to say a few things to you and I speak to you as solely a friend would to a friend whom they respect and care for. Read my words in that light."

"You have said your goodbye forever, I will not say goodbye to you. Awhile back you made me promise to never abandon you, nor to cut that tie. I will not. Just know that you will always be welcome to write--any time you so desire. Just recall my last letter...speak to me as only a friend. Nothing more. Whether it's a year or five from now. It is up to you." I said to her. She is big on the "don't ever lie to me" type of person. I continued, "One thing that got me mad about your words--or really the realization that you lied to me. And you lied when you did not have to. But I'm not gonna hold it against you. Cause in the first place--we were friends only--so I don't understand your logic in that aspect."

Angela talked about needing to forget about what could be between us, and she said goodbye. So she could free herself of me and give herself 100% to this new--boyfriend--relationship she is currently in. I got to asking her if I was ever the reason for her leaving the men she's been with. 'Cuz she never told me that it was 'cuz of me, it was, as she said; that they were not who she thought they were. It was always something that "he" did that made her end the relationship. So I go on to say:

"Our past is who we are, our past lovers is one of our experiences. And you're a fool if you think you'll forget me. I know you'll never forget Dave, Joe, Felipe, Javier, nor any of the other men who have made you smile, cry, orgasm, feel alive, etc. I know, I don't compare, 'cuz in your mind, I never was real to you. I understand that. But myself, I will always appreciate you, Angela. I admire you. You inspired me in so many ways. You gave me hope. You brought sunshine to my darkened life. You were a wonderful friend. I'll forever treasure your memory in my heart. 'Cuz of you, I'm a poet today. 'Cuz of you I will become a writer. Your courage and your spirit constantly inspired me and gave me a reason to continue in this abyss of darkness. I live for the hope that one day I will also be able to love a real woman, kind of like you. Compassionate like you, with a lot of the qualities you have. But for today, there is no room in my life for love, or any chance of bringing it back. Love on the back of snail mail is something I wish not to experience again. 'Cuz to me, what is captured on the page--the emotional aspect, is all too real. But the lack of the physical makes it very difficult. However, I always told you it was an 'open' thing--I understand the human needs...needs a toy can't provide. In any case, my heart will always remember that one special love. 'Cuz I appreciate that once its imprinted in the heart, it will remain forever.

"And once I'm free, I will find a 'partner' to share my life with, and I fully understand that a productive and happy life is not something you find, it is something you make. It's what you build. Likewise with love. You're trying to "FIND" something that you will not find. You build it girl!! So go build.

"As a friend, I tell you, to really look at yourself, and please don't spin on the cycles of your past. Don't let the coital high destroy your logic. Don't confuse copulating with real love. I know your tendencies to "rush" things. You have admitted to me over and over how you did not give the relationship(s) time to develop. You desperately wanted to be loved. You've been with this dude for a hot minute. About two months...and you just broke up with the other dude--who lasted a year--I just say give it time. I recall from our Dr. Phil questionnaire that we did, you wished about giving your past relationships more time to develop--more time to grow. So I say: step back, take the copulation out of the way, and see how well you can communicate. 'Cuz that's key! You girl, fall in love too fast and too much. I think that your deal is that you fear being alone. That's why you'll cling desperately to men you do not really love. That is from the fear of being alone.

What strikes me even more today is in your Dr. Phil deal, how you viewed love. Over and over you talked about your "Loving the idea of being in love." You're and intelligent woman, analyze that for your own good.

"P.S. if you want/need all your pics back let me know and I'll mail them to you ASAP."

And I ended the letter. And I still have it. And I don't know if I'll mail it. I'll think about it some more.

Paused...

18 January 2007

It's FREEEEZIN', but I'm really surprised that its not cold-cold in these cells. The other units I've been on, like Coffield (TDCJ's largest unit population-wise--Beto is the largest property-wise) the wings--what other states call "cell-blocks," its weird how in TX we have wings, blocks, lines, pods, and dorms. They are all basically the same. I digress...on Coffield the front wall was made of windows. I'd say 7X7, hundreds of glass windows. In the summertime inmates breakout these windows by making long poles by rolling up their magazines. It's difficult to make. Then with something steel/metal tied to the tip of this magazine staff, they break out a few windows directly in front of "your" cell, which is about 9' away. In front of the windows they have a "wall" like structure made of the chicken wire with the diamond cut shapes you find in cop cars. This is about 2 feet from the windows, which is the reason for the magazine staffs needing to be so long. This ritual is done every year to get fresh air during the hot summer days. That sun bares down on us--and we are trapped like dogs in 5x6 concrete cages. I'd wet my extra sheet, which was a reason to wash it daily, and hang it up on the bars, then I'd sit in the shade it created. But come wintertime and that air would blow in, we'd be cryin' for them to fix the windows!! In that aspect I hated that old-old unit. However it was one of the funniest I was on.

I recall, from '93 till '99 the rec yards in my old unit were 15x15 with three concrete walls maybe 20 feet high with one wall of plexiglass that looked into the pod, so the guards could see into the rec. yard. The whole ground was concrete. So for those six plus years I only walked/ran on concrete. In October '99, I was shipped to Coffield and we--in ad. Seg.--were rec'd in 7x10 cages made of fences, about 50 cages. Then one day we got lucky. The guards wanted to finish running rec, so they put us in general population's rec yard. They are the huge yards--yards with GRASS. (No, not "that" kinda GRASS, put the zig-zag's away!) And handball walls, basketball courts--full court not just a rim. The first time I started to walk on the green grass it felt strange! Weird! I could feel the dirt clods, the little rocks, the dips in the ground, I could feel the soft carpet of the grass. I kept walking on the grass. The other guys--we had 6-man group recs. They quickly ran over to the handball wall, hell I wanted to continue my exploration of walking on this grass. And I did. I walked all around this huge yard, along the fence line, feeling the cool morning breeze. Such a wonderful feeling! I hadn't felt that in years! Almost a decade! When our three hours were up--(by the way we only had 2 rec days--3 hrs both days), I took off my shoes and socks--ready for our strip search--but like a crazy horse, I went galloping through the grass one more time. It was amazing! We went to that rec yard a few times. I always enjoyed walking on the grass. Sitting down, kicking back looking up at the sky, this--free open sky. As opposed to my old unit with the chicken wire up above. It simply is not the same. I even tasted this beautiful grass. It sent me back out to the world. Memories carried me away as if I were swimming in the Rio Grande. Melva--(my then wife) and I loved going to the park near my dad's house, we had our special spot where we always sat under a pecan tree. We'd roll around in the grass, at 15 years of age, full of love, we'd either walk to her mom's or back home, either way they'd tel us "Stop playin' in the grass!" We'd get home with grass stains on our knees, but we were happy.

Not long ago, Angela sent me pics of this park, it looks totally different. If she hadn't told me what it was, I wouldn't have guessed. It had these big trees, a lot of trees. When I was there that whole area was dirt. I recall that in the summer of '88, I was driving my wife's father's El Camino. We passed this park and over by the restrooms the city had a huge pile of SQUARE-GRASS (I know there is a specific name, but it escapes me...) There were no city workers around, must have been lunchtime, they had the ground all broken up, ready to plant this grass. I mean good grass. I've helped plant this stuff. So I parked the El Camino over by the restroom and told my wife, "Wow, lookie what we found!" I got about 40 of the squared grass deals and went to my dads house. In our backyard, which is a huge yard, our grass sucked! Little stickers would grow, when we'd play we would have to hunt them down first. I unloaded the grass, and my dad said, "Hey little boy, where'd you get all that?" I Told him that I found it at the park. We had a little plower that we always used for our mini-fields. Quickly, my dad turned it on and in no time had the yard broken down, we raked all that old grass and roots out of the way...that took longer than what I thought. Long-long story short, we planted that grass in our yard. It came from that park that had no trees. That was the barrio football field. Later I found out that they planted trees--small ones in 1993. No one ever told me till 2006!

Pizza Hut delivery just arrived...gotta go pig out...

22 January 2007

I was reading the summer '06 P.E. Newsletter again and I think I need a pen friend. Now that I no longer write (Angela) which were per her request at least 3 letters a week. I do not know how she ever found the time to write so much. But she did. I'm thinking of what to write in for my bio. Bio? Hah! I guess that word is outdated, in the penpal scene, I notice P.E.N. uses the word "profile." I just looked it up in my Webster that is all dogeared, it's a "concise" biographical sketch.

What I'd like is to find a "writing mentor." I wish to share drafts of my writings and get some feedback on it, not on the content, per se, but the writing style--or the lack thereof, tips for my organizing of my thoughts, etc, etc. I'd like to discuss poetry. From the basics of what inspires (a person) the most to capture it in a poem? How does this person go about writing poems, what type of poetry does the person enjoy? I'd enjoy talking--writing to someone about such things. I'd like to analyze poetry with someone. I'd also be interested in someone's political views and opinion about life in general. I don't want to get personal--emotionally attached, 'cuz that will never work. I've learned the hard way.

The book that has influenced me in the last year is, "Dreams & Journeys, A Reader For Writers" by Marjorie & Jon Ford. I read it, but now I'm studying it.

Greatest personal achievement, becoming more active with JPFT--rather than being a passive listener, I'm being an active one. (Likewise with P.E.N.) But I think my greatest personal thing is that I finally set my mind on exactly what I wish to do once I'm out. To be an architect. I want to study more and my focus us on drafting blueprints for homes and landscapes. I want to learn the technical terms for what I know already. For years I couldn't decide what it would be, so I set out to learn a little of everything. I also learned there are certain types of jobs I couldn't have 'cuz of these stupid laws.

Qualities in a penpal--honesty and a willingness to write monthly letters. A short statement of my background... I guess I haven't even done that for my journal!! I'm 34--will be 35 on 2-15 (1972). Was born in Pasco, Washington. I grew up as a migrant worker, so I've been to a lot of states--towns/cities. I got married a week prior to turning 15. Got divorced in March 2001. We have two young men. My oldest is Chucky, who will be 18 in 3 days! Randy Lee is 15 & 1/2. Cool dudes--lazy with the pen, but they await my letters. I've been here for over 15 years. I was wrongfully convicted.

Type of person that I am...I am a good man. (Later I'll have to write about those two words--good, man.) I try to be respectful. I try to live by the so-called "golden rule" mixed with the "bronze rule." I'm openminded and respect others cultures and identities. I believe in TOTAL equality. And I love to learn. I'll go write my "profile" now...

23 January 2007

Miracles do happen!

For breakfast at 2:45 AM we had what?

Pancakes? Nope! Eggs? Nope! We had a huge yummilicious Cinnamon Roll!!! With cinnamon spiked oatmeal, with butter! Wow! That roll was so damn good! I sat at my bunk and took a moment to get a good mental pic, 'cuz it'll be awhile before I see another one... I couldn't look at it too long, my mouth was watering over, I munched on it, and I swear the thing just evaporated! BAH!! Gone! Now I wonder what "BAD" thing they're gonna do to us. It always works that way, they are kind to us in one area, and pull the rug out from under us in another. Like these fools may think I'm not paying attention, but they have not returned with the library books. Each week we are to get one book...From May '06, when they started to run library, we got books till December 6, '06. That's about 30 weeks, right? We got 13 damn books! That's sad! I'm sending a request to ask what's up.

I also mailed off my profile deal to CRESP and also requested to be enrolled in the book discussion group. Speaking of books since I got my list out, here's some of the books I've read over the years, I have the dates I checked them out (or read them), I'll keep them in author groups...

<<>>

As I wrote this list of titles, the characters were popping out, saying "Hi!!! Good of you to remember us!" I wish I could read a lot of these books again. I'll pause for today. Oh, we got jackets today! The cold fronts gone and they gave us jackets! Ha!

25 January 2007

I read over my book list and I skipped over a lot of other good books. I read most of these from the unit library. Most books I get from others--on the wing--I don't usually write them down. I forget. Now I usually read fiction books from other prisoners, that's all they get, and I use the unit library to check out the self-help books. Yesterday, they brought our library books! Hip-hip-hurray!!! I got: "Bob Vila's Complete Guide to Remodeling your Home, Everything You Need to Know About Home Renovation from the #1 Home Improvement Expert." (1999) It's a good book. I flipped through it and started to read it. However, some retard was too effen lazy to take notes, he tore out a lot of pages! I HATE that!!

I think I've mentioned my desire to become an architect. Scanning Mr. Vila's book, I think what "draws" me to homes is to design them. He notes that there are architects and there are designers--draftsmen. I'll have to research this matter.

Well today I'm writing my son Chucky...it's his 18th birthday. I am telling him that this year, since he's reached this new phase in his life's journey, as legally responsible, etc, etc. I wish for him to sit back and thank his mother, congratulate her, honor her for it is really HER birthdate--it's the day SHE brought life into this world. Thus I wish for him to honor her for this miracle of his life. To give her gifts of love, respect for bringing him into this world. I think mothers are the ones who should be "celebrated" on this day--(and all year long, not just Mother's Day--which to me is simply another money making day.)

Maybe I should write a "theme essay" talking about this on the celebration due 3-15. Yeah, I'll think on it.

31 January 2007

It's the end of the month, so I'll close this batch up and mail it in.

Today I heard from the "Long Ridge Writers Group." They sent me a lot of information. To make it short, their letter in response to my test states:

"Our review of your test shows that you have the aptitude to write for publication, and I'm pleased to offer you the opportunity to enroll in our program."

They have selected an instructor for me already and sent her "profile." The letter, which is written by Fran Saunders, Director of Admissions, also stated:

"But I would like you to know that your essay entitled "I Hope For Parole" for part 6 impressed all of us. Your work was also rated acceptable or higher in all of the test parts you completed, based on form and content, style and your grasp of fundamentals."

I'd love to enroll. I know that with a mentor/instructor working with me, I could grow so much in this are.

But, the cost is way-way too much. $853.00 is the total cost. I could do the payment plan of 16 months at $50.00 each month.

Hey, well at least I passed their "Aptitude Test." I didn't know if I could. I think if I get denied parole, I'll really focus on trying to get someone to sell my artwork and if I could make the $50.00 a month I'd try this.

I struggle as it to get toothpaste and basic stuff like that. I just couldn't afford their tuition cost.

But I'll keep writing...

2 February 2007

I wrote to Long Ridge Writers Group and send the "test" on 1-8-07, they responded on 1-17 but I didn't receive it till 2-2 (today). I was very excited. I couldn't believe how nervous I actually was. I guess it's the simple fact that I've never written anything knowing some educated person would sit to analyze my words. So I had some doubts if I could even meet their high standards. I tripped out when I received their first package of pamphlets, talking about; you'd only be allowed to enroll, if you could pass their aptitude test for writing. Which makes a lot of sense. I submitted my tests and I really felt like the school students today, all nervous in re to the task testing they have to do now.

So what did they say....well I was amazed.

I'll quote:

"Our review of your test shows that you have the aptitude to write for publication, and I'm pleased to offer you the opportunity to enroll in our program."

They even selected an instructor, Venita Helton for me if I could pay the tuition cost. They go on to say:

"I would like you to know that your essay entitled "I hope for Parole" for Part 6 impressed all of us. Your work was also rated acceptable or higher in all of the test parts you completed, based on form and content, style and your grasp of fundamentals."

The letter is from Fran Saunders, the director of admissions. They provided Venita's resume, it's impressive. I'd love to learn from her. I've even read one of her romance novels.

But....But....

I simply cannot afford $853.00 or $50.00 each month for 16 months. However, if $$ was not an issue, I'd of jumped on this quick. I think they need to have discounts for prisoners. Not 'cuz we're special, but 'cuz we don't have jobs. Some do but don't get paid.

I'm gonna go read their "enrollment guide/catalog."

4 February 2007

I got a letter --- unexpected letter, from Angela. I still have not responded -- or mailed the response to her 'Goodbye' letter. But she writes as if she dind't already say her good-bye. She says that all she asks is that I please call her as soon as I get out, to write her and inform her to where and when so she can get there to see me.

She talked about a beautiful dream she had of our reunion...and hinted at some secret she will share with me once I'm out that would make all of this to make sense. What makes sense to me right now is that she said good bye, and is in love and is giving herself to him 100%.

If I was torn up before, I am even more so now. She really didn't ask me to respond. Just to let her know if and when I get out. My thoughts are that I'll get out, and get back up on my feet; with a good job, with my own place, a car, the things I need...then I'll get in touch with her. That'll take at least two years.

Yeah, O.K.

Who am I kidding?

How Can I love her so much? How can I be so understanding? Yeah, I'll more than likely write to her within seconds of getting my parole answer; whether it be good/bad. I just miss talking to her. I don't know if our love relationship will ever be the same, but our friendship for sure will always be strong.

I had asked her for a few favors when she started holding back.....I didn't know if she had just ignored me or what...in this letter she finally assures me that she did do what I asked of her. The not knowing had me kind'a mad at her. 'Cuz she knows she does not have to do anything for me, but if I ask and she says yes, then I fell she should or at least be honest and say she changed her mind or can no longer do it. So I was upset about that. Kind'a made me feel as if she stopped caring about me.

On another front....on KPFT they have the Latino block of programs on Tuesday nights.....I don't think I've mentioned this...but every Tuesday I'm there at 7 P.M. it's a rather new program "Coming to America" a 30 min. show where they kick around the hot topic of immigration laws, procedures and all of that. A subject that needed to be covered. I was glad when they started. At 7:30 P.M. it's one of my favorite shows; "Nuestra Palabra"

Opps....Rec. time, I'll be back.

6 February 2007

Never got back....oh I went out clubbing and all that other stuff. Couldn't sleep, Angelo kept running around inside me, the girl likes to pick on me. I am either going crazy or she's really becoming the damn voice in my head!

Well, there's 2 voices now. Everybody talks to himself (or herself) silently inside -- that inner voice -- Now I got "Angie's" voice trying to take control. How does this work?? Hmm maybe I know her so damn good that I think I know exactly how she'd respond/react to any given situation...I think that's what it is.

N-E-Ways....I got a letter -- from Gary -- dated 1-29-07. In Re "Historian Club" but I think I was misunderstood....I was asking for the Mesoamerican lesson/unit. That's the history that I'm familiar with. I'll just hold my pen and await the "compilation unit." O.K.

My prior entry, on Nuestra Palabra -- the host is Tony D., Angie M., Brian P., Lilianna L., they cover; poets, poet reading they have poets record their spoken word submit it in, they'll play it on the air. You need not be a 'published' poet either. They cover all writing, authors focused on Latino but not limited to "US", it's a good show. They have empowered me and motivated me to write more. At 8:30 it's Spanish news they get their into from free speech radio, Indy Media, etc.

At 9 P.M. it's "Proyecto Latino Americano" with Henry C. & Alma D. Another good show. Alma has read a few of my poems on the air. At the moment I am working on a calendar project for them to use as an incentive gift for listeners to donate some $$ to the station for a calendar. The art work I am doing it. I have five pieces done already. After I do about 17/18 of them I'll send them in and then another volunteer will run off copies -- prints and create a format for the months -- etc. And I guess they will have to vote on which piece should go for which month. I'll make my own suggestions, 'cuz I'll write a page or so in re to why I drew what I did. What the meaning is of which I wish to convey. And if it is good, I'll do it again. This will be a calendar for 2008. So I got time to draw. Perhaps CRESP can do something similar for a fundraiser to at least cover the postage of stuff/mailings to us. I would be more than willing to do a few art pieces. You all could make a few different calendars.

What is this, my journal or a letter to CRESP? Ha! Ha!

I've done artwork for KPFT before -- the first time was like in 2002 or '03. For Anna N. She'd ask for so much $ to be donated and they'd take that art piece. This time I wanted to do something different so I asked what they "thought" about a calendar project. And here I am, busy at work.

I'll write more on this. I've been writing real sloppy....Fingers hurt!!

13 February 2007

I've been down for the last few days, no motivation....been thinking how I should respond to Angela. I just don't want to hurt her feelings. She is probably waiting for my response. That's had me down. And I've yet to hear anything from the parole officer.

Today I got this letter from Gary dated: 2-7-07. P.E. Historian club. I found this packet interesting. I can only imagine what the history lessons contained. I'll write a letter for this because I think I have a different P.O.V. on Anahuac history. Anahuac today is what is called Mesoamerica, which I believe is middle America. I find it strange to discuss topics such as this and not even address what the original names were. I've heard people who believe America is a "Indian" word. It is not. Actually it's Amerigo -- I'll write a letter in and if it's added to my journal that'd be cool.

15 February 2007

Happy Birthday to my Mother! 35 years ago she brought me into this world. Didn't hear from my sons -- not yet at least. Two of my nieces, Mary & Crystal both wrote to wish me a good day. Mentally; I feel way older, physically; I feel younger. And I'm happy with myself. And I'm getting restless. I'm ready to fly outta this cage, get setup out there and start a whole new life. I'm ready! Today I won't do much, just kick back in bed, listen to KPFT and just reflect. I'm thinking of each of my B-days. I can't recall any of them being good or bad. After I got married -- I can recall from 15 to 19, after that it's been here.

As I was writing the above I got a book in the mail -- the mailroom lady knocked on my door with a book in her hand. "I got another good one for" she said. She usually is the person who brings our books, cuz we gotta sing off the inventory sheet.

Over a year ago Ray Hill of the "Prison Show" @ KPFT had a pastor from the First Unitarian Universalist church on the air, they have some volunteers and created a pen-pal program. I wrote in and my letter was given Richard. We write 'monthly letters'. He is also a poet. And that has given us something to share. I've learned quite a few things from Richard. Well he ordered the book "the poetry of Pablo Neruda" for me and I love this man's poetry. I had never read so much poems from one person.The BK I got today is; "Writing Fiction Step by Step an award winning author leads you through more than 200 exercises enabling you to complete a story or novel" by Josip Novakovich. I've flipped thru it and it looks like it'll help me out. A lot! I'm anxious to go sit with a big cup of strong coffee and read this book. I can see from flippin' thru it, it'll answer questions I couldn't even formulate. I'm gonna enjoy this book.

We'll I'm off, step by step....

20 February 2007

I finished my new book, its good. It covered some issues that I've been wondering about. Such as keeping track of your characters. Not long ago I read a book that had the main female character disliking chocolate at the start of the book, then towards the end she was eating a chocolate candy bar. I've found these types of "contradictions" in books. And where there is a lot of characters I wondereded how the author kept track. This book explains that, in detail.

When I start doing the exercises, I'll write it down here.

I had stopped writing, its now 11 P.M. and I'm hungry! I don't know what to say so I'll end it for today.

23 February 2007

They have not pass out library books in 3 weeks. They're doing "inventory". So they claimed.

In my "memoir" I got stuck. I can't decide whether I should do the trial with a lot of details or speed right thru it and touch on some of the details when I do the direct appeal and habeas corpus. I think I'll do it both ways, and then see which way reads better.

I'm writing my mom/nieces, they don't usually take this long to write back. My niece "Anna" is the one who writes for her grandma. But nothing yet. Yeah, I'm a little worried about them.

Today on KPFT there is a program called: "Earth 101". I've been hearing "her" show since 2000, I don't know how to spell her name, but I've learned a great deal from her.

Today the topic was on the death penalty. On 3-7-07, Texas will kill another person. The prisoners mom and attorney were being interviewed. It's a messed up situation. They -- the state -- used a law known as the law of parties. There were 2 guys involved, in the 1st trial the D.A. was saying the 'other' man was the shooter. They gave him the death penalty and was killed in 1996 or so. The D.A. had a retrial for the other man (the one they'll kill next) in his retrial, the D.A. flipped the script and said that; no, this 2nd guy was the shooter. The state used the law of parties. Which is what was used against me, except to my case they used both provision of that Texas law which is basically; it 3 person's (A, B and C) plan to go rob A store at gun point, and the plan is clearly to "only" rob it, but while doing it B pulls out his gun, the clerk does something, or for whatever reason, B shoots the clerk, the clerk dies as a result of that shot. Then the state will plea bargain with A or B to use that testimony against B and C. This law holds that if the jury believes that A and C should have known that B would do that, then they can find A and C guilty. Even though A nor C hold the gun. Under that law penal code 7.02A and 7.02B the accomplice is just as guilty as the shooter.

It's a messed up law, that makes all responsible for what one does.

The host of Earth 101 (my teacher) made me cry. My teacher told the prisoners mom that she finds it hard to express herself, cuz as my teacher said, she was the mother of a prisoner and that was difficult in itself, but how do you comfort the mother of a death row prisoner?

28 February 2007

I couldn't focus yesterday with that last question. Things like that really keep me up at night.

Today I got a letter from Richard, my pen pal of the U.U. Church. I had send him a short story that I wrote in 2004, which was my first attempt at writing fiction. He said the description of La Mariposa (whom is a "mystical apparition" of Mexica mythology) was very vivid and erotic. I'm glad to learn that what tried to do came out like that.

It was interesting to read his feedback. And he even made a 'suggestion' without saying "hey, try to do this". He just hints that I could add another element, a secondary plot. Just might try that.

I'm gonna use the book he ordered for me -- and apply the tips and helpful points from it to fix this story up and after that I'll send him the story again, and see what he things of it then. I've seen a lot of things in this story that I can go back and improve on them.

I have been wanting to do a drawing for Richard, but I don't know what to do for him. I usually do artwork that ties into the Mexican/Latino culture. I know that for a lady I could do whatever, I got a lot of stuff for women. I think I'll do him a Tiger, or a Bald Eagle.

Library did not come today....but I have Carlos Castaneda's book called "The Eagles Gift", which I read like 3 years ago. I saved it cuz I wanted to read it again. I'd like to read his other books that all related to Don Juan, a Yaqui medicine man. My (step)-Mom was a Yaqui. I guess that is why I have a connection to these books. Plus I love reading.

I also got a letter from one of my nieces, Crystal. She spent some time in Juvi-TYC- and got out 1-22, we tried to write each other, but Tyc refused to allow us to write. She turns 17 next month, and tells me that she really wants to meet me.

My oldest bro Rafael has video of me holding Crystal and feeding her Gerber baby food. She trips out on the part where my oldest boy Chucky- who is about 10 months older- would play with Crystal. I used -- O.K....not I but my wife would baby sit Crystal. She was a good baby.

I was touched by her words. She's been through a lot. And she's read all my letters to her little sisters -- Anna, Toney A and Nena. They are 15, 14, and 13 in that order. A while back I send Anna some artwork to sell for me. She made $50.00, I told her to just send me $25.00 and keep the rest. But to hold mine and I'd get her to order a magazine subscription or a book. Well my Mom gave Anna $75 to go make a money order for me, since Anna has done it before. Anna went to the store -- and didn't go back home for a week. Crystal told me that Anna used the money to party. And now she feels so bad and is scared to write to me. Cuz she things I'm going to be made at her for the money.

I already wrote her a little letter, that I don't care about the $, what I'm disappointed about is her "smoking pot." And staying out in the streets for over a week!!! Hopefully my letter will be a little "eye opener."

4 March 2007

I've been slacking off on my entries....But with drawing so much, my fingers hurt by the time I'm done. N-E- ways....I think the people at KPFT are going to be surprised at the quality of my art work. Every piece has a lot of details. Details....hmmm, in my new book "Writing Fiction" (Ch 11- p. 211) exercise #8 is: About creation, a picture of a person through what she wears, how she carries herself, how she moves in her clothes. It cites the purpose of the exercise, than gives a tip.

One of my pieces is of "Xochiquetzal" who is my ruling Goddess according to the "Aztec/Mayan Calendar" she is the patron to the birthday that corresponds to 2-15-72. Xochiquetzal -- literally -- "Flower Quetzal" epitomized young female sexual power, flowers, and pleasures. She was the Goddess of Weavers and the arts practiced by noble women, etc etc. Depictions in Aztec/Maya glyph generally show her in luxurious attire and wearing gold crowns.

I drew her from her breast up, she is facing forward, she has an oval shaped face, she looks young. Her hair is dark black, with bright red earrings hanging down, with fine beads to each side. Her lips are bright red and putty looking as if she's been kissing a lot. Her nose is roundish with a Cindy Crawford beauty mark above her lip to the right side. She has bed room eyes the sweet honey. I put a touch of pink eye shadown, and the girl gots killer eye lashes, long black lashes. Underneath her eyes shes got designs painted in bright red with the lips of the red designs being black. Which makes the red designs stand out even more so. On her head she wears a golden crown that is cover with ruby and jades. In the center is a piece that hangs down between her eyes with a red ruby on it. Attached to the crown is four full length Quetzal feathers, they are blue green with the spine painted red.

She's got a necklace on her neck, that has a pendant with the design of a flower. This pendent is red and has beads hanging off of it. Green, yellow and reds. The string is blue. She has a matching bracelet and in her right hand she holds another necklace that has an eagle symbol. In the left hand she is holding a staff with a blue hand grip. The head of the staff is a star shield, with the middle part being round, like mother earth. In the center is the shadow of a spider yes, the spider is also the earth goddess.

Her robe is a chiffon, that is white with red highlights. The seams of the chiffon is red. The chiffon has a lot of tiny details to do them all took me almost 2 hours!!

The whole background is colored a light pink/peach color that makes the black hair stand out.

6 March 2007

In 2005, I wrote to enroll in "College Guild" in Brunswick, ME. Into the creative writing- or the course on writing. I had completed the sample course, it's a non-credit course. Just more kind people trying to help us survive and educate ourselves. But I got my unit-one, and I did it but never mailed it out. I did have faith in my writing skills. I'm learning. Well on 1-23-07, I decided to mail my unit in. And yesterday I got a response. My instructor Julie wrote me.

She opens her letters: "Welcome back! Don't be embarrassed about your absence; we're glad to have you participate."

Lucy gave me feedback on my answers, she said: "I enjoyed reading your work, but it was hard going to figure it out! Please write bigger.....However, your writing is strong, with a good vocabulary and grammar."

Her words motivate me. I guess Ad. Seg. Fucks with me head. At times I start thinking people don't care, but folks like at KPFT, CRESP, and this college guild really lift me up. At times I recognize the effects this solitary confinement has on my mental state. It's been since may 1993.

I at times find it hard to speak to normal people. O.K. maybe 'normal' is not the correct word. I'll give an example: this lady that works here, she often stops at my door and asks to see what I'm drawing, or what project I'm working on. She sees that I draw, I write, and she likes my poetry. So I read for her. It's practice. I wish some of these guys here were also into poetry, we could start our own workshops....but I digress....a few days I was out in the rec. yard, with 3 other dudes and this same woman (I'll call her Ms. B.) they were all talking with her, y'know the funny stuff. I stayed quiet, just listening and Ms. B. tells me that she knows I talk a lot, so why am I standing in the background....another dude said, "talk about politics, drawing, poetry or the serious stuff, and Axochi- [me] will talk all day." So Ms. B. tells me that I take everything too serious. But I noticed that when I'm in that type of conversation, I find it hard to get into it. Like I get nervous. I just don't know why.

I think I'm being kinda' anti-social. I do talk a lot, but I find the pointless conversation boring. I'd rather learn something than be 'clowning' around. Perhaps I am taking myself too serious.

I'm just set in my ways of thinking. However, when these guys talk, they talk about what they all did out there, how bad they were and all that stuff that I find pointless.

Hopefully, I can get new neighbors, these don't talk about anything positive. I can't stand their talking about what crimes they'll commit ounce out. I tell 'em, "Hell you aren't even out yet and your looking for ways to come back." I feel that I'm better off just reading.

7 March 2007

Today Texas will kill another man. My teacher on KPFT "earth 101" again talked about "Joseph Nicholas", the person on death row. It's a messed up deal. I got to hear his brother, and niece. He's been on death row for 25 years.

When I hear stuff like this it really gets me down.

I'll write more tonight or just mail this in.