The journal of Shawn Barclay
September 13th, 2007
Dear Journal,
Opening Statements - Intro: Well, 1st off, my name is Shawn Bradley Barclay - TDCJ-ID#899733. I was born March 1st, 1979 in Ft. Worth, Tx. Via C section (already a problem child (smile)). I was raised by my mother & grandparents (lived w/ my grandparents), as a Christian. I was saved & baptized at age 6; I rededicated my life in here at age 20.
Unfortunately, I am in here for some messed up stuff. I allowed myself to be manipulated by my girlfriend, and my own suckerdome (is that even a word? Smile?), for females, into taking her grandmother's life for her. This is very hard for me cause I am not this type of person, nor have I a criminal mentality. I've been a petty thief, as most, well, many young teens are, but when I was released from state jail in 1998, I'd quit all that. I was getting my act together. I don't know what happened!!
I love elderly people. They're mainly all I grew up around. In church, the neighborhood, then my grandpa preaches at wedge-wood Nursing home in St. worth every Tuesday for the past 35 + years, and I used to go and sing for the elderly folk. The only reason I did it (the murder), is simply cuz my girlfriend asked me to & when I refused, she taunted me as my word not being worth a dime - as I'd given her my word that I loved her and would do ANYTHING for her. However, I never meant murder, though!! DUH! Common sense would tell you as much.
But she knows how I am about keeping my word, & when she threatened to ruin my name by spreading around that my word wasn't S**T, I angrily agreed to do it. WHY? I still don't know - there was no money or anything involved. I pg. 2 still don't know why this wench wanted her goma dead, other than her remark that she was "tired of her shit." Whatever that's supposed to mean.
I will never know why I truly did it & I hate myself for what I did, for the pain I've caused the family of my victim, as well as, my family, & ex-friend's.(I say ex-friends as they all cut me off and I have no friends anymore). That's why it is so hard for me in here.
I have no girlfriend anymore, either. I have aggarated life, and I am not eligible for parole until Feb. 2009. I'll be 49. I was 19 when I committed my crime. I'm 28 now. Only way I could get out any sooner is if someone were to obtain a lawyer for me to assist me in acquiring a time out due to "ineffective assistance of counsel"or an appeal. Then I would get home to my family sooner.
By the way, I am 6'0" 173 lbs w/ Blonde Hair/Brown eyes and 11-12 Tattoo's I wish I'd never gotten! Unfortunately, I have no wife or children, which is my Biggest dream /fantasy to have one day before I'm too old, I pray. I want to be a Daddy/Husband so bad I cry often thinking of it. I love children & woman & would be a model Dad/husband.
I'm a gentleman w/ soft old-fashioned values, morals, standards & manners. (Being raised by grandparents).
Okay, this sounds like an intro-letter for a pen pal and it's supposed to be a journal. Just wanted anyone who reads this to know a little basic/important info about me before reading my Journal for cryin' out loud. Smile.
However, if anyone (esp. female), but male or females fine, is willing to respond (be my friend & penpal, I'd be inexplicably grateful!
I love horses, dogs & cats, and all animals, All nature, children, elderly, Handicapped people. I love rain, cool weather between 60-75; lightening & wind-mountains, oceans, forests, hiking, biking, camping, cooking, swimming, B-ball, football, volley bally, badminton, Tennis, croquet, go karts & racing cars & any and all church, family, &/or Romantic outings. I love to sing. I love ALL music. And church & concerts- (mainly metal, pop, R&B, Christian cont.)
I love reading (esp. horror, Fantasy & murder mystery fiction & Christian/fantasy fiction). I love the medieval gothic era & architecture & Fashion. I love Horror movies & Haunted Houses, etc. I also love to travel.
Okay - N.E.wayz...! ? SMILE!
Okay, today- 9/13/07, Thursday has been a pretty good day. I made up w/ a person who I had fallen out w/ a # of times. We'd cursed each other & threatened each other. You know how people say shit they don't mean when they are angry - least I do anyway. So anyway, we are okay for now. But this isn't the 1st time we've Fallen out & became cool again, so ... go figure!
Gotta Break (Nap time) - 2:20 pm 9/13/07
9/13/07
Well, the fool I had made amends w/ is kinda weirdin' out on me again. He has "issues" (but don't we all)? I certainly do.
Well anyway, my time spent back here in Seg is mostly spent falling out w/ diedes over petty, trivial B/S anyway. All these cats claiming to be men mostly act like Boys, or Broads! But then they call me a "Hoe" because I'm non-violent, friendly, walk away/avoid fights (unless struck & even then I try to avoid one). The only time I'll fight is defending my loved ones, someone weak/unable to defend themselves or someone elderly being messed w/ (women & children, elderly, & animals go w/o saying). As for myself, normally if I am assaulted I defend myself, but I'm trying to program myself simply to "turn the other cheek," & endure, as the disciples of Jesus did in the early church.
This is makes me look like a coward, or like I'm "scary" to the closed/shallow minds in here though. This place has corrupted me in many ways- I'll get to those, or "it" eventually. Nevertheless, I've benefited in here, too.
#1) I've become closer to Jesus
#2) I've done all of my growing up, maturing & becoming responsibly minded in here
#3) God has used this prison to familiarize me w/ some wonderful ministries that are helping me grow not only in my Christian faith, but also as a man, a gentlement. (which I've mostly ALWAYS been).
#4) I've become more sensitive than I already was; move compassionate even, than I was before. And I've always been sensitive, compassionate, loving/loveable, affectionate, romantic & gentle.
#5) I've become more ambitious & goal-oriented - although my goals (the main one's special to me) I cannot accomplish in prison. Not hardly. My main goal is to meet a woman (both of us) fall in love w/ each other & have AT LEAST a girl & a boy. (2) Then to be a Christian guidance counselor, or some sort of counselor for troubled youth; as well as, doing something for widows, elderly, handicapped/uniform shut-ins, & orphan children, abused woman, homeless people. I also want to adopt children &/or become a foster parent. I don't see any of these goals coming true. (dreams, that is).
I also want to be a Chef or psychologist, or social worker - sociologist. If not anything else, I'd love to be park ranger. I also want to do some missionary work before I'm too old.
Ho-hum... I'm depressing myself. Well dear Journal (and fellow readers), I'm lonely & sort of sad - & quite tired, so I am going to crash out for now. It is 8:42 pm, so I will go now. I've been up since ... well, I can't remember - over 14 hrs or so. G'night. I love you all. I love you Jesus, dear Journal, Shawn (me), mom, grandpa - I love you , all readers... G'Night - God Bless Us all - God Bless America. 9/13/07 8:45 pm
9/14/07
Dear Journal,
Well hey, G'morning! Here I am. I am not good at this Journal writing thing, I've never kept a journal in my life, so it's hard for me to remember to write in this, But since the wonderful people at Durland Alt. Library sent me these 2 Legal pads, bless their hearts, I feel obligated to fill them up. I'll have to use some of the paper from one for other mail too cuz I don't have the money for writing paper, stamps etc. at the moment. Grandpa sent me #50 & I owe most of it out; w/ the rest I have to buy food & coffee. I HAVE TO HAVE MY Coffee, & these slave drivers here starve us - sort of, so I have to have the food off commissary - extra. I love to eat.
So, like, I'm just sitting here listening to Rob Zombie, Queensryche & Motley Crew on 102.5 the bear (Those are the last 3 bands that just played. Anyway, I'm just sitting here waiting for chow- Lunch. I got up for breakfast at 2:30-3: - went back to sleep until a while ago, 10:45, when someone who I owe money to wake me up because they're moving to another cell/pod. He was telling me to pay the money to his Homeboy. Damn! I can't get any brake!:) HA-HA!
Golly my handwritings shitty when I just wake up. Well, I am gonna go wash my face & brush my teeth, since I just awakened. Then, jam out and & wait on chow and see how my day goes. Got to go read my morning Bible Study Devotional, too. I'm out of coffee dang it. I was going to try to ween myself off of it, but I don't see that happening. Not in prison. If I were in the free world w/ a variety of things to drink (ie. Juices & health drinks), I could quit. We have juice, but it costs too much (50 cents per 12 oz can!). To get enough to last till next store 2 wks away, it'd break me, the way I drink. Mom used to call me a guzzle-gut ? Smile.
Okay, I love to drink & eat. I eat/drink when I'm sad/depressed, bored, or not satisfied, as well as, hungry. (I'm in Seg - a single/cell 23/6, so it get's pretty depressing & boring). I don't get enough money to buy food every 2 wks. Just $25 per mo. 7 the food only lasts a few days at best, till the next month. ( we can spend $60 every 2 wks). Well, I can't! If I COULD spend 50-60$ on food every 2 wks, that'd be AWESOME. I could afford to buy all my vitamins, whey powder, lots of Tuna & Peanut Butter, and energy mixes, Frt/Nt mixes, etc/ As well as, my coffee, juices, and other goodies. I'll never be able to do that, nor get a bunch of extra hygiene, art material, or magazine subscriptions or books because I'll never have that kind of money unless I get a pen pal whose willing and able to and could get me a lawyer to work on my case, but mainly, I just need/want companionship - SCREW $! I am lonely. So lonely I have indulged in queer activity for which I'm disgusted w/ myself. But w. no women in my life, I have no choice but to be gay - or be alone! I don't do alone! I've always been loved and cared for. I don't know how to be alone and lonely and cope with it.
Really I'm a christrian, so it hurts me that I've got entangled in this gay shit. You can't be gay and Christian, period! But w/o female companionship, I have no choice! I honestly feel if I had a female to write me, send pictures and come visit me, I could be the gentle man god created me to be. A Christian gentleman. But I can't get a penpal, much less a dang girlfriend or wife. It's not fair. I think to myself, who wants to be w/ a dude w/ agg life for murdering an elderly woman?
But then I see dudes on Death Row w/ worse charges than mine w/ multiple female penpals who they're USING (running game on) and even dudes on death row getting married!!! What the hell?! That's crap! What am I destined to be lonely? I'm intelligent, I'm handsome. I'm a gentleman, a Christian (but not a holy roller, though I am a Jesus Freak)! I'm humble, sensitive, affectionate, good sense of humor, a hopelessly romantic homebody of strong family values. (Pro-family). What is the problem. Golly, what I wouldn't do to have a good Christian wife around my age. Personally, I don't care if she's Christian, or not. As long as she isn't a Satanist. But the bible tells us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
Besides, I've been into wicca, witchcraft, paganism stuff in here and I'm too easily influences or distracted by my passion for that stuff, so I try to keep away from it. I love magic. Anyway, I'm gonna store for now. Man! This still sounds like a freaking intro-letter to a penpal!
Well, good-bye for now, Journal. It's 11:35 am. I'm out.
9/14/07
Well it's 12:22 pm and they just sprayed, gas/pepperspray on this dude next door to me while we're trying to each lunch. There are chemicals circulating in the air while I'm choking, gagging and trying to eat It's B/S! Officer Morrison gassed this dude just cuz he was talking shit and barely kicking his cell door. As it is, this is the same guy who I'd fallen out w/ & made up with. Well, I am gonna go bury my face in a towel & listen to the Christian station (88.9KSUR American Family Radio) and do a wordseach Puzzle. 12:32 pm
5:06 pm - man, I just fell out w/ this bitch ass black dude. One black dude called me a nigger (I'm caucasion) because I was being loud. I was trying to tell him here's no such thing as a "nigger." I hate that word and do not use it. I told him all there is is to "be" niggard," which means ignorant or uneducated - which I definitely am not, however, the dude that called me a "nigger" is an illiterate fuck. The dude can't spell correct, nothing. He is highly uneducated & illiterate, get he calls me a nigger. Then some feces-chunking, semi-retarded black dude on 2-row is up there cursing me - under his breath, like a coward. Calling me a "Bitchass punk, & racist whiteboy," like I called someone a nigger & I was the one called a nigger!! Fucking stupid idiot. I'm so motherfucking sick of these ignorant, stupid, unstitutionalized bitchass fucks! Always "cell-warrioring." Then when a offer put's 'em in their place, they want to throw shit, piss, spears etc., like a coward - then think they're hard-core dudes! Tsch! Fucking lame-brained idiots.
Yeah, I know, I'm a Christian & this isn't Christian behavior. I'll have to repent, certainly. I'm just sick & fucking tired of these pricks in here. The dudes in prison'll make one hate people altogether. It's why less open-minded & enlightened dudes do become racist/prejudiced in prison because of all of the B/S & disrespect from other races than your own.
Don't even get me started. I'm going to go relax, do some word seaches & listen to my radio. Good-bye.
5:19pm
9/14/07>9/15/07
Well, good morning journal. 8:38 am. Just woke up & brushed the fur off of my teeth (smile), & wash the cobwebs from my eyes. Yeah, I read my last entry - wow! Surely I had to repent. I pray today is a better day. I pray I remember to keep my words & actions in V if offended.
Ya know, I have a prayer/poem I'd like to copy here as part of my morning prayer to the Lord for today. It is written by some guy I don't know named: Jr. Osterink. The poems titled: Lord, teach me to serve. It's from out of America's Christian newspaper - July/Aug. 2007, Front page. It goes:
"Lord, teach me to serve.
And where I must do some good today;
How I must serve; for whom I should pray:
Must I counsel? Give me the words to say.
Lord, teach me how to serve.
Lord, where can I serve w/ words in song,
Where by faith in Thee, a weaker one
Make it rang;
May I spread happiness each day, all day long.
Lord, teach me to serve.
Is anyone in need, and I must give the gift;
Are any weary, help me the load of care
To lift.
Are any straying, needing hopes anchor,
Lest they drift?
Lord, teach me how to serve.
Show me, O lord, where it is best to silent be.
Enlighten me when I should tell other's of she,
Where sin has blinded them, may I help them to see.
Lord, teach me to serve.
Well, that's beautiful. And it's something all Christians, I think, should pray every morning, fresh out of bed, before starting their respective days. I hope to remember to for myself each day.
Goodness, I am hungry. I feel my stomach wrapping around my spinal cord... okay, maybe that's a little extremely graphic, but it's certainly growling and I AM hungry. Sure wish I had some commissary in my locker! It's only 9:04 am lunch isn't until around 11:30 am -12pm. Somewhere around there.
The Christian stations playing that song "I was made to love." I love that song. Can't remember who sings it - chris tomlin, maybe?! Man, it's cool. I love that song "rockfist" by: Thousand Foot crutch. Ooo!! Now, they're playing once again by Fuse Box. That song makes me cry! I love Jesus so much. I wish I could live for him 24/7. I stray from him so much. I hate it. I'm so ashamed. I masturbate, curse, be greedy, &/or gluttonous, sometimes I am fearful (god hasn't given us a spirit fear, but of love, power and of a sound mind. (II Trimoth 1:7) Even worse, when I'm lonely, I indulge in gay & cross-dressing activity. I have a fetish w/ cross-dressing I can't seem to escape. I started doing it in here 6 yrs ago, for $$$ And, I guess, somewhat, for attention. It's fun. I make a very pretty girl (as I am sort of effeminately built). Which I hate really (except it serves me well when I'm cross-dressing for money). Here are some compliments I've received:
- You have sexy, or beautiful bedroom eyes (w/ make up on).
- Luscious, full lips (that's putting it politely)
- Long, pretty eye lashes
- Slender, graceful arms, hands, fingers
- High cheekbones
- A soft, fat ass (but small & round, as I am slender: 6'0" 170lbs)
- Runway model legs (or muscular & sexy legs). I think they're flabby
- Pretty feet/toes ( I hate em. They're too narrow).
These are all compliments/accusations I've received only in prison around a bunch of sex-deprived animals/pigs. SOME gentlemen (There are precious few).
However, I've always been teased by homeboys about my eyes & lips, eyelashes. Bastards! I'll be glad when I can get out of Seg & tilt the weights on the yard (rec yard), & hopefully have more $ for vitamins, whey powder, healthy snack food, tuna & peanut butter & so forth on a regular basis. I wish I had like $5,000. It would last me maybe 2-3 yrs spending $60 every 2 wks, get my typewriter, showers, hot pot, & eventually, work boots, watch, night light, multi plug outlet, calculator, a cross & necklace. Also, some magazine subscriptions, books, Biblical Reference material, stationary/envelopes, & a subscription to the Ft. Worth star telegram. I also must, first & foremost send $500 for Tithe to me church, another $250 to my favorite ministry - Turning point w/Dr. David Jeremiah. And another $1,000 to a ministry that helps orphans, widows & starring children. So, really I'd have $3000 for myself, and I'd probably send at least $100-$250 to Prisoner express & $1000 to my mom. So I'd have $2000. That will only last 1yr - 1 yra & a half. But at least I'd have all my clothing, footwear, electronics & got to help my mom, tithe & help some ministries I like & have benefited from, myself. Well, I'm, no, blessed (there's no such thing as "luck"). I'm blessed if I every have $500 in here. So, I'll just shut the hell up. I'm gonna go lie down & jam out & wait for this measily little school lunch tray. That's how we're fed. Just like the trays you got as a kid in school.
Holla! 9:36AM
7:39 pm
Well, this'll be short, cuz I don't feel like writing. I'm going to bed & relax. Just checking in to say good sight & that I'm proud of myself for resisting temptation to abuse medication for mood swings. And also, for Turning down an advance from a homosexual for me to be her(his) "man." I pray I am able to resist temptation & loneliness which is from Satan.
Goodnight for now.
9/16/07
Good Morning, dear Journal. So, this beautiful Sunday, September morning thank you Jesus. Thank you for my health Lord; my loving family for my salvation in Jesus Christ's shed blood. Thank you for my radio, that I may sit here and listen to the Early Morning glory Gospel Music opn 103.1 kiss FM. Thank you for the $ you provided my grandpa that he was ale to send me some so I could get this radio & hear good Christian music & programs & worship services. It's been a GREAT spiritual help to me being in Seg, away from any Christian fellowship or Church worship services. Thank you Father, for the love and charity in my grandfather's heart for me, his oldest g-son that compels him to desire to bless me with $ in here occasionally, actually, regularly ($25 per month).
So, here I start a new day. As the silly guy on Saturday Night live, Stuart Smaley, used to say, "I'm gonna have a good day today," Lord, "because I'm good enough, & I'm Smart enough, and daggone it, people like me." ? LOL (smile)! Amen to that.
Thank you Lord jesus, for making me the man you've made me to be. Thank you for creating in me a sensitive, gentle & compassionate spirit & a warm, loving & giving heart. Thank you for me education though I dropped out & didn't graduate & still have no GED or diploma, I did make it to the 11th grade. There are those in here who didn't even make it THAT far. And I am quite intelligent for a HS drop-out. Halleujah.
And thank you Lord that I am able to live in a free country - w/ Freedom of speech, religion, etc. Thank you for our soldiers & military; thank you for all the effort, sweat, tears, courage & fear these men & woman are willing to shed & endure to fight for our country - that they're willing to be martyrd, to sacrifice their precious lives, if weed be, for the greater good of our beautiful United States of America.
I thank you heavenly father, that there are still people & ministries out there protecting the family, life, chastity, marriage & it's santimony - thank you for all of the Christian & even secular charities & ministries out there caring for orphan! Foster children, widowed elderly, Handicapped, Homeless, spiritually struggling, families & unborn children & more.
I thank you Lord Jesus, for your Holy word, the holy bible, for preserving it throughout the ages, as we've in our 21st centur, our 2nd millennium. No other book has been tried & true to survive that long, praise God. Thank you Heavenly Father for our grandparents & great-grandparents & all the elder generations, for sustaining them, & for all you've enable them to do to pave the way for my generation & generations to come.
I thank you, that my Joy is complete in you. I thank you for your truth that has set me free.
I could go on & on, dear Journal, praising the Lord for all of his Blessing's upon me - even for the Bad, the trials & tribulations I've suffered, the loneliness & heartaches, failures & disappointments - for they've made me a stronger person & produced in me a moreGodly character; and also they're drawn me nearer to Jesus/God & He, nearer to me. Thank you, Lord.
Alright, it's 5:08 am. I will close here for now to go & prepare for my day. G-bye for now. God Bless All