The journal of Tomasio Benitez
2 January 2007
I'll try to put my thoughts on paper, dreams, hopes, past occurrences in my life, stuff that happens around here.
I'm Tomasio, from the river city, San Antonio, TX. I've been in prison since 2001 (this time) I haven't much longer to go on this sentence as I discharge in the middle of 2008, yes! Mere months away, so let me write for a year and share my experiences, failures, ups and downs, I'm forty four years old this is my fourth time in prison, this time on parole violation for something that went down and I wasn't even at fault, but to me it was a blessing in disguise for many reasons, for one, that day I was arrested I was doing or strung out on drugs so that took me away from that scene and that's something to be happy about, I don't wish this on my brothers or sisters, was going to say worse enemy, but I don't think I have any enemies, we ourselves are our own worst enemies if you stop and think it over, nevertheless its been 6 years or so I've been here and I think I needed some outlet to put my thoughts down and see what we can come up with.
I find myself here in this area of the prison called Administrative Segregation, just like in the years past when they'd separate people of color, class. It's still alive, even in modern times that we live in, see these people (administration) say I'm in a gang just because I'm from San Antonio, TX and because I'm Mexican, to oppose this allegation is fruitless because they just wont listen to you, not unless you have any information you can supply them with and then maybe, just maybe, they'll send you to another part of the state ad put you in another prison but not in ad.seg, who wins then? Not you that's for sure, and so I have to resort to live in this place where no education programs are had, no church, contact with other people, no work, no contact visits, nothing. If I would of done something to somebody than it's understood, but just because they say I'm Mexican and from San Antonio that's enough for them, i'm not the only one, they have, I'd say, close to twenty thousand on any given day, I shit you not, look it up under TDCJ.com, look under ad. Segregation. Population, total.
Anyway my thoughts right now are on making some money so I can pay off this debt I owe, roughly $18.00 or so, no big thing, I draw with paint to sustain myself here, I'm very fortunate to have my mother that financially supports me, she loves me without a doubt, and without her I'd be lost man. I have four sisters, I'm the middle child, the father of a daughter myself. I have a lot of nephews and nieces, cousins, aunts and uncles which I'll get to as I write.
3 January 2007
I think I'm like 18 months away from freedom, I say this because I just recently got into a bit of a problem, nothing major, this does set me back a couple of months more, the state of Texas does not pay you if you work, whereas in other states they pay you for duties performed, here they give you good time and that equals or turns into time towards your time, but man the way these people have it set up even if you work and behave you still don't get parole, classic catch-22, ive got other people who can attest to this, anyway, it is now Jan.03,07.
I ate breakfast at 3 a.m., they bring food to the cells, we don't go out of this cell other than to the shower, 1 hr. rec., after that just inside the cell read my daily bread this morning, this stayed on my mind, "what we do in life echoes in eternity," so for me to leave something good after I'm gone I have got to make a change in my lifestyles in my thinking, my thoughts, if not I just leave a negative shadow behind.
I've been trying very hard to better myself to prepare for life out there, but here the learning on school opportunities are non existent, so ive got to find a way to feed this desire, a dormant mind leaves you open to risk not getting what is good, where as if you look, search for this it's better, and so here I write these thoughts and dreams, let me get this at to you if I'll jot down more stuff during the week-
Gary-Hey!
Ok good day to you and your friends there at CRESP-
here: start off my journal for this year, I'm new a this so you'll have to bear with me and hopefully by the end of the year we may have some interesting writings, you know as i've been here I've been thinking of collaborating with some one to write a script for a movie of barrio life and the obstacles one runs into, and because the opportunities are limited in the barrio, what one does to survive and because no education or direction in life is given these are the results, don't know if I make sense, see ive seen a lot of dudes ad women throw their life away and give up hope, it hurts because ive become very conscience about myself and my race, its just something I cant see, or don't wish to see, anyway im very happy that you and the other guys there have started this because it does help, how? I don't know yet, but in the end of the year I'll have a answer for you, on how its helped me, please convey my thanks to Steve, THANKS! GRACIAS! For the last shipment/package of books, I'll be sending you a drawing later on, don't have a theme for it yet, you'll see what I mean later on, the new year has started off so so, and It looks to be a last one, hope so, so I can go home and care for my mom and step dad, they are not that that old, but they do need my help. More on this later, for now thanks again for the opportunity to bring forth my mind, it sure helps, hope to hear from you guys.
28 January 2007
Back again after a short absence, I had gotten into a little problem. I have been left in a sort of disorientation after a couple spins on a tire swing. I am in another location on this unit. This is a section to pay your sanctions off, only difference here is no commissary privileges as far as for edible stuff, no goodies. I will be here possible sixty days, and then will be given back privileges. Till then I am still doing time, and I still leave for the free world within eighteen or sixteen months. I have been meaning to write but have been busy with these valentine cards. I have had a rush of orders for them, and get paid with stamps, and this in turn, turns to currency. I can get what I need on the black market, little bit more in cost, but oh well. As I have been working, I have been recalling past memories/events. I remember one time my father picked me up from my moms house. I could not have been more than five or six years old. We went across the border to Mexico; this must have been in 67 or 66. I would stand up to better view the road so I must have been very young. We stayed in someone's house, and they had a small house/cottage in their backyard. It was a very nice house. This was 1966, in December; I woke up to the sound of some parakeets/ perikos that were in a cage outside. They would speak Spanish. I was given breakfast by some maid, we went to pick up a cargo of vegetables, that we had picked up elsewhere. In that house we were given some money. It came from a wall safe I saw them open. It was behind a picture frame. I know this sounds all Hollywood, but this is true. Then we left from there. I never knew who they were. For all I know, maybe my father was transporting some drugs or something. I don't know, they were not living together, my mother and him. One time my grandfather came around in Christmas or close to Christmas. I was much younger than three or four years old. I would see him coming from my grandmother's house, because we lived behind my grandmother's house. So I guess he stopped there first to pay his respects to her and then I guess he came to call me. I would hear his tomi tomi and my eyes would feel real bi, because in my heart and mind I knew he was bearing some gift for me and my sisters. He would bring sacks of oranges and apples, and some little toy for me and my sisters. I know he did it out of love because you could also see it in his eyes. My father, I don't know where he was. He wasn't home that's for sure, and I guess that poor man did it out of duty for an absent son and because I know he had a lot of love. Sadly they killed him in downtown San Antonio, in the year 75 or 76. I'll write down what age he was later, I can't recall it at present because I don't rightly know. I am in the process of waiting for my mom to supply me with the names of the sisters and brothers that my grandmother had, as well as my grandfather's brothers and sisters. I am trying to see if I can start a family tree, to trace them from where they came from. I know they come from Mexico down the line in 1930 something; they had some law enacted that returned some Texans to Mexico, because their parents were from Mexico therefore their children were not citizens but rather illegals. I say this because my grandma had such disdain for the government, she would say the government lied. I was too young to understand. She didn't trust any banks, so she would just carry her money with her or hide it in her room, because when my uncle or mom would ask for money she would agree on the terms that you would return the money because she needed that money back for some payment she needed to make. She, my dear grandmother always had her stash. How I loved that dear lady. She never remarried after my grandfather passed away in 1965. he was still young by standards, he died of cancer. I don't believe a clear photo of his exists, he was of the old fashion type. If I remember someone carrying me as a baby, it was him, because my mom in later years would tell me yes, your grandfather would carry you. I wonder how it would have been if he had lived to the same age as my grandmother, which was 92 years old. I love them.
As a young boy I would never miss school. I don't know what drove me to strive to make it every day to school, aside from the yearly award for no absence from school for an entire school year. I got those for 3rd 4th and 5th grade. Plus I would sing and compete for athletic events, and was feared by the other kids because I guess I thought I was bad. I was no bully, more of a crusader for the underdogs of school. I wouldn't let other people hurt younger kids or mess with the youngsters I went to class with. I don't know if I was a class leader, the other kids would follow my lead. Heck I had my first girlfriend in the 3rd grade. Rosemary Trejo, poor baby, some sick bastard killed her in her teen years. She was 21 or something. I heard some guy stabbed her. My next she was Marylou Flores, her father was a Bexan Co. sheriff, then Herminia Aluarez, this young crazy girl would force me to kiss her, but it had its fringe benefits, because she would bring to class candies, jawbreakers, hot sticks salted plums. So I would fall prey to her offerings for her pleasure. I never saw her again after the 5th grade I believe she moved to California during the summer, that's what we heard, I always often wonder what happened to other people I grew up with, I wish many times I could see these people once I get out or as I go along in life to come upon them and ask what they have done in life. Just because I am in prison does not mean I can't feel or rethink past days, to have a heart. I remember we lived in Michigan, I went to school there for a couple months, can't recall the elementary school name though, it was in Andres Michigan, somewhere close to Lansing. We passed by the freedom arch on the way back to Texas. We came back in a truck, my deceased uncle was driving. We would wave at the people as they passed by. We must have been on the road for two or three days. I don't recall how we got home to my grandma's house. Gone are those days of innocence and a much simpler life, at least to the eyes of a young carefree boy. I only went to the 9th grade; I dropped out in like the 2nd or 3rd month of the school year. I don't know how I came upon this decision to drop out. Partly because I wanted to help my mom pay the bills at home. I went to work with my uncle, My mom's brother Richard, as a painter, and I stayed there for a couple of months. Then I started to pick up bad habits that at the time I thought were the things to do or were hip or cool. How does a naive person learn without reason or purpose in life. What a father would teach and show to a son, I learned all by myself on the little my uncles or cousins would teach me. I have no regrets only of what I could have accomplished if I had stayed on the straight and narrow road. I believe I can still recourse my life at this age, I've more understanding of myself and of what life requires of you, to lead a somewhat good life. It's never too late. Late is when you are dead and buried. I'll write more this week. I will be more diligent in my writings and thoughts. I am waiting for a visit from my mom and step dad, this coming 2nd of Febuary. Let me see what develops. For now let me get back to finishing these cards so I can get them out of the way. More next letter/ entry.
February 9th, 2007
Be a couple of days since my last entry, in trying to keep a cycle going here, but by the time I put up my work materials, art stuff, dude I'm exhausted big time, I just read a book and I go to sleep. Today is the 9th of February; I've been having big thoughts as to my future upon my release from this place. I have like 15 or 16 months to go, I need to find me a job once I get out that will take me away from my city, so I can develop some type of independence, self reliant level in my life, we live a structured life here that one develops in this place and you've got to pause to realize that you'll leave this place sometimes and you have to make new cycles/lifestyle way of life, other than prison living.
I'm in ad-seg and it pains me so because we get no education around this place and as I stated anyways before I develop a brain tumor.
March 25th, 2007
It is now March 25th and I had started this like ages ago, been busy these past weeks and I don't let nobody down but myself due to my not printing down my thoughts and past occurrences that flow through my mind as time goes by. Today is Sunday I have a job to finish, artwork and I've got some more work lined up so that will keep me in a little coffee and food staples for a week or two.
Right now as of this writing and what is on my mind is my learning to fully grasp my discipline/self-discipline because we are thrown into these cells where there are no set rules or daily routine, nothing. Therefore one must realize you make your life here the best way you can at the same time keep your sanity, if you ever had it to begin with. I have been falling prey to little voices one picks up here in prison; you do it out of rebellion without your mind or person being aware of it. You're confined to a cell all day, every day, for years on end. One wants to break the monotony that we live in. Believe me ,it is very stressful at times because it is just piling up and piling, so I have be compiling, gathering my weaknesses so I can apply some discipline. It's very short on my release from these standards in prison--15 months, I got to get set up goals and thoughts, ideas put on paper and upon release get out to do that. Accomplishment, I let myself go when I was out there.
I also would like to meet some lady by mail, naturally need companionship and a return on ideas, reality related stuff. OK it's like 2 P.M, going to draw for a bit, let me see if I draw for you another concept for your heading on your mailings.
March 27th, 2007
Tuesday afternoon, 3-27-07 started out kind of gray this morning with rain on the horizon, but I guess not cause it just bypassed us.
Got some stuff on my mind cause I'm trying to get some money so I can make some debts I got. I truly dislike owing anything to anybody, especially here in this place.
I got some artwork in the works and with payment I'll take care of it. As I stated in my earlier writings, I wish to maintain some self-discipline so that I don't go overboard on my debts, for your curious mind, we got within our wing our own store that you can go to and if you're approved on credit then you can pull at some items, pay interest on it, you got like 45 days to pay it. Pay that and you can do that again. Here in this place it's just repetitions, repeat everyday come the crack of dawn, same thing day in, day out, with some little changes during the holidays. Like the next one we got is May 5th, Cinco de Mayo. To celebrate the independence of the French forces in Mexico, that's the night that Padre Hidalgo gave the battle cry. So we celebrate that here with a big meal that we all pitch in for, food, drink (coffee, sodas and illegal spirits.) We have a talent show so whoever wants to sing, tell a joke, poem, well that's your night. There are prizes for all participants.
But back to my bills, I got to start on some Easter cards, Mom day cards and I'll make me some funds.
I'll write some more later. When we were young, my sisters and I, we used to go to this lil church in our neighborhood and they had bible classes. I don't know if we went more for the cookies and punch after bible studies or the studies themselves. I can more or less remember the taste of the punch, weird. It was an old church then, the time was 1966 or 67, I was small. Bunch of good that did for me, no regrets though, jus wish I could know then what I know now, but life is an experience and the wise go through life with their eyes open.
Let me get to work over here and I'll make some more entries later in the week, happy trails!
1 April 2007
Want to say it's the same thing everyday, in a sense it is, but my thoughts and outlook change as everyday goes by, but my only if you pay attention to your surroundings on your mind, if your conscience, aware, which is the case with me, my mind is filled with what I wish to do once I get out of this place, the anticipation has to be quashed (?) put to the side, nothing I can't handle or deal with. I make my days go by working on art and on not trying to pay attention to my emotions on feeling I have because I've found its better to just look around to the next day, one day at a time.
I always think of the people I went to school with, what became of them, where are they, what has their life been, what is their outlook on life, do they appreciate life or what life is.
This is something I very much want to pursue, possibly open some website on go look for people in the old neighborhood to see where they are and what has become of them.
I also have to look for this lady who I had a short affair with when I was very young, supposedly she has a soon and possibilities that he is my son, this I would very much like to find out to be continued.
I have a daughter but the communication is not there, sadly she has build some wall that does not let me enter, maybe since I got out I can reestablish my presence in her life, I don't blame her but she has to give me one more chance to make amends and most importantly that I don't wish to shut her out my life, because I grew up without a father in my life my outlook on early experience were by myself and I lacked a father figure or a big brother in my life to steer me in the right direction, I have no regrets because I have been blessed with a mother who has never abandoned me and has shown only love and caring for me, that to me meant everything, I have yet to live and I shall fully grasp life this time around because I refuse to be egotistic again, I tell myself this every time I feel anger arising due to my present situation and I don't wish to live/exist like this any more, I am going to join some NA group when I get out and as I write this journal I will let flow of my thought an d experiences and feelings as to why one puts themselves in that type of situation, drug use, what do you hide when you use, where do you wish to go when you use, what is it that you look for in there, I think many times it was just peer pressure and lack of direction and just thinking that is the thing to do, no more, I shall try hard to respect my life more, once they turn the light on you that's it, what have I really experienced in life, nothing, I've yet to fully experience fatherhood, I want to be a father to a child as I never had a father, I wish to be as the next person who labors on a job to make life happen for him, I use to steal, shoplift, sell drugs, any fools can do that, but to be a man is to free life and live life, that's what I want to do.
I was very fortunate to of had met my grandparents, on both sides of my family, that gives me a lot of pleasure, what distresses me was that they never saw my full potential and be more assetive as far as being a grandson, I can still make a life for myself and I am, these walls can keep some other soul captive they have been my company for many silent years and I know there's more to life and that is what keeps me going, with the knowledge that I can make a difference and I will make a difference, well I'll write more later on, I can hear these guys discussing who will be the cook for their group when we make a spread (to eat) for cinco de Mayo, more on this later.
I will write more later on.
July 16th, 2007
Making another entry, after a bit of an absence. Have been diligent on my writings but it's due to my not fully committing myself to these writings. We are presently in a unit lockdown, nothing serious, it's kind of like a spring cleaning of sorts, only bad thing is we get cold food johnnies, that's what they are called. We shall survive and get back on track by next week.
Been having a lot of my mind lately. My pending release has given me cause to really think about what I want to do with my life and if I will revert to the type of lifestyle I used to live--unemployed, drug abuse, having no future. Having come to realize that I don't have but one life to live and if I continue in this vein then I am just doomed to fail again and eventually bring myself back to this place. Many people say they are sending me back to prison for such and such a reason, when in reality we bring ourselves back. It's time for me to be more responsible and start acting like a man and learn to live as a human being. Here where I am kept, there is no life here, one merely exists from one day to the next. This is what has opened my eyes about what I plan on doing, because if not then this is where I will be for years on end if I come back I'm liable to go insane man. Speaking of which, just this past weekend we had some drinking.
I can remember way back when I was at the most 4 or 5 years old. I'd go to the bakery that was like 3 blocks away from my grandma's house. I don't know if I asked for permission or not. The man who owned it was an old guy. He had one arm, the other was amputated from the elbow down. I used to work or help out at the corner gas station also. I was 6 or so, I don't know where I got the notion I should work. Possibly I got passed along good genes, but mostly I owe it to my deceased uncle, Jose Ybarra. I grew up without a father. I can remember I'd spend a lot of time with my granda, which was my uncle. Mom can remember he'd tell her, in Spanish, and this one who is he, your guard, cause if he with her all the time and he would tell me a man needs to work and take care of his family. So like I didn't have a father and in my family it was 4 sisters. Well then I just took it onto myself that I would work to bring home money. This was like in 1967-69 around that time.
We used to go swimming at this park that my mom would take us to when we were young, about 9 or 10 years old. My sisters and me, those were the days of innocence and my dream was going to the service, Marines, so I could become a soldier. And I wanted to build my mom a house, then I'd tell her I'll build you a house in the backyard. She'd tell me what happened to my house. Ha, but I can still do this and reclaim that dream.
Ok, will write more tomorrow.