The journal of Rene De La RosaTable of Contents:
28th October, 2006Well, not much happening. The fool who got dropped on 8 building was one of mine, but it was mine who did it. I don't know what he did, but I know it was an accident. But even then, accident or not, those Homeboys are going to Tarot Unit (Death Row). My boy "B.B.Q." considering going "solo". A lot of solid Homeboys doing it. We all getting fed up with the b.s. going on. I just threw out to "Popcorn" a line about the happening w/ T.S. I figured something would change cause all the Homeboys who were on lock down are now up. There are clam, cool heads in that group. So only time will tell. Seriously getting fed up with all this though. All the games, the politics. I hate I came to prison. The majority of these guys do. Only because they have nothing better to do. You don't find too many fools who keep it real or tell it straight. The only time they do is when they caught. You know what, its beg. I'm fed up with Beg. Seems like I'm feed up with everything. Holiday season. I can tell. I always get down during this time. 6 yrs and still feel green. 29th October, 200611:40 P.M. Quick entry. Waiting on the first game (N.O. & Baltimore). Well I've been sitting here evaluating my problem (Being "fed up"). It all comes down to this. I'm fighting myself, making myself aggravated. See, because one 1/2 of me wants to get out and beat the living hell out the T.S. guy down the run from me. I could to and be 1/2 in the right. We are at WAR after all. That's the part I've been trying to change. I want to "cell warrior" (talk trash), pick a fight, "jack" his lines, all that trash, but the other 1/2 of me, the 1/2 I'm trying to be NOW, is trying to lay back and chill. I've got to let them "T.S." trip first. We cannot. That's what is aggravating. Not my nature to be patient or calm and collected. Good thing I've been practicing, these last few months, or I wouldn't of been able to hold on this long. I don't want to trip at all, cause if I get rolled for another "assault case", like the one that put me in Ad Seg in the first damn place, I have to start my 2 years all over again. It won't be no simple "fight" case, not back here, not now. So, God willing, both our doors stay closed, and neither of us get that chance. That's a nightly prayer. Sounds funny coming from myself, but it's true. I want to get to "population" again. I want to see my family and kids. I want to be able to move around, not be confined 23 hours in a 8' by 10' cell. Oh shit anyways game time!!! Damn, my 49ers are gonna get smashed : ( They play Chicago. HaHa My Wife's team. 1st November, 200610:34 P.M. So pissed off right now. Sitting here listening to Wednesday messages. I told the folks I'd listen 3 Wednesdays ONLY. I sent them the phone # 3 weeks ago. Aggravated that they can't even call. I can understand they can't come visit. Cool, not trippin'. I can wait. But its been 6 fucking years since I've seen or heard from the folks. Sure they send me a letter once a year, but damn they act like its hard to write a one page letter or make a 30 second call. Being lonely isn't fun. I've got family, but they are very un-communicative. I've at least have them in my corner, and that's a blessing considering all the bullshit I've put them through. Especially considering the fact Apa is a Sheriff Deputy, and a lot of my shit was w the "Law". I can't vent my frustrations on them, that be wrong on my part cause I put myself here. But damn I need them, to hear or see them. Life is to unpredictable and tomorrow is never promised. I don't even want to chance the last visit, the last time I heard the sound of their voice was in '01. I shouldn't be hurt. I shouldn't of got my hopes up. This shit is all my fault. I figured I'd make it easy for them. Instead of a 4 hour drive for a 2 hour visit, just call once a week. I'm going to give myself a couple or few days to calm down then write them one more time explaining the phone call & message thing. What else surprises me is Patience hasn't even wrote me a letter. Now that hurts cause I thought we were getting close, but I guess when I refused to answer her question 'bout "if I was in a gang" made her mad or something. I need to get a better control on my emotions and stop getting my hopes up when I Know Better. 4th November, 20063:48 P.M. Well, I'm over my aggravations. Took me a couple days. I vow not to let that happen again. A "Personal Promise". I don't like being like that. To be in Seg is to be "agged". But a weak minded person will go crazy back here with no way to vent his frustration. I work out to relive mine. That's why I'm calm now. Thursday night I "shadow boxed" for 3/3 minute rounds with a minute rest in between. Here in prison a fight will never go that long unless it's a riot (full scale). I boxed hard the whole time to wear everything down (mind, body, soul, spirit). Everything I had went into each punch. At the end I decided to write home Monday night. See if I can't one more time explain to them why I need to hear from them. Homesickness sucks and I've been that way for 6 years. Anyways moving on. No change in our "War" with T.S. probably won't be for a few more months. They've been shipping people lately. Just heard 3 fools from "T.S." just got shipped last night. They went to "Grip Lewis" High Security (Super Seg.). They making room for more people back here. That sux. Well anyways, last, I did a card I'm going to send with these journal entries when I send them in. Can't wait ill Sunday. Giving San Francisco +10' vs. Minnesota. That might be good for 500 pushups with my neighbor. 8th November, 200611:56 P.M. Sitting waiting on "Coast". Didn't get a message tonight, but didn't really expect one either. Not upset though. Do miss everyone, more than usual. Guess "Holiday Gloom" is hitting me this year. Gotta shake it. Well Democrats won House & Senate . Let's see how back they screw shit up. Republicans should of seen it coming though. Everyone crying about the WAR, sex scandals and Scandals in general. I'm for Freedom of Speech, but I'm also for censoring the media. They have too much power & things that should stay secret, such as military & intelligence matters, should stay out the papers. That only gives our enemies a heads up. I don't like that cause I don't want them to hit us again. Well only time will tell. Gonna draw a couple cards for "Turkey Day" see if I can make a couple dollars. Doing bad on toothpaste and deodorant. Hope Mom & Dad come through for X-MAS so I can re-up on hygiene for the year. Oh as for last Sunday, (last issue), HA! My ticket had 7 losses, out of 12 games. Who would of thought Miami Dolphins could of beat Chicago Bears. Good thing me & Valerie, my wife, aren't writing anymore, cause that's her team. Now only if 'Frisco could win a couple more. Oakland too. Well that's all "Coast to Coast" is starting! 12th November, 20069:54 A.M. Waiting on the game. Nothing really happening last four days. Same 'ol b.s., on a different day. Got some jalapeños from "Cosme" about 3 days ago. Buy, been feeling those damn things since : ) ! I don't have a gallbladder. Got it removed in '94., so it's a little worse. Had a cold, check it, but still gonna go to medical? Time to eval this. They're changing out rec. Damn I hope Frisco wins, and I do good on my ticket. Gotta get good at this, so I can make some money. 15th November, 200612:00 P.M. Quick entry. Got Blown out Sunday. 12 losses out of 15 games. That's horrible!!! Next, hurt myself yesterday doing sports. Think I pulled a muscle at 300. Still pushed it to 500, thought it took me 15 min. Hope the folks call tonight. Give my right arm, figuratively speaking, to hear their voice. Thanksgiving is next week. Time to sit back and reminisce. Boy I miss Momma's cherry pie. She made only 1 every year. Mine Valerie started to do it too. Come to think of it, I had 3 other X's make me a Cherry pie. Ha Ha Ha!!!!! Sitting here thinking about that. Old Memories . Anyway, thinking too far as that gonna depress me. Well, as I said nothing new. Gonna flip my schedule. Missed "Coast to Coast" for a week, and that's too long. I'm out!!! 18th November, 200610:12 A.M. Been 3 days since my last entry and something has been jumping. My blood got to boiling 2 days ago after I received a kite from my Homeboy over in C-section. Apparently his neighbor and a guy above him have been "jooging" at him in the vent. Well, his neighbor "jammed" my homeboy up and they had words. So his neighbor says first thing smokin' he's going to get him. Now, my homie is not a punk, but he only has 9 months left to go home. Sometimes if you get out your house they try to get you with a free world Escape case. That's another 5 years, and I don't want him to catch time. It's funny though cause his neighbor is A) Snitch B) A "Catch Out". I know for a fact cause I was over here when he did it. So now he wants to try to fight my homie, but run from another fool. I've gone told "Chino" to chill out, let that fool try first!!!!! The fool is T.C.B (Texas Chicano Brotherhood). We just got done beating them up!!! The dumb ass is going to get shit started again. Next issue T.D.C.J. has done it again. Anything to keep us down there're going to do it. Now, we are not longer allowed to send out handkerchiefs. It is now contraband to draw on handkerchiefs and send them out. It's bullshit plain and simple. They do this so we are forced to buy art pads & art boards, which are a lot more expensive than handkerchiefs. They said something about not being able to send out cards, either. But, why sell art pads, or art paper if we can't send out or make cards? I'm gonna see if I can send mine out cause its art paper. "Indio" just send one out but his is commissary bought card paper. So we'll see. Monday when I try. Enough for now, my hand hurts, did master sheets for 6 hrs. Hope I win today & tomorrow. 800 pushups on the line :). 21st November, 200612:49 A.M. Quick entry. Really just wanted to start off next week (this wk, sorry : )) entry. Thanks giving just around the corner. Boy, I'm still upset that we cannot send things out anymore. They are forcing us to spend $2.50 on bullshit art boards. Every year for 5 years I've sent home to Val and Haley a handkerchief. Now, I'm not allowed. Hopefully this bullshit won't last. Hmmm Oh. Jimmy just slid back from the Blast, Again. He needs to get his heart right. Square business. Got a Cappuccino and mintstick coming in the morning : ) Might have some coffee coming too. One more month and Ill be able to make store!!! Gonna bust a $20 Hygiene off the jump. Well, that's about all "Coast to Coast" is going to be good. I'm out!!!! 25th November, 20068:00 A.M. They did us good on Turkey Day!!! Got 3 pieces of cake & 2 pieces of pie. A bunch of meat & dressing. I had food still at breakfast. On top of it "Buckaroo" shot me a bag of food Hum, "Big Jerry", "Skully", and "Flaco" cooked up. All my working out, wasn't for shit. Gotta go hard for 3 weeks now to work it off. Not trippin'. Hey, we might have Huntsville backing off on the cards. Fools are getting outside help!!! That's good I really want to send something to my wife & little girl. And to my family. I do every year. Can't wait for X-Mas. I'll get to go to store next month. Stock up on my hygiene for the year. Spoil myself a little too : ). Let's see. What else. Oh, bitch ass Longhorns lost to ATM. Can't believe that!! Michigan, my team, lost to Ohio St. SHIT I was in tears, (metaphorically speaking). Well that's about it, nothing new or earthshaking to report. 28th November, 200610:00 P.M. Well, 3 things that happened. I got 2 letters yesterday. One from a pen pal. She seemed pretty cool. She does oiling paintings or fixes them. I'm kind of confused. But I wrote her; hopefully hear something before X-Mas. Oh yea, she's 17 and her name is Aryana. Pretty name. Next letter baffles me. A girl named Mandy wrote me. I don't remember her, though I'm supposed to know her. She told me that me and lucky don't like each other. That's true. She said, he says I snitched on him. UN TRUE. I did write a statement but I told them what I did not what he or Bear did. Next, hell his statement snitched himself off. Anyways it's understood we fighting first chance we get. I hate it cause in California we were close. MAN its been bugging the shit out of me. I've been pacing the house trying to get my thoughts together. How to tell Mom and Dad, the girls, Holy, Valerie that I'm going back to Seg. For beating the hell out of my brother, Flesh/Blood, and his homeboys, because no doubt they're going to "click" (jump me). Anyways, also Mandy told me my X-Brother John Adinick AKA "Dizzy Devil" is also on Leuky Boy's Unit. Wonder what he did. Time to pay deep attention to the CCHO. Last issue. I think pretty soon our administration is going to star regulating our mail and internet access from the outside. Some guys have their families post their info on the internet in hopes they can find a pen-pal. Other families download and print stuff out for the ones they have locked up. Little things, really. But I think this is soon to stop. They are already arguing in court in 2 states. Texas, of course and Arizona. We have the strictest prison system in the U.S. If there is something we, or they, feel is a luxury they are going to take it. Double jeopardy, not only are we playing society debt, but now the prison systems are trying now to punish us also for things or crimes committed in the free-world. It's a trip, but its being allowed. We barely won a minor victory about our cards. For now they are going out, until after the holidays. Then new rules and guidelines will be enforced. We can't buy handkerchiefs anymore. Rumor has it we will soon not be allowed to cut art boards anymore. Either do a full board or nothing. They are trying to force us to buy art boards ($2.50), and not make the most of them. We learn to recognize "game" and schemes and prison. You have to or you won't survive. So, we know what they're doing. People in the free world don't recognize it. That's the truth. Officers who work in prison see it, but most don't care. The other, if they back the system they are black-balled. Who wants to lose a promotion or a job for a bunch of idiots who deserve to be locked up? This is the general attitude of all officers. No wonder we getting screwed over. On a closing note, just a fun fact. T.D.C.S. is strapped for cash and unfunded. Get rid of $40 items, leave on $2.50 times. Which accumulates more money???? 2nd December, 200610:08 P.M. Real quick entry. This "T.S." fool went to "cell warrior-ing" w/ "Flaco". It reminded me why I do not like these "families". They use to play, and Flaco was "jooging" at him, fool wants to catch an attitude and tell him not to mess with him. Wants to play when he wants. No no it don't go like that. I almost got in the door cuase I thought the fool took a shot at me. But I think and pretty confident he knows better. It's really nothing for me to beat him down. Don't want o, won't unless provoked, but its really nothing. Anyways, tired of that. My patience is going. I know within the next 30 days I'll be going to store and I can't wait. I gotta re-stock my hygiene. That's all I'm really worried about. Hmmm. They let my card go out too. That was good. I heard they letting certain handkerchiefs go out too, but must have approval of mailroom. I guess my grievance step #1 did something after all. I won't take all the credit though cause about 80-100 fools filed on it. Sad in a sense cause this is a 4000 man unit. Only a fraction of us filed. Need more unity amongst inmates. Last, yesterday we had Ms. Strichard working. She is one of those officers who are power hungry and likes to do things her way instead of the right way. It was 23 degrees F outside. Rained & sleeted all night. We are not supposed to be put outside in under 30 degree weather. She knew this, but yet still tried. She knew damn good and well it wasn't supposed to go down, especially with ice on the rec yard. Well she got what she wanted. Everyone V.R.ed., but we try to call rank down here. She knew she was wrong. So did Dixon & Sicks. Dixon refused to work with her after lunch. For real. Even he said she wrong. Anyways point to this is I'll be facing a case soon, unfortunately, because we are writing her & Sicks ups an a Step #1 grievance. We know with out a shadow of a doubt she is going to retaliate. She is know for this. She took 2 radios, 3 hot pads and at least 6 pairs of headphones in one day, off one section (only 14 people). They wrote her up about 3 weeks before. So I've got to duck low under her radar, cause I'm going to be a target. Damn. At least they'll be 5 of us who'll file on her again if she trips. If hell. When she trips. I thought she was going to roll my neighbor cause they had words. Anyways that's the last 2 days. 4th December, 200611:48 P.M. Waiting on "Coast to Coast". Day has been long. Seemed to go slow. I'm hoping that rumor I heard yesterday isn't true cause if it is there'll be a racial conflict soon. How can one group, or race, of people get mad because 2 other groups are at war? Mad because they getting locked down for 3 or 4 days. This isn't a day care center. It's prison. Stupidity like this is why we don't have a lot of benefits other prison systems have. We want to police each other, what about the laws? They're the ones putting a foot on our necks. I'm aged because I don't want a racial issue right now. Us and T.S. are at war. P.R.M and Aztec's are at War. T.C.B. (Brotherhood) & T.C.B. (Bombers) are war. There is still animosity between San Antonio Tango & Mexican Mafia. My writing this makes me wonder A) why? B) is it worth it C) will it unify my race? I can answer the last. NO. I'm tired of this unit, seriously. So much Bullshit. Got about 3 more years left, at most. Can't wait till Feb for S.C.C. Actually can't wait till Jan to make store. Well TACO BELL has an E. Coli out break. Terrorist attack?? Oh, last thing. Sundays, picks, I blew up 8 losses. Got to start paying more attention. Can't believe S.F. played the way they did. 7th December, 20064:05 P.M. I'm out of shape!!! Sore from working out yesterday so I decided to do some shadow-boxing today. Was only able to go 7 minutes. One round of 4 min. 45 sec rest 3 min round. I tried to go again for another 3 min round but I couldn't even lift my arms. My jab was low, low looowwww. Kind of funny though cause I told my self 4 rounds (12 minutes). So, I've got to work on that. On that racial issue, lil' bird told me. They've been talkin' it out. Gooooddd!!!! Don't want to be locked down for X-mas. Stayed in today cause Bruns worked. Surprise!!!! He didn't do any shake down. I own "Cosmo" 200 pushups. I also have a hundred pushups on the game tonight. Go Pittsburg!!! Last, I hope I get a letter tonight. I need one. Especially from home. Anyways, nothing else happening, more later! 10 December, 200611:10 A.M. Me and my boy Cosmo went head to head today early this morning. Over bullshit. We squashed it, but point is we live beside each other for a year. Our quirks are getting to one another. We too close to have an actually fall out. But they say opposites attract & likeness repels. Anyways "Flaco" had a fall out with that "T.S." fool. It was a simple one on one confrontation but, and this strengthens my position on "families" now the rest of "T.S." doesn't mess with him anymore (Flaco). Sissy's!!! Well it's Sunday, game day!!! Let's go 49ers!!! Oh and this is silly but true. I know x-mas carols except a few. Some get on my nerves so I never bothered to learn them. 12 days of Christmas is one of these. Can't stand the damn song. Always tune out when I hear it. Well I'm learning it now. Cosmo teaching me. My favorite carol is "The Drummer Boy". Man, I need Dec. to end. I need to get to store and stock up on my hygiene. Savage business. Last little note, the girl I wrote early last week, I'm hoping to hear from her soon. Did 2 cards. Both came out good but one get fucked up on the back, must of put it in some dried coffee by accident. And it came out so good!!! Ah!!! Time to set up. Go Frisco!!! Well, blew up 'Frisco lost : ( San Diego Won. Caught a case. Boy frustrated as hell cause I was slipping. I misplaced something, went to shower & they "kicked doored". They found it and now I'm looking at 15-30. I do NOT need this shit. Seriously, I'm going to try to plea bargain. Shit 15-15. I need my hygiene. Sure I can fly till Feb and I can get the homeboys to look out, but shit I don't need this. Oh well. Slips count in our world. 12 December, 20061:00 P.M. Nothing going on really. I know my case hasn't gone "Major" cause no major case worker has come to investigate. Oh well, as I said. Made $2 yesterday. Sold 2 pair of commissary socks. They were just taking up space so I said "why not?". This offcer named Lagne (pronounced Lane) came back to Seg from population. Said there was too much snitching out there. Ha! He snitches on fellow officers. He shock me down today. I guess he just wanted to make his presence known. Hmmm. They should pass out cards soon. End of this week or next. I need to get started on this handkerchief, but have been bullshitting. Gonna starch it tonight if I can get an extra milk. Got to have it done by the 20th. No later. Oh last thing. I hate I did it but I had to step on Flaco's neck. He wants me to shot me a kit trying to check ME. I tied off in my kite back to the fool. He's semi-stupid or has no sense cause he trips over stupid shit. I don't like having to put on my "jump out boot" on people like that. B.S to the side, I think he's 1/2 retarded. Long story short, he apologized and seen the light. 14 December, 200610:32 A.M. Boy, I found out some distressing news. Deodorant went up $0.80. $1.05 to $1.85. I've told everyone T.D.C.S. needs money so they gonna tax us. Shit we need, hygiene has all gone up at least $0.50. Talk about nickel and diming a fool to death. They fucked off my whole commissary list. Anyways, "Coast" was good last night. Talkin' about the Great Pyramids and how the dudes theory says angels made them, which makes more sense than Egyptians. Hell yeah! Cake today, pineapple cake. I fucked up the handkerchief I was doing . I was so made I flushed it. Gonna see if "B.B.Q." has a spare one. I really want to send one to the family and one to my wife and daughter. I wish I could send one to Tony but Patti isn't letting me have contact. No surprise there. I've resigned myself to the fact my little boy will never really know me. I only had about 2 years with him. He's 12 now. So, it kills me but its not my fault. Well at first, getting locked up was. Anyways, no more of that. Wake up feeling like "UUGH". Not going anywhere either "V.R. 2x's". Well 11 days till X-Mas "HERE COMES WARDEN COOK HERE COMES WARDEN COOK, get out of Warden Cook's way" DEE DE DEE DUM DE DUM DUM (sing to tune here comes Santa Claus : ) 17th December, 20068:10 A.M. Count down to X-Mas. Been awake for almost 18 hours. Gonna pain freak cause it game day. My '49ers beat Seattle!!! Hell yeah! They don't play today but S.D. and Oakland play. Come on S.D.!!! I went vs. OAK. They trash. Man to think this is the very first year I've been kept up with football my whole life. I usually hate it cause I'm a boxing and kickboxing/Martial arts person. But once I've learned, its fun. Basketball too. Lakers were in double O.T. vs Rockets. Both are teams I favor so I didn't choose. Let's see what else has been going on the last 3 days. Still waiting on that magic letters and kind of hoping that girl from N.Y. writes back. Mandy too cause I'm dying to know, or rather remember who she is. Oh yea, decided to send a bunch of cards to P.E. to clear out excess. Yeah! I remember got my Step #1 back, Huntsville overturned it's decision all the way on cards & handkerchiefs. That's gravy!! I'm hungry they need to come on with chow. Anyways, Cosmo has come out the shower and Skully is in the day room. Time to talk football!!! Go 49ers (I already know they aren't in the playoffs but anyways!) 19 December, 20068:04 P.M. How do I start?? I'm awe struck, speechless and coming from me that's saying something. Okay let's try. Every year the Christian community of Abilene gets together a little something for us prisoners. For the past 5 years the thought alone is what counted because the "gift" was usually apple & oranges, a bar of soap, toothpaste and a couple pieces of candy. I'm not one of these fools who complain thought cause of 2 things. It shows some still care and that is the most important. Second received something is better than nothing. Sometimes I question the outside world on the harshness and bitterness shown to prisoners around the U.S. I question if anyone truly cares for us unfortunate who really don't have A) a close family B) anyone at all. Sometimes I question our father and fate. I question faith and generosity. Cynical sometimes. And it always seems, in some way, I'm answered. Tonight I was answered, checked, put in my place and humbled. I say all that because I know me, or the old me, I would of never done what these people have done. Think and calculate as I have. Each bag contained at least $12 worth of blessings. Multiply that by 2,600 and you get $17,600. That's how much for my unit alone. Next door we have Middleton Unit. They provide for them too. All in the spirit of Christmas. Man I'm rambling cause I don't know how to say in words what I'm feeling. Funny, cause here is 1/2 of what it is. From a complete stranger, I feel cared for. Like I'm somebody again, not a #. Like I still matter. That some in the world still care. (Ah back door!!!!) Mail call read my P.E. letter. Damn I feel good. So gary and all, damn "Thank you"! From the bottom of my heart. I'm a religious person, kind of, and I feel he's trying to tell me something this year. The kindness of the church, the kindness of all at prisoners express, to a girl sending me a card. A girl I don't even remember. It's a radical night. I don't pray after one gives thanks to my Father. But tonight I will. I remember some still care now. I see...I don't know??? I see I'm touched by kindness, and it doesn't happen after. I'm speechless. 23 December, 20067:34 P.M. Got letters yesterday. 5 of them. My baby sisters, all of them. Usually its only Patience. Hope's little card hurt a little though, I won't be. I spoiled the shit out of there 3 almost so bad as Haley & Pony. She asked if I would make a better choice next time. How do you explain something like that an 11 year old. Who really doesn't understand? What about Haley when she gets old enough to ask. Well I'm going to try. The toher, Patience & RBaby's cards were uplifting. Dad's letter was hilarious. Momma didn't write this year, oh gotta find out what's up with that. This is the first time in 6 years. I also got a letter from Aryana and a picture she pained. I can tell I'm going to enjoy writing her. She seems very intelligent and knowledgeable. Also seems very mature. That's terrific!!! Gonna write her after I make store. I'm not trying to buy stamps. Next, tomorrow is X-Mas Eve, I'm going to "V.R." 2x's tomorrow. It's someday & Seriously. Patience's letter cracks me up. I know I'm jumping back n-forth. Anyways, long-n short, gonna write everyone week after next. Ah an a closting note. Mandy wrote me too, so I've got to write her. 25 December, 20061:04 A.M. Merry Christmas!! My ticket blew up!! Lets see, if I was in the world, first would have been MASS then to Apa's house for presents there. Christmas morning my house for my family opening. Haley is 6, so Barbies etc, Ponyboy is 12 so P.S.3 or X-Box. Valerie would of got jewelry and probably some sexy lingerie. Brothers misc. Man, I'm not depressed, down, but not depressed. I wrote Aryana today. Oh shit we won 2nd place!! She seems like a real good person. She has talent in drawing or painting. I think she's smart and mature. Feels good to have someone to write to. Hope it goes on for a while. Started a rough draft on my letter to Hope. I need to get it just right so there is no misunderstanding. Man, but it feels good to hear from the rascals. By the way, what is Emo? Patience says she's not emo. It seems funny though on one level because I've only been gone for 6 years. There is so much that's changed in that time. In here we see changes rarely. Usually it's in rules, but for the most part we remain unchanged. I couldn't imagine getting out of prison right now. I think it would scare me, at least a little. I have 2 life sentences stocked. 60 Years. I can only pray I'm dead by that time. Well, tonight before bed I'm gonna pray. Every year, tonight is a must. It's wrong I know, but I feel the Father will listen to me at least tonight. I'm a sinner. I know it. I try not to exceed, if you could understand. I cuss, lust, lie and other sins. I try not to lie, but I'm not going to snitch on myself to an officer. But I will not use the Father's name in vain, or really any of the 10 commandments I try never to break. Tonight I ask for forgiveness for those sins. I'm not a hypocrite. I won't waste His time asking to forgive me for swearing, cussing or listening because I know I will still do it. I've stated before, earlier in this journal, that I'm trying to change my ways. I haven't stopped, I'm still striving for my goal. I refused to be pulled into arguments, or let myself lose my temper. I refuse to be pulled into politics. I'm trying. Tonight is my prayer night, for sure. Tonight I lose myself in memories. Tonight I say I'm truly sorry for what went down 6 years ago exactly four days from now. But that's all the down. I've said it, I'm a religious person. Tonight I put down, or away my cynical side, my bad side, figuratively speaking, and rejoice. Jesus was born this day about 2006 years ago. 27 December, 20061:42 A.M. That day is almost here. 2 more days. Not a day goes by that I don't wish for that day back. I would say "stop"!! I would of never agreed, knowing now what I know. Life is to valuable, all life. If I could, I'd tell the families "I'm sorry". But being a realist sorry wouldn't bring back what was taken. You can't heal a wound like we afflicted with sorry. Sitting here I just had a memory flash back. When my Grandma Francis came to Betton from Fresno. We, me, her, my dad & mom and Lupe went to the cemetery to see my Uncle Poldie. Clear as day I can remember sitting in the van as Apa & Grandma got out to go to the headstone. She took about 8 steps and broke down. Her son was taken from her and it was about 18 yeas before Apa was 16 and Uncle Poldie was 17. I remember he was crying too. Another one. Lupe was learning to play the guitar. Apa had Uncle Poldie's guitar in the shed. Apa sitting in his chair hugging that guitar, crying for his brother. Son of a bitch!! No, "I'm sorry" Wouldn't mean shit to those families. Do I blame them for spitting on Lucky & Wizard??? No, not really. It was their only form of retaliation. Did I like it. No. But I understand. Doesn't hurt them, those families, that they were advised by the D.A. and my lawyer not to give an impact statement at my hearing. I know they wanted to lash out. Damn me etc... Tell me how much they lost. Thing is, I know, I've seen it. Everyone lost. I'll never hold my wife & kids again. They'll never know me and I them. My family, Apa and Moma and Baby sisters will never get another 24 hours with me. I'll be here, not allowed to attend the funeral, if any of my family, kids or immediate family dies. We all lost. They, those families, a little more. Now I'm in prison. A place like not other. Murderers, robbers, drug dealers are 1/2 assed idolized. Killers are the top of the order. Rapists and child molesters at the bottom. Walk around with a case like mine and am accepted. Am I proud? No, hell no. I wane back and forth. I went the distance for my blood. They put my blood in jeopardy and I went the distance. I protected my family. Regardless I was coming to prison behind this shit. The only question was who was it going to be. The 2 who jeopardized my family or Bear's family, who Lucky and Bear was working for. Bear's family who was talking about talking care of all 4. Lucky, Bear and the other 2 who jacked that product. There I am once again trying to justify my action. They were wrong. Wrong. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I didn't feel as if I needed to justify myself my biggest wish. I wish for that day back. I wish, I wish, I wish. 31 December, 20069:00 A.M. The 29th came and went. Stayed in all day and reflected. Now today I caught a case. Went to shower and Ms Pritchard shook me down. Oh well. I'm not tripping. I'm still going to store Wednesday. Today is the last week of football (official week). It's been a good year!! Just wrote Satonka a four page letter venting my frustration of getting the case. That's why I'm like, oh well!! Over 6 months with out a case so it'll be minor. 15-30 (15 commissary, 30 rec.). She took my antenna. I really don't have nothing to talk about. Just waiting on the games. Prison is heating up. I won't put nothing down cause its still brewing and it doesn't have anything to do with me or mine. I said before I was going to leave this shit alone and I have : ) More later. 2 January, 200710:42 A.M. So pissed off right now. These fools always fuckin' us over every chance they get. Our store day was today, Tuesday. Well since that president died and Bush declared a holiday, these commissary workers use it as an excuse for another day off. Cool. We go to store Wednesday, right? No. They want to change our shit to Thursday. By that time that fucking case will of caught up to me. So I'll be stuck out for a fucking month. I'm going to chalk that bitch Ms Pritchard up every time she works. She is friggin' hateful and a power freak. That shit gives her power. Officers like that is what makes time hard. Those officers get beat down. They fuck with us because they can. So then we shouldn't have shit, and they try to make it happen. So when we get pushed to the point of break and we react, the only way we can, because paper work don't do shit (criminal vs. officer criminal loses 98%), we are wrong. Society fucking forgets, just because people are put in control, power, or given a responsibility, doesn't clear them up. Just gives those folks a way to exert, or take out, their problems. So it day in, day out. Officers have problems at home, and bring the shit here and take it out on us. We can't do shit. They say file paper work. What's that going to do? They don't believe us. "No-qidera" they say, or "insufficient evidence". "No action warranted". Little shit like this. We've got no win with the system. So we do what we do best, operate our way & we wrong. Always. Never mind what they do to deserve it. I don't care what society says. A person gets what they deserve. Period. 8 January, 20076:33 P.M. Second entry of the new year. So much has happened. I was mad the last entry and was venting. But regardless officers shouldn't be like that and the admin. Should weed those fools out. Well I got 10-15 (10 rec. 15 comm.). But, I still made store. Boy the family blessed me. I wasn't even prepared. I'm gonna go to store again. 2x's. Well I could drop it all at once but I'm going to space it out. Okay. Next. The officer is ?, or in the last entry (Ms. Pritchard) is always in trouble. I think rank is still getting tired of all the Step #1's dropped on her. Okay. Next: Oh boy! 6 month shake down. We on lock down right now. Been down 2 days. We'l probably get got Thur. or Fri. That's code all my stuff is legit. Had to buy a new dipole antenna. A new song. It's country "Alisa Lies", I almost cried. Tears almost came to my eyes. It's so sad. But on truth. A father, or hell any parent will feel that song. I'm going to try to get the lyrics. I may seem cold hearted to a lot of things, but its only on exterior shell that I've used all my life. My interior, through, is soft and always will be towards children. Why, or how, could a person beat up, hurt, molest or in any way harm a child??? I don't believe in "temporary insanity" please when it comes to kid cases. Sons of bitches need to be buried, underneath the prisons. "Alisa Lies" if you truly listen to the words, the meaning with all your heart, you'd understand & you'd be moved too. That's coming from a convict. 14 January, 200712:11 A.M. Gonna catch up from the 8th. Once again a lot has happened. First and foremost, they upped and moved my boy "B.B.Q." that was about 4 days ago. Boy I was sick. Me and him were close as homeboys and in proximity. Now its just me and "Cool Aid Smile". Homeboy is in C-Section. They moved Q all the way off the Pod. He's up on B-Pod now. So, that's new and kind of depressing. We were cool out in population too. Okay, that's that. Next. We are on lock-down for our 6 month shake down. We got shook-down today. All my stuff got found. Everything. Good thing was, it was all throw away only. No case! Boy I was so happy. Even if I would of got a case I couldn't be mad this time because it was my fault. Hell, I would have been rolled to 7-pod. Man I would have been sick. Blessings come when we need them. My boy "Cosmo" dman near got rolled too. They found his stuff too. I wouldn't believe they tripped the way they did though. This card is usually laid back, they were writing cases like crazy. They wrote "Chop chop" up for a tattoo gun. He's 1/2 dead and dying, no bullshit (I've spoken with him before about 8 or 9 months ago. They took him to the hospital then brought him back and I expressed outrage!). They know damn good and well it's not his, but they still wrote him up. Crazy! Okay last. Waiting on my pen-pal Aryana to write. I send her a card with the last letter, but I feel as if I was Bsing. I told her I could draw and sent her a card? So, I did a handkerchief for her. If I don't hear from her in a few days I'll shit it to her anyways. Hope I haven't scared her off. Last letter was 4 pages. Still waiting on Many fro S.A. Hope she writes too. Oh!! Last 4 real. Should be getting a letter and message from home too! This week! That's it. I'm out. 18 January, 200612:26 A.M. Well same ol, same ol. Still waiting on breakfast. They sewed cases today. 3 people got them on my section. We go to store today. That's good because I'm out of coffee. Aggravated because I can't go this week. Think I scared off Aryana. I did a handkerchief for her. Gonna send it regardless to her. Don't like saying I'm going to do something and not do it. So, I didn't get a message tonight. Kind of upset about that. They, my family, said they were going to call. Kind of had my hopes up. Gotta stop that shit. This is my last entry so I can send this off. Time to start new. 28 January, 200710:48 P.M. How about those Colts and Peyton Manning??!! S.O.B!!! That was a classic game. Bears and Colts Super Bowl 41!! I got my popcorn ready, do you?? So let's see I was hoping for some mail, but didn't get any. I'm not surprised. We are not big writers and family closeness really didn't fin in our repertoire. Don't get me wrong, we have each other but we just aren't really close. If I could change one thing, only 1 thing, in my life, it would be getting close to my family. But anyways. I just sent Aryana a handkerchief, hope she likes it. Got another fool on our pod from my home city. He's over with Chino. I'm bored. I'm probably going to do another card tonight. Got to do something, or else I'll go nuts. Going to buy a chess board on store day. Something to occupy my time. Yeah, I'm going to a card. Oh yeah, up to 15 min straight when I shadow box. My goal is 30 min straight, have it down by summer. 23 January, 20072:00 A.M. Real bad news. Being in Ad. Seg means "total lock-down". We stay in our houses 23 hours a day. Outdoors do not roll with out an officer or 2 present. It is not suppose to. Understood, these officers are humans, so some are lazy and trusting. Every now and then you'll get an officer who will "pop" (unlock) the shower door and let you walk, unaided to your house. I say all this so anyone reading this will understand the bad news I was talking about. I am a BLASTER. TANGO BLAST is what I represent. Houston to be specific. We rep our cities (H-town D-town Forthworth, A-TX, West TX). Okay here it is, we are not liked by prison "families" because we don't bow down to them. Let's put it this way. We are T.D.C.J. deterrent against all families. Race of families doesn't matter. So saying this, we are at "War" with a prison family right now. In Ad. Seg is where confirmed family members are put for the rest of their sentence. They never get out. BLASTERS do. So you can imagine what Ad Seg is like. You have at least 1 of every family on a section. At least 1. I've got one down on one row with me (one of the ones were at war with). I was sent a kite (small letter) stating that when this guy was let out the shower, he stopped at my door trying to get it rolled. In other words the fool was trying to get at me. I asked my boy and he said that didn't happen. I'm more apt to believe my neighbor than the fool who shot the kite, but regardless I've had to take steps, precautionary steps. I kept the kite, showed it to one of my homeboys that works back here. He's passing words as I write. I'm going to shoot it to my other homeboy so he can see also. So, now if my door does "pop" and me and that fool do throw down I was in the right and they tripped first. I really don't want it to, but its one of the cons of being down with someone. From this point on I will be awake during the day, from at least 7 or 8 A.M. to 6 P.M. Then I'll be safe. The fool doesn't want to come in when I'm awake, because it's even. He wants to catch me while I'm asleep. Shit, this sucks. One last thing. Got a letter from Roo Baby. She sent me a picture too. Gonna write her tomorrow. More on the above subject later. 25 January, 20072:33 P.M. More developing on that issue. But first let me speak from my heart. I really hate this. It's senseless. For real. All this could be avoided if T.D.C.J. just put as all together. Each group separate on different Pods and sections. I'm not saying this because I'm scare of this fool down the run. I'm not. Push comes to shove I know exactly what's going down and it does not bear good news for 'ol boy. I'll defend myself to the MAX. Anyways, I just see it as stupid. Lust found out though its not the first time he's tried to get in my house. Fool has a death with just that simple. The person who told me in neutral, so I won't his name or handle down on paper. Word is flying out to "population". "Game on". I wish we could of "squashed" it in population so it wouldn't carry over back here. Damn I'm tired of this unit and its B.S. I just want to do my lil ol time and get back to "population". I'm actually praying nothing happens. I don't want to do the rest of my time in Ad. Seg. Nor do I really want to go to "death row", but I will. When I come up for S.C.C. next month, I'm gonna see if I can get shipped down south. Change of scenery, change of tempo. All I ask, give me strength, give me patience. On a closing note, as a precautionary measure, I'm up from 6 A.M. to 6 P.M. until April when this fool leaves. 28 January, 20073:43 P.M. I've gotten mail 2 days in a row. Roo Baby wrote me. Aryana wrote me and Mandy also. I've finally remembered who Mandy was. She said my brother "8 Ball" lived with her. I know everyone he lived with. I'm going to write her tomorrow, because I don't have any stamps. Aryana and Roo got their letters last week. Aryana just came back from the Dominican Republic. She sent me a picture. I'm hoping she likes my handkerchief. Super Bowl is coming up next Sunday. We really need to win. I could sure use that "Pot". Not really much to say. Days been the same. I have kicked up my workout. I shadow box for 20 minutes, pretty much straight with out rest. I'm sore as hell right now. Been working it out all day. Next time I stretch. Come on S.C.C. I want to get out of Ad. Seg. I probably won't make it this time, but I'm damn sure going to try. Thinking I'll have to do at least 5 years. I don't want to, but I'm ready for the long haul. Last, I received some comics the other night. They were hilarious. Doing 2 cards. One for P. Express and one for that girl who shot them to me. Hope she likes it. Well that's all, more later. 30 January, 20071:59 P.M. ~ 2:00 P.M. Went to store today. Feels good to look in my locker and see the back. They did get my for my chessboard. They were out. Just wrote Mandy. Page and 1/2. Sending it out in the morning. Finished the cards I was working on. Send em off first thing too. Really nothing going on, waiting on the Super Bowl. Everyone is really. It's all the hype on the news right now. Speaking of which, I'm out, so I can tune in to ESPN. Send these entries off ASAP. 31 January, 20079:42 A.M. For some reason I feel tension in the air. I think ol' boy is going to try and get me door rolled so we can fight. I could be acting paranoid but there is something up in the air, no doubt. I won't work out until 5 P.M. just in case. I hope that's not what it is. If I've got to I'm going to hurt ol' boy. The reason I say this is because the guy next door and this guy over here have been shooting kites back-n-forth. Shit can happen. Damn I was trying to be good, so I could get out of Ad. Seg. Speaking of which I come up for S.C.C. in 2 weeks. I don't have my hopes up because I don't have 2 years done yet, but I'm going to try. Hey Big Jerry came out 2 times in 6 days! I was over here and year and he never came out. Now it's becoming a habit. He's alright. A comedian. He's going right now. Well on the first issue we'll see, but I think I'm right. 1 February, 20074:00 P.M. It went like this (referring to 1-31-07). We're at war. Us and them. Usually though we don't even look at each other. No, he didn't try to get in my house, but if looks could kill I wouldn't be writing this entry. Like I said we don't even make eye contact but yesterday I was 1/2 right. Something was in the air. They were made, seriously pissed, because of their "cardinals" (Spanish for brother) got smashed. It's one thing to beat up a "prospect" or flunky, it's a whole another thing to do it to a "brother". Word has it it was one who had serious "rank" in their family. Yesterday he and I were "Masking" (making I'm gonna kill you faces) at each other, seriously. I know he wanted to come in. I was ready and I think that put hesitation in his step. He discharges in 60 days, I'm going to die in here. He knows I have nothing to lose, while he has everything. I'm not saying it to brag. It's a fact of like that actually draws a line here in prison. Those who care (are able to go home), and those who don't care (Life sentences 50 and up). I just hope the next 60 days go smooth. I DO NOT want to have to act. All of this aggravates me. Why can't prison population just chill out? Why do we always feel we have to flex our muscles? No wonder why we're considered society's outcasts. Sometimes I wish it was all over. Fast forward life to my end. Just get tired of this shit. Maybe it is just Ad. Seg, or maybe I'm screwing up?? One or the other is gonna give. Oh on an ending note. Something good, I guess, it snowed like a m-fer today. Its still snowing. The weather said RAIN not snow. Snow means COLD and for a boy from California cold means HIBERNATION. I'm out. 4 February, 200710:31 A.M. I got 8 1/2 with the Bears. Go CHICAGO!!! I need it to be a close, low scoring game. Everyone is waiting on kickoff. Me? I'm waiting on lunch. Just did 20 min of shadow boxing. Non-stop. Well as the issue on 2-1-07. Still the same. We made a couple of faces at each other within the last couple of days. More on his side then mine. I'm just biding my time like a spider. But like I said, I won't act unless forced. I really hate even talking about it cause the war is over nothing. In fact I was telling Homeboy last night at breakfast. He has a kite for me from population. It's so stupid, they've done forgotten "Why". I had to remind homeboy. Stupid kid shit. I've actually been entertaining thoughts of going "solo". I'm getting tired of this. But the bad thing is, not while a war is going on That makes me look bad. Maybe if I hit another unit as screwed up as this. Oh! Chow is here. Meatballs, AGAIN. 12:41 P.M. They're rolling doors and letting us walk un-escorted. We'll see. We've been looking at each other again. That's all for now. I'll write back in a couple of hours. 1:04 P.M. No need for 2 hours, they stopped because a certain officer came back. You can tell by my hand writing my adrenaline was/is raging. They're taking ol' boy out the day room. So close, but yet so far, which is good. 48 more days until he goes home. Then maybe I can relax. That's it for now until I can write. 8 February, 20073:14 P.M. Gonna give it a couple days until I put the date. I don't want the wrong person to read this and get the officers in trouble who worked the day before. Well let's see. Yeah, I damn sure thought it was going down. He wanted it, I could tell. I really don't, truth be told, but won't shy away either. Boy it was like throwing gas line on a red-hot ember, my adrenaline surge. As soon as I seen them opening doors, I went to putting my hot-pot (coffee pot) and radio away (along with headphones) because they can be used as weapons. I cleared my floor of all obstructions, and socked up my dominoes. He was watching me, 1/2 ass. He saw me putting up my electrical appliances, and I know he heard me socking up my dominoes. That night there was a very distinctive sound. I know it sounds unfair, me with dominoes in a sock. He's 5'10 165 or 170 lbs, and with possibly with a knife. I'm 5'5" 140 lbs. Unfair? I don't care. My life, my well-being, my security all comes first. It's self-defense. Anyways I said 48 more days. Actually 24, because on A-card there is a 98% chance nothing will happen really as I think of it, its really on a scale of 100%, I only have a, at most, 6% change. That's too much. Gonna stay awake regardless. Life is exciting, and I'm fucking hating it. 11 February, 20072:10 P.M. Well, boring day. It's been a few days since the last couple of days. Nothing really new. That guy I always keep talking about? Well he started shadow boxing too. I threw out a "fishing line" at another guy who works out hard. Asked him if he was doing it. He said "no". He knew why I was asking. Oh! Well! Come on S.C.C. I think I'm going to move around. So prevent me getting in trouble, I'll avoid it. I'm not scared, I just don't want to do more time in Ad. Seg. Than I have to. I know I keep "harping" on this subject. I don't want to, but it's A) the only thing going on in my life, B) aggravating the hell out of me. It frustrates me. Always having to watch this fool, changing my night schedule to accommodate this threat. And he's not a threat, not really. He, I feel, is going to try it empty handed, I'm not. Man, this bullshit shouldn't even be happening. All because "Smiley". Well, the game is called, and I'm a pro. Like it or not I'm playing. I give it 6 more months, maybe 8, and this should be over. Well, moving on. On a closing, I'm going to try not to talk about this unless something big happens. Last, I'm about to start a card, for my pen-pal. Need to kill time. 13 February, 20072:33 P.M. Tired as hell. Only slept about 4.5 hours. I really want to take a nap but I know if I do my sleep schedule will mess up. We just went to store and I'm fat! Fat! Full!! "Indio", "Flaco" and myself just ate a "spread". It was good. Now I'm sitting here writing and drinking a soda. I've got about 3 letters to go out in the morning. About time I'm indigent. Oh! Oh! Oh! Just found out! Book 7 (Harry Potter and the Deadly Hollows) comes out on July 21st!!!! My Bday is the 14th!! Gonna be beggin, pleadin and hustling to try to get it. Gotta!! Damn, it's about time. Hey, on a thoughtful note. What the hell is wrong with people now?? Ol' boy in Utah shooting up the parking lot with that shotgun and that shit in the Naval Yard in Philly? Sometimes shit like this makes me wonder if we're not at "The End". Armageddon right around the corner, ya dig??? Senseless. 17 February, 20073:23 P.M. Nothing really going on. I'm going to write Aryana tomorrow and send her a card. Been a couple of days since I wrote. Went outside today and was only able to play 2 games of B-ball!!! I was really winded. I figured 20 min "shadow boxing" would of given me some sort of wind, guess it just worked stamina. Talked to "Indio" today. Have serious thoughts of going "solo". Just tired of all the bullshit. Found out some crap about my boy. Man it really lowers him in my eyes. He talks about being his own man and don't get my wrong he is, its just he playing "flunky" to "T.S." who we're smashing. Makes me wonder how much he's told these fools what I've told him. I got close to the cat and now I have to put distance between us, and that's messed up. Anyways, I'm also going to write home. #7 Harry Potter comes out in July. See if I can't get it. Just looked back over the last entries (1-21-07 to 2-17-07). Some shit I've repeated and I now realize I keep talking about going solo. It's been on my mind so much I want to, I see that now, but Pride well not let me in a War. RESPECT is all you have in prison and if you start acting fake, you lose it. On the issue of me and that fool, I see my self doubting ME. STOP!! One thing in my life I've never feared is DEATH, and I refuse to start now. What happens, happens. Simple as long as I stay on my "Ps and Qs" I'll be alright. On the world issue. Yeah sometimes I wish it would end, but then I think, what about my kids and my family??? Just because I'm roughing it I shouldn't get depressed. They (kids and family) will always be my BRIGHT spot in Life. I just feel as if the world is going to HELL. Those psycho Islamic extremists wanting to kill everyone not Muslim. We all need to realize, it's a phase. Only this time around they have better weapons than swords. It's really sad innocent people are getting killed over in Iraq. Especially our soldiers. They need to realize that mess over there and our Democrats need to stop trying to flex their muscles because they're only going to end up hurting us. Am I for the war? At one point, yes, but we did what we needed to do. We freed them, now its time for those silly fools to sink or swim as the U.S. did when we were first made. THE END. Chow is here. March 29th, 2007Ol' boy goes home Monday so I'm not trippin' on my schedule now. I finished a board and a card. Board for Aryana, card for P.E. I still need to do one more board and another card. The board came out good! I'll send it as soon as I get stamps. All per work. Shit, been aggravated last couple days. Really last week or so. I can't figure out why??? I'm just not in the mood to play and B.S. with everyone. Like this morning I argues with both "Cosmo' and "Indio." Usually I don't waste my time arguing with fools, but lately if they come looking, I'm gonna give it. It's not me. Ummm?? I truly think this is eating me. I know I'm not back here for good and I think my patuna is evaporating quick!! Gotta catch my snap! Fucking water if off. All of Abilene is shut off. We haven't had water since 3;00 p.m. They passed out a cup of water per cell at 8:30 p.m. I'm not trippin' They told us ahead of time they were shutting off the water, so I filled my hot pot (2 1/2 cups). April 1st, 2007Sitting here waiting for breakfast. 2 more days and Ol' Boy goes home.. No more stress unless they move another over here. Personally, I'm ready for a change of scenery. Anyways, that's one. Got another address, for a potential pen-pal See how that turns out. Going to write Mandy this week, or next. Aggravating that I write her 2/3 page letters and she writes one back that's 6 lines. Kind of hard to keep up a conversation like that. Also, was blessed with a package of books from a charity place. Got 4 comic books and one fantasy book. Got something for Aryana on Monday. Took my time and it came out good. I hope she likes it. Feels good to have someone to draw for, but on the down side it takes up all my time.. Got one card to Durland this week too. Owe another. Already started it, just gotta finish. Straight pen work. Also got something else, but gotta hustle up a stamp. Oops! Chow is here. Coast to coast is good. Evelyn Paglini is on. She is a witch. April 5th, 2007That guy went home early Tuesday morning. I can finally sleep easy. I think that is what had been aggravating me. Having to be on my toes needlessly. They moved in a cat named "Kebler." He's affiliated, but with a different "family." I know the dude from when I was a LvL 2. He's cool. Let's see. Yeah. Chino got "rolled" for kicking on his door. He had good reason, but that's no excuse for clucking. -D-Pod is filling up with homeboys. 3 H-Town, 1 A-Town. I'm all by my lonesome on -C-Pod. Only bad thing 'bout Homeboy getting rolled is he had my song lyrics and poems, but he shot me a kite saying first thing smokin' he's gonna try and get them back to me. I go to S.C.C. sometime next week. Gonna go down there and see what they're talkin' about. Not expecting shit though, don't have 2 years yet. That's all that's up now. Same ol, same ol!! April 7th, 2007Okay, back track to 4-5-07. I received a package from P.E., but some of the stuff was denied. One thing I can understand, the other (paper), I don't. The idiots have let me have it 2 other times before. Why deny it now? Stupidity on the past of thee mailroom. Boy that denial pissed me off. Okay. That was a back flash. Yesterday nothing really happened. They're painting again, this time our doors. They have that aggravating ass fan blowing. Oh, all of a sudden it's cold again outside/inside. Had to break out my blanket! Stayed asleep for 10 hours. Or actually just in bed. (Hahaha!0 I think I'm going to sell these comic books later on. I'm going to need another art pad, since these hoes denied my art paper sent to me. Last, got to start another card for P.E. Waiting on a letter from Aryana, and I'm going to write Mandy this week. Hopefully she'll actually be talkin' about something. I'm out. April 9th, 2007Boring day, quick entry. Want to put thoughts on paper. I go to S.C.C this week. I don't think I'm going anywhere. Only have 23 months. Minimum requirements say 2 years, but I'm going to try, or at least see what they're talkin' about One thing I'm not going to get my hopes up. Tell the decision later. Next thing they moved a guy I know downstairs down the run from me. He has a "Bro" upstairs. Ol' Boy upstairs has been "church mouse quiet" for the whole time he's been over here, but all of a sudden now he has a "Bro" over here he wants to be loud and argue with fools. He wants to be "Hard." This is a prediction, knowing prison politics, these 2 "Brothers" are going to have a fall out with fools over here. That's my prediction. And the fault is going to be on the one upstairs. The one downstairs has a cool head, and knows how to speak. Give is 6-8 months. More later. April 12th, 2007Well, went to Classification, and hopefully this time next month I'll be back in Population. It's not for sure though. Was a lady in Classification Huntsville said she's taking my file back to her office and review my records. Could be good, because I don't have a lot of cases, but could b bad because I'm affiliated and my homeboys have been to "war" twice in 2 years. She said my answer will be in the mail, so I'll find out next week sometime. Most fools were getting shot down clean. I also hope the same went for my boy, "Jimmy." Hope thy let "Ozzy" out too. I also tried to put in a good word for "Sleepy," but he's a LvL 2 now. Fucker got rolled. Hopefully, I get out here too. Got unfinished business with some Homeboys. Gonna get some act right!! Okay enough of that. Next. My boy "Cosmo" had a fall out with "Buckaroo" over gambling on chess. "Buck" wanted to try and win his $1 back from my boy. My boy wasn't down for that, so "Buck" went to hollering "don't fuck with me." April 16th, 2007Told myself I would make an entry today, last night, so I am. Not a whole bunch happening. I drew up a board today in color. Came out pretty decent! That's 2 I have on back-up. I did another one about 2 weeks ago. Just a B.S. trying to do. First time patterns. Oh yeah, I'm sick again. Hit me day before yesterday, but I've been trying to sweat it out. Should get my S.C.C. answer this week. I don't have my hopes up, just in case. Also I wrote Aryana giving her a heads up in case I get shipped. Let's see, what else?? Oh, I'm playing "Fantasy Baseball" with "J Kully" and "Indio." Last week (week #1) I was in 3rd and tied for 5th. 2 teams again. But I should be moving up because my teams are smashing!! Last of all!! We have an Oldies Station AGAIN!!! Been on it all day. Man I grew up on Oldies and it feels good to listen to them again. Well not a lot happening, more later!! April 21, 2007Well, it's been a month and no word from Aryana. Hope I didn't run her off or make her mad. If I did I hope she gives me a chance to explain myself. She seems like a cool person and I was enjoying getting letters from her. Wait one more week then see what's up?! I did another board for her, but I'm not going to send it if we're not writing. I do think I stepped out of line on the issue of her X-boyfriend, but we're friends so I spoke my mind. Anyways. No word from Mandy. Waiting on "Robert," this other person I'm writing, he'll probably write this week. Also, they're moving people again. They moved San Anton (59) and Allan (71) both up the hallway. Oh and 22 cell. I got a whit dude in 71 and an X-Mexican Mafia in 59 and Boy Guero in 22! He just hollered at me today! Haven't heard from the fool in a year. My boy from Population. Gonna shoot him a kite as soon as I'm done with my entry. Last, I'm dying. Fuckin' sick and can't kick it! I'm fuckin' miserable! June 28th, 2007We're on lockdown. Why? Rumor machine is in overdrive. Fact: someone got raped on G-block. Fact: Something of the same sort happened on H-block. Only 2 facts, but if we all had an opinion, I've heard it all. From mini-riot to escape to a major drug ring being busted. Oh, the best is that they found a gun (firearm) in a mattress. Supposedly brought in piece by piece. Stupid stuff really. Today is actually day #2. We're supposed to do 2 weeks. Who knows? Well, I heard from Robert, another pen pal. His house got broken into. Pretty messed up. Worked out last night hard. Really stupid on my part because we're eating "johnnies." 2 sandwiches 3 times a day. PB and meat only. This morning we had eggs and biscuits. That's all. They fucked us on our cereal and/or PB sandwiches. So I decided not to do any workout tonight. Both me and my cellie went hard. Oh yeah, we're talking again. Our fall-out wasn't nothing major. We're both convicts so we know how to work things out, or let things work themselves out. But I was ready to say "fuck it" and not talk anymore. Not trying to dwell on that subject. We played "bones" (dominoes) and chess today. On "bones" we gambled cups of water. 2 cups per loss, 3 for "peter roll," We both drank 8 cups of water, broke even at the end. That was good because I couldn't drink anymore. Mail call! I'm not getting any, walked right by. Update, just met a guy from J. Robertson. We were kickin' it. Oh yeah, mi compa y el jugez (my cellie and I are games in Spanish). On chess it was, we play in series, 6-1. I capitalized all day! Decided to write Aryana 2 letters a month until I hear from her. She said to keep writing. So I will. Also going to write home, just to say hi. Besides the lockdown, the impending shakedown, it's almost guaranteed in situations like this, and the no-mail situation, nothing is really going on. Just wanted to start the new month. July 1st, 2007Bored as hell. Caught "coast" last night but Art wasn't really talking about anything. New evidence on Roswell and the U.F.O crash landing. I beat my cellie 10-2-1 (stalemate) on chess today. We've been bullshitting all night and day. Wrote Robert, going to write Opa. Her birthday is in 2 days. Ol' boys going off on C-block. They're setting stuff on fire over there. You can smell it burning. They're doing it because they got "jacked" for their "johnnies" (Jack meals, 2 sandwiches, not a hell of a lot). They might shake us down tomorrow. I hope I can make it through with everything. I really don't have a lot of property, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I hope we come up soon though, so I can get my new tattoos. Okay, that's about it. 60+ days since I was released from ad-seg. It still feels great! Reading bible yesterday, just a little. Hope I get a little money for my birthday the 14th of July. Keep fingers crossed but not holding my breath. July 2nd, 2007Tuned into "Coast" last night. Terrible news but it's understandable. Art Bell has retired, again, but it's for real this time. I can understand though because he is up in age. For a little over 4/5 years I've been tuning into "Coast." For the most part, Art has been there on the weekend. Boy it's going to be weird. Maybe fatherhood opened his eyes to the fact we are only here for a little while. Like an "eye blink+." He did say he would make impromptu visits and an occasional fill in show. Going to tune in tonight to see what George has to say. Most callers were remorseful that Art was leaving, but like myself understanding. I just knew I had to put this in my journal. It's supposed to be (the journal) day to day stuff that affects us, our goals, our fears, our time feelings. This has (Art leaving) left an impact for me in a sense. Where I was in Seg. I made it a point to tune in on the weekends. I've made it a point over here. Now I won't have to cause of his retirement. Next little bit. Shocking so hold on to your seat. I've been in prison 7 (almost) and all but 2 months were on Robertson. "Rockin' Robertson." One of the worse units in Texas. (Not anymore, it got real reformed, we say "friendly" in '03). Riots, fights, stabbings. All around prison life but multiplied by 3. So needless to say I've been in numerous lockdowns and eaten thousand of "johnniesacks." Always 2 sandwiches. Peanut butter and a meat (bologna, salami, fish, chicken patty, meat patty, tuna or egg salad). Always. Robertson Unit, making "johnnies" is a perfected art. Well we're on lockdown right now on Ferguson Unit. For the first time in 7 years, in all the "johnnies" I've eaten, the gave us chicken! Not chopped up chicken, not chicken patty. Real baked chicken. "Yard bird" on the bone!?! This unit is weird, it's "soft," it's "friendly." I don't like the cells, they're too small. We're too crowded. The showers suck. But they feed good. If it counts for something. July 4th, 2007Okay, I was going to make an entry yesterday, but D-block went "off." From 5 P.M.-9:45 P.M. there were fires. At best 3 big ones and 4 window fires. After and during the fires, the officers were using a waterhole to put out all the fire. So the inmates said "cool" and flooded the block. Okay picture this: 26 cells long, each row. There are 3 rows. At least 15-20 cells each row were overflowing their toilets. Officers were trying to put down the ruckus, they got water thrown on them. That's called "dashing." Looked like they took a shower with their clothes on. Trustees tried to clean, they got ran off. It was "wild." It was for a "cause." We're on lockdown eating "johnnies" 2 sandwiches isn't a lot but it's some food. Well, we got out lunch time "Johnny" at 12 noon. They brought the sacks on the block at 4 P.M. The officers refused to pass out "johnnies" always claiming excuses. So at shift change, after 1 good fire, they turned up the heat. Heard from Aryana. I know she's at pre-college so I'm not in a big hurry to write here. She sent me a drawing that I cut for. I can tell she's talented and that she took her time. Going to put it in my photo album. Well that's it. Today (7-4-07) forgot to add there was a fight in the shower. They said 3 Mexicans, 2 blacks. All rumors right now, will find out what's up off lockdown. July 8th, 2007Couple of fires the last couple of days. This time it was just immaturity of the inmates. Some stupid people on this unit. They should shake us down tomorrow. I hope so because I'm tired of being in the house. These cells are way too small and cramped. My cellie and I are constantly in each other's way. It's good because we both know how to do time. Aryana said or told/asked me that it must be better being around more people. Yes and no. Yes, because more conversation, more excitement, your days go by quicker. Bad because there is more problems. Got to watch your back. Worry about the next man. I mind my own business, but sometimes my homeboys problems become mine. I'm not a racist person, never try to discriminate against a person for their color but for actions I just read an item in the 7-03-07 Dallas paper about 2 white boys beating and sodomizing a Mexican kid. The attacked happened in '06, and one year later the Mexican kid kills himself. The crime itself I can't be mad about. July 10th, 2007Okay, been unfolding since yesterday. The issue is behind disrespect. The blacks set a couple fires the other day (I mentioned it in a previous entry). Well, guys on 2 row and 3 row threw water on the fire. The fools who started the fires got mad and words started being exchanged. Well, one of my homeboy's was one who threw water and admitted it. Long story short, the blacks started threatening to "open the floor" to all and any. But it looked like they were singling the "Blast" out. We made it clean, we, the "Tango Blast" were ready to "dance" anywhere, however they wanted. Since yesterday we've had talked back and forth. Now, they don't want the floor opened they want us to talk to our homeboy and "curb" his stupidity. Cool. We're going to. A lot of fighting going to happen when we come up off lock. Next subject. "Shakedown" was today. Passed with flying colors. Then I come back to the block and catch a fuckin' case!! All I did was grab a mattress that was stacked against the wall and brought it in my house. The officer said I didn't have permission, so I got a case. I'm kind of glad though, because now 2/3 of 1 now is without mattresses. He "smoked" (wrote up) about 9 people on 1 row that I know of. Pisses me off because I needed 3 more weeks without a case then I would have been up the hall. I "smoked" (wasted) 2 1/2 months. We should be up off lockdown sometime tomorrow. We'll see how much fighting happens. More later. Oh, last Robert wrote, he sent me something for my birthday this Saturday. July 14th, 2007Happy Birthday to me! The big 27, boy I feel old. We had five works, somewhat, yesterday. The blacks jumped another black guy. Well one of the black dudes was mad because they were caught, but an innocent bystander got the blame. Reputation and image is everything in prison. His reputation, actually all of theirs and their families (Blacks have families too) are looking bad. Anyways, he knows this so he's hot. Back on 7-10-07 I wrote about an issue on "disrespect" and "fires" on 7-4-07. Okay, well the issue on 7-10 was killed by all, but yesterday he tried to bring it up again. He challenged all the Mexicans, one by one, to fight because we were all staring at him making an ass of himself. Well, all the blacks, affiliated and "solos" jumped up and went to "roaring." That really surprises me because "solos" of any color had no say so on Robertson Unit. When affiliated parties had a problem, "solos" got out the way. If one did jump in in any which way, you can rest assured he was in. July 18th, 200712 days until I go back to minimum custody! Dodge cases for 2 weeks, I can do it! I really hate prison. It's supposed to be a "man's world." In some sense it is because of the violence, the image you must present, the responsibility you carry in some instances. Okay, in another sense, prison is a big daycare center, because full grown men act like little kids sometimes fighting and arguing over small shit. Doing things just to do it. To see if they can get away with it. Stupid shit. Now, prison is also a gossip center. This is my aggravation at this point in time. We had an issue with the blacks earlier this month. Well we "squashed" the issue a couple days later. By the 14th (the night) all was "dead." Well somehow word reached up the hallway. The homeboys jammed us up. Word was it was to "pop off." Today after store all over the unit brown vs. black. We were all caught off guard. The word got to us at breakfast, to the blacks too. All day fools have been walking around "strapped." Now the Mexicans are investigating who opened their mouth. That was a "no no!" You don't do that, not like that because that could have been a "dry" riot. If it's on our side, "brown," we'll take care of it. Same with blacks. But it's supposed to be understood what goes on the black stays here. So everyone thinking it's a "solo." Last issue. PE sent me "The Great Gatsby." The book shot me back to high school honors English class. I'll be up all night on memory lane. July 21st, 2007It's been a while since I mentioned it, but my praying regularly is still coming along. Trying to stay dedicated. Feel like I'm in need of a life change. I've opened my eyes reality to the reality of prison, and you so called "homeboys" or "friends." I've seen first hand how it goes. When I say life change, really I'm talking about refocusing myself. So far, so good. I decided that Ad-Seg isn't for me a long time ago. Undoubtedly I've got one more visit coming. I've got two life sentences and sometimes my time just gets to me. On top, 1 riot or 1 bad fight, I'm gone. So a life change, or a refocusing, is going to keep me straight. I never want to forget my Ad-seg. experience. Never. Those 2 years I went through were hard times. I want to keep is fresh so I can always check my actions because I know the consequences. That's something that's been stewing in my mind all day. July 23rd, 2007No mail, no issues. Heads up! The T.D.C.J facilities are supposed to flip. The whole system is being reclassified. That's the rumor. People are tired of overcrowding. This unit is going to have the average age group of 30+. All youngsters are probably going to be shipped. Me too because I'm 27. I hope I do. I want to go to a new unit. There are many rumors flying so I don't want to get my hopes up on any one issue. The one I'm praying for is "life sentences" or "lifer's" have to only pull 20 flat at the most. I could do 40 or less. Out by 60 at the farthest? But I doubt it. More than likely they'll just start paying us lifers to work. Texas pays in good time and work time, but it only counts after you get 1/2 of your sentences. Can you see how they fuck us? You got a 40 agg. you work for free for 20 years, 20 years! Me having life sentences (aggravated lifes (2)) I have to pull 30 on each. My time is "stacked" or "consecutive." July 28th, 2007Just woke up. Been tired all day because I didn't get any sleep last night. I was getting my new tattoos in another house and ended up getting stuck until breakfast, which is at 3:00 A.M. I went to chow, back to my house. Then at 7:30 A.M. this morning they ran us to showers. Was up since them, until 5 P.M. But I am now "Tat, Tat, Tatted up!!!" Not a whole bunch going on. I was going to write Wednesday but ended up not having time. Dude got gassed upstairs for refusing housing. But something did happen! Wednesday at about 1:15 P.M. on the Ferguson Unit, after 7 years, I got to touch, hold and play with a kitten! Little black fur ball. I was on the weight set when he ran across the yard. Like fools we chased him, caught him, and acted like kids. He was scared so he was scratching, hissing and raising hell. He earned his name "Little Agg." We calmed him down though, fed him some corn chips. I held him, a couple blacks and Mexicans held him. Basically sat and passed him around. Rank came out "studding up" hollering to let him go. Everyone on the yard studded back up and threatened to burn this bitch down. We weren't hurting him, and on the cool, he was enjoying the attention. Purring up a storm. We finally pushed him through the fence and he took off. I was cruising memory lane all day. I had 2 cats plus my wife's cat. My 2 were phantom, a tomcat male of undetermined blood. I think he was 1/2 Mexican, ¼ Angel ¼ hell on paws, but he was mine. I had him the longest. Next was my Sissy. "Chrissy cat," a chocolate Siamese. Before my daughter Haley was born, Chrissy Cat was my baby girl. 9/3/07Nothing going on, I'm just bored out of my mind. Been feeling homesick lately, don't ask me why. After 7 yrs a person would think you'd be adjusted. Well in a sense I am, and I'm not. I miss my family. I still miss Valerie. Being w/o any kids in torturous. And to top it all off, I did it to myself. Tis a funk that I need to kick. Prayer eases things. But that's all, eases. Not a permanent release. (My prison? My mind, my memories. My punishment? Life w/o love. To love, to have live love and have it ripped away. My hell? That it's all my fault. My parole? Death. In about 4 months, it'll be 7 yrs exactly. Sometimes I wonder how the victims families are faring. Sometimes I wonder how the victims families are faring. Sometimes only for seconds. I know and realize what I did was wrong and unforgivable. I'm not asking for their forgiveness. Cold hearted but true. I pray every night for forgiveness from the one who counts. But I can't help wondering, do the victims families realize everyone lost in the end? Everyone got hurt? More people on my side than theirs. Is it wrong to feel this way? Yes, but I;m human and looking for excuses to dull my feelings. 9/5/07Years almost up. It's hard to believe it's been 4 months since I've been released from Ad. Seg. Now it feels like a nightmare. I've been thinking of my baby brother. He's in Ad. Seg. Forever. He'll die in one of those cells. Grow old by himself. I'm praying every night he sees the light and TDC changes their policies on the X-gang member program (GRAD) as it is it's a joke. Seriously. The gang members w/ time have no hope of every getting out, program or not. Texas loves bending and breaking laws and moral codes. As in we are virtually slaves. They say they pay us in "Good time," but Agg offenders "Good time" only counts after they do 1/2 their time. So 40 yrs aggravated sentence. After 20 your Good time counts. Afer. So far 20 yrs you work for free. But hey they pay us in "Good time"! Same w the GRAD program. You have a 3yr waiting list. After you do 2 yrs w/o cases. Last you have to be w/ in 7 yrs of your projected release date. If you have a life sentence you out of there. So as I said, my baby brother in there forever, Feeling kind of better about that. I do realize he chose his path, but a person shouldn't be punished like that. I have a solution. Let's put all lawmakers and potential lawmakers in Ad Seg cells for a 2 yr run. Have them experience the depression and the hopeless feelings that show up from time to time. Guaranteed shit will change. Fuck that, put some of those hard line, no mercy bastards in G.P. Let them experience our side of view. See our view point about big time for first times, or for the bullshit cases. Question?! Why do burglars and dope peddlers get more time then rapists and child molesters?!! I've seen this numerous times in prison. Makes no fuckin' sense. Question?! What good does it do to lock down a gang member for the rest of their lives. Why not let them out after 10-15 yrs? TDCJ for all who need this is a fucked up, red-neck, hillbilly ran system. "don't mess w/ texas." Their serious, their broke and they need you in prison so they, Texas, can get paid. (3:18 am) Waiting on breakfast. Re-reading my earlier entry. I was upset but I spoke truth in a lot of points. I'm really just angry at the treatment my baby brother is going to receive from now on. I'm just really angry at him, and his stupidity. Angry at how my father will never touch him again and what that's going to do to him. Angry that I have 1 strike vs my jacket. Meaning I've been to Seg once and they hold it against you. It's real easy to go back after your first visit. After your 3rd they stamp your folder permanently stating you are a security, safety threat. Once your stamped you never leave. I got 1 strike and now I tread very carefully. 9/8/07No letter all week. Aryara, Robert or Lucky Boy - my baby brother-. I wrote all 3 last week. Aryara I;m not surprised. I've got her letters pretty much timed. Robert surprised me because it was every other week. I really need to draw something for Aryara and PE. I'm trying to find new patterns and ideas. I'm tired of drawing the same shit over and over. Also pissed because I want to do boards and blandker chiefs but I can't over here because I can't send them out. ? Drivers came up the fuckin' wall. Nothings happening, bored as shit. Just needed to kill time. ?! Oh back to letters, gotta write home after I spend this money on my books. Say Hi! And check in with the folks. Time for a catnap. Out! 9/10/07Boring ass day. I should of fell out to rec. because Homeboy "Camo" almost fought a "Blood." Over shit that happened 5 yrs ago in the county. And at the end the "Blood" punked out after he startedall of the shit. Okay, fast forward to tonight. They called night rec. "cambo" went outside. He came back and told me he got word'd boy was still talkin' shit. Just a little drama. I'm so damn sore!! Worked out 2 days in a row. Hard!! I went outside last night, first time in 2 yrs. ?!! And worked out after a tough workout Sat. That's why I didn't go out today. Gotta do some praying. Haven't got mail in 2 weeks. Robert is past due. I truly hope he hasn't fallen off yet, because I enjoyed his company. I'm working on 2 cards, one for Aryara and one for PE. That's all going on. Time to eat! :P 9/16/07Okay, no entry in a while. Nothing was going on until about 3 days ago. Some black dude got stabbed on L-block by a Mexican. Cool, no big thing. Well today, about 7 1/2 hrs ago, I had to fall out to the days - strapped for a "Rodeo" (Racial Riot). All night I was set, ready to go. Over fuckin' rumors!! Go damn stupid. Lookin' at Ad Seg on a again. I don't have any fuckin' luck~!! It's aggravating to know I'm trying to chill and lay back so I can get a visit and do easy time. But shit is stayin' in the air. There is always a chance for me to roll back to Ad. Seg. No I'm not afraid of Seg I just don't like it. I pray constantly that I don't go back. I want to hold all my family. Do you know what it feels like to not see you loved ones in 7 yrs?! Anything could happen. God willing nothing does. Time is flying for me. I miss my kids, hell even my wife but I know she's moved on and that makes me happy. I yearn to hold em both. My dad, mamma & sisters too!!! That's all I got. I have to stay out of trouble so I can hold them, God help me. All these problems arise over nothing?! I can't do another Seg behind bullshit. I love my baby brother, but don't want to join him. On another note. I haven't heard from Robert in 2 weeks. Gonna write him one more time. Hope he hasn't fallen off!! 9/19/07I feel good! I've been dying to work on something other than cards and I've finally started. I'm going to get "Ray Ray" to send them out for me -> (Boards). They're going to PE and Aryara. Probably should do something for Robert too to show my appreciation for his friendship. He's been a help the last few months. Well him and Aryara. Always surprises me to know people really do care and they understand we made mistakes and are not monsters. But prison shows such as "Prison Break", "Oz", and prison movies give regular society a misconception of our life-styles. It's not always violent, riot like situations. All that is Hollywood. Too bad they can't do a reality TV show of what prison is like on the inside. After you get time after you hit a unit. Folks would be in for a surprise. Texas goes out of their way to portray us as animals. Un-trustworthy, scheming, hardened criminals. Even those here for 3 DUI's on child support. Bastards!! Well no mail, but did get a UCC "lay-in." Get my S-4 tomorrow. No big deal. "Buy money." Words out - pretty soon this unit will be a minimum/medium/ad seg unit. They are suppose to be shipping all of close custody. Wonder how long it will last? Well that's it. Time for a snack! 9/20/07Day of happenings. Important stuff first. Yesterday I received letters form Aryara and Robert. Aryara sent me 2 pictures of herself. Honestly, she's very attractive. I can see why guys want to spend time w/ her and be around her. I think she's beautiful, but I'm her friend and I'm biased. But that's square business, she is good looking. She's also very very intelligent. Already planning for college. She's flying to California to look at college. Beautiful and smart?! She'll go far in life. I truly believe that! But I feel bad she's surrounded by fools. Robert's letter was late due to misplacement. He's a pen-pal from Dallas. We've been writing since Feb '07. His and Aryara's letters have helped my time so much. They're connections to the outside. Gotta write both of them. I sent Aryara one (letter) on Wednesday morning. Got her letter Wednesday night. Okay today. Went to UCC earlier. Surprised me because now I've got my S-3. It's a classification that in laymans terms says I'm doing good. S-3! This is my final time in 7 yrs. I've been a S-3. I've never made it higher than S-4, and I didn't keep that long ?. You get promoted or eligible for promotion every 6 months. S-3 is the highest I can go. Ever. I can get an S-3 w/ restrictions in 3 yrs. I'll have 10 by that time. Okay tonight. A black dude named "Ha-keem" fought w/ a punkass "robo-cop" "rent a cop." The law is always running his mouth and harassing us. Well "ha-keem" took it to his ass. The blacks were acting like they were going to "set it off" when the dayroom door opened. Difference between Robertson & Ferguson? Robertson unit, that law was gonna get "smashed" "first thing smoking." "Ferguson unit?, The blacks talked about it, made a show and in the end? This bitch ass "law" is still working on the block. Nobody touched him or did what they said. Big difference!! Real fast entry. Got another person interested in PE. He is from the "house" - Bell co. okay, nig fight today in med. Cust. The "bloods" - black family/gang - smashed one of theirs out. We were in our way to dinner when they gassed. Ate enough gas to need my inhaler. (Note to self and all readers - I hate the Dallas Cowboys!! I can't stand the bastards. Their fans are annoying too - Cuz my Homeboys) So now they on lockdown - med. Cust. That's really it. Writing Aryana! Robert. Working on a board, and I finally got some wax!! Now I can really make my boards look good!!! Just got to figure out a way to send'em out! 9/24/07We're on lock-down. How prison life changes so damn quick. Earlier today a prisoner(s) escaped rom the "Wynn Unit" in Huntsville, Jx. Supposedly an officer(s) was unjured or possibly dead. For sure injured. Rumors are flying about the dying part. So "johmie" later on. More on subject as progresses. 9/30/07Last entry before I send this off. Okay update. The 2 guys who escaped "Wynn Unit" on Monday were caught shortly after. Yes, unfortunately a female officer did die. So, those 2 inmates can kiss their asses "goodbye!" These red-neck, trigger happy, hillbillies are going to kill their asses. One way or another nod officers looking to beat inmates up. Picking fights and arguments all week w/ grey suits. Almost went back to Seg if the Homeboys wouldn't of pulled me away. I let one of these hoes steal my cool. Okay, Rest of the week was boring. As usual. Today there was a fight in the dayroom. We're on a 24 hr. lock-down. Dallas Cowboys ("cowgirl") are winning, I hate the Dallas Cowboys!! Go San Francisco 49ers!! December 2nd, 2007I got a new celly Friday. He's been on the block but got locked up right before Thanksgiving because an officer named Wildman thought she smelled smoke coming from his cell. His name is "Maniac." He's pretty cool but he hasn't stopped talking since day one. That's kind of too much. We're probably going to be locked down one more week ?. It's driving me crazy. My Homeboy from D-Town "Manny" (my neighbor) hasn't shut up either. He keeps talking about a bunch of nothing. Well I wrote all my letters last week, should be getting a response in a couple of weeks. Hmmm...I'll be writing Aryana again in a week or so. Going to try to use all my color paper. Last, kind of anxious to go to college. I can't believe I did as good as I did. "Maniac" aced everything, but he got a major case so that disqualifies you. C'min Jan. 4th!! That's it for now. Nothing happens during lockdown. December 6th, 2007Nothing major happening. Went to medical today for my asthma. Still on the inhaler. Got a letter from Robert last night, but he wasn't really talking about much. Going to write him tonight. "Maniac" has turned out to be funny as hell. We've been laughing and kicking it for the last couple days. Need to hear from the house. I'm getting impatient ?. Got about 5 more days of lockdown. Shit, I can't wait for it to be over! December 10th, 2007Got a new address for a pen pal, possibly. Her name is Candia. I just wrote on in the letter. I hope she writes back. They brought the dogs again. Only because they are done with shakedown and they needed something to do. This came straight from an officer's mouth. Really just harassment being hidden under the word "security." Anyways, nobody got caught with anything. 2 more days for lockdown. Come up Wednesday ?!! Boy I can't wait. This shit is boring and I'm starving. Waiting on word from the house. Hoping to get pictures from everyone and of my kids. Find out in about 2 weeks or less. Well, we're still on lockdown so nothing happening. After 2 being on Ferguson Unit. Beg free, for going on 8 months!! I finally got my 3rd good celly. I'm hoping I keep "Maniac" for a while. He said over here same race celly's don't really get broken up. I know on Robertson 2 Mexicans in a cell? Rare as Mexican Muslims. Oh!! Time to vent. Just remembered. I respect all religions, but I don't respect fools who try to press theirs on others, such as Muslims. Personally I couldn't care about Mohammad or their name for the Father. I just read the newspaper and I read about the British teacher in Sudan. How in the fuck are they going to press their belief and rules on an outsider who is trying to better the future generation of Sudanese kids. They scream "disrespect to Mohammad" because the kids name a friggin' teddy bear Mohammad. Seems to me they are insecure about their prophet. True I know it's only extremists, but that's who I direct this to. How can they get mad about the use of Mohammad's name, since it's suppose to be so holy, when 75% of their men are named Mohammad. Goes to show what a crock of shit they are. Dry ass looking for the "Great Western Plot." Personally I feel, for fools like that, they have no place in life but to cause strife. I believe it's assholes like those Clerics, who wired it all up, who hold their country, race and belief down. Why do they think people see their faith as barbaric? Like I said, I don't beef with any faith. Pray how you want, to who you want. Don't force others to your viewpoints. I wish they could take ALL extremists of all faiths, and kill them. They have no place; they only hold people down. Hate has no place in our world and it damn sure shouldn't have any place in any faith. December 13th, 2007I'm not going to have time to finish this but I'm going to start because it's eating at me. A new Homeboy - one of mine (H Tx) - just showed up on the unit and it's proving to be a blessing and a curse. 2 of the Homies, "Panda" and "Mendoza," are going to check him. Okay no one is really worried about "Mendoza" because, well because he portrays himself a "rascal." Everyone assumes "Mendoza" going to hold up, but "Panda" on the other hand is considered a "weak link." Not that he is weak, because we try not to pick up weak fools, but because he is considered "soft." Yes, there is a difference. Weak means not standing up for yourself, being "scary." "Soft" means you'll stand up and fight but you don't have any "Boxing Game," means fools can push you and push you but it takes too long for you to defend yourself. Well anyways "Panda" is soft. I don't like saying it but it's true. He doesn't work out, he's weak in strength, all his fault. Okay, potential disaster is this, if "Panda" gets the worse end of the check, it could possibly lead up to more ammunition to force him out the "Blast." I don't want this because in a lot of ways "Panda" reminds me of me when I first came down. 4:18 P.M. When I first came down I was quiet and picked on. I laugh about it now. Because of my quietness and because I didn't play the "come on" games I was considered soft. It took me showing my bad side and fighting both Homeboys and others for my Homies to realize I wasn't "soft." "anda" on the other hand tries way too hard to fit in. Leaving himself vulnerable to criticism. I don't look at "panda" as a full blown criminal. Look, not everyone in prison is a criminal. Some fools make one bad mistake, or like I feel about "Panda," try to fit in. Succumb to peer pressure or do petty things, petty crimes and get locked up for years. Texas has the strictest justice system in the U.S. We lead in death penalties every year, and have the biggest prison population and repeat offender violations (revolving door). Okay, that's one class. Next is guys who, like in my case, were in the wrong place way wrong time. Who if let out probably wouldn't repeat the mistake, but Texas has no mercy for anyone. Their goal is to prove to the nation just how tough they can and will be. Last class. True criminals. Who've been in all sorts of trouble their whole life. These fools deserve to be here. These deserve no mercy until broken. I can only do so much. I got love for the kid - 21 years old - and I feel he has potential once he puts years "under his belt." 5:48 P.M. Okay just heard, and I can say prayers work because I did pray about it. I want to feel they work. My belief. Anyways God works in his ways. Why do I say this you ask? The Homeboy who was suppose to get "checked" got moved meaning 2 things. A) and most importantly "Panda" has gotten a reprieve. B) I've got more time to work with "Panda" and get him on the "ball." I like the kid and I feel he'll be a good Homeboy in the long run. December 15th, 2007Throughout my whole life I would always put my family first. All my family. That includes Tristan who is only my cousin. There were 3of us. "Lucky," "Wizard" and me. We claimed Tristan as a brother, as blood. We were close. Tristan (Wizard) and Lupe (Lucky) were even closer. Backing each other up in 2 different shootouts. I was there for one. Lucky was Wizard's best man at his wedding and Wizard for mine. Wizard and I threw away our families to help Lucky and Bean commit this crime, because if they didn't they would have been killed. We came to prison for "Lucky." Believe it or not I'm heartbroken right now. My celly is here so I can't cry thought I want to so bad. I'm struggling to keep my eyes dry, and it is a struggle. I've talked about my baby brother joining a prison "family" before I honestly believed it was one called "Texas Syndicate" or (T.S.). I've been thinking this for about 7 years. I hated them for it. Tonight I feel like an idiot because I used to go out of my way to fight these fools. Anyways I found out different. He's in a different "family." One called "P.R.M." What is bad is they are a joke. But this isn't why I'm broken hearted. I got a letter from "Lucky" tonight and he tells me Tristan (Wizard) doesn't even factor into his life anymore. He doesn't claim him anymore. A person who would of went to the lethal injection for him. That is what they started us out with. 3 counts of capital murder asking for capital punishment. Wizard was Lucky's best fuckin' friend. Lucky is Wizard's first born Godfather Alexise's Godfather. I can't believe he, Lucky, could actually go that low, or have his mind that far gone to disown someone he has known over 1/2 his life. I can't actually stress their relationship. They bled with each other. "Lucky" told me tonight to never mention Wizard again to him. He's a nobody. Lucky told me his "fama" comes first and anyone outside of that "gets no love." "Tristan (Wizard) included." Of all people he singled out Tristan. If I was even thought Lucky would even say some shit like this, I would of NEVER let Tristan be part of this crime. Lucky asked Wizard for help in this. Wizard, even having a family, said "Yes" because it's something you would do for your brother. I can't fathom Lucky's reasoning for his words. Does he truly see that prison "family" as "what is?" Somewhere within the last 7 years did he have amnesia and forget his and Wizard's past? All of our pasts? I never thought Lucky could surprise me again with actions or words. Hey, everyone gets surprised when they let their guard down. Lucky is my blood brother. I practically raised him at times. Tonight he shocked the shit out of me. He broke my heart to know he could do any of his family this way. Tonight I'm praying and asking for a little comfort. My brother let prison come between Wizard, his adopted brother, and me. The one who instilled in him. Family first. I'll cry tomorrow cause tonight my mind and heart are scrambled. December 17th, 2007I've had a couple of days to sort my thoughts and feelings on my baby brother's "words." I can only come to this conclusion after talking to a "Fama" member. My brother has thrown away everything and has poured himself, heart and soul, into the very thing that will one day eventually destroy him. All his life I took the brunt of his actions. He never had to feel the full weight because of me and, now I see, my ignorance. Maybe if he would have been actually put in the hospital he would have been scared straight. I'm only guessing. Same thing for Wizard. He was Lucky's fail safe too. I hurts me my brother could so callously throw away everything he and Tristan shared. My realization is this. My baby brother is no longer my baby brother. He's a man, a rival, a "fama," a stranger. He has grown up, and the closeness we all 3 showed, he spurns now. My brother's a Man, and I don't care too much for him. I don't hate him, never that. I can only hope one day he opens his eyes and realizes his family, me and Tristan, are all he really needs and grows to understand how fraud and fake and wrong his thoughts are. December 23rd, 2007So much to talk about. I've really been in a funk since I got that from my baby brother. Two things brought me out of it. First was a letter from Robert. He was trying to cheer me up about another issue. Worked too! I got some sort of surprise (X-Mas) coming from him as a bonus. Now if I could get a letter from Aryana, Christmas would be complete ?. Letters from both my friends. Still waiting on the one from the house. I have a feeling it's coming this week. Okay second. I sent in a theme writing on "Fresh Air." I got the packet last week and my mind was blown! My theme was picked. After reading it I shocked myself. I can't believe I wrote something like that. Ha! I was truly feeling myself ?. I've got 2 poems I need to send in also. We're suppose to go back on another "lock" for shakedown. (Another, because they've been finding so much contraband on the Unit and plus on Wynn Unit they found 2 firearms on the Unit. Holy shit investigation out the ass!) Also working on boards for Robert and Aryana. X-Mas presents! Besides all this the last week as been "blah!" Oh yeah about 3 days ago we went on 48 hours "suspended movement." Why? Big! Big! Fire in Mop and Bream factory. Ha! Burn this Unit down so we can all get shipped ?. More later. December 25th, 2007So, good day/bad day. We made it to lunch, which for us is our X-Mas meal. Ate real good!! ? Better here than Robertson Unit for damn sure. I have to work out tomorrow. Anyways when we came back the officers were shaking down houses. They told us, in not somany words, they were short handed so they were looking for reasons to lockdown blocks. Well, guess what? They found one on J Block. They found a fucking pocket knife!?! and a $20 bill. The money isn't shit. Hell, I've held $800 in prison, at one time. Wasn't mine, but I was responsible. Anyways the blade was the big thing. After finding 2 guns on Wynn Unit and a free world I look here, Shit, lockdown is almost a guarantee. My question is why would they do this on X-Mas? They're short all the time and put us on "modified lockdowns." We say in until after dinner. Why try to lock us down for 24 hrs? Because we don't deserve to enjoy Christmas. These are actual words from Sgt.'s mouth. We don't deserve it. Let's break Christmas down for inmates. We eat good for lunch, a "Johnny" for dinner. The rest of the day is exactly the same. What don't we deserve? We don't get to be with loved ones, nobody around here is special. What it is is that these assholes have to be here with us and they don't like it. It's like a bad day. Well guess what? We're having a bad life. Prisons are necessary, don't get me wrong, but why hire a bunch of rent-a-cops, or "wannabe" police officers? Their attitudes are the worst. They couldn't even cut it for real so they have to settle for second best. You can spot these immediately. I don't know though. Officers are trained and brainwashed in the Academy to behave that we/inmates are A) violent animals who want nothing more but to hurt each other, B) criminals whose sole intent is to "run game" on con officers, or C) all liars. (A) When in actuality prison is a very Polite place. You brush someone the first words are "My bad," "Excuse me," "Dispensa" (excuse me in Spanish) or something of the like. Big violence is really hard to come by. You will hardly ever have riots or real big fights. (B) We don't con officers. That's a myth. Officers can be corrupted by greed, but no everyone does this. In fact it's a small percentage. That's really a hassle because you got to worry about snitches, the officer growing a conscious, or something going wrong and you getting caught. Most inmates ignore the "grey suits" or treat them as a necessary burden. No more, no less. (C) Don't ask me why. They feel even the Christians lie. This is their thinking. Fine some, or a lot lie. But fuck, it's usually to get out of trouble. Not that it matters. You always guilty. If you wear "white" and you're telling the God honest truth to a "gang." Guess what? You're lying. There are things I've been thinking about all day. This is a season of happiness, rebirth, joy. But since "we don't deserve to enjoy Christmas" I guess it's only for the world outside the fence. Oh well, another day toward my first parole. December 30th, 2007We were on "lockdown" yesterday (12-28-07) for "inciting a riot." Which was a lie. We carry around I.D.'s at all times. We must be able to present them when asked. Yesterday was commissary and the dumb bitch working the block took I.D.'s for commissary right after lunch (10:30) ran about 30+ people to store by 4:30 P.M. We should have had over 1/2 the block to and back from commissary after 5 hours. Well they called dinner and nobody could go because the dumb bitch wouldn't give back the I.D.'s, so we went hollering for "RANK." Well the dumb bitch told rank we were pushing her and calling her names. She had us locked in the dayroom so how could we push her? Lying stupid bitch. But you know what? "Rank" still took her side. This is what inmates have to put up with. This is how we're treated. Don't care if we right or wrong, we're always wrong. It's so frustrating being on this Unit. Prayer relieves stress, but I just build it up faster and faster. I only pray that I'm no forced to act. I'll go back to Ad Seg quick! Sending an officer to the hospital is within me. I know me. I know my temper. I'm praying for strength to keep it in check. Don't explode. I've decided to hit my workout, hard, early this year. Usually I don't start until late March early April. I see I can't do that here. Gotta burn that excess stress. Well this might be my last entry before the New Year. Resolutions this year? Continuing trying to better myself. January 1st, 2008Another year gone, but it's gone by so fast! So much I've gotten to experience once again. It sucks being in prison, but like my homeboy "Galleo" said tonight, "we just make the best of it." Memorable events that stand out: 1. Aryana and I've wrote a whole year. 2. I meet Robert, my other pen pal. 3. I've got released from Ad Seg. 4. After 4 years of no contact, my baby brother writes me. 5. I land on my 2nd Unit (Ferguson Unit). No doubt I miss the folks, my family, kids, etc...I miss everything, but sadly I put myself here. My resolution is to continue to better myself. So be real with myself and to get closer to my religion. Also try to rebuild a relationship with "Lucky Boy," but it's going to take time. Anyways it's New Year's Day. Put away the old, bring it all fresh. Wish the best for all. Another day, another year. 8 days for 7 years flat. Ha! I need a beer ?. January 4th, 2008Something happened 2 days ago, and I've really felt like shit since then. It's part of prison though. Incidents like that though make me ponder why I'm "down" with someone, because what did happen I was against but forced to participate. No, I'm not talking about my life was in danger but one of my homeboy's safety was in jeopardy so I had to get involved. We had a guy from H-Town who pulled up. Apparently someone "jacked" his corn chips and he refused to find out who, and refused to fight. He was trying to Blast. We can't and won't accept this. It's weak and in an environment where lives are depending on a Homeboy, we make damn sure we can trust them. Anyways he "caught out" and landed on "J" block. We ended up "smashing" him over here. Like I said I was against it, but it happened. I pray and have been praying for forgiveness. Somethings and sometimes my hands are tied. I feel even worse because I seen ol' boy today. His arm is in a slang. Who am I, or who are we to call a person weak? Not everyone was "Gangstas," "hoods" or "criminals." I was a hoodlum but by no means a criminal. Not everyone grew up embracing violence. There are the ones I feel for because these seem to have the hardest time in prison. Sometimes within the near future I'm going to have to go to confession. This is something that is really eating me. Praying helps, but I need a little comfort (spiritually) also. January 8th, 2008Aggravated because I still haven't received any letter from the house. I don't have patience and this waiting is killing me. This isn't going to be long because my temper isn't really letting me think straight. Tomorrow is store day. They locked us down last store day over bullshit. I hope we get someone who knows what they are doing. I'm actually going to make it! My X-Mas money. Afterwards have to write 3 letters: Aryana, Robert and Home. Well, everything is still the same. 'Til next entry. January 10th, 2008Still no word from the house and I'm to my bursting point. It's getting to the point to where I can't sleep. They only write once a year, so I look forward to this touch of home. I could write and let them know I'm upset, but it wouldn't be right. I put myself here. If I had followed the law I'd be at home with my wife and kids instead of waiting on reports. I see my Homeboys get letters and pics from home and I get jealous or envious. It's wrong, but I can't help it. I wish my family was close like that but we're not. Emotion was rarely shown except anger. The De La Rosa blood line is good at showing anger, but no love. My father dates on my sisters but my brother and I are men so we react different to each other. I kick myself in the ass because I'm partly responsible. I don't and didn't follow rules. I was caught up in drugs, and organized crime, and my father being a deputy made our relationship strained. So yea it's my fault. It's just so hard now because I'm locked up and I reflect a lot on my past. I want to build a stronger relationship with my family, but it's really a lonely ass prisoner talking. The real "me" knows it's too late. Our road has been laid, now I'm, all of us, are driving what we built. Tonight I'm putting all my heart into my prayer. I really want to hear from home. I really don't want to snap and I need strength, spiritually and emotionally not to. I'm praying for all of this. Sometimes, and it sounds fucked up, I pray for the end, for death. Hopefully I made amends enough I make it to heaven where I'll be reunited with all my family. Never to be separated again. Where I can ask for forgiveness to Valerie for leaving her with Haley to raise. Breaking my promise to her. Telling my son I'm sorry for not being there, for not being a father. Honestly though as far as my son is concerned I think he's better off without me. His Momma was raising him good with manners and respect. Haley is in great hands so I never worry about her. Valerie will make sure she stays in line. My 3 baby sisters I can apologize to, also, for missing their lives. So much fuckin' regret, it's a struggle to keep on rolling. I do believe in redemption, in Heaven and forgiveness. I do believe I still stand a chance for heaven, so it's my goal. It's my reason to keep on with life, but I really can't be blamed for wishing for the end. The true punishment of prison, I feel, isn't being locked up because you became accustomed to it. No, it's being torn away from family, from love, and being encaged, not by bars but by loneliness. Sure laugh and paint your face on every morning. Make the best of what you have. Underneath it all, when you listen in the silence, is the steady unending crying of Loneliness that won't be answered until your drowned in her tears and God the Father throws you a life line. That's the truth. We're all clowns who put on a face to hide tears and fears. Ha! Don't call me inmate De La Rosa. Call me Clown De La Rosa #1038911. Yeah, tonight I'm praying with my all because I'm feeling the truth of my situation and I need the strength to keep on lying to myself. January 13th, 2008Real quick entry. School starts tomorrow!! Sociology 1345 on Monday, Remedial Math on Fri. Hopefully I'll hear from home this week. Gotta write Robert and Aryana. I'll write home when I get my letter. Not much else going on, went through shakedown o Tuesday, and praying I go to store on the 15th and 18th!! Besides all this, which isn't much, everything has been "slow boogie" and hopefully will stay this way. January 14th, 2008Just got screwed on dayroom. Only one "in and out' all night and it was at shift change (6 P.M.) Ah well. I wasn't really feeling sociable anyways. Heard a song, the song, we buried my homeboy to. I always start feeling anti-social afterwards. Even after 14 years it still hurts. I guess that's why suicide is a selfish act. Anyways. New subject. Started school today! I'm so excited!! It felt great to finally do something positive with this time. Ha, I already have h.w. but I have 2 weeks to complete so no rush. Tonight, start Aryana's letter and probably Robert's. Still no word from the house. I'm hoping my prayers get answered sometime this week. Last going to store, hopefully, tomorrow. Going to stock on my locker with all coffee. Well, so school progresses I'll keep this journal updated on my advancements. I now can't wait to get a degree. Impatience is a muthafucka ?. January 16th, 2008No big things today. "Panda" and "Big Time" came back from lock up. Went for the issue I wrote about earlier this month. They still have to go to U.C.C. tomorrow. They're L-1 so I hope they stay. Made store yesterday too. Feels good to have food in my locker!! Still no word from house, so I'm going to write them this weekend. That's really it, everything is going slow, which is good!! No drama. My celly is aggravating me. I'm trying to write and he keeps trying to talk to me. I don't like that. He's cool, just talks a lot ?. Anyways enough. January 21st, 2008I keep on dating these entries as '07. I guess because it flew by so damn quick, and it really didn't seem like a year. Well '08 is. We just got done with a major shakedown that went from 7th-11th. Now 2 different times since then they have shook us - "J" Block - down. Us, with Life and 50+ sentences. Us with nothing to lose. We are being harassed. Guess what? Guess why they keep doing it?! Because J Block is accepting this. We are accepting the harassment these officers are putting us through. I don't understand it, I don't like it¬ or these officers or this unit. Now the officers are saying because of drugs. Ha!! They use that for all excuses for harassment. I'm sick of this. This is not a Unit to do time on. A person can't relax because officers are constantly messing with us. On this Unit I don't have to worry about inmates trying to "jump" or "drop" me. This unit is friendly. There really are NO "wars," like Robertson Unit. On this Unite I have to worry about officers fucking me over. Drug dogs. Searches because they are bored. I pray for strength but I must be slacking because I feel my patience being tested and it's slipping. Well, we go to store this Wednesday and they still don't have headphones. I'm going to stock up on soups because something is suppose to happen. The way J Block is right now, and after ol' boy got "jumped" on 1-1-08, a lot of people feel, one more incident and we're doing a 30 piece (30 day lockdown). These entries for Jan. are split. I've already sent some off last entry. I'm going to try and get my months right. Last thing. Wrote Robert and Aryana. Gotta send Robert's off tomorrow. January 24th, 2008Just came back from the library. Checked out 2 good books. Did my Soc. Work today. It was difficult because I felt I didn't fit into some of these descriptions I was suppose to. Well, until my celly gave me an off way to look at things. It made me realize how fucked up I was as a youth. But by choice is what made it bad. I was stupid, and once again I was slapped in the face with reality. It's my fault that there is no closeness between my family and me. At the same time it is why I tried so hard to keep communication between Valerie and I. Why I tried to keep us so close. I thought this course was going to be easy, but I was mistaken. It's going to be very difficult if I have to face myself in the mirror and realize all my faults and failures. Not just in my family, but in my marriage and as a father. I want to say I was a good husband and father, but just after Chapter #1 I'm not sure. Went to store. Felt good, but now I have to make this shit stretch. That's it. See if I get a "lay in" for Remedial Math 301 in the morning. January 28th, 2008I've been waiting for something to happen before I write. Well it did. We're on a 24 hour "lockdown" because some dumb ass dropped a "shank" on the run down on 1 row. What dumb asses. That is "new boot" shit. Then I have to take into consideration what kind of Unit I'm on. Oh well, I was hoping for one anyways. Went to school today. My Sociology class. It was cool, but I now know I have to sit in front so I can hear him (Professor) because he does a whole bunch of mumbling. He made us list: describe our best and worst decision. I believe marrying Valerie and having Haley my best decision, and participating in these murders my worst. The only decision I've ever made in my life I wish I could take back. I swing on this though because those 2 guys put my baby brother's life in danger when they stole all that dope. If someone's would of killed my little brother, I still would of come to prison for murder. Anyways, yes, that's my worst decision. Okay, an ongoing issue in the air. One that's actually hurting me spiritually and mentally because if they decide to "drop" the fool I have NO choice but to accept their choice and to be on standby if anyone else jumps in. Okay, the fool in question is a "Christian," but he was put in prison (convicted of) for a brutal rape of a 19 year old girl. That in turn led to other rapes but he was only convicted of 1. He's Mexican and we, some, have true penitentiary mentalities. To be "brown" and convicted, well it's just not accepted. Now ol' boy is a "Christian," he turned his life around, gave it to God. Who the hell are we to judge him and punish him, again because the "Hate of Texas" already have. I believe in the Bible with my everything and I know touching one of God's children is going to be held against anyone who does it. I'm not saying I like the fool, or the fact he's a rapist. In my book he's down there with child molesters but I can't "drop" him or participate in it. It's not right and I know it, but I can't stop it either. All I can do is pray, and considering prison is Satan's playground, I think I'm going to be drowned out. They are really pressing this, and I'm really pressing God to intervene because I can't. Sorry guys, this month was boring ? and split up. More entries in Feb. This month was slacking. Better next. March 13th, 2008Quick entry before I go to sleep. I know have plenty of N.B. paper so I'm going to start using this for entries. Fucked up "Rio's" b-day card so I had o buy one. Started 3 others. New patterns, new ideas!! Did a one year anniversary card for Robert. Next month it will be 1 year (on April 31st) that I've been out of Ad Seg. So much has happened within that year. Some stuff I like, some stuff I didn't. Met a lot of new and different homeboys. I'm experiencing a whole new environment, which I really don't like. Enrolled in college. But there are still things I miss about Ad Seg. Solitude, peace. I was really without stress until those last couple of months. Even then I wasn't worried because I knew if that "T.S." fool would of came in my house he was leaving, more than likely, permanently. But that's another story. I still think about "Cosmo," "Indio," "Skully," "Flaco," "Big Jerry," and "Boxer." I hope "Skully" made his parole and "Indio" too. Well school's tomorrow - Math - and I didn't do my H.W. I fucked up but I'll get it done during lockdown. I need to do another 2 Chapters in Sociology too. Lockdown next week (Inmate Rumor). We'll see. 'Til next entry...Goodnight. March 18th, 2008Mad as hell! I didn't get to go to class today. For some reason they canceled. Last week, this week, next week - that's 3 classes!! That sucks! Semester is over in April. I had a dream late night I went back to Ad Seg. For some reason I knew and everyone knew it was a mistake. The whole time I was trying to talk to "Rank" but no one was around. My "boys" were there but it had been too long and they didn't really remember me. That kind of hurt even in a dream. I realized when I was up that I let those "cats" get close because we were all sharing a fucked up way of living. In a "box," "isolated," "controlled." Damn it's been a year. One whole year. One year for Robert and I too. We've been writing since last April. Got a letter last week from him. Bad news, his cousin is dying. That's sad. Well they checked "Big Josh" yesterday. It went okay but there is a little beef because it was so quick. Only 3 rounds. It was suppose to be 6-8. Oh well it goes like that. As far as the issue with "Panda" and "Rocky," it's squashed. ("Rocky" has had "beef" with "Panda," personal (I felt he was weak)). That's good too, because it was really looking like "crossout" action on "Rocky's" part and the Homeboys don't play that. Oh last, NO "lockdown" yet. Ha! I.R. March 20th, 2008Jokes on me, but I'm far from laughing. In fact I'm ready to cry. We went on "lockdown" Tuesday. No big thing. They shook us down today (Thursday) and a fuckin' disaster struck. They found a "knife" ("shank") in my house. Yup, I'm being charged with a "weapon possession" case. It's automatically a LuL #1 offense. I can go straight to Med Custody or in my case, Ad. Seg. No shit. Did I know the "blade" was in here?, "yes I did." Is it mine? "No it isn't," but I can't say whose it is. That's "snitching," so I gotta roll with the punches. Damn, I couldn't even last a year in M.I. The whole time in Prison has mainly been down the hall. (Close Custody, Med Custody, Ad Seg.) I'm dying to hold my people when I see them, but I can't seem to stay out of trouble. Like this. I didn't do anything but I'm stuck with the punishment. My parents probably saying "Why the fuck can't I stay out of trouble??" This time I was trying. Gotta do a year in Med/Close Cust. (Seg? Probably 5 years) I'll find out more than likely Monday or Tuesday what's what. By next week (end of) for sure I'll be in Solitary Confinement. Yea, I'm ready to cry. Even when I try I can't seem to keep my head above the shit here. March 21st, 2008Things are going downhill - fast. My Homeboys are already stressing "the issue' about my celly not taking his "case." They're asking why didn't I "fire off" (or hit) my celly. Rules of Prison are "you man up to your case no matter what" and it's making me look bad that I haven't forced it on my celly. See the thin is he's "family," his fault, and he can get "confirmed." Doubt it though. Me, on the other hand. I've been to Seg for an "assault with a weapon." To be charged with another "weapons" case, I stand a damn good chance of going back. I gotta tell him, today, he has to step forward. No other way around it. I can't get "smashed" behind this fool. If I don't make this fool take his shit it makes it seem as I'm "weak" in the eyes of my Homeboys. That gives them the "green light " to force an issue on me. This shit sucks. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's bothering me so bad I can't sleep. The Lt. said they're going to charge both of us, but they haven't taken our statements yet, or served our cases. I'll see today. Why did they have to put me on Ferguson Unit? These fools are stupid over here and have "no schooling." On top of it, nothing happens on this Unit so these fools are real quick to "smash" each other to gain stripes. I gotta make this "cat' see this as soon as he wakes up. March 24th, 2008Okay talked to my celly. He understood where I came from and is going to fess up to his case. No big thing. 2 things are going to be the outcome. He gets "rolled" to Med Custody or he goes to Ad Seg. He's not confirmed, but these bitch ass laws have a tendency to do so (confirm you) once you go to Ad Seg. It's killing me too, even though I'm no longer in a "hot seat." See, I like my celly and after experiencing Ad Seg for myself and understanding the despair that eventually sets in after years of confinement, I don't wish anyone to have to experience that. I'm hoping he gets to talk to the G.I. and tell her he's "San. Antonio Jang." I don't want him to have to do all his time in Ad Seg. He's young, 24, and relatively new. It's like fucked up situation he's in. I feel I broke weak by not riding it out with him. But this way he's safe cause if I would of went to Ad Seg and him Med Cust, my Homeboys were talking about bringing an "issue" up against him. I don't want him to get his hopes up for Med Cust, but it can happen. I've been praying hard since Fri. for him to go to Med Cust. I'm hoping my prayers are answered. I like the cat and I wish we weren't in this position. Going to the showers in the morning. NO doubt "A-1" is going to have something to say. He's the one Homeboy I don't really "click" with. I don't know why?? I don't feel I can trust him. Just an instinct. More than likely, the way I'm feeling, I'm going to end up "checking" all these Homeboys on 3 row (with the exception of Panda, Rhino and Ray Ray). Pee Wee, A-1, Joker, Manny, Big Josh we all going to be "placed" in the morning. "Fuck it!! Fight goes with it!!" March 25th, 2008They served the case today. They wrote it up as "weapon possession," a 7 1/2" piece of steel. I didn't think it was that long. Yeah, I seen it and knew about it, but it's no my place to say shit. Fuck, I think longer than 6" is Ad Seg. Action. It seems as if I'm more worried about this than he is. He's laying down there right now, I bet he's awake but doesn't want to talk. One of my better cellys. Seems like as soon as I get a good one they get moved, rolled, or shipped; or I do. He's going to be "slam dunked" I know it. I feel fuckin' terrible that he's riding this alone. If I was "solo," hell if I was "solo" I'd still be in Robertson and would of never went to Ad Seg. One part of my prayer was not answered, maybe my other part will be. No word from Robert, or he house. Maybe today. Damn this shit sucks. March 27th, 2008It's Thursday. Boring as shit with no celly. I worked out 2x's yesterday I was so bored. At 4-5 P.M. and 10-12 P.M. the second was pushups and shadow boxing. I'm actually waiting on "Sandman" to come back, so I can ask if he's seen "Maniac." We're trying to get "Orijon" (San Antonio Tango. Actually it's "old school" along for them) put on his trael card. He, we, do that ol' boy set for life. I've done 3 cards for P.E. Damn good work if I say so myself. All poem. I've got 2 more to do for P.E. Been thinking of a poem since last night. I've wrote the opening words down (11 lines), but I'm working with the rest. As it runs through my head, I write. I'm rambling, I know. I'm still sleepy. "Lockdown sleep schedule." My "night owl" half has come out. I listened to "Coast" 4 nights in a row. Seems really weird Art is gone. I know it's old news, but I stopped listening for a minute. Hope to hear from Robert tonight. I did a 1 year anniversary card for him. A little surprise ?. Well, last word is will come up on April 1st. Is this some sort of joke? March 30th, 2008Big happenings in my life. I've wrote about my wife Valerie on numerous occasions. The love of my life and mother of my daughter. Since I've been in prison she's been in and out. I haven't heard from her since '06. Well until Friday that is. She's up North, new state and going through some trouble. She had a baby with a guy named J.D. back in '03. They've been sharing custody of he kid. Now J. D. doesn't want to give him back. Valerie needs a shoulder again so I'm here. I don't expect her to write long because she's a mother of 3. I hate to hear she's going through all this. It's 1/2 my fault because I came to prison. If I was still out there she wouldn't have to worry about all that. We'd still be together, I know it. Our relationship was great. I wrote her already. I'm sending it out in the morning. Should hear back in a couple weeks. Going to get pics of her and Haley. See how my little girl is doing. She's already in school. Get school pics and a letter too. Shit I can't wait. Besides this, nothing else is happening. Should come up off lock Monday or Tuesday. April 3rd, 2008We came up off lockdown this morning, then went right back down on a 24 hour stupid ass shit. I've gotten a new celly named "Sapo." His "Mexicles Jango." We're cool cause we're both "convicts." 8 years a piece. He cut my hair yesterday and started working on my tattoo work today. That shit was painful to say the least. Robert wrote me yesterday. His roommate "J" kind of pissed me off cause he started investigating something I told Robert. "J" said it felt like a scam. Gotta let him know I won't do no shit like that. That's really not like me especially with friends. So, letters are going out Tues. My boy "Mendoza" is on "chain" tonight. He's so fuckin' lucky. Tomorrow got a test in Math. I can't believe this semester is almost over. Last. I'm sick as shit right now. I don't know what it is, but I'm pissed cause I've been pretty much sick since Feb. Gotta get some antibiotics to kick this. 7 July 2008Well no celly yet. Probably later today my celly went up the hall yesterday after a year. It's been boring lately. The weather has been "blah!!" muggy, humid, etc.. Yesterday was allowed to go to rec. Didn't get to work out good cause we were having a meeting. We have a homeboy who has been doing a bunch of clucking. Had to find out what his latest escapade was. Bunch of bullshit. He fought a black cat yesterday over bullshit. D-block sucks. I realized something else on the way to chow. I'm the only H.Towner on one row. All the other homies are on 3 row. Well that's it for now. Boring ass day. 12 July 2008Going to "check" Big Boy tomorrow with "T" "Pete." Were going to do it today, but at the last minute "T" had a visit. King of upset. I think Robert "fell off" on me. I haven't got a letter from him since June 2nd. True I took a week to write back but it's still been almost a month. I don't know if I said the wrong thing or her just got loud. The latter I doubt. I don't think I said anything either. I'm hoping I'm tripping. I'm going to give him a copule more weeks them I guess I'll say "goodbye" in a letter. B-days on Monday. Big 2-8! Damn I cam down at 20. Time flying and I'm feeling it. 15 July 2008I'm 28 shit!! Well I got my letter from Robert. Well I got my letter from Robert. Just like I thought the damn thing bounced around. Going to write him tomorrow and explain everything. There was a fight a couple hours ago between a Crip and a Mexican over bullshit. Almost popped off cause "Bad Boy," a crip, looked like he was gonna get in and a Mexican stepped forward. "Bad Boy" went to roaring but his people, the Crips, jumped in and parked him. It's still always up in the air. We'll see at breakfast. I'm dying to know what Raza he was addressing. This fool already started the last bullshit between the Bloods and Crips. The Crips were supposed to violate his ass but I think they're afraid of him and the cool. Thinkin bout getting my blade back from C-block. I really don't want to, and I'm trying to lay back. I feel like a hypocrite cause how am I gonna ask? Speak to God each night, but be ready to send some fool to the maker the next day. I pray for guidance & strength &! protection.. Maybe he's keeping me on restriction & in the house during times like these is his way of answering prayers. Undoubtedly if I'd of been out there I would of fought "Bad Boy" tonight and before the month was over I'd of stabbed him. He's one of those who learn the hard way. I'm one who can teach the hard way. I don't like being like this, God knows, & I hope he forgives me, cause sometimes I have to. New subject. We checked "Big Boy" & (Cuete" Sunday. They both made it. And a homeboy Â-- ex now Â-- named "Little Man" got smashed solo today on A-black. He was a downass dude, word on what happened for him to change his heart?!! 19 July 2008Lockdown. 2nd one since Firday. Fridays lock down was in a since bullshit. Somehow word got back to the laws about the fight that happened and the events that almost followed, so they locked down C-D-L-G blocks. How they picked which ones don't ask. But 3 minimum & both med. Curt. Blocks got locked down cause there was suppose to be a racial riot. Hmm... can you say snitch? Today's lock down was because some jackass was cutting himself trying to catch out. They caught him and locked us down. Ho ass shit. Tomorrow we find out if we're going to do our 6 month major shakedown. We're all waiting on it. Laws included. Heard from Robert & got a card for my B-day. It was cute as hell, and funny as shit. I also got a new celly named "T.G." I knew him from c-block. He's cool so far, but he's not feeling D-block and already talkin about moving back to C-block. 23 July 2008Well more bullshit up in the air. "ME" is to go to war with a black group. Well some shit like this. Anyways my dumbass hoeboys, a few, were talkin bout jumping. Boy I've been arguing with these fools all day. When it's racial then we jump, but when it's "war" between families, regardless of race, we have nothing to do with it. It's more complicated than how I'm explaining but a gang intelligence officer, the proper tern Security Threat Group. STG. Officer is reading all our mail. Hell, just last Saturday they locked C-D down cause of rumors of a racial riot. Bullshit ass rumors. Then ha! (The administration hate, D-Block) we got locked down 2 more times for nothing. Enough prison shit. It's all bullshit and it has been eating at me all day. I wrote the girls and Robert. I'm trying to do some cards, but I really only work on the weekends. I need to do at least 4 more and I'll be straight. A few for P.E. & 3 for the girls. I feel bad cause I haven't been writing them like I should, but it's hard cause they're growing up so fast and I don't really hear from them. But I'm going to try to do better. Gotta write mom and dad this weekend too. Just to say hi. Well. For now that's it. More later on top subject as events unfold. 26 July 2008Celly and I had a long talk about cell ethics and rules. It's understood we aren't bringing shit in to the house from the day room. All that other shit the other day fizzled like a soda. Fast and over. Nothing remotely exciting happened. Oh good news. My boy Demon is right behind me now! He just hollored at me. Came up from CC. He has to do a year, but he has a damn good celly. They shipped my boy "lil evil." Probably boomerang a kite to him later. Shot another letter off to Robert. Elexus, a punk gay guy is going to say hi! I'm going to se Robert's reaction. Elexus and I have got pretty cool lately. "She" runs lines w/ me shich forces me to cover rate with her. All in all she seems pretty cool. Anyways it was a hairbrain, split second decision. We'll see how Robert takes it. He'll probably laugh and write and say hi. Well, that's it for now. More later. 2 August 2008The last few days of July were boring. Nothing really to write about for some reason July went by slow and it was a bore. Well Robert's letter went out Friday so we'll see if my hairbrain idea to have Robert and Elexus meet turns into something. Probably hear something by Friday. Okay there is an issue in the air, but it has to do with A. Tx so my hands are really tied. There is a homeboy from A-Tx I've mentioned and before named "Soulja." Well they are going to smash him out this week, really for nothing. It's a dry ass crossout. He's fucked up sure, but it wasn't to the point A-Tx is pushing. "Soulja" hasn't ever had one discipline. I feel bad cause ol'boy has mad love for the black. He's good people, just has a discharge attitude. On top he's a short timing. 5 years. He has fools out his tango Â-- A. Tx (stand for Austin) that don't like him. A lot of fools out of other tangos aren't feeling A Tx's decision. I'm one of them. I've tried to talk sense into Manny, Rascal, and Joe. They aren't trying to hear it. I already said I'm staying in the house. It's fuckin senseless. They trying to say ! cause he supposedly jacked some magazines from homeboys is why. That's their reason? Shit if he jacked a homeboys why haven't they spoke up on it? Why haven't they called out Soulja? They that weak? That goes down that makes me sick and has me questioning my beliefs and reason to be blasting. I love my homeboys. All of them. But I can't stand this crossout shit. 4 August 2008I witnessed some funny ass shit today. A jackass law named Stone lost his temper, straight "psych patient," and punched a window. He had every intention to break the window with the first punch. Ha! Weak muthafucker! He punched it, didn't break, looked at his hand, then punched it again. The second punch broke the window. Haha!! And his hand. What a dumbfuck!! These are the type of people working in prison. I realized July really didn't have much jumping. So far August is calm. That shit with Soulja that I wanst feeling. Well good news/bad news. Good news is he's not going to be smashed. He's still a jobeboy. Bad news is he does have a discipline or court coming. It's a violation. He's about to take an ass-kicking, but it's not going to be bad. Hell he was looking at a hospital visit. That's probably going to happen after new spend. Last letter ol'. We're on another 24 hr. lockdown. Nobody knows why!?! 7 August 2008Well, guess what? Another fucking 24 hr lockdown. Double Whammy! Some reason. 2 different days and that fuckin sucks. These fools are dryass fucking us over. Word just got sent to me, "Lil Evil" and a couple homies got locked up for checking homeboys on the rec yard. That was clock shit!! Elexus got evicted from Demon's house. I knew that wasn't going to last. Well I still have 1 more card to do, actually 2, love need back ground. Then the girls will get their little gifts. Still haven't wrote the folks. Lazy, I know. Sitting back on my workout. That's good. The Olympics start on the 8th I think. God USA!!! I want to see my babies Misty May and Kerri Wallsh play volleyball. Girl, going to rock for the USA Beak Volleyball. Our sport. Wish they'd add some x-game type shit too. Put Tony Hawk on a vert ramp and board. Anyways besides lock-down we're not up long enough for shit to happen. Ha ha prison humor. 10 August 2008Well so much shit has happened since Wednesday. Okay first H Boy Soulja fucked up big time. He went against all rules hwe have and stole a white tap for ploeing us on lock down (24 hours) cuz ol' boy caught out. This was Firday so it came out Soulja is gone. Yesterday he caught out. He knew he was in deep shit so he got ghost. Well when we got locked down, Friday, a bunch of blocks went to bumping their gums. It was ready to pop off but it got squashed. The main blacks talked to their people and got everything under control. Well today after rec H-boy from D-block named "Ra Ra" got his "scratch" with a black fool named "Southpark" up on 3 row run. Well when I came in (oh Southpark Is a blood) the main or head blood hollered at me. He's asking me "what the fuck?" I told him it was a one on one caus ol' Southpark said RA RA had felt disrespected. "S" was asking telling me his homies one thing then made look like a liar. I had to tell him straight up. I'm in Town and Ra Ra and D-town. I'm not really privy to all their shit. So I told him to holler at Mario caushe he speads for D-Town over here. We'll see how it plays out. By the way if I didn't mention it I've got a H-boy named Kilo. For my celly. He's A-Tx youngster. Last. I feel like shit. I missed Momma's B-day. That's the first time in 10 years. It just hit me today. Boy I feel fucked up. I've got to write her a letter this week apologizing. 16 August 2008Can't believe I missed 6 days. Me & Kilo kicking it tough and doing a bunch of walking out. Okay let's update since the 10th. That shit w/ the bloods is dead, and nothing came out of it. We did go on a 24 hr lockdown for an investigation but they wouldn't say for what. I already knew though cause earlier that day they had brought Soulja back to C-block. It was already rumored he was to be smashed so that on top of the I-60 and fools talking about guerra Â-- war Â-- between black and Mexicans was the reason for the investigation. On top of all of that bullshit they popped on of my boys from Robertson Unit with a fierce Â-- knife Â-- in his house. Rumors have it was a free world knife. If that's true then my boy is going to Ad Sog for a couple of years. I really hope not. His good people. I personally think somebody snitched on him, and I kind of feel it was someone in our circle. There is more shit in the air that distantly rebates to all this, Soulja is supposed to fake his ass kicking. He thinks it's still a discipline. He just don't know it's over for human this rancho. He fucked up and damn near started a riot. He broke "Blast" balls about jacking. Homeboys were sharpening up getting ready to work. Yup. Goodbye. Personally now I don't feel bad. Buy anways I have a homeboy fucking a punk. (Homosexual) There is a real fucked up rumor saying Homeboy was caught fucking the fool on the mouth (He was dogging). They say my boy "Sleepy," who just went to jail behind the blade was the main fool saving him. Now Sleepy's gone so that homeboy is in the spotlight. Kind of suspicious if you ask me. No, I'm not saying hi's snitching or snitched on Sleepy. Just saying it looks funny. One person, two person party, three person party. Something can happen a lot of ways. We're going to see how Soulja's issue turns out. I'd really like to find out who dropped th! at I-60 on Sleep and then regulate. After all this and it sounds funny to say I have not stopped praying and I've found my all doing it a little more. There was/is too much tension in the air and people can get hurt. Can though Ferguson Unit is now friendly as a muthafucka people still get hurt occasionally. I'm hoping and thinking ahead that if I do I've got all boss covered with the father cause there usually isn't anytime once the cetian starts. 18 August 2008Well yesterday they smashed Soulja out the blast/off the unit. BUT they made themselves look realy stupid cause there was about 15 people kicking his ass. On top of it, all they did was cut his eye. 15 vs. 1 and that's all they did. That made us look real stupid. Oh well, that's on C-block's head. Writing Robert today cause I just got a letter from him. Nothing real major. Last 90-boy from H-Tx is suppose to get smashed. Supposedly "dogging" with I. I've mentioned this before, but now there supposed to be action behind his fuck up. We'll see. 24 August 2008Terrible news on both ends of the prison spectrum. The more important first they are smashing "Coupon" tomorrow at count time. In a sense I seated his fate I was/been talking to our unit "speaker." I relayed what we talked about to C-block. If I would of kept my mouth shut ol' boy would have had a few more days. Some homies were feeling a discipline, only because we have no solid evidence he was really kissing a punk on the mouth.They felit it only right he gets the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time they were going to take into consideration that the fool who caught him, has no reason to lie. So the discipline was for him not clearing the shit up off the muscle. At the same time, the severity of the ass kicking Â-- that's what a discipline was going to be left up to c-block. Well c-block talked to 2 other homies who have 10 years under their belt, and they felt smashing him off the unit was the right thing to do. So final word is tomorrow is play day. Sucks too cause Cooper is good people. Prison politics suck. So much bullshit if you ask me. He should have been smashed a lont time ago. That this issue was kept under wraps for over a month is wrong. I like cooper but in situation like this all favoritism goes out the window. Hopefully, they can get away with it. Okay that's bad news on that end. Now part 2. Second officer Lt. actually got beat up in a week today. First thus today's ranking office = 30 day lockedown. The officer who started the shit was in the wrong the whole way. He goosed 1st. before the inmate hit the Lt. The Lt. & inmate were arguing cause Libby Â-- the officer Â-- wanted ol boys ID for a case write up. Ol' boy lost his and told him that. So it all escalated to this. A lot of us are pissed at the laws. Tomorrow we're going to Burn those bitches up and give them a reason for a lock-down!! 25 August 2008Well, they smashed Cooper. They didn't fuck it up like they did Soulja. He got smashed twice. Just at the back of the run, then while everyone was going in he blind sided h-boy Face so Guero and Hogg had to smash his ass again to save Foer from taking a beat down. I tell all this cause as I was working out the thought occurred. No matter how much love you show or are shown, for the most part it's fake. Surprising? Not really. Sure there was about 3 h-boys who tried to save Casper, but in the end they ended up participating. Fucked up huh? In prison you can never trust anyone fully. Out of all my h-boys I don't trust any cause they haven't proven themselves trust worthy. I take that in stride, why? Cause im suspicious by nature and automatically trust no one. We fake care for one another, but w/ the knowledge if you fuck up all favoritism is out the window and everyone is equal. Hmmm... equality? Another joke along with trust. I guess it's cause I'm affiliated, or cause I'm ! a realist. 29 August 2008Well I just come back from john Selig in Galveston. I went for a Rheumatology visit. I had to see a joint doctor cause my shoulders are messed up. Needless to say it was a pointless visit cause like the doc, said. It's really been too long and it sounds like you ripped either muscle/big/ or tendon or a combination. Shit like that really doesn't heal. On top she looked at my right hand Â-- the knuckles Â-- and asked how long my last 2 knuckles been looking like that and how long ago. My answer was vague in both aspects. Hell, I'm already a criminal, I didn't want to tell her "oh yeah doctor. I got it from punching guys in the face on a pretty regular basis." On top, she was pretty as a motherfucker. I think she was from India or some shit. Had a nice smile. To the limited extent I'm able, I was trying to make myself look presentable on a respectable level. Anyways they couldn't do anything for my ills. Next. C-block is on a 30 day lockdown alas. That's both med cust blocks. I don't understand their Â-- administration Â-- logic. One person fucks up, he gets locked up and given a hot tray, while on the other hand punish the other 155 inmates who haven't done anything. They are trying to act as a deterrant for more disruptive behavior i.e. Fights, extortion, assaults... don't they realize being unjustly punished pisses us off and causes us to act more violently cause we're already pissed?? Their logic is fucked. Last little note I got a package from P.E. on the theme writings. More was picked again. 1 September 2008Last entry before I send this off in the morning. Still on a 30 day lock but we're getting close to wk #2!! Hopefully nobody fucks it up. I decided fuck it. I'm growing out my mustache & goatee. I must say 2 things. 1) I forgot how I looked with these on my face. 2) I am a handsome devil. I remember why women loved me. HAHA. Anyways, I'm sick. It fuckin sucks!! I'm hoping it's a bug and no more. Oh, set cards to the 3 munchkins wishing them luck with school. I hope to hear from them soon. Going to start a letter to Robert to send out with a card. 4 September 2008Sick as a dog! Coughing, fever, stuffyness, etc... On top of all this my night shoulder for some fuckin reason started hurting while doing my Diamond pushups. I only did 300 but it felt like 5000!!! My regular pushups were alright, but I only knocked out 200. Going light for a few days. Im doint it for 2 reasons. 1) Trying to sweat this shit out. 2) Don't want to hurt myself long range. If I don't feel better by Sunday it's a wrap. I'm going to medical. Holy shit! Scabes are going around this block. H.Boy "Chucky" (from West, TX) got put in isolation today, in fact about 30 min ago, cause he had Scabes. Fucked up thing is I know it sounds stupid, I don't know really what scabes are. I just know you have to stay real clean. That's no problem here. 2 Bird baths a day!!! Well it's official. D-block is elated. No problems for over a week and we're still a week 1 day 1. It's called "let's fuck D-block." We're going to do a 90 piece I just know it!! Oh yeah, on a closing note. Sgt. Ford and a couple officers are in hot water. That guy who beat up the Lt. Well Ford & 2 other laws broke his collarbone, leg & arm on the back slab. They got caught up cause ol' boy had to go to the Hospital. On the medical transfer papers it said no injuries, but here he is broken up. Yup they didn't C.Y.A. I hope they get fired, charges pressed, indicted, convicted, and sent to prison. Then their "smashing" will be legal!! That lila that, what they did, is some coward shit. Why do you have to beat up someone in hand cuffs? Be men and uncuff him. I swear on everything I love & hold dear. If I ever get beat up in cuffs, afterwards I'm going to stab the shit out of a fuckin' law just on G.P. It's not a joke, game, etc... Laws do shit like this and get away with it cause they lie & cause for one another On top, too many inmates are afraid of catching free world time. They crooked too. It's just they got some "win" on their sick cause they're ! not going to snitch on each other & on top they can change the paperwork. They better never even think about it w/ me. 2 Life sentences is all I'm going to say. 4 September 2008After re-reading earlier I have to admit to being aggravated to write some aggravated type shit. For the most part I stay out of the laws way. Stay under radar. Lord knows I pray for strength and patience to face another day. I feel she has kept me safe so far and as long as I do as I've been doing, God is going to keep his hands over me. On top of everything I know better than to talk shit in cuffs. Common sense type shit. Yeah, I was serious with what I said, but I was really speaking out of anger. I'm pretty sure I'; not have to even restart to drastic measures. Violence, I'm learning and trying to live by, is a last ditch effort. 8 September 2008Nothing really poppin over here on D-block. I just found out some fucked up shit. A homeboy from H-Town, on of mine, is on life support right now as I write this entry. Apparently, well apparently hell, He was moving some "Pasta" (cocaine) from somewhere. He swallowed it so when he got book to the house he could throw it up. He couldn't vomit so he was going to wait it out. They balloon busted in his stomach. Homeboy, they said, was vomiting blood & foaming at the mouth. The law said my Homeboy dead but they brought him back. Now he's on life support. The homeboy was a good ass homie. I fucked with him when I was up the hallway. On top he was a short timer. He had a 10 year sentence. For you folks out there 10 years is a long fuckin time, but for us shit is a walk in the park. None of us like our time, but we accept it. To hear a soulja is going out like homeboy makes me sick. I us to traffic dope the same way, but I use to use double balloons plus the plastic. A gram of ! good "white" can kill you, use to carry up to 4 or 5. Whoever wrapped Homeboys' package should of known better. Stupid, foolish, idiotic,..., I could keep going about his decision. Down, Firm, good hearted, solid, I could go on about H-boy's character, also. Damn I hope he makes it. 10 September 2008I was suppose to write this yesterday but was too fucked up. H boy "Nieto" died yesterday morning. He was the one I wrote about earlier. They say he was brain dead for 3 days so his people pulled the plug. I was heart-broken. I know and kicked it with Nieto on the yard, the block etc... He was a Homeboy I had interaction with. I knew him as a person not just a name or face. Damn, he was young too. 22 if I remember correctly. 2nd word just lost a damn good Soulja. My heart & prayers one with his family and God knows he's in a better place. All day yesterday all I could do was pray. Dope put H-boy in prison Dope put H-boy in a grave. It's carved in stone convicts don't cry that's a lie. I do. When I think of losing you. What will I do? Go crazy and catch another case? Or accept reality and put a tattoo tear on my face?) Damn. I'm still fucked up about this. How? Why? Who was careless? Homeboys around the unit sent prayers to his family. It's all we can do. I was so mad yesterday I was ready to fight. Been a lot time since I felt so careless. He was a damn good homeboy. Rest in peace "Nieto." Now you a real Blastin btar. Homeboy. Shine down on day Houstone my nigga. Don't spece city you loved represented. We gonna miss ya Homeboy. Med love always and changes respecters to a Firme homeboy. God got a down Soulja for Heavens army. Blast away, Homeboy. Blast away. 8.20.02. Houston Sange Blast 13 September 2008Well the hurricane Ike slammed Galveston Friday. Well it blew all power in Galveston Â-- Houston Â-- Huntsville and other cities. About 5 coutnries. We have no electricity in the house on the unit. Only security type areas Â--(i.e. Outside lights, hallway lights, kitchen) are hooked up to back up generators. The rest of us are fucked. Hence the "midafternoon" for time. I've been pretty upset here lately and tripped my celly out last night. I laid down at around 8 pm (after "count time") and got up about midnight (another "count time"). He thought I was asleep. I told him "no." I was meditating and praying. I was really awake that whole time but knew if I didn't do what I did I was on the verge of exploding. Yeah, all this dry ass lock-down been aggravating me. Trying to find stuff to occupy my mind & time. Got to write Rebut tonight and the folks. Well keep updated on the power issue. They guy on the radio said 3 weeks. 18 September 2008Didn't mean to go so long between entries. Been so caught up on the bullshit drama being played out between inmates & officers. All weekend throughout the week inmates on D-Block have been "dashing" C.O.'s with water. What the idiots don't realize that's on "Assault on an Officer" case which could get them Sagged. Monday everything come to a boil between rows & affiliations. Throughout the night kites were flying. By trees it became understood there will be no more "dry-ass" dashing (throwing water on) laws. Each race & organization will be taking care of their own. I got into it w/ a H-boy from D-Town. He and a fool from Valluco were laughing about being started over on our locked-own. They have a "fuck it" attitude, while a lot of us have a "we give a damn!" attitude. We cant to get off lock-down. Today I restrained myself from cussing out the Warden. It's frustrating cause, life myself, you try to speak reasonably/rationally/properly to a lot of these officers, you get unprovoked sarcasm. Hatred lashed at us cause we're locked up. As if they were the victims, the actual victims, of our crimes. Power corrupts and a lot of C.O.'s put on their uniforms and become corrupt. This is foul. People can't believe, or refuse, to believe, this. Why? I don't know. Maybe society disillusions itself that the bad guys are behind the bars. What they fail to realize is we got caught. That's all. A lot of bad people walk around free cause they don't get caught, on their offense. Weren't serious. We have truly sociopathic guards who work herei n prison whos delight is to make prisoners lives miserable. They go out of their way to harass and abuse their authority. Lord help us if they reach a ranking position! Inmates can only take so much. We are still humans. Prime example. D-Block on a Monday only had 1 shower. Tuesday. On lock-down we shoer Mon, Wed, Fri. They warden himself came on D-block and told us that we probably wont shower till next week. This is the man who oversees Ferguson Unit. The same man who told C & D-blocks everything Thurs. that they are going to start us over. Why? "Cause he can." That's a ord for word quote. Is it only wonder these people get beat up? No bullshit, prayer & discipline has kept me from sending an officer to the nearest hospital. I refuse to let myself sink to a standard lie fought to rise out of. Period. I wont lie, I've been temped. But I pray. I'll keep praying. Over & over asking for strength to reign check on my temper. On a quick ending note. I've rote 3 poems, but fo some reason I don't like them. I'm going to fuck w/ them see if I can improve them. Power still out. Rumer has it by next Friday the whole county will be on. We'll see. 22 September 2008I lost a day yesterday. It happens during lock-dons. Especially long ones like I'm going through. Before its over it'll be 90 days. Oh well. It was a long time in coming. We're not making things better by cussing out the Warden & ranking officers. Aggravation right now cause it's so loud. My neighbor is yelling over the room and he isn't talking about shit. Dry ass yelling. I wrote Mom & Dad Sunday. Had to finally after 8 years tell them how I felt about the lack of communication between us. Let them know the shit gets lonely. Sure Robert is my Pen Pal and we correspond on a regular basis but it's not the same. I long for that taste of home. Hopefully one day I'll be able to make it to the Hughes Unit. It will only be a 45 min drive from the house. That would be great!! I wrote a poem or something like it. It doesn't rhyme, but it's a truth type thing. I've wrote about 3 but this last is by far my best. The words just flowed as I opened myself up. The others seemed force and half-hearted. I'm no true poet, but I can string shit together. I'm going to submit it to P.E. with a card. I drew for the art project. Gotta step up my art work, even if it's on white paper. That's it for now. "Well! Another Day in the Ghetto!!" 25 September 2008Well, week 1 day 1, again. It's for the "long haul." Tempers are flaring between groups. Overstayed shit. It's the main reason I discipline myself to control my tongue and actions. If you do this you run into less problems. In, 8 years, most of my fights were witness the first 4. I was young and dumb. Sometimes I look back on my times in Ad seg and realize how far I've actually come mentally, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I count it as a blessing in disguise. I emereged with a whole new outlook on prison games & politics. Now I set back and observe and keep a lot of shit to myself. I only associate with certain Homeboys now. On another not, looking back, I'm really mad at myself for coming to Med. Custody. Here I am tooting my own horn but I slipped back to old ays when dealing ith Sgt. McQueen. If I would of shut up and controlled my temper/mouth I ould not be doing a 90-day lock down. Besides the 3 "dates," pre-schedules fights between fools, that have come up within the last couple days, there isn't anything happening. "Well! Another day in the Ghetto!" 28 September 2008It's a beautiful, gorgeous, marvelous Sunday!! They Dallas Cowboys lost by 2 points to the Washington Redskins!! For some reason all the Cowboys fans are quiet. I'm happen! Anytime they lose, I'm happy. Other news. I got real pissed off yesterday night. Homeboy "Big Boy" & "Grumpy" & "Catrachg" & "Pete" & "T," over the run were arguing making us look bad. Now Big Catrachg & Big Boy are going to fight when we come up. I haven't been able to find out why, but I'm trying. Pressure & aggravation is beginning to set in. Tempers are running high. We've been locked down 30 days and are starving. No movement and no way to relieve stress?! It's a recipe for trouble. To avoid getting in the same boat, I've made a punching bag. Rolled up a mat, tied it off, hand it from the locker, tad a! I release all pent up aggression this ay. 3 or 4-8 min rounds. Yeah I get it all out of my system. Prayer helps the emotiosn & spirit. Cases all for the most part. My bag gets the left overs. Really nothing happening. It's another day on lock-down. C-Block might come up tomorrow, so if they do, I'm going to be alright. Lil Demon is going to buy me a bag of coffee. The last scribble I forgot how to spell buy. Holy shit I'm getting old. Just got the 4-1-1 on the thing with Homeboys Big "5-0" and it as behing playing. Stupid shit. Made themselves look stupid cause one homie couldn't take a little raggin from another. But it's a done deal. They fight between Big Catrache & Big Boy. I mean Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! |