PRISONER EXPRESS

The theme, or topic, kind of threw me cause I never considered myself “isolated” except for my two years in Ad. Seg. See back in “Seg” they really do isolate you from everyone, and some weaker minded guys isolate themselves even further by going crazy. Literally. You’re stuck in a ? 10’ x 8’ box with only one 4’ window located at the top of the back of your cell. That window is about 4” wide and that’s your view of the outside. You breath fresh air only when you go to outside recreation. You’re in a building of your own, set off in the back of the Unit, which itself is generally set off from the local civilization (town, city). Hey! Let me finish. That’s on a new unit in Texas. These older units, Fergeson, Coffield, Beto I, Walls, Clemens, your Ad. Seg. and some population cells are 8’ x 5’, and for “Seg.” offenders that’s where they stay 23 hours a day.

Isolation in regards to our family? Once in Ad. Seg. you can never have a contact visit with your family. You’ll forever be on the other side of the glass, both in real life and in your head. It’s about a half inch thick, but in the mind it seems like three feet. In actuality there’s no difference cause both keep you from touching your loved ones. Can a person really understand the pain an inmate of “population” has to stamp out when he sees his family for a visit, but knows it’s only for two hours? Want more isolation and pain that comes with a visit? Okay. Dig it. On top of the two hours the inmate has to sit on opposite sides of the table, one hug, one kiss at the beginning and the end of the visit. Got a question: how do you tell your babies “you can’t” when they say, “Daddy, Daddy, hold me”? Hmmm… These words choke you. You rely on the people on the other side of the table to tell your “princess” or your “little man” to come sit with them. Think of the pain in your heart and how your conscience eats at you because you put yourself here.

Does the outside world really, I mean truly, understand the punishment of prisons? Their purpose? It’s about being kept away from your family and your loved ones. Sure, they say it’s too keep you away from society, but for the most part we’re outside of it anyways. They send a lot of inmates on the outside of society to one that welcomes them with open arms. They’re accepted here. It’s starting not to matter what the hell the crime was. These outsiders find friends, when they’re supposed to be “isolated” from society. Hmmm…. Think about that for a minute.

We’re isolated from the world and worldly things for the most part, but in prisons across the U.S. you can find drugs. You can find sex, and I’m not talking about homosexual type sex. You can find money and cigarettes. Hell, there’s an epidemic that swept across the U.S. prisons called “cell phones.” This is “isolation.” So I threw all this out there and you think I’m saying there is no isolation for us. Nope, cause here is the contradiction. We have all that meaningless stuff, but we’re missing something that damn near every prisoner desires. Can you guess? Will you? It’s love. It’s companionship. It’s trust and security. We have none of this. We have a given number that identifies us, no more.

Texas has a program called “Safe Prisons” and it’s a joke. Guys might not get raped as much anymore, but it doesn’t stop the violence. At one point in time T.D.C.J. tried further isolation techniques that were shown to fail. If you were classified G-3, which is anyone with 50 years or more or serving a life sentence, you were placed on your own “block,” “wing,” or on a new Unit, your own building. T.D.C.J., rumor has it, has been wanting to pass a policy that goes even further. They want G-3s to have to do their first 10 years in Ad. Seg. Talk about isolation. No, better yet, talk about fear. A lot of these guys coming in have it rough for the first couple years. To even think about isolating these brand new G-3s for 10 years is scary. It takes awhile to come to the realization that you are now imprisoned for the rest of your life, torn apart from those you love. You step into a whole new world where you lose your identity, your privacy, hell, yourself. You are now a number, a statistic, a paycheck. You are cut-off from the sanity of society. Step into a whole new world within a world that’s outside the world. Dig it?

This is getting harder cause these contradictions. You really have to be on my side of the fence to see them. Okay, let me try this. We’re cut off from everybody when we come to prison, but, at least in Texas, we don’t get isolated as an individual but as a group. If one inmate screws up they’re holding all accountable. We can’t be individuals while we wear “white.” To be an individual or to stand out is to bring unwanted attention to yourself. They know this, so they classify us by groups. It’s impersonal because you are no longer a person. You’re classified “State Property.” You’re stripped of identity and that’s what makes you, you. Makes you special. Once you’re cut off from society, trapped behind razor wire, you become Nobody. Your family cares about you, but nobody else, from “Gray” to “White.” That’s the sad truth.

Privacy? We don’t have real privacy or the solitude we want sometimes. There are constant reminders of where we are. From the walking room we have in our cell, to the noise level. Out in population there are times when you would kill, figuratively speaking, for just 10 minutes of pure, complete silence. When you can gather your thoughts, collect yourself and escape the pandemonium. The only time you are really isolated in prison, besides Ad. Seg., is if you isolate yourself. You turn into yourself, your own thoughts. To separate yourself, that much, from everyone is unhealthy mentally. It’s a simple fact of life that everybody needs somebody.

To talk about isolation or solitude in prison is really to talk about your state of mind. What kind of person you are. Were you a loner in the world who didn’t have friends? Then prison might be difficult cause you’re never alone. Even in Ad. Seg. you have “neighbors.” Were you outgoing in the free world? Then it’ll be easier for you to adjust. If you were a family type person then prison is your Hell. I know the last to be true.

Here on my Unit (Fergusen), in my cell I’ll never be able to accept the reality of isolation. How could I with my view? Every morning I wake up I’m faced with the knowledge that there is still a world beyond these razor wire fences. When I wake up, after I brush my teeth, I like to drink my first cup of coffee standing at the bars looking outside. About 50 yards away is something I’ll never touch again. In the middle of the field that is bordered by little shrubs are some trees. Just a few old regular trees that sway so prettily when it’s windy outside. Always remind me of that John Travolta movie “Phenomenon.” Right now those tree branches are bare but in spring and summer they’re full and green. Also right outside my window to the left are houses. Single story, red brick with white trimmings. Families of ranking officers live there. There are some days when those families are outside; I like to stand and watch so I can reminisce about the days I ran and played, or when I had my house and dreamed about watching my own children play. Off center to my right, right beyond view of the satellite dish, are more houses and the B.O.Q.s. If I move to the far right of my cell and look to the far left I can see freedom. I can see the highway.

To sum this whole thing up, this whole topic of isolation and solitude that is most resonant to me: well, it’s basic and it seems I went around the whole bush to come to this. The word or feeling that stands out, that’s prominent to me is so simple to figure after writing all this. “Loneliness.” That’s what the whole experience of isolation means to me. How to be lonely, cause deep down, and not so deep for some, that is what we are now. Lonely.