The journal of Paul TovarTable of Contents:
January 30th, 2007We are off lockdown today. I've already went to the dayroom and showered. So my day is over as far as going anywhere. This past weekend was great. On Saturday I got a visit from mom and she looked real good. She did gave me same bad news about her personal love life, but afterwards it went good. My body has been craving vegetables. And it was a 22 day lockdown, so my body hasn't had the nutrients it craves. But I'm good. Valentine's Day is coming and I've already got a little gift from my Carrie. I'm going to make a card too. And it's all I can do. I will write her a fat juicy letter; she likes to read like me. I heard on the news that Miss Oklahoma won the Miss America pageant. Miss Texas came in second. I seen all of them on the newspaper. And I liked them all/ very pretty girls. I still haven't heard from the Alt. Library yet. I was hoping to read other people's theme topics. But it seems not. I often wonder if my writings are arriving on time. PEACE! January 31st, 2007It is the second day being off of lockdown and already the guards are denying us recreation with the excuse of being under staffed. What is the problem? This is a serious mess going on. And I hate complaining, but this is ridiculous. You give someone an ich but they want to take a mile. I'll change the subject, because I am used to my cell anyways. I was blessed today to receive a couple of reading books from mom. She's great and I can't imagine being without her behind me. I'll wait till later and write her a letter. I've also prepared an offender request to the commissary supervisor. They are supposed to make us a legal and hygiene store because they don't give us postage ir deodorant for ourselves. It has been almost a full month and the word is they are not running commissary until Feb. 14 which would be a whole 1 " months without any postage or legal hygiene supplies. This really bothers me and I'm beginning a paper trail to begin a solid grievance. It seems they need a push. PEACE!! February 1st, 2007Today was a basically a regular day. I did get to go to my hair day-room rec and shower. We also got chicken and cake for lunch. My tongue savored it. I know the food is not cooked very well. But when you haven't eaten in a long while it tastes very good. I do appreciate what I do get. I realize that things can be a lot worse. I didn't fear death but to suffer is horrible. I have been dreaming a lot about death. Either it's bloody or it's of someone who has died. And I wake up thinking bad thoughts and need to get my mind away from them. I want to do good. I pray for help. I'm not very religious at all, and I believe these thoughts and dreams are a reminder from God to remember Him up there watching me. I'm thankful and I'll bow down, wouldn't want to be dammed. PEACE! February 4th, 2007I finished my study exam and have it prepared to mail out tomorrow. I made sure I finished it first. Today is Superbowl Sunday. And I will listen to the game on my radio. I went with the Underdogs the Chicago Bears. And I did it for the sport. Just to enjoy the game and have it a little more interesting. I went to the Day Room and showered already. So I'm doing my writing early. Maybe I'll hear from the Alternatives Library this week. I sure hope so. I want to see other people's writings. No visit this week. But I know my family is recovering still from the holidays. This month always goes by real fast, the month of love. Valentine's Day. I did send a little gift to my son's mother Carrie. She likes stuff like that. And I love to send her things. Still I hope we may reunite one day, Maybe. I've got to get out of here first, that's my goal, to get out of here with my sanity. So far so good. PEACE!! February 5th, 2007I lost yesterday in the Supertbowl game. I went with Chicago, no hard feelings. I don't lie neither team but it was nice to hear. I went to the outside rec today, when I went out I felt that it was just a touch of cool air and not cold. I smelled in the air and could smell the freshness. There are roll up cigs going around, and I'm glad to refuse such. At one time in my life I would jump for a smoke but I like my new self. My food taste better and I can smell more scents. My girl Carrie just started back up smoking, and now she writes me saying she wants to quit and is even taking no smoking medicine. She is crazy about taking medicine and I know she's a little off. She's a manic depressant suffering from bi-polar, crazy chick. She does need me around. We both could help each other, but I don't hold my breath. My day is done. I'm now going to get ready to sleep, my light goes out and I just listen to music till I go to sleep. Same as yesterday and same as will be tomorrow. PEACE! February 6th, 2007The nights come much faster during the weekdays, and I can't seem to understand why. I like the weekdays better just for that. Saturday I love for the visits. It is my visitor's favorite day to come. In all the days are really the same, and I cannot complain. I received a letter from the Alternatives Library, enclosed was the other writers who put in the theme topic writing program. And a lot of them are sad. The majority of us writing are incarcerated. And I feel each and every one of them and their words. But I try not to be so down. Life is so precious and so short. We all must make the best of what we got. We all must be thankful and have faith in what you believe in. I will concentrate and try to express same cheerfulness in my next writing to the topic program. And I hope the others will read mine as I read theirs. And think about it, life is short. PEACE!! February 9th, 2007I begin my writing today close to my dinner chow time. The meal is either before or after 3 or 4. And it will be the last time my bean shoot is opened for the rest of the day. My day is basically done. And it is my personal time for my self. It really isn't so bad. A person gets real used to it. And the time flies by if you are doing something. I love to read and write. So I keep myself busy. I like to open up my writing with my daily journal. Then I wait until after mail call unless I'm working on something in particular. Today I prepared my commissary lists and debts. It has been a good while since my last store, so I need a lot of supplies. On yesterday's news and todays, they're talking about the death of Anna Nicole Smith. She was my age. And it is sad how she died young. Her personal life was spoken in the media a lot, poor lady. I thought she was good looking; now her baby is by herself. I'll pray for them in my own way. I'm not a religious man, but I do pray. PEACE!! February 11th, 2007Today I was blessed with a visit from my mother and all three (3) nieces. It went so nice. We all laughed and enjoyed ourselves. We talked a lot of issues and discussed our plans for the future. Then I came back to receive my day-room and shower. I feel today has been one of my best days here. I also got a new neighbor next door who got here from another unit. He says it is better here. I know things could be worse for me. And I am thankful for what I do have. By me doing that I am able to further succeed in doing this time. Plus I don't like being down or sad or negative. The whole deal is not to come to prison period. My week will be with a lot of things I need to do, exercise is my main goal. I feel good about my weight and body size. And I like how I feel after I workout. I'll try to go outside this week. The air smelled so fresh and cool on my way for the visitation building. And I just got a small taste. My senses are good, and I know it's cause of my system is clean. PEACE!! February 12th, 2007I received my grade from my school. I got a 100% and I received a letter from Carrie with a certificate of love sealed with a heart. It is real cute and very romantic. I like romance. And I notice not many do these days. At times I feel our society is losing all its self-esteem and dignity. There's no more shame. In here guys try to hide all their emotions. And they all show their toughness. A man isn't tough with his size our mouth. He is tough if he is wise and smart. Because a person is in prison doesn't mean he is unwise. Our society is going crazy with new laws and not educating our young when they're in school. And I feel the Education Department should make a new subject in school. It should be about common law in society. Just like math, history, English and science. They should have law. I'm not saying to teach all law subjects but they should teach the basics of modern American law in the United State. If I would of known what I know now, I may have been totally different. PEACE!! February 14th, 2007It is Valentine's Day today. And on the radio they are speaking nothing about the Sweethearts and love, sounds real romantic. I have my Sweetheart too (Carrie). She sent me a pretty card and a certificate of love. I feel good inside. I realize a lot on days like this that I do a lot to be thankful for. And I'm not going to sit in prison with my head down and all sad no! No! No! I want to be happy , I want to feel good. And to be happy makes the body feel good. Today a guard lady who always shakes down the cells real hard while we are at rec is working. Nobody comes out of their cells, they don't even take their showers and I don't let nobody do that to me. I have nothing to hide in my cell but she wanted to put me outside. The day-rooms were open yet she still tried to put me outside home. It was 46? outside. I refused and came back. I showered and it's not even 11:00AM and the work is done for her, that is her plan; to intimidate anyone not to make her work. PEACE! February 15th, 2007Today I was able to finally make a commissary store purchase. It has almost been two months since the last. This place is terrible for being fair. So I will start to stock up on goods that will not go bad fast. I must prepare for another sudden lock down. It is torture to be lacked of food to eat. The cold is coming back. I went to outside rec and it felt chilly. The news is calling for 25? tomorrow. I prefer the cold over the heat. I'm also at my letter writing to catch up with people I write. Today is the deadline for the them topic writing for the Alternatives Library. I couldn't make it due to no postage, I'll do next month's . a few new guys have arrived, and a few have gone home. Not many went home. I'd say 3 tops, and the rest just got moved to another unit or cell. I've been quiet lately and I've been doing a lot of exercises. It helps me feel good with myself. I need to write a letter to the Federal Court in Beaumont to cancel my civil suit I filled. Peace!! February 22nd, 2007This past week has gone by real fast. I've been catching up on my reading and letter writing. Plus I've been trying to obtain legal material from the law library on this unit. Today I submitted a brie Vance for not being able to receive legal materials, my offender's request are not being returned or answered. And I am tired of trying the correct way with no prevails. Enough is enough, and I hate to be this way. Tonight I'll write to 2 people I haven't spoken in so long, they have known me since I was a child. I just received their addresses, I'm excited about doing these letters, I hope to surprise them. I am also working on a surprise for my mother. I'll try to obtain an autographed photo of her idol; Gloria Estafan through the mail, I don't know if I'll be able but just trying makes me feel real good. I'm having another problem lately, I've been dreaming a lot about people who are deceased. And I remember very well my dreams. They are not scary or sad. PEACE!! February 23rd, 2007I received two letters from a lady I know since I was 14 years old. She somehow contacted my mother and got my address. I haven't heard from her in a very long time. I'm going to say 1999. So it's been a few years, she sent some real nice photos and she still looks real pretty. It was nice to hear from her. Today was pretty laid back. The guards were cool and no hardships by the security. Everybody went to rec who likes to go and it went smoothly. The days are flying as long as I stay busy. And ii do want to write to the singer Gloria Estefan to ask her if she could spare an autographed photo for my mom. My mother considers her, her idol. So I'm doing this to please my mom with a surprise. So I'm doing this to please my mom with a surprise. The address I have is sorta old, but I'll try next week. When I occupy myself with different things, all the bad in here is blocked out. I don't wish to be all depressed or dwell on the bad things. One must overlook these obstacles. PEACE!! February 24th, 2007I have been really thinking about my journal I write in. and I've begun this to try to help others if my own journal is put on the internet for others to read. However; I have been holding back on a few important issues. I've done this because I keep these issues deep to myself. They are unspoken and just not discussed openly. But If I wish to save a soul, it must be out. So today I'll begin with full openness. Today is one of those days that the guards either partied real hard or just decided not to show up on this Saturday. Because the staff is so shorthanded that we are denied our hour out for recreation. So due to this and due to the fact that on Monday we have to make commissary; all fishing line are out with al letters and notes of lists of I.O.U.S's from any deals made since last commissary day. It is a commerce going on in here. It feels as if it's a small village and all rules are pertained in here. PEACE! February 25th, 2007I've been awake since 3:30AM breakfast. I woke up with my throat sore, and I gargled and am drinking a lot of water. I do not want to get sick. And I think I can prevent it right now, its early and I'm hoping to obtain a visit from my mom, I feel her near me. But we'll see if my vibes are accurate. I would like to go to rec today; I get tired of the confined space. But it's not cold or hot. My music sounds good too. Today is a good letter-writing day, so I'll do a few for the morning; I hate to rush in my writing so I'll work on them a bit by bit all day. The letters I've been receiving are from a lady I haven't spoken to in so long. She sounds as if there is a problem she's having. Don't they know I cannot do anything from where I am at? Why do they come to me? At times I feel as if I'm being used, and there's time I appreciate it. I don't want nobody feeling sorry for me because I'm wasting my adult life behind bars. That would offend me. PEACE!! February 26th, 2007Went to commissary today, or better put; it came to me. They also wanted to give me another T.B test which I had already for the year. The medical and legal department on the unit tends to make a lot of mistakes. So I keep accurate records of all visits etc... today was a busy day for the gays, we had rec and then commissary. Money is going all over the place. And even the offenders that are in population and write back here as SSIs are willing and dealing. Commerce all day, tomorrow will be the same and probably the rest of the week. This is the way most of the guys prefer to do their time behind here. I finished a book today and will start another. This morning I mailed out a few letters. Two were to famous people for autographed photos, I hope I get response, no mail arrived and it's a little depressing to not get mail. But I quickly forget it. I'm writing late tonight. And I'll try to sleep when I'm done. I'm still debating on writing another letter, but I don't believe I will. PEACE!! March 1st, 2007Today was real humid. As the day progressed it turned real pretty. I didn't go outside but to the day room. But I still could see out the little windows. I automatically noticed how the weather is. All these walls and iron bars and concrete cannot stop me from noticing the way the day is. I also asked the boss when the first arrived a 6:00 how it is outside. I like to know. The world is a beautiful place. I just have to look at it the right way. And I try. It keeps me going. I got a lovely letter from an old friend. She has been writing me a lot lately. Funny how good things just happen all of a sudden. I am writing a theme topic on celebration today and mailing all my journal entries first thing in the morning. I enjoyed sealing and writing. I just don't feel too much of a response. I hope I am wrong and I got to try. Weekend is here and I look forward to possibly receiving a visit. My weekend would be complete. I miss my family more than any words can say. March 3rd, 2007Today we had one of those guards who intimidate everyone with writing cases or giving everyone's house a full shake-down. Nobody wants the hassle. What I realize is that the guys are doing exactly what it is she wants. By 8:00AM all recs and showers were done. That is a real record since I've been back here. If everyone would just do things as they normally do, it wouldn't be all that easier for her, and it's a lost case. I don't have nothing to hide. And I know all the cell shake-down procedures. If she makes any error in following TDCJ procedures, I'll write her up as she threatens offenders. She isn't the only one who knows the rules/ but what a shame one has to be this way because a guard is showing hate and trying to put fear in me. I enjoyed my day. I had no trouble. I did hear the guys complaining. But they choose themselves to be ignorant of these matters. I notice that the offenders who yell the most are the one who don't file a formal complain if something goes wrong. PEACE!! March 4th, 2007I got a late visit today. I never get late afternoon visits. And it was so nice to see my family; they were coming from a vacation in Chorpus Christi. I felt good to be a part of their vacation time. A few people are communicating with me, and I love to be spoken to as a normal person in society. That tells me I am still a person. I also found out that the gang investigator that put me back here in administrative segregation wrongly, doesn't work here no more. In fact he was fired for doing what he did to me to a lot of others. Such wrong. These Texans employees have certain authorities. But there are some who abuse it and use it wrong. What a shame. I've always known this. And it was verified today to be more than my speculation. How come they don't re-evaluate me and my case? Because they didn't want the embarrassment to arise, I'm ok just where I'm at. I'll succeed and continue to keep my attitude. Positiveness!! Got to remain positive. All will succeed in the long run. PEACE!! March 6th, 2007My days feel so much better since I really started working out hard. My muscles are sore but soreness that feels good, hard to explain. The day was slow. No passing or climbing the bars to traffic and trade. We have had real hard bosses and unable to get away with what we like to do. But tomorrow will be another day. They will never stop the commerce that goes inside this world. My mom and my friends wrote me a couple of nice letters. I love all my mail. They bring up my way of looking at everything. I cannot explain why such a little thing means a lot, but it does. I went outside and ran and did pull-ups. The pull-ups are very hard for me, I can't do too many. But I'll continue to try. Maybe it will go up in numbers. Yesterday I tried to call Carrie, it was 9:15PM here, so that makes it 10:15 on the east coast or 11:15PM. I'm not sure if it's 2 hours or 1 hour ahead. But I know it's late. Well she wasn't home. On a Monday night with kids and no one home at 10 or 11 at night, what's wrong with that picture. Oh well, I way not try to call anymore. It is too much hassle to call. Another day done. PEACE!! March 7th, 2007I have been sleeping a lot right after dinner from 3:30PM till around 7:30PM. I love my mornings and late evenings. It's all quiet and I can actually think. Today was a good day for me. Most of my days seem to be good because I choose them to be. I'm in prison but that doesn't bother me mentally. I know what I did and I know I don't deserve all of this, but do I choose to mope or dwell? No! I choose to be jolly and do things positive. I'm not a very religious man but I do believe in an All Powerful being that created all the wonderful things in this world and existence. This place is too complicated not to be. And I believe that he knows that I am not what the authorities make to be, and I don't let it change my attitude. I received a wonderful letter from my Diana. She was my first love and I hers. And I've known her since I was 14 years old. She knows me like a book. And she tells me how I've made my mistakes and even where I'm heading with my son's mother Carrie. PEACE!! March 8th, 2007Today Ms. Rodriguez is working. She's the one that has everyone intimidated and scares them. Well, they just don't want their house (cell) shaken down. But I believe the guys are just lazy and don't wish to take down their poster or hide their little silly contraband and that's why they choose to be all institutionalized. I along with one other guy went to the day room. She didn't even look in my cell. I always talk real nice to her. She can't see why I show kindness. I told her I'm probably the nicest one around here and as friendly as a box of puppies. She said I'm a liar and she's never heard that before. But if she looks at the offender roster or even punches up my TDCJ number, she'll actually see I'm not a violent offender and never once had any altercations in prison. And she'll see I'm the only 5-3 trusty back here. But she doesn't scare me and I think she knows it. "Ha!" I think deep down she really likes me. It's early and she's done with rec and showers. PEACE!! March 12th, 2007I am waiting for my commissary to arrive. And the captain of the kitchen came to talk to me; I told him how the food was coming to me. This pass week has been slow. I haven't written since the 8th so it's been four days. The commissary is out of pens and typewriter ribbons and I cannot understand how they expect us to write. I have a legal case pending and have been trying to conduct litigation in a U.S Federal Court, and I cant seem to get no response properly or get the things I am supposed to conduct this, so I'll be writing to my judge soon. Today was wet. All night rained and we had a tornado watch alert. I dint even look out my window, this building is solid brick with concrete with iron. A tornado wont affect it unless is a direct hit. And what are those odds, not enough. I made my phone call finally last night to my friend Diana in South Carolina. It was nice talking to her. She is super sweet. These women keep me strong ailed. And I'm doing just fine. PEACE!! March 13th, 2007The unit Grievance Investigator came by asking if anyone had a grievance to turn in. I stopped him and told him that we haven't had any step 1 grievances passed out or offender request form or sick-calls and in fact we are not with any writing pens because the commissary is always out of pens and typewriter ribbons. How are we to do anything to our "Due Process"? He told me that he would talk to the Lt. on the way out. I know that Texas has the money; they just don't want to spend it. The nurse came by for pill call at noon. I asked her if I could please obtain (1) pack of Tylenols. She looked at me, started cursing in Spanish that that's all we all do is bitch about Tylenols, and she threw 6 packs on the floor, stepped on them and kicked them under my door. I just stood there stunned because I never asked for Tylenols, then I smiled because I know they are finally feeling their own hatred being put on themselves. Such a human mess. PEACE!! March 14th, 2007Went outside today. I played a basketball game called 15-21. there are two single outside rec yards divided by iron bars and "V" shaped screen wire fence. So there are two people doing rec at the same time, most of the time. We are not together but we are able to see and hear each other. So we play this 15-21 using out trust for one another to keep your own score. Each point is hollered out loud so the other can hear. 15-21 is really two different games. 15 is a back and forth, from each far side, making a shot from each end. Each shot is one point. So as you make a shot, you count 1, 2, 3 all the way to 15. you must win by two. Once one wins then 21 begins. This is another game where you shoot from the farthest back and if this shot is made its worth 2 points and then you must catch the ball before it bounces twice and shoot a one point from where it's caught. If both shots are made three points are added and you continue to shoot until you miss a one pint shot. PEACE!! March 15th, 2007I went outside this morning to rec. I wasn't there 20 minutes and a couple of guards came and got me to go see a provider in the infirmary. My stocks have been hurtful and I'm constipated. I went through the procedure and was cuffed to a leather waist belt and in leg irons. After I saw the provider I was brought back and was taken to my cell. My cell is upstairs. While coming up the stairs the officers are to hold me due to how I am cuffed and in leg irons. Well I fell hard on my knees and elbows. And the guards were just looking at me. I actually had to tell them to pick me up. All they could say was "are you all right?!" I don't care to try to degrade these officers, but they fucked up. And I didn't make no big deal. My knees and elbows hurt like hell. But I'll be ok. I just don't want no hassles. PEACE!! March 16th, 2007No rec for no one. The AD-Seg Building was running state classification committee. It doesn't mean anything. They don't observe your file as they are supposed to, and it's really silly. But they do it because they are supposed to. And a state representative from Huntsville is head of the committee. The unit staff is lazy. But last night they hurried and pulled out offenders who were on the SCC list to give them haircuts. They cant have a state representative of TDCJ seeing offenders with long hair. They might think the unit don't pull offenders out for haircuts as they should. But it is like that, but the unit covers in time to show no wrong. They do the same when inspectors come. They hurry and put the place as best into compliance as they can to show they are in the good, but when they leave back to the trashy place where no one cares. Such a terrible conspiracy they do to cover their asses. My leg and knee still hurt. PEACE!! 5th, April, 2007My last couple of weeks have had a major effect on me. It's weird how I am in prison, yet what I say or do has a tremendous effect to others. Since my last entry on Match 22, I've had it pretty hexted. I had my family send me some self help books to have the mail room try to hold them for an error on the part of the bookseller's invoice readout. So I had to send a written letter with proof of my receipts of paying in full. I got my books and with an apology, and the apology meant a lot. My mail is probably the main life line I have to the outside. And I must not jeopardize it in any way, but they do make their mistakes as we all do. Normal. I also received my formal complaint I wrote on the access to the Courts Department (Law Library) on this unit. I went ahead and seat in my step 2 and final step to try to administratively resolve these errors which have a tremendous effect on my litigation I'm doing on my civil case. April 6th, 2007Finally heard from the Alternatives Library. A volunteer Yvanne wrote me to let me know my journal is being processed. And I'm really glad I may help someone see how my days are in prison. Today was pretty full and normal. I was first out in the dayroom at 6:30am. At that time, most of the guys are sleeping still. So I got my workout. A few of the guys are always trying to be funny or joke around. I'm real open and talkative to everyone. I'll help whoever when asked. And the guys see how I stay busy. I get a daily visit from the Law Library officer to either drop off or pick-up. And a lot of days the mailroom lady comes to drop of legal stairs got on my nerves always calling out my name to play or joke. So I've noticed these certain ones are making a habit of it. Well, I gave them a wake up call by yelling out in an aggressive vulgar manor to keep my name out of their mouths and not to fuck with me. "Hello! wake-up. And I'll do them worse if they choose to play. April 7th, 2007My mom came to visit today. I was first out to the dayroom again and was called out from there for a visit. This isn't quite as it sounds. I have to be cuffed and escorted back to my cell and given time to get ready for a visit, they cuffed and escorted again to and from visitation. Technically I am suppose to be with leg irons and escorted by 2 correctional officers. And these procedures only come into effect if a high ranking official is enforcing it. In other words, things get done only to the consideration of the officials. To me this is a perfect example of conspiracy to violate their authorities or corruption to take tax payers' money in a false justice system. This happens everyday. If an inspection were to come, the officials are warned and hide the reality of what actually takes place behind these walls. And all this is what I must endure and not let to get in my path to win this campaign to be a better man inside myself. I'm very happy this day. My mother came. PEACE!! April 8th, 2007My morning feels different with my inspirations from the outside nothing can bother me. One must be this way to survive mentally. It's Easter Sunday and again they are stating no Rec due to under-staffed. This is beginning to happen every weekend. I am keeping log in my planner. And now that I look at my planner I notice on Christmas, New Year's Day, and now Easter day, we did not get Rec because of understaffed. There has to be a flaw in this excuse to conduct daily procedures. But even all this goes on, a con has to look above it. My strength is my loved ones. My strength is waiting for me out there. But I know there are others who will not see the daylight of freedom no more. I ask myself why do they put me with those with such steep sentences? Why are they putting me with the worse? And I know I am not the criminal they are trying to make me out to be. My loved ones know this too, and that is my strength. Today Jesus ascended into heaven after 3 days in hell. PEACE!! April 9th, 2007This morning the correctional officer came and asked me if I was going to shower. I asked him if I was going to get my Rec. He said no that they were understaffed. This happened yesterday. I told him so, I also asked him if the warden was aware of this and us not getting our recreation of one hour out of our cells? And he said "yes" the warden is who tells us what we need to do. And about 15 minutes later he comes and asked me if I want to go outside rec. apparently they realized this excuse is getting extremely over abused. I also told him that I am keeping an accurate account of everyday we are denied rec for this reason. This unit has a maximum capacity to hold 2848 offenders and there are only 458 security employees, 91 non-security, a total of 629. If anyone would look up the unit info details they would see this unit is as lame as can be. No special treatment programs and the additional program services are a joke and never done. PEACE!! April 10th, 2007Everyday I'm reminded why I'm to get out of this prison. I always realize what the day is going to be like at 6:00am shift change. I see who comes in, picks-up the mail and asks who wishes to go to Rec or what. The past weekend thy used the excuse understaffed. Yesterday they tried that again but realized it was 2 days in a row (too obvious). And now today they bring in Ms. Rodriguez who is the correctional officer who shakes each offender's house down like a tornado and finds any little technical thing possible to hit you with a disciplinary case if you go to Rec or a shower, nobody came out at all in my section. We just made commissary on Monday and she'd trash our cells. Such a mess behind these walls. I spoke to the other correctional officer who brings me legal materials from the Law Library. They are finally starting to bring me the correct legal materials I asked for. I had to file formal complaints and waste a lot of time and ink I didn't have. PEACE!! April 11th, 2007I was randomly pulled out; out of 10 other offenders, for a census interview. The man was from the US Census Department. And explain that everything I told him would be confidential by constitution law. I obtain all paperwork concerning this department and it was no big deal. Just a court for labor, tax, and population. This random pull out is supposed to happen every month from now on. I believe they just want to count every person for their census. I went to the dayroom cast. Again a few young guys started trying to say I'm fat. "Ha!" I don't believe so. They're just hating and trying to rile me up. I don't fall for that silliness. And they're younger than me and little skinny guys. I'm pretty solid. But I'm not here to impress nobody at all. I only exercise for Paul and to give my self a confident feeling. We finally obtained some guards and the Competence between. What a right to see so many deals and transactions taking place at once. PEACE!! April 12th, 2007I received the Prisoner express newsletter winter 2006 last night. It was also dated 2007. And it had the registration form. I've filled mine out already and I'm enjoying participating in the Journal Project. I also participate in the Theme Writing Project but have yet received any themes or topics. There is a selected topic Neighbors, but I'm not sure if this is the current topic to write about. I will write them tonight to send tomorrow with my journal entries and ask about the topics. Oh, I do see the topics. I am late on Aprils, but I'll now get on track. I'll begin in May. What a way to do my time. I always feel my days are going too fast. I do each day as best and as busy as can be. I'm reading several books at once. I'm writing letters, keeping records, and legal work. Who says it's boring in prison. Life is what you make of it. And I love my life. The officials at times act as if I'm not a person, but I am. PEACE!! April 13th, 2007Again today was no 1-hour Rec for reason of understaff. I spoke to my section of offenders and stated the facts I've been logging down on my planner. And I spoke to the grievance investigator about it when he came to pick up any grievance (his round). So once again I will try to help these guys get together to formally complain about being denied their rightly deserved hour to get out of their cell. I have also been listening to the news about how a radio announcer was fired after all his years (40) in Radio's CBS, all for one phrase he used towards a girls basketball team. His name is Imuss. His phrase was that those girls have tattoos and are nappy head ho's. "Ha ha!" That's actually funny because this is a slang saying their hair is not combed properly and they are females. In the slang way, a ho is a female which has a vagina which is the hole. Ho is short for hole. And it is the black people who came up with these words. PEACE!! April 16th, 2007My past weekend was the same as every other day. Friday was another inadequate staff day and today correctional Rodriquez is on her war path to give disciplinary cases if anyone dares to come out for Rec or a shower. So I'm in my cell all day. I do keep close track of all these days. And at times, I cannot seem to know why. I don't want o put a formal complaint myself. I feel I'll be harassed or retaliated or worse. Plus I'm hoping to not be here as long as others. I am also pretty adapted to do everything in my cell. So technically I'm basically alright.. No visit this weekend and this week up ahead will be my father's death anniversary and my son's 18th birthday. I've already sent my boy a gift and a letter. He doesn't write me back nor come to see me. He came only once because he thought I was coming out. We all thought I was coming out. They told us so. But not how things have come out. I'm not letting it get to me, but the thought is still there. PEACE!! April 17th, 2007It has been a real gloomy day. I believe it is trying to rain outside. I remained in my cell and just showered. I sent some hygieve supplies to another, so I gave up my Rec. every so often a boss may make a deal. And it is days like this that make up for the other ones when we have a real hard ass boss. I was up early and wote a few kites around to others I know. Just little issues as to when they're leaving and if I know a good legal advice. I stay pretty busy. I already took a nap. And I may clean yup my house a bit in a few minutes I'm listening to the news about Cho doing his killings in Virginia Tech. It is real sad for one to lose it as so and take revenge on innocent people and kill them in cold blood. I hear how he made his purchase of the fire arms he used a glock 9mm. That's called a a man cropper and used mostly by police officials. I feel awful for the died. But I hear president Busch saying a speech about the died being at the wrong place at the wrong time is idiotic. They were at the right place and at the right time. It was the lack of security that let this man shoot through 4 class rooms after he killed two 200 yards on the otherside. I used to like listening to President Bush. But I now see he speaks so many lies. Those who died will be in my prayers. PEACE!! April 17th, 2007Today I woke up with the memory of my father. This is the 2 year anniversary since he died. My father is always in my memories, but today I thought of him all day. I miss him. Took it easy all day. No exercise and just walked the dayroom. Spoke to a few guys and read a little bit. But I was just at a ease. My son will be 18 years old on Saturday the 21st. And he hasn't responded to my letters of gifts. And I really miss his presense. I know that my family is busy out there, yet I wish to hear from them. But I don't get no mail. So I must be strong and understanding. Diana has been writing me. She sounds so tired of her activities she does daily. And I fell she may see me as being too weak or vulnerable. I've tried to be real open and honest. But me doing just that may be my down fall. And I see now that the only way I can let out my true deepest emotions is on paper talking to my journal. The only real person who understands my thoughts is me. PEACE!! April 20th, 2007Another quiet day. I did go out and did my Rec indoors. Spoke to a few guys and finished the latest John Grisham Book- The Innocent Man. This was such an ugly depressing story of how our justice system has been wrong and completed injustice. I did notice how close the living environments where this man was is to my area. Pretty close to the same. Regardless, I will not let such a true story bring me down. Today is also the actual day of mourning for the deaths in Virginia Tech in Black Virginia. I feel for all of them. And I also feel for the killers family who wrote an apology for his miss. Nobody knows what an idiot can do. I believe out world is coming to an ugly end soon. People are full of hate. I also read more about Imus and saw his photo on the U.S.A. Today paper. This radio announcer is an old looking dude. In fact he called the basketball female players "nappy head hoes". but I look at him and his hair is very nappy. But what is such the big deal about words. Doesn't anyone remember "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Such hate in our society. And I'm the one sitting in prison still trying to do good. PEACE!! April 21st, 2007Today is my son's 18th birthday. I feel I do not have any more children as of today. I had already wrote to him and told him I wouldn't treat him like a child anymore. My father had a similar talk with me when I was 8 years old. But I have tried to treat my son more affectionately. My mother also came to visit me. I did not expect her to come. But ihe did and brought me up a bit. I still some how feel down. My father's passing 2 years ago this past week has had a big part of this feeling. My mother told me that they went to San Antonio to visit my father. They go to the restaurant afterwards that my father liked to go to called the Malt House. They've done this twice. But if they knew my father as I did they'd know that my father loved a whole bunch of restaurants. I knew quite a few of them as well. But they only pick the Malt House. I've been thinking a lot about my Diana. And I spoke to my mother about her. Diana is real spoiled. She likes the good things. Word is she's thinking of a BMW for her pleasure. Silly, she don't need such an expensive car. But "hey", I have no say and at a disadvantage from where I'm at. I do want my girl happy. So what she does I must back her. No Rec or no shower today. I cut my own hair and showered in my cell today. PEACE!! April 22nd, 2007Usually I feel like writing letters today. I'm just not inspired. I even want to get my federal case out of the way. I'm tired and want to give up. My brother will be getting out soon. And he is going to my home with my mother. I told my mother that I could not go there now that he's there. And she tried to explain he wouldn't be there when I came home. But that is not what I'm saying. I do want my brother there and to be helped. I just told my mother that I must now make other plans. The Parole board just don't change just like that. M mother believes that at our convenience we can. And I know it doesn't work like that. I'm not worried. I'm able and do have a back up address. Today Ms. Rodriguez worked. Nobody went out again. And it's a regular practice now when she works. She has done exactly what she has intended. She's got it to where no body comes out at all when she works the Pod. I don't care either. It irritates me but I will not try to inspire these idiots around me to do something anymore. I'm tired and sick of this place. And I realize I must only consider my future options. Im cool, but tired. PEACE!! April 23rd, 2007Went out today first to the day-room and sweated more than I've ever have before. I ran around the day-room and did pull-ups and push-ups in between. Came back showered and went to sleep for a bit. When I exercise, I feel a lot better inside. I've been feeling down a lot. My daily lifestyle is constantly dealing with solving problems and difficult situations. I am struggling to remain patient, keep my precision and thoughtfulness and deal with all these difficult times or problems. But what helps me live my life to its fullest is being aware that all these difficulties are mental. I can deal with them. And I will prevail. I spoke to a few men back here I talk to on a regular basis. And I told them to start acting as men and show respect towards each other. They seem to get into a habit of constantly playing or kidding with ugliness. Simply speaking; I said don't be towards others if you don't want them being the same towards you. Act as you want them to act or respect if you want respect. I feel ridiculous talking to men who are supposed to be men as so. There's one guy under me that all day every day is screaming or hollering as a girl would during intercourse. You'd figure he'd get tired of doing it. But "nope". Everyday and every night the same ole shit. This stuff gets old. And I let it be known on the cool. PEACE!! April 25th, 2007Woke up at 3:00AM and just ate breakfast. I also sent in my Commissary list. If my money is there, I'll get my commissary around now. The breakfast was ok. Real full of grease, but scrambled eggs and fruit with grits and biscuits. Every time I eat, I feel I'm getting fat. And I know I am. Now that I'm almost 39 years old has had it's toll. I'll let my food go down and prepare to sweat up a good workout at 6-7:00AM then go outside as well last today. I've been hearing a lot of news about dogs. The other morning I hear a 2 hour special on my radio about how the dog came to be. And this morning I'm hearing the news about how the scientist has learned to read a dog's mind by his movement of his tail. Along with this news, I hear about more and more ugly news about our government hiding the true story of friendly fire in Iraq that killed Pat Tildmen and than how the authorities let eh Cho who killed the 33 in Virginia get through the laps to purchase the firearms he used even though he was mentally sick. I don't like this news, but I do notice how something bad happens than the media jumps on to it and brings it up to everyone's attention. These problems have always been happening. Just not as bad. IT will never be perfect. I like the news about dog's best. PEACE!! April 26th, 2007I got a couple of letters yesterday. One from my mom and the other from Diana. Come to find out Diana has been playing me a fool by not telling me the reality of the actual truth. I knew things were too good to e true. I feel extremely stupid and used. But it's out in the air and I will move on. For now I'm going to just simply stay away with my pen. I truly realize that I'm in a vulnerable way. So I won't be out there no more. This week I'm going to end my civil case. I'm losing my kick. I don't want to try no more. I'll just read and do exercises. I'll concentrate on my work as a carpenter. And I'll learn as much through books about computers. My day is fixed to begin. I wrote my son and told him again that his old man loves him. His mother Carrie didn't call him for his birthday. These women have no heart. How cruel. What an ugly world. The Bishop got busted. I'm glad. I don't like Terrorist people who send pipe bomb in the mail. What an idiot. All for intimidation. PEACE!! April 27th, 2007I mailed my Journal entries along with my May Theme Topic to the Alternatives Library this morning. I also did a 2 hour workout in my cell and cut my own hair, bathed and cleaned my cell. I then went through my planner and reviewed the up coming months. Mother's Day is in a couple of weeks. Cinco de Mayo is right around the corner. And I like to make a nice little spread on that day. I've been thinking about Diana and how she was taking advantage of me being in here and unable to see what really is going on. And I'm so upset with myself for letting another woman crush me again. I felt myself being stupid. And I will not ever put myself out there again. I don't care if she's a 10- model or anything special. I will not give my full feelings out there. To me once you've done that, they see what you're about and lose desire. Well, I was deceived by Diana. She did not tell me that she had recently been with another man. And I know about him but she lied and said different. She set me up. PEACE!! April 29th, 2007Sunday 4:20AM on April 29, 2007 This morning will show if these officials make it a fourth day with no one hour Rec due to under staff excuse. They have never done so many days in a row. And it is getting worse and worse. I do know it's a violation of cruel and unusual punishment. But by the time and red tape you must do to prove it has happen, the truth will never come out or the person accusing the state will tire of trying. I will not try no more. I've learned to do everything in my own cell. And my mind is in relaxing harmony. And I will refrain from stupid thoughts or rebellious thoughts. It bothers me, but not to where I'm going out of my mind. Since I decided to quit Diana, I have not been able to get her off of my mind. I keep wanting to write to her. But I must not give in to my emotions. That has been my down fall. And emotional stress hurts more than physical stress inside this place. I choose to put all my memories of her away, send home all her photos and letters. And get her out of my mind. That's my self healing. She may feel I'm running away. Maybe I am. But I will still do it. And it will never be the same between us. We will never be together. Too much has happen. The same with Carrie. So now I'm concentrating on being alone. I should have stayed focused on this as before. But I'll go on. My will is too strong. KEEP PEACE! May 12, 2007I slept late today. I always sleep light. And I did notice that as usual, there was no Rec or showers. The weekends are like that. So I slept until 9:30 am. I woke up feeling fresh and revived. I felt as I did when I was a little boy waking up on a Saturday morning and watching cartoons and staying over at a cousin or friend's house. It felt weird. But I laid there and cherished my memories. The day is real beautiful. The sun is out with the grass turning green. I can see a good ways out my window. And I must think the G-d who made all this and for giving me another day. I wish I could see my mother tomorrow. It's Mother's Day, but she isn't coming until next weekend. In fact, she told me that she has to work on this wonderful day. And I've spoken to her about how I want to help her out to have her home and not out working. She'll be 60 this year and it's time for her to kick back. She tells me, "I don't need you to take care of me," but she knows that I don't mean that at all. May 15th, 2007I'm up early once again and preparing for my weekday procedure of exercises and recreation. I still don't know if they'll give us Rec. It's still too early but I'll get my exercises done regardless. The way I woke up didn't feel as it did on the weekend. And I must admit that it may have to do with the way one thinks. All my days I wake up with thanks to the big guy upstairs. But the way I feel as to motivate myself and understand what lays out there for the day is gloomy. That's it. I know it's going to be a dull day again. And I know I'm going to see all the funk I do all the time. So it's depressing to know. But I will put it in my mind to try to not let it bother me. Something I learned in Cognitive Intervention. Change your belief window and it won't bother you no more. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong in the moral sense. I just need to survive as best as I can. So far the day looks good. The world is beautiful; it's the people who are ugly. Peace!! May 16th, 2007Just woke up. Slept late once again. The extra sleep seems to refresh me. And I feel I must do more. I don't want to sleep too much. Yet it makes me feel better. And I know it's good for me so I'll try to do it more. I've cut way down on my personal letter writing. And that has caused a decline on mail coming in as well. But it isn't upsetting me. I see the difference but I also see what I may do instead. I realized that nothing stays the same and we must change our ways of doing things so I adapt to my extra time. I dreamt a lot last night. I seem to notice that I dream about people I think a lot about. I also seem to dream about situations but in different aspects. And I know this happens because it's in my subconscious mind. It's there because it's happened to me. Situations by actions of others. People lying or doing things so that I may see that it's wrong, yet they continue to do it as if they simply don't care who thinks it's right or wrong. There are no morals in here. May 17th, 2007I got into it with a guard in the morning. He came to pull me out for Rec and asked for my clothes. I gave him all my clothes except my boxers. When he was done with my clothes and just about over, I pull my boxers down to see underneath and shook them to show I wasn't holding anything in them. The guard looks at me and tells me "I want the boxers." So now I'm fully naked and he just gets my boxers and touches them. I'm standing there completely naked and he's just looking so I tell him, "Do you want to look under my nut sack?" He tells me am I trying to give him a joke and I tell him, "No, I don't joke!" And I'm already fully naked ain't you suppose to conduct a procedure on doing a full search. He gets all pissy. What my point was, if he's going to strip me all the way down, he needs to conduct the full search. Not a " way B.S. He knew I was right and couldn't say nothing to correct his mistake. And I went to rec. The rest of the day went basically well. Another offender got a case. May 18th, 2007It has been a laid back day. What I mean is that the guards were not all bitchy or assholes. And the day went smoothly. It's late and I'm listening to the Spurs game against the Phoenix Suns, Game 6. I just washed my sheets and cleaned up a bit so I decided to write in my journal. Received a letter from my mother. She's coming tomorrow G-d willing. And she tells me Diana told her I wrote. My mom doesn't know the whole situation between Diana and I. And I won't tell her because it will break her heart to see how Diana had been misleading me. I don't want to mess up the friendship between the two. No, I'm not that way. And I'll just let it go as is. I'm fine. I miss Diana and still in love with here. I may just remind her that my love it strong and wish to be friends always. Right now, I'm concentrating on doing this sentence. I can't think of any type of relationship with a woman. I'd be selfish if I do. But at least I know that I can still love with my heart. May 22nd, 2007Regular day today. Had good officers and went to Rec. Exercised and getting ready to wash some clothes. And I'm kicking back, listening to my radio. Not much has happened this week. I did get a visit last weekend (Saturday). And yesterday I wrote to Diana and told her I still wanted our friendship. When I stop and really think about my actions, I a lot of times change my decisions. Well, maybe I was too vulgar and maybe I'm letting my sentiments get in the way of what should really be done. I do realize I am in a vulnerable way. And I do realize I have to be stronger now. So I wrote her and kept it short with an explanation as I just stated. It is a lot different out there. And time doesn't stop. It seems like it has for me. Yet I'm getting older each day. The mail is coming and I don't expect nothing. I've learned to accept that. I just cannot ignore it. The doors make a lot of loud noise and I know when the guards make their rounds of passing mail. May 24th, 2007Today I feel pretty good inside. I've already gone to Rec and bathed. But I mailed some letters this morning to my mother and brother. I feel good to write to my brother who never answers of calls. I have missed him and I told him so. And I guess it makes me feel good. I do notice that I tend to have my moods and days and it's getting better and better because I see it. I try to treat the people around me properly and it pays off. Those little things that used to bother me don't know more. If I sound as if I don't care it's incorrect. I just cannot fix it so I must cope with it as best as can be. For me is just to not worry and realize that at that one particular moment. There are quiet a few moments daily. Regardless, this is a prison and I'm thankful for the things I do have. I also have strength in my faith to know I'm never alone. There are people who care all around. Peace!! May 25th, 2007It is probably my best time of the day as I speak. I just woke up and do my daily needs and about to prepare my outgoing mail. Breakfast comes around 3:30=4:30 and I like to have my mail ready by then. I meditate and psyche myself out to get ready to do my workouts. This week has passed by fast. The more I stay bust doing whatever I do, the faster my time goes by. I keep everything I got organized and well kept. And I feel on time with this life in this world regardless of my whereabouts. When I write in my journal, I'm expressing my sensations in my atmosphere yet, my atmosphere could be anywhere and my sensations, my emotions, mood, or humor will be the same. I say this now. My last time in prison I would say things and I lied to myself. But I feel much different this time. This time I certain and confident I will follow my program I've planned. I shall not be a fool again. Peace!! May 27th, 2007Not very many offenders went to Rec today. The guard that intimidates everyone worked. I did go to Rec. I have no worry of her shaking down my cell of her threats and I have nothing to hide. I believe she knows this. Myself and two others were the only people who wished to go to Rec. There are 3 day rooms and 2 outside Rec areas. She put me and another outside and one in the day room. And no course it began to rain very hard with lightning. The other outside with me began to knock on the window to be put back in his cell and I remained outside in the rain. I did a tremendous exercise alone and in the hard rain and I enjoyed it very much. It wasn't cold, just wet. But I knew that this guard did it to be cruel. I truly believe it really bothered her that it didn't make me change my mind and come in. Even the other guard that was working said that she was being mean. All I knew from my life's experience is the way you treat people is the way they treat you in return. May 30th, 2007This month is almost over. And I try not to count my days one by one. Either way the time is going by fast. It's early and the shift is fixing to change. At 6:00 pm I'll know more or less how my day will be. Yet, I already have myself planned out. If there is Rec, I'll go out. If not, I'll shower. If there's no Rec or shower I'll bathe in my cell. And a lockdown is rumored to start any day. Now, whatever happens I am ready. All this is basically in the mind. That's how I figured it bothers me. If I think about it a lot, it bothers me. When in reality it isn't as bad as it could be. Sure the rules are broke. Sure the ones who are supposed to follow the rules or make them are breaking them but what could one man as myself do? Nothing. And I realize this and it doesn't bother me no more. So lockdown is coming. Well, I'm lockdown all day anyways. There's no difference. They will come shake down. So I keep my cell in compliance. Anyway, bring them on. It don't bother me anymore. June 1st, 2007Today is the 1st of June. This new month has some sentimental meaning to me. This is the month of my dead older brother's birthday and the month he passed away. It happened when I was 5 years old. I remember clearly. We were on our way to Odessa, Texas from San Antonio to visit my grandparents on my mother's side. The plan was to celebrate my brother's birthday and Father's Day with my grandmother all in one. My dad was overseas in Thailand during the Vietnam War. We didn't make the trip in our little pinto and we crashed. Both my brother and I were thrown out of the car. Only my brother was crushed underneath the car. I was rolled away from the flipping car. It was I who found him bleeding to death. And I will never forget. We buried him on Father's Day and his birthday, June 16, 1973. So long ago yet so fresh in my memory. I'll be second to Rec today. And we haven't gone out the last four days so it is refreshing to stretch my legs out. No lockdown yet. June 3rd, 2007I got a real nice visit yesterday from my mom and my niece Pamela. Pamela is my older brother's middle daughter. I call her my precious. She's 13 years old and growing really fast. Her and I are really close. She told me that her father is home. "Yes," my brother who was also serving time has made parole finally. I am so glad he's out and home now. My family out there is, too. And what I'm real happy about is that P.J. (my brother) has gone back to his first wife and daughter's. His second wife just passed away and well, I've worried about P.J.'s state of mind. My mom is happy now more because her son has come home and no it's only me left to come. I am up for parole for my fourth time. And I have hope yet I cannot hold my breath. Regardless, I'm here and daily I do this time as best as can be. That is the only way I can to remain sane and healthy. I did go outside and enjoyed the fresh air. And I'm almost done with another book. And I'm ready for several more to begin. June 5th, 2007My brother is home now. I wrote to his daughter and ex-wife. And I'm real fraud that he's trying to get back with his ex-wife and his kids. Since I heard about this, I've through much about them daily. Woke up today with good thoughts. Listening to the world news and I notice how the news seems to talk about all bad news first then as it comes to an end, the talk of news eases. But to listen to the news is the same as to listen to the bad of what goes on. Our world is getting worse and worse. Yet, inside our heats we keep our G-d. I'm in a prison and have been 3 " years since I was last out. I was out only 1 year and before that I was in prison for 7 years. I don't include my jail time. But regardless, all this time in prison and jail has not discouraged me. I aim to do good. I am trying to keep my hearts desires. And I will succeed. And the bad that goes on all around me only makes me strive harder. I just need to use my prudence. So far so good. And I'm content my brother is home. June 7th, 2007Today is another day that this institution claims is understaffed. So no Rec for us offenders in lock up or AD-SEG. No big deal anymore. But I do like to keep track on my journal. Gary from the Alternatives Library wrote me the other day and said my journal entries are received. He is understaffed as well due to the summer vacation their at the University. So I'll keep my entries longer and try to ease the load from my way. I do understand. All is all, I'm glad to hear from him and his response that my entries are received. It's just reassuring to know that I'm not just doing this in vain. And I feel real good inside for my efforts. Tonight is the first game of the NBA Championship, Spurs vs. Cavaliers. My team is the Spurs so I'll listen to that on my radio. I feel good today. Wrote my brother that just got out and my cousin in Michigan. I miss my family a lot and I tell them every so often. Peace!! June 8th, 2007My day is almost over. It was another day without my hour Rec due to understaffing. I did get a shower though and I have been watching what I eat. I feel I'm gaining a lot of excess weight and I believe it's due to my age and not getting to move around very much. Being inside this cell is the cause. I have noticed that I tend to stay sitting down or laying down on my bunk. I don't have much room to walk yet I need to attempt to make a habit of standing or walking back and forth after my meals. It's hard because I get sleepy after a meal or I cannot enjoy a book standing up. My knees have been hurting a lot. All this yet I feel good inside my heart. I am thankful for what I do have and I will not let my burdens get me down. I hear a lot of news of death and I do not want to die being in a depressed state. I don't fear death and I don't want it yet. But we must look at the if's and I'm ready if it were my time. No grudges towards no one. Peace!! June 9th, 2007Woke up feeling real good this morning. I dreamt about my father again. It's close to Father's Day and I miss him dearly. And I wish he never have died on my in 2005. Tonight my NBA Team (Spurs) play game 2 in the championship finals against the Cavaliers and I'm excited to hear it. Just something to root for. I also woke up feeling really thankful for my health. I did wake up sore from my running around the day-room yesterday. But it's a good sore. I'll go easy today. And I'm glad that I'll get to get out today for my hour. I'll write my letters today to go out tomorrow morning. And it's only two personal letters. Due to my uncle who hasn't written me or responded. His name is Johnny Rodriguez and I call him J.R. He's always been good to me and my mother. I just at one time stole his jaw while on drugs and lied about it. He knows and I ended up telling him the truth. I also told him I'd work to pay off my damage. I have done real stupid crap in my past and it was a good while back. June 13th, 2007Slept late this morning. I've been running a lot around the day rooms and my keens hurt. That ain't going to stop me. I have been blessed to be receiving a few letters from Diana and my Mom along with my aunt. And these people pretty much lace me up on what is going on out there with my family. And I have to hear all the news. Last night my team the San Antonio Spurs won Game 3. It looks like a sweep in this years NBA Championship Finals. But I won't ocunt the chickens before they hatch. But the nest is real warm. I am thankful for all I got. I'm a man at easy with my surroundings and I'm not bitter. What happens will happen and I'll confront it as best I can. But I'm very thankful that my recent hasn't had too much painful worries. The worries never stop but the pain can ease a bit. And that's why I'm thankful. This other offender told me that he received books from the Alternatives Library and I was glad to hear him tell me. He had been losing hope. June 17th, 2007I received a visit from my mother yesterday. She always comes very early. She sleeps in her car and watches the sunrise and she does this to be first in to see me. I love her so. She tells me all from her view of how my family is doing and when she comes to see me and talks and cries it hurts me. My older brother who just recently got out from prison is out there giving my family trouble mentally. And I knew that he would because he needs psychic help. I've always known him to be weak minded or center minded. And it is affecting those I love. In fact, he is asking for my help. I asked my mom to try to get an appointment for him to speak to a psychiatrist or doctor. There is a place he can go for help. We need the help. My son didn't come or send me any notion of this Father's Day. He never has. I don't expect it. But I hoped. I miss that love from my boy and all these obstacles that vex me will not interfere with goal to conquer this campaign to succeed and get home and do good. June 19th, 2007Yesterday was the first day of lockdown. And today is te second. I am in my cell and can see out in the walkway between the day-room and the officers picket booth and I see another guard asleep on the floor of the walkway. It's 3:09 pm in the afternoon and a boss is asleep in everybody's view. To top that off, he's asleep on the mat that is for us offenders in our day rooms for exercise purposes. Now this type of actions by the authoritative officials vexes me. But I will not make a big deal over this mess. This lockdown is basically no different from any other day. I am denied most of the time from day-room or outside Rec and my shower and the only difference with meals is on lockdown we only get 2 sandwiches for a meal 1- peanut butter and 1-whatever is available for that day. So in all the food is terrible even not on lockdown. I have prepared to keep myself busy in any cell. I have adapted to living here. I have saved food I bought for times I cannot stand my hunger. June 22nd, 2007I sometimes feel as if all I do is in vain and otiose. Sometimes when I sit and think about it, I know it is not so. I only feel tedium and unamused. I just finished reading a wonderful classic story and about to begin another book. Yet I feel tiresome and weary. It is this prison that interferes with all my concepts. It is the intellectual sense of being circumscribed and bounded within these walls and this feeling is my daily conflict. I must withstand those distressful feelings. Often I keep myself engaged in books, studies, writing or discussions with others nearby. Yet, I know that I still have these dreadful circumstances to think about. I know I'm not impeccable but I strive to be precise. To correct my fault or be better eases my deep discomforts. To let the G-d above know I'm trying helps me to feel better. And yet I am not sure of G-d. And this is where my faith and assurance in an Almighty creator comes in. "Yes" I believe there is a purpose we are here. June 26th, 2007A few days have passed since my last entry. I mailed my priors and even obtained a letter with theme topic essays from the library in Ithaca, NY. I see that they are staying true to their world. The last weekend I had a wonderful visit with my mom and uncle. And we have a new member in our family just born. He is the child of my niece (P.J's daughter) and his name is Patrico Luis III after my father and his. Since his father is Patrico Jr, we call him PJ. My dad was always called Louie after his middle name (Luis). So now they are calling my new nephew Baby Louie the III. I have used Lil-Pat. And I can't wait to meet him. Today he is one week old. Yesterday they shook me down. They took my radio for questionable ownership. I had scratched my own name on it. And they took it for that. We are not supposed to alter our items purchased in commissary. But for me to put my name on it is not altering the item. The guard was just being cruel. June 28th, 2007There are a few obstacles coming at me at once that are really distracting. The problem is this prison and its officials. They simply do not follow their own rules. And they make a habit of telling us they can do that. My clock radio was taken and I have no way of knowing what time it is during the day unless I ask someone. And to ask someone I depressing. Nobody wants to keep track of time doing time. But I like to be aware at all times. I've been trying to get contact with the property official and even talk to some ranking official. Nothings happening. I was supposed to receive some books from a book seller, they got lost somewhere. My problems keep escalating. Diane wrote to me a letter that she's back with her ex and we're only friends. So many upsetting obstacles. But all in all I have come to understand that life is full of positive and negative obstacles. We will confront them. They are like clouds passing in the sky. We see them, some pretty, some ugly and gray. June 30th, 2007Yesterday the property officials finally came by my cell and spoke to me about my clock radio and I will get it back. She only came to see my receipt. The lady who took it saw my receipt, yet she still took it. It is a simple back and forth game they are going. In the meanwhile I'm without my clock radio. I received a photo of my newest nephew Lil-Pat Tovar. And he looks like a Martian for outer space. I think all newborns do. He has a head full of hair and got a finger in his mouth. Good looking baby boy. And it brings such a joy to my heart. I wake up and feel such a joy of life. At times I had a lot of worries trying to conflict my mind at one time. Yet, I won't let it destroy my focus on what I feel at the moment. And I feel absolutely just fine. Most guys in prison dwell on their whereabouts. We're all doing time. People outside are doing time. Everybody is doing time. Time never stops. I'm in a prison, yet I feel free. I've won already. This attitude keeps me going. July 1st, 2007Today is day number 14 on lockdown. And I realize that I'm not hungry or affected by ths lockdown as I have been in prior lockdowns. Maybe I'm used to them? I believe si, UI do not let the little stuff bother me as before. I already know that our meals or going to be real small or low our portions inside the sandwiches are (2). I hear my neighbor complain every day. My other neighbor is always hollering negative issues. "We are probably going to get shook down again" or "we are not making commissary for another week." I notice this guy is always a negative. He even tries to turn it on me. "You're getting a case and you're out getting your parole back." All bad vibes that I know are negative. Well I am getting my radio and I believe we are not getting another search of our cells and we will come off lockdown this week. Let's see if my positive is correct over his negative. Yet when I speak to this guy he tells me he doesn't care and that he hopes he goes to a unit worse. July 3rd, 2007I got my radio back yesterday. All they did was a silly disposition trial to verify that it is actually my radio. It is and any reasonable person could see that. But an idiot chooses to be cruel to people and make them go without for seven days. "Silly!" Heard on the news that TDCJ will be getting telephones for offenders to call out. I'm in the Ad-Seg and back here we don't have TV's. So as for telephones, I don't think I'll see one. But it's a nice thought. This place is still on lockdown. The guards are saying that at 4:15 PM we are officially off. If the news is accurate, it will be 16 days of this lockdown. And that is the shortest lockdown I've had on this unit since I've been here. All the others took 30 to 45 dys. Tomorrow is July 4th. Maybe that's why? I can only guess. Regardless, I will put up with whatever they come at me with. I'm going check work on some cute little gifts for some little cousins. I enjoy doing stuff like that. I wish I could see their smile. July 7th, 2007It's been several days since my last entry. No reason in particular. I'm going to say "I gave myself a break on my pen." I haven't written any personal letters either. But the we haven't made commissary in over a month. We have been off lockdown since the 3rd. And they told us no commissary till the 12th. I know they would do us as so. We were next to go before lockdown. Then when we came back up, we are last to go. They do this because I am in Ad-Seg. And I'm level 1 which is the highest level on can be in Seg. I can not do anything to jeopardize this level AND THEY KNOW IT. So they do us bad. I'm used to the cruelness and I'll be ok. So I can't let what I expected to bother me or cause anxiety. I am expecting a visit today from my mom. So I'm preparing for that. Yesterday was my son's mother's birthday (Carrie Anne). I sent her a happy birthday wish for her day last week so it would arrive on time. So I hope she received my happy thought. Basically I'm doing as best I can be. July 9th, 2007Oh what a weekend. On Saturday I got a visit from Mom and she gave me some bad news. My Diana was to get married that say. So 7/7/07 she said her vows to another man. Now I can not seem to have much luck holding on to the women I love. And well, I can't blame her. My life isn't out there with her. I'm in prison and in no position to have any sort of relationship. However, this doesn't mean that I can't love or that my heart cannot be broken. And Diana couldn't tell me herself, she sends my mother to tell me. So I appreciate it that it wasn't said in a letter. I am getting hit real hard and I believe in the long run that my character has improved a great deal. To be able to cope with such upsets as I do, I'm surprised I haven't gone insane. It has been good and steady. And even our food has improved. The guys don't want to see it, but I do. And I thank God above for all He has given me. No matter what upsetting obstacles I face, I'm thankful and consider myself a lucky man. July 10th, 2007I am surprised to notice that we have been receiving our rec daily as we are supposed to. I do notice things getting a little bit better. And of course I'm trying hard to look at everything in a better way all around. And I'm thankful/ Now lately I've heard a lot of news about the change in weather around the world. And I see a lot of global warming. People are waking up to the waste of our consumptions. The demands of people's spoiled needs are outrageous and the earth is being drained dry. I knew it was coming. And I saw such a demand at the beginning of the war. Why was the war taking place? Why did we invade Iraq? For nuclear weapons search of an oil control in that country? I believe our leaders in this country are and have been aware of our lack of fossil fuels and us not being able to meet the demands of our own country. How predictable it is if one actually looks. People don't want to see what's in front of them. July 16th, 2007It's almost been a week since my last entry. I just have not been motivated. My knee has given me a lot of pain and that has caused me to stay in my cell. The staff has started denying us Rec again using the excuse of understaffing once again and I knew it was too good to be true for it to go as it's supposed to. It is just too easy for the guards to get away with it for them to let it go by so they take the easy lazy way over actually doing their work. Yesterday a guard slept in the empty cell under my cell most of the day. The guard working the picket and decks would click the gate to warn him if a ranking officer was coming or to get up and to pretend to do his job. And we were denied Rec and showers so he could sleep at work. This past week another inmate was taken to the hospital for he tried to hang himself. I don't know if he died but it is a regular practice around here to check on us nor are we given any type of official forms to place is going to shit. And I have to try to July 17th, 2007It is really hot now in my cell. I've got used to the heat. However, I know it's real hot. Went outside today and lifted the steel bars they got out there. Came back and went to the shower right away. When I was just about out, the guard went in my cell and took my pillow. She said my mattress is supposed to be pillow ready. This news that a pillow is supposed to be built into my mattress. Mine isn't. But oh well, I've got use to sleeping on steel or concrete flat if need be. My rest is only done in practicals. I sleep a little at intervals only. With my pillow I could sleep 6 hours straight. I now need to go back to 2.5, 2.5, 2.5 and 2.5. During these hot mouths I'll flip my mattress and use the whole thing as a pillow and lay on the steel bunk. Helps my back. Read my bible today. I'm not much of a holy man but I do it to fell G-d inside. I heard on the news that the Catholic Church paid 700 and something thousand on a sex offense settlement in California. Such a mess inside the Church. July 18th, 2007I slept pretty good last night. It's hot and comfortable yet I slept good and dreamt a lot. I love my dreams. Sometimes I cannot understand them. But I feel as though I'm on an adventure and always the hero. And in my dreams I'm able to move freely most of the time. I'm last to go to the day-room today. And my knee hurts a lot so I'm asking for some medical attention today for it. The pain is too much. But I will try to walk it out. It has swollen up. I've been studying how to build house. I love to do carpentry work. It is one of my trades. I have to build or do things with my own hands. And I was doing this type of work before I came to prison so my goal is to get back out there and really get myself to work doing carpentry, painting or any type of remodeling. Work residential and even maybe a little commercial too. So I'm studying the exact way to follow code and inspection laws in order to not get in trouble or it all is a fool. The learning never stops. I love my work. July 25th, 2007My last weekend went very well for I received a visit with my son and little cousin with my mom. I don't get very many visits like that. And I really enjoyed just seeing them. Now there are problems at home and these two young guys didn't forget to tell me about them. But all of this is part of our lives. And I will take whatever comes my way. My mother gave most of my two hours to these two boys. And she is such an angel. I've felt good all week. Yesterday, I received a letter from my aunt who gives me such nice words of encouragement. She even passed me an address of another cousin to write to. She nows I like to write. I've slowed down on my journal, but only because I've decided to take my writing easy. I'll begin my theme topic writing this week and prepare it for mail along with my journal writings. I know it's summer time over in Ithaca, New York and the kids are on vacation. The world has been changing its weather patterns and lately it's been raining a lot of tropical storms. July 26th, 2007I have been waking up feeling just great inside since my son came to visit me. His love for me is a main part of my attitude towards my desires. And I feel so strong and healthy and extremely lucky. Every day there are always some sort of negative problems occurring behind these bars. Yet I feel free at heart and within my soul. I have hope and faith that if I continue to keep my positive attitude I'll be just fine in my life. One must stop and take a breath and realize that if all begins with just that, your breath. And what you feel is only at this very moment. The worries are past or future. And I am concentrating on this very moment, watching my breath going in and out of my lungs and my heart pumping and I hear voices of men out in the day-room talking and I hear my raido on a country station and my eyes and ears work wonderful. I am lucky and thankful to have this moment. All my worries are far and not on my mind. They are clouds that pass by. And even if that are dark or white. |