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Other essays on this theme
Essay: "Sources of Strength"by Francisco Tirado One thing I have learned being locked up is that no matter how strong you are, it is not enough by itself, and yet you can't really depend on anyone else either. I know it sounds weak but it is a harsh reality. No matter how much weight you can lift, how well you fight, how smart, how stubborn, or how much of a hard-core killer you think you are, none of those things will keep hope alive for you. You learn the hard way (often after you lose everyone and everything you care about) that all hommies don't really care if you ain't right there. Sure they got you if you're around them or if they need an extra gun to put in some work, but when you are locked down for life (or death as the case may be) you don't really rate more than a passing comment in a casual conversation. Girlfriends have a tendency to want a man right there and when he's not well "that fool never did nothing for me no way!" and they move on to the next guy with money, reputation, good looks, etc, while you...well you're dead or as good as. Family (now I can't speak for others only my own) they talk a real good game for the most part. Mom tries to hold the kid down for the most part, but has her own problems and a mountain of stress because of me. One aunt tries as well, all the others profess love and "support" only to the mom or aunt and don't really have anything to do with you at all. Now whether this is because they feel it'll be easier to just cut ties and try to move on or whether they just could care less I can't say, but the fact of the matter is for all intents and purposes you are already dead. Now bear with me this is not meant to be a "boo-hoo woe is me" sob story, my back is ram-rod straight right now! My posture is very erect! (laughing)
So what do you have left...no inner strength, no support system...God maybe? I spent 4 years on Death Row (2000-2004) and I really looked at "God" seriously. What did I find? Accountability. I found a source of strength. But not how you might think: self-discipline and self-control. Self is the key to both terms here. You would expect someone to seek out a supreme being to wave His (or Her) hand and make it all better! Now while many subscribe to this type of fairy tale scenario, watching 8 or 9 of them get executed in a row will pretty much burn off the bullshit vision glasses. So I felt I had to take a more proactive approach, I studied and learned the various rituals of worship and the meanings of the rituals. Over time I become aware of the ritual's purpose: discipline, which leads to control of self. I supplemented this with meditation, stretching, a deeper course of study, moving meditations, etc. After I had a true appreciation of the various rituals, I found the importance of a "living faith" in the sense of how I make choices, how I act. I've found that all of those seemingly pointless rituals are ways to train and discipline yourself to transform how you live, to turn faith into action. Do not mistake me, I am not a religious fanatic, I have no desire to convert anybody, or say your way is wrong as opposed to mine. I merely state my own journey. I try to study God from as many angles as I can to gain a better understanding. I have found that in order to truly be strong in a situation like mine, I need an inexhaustible source of strength. Everyone and everything else failed me...even myself. Hopefully someone will gain from reading these words. |