The journal of Fernando Hernandez
20 December 2005
Entry at around 6:15PM on 12-20-05.
Well they transford me to a psych ward. I'll say 1 thing for sure, as soon as they (docs) consider me "normal" I'll try my best not to come back. Too much drama. My last entry was 12-4-2005. All I was talking about was that we had went on annual lock down status & how boring it was...soon after that, I went to cutting my arm & wrist w/a new razor blade, & when I put 'em in my mouth to swallow that was too much so the officers rushed in & got 'em out and allowed me to speak w/a doctor who then gave officers escorting me to send me to holing cell & so I could be immediately emergency transford to Montford where I am now writing to P.E. I'll go step by step cuz in 1 Â" months time a lot has happened & most of it bad.
See, on 12-5-2005 I seen the doctor on Smith. He refers me to this unit where theres nothing by psych patients. Now after all the writing I've done, does any of them e entrys make me out to be anything other than normal? You decide later after I'm done w/ my story of the events.
.
So I go to holding cell @ Smith H/S unit. But B4 that the officers (1 being OOIV Campos) I'm lead to the Lt. Browns office where he goes off on me, I've NEVER said anything bad to him so he catches me off track when he says "You aint shit but a #!!! I wouldn't give a damn if you killed yourself it makes my job e-z-er" then; since I aint said a word he ask me "do you know english 'cuz if not I'll have Campos translate" but I tell him, "I'm an American, of course I know English!" He must not like that xuz he said eh was going to throw away all my property. So I leave, Im here @ Montford for two 1/2 wks for property to arrive. But that's getting ahead of events.
So Im on the van for a two hour drive to this psych ward I get here in my tennis shoes & boxers and A LOT of chains & locks. People wanted to make sure a convicted murderer doesn't have Â" a chance for anything so I get off & Im told to take off shoes. I slide em of then they take off my boxers & make me walk to the whole other side of building & place me in a cell w/nothing but a suicide blanket & a matt! Nothing on, straight tattoos & b-day suite for that day. I com out the next day & talk to a doctor. She want me to "verbal contract" w/ her all that's saying is that I agree not to harm NE1 else or me. But then she says "I think your still suicidal." So Im put back in cell & this routine is repeated for 3 days, till I finally tell her "yes" I contracted & she allowed me to have mat cloths & showers. She speaks to me again that evening & places me on some medicin. Something for phsycoses called "Howldoll" places me on side effect medication called "By-Paid Da Mean" put me on Benadrill for lack of sleep & puts me on 300 miligrams of Tagortall for mood swings. Ive benn dionosed w/ phsycoses, unstable moods, insamia & anti social & depression. So if I aint making sense I blame it on m y meds. Anyhow I end up "jacking the slot" placing hands/arms out the food slot in middle of my door & tell them to shoot me some tooth powder. YEA! Tooth powder. Here it is a couple days till Christmas & Im doing this over a tooth powder (this was before I got my property.) So guess what?!? Yep. I act sivilized & I don't even get a hello, but I ack like an animal, real stipd & low & behold I have my T-powder they they put me on food loaf restriction which is a bunch of food mixed in and put into a lil box of corn bread & give to us 3 times a day. I wouldn't eat it for the 1st 3 days but it's true what moth told me "If you are hungry you will eat" so after them 3 days I ate & since it was Christmas weekend I had no choice. The load got to heavy for me. Ive been told numerous times that God doesn't put a load on you that he knows you cant handle but Im here to say that a lie cuz it was too diffult for me. Whatever, so then I finish that & my property comes but so much is missing!!! & some is broken like night lite, hot pot, cup, bowl, headphones. Those things we are not allowed to keep but the prop officer he the only thing that was not taperd w/was my type writer. But my radio was "lost" my photo, over 350 fucken personal photos w/ sentimental value was "lost" & those two items hurt so now I have a decision. Go back to my old unit & start drama (even though I wont have fixed anything) or just chill. I'm thinking/leaning on the drama. Ive been calm & cool for two years acting good & all but them photos is something seriouse!!! So now what to do??? Things just get worse for me, oh one good new though. I got a card from the P.E. staff, it was good, only 1 card this year but it felt real good nonetheless!
Oh, Ive tried to discharge myself but doctor talked me out of it & told me she will let me know when I can go, so Im gonna chill 'till she tells me otherwise. Well, Ill be closing for now Ill write all wkend & send out Monday, Vamoos.
22 January 2006
Entry at around 7:30-8:00PM on 1-22-2006
A pleasant surprise!!! Woken up to a letter from the staff @ P.E. & 1 from my baby sister, well realy shes 1 yr younger than me & married w/two kids but she's still my "baby sister" no? But anyhow. I sent her a card & a short letter & now Im propping a few lines till Thursday night so I can send something to P.E. I haven't written as much as I used to but part of the reason for that is because of pen & paper. Man I didn't know my type write was THAT handy till I was restricted from using it. So writing letters or anything just takes a tole on me, but I knew I had to drop in on my journal writing so here I am. The other part is b-cuz Im pumped full of drugs that I lose my train of thoughts so EASILY it takes A LOT of concentration for me to focus on what Im writing Ive put in again to speak w/ doc see if we can lower my dosage let see what she says about that. The only advantage is that them mood stabilizers seem to keep me-emotionally-stable. I don't have episodes (not as often) of pure job 1 hour & devistational (is that a word??) moments the next
But Im wondering now: what compels a person w/education & lots of biz-e time to write a person like me. I'm speaking of 1 person @ P.E. who wrote me a whole front page & most of back. & it wasn't typed (although that would have E-Z-er & less time consuming) it was writen "old style" w/ink & paper. I wonder why T-D-C-J doesn't allow us to have computers then I could email my entrys =) But then again they (T-D-C-J) probably knows we'll find a way to hook up to nasty sites & even conduct illegal biz-nezz...see there, thats a criminal for you, T-D-C-J hasn't even CONSIDERED giving us access but I'm already thinking wrong...where was I? Oh! What compels some 1 to write and encourage us? Overall it was a good letter thanx to staff @ P.E. Hope yall like the card.
A pen name??? Nah, I (K). That would be fake name, no? It really doesn't matter who knows what; this is all real, I read in a letter or form from P.E. that I don't need to make up thing, ya know? That same form told me not to write something that would come back later. I remember getting a laugh out of me cuz any/everything comes back to you...kinda like carma, no?
Whatever. Lets talk about psycoses. That's a subject that I realy don't like talking about. I told my moth about what all I was diagnoses with--psychoses, split personalities, depression, anti socialism. I explained them all to her & the meds I was taking for them w/the exception of psychoses. I told her the word & the meds but told her I really didn't want to talk about it so she'll respect my wishes...maybe some day--PREFERABLY when Ive passed that obsticle in my life--I'll tell her about it. But for now it's a closed subject w/her. A person who hears voices really I don't hear lots just 1 but since it echoes so many times it sounds like a lot. It started off about Oct. when things realy got difficult for me when my wife long time friend only true friend; told me she wanted a divorce. Since then I've refuse to write her...well Ive wrote but just put them in 1 of my folders and she has wrote me numerous time and I've read them and attempted to tell myself everything is cool. But it stoped working it aint cool. So I've stoped reading her letters & started to return to sender all her mail here lately. Now I'm not blaming her its not her fault that I fell off like this. It's mine. I let her go into a part of my heart that I only have reserved for my Moms. She got there years ago and my bond... my attachment to her got real strong. & things had been going so smoot w/us then she hits me w/this out of blue and badda bing badda boom!!! SHIT hit the fan for me.
22 January 2006
(K) Im back same night but took a few minutes out to make/drink a short of coffee w/cookies where was I?
Yeah so it hit hard. I imagine that if she would have eased in Id of been more cool w/it. I mean we're talking of the only true friend (besides Moms) that I've ever had tell me "it wont change anything I want a divorce" @ 1st I laughed I mean Oct 10th. My birthday she's visiting my & she bust out with this. But!!! She's not laughing with me...so we talk & when we realy get into it the officer says, "times up Hernandez" so emotionally I go back to my cell & Im a wreck. But I try-desperately-not to break. Prison can make you one of two things. A hard person a real cold person or a soft person a loving warm one. To me it made me hard. I can turn you off in a heart beat not talk or just completely hate you. Im cool w/you to a certain point but pass that point & althought Im a bit short, I can...I just can you know??? Im like that w/every 1. Peoepl I told to my Dad or brother the only people who are exempt from this is my Moms and & Ive gotten cold w/her a few times when it concerned my wife or ex or whater & the second person is her. My wife or ex or whatever. I write her love her show her love the only way I can. & she's done me wrong numerous times but she can do that you know? Cuz of how I feel for her. But Im off track again let me reread regroup.
(K) so I go back to my cell & I do talk to people (my old neighbor & a couple others) but I'm touchy. Or I'll just leave them talking @ the door & turn my radio real high & not hear nothing but country. And it seems as if every song pertains to me. "Big Blue Note" one that says "friend...dont take her shes all ive got" Mcgraw's "Live Like You Were Diein" "Paint Me a Burnigham" "Texas Turnado" just so many more so id turn off the radio & pick up a book unable to concintrate so turn off lights with hours & house of this echo in my head telling me to "cut, cut deep" over & over and over for hours on end. & so on December 5th 2005 I say fuck it, & I cut six on my arm & with my luck the officer is doing count sees me and sprays me with gas so Ill stop so they run in on me & I try to swallow my razors & so they send me to this psych ward & pump me full of drugs & ask me all these questions like a thousand & I mean literally 1000 questions & they take some blood from me & now ive been here over 1 Â" months and the dog says she aint gonna send me back till she thinks im ready & right now im not ready. So who am I to argue with a psychologist? Stay I will!!! Its not her fault. I just had so much on my mind I couldn't handle life sentence ad.seg for so many years over something im not the isolation the 8 yers ive done then my wife or ex or whatever. Just too much!!! What eves. My problems aren't gone & they wont go but my meds are working. I think! All this drama reminds me of a Tupac song
"Now that im struglin in this prison
by any means
label me greaty gettin green
but seldom seen
and fuck the worrd cuz im cursed
im having visions, of leaving prison in
a hurse
God can you hear me?!?!!
Take me away from all this presure
& all this pain
Show me some happiness again
Im goin' bling
I spend my time in a cell
aint livin' well
I know my destiny is hell,
where did I fail?
My life is in denial
& when I die baptized in
Eternal fire."
Life sucks...Ill write again later. Now, I need to pace my cell.
26 January 2006
1-26-2006 @ around 12 noon
Just woke up an hour ago, so far so good chow came earlyer but I couldn't ejoy it. I aite it but my meds were so in controll that I just scarfed that chow down. I don't have much now. As I said, maybe Ill hear from my doc later today, been on waiting list for two days now. Not long on some people's terms but we usually get them request out the way within 24 hours so it is about time to see her...maybe today. Oh! I mailed out a letter to my sister today when I went to shower. She'll be getting it soon. Try & make her smile cuz by her letters, it seems as if shes a lil down. Thats what I don't understand, how can I make some one smile/laugh but I cant make myself do that. I've always been like that even in the free world. I'm stacking up on my photos Ive got 27 in a months time it pisses me off that Lt. Brown had the nerve to throw away all my photos, over 350 saved up over a 8 year span. I had some good photos. Ive filed a grienvance & it came back w/a dumb answer. So I sent in a step 2 but odds are against me. I'm a criminal he's an unspanding citizen so Im a liar & he would never throw away my photo (sarcasm) I am gonna persue this to small claims court see if they will reimburse me for a radio hotpot night light over 350 photos. It sounds dumb but those are the only possessions that a prisoner has in here then for some one to throw away all that or break it. It pisses me off too but what can I do??? I will pursue it to small claims court though. Theres other things like shower slides around 40 books 10 magazines commissary cloths comm. shoes bowl cup just small shit that I fail to mention because I can just buy it again & it hold no value to me. Pisses me off the most is the photos and radio. Well. Whats done is done!!! Now to see if my prowess in law is any good.
27 January 2006
Entry 1-27-2006 @ around 11:pm
But anyways, 1 time like 1 Â" years ago my bro gets locked in county, when we begin corresponding I put him down w/a few pointers in the prison game. But I specifically tell him to throw all my letters away & he's like okay. So he gets convicted realy he pleads out. For 12 yrs T.D.C.J. time. So he catches chain & all your allowed to do is take photos a few stamps some envelopes paper & pen. Everything else stays in prop room in county for someone to pick up. He chooses his girl to do that, so naturally, she goes to county & picks up his stuff. WELL! Come to find out he DID throw all my letters away. EXCEPT 1. The 1 where I tell him (@ the begining of his time in jail) that its cool to have pen pals but remember who your real girls is & LA-DA-DA-DA-DA. SO! Since my brothers chic/baby momma is cool w/ my wife or ex or whatever she gives the letter to my (we'll call her ex wife) my ex wife. & me & my ex., man we've come to so many agreements, I mean I have a life sentance, so naturally I want to write to other people to pass time & naturally she wants to.......have some type of relationship or whatever, but we both since love/care about each others feelings so we came to agreements. Terms & what not. So she gets this letter. Comes and hits me up @ visit about it, it's not some great obstical that we cant pass up its just the point of... I guess "respect" like: why let your brother show letters like that to his girl--her friend--why imbarris her (my ex) so now, I'm not in trouble, I've been threw hell & back w/my ex & we both came out holding hands in the end. But I have to look at it from her point of view, it does seem real disrespectful to a person outside our (me & my ex's) circle. A person who doesn't understand or know the types of agreements we've made w/1 another, so I have to apologize & all that. Imbarrising, when all this could have been avoided if he'd of listened to me & thrown all my letters away....so now theres the deal of WHY did he keep that 1 letter??? Why didn't he allow the 1 person we both can trust (Mom) to pick up his possesions? Why pick his girl, who is now my ex's good friend pick all that up? Did he know that the letter would find its way back to my ex? Or is he just THAT STUPID? In other words, did he set a foo' up??? Things had been going soooo well for me & my ex we were having the best year of my incarceration no arguments threw letters or visits no nothing, so......I've always told my ex. "They aint happy unless we have drama, they aint happy unless we mad @ eachother" I've told her that cuz it seems so real! That's America!!!! But any ways where wuz I? So they (my brother & his B.M.) put a lil pock, more like a pebble in our (my ex & I) road. I KNOW we gotta get over this. SHE know we gonna get over it. ANYONE who knows us knew we'd get passed it but the point is, why go threw all that? That foo had to of set me up. I tell you, I sent him photos, letters where I was talking about all his pen pals, just stuff that would blow his B.M. brain away but all that was never found by here. So he set me up. O.K., I see. So since then I aint wrote him...@ first he constantly writes me. But then he realizes Im royaly pissed, I's in the world I'd of slaped him silly, but silly!!! But I aint cut & if I was I wouldn't have to slap no one cuz no 1 would pull a past one on me.... But anyway, today he sends me this big manila envelope. It has a 3 pg letter & 17 photos in it. I threw the letter away (after reading it) & put all the photos in a big envelope, then put THAT into a bigger envelope & sent them both (w/postage for both) to his B.M. so she could get it to him. It's been a year & Â". I ask myself should I let it pass or hold onto it? If I hold on to the anger the grudge I'd feel satisfied...I don't know why but I feel satisfied w/it like it is now. If I let it go then yea I'll have my so called brother...we'll call his ass "Cain"!!! I'll have "Cain" again. But who needs back stabbers? If you do it once, you'll do it again--give the chance--so why give the chance? 4 now it's no brother. Maybe next year. Maybe that will be my new years resolution--which starts FEB 14 for me--to erase all grudges, anger, to give new slates just be super duper NICE, NEXT YEAR?!!!??? I have to think about it, I have 16 17 more days to decide if this years resolution will be to clean out slates w/my bro--or--whoever--next year?
OH! I talk to my doc. I show signs of depression. She aint gonna reduce none of my medication0--I don't care anymore--but any how, she gonna put me on prozac again, up the dose from last time so now Im taking howldoll, bypairdamean, prozec, tagortall & some pink pill. They've kept me @ this psych ward for almost 2 months so maybe I am a lil throwed to the curve?
This writing does seem to relieve more stress but I have so much pent up that every time I releive some 10 times more of that comes. Is it right to convict a person for a crime that supposedly happen when he was 15? Try him as an adault wait 3 years then convict & give him life? Some times I feel/think, what's the use of living in this box. All your life? Im gonna try to sleep now.
31 January 2006
1-31-2006 @ around 1pm
Whatever though, I started of this day not so good & it only got worse & a few minutes ago it got just a tad better. To begin with I woke up to the sound of a officer saying "commissary cards" times to go!!! So I filled out my list they pick it up & I go to sleep. I wake back up to a card & paper flying towards my face. The officer just opened my food slot & threw it in @ my face, I didn't say anything. I know damn well that I have $ on my books so why'd I get my card back. I look @ the paper & it says I've been droped from a level 2 to a level 1, so that would explain why I didn't get my comm. But they didn't even bother to let me know! I got it droped 'cause yesterday I went to recreation & they found a couple pills of mine year they were mine. The doctor ask why I didn't take 'em. Well, I roll w/the truth. I didn't feel like it...I mean for two days prior, I had woke up feeling lovely, not just (K) or fine but I felt on top of the world lovely, so if I wake up like that why do I need to take my meds? Her speach -> You need to take them consistently so you can wake up feeling like that consistently. I guess that makes sense. Who am I to argue w/a doctor you know? So now I have to take my medication in water. They put all my medication (crushed) & put it in a VERRY small cup and put water in it for me to take. Right about now I need it cuz I'm on the hot zone. Just Â" a step away from being royally pissed off.
That wasn't the end of the day it was only the begining of my anger sesion that's why I stoped because if Id of kept on Id of got more angry.
So my doctor is angry @ me, & her mistake was to allow me to see that. So she tells me all that "consistently" stuff then turns around & tells me that shes "thinking" of discharging & 1 way or the other, I don't care you know? I'm the one on the destruction path & she's the one who's job it is to stop me from doing that so she says she's "thinking" of discharging me & I know she's looking @ me for some type of reaction but I haven't (& won't) give it to her. A reaction to let her know that I do care, that I don't want to go back, but as I said I wont give her one cause all Im thinking is to cut as soon as I go back & I'll have to come back...now I see & understand that I'm not ready butt I'll be damn if I let them know that, that's not my job. Anyhow she comes back & starts to tell me that she's not going to dischange me but that I need to take my meds. "Consistantly & crushed" & I agree to this but for how long? She tells me "I don't know maybe a long time maybe a little I don't know" so what is this? Now I don't know how long Ill be taking this stuf all mixed & in water that taste nasty??? I think if I wait for a couple weeks then ask, she'll probably take me off of it & put my regular. I sure do hope so! This don't taste nice & I have to do it 3 X A DAY!!! That's what I get for my stupidity. Anyhow, its now around 10pm my meds are taking their affect & Im cooling down. I'll end so I can sleep.
4 February 2006
2/4/06 @ around 3pm
Not much going on, boss lady got pissed @ me a couple hours ago for getting out there on her talking about giving me a case, who gives a damn about a case now. I'm line 3 level 1 don't get any worse than that, maybe a lil restriction but I can go w/o comm. items for awhile. My neighbor had told me not to but I aint trying to hear that, 8 yrs! Thats a good while to be locked up, & still got a long time to go. Well chow is here