The journal of Tim O'Rear
17 February 2005
I'm not the greatest literary mind in the world, but I can hold my own. Thank all you people for giving us this chance to maybe brighten your days. I am the ultimate optimist. I'm not going to whine about prison being like a big Sam's Warehouse, or about "the system".
Being in here we ahve to pay (in Texas prisons), no savings plan, no retirement, no internet access, not even payphones, no cigarettes, no pants with pockets, no conjugal visits. I do not read todays newspaper today - I'll be lucky to read it next week. I do not spend all my time in the law library, my case is pretty cut and dried simple that I'm guilty of most of the accuesations against me, but not all. We have limited access to phones, TV, books, in the library or sent int the mail directly to us. Oh yes, they're about to take our Playboy and Penthouse magazines too! Some of the older men here have some very graphic language about all the stuff that has been taken from Texas inmates.
I have a lot of good & bad stories, right now I'll try to stick with some good stuff. I was not born a crack smoker, no of course not, but it only took about 2-1/2 years for me to lost a lot.
When I was about 8 years old I was with my parents in a local Baptist church, I heard a lot of powerful preachers come through every Sunday. My parents taught Sunday School 1st grade kids. They had a lot of fun. A lot of kids got baptized with their parents, all getting saved at the same time. I asked my Dad about what they were doing getting dunked in the water. He said, "When God tells you to do something you better do it. He'll let you know when or what to do." In my childish mind I'm thinking of my Mother looking at me funny one day when she'd gone shopping, and discovered that I'd stolen a Snickers candy bar at Target. She took be back in the store in front of a surprised teenage check out girl and made me apologize. Then she paid the 25 cents for me. I knew that I was a sinner. I'd stolen, not obeyed my parents, lied at times to get my way, and our pastor said if you sinned you need to accept Jesus as your Savior and His blood would cover our many sins. I did it that next night at church, got baptized, and I felt great about it, a huge relief. My parents cried tears of joy that day. Everything was all right until...
Fast forward a couple of years to age 12, by this time I've had my parents marriage dissolve to a separation, I'm hanging around some shady characters all the same age. One shoots up, smokes weed, has sex with 12 year old "sluts". One drinks his mom's beer. I being smoking weed before I ever did anything else, as a matter of fact I did it almost every day until age 25. I was too scared to drink or to mess with the girls, I wanted sex to be more special than getting "sloppy seconds" and I was terrified of the idea of shooting up drugs so I never did.
I started smoking cigarettes only to cover up the smell of weed on my clothes. Once I got to the 10th grade I finally lost my virginity to a slick experienced 14 year old, I was 15. I'd lied to her and claimed I'd had sex before, but she knew. I overheard her telling one of her many girlfriends that she had "broken me in." We stayed together 2 whole school years, then she was ready to move on to more conquests. While we were together we did the usual teen stuff like buying beer to take to the lake, sneaking out late at night & stealingn the car to run wild in the streets. The local cops got to know my car, as it was always out at parks and other places late. They'd walk up, see we were having sex and tell us to go home!
Once my senior year came I quickly met another slick young lady. She was 13, I was 17. I fell in love with her. We stayed together 2 years. We averaged having sex twice a day I bet over the entire time, you know how it is when you're young.
Luckily we didn't carry guns, rob anyone, fight or get arrested for any reason. We did do drugs a lot, especially marijuana, then we'd experiment with LSD, Ex, Meth, Mescaline, Valium, Hashish. Usually on a weekend only deal. Alcohol was always around as well, in many forms, but we preferred beer, wine coolers, champagne, tequila, and a little vodka.
I got to the point where I was an excellent drunk/high driver. I had a lot of luck, but a lot of skill, too.
We had a small group of pretty tight friends and we all like to party, so we'd all buy stuff and throw down a small party in a moments notice. We'd go to concerts, to Six Flags, to lakes, eat out at a lot of restaurants, go to Dallas Cowboys games, Wet and Wild water park, shopping at the local malls, NHL pre-season games. (Before the Dallas Stars moved from Minnesota) We didn't go on long road trips though all of this stuff was close by like within a 50 mile radius.
We'd had a Halloween party at our apartment, me & my fiancee shared this with a female friend. Lots of our friends and family showed up and late, about 3am, our roommate's younger sister wanted to go swimming in the pool. My roommate & my girlfriends suggested that I go with her, so I did. We'd all had champage and weed and BBQ chicken, so we were feeling good. We ended up on the side of the pool in the 69 position and my fiancee came out and saw what was going on. By the time January came, we were broke up, obviously.
My drug use especially of cocaine and then crack cocaine went up soon after our breakup. I moved into an area of Dallas that was about 50 different apartment complexes, each with a weedhouse and crackhouse. I got to know a lot of them, got some good deals for bringing lots of customers. I had every day a steady stream of clients who wanted various amounts of drugs. Some came every month, or every week, some every day. Most of this time I did not have a regular job, so this was my hustle. Then I got to the point where even I needed more drugs. I began helping a dude break into apartments, a dealer would wait outside in his truck, take the stuff we carried out, then pay us in a combination of cash and drugs. The thrill of the chase of drugs and sex became a real problem for me. I got arrested several times, had a lot of close calls where the cops came by but didn't see us or were busy doing something else. I'm now in prison doing time, and may serve up to about 6 more years. I've already been locked up 10 years now. Got 4 2-year set-offs. I am certainly hoping to get out sooner than 2011, but I may not.
Once locked this time I really had no choice but to rededicate myself to Jesus Christ. It has not been easy. I've had my ups and downs, but many more ups for being in prison. I just thank God that I got another chance. This time I will get out, go to church, get a Christian wife/girlfriend and do things the right way. I've seen all the other side has to offer, instant gratification mainly. Just simply being selfish, and now my family has paid just like I have.
5 March 2005
I started you with a little history of my existance. Today I am thinking of all the changes we are made to go through in life. I am in the midst of more of that as I write. Minor changes, sometimes just incrementally, but to some folks that is a major fight.
I try to remain teachable. I am certainly not above doing grunt work, the dirty jobs, the low-paying jobs. I humble myself, sometimes it is extremely hard. I want to keep doing all the stuff my mind and body were programmed to do while using drugs. Sometimes it's hard to concentrate. I think of caffeine, alcohol, the rush of a crack cocaine hit on a pipe. Now I don't dream so much of old drug times, using with friends. I hardly ever recall any dreams I have now, and if I do, it usually involves running from unseen persons or things.
When I make parole I know I'm in for lots of hard days, all will not be easy. I don't expect every day and situation to fall or go my way. Now that I'm a Christian I have a standard of godliness to uphold. This I did not have in my teen years of running wild. As I look ahead I know I may have to start at some minimum wage paying job, and I simply accept this as part of life for me. I know that I will work my way up, back up from my past of stupid, selfish decision making. My plans for the future must remain flexible, because of my felonius record. That certainly will keep me from taking lots of jobs, but through hard work and perseverence to do the right things, I know that I can be successful.
I will be seeking a strong Christian woman to continue on life's journey. I know I need the moral support, not the monetary support. Before I'd have been seeking a wild woman, now I'm going to take the high road towards success. I used to gauge women by their appearance, if they were pretty of with a fine body I'd have been game for anything. Now I have to come beyond that. I will pray that God sets me up with a Christian woman, maybe in need, maybe not. I know that certainly I will give a relationship all my attention. Not just following the lust of my flesh, I don't want a one-year stand. I'm looking for one for the rest of my life.
I don't have any kids or any serious financial burdens. I have to pay parole fees, I likely will have to wear a leg monitor for a while. I simply have to deal with that, it's part of the person I was before I came to prison. I have paid with time lost in years, and once released I'll continue to pay monetarily for atime. I'll be drug tested contantly to make sure I'm following the parole rules. I accept all of this as necessary. I have to take responsibility for all the stuff I've done wrong, and I am.
I pray for the victims of all crimes a lot. I certainly wish there are ways I can make amends to some or all that I've harmed. I don't know if that is all possible, as I did wrong to so many people in my crack smoking days but I will attempt to right as many wrongs as I can.
I did not know all you had going, a friend just said a jounrl and pen pals and books. Now I'm sending in another that he shared with me to get signed up. Thanks!